Is he ashamed of me?

LegacyUser

frostyjacks wrote: »

My gut instinct is that you're getting played. He's "planning on talking" to the groom to ask if you can go to the wedding...how much planning is involved in that? "Can I bring a +1, yes/no?"

He's making it all out to be some kind of military operation. How hard is it to go down the pub for a few drinks and meet his friends or family?

Op here once again

I took it to mean that he'd say it casually when he sees him rather than phoning/texting but yes I see your point.

This thread and the replies have made me look at this relationship more closely and I've realised I make all the concessions.
We've been officially together for around 9 months but seeing each other for a while before that, I realised that in the entire time we haven't had one weekend night out together! As I said all his weekends off are with his child and I understand that but when we got together he said he'd be happy on a rare occasion to have a weekend for us. It hasn't happened.
When I realised this I spoke to him and said I wanted at least one weekend together.....this weekend he has a wedding-of course I'm not invited.
The following weekend he has something on the Sunday so can't go out.
The one after that he has his child
Those one after that I'm busy!
After that it's a work weekend.
Then he has the child
A stag weekend (which he offered to not go on very sulky. ..fine I won't go type carry on)
The child again for a weeks holiday.
So we get to spend one Friday night together almost a year to the day since we met. Not a weekend, one night so he doesn't have to miss a Sundays pay in work or take time away from his child.

Is it just me or is it a bit much that I have to book a single weekend night 2 months in advance? I do get that the child comes first but surely after saying he didn't mind having the odd weekend that's for us, once in a year is reasonable to ask for! I know the ex is kicking up a fuss if he has a weekend off without the child but surely it's time to tell her to get lost and he needs one weekend to himself!

Am I unreasonable?

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

I agree. I have a feeling that nothing will have changed if you stay with him for another 9 months. If he doesn't introduce you to somebody in his circle in the next two weeks he is probably talking through his hat and trying to keep you sweet. It's in his interest to do so because it will save him the price of two nights in a hotel (one for each wedding) and you provide a taxi service back to your place from the weddings if he doesn't get lucky and stay in somebody else's bed in the wedding hotel. Of course he will tell you he was drunk and slept on a friend's floor.

In the meantime don't be a free B&B and taxi service for him. Tell him something has come up with your children and he can't stay in your place.

If he REALLY wanted to introduce you to his friends he could say casually to the grooms at the upcoming weddings "Can I bring my girlfriend to the afters because I'm staying at her place for the wedding and she's giving me a lift back afterwards".

But he doesn't do that. Instead he gets to go to his friends' weddings as a single man. He isn't planning on changing that any time soon. He also gets a free place to stay for 2 of the weddings (your place), a free taxi service from you so he can drink to his hearts content and to top that he gets FWB sex from you if he wants it. And his friends and family probably don't know that you exist. It's a win:win all round for him. But not for you.

Just to clarify it was only one wedding he wanted to stay with me for and he sorted out accommodation. The other he was getting ready here and coming back the next day.
He said he has organised meeting his friends when I go up....

zeffabelli

Whatever his motivations are or are not, this is clearly not enough for you.

It does seem pawltry time wise, I'd get fed up of it, but you don't need other people to tell you it's ok to be fed up with it.

I think we all tolerate things if the person is worth it to you, so the answer really is in the wider context is he worth this to you? And only you have the answer to that.

Emme

Ophere wrote: »

Op here once again

I took it to mean that he'd say it casually when he sees him rather than phoning/texting but yes I see your point.

This thread and the replies have made me look at this relationship more closely and I've realised I make all the concessions.
We've been officially together for around 9 months but seeing each other for a while before that, I realised that in the entire time we haven't had one weekend night out together! As I said all his weekends off are with his child and I understand that but when we got together he said he'd be happy on a rare occasion to have a weekend for us. It hasn't happened.
When I realised this I spoke to him and said I wanted at least one weekend together.....this weekend he has a wedding-of course I'm not invited.
The following weekend he has something on the Sunday so can't go out.
The one after that he has his child
Those one after that I'm busy!
After that it's a work weekend.
Then he has the child
A stag weekend (which he offered to not go on very sulky. ..fine I won't go type carry on)
The child again for a weeks holiday.
So we get to spend one Friday night together almost a year to the day since we met. Not a weekend, one night so he doesn't have to miss a Sundays pay in work or take time away from his child.

Is it just me or is it a bit much that I have to book a single weekend night 2 months in advance? I do get that the child comes first but surely after saying he didn't mind having the odd weekend that's for us, once in a year is reasonable to ask for! I know the ex is kicking up a fuss if he has a weekend off without the child but surely it's time to tell her to get lost and he needs one weekend to himself!

Am I unreasonable?

You are not unreasonable at all - once a year is not enough! I think you're being played and I suspect the ex might still be in his life. I said before that he is treating you the same way a married man treats his bit on the side. Sorry to be harsh but you deserve better. You will only find better if you are not hanging on for better treatment from him. He doesn't make definite arrangements just keeps making vague promises. You will be in exactly the same position in 9 months time and things will have not changed.

I would advise you to walk away from this man and let him get ready for his friend's wedding elsewhere.

I suspect that if he does introduce you to his friends he will say not to act all coupley because it might get back to his "ex" and she might get upset.

However if you are happy to keep accepting crumbs by all means stay with this man.

Typer Monkey

He seems to be able to arrange to not have his child at the weekend when there's a wedding or a stag to go to so,if it meant enough to him, I'm sure he could arrange a weekend night out with you occasionally over a whole year.

I'd be very suspicious here OP but then I may be biased as I was in a relationship with a cheater who used minding his children and work as excuses not to see me but he was really out with somebody else

conor8989

wow that was a long rant its really bothering you well you could sort it out by just saying your going to the wedding just say you have noting to do that day and insted of wasting the day you would like to go and see what he says

LegacyUser

Listen OP you are being fed complete bullcrud.
Just look at the excuses.

And how do you know he doesn't go out on the pull some of the weekends with some of his mates ?
Are you seriously believing he only goes out to events like weddings, stags, etc ?
And how do you actually know his friends don't go out since you have never met them.

There is a reason why you don't get weekend invites.
It is because it would be more difficult to avoid introducing you to someone in his circle of friends and family.

This whole thing actually sounds like a guy who is having an affair on the side.

Most people I know would have somewhere along the line introduced long term (anything over 6 months) girlfriends/boyfriends to some of their friends family at some stage.
I took my missus to my christmas party and she took me to hers after only about 4 months.
At the time it didn't mean we were ever going to be married.
It was just a normal thing to do.

And please OP do not listen to the people who think you are clingy.
Hell with the stuff you have put up with to date, I would reckon you are the direct opposite.

As they always say around here you deserve better.

Sunflower 27

You pour your heart out and he still does nothing. He says he will talk to his friend. When? The guy is dragging his heels consistently. Seeing your obvious hurt he should have spoke to his friend immediately. The fact he did nothing speaks volumes.

And yes, he is selfish. Who wants to date a selfish person? Do you not think you deserve better?

IlmoNT4

These are all very strange Irish weddings indeed OP, I dont know any Irish wedding where it wouldnt be ok to bring a +1 to the afters.

It happened to me, I was seeing a guy for a few months, when a wedding invitation arrived. I asked the bride could I bring him along and she said no, because they were broke and trying to keep the numbers down (fair enough) and she didnt realise I was seeing someone but he was more than welcome to come to the afters which he did...where he met some of my friends and we all had a good evening. No fuss or drama.

I dont understand why in over a year you havent met some of his friends for a pint...even just a casual drink. I dont know why he's not asking his mates, can I bring my girlfriend along? Its really weird.

As for the rest of it.... I think he's playing you a fool.