Is he ashamed of me?

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8/9 months and we were friends for a few months before that. He's very kind and supportive, treats me really well etc. We are opposite sides of the country and both have children so we can sometimes go a couple of weeks without seeing each other. He generally comes to me as he shares a house with other people so lacks privacy and likes to get away when he has time off work.

I am 100% sure he isn't seeing someone else, he's always on the phone to me and has made it clear I can visit anytime I want to. He's always available to talk to or video chat so I'm certain there's no other person involved.

My issue is that I'm starting to feel like he's ashamed of me. I've never met any of his friends or family (though I have spoken to a few on the phone) I've been asking him about it since March or April and he always has an excuse.
For example his family reason is because his parents are unwell (I'm happy not to meet his parents yet but what about siblings? )
His child it's because the child is to young to know it's dad is in a relationship - I asked why he couldn't just introduce me as a friend like his other friends but it turned into a massive row where I'm pressurising him. The child is in school so isnt particularly young BTW.
His friends is because they are far away which is partly my fault for not going to visit his place though when I was meant to be going up at the same time as a night out he told them he couldn't go and didn't mention it to me until afterwards.
He also said it's because there hasn't been any events where they are all together for me to meet them. Now, so far this year he has gone to a few weddings wit a few more coming up.
One is his best friend which is taking place 30 mins from my house and he will be staying at my house before the wedding and coming back the next day. Another is so close he has asked me to pick him up so he can save on a hotel!
Of course his friends wouldnt invite a stranger to their wedding day but I can't help wondering why he hasn't asked for me to be invited to the afters. Is that expecting too much?


Finally we had arranged about a month ago that I would visit him on a certain weekend to support him in his sport and then spend the day together and I would stay. I decided to treat us to a hotel for privacy. It turns out that he didn't book the time off work and will be going in so I will go to see him do his activity, have lunch together and then sit in a hotel room alone for 10 hours!! It's the first time I would have been going up too! Anytime he has plans with his friends or child he's able to remember to take the time off and be free so why not me?

I'm a bit overweight but not hugely and I dress well and look decent, he clearly likes my company and says he tells his friends and family about me but seems to not want them to see me in person though he doesn't mind phone chats.

Sorry for the long post I had a lot on my mind!

Sunflower 27

Hi there

From what you say, he doesn't seem overly invested in this relationship. There is very little effort being made on his part. It sounds as if he is getting out of it what suits him and to hell with how you feel.

The bottom line is you are unhappy, and that in itself isn't good enough.

Of course he should be eager and excited to show you off to his friends and inviting you to a wedding would be the perfect place to do this.

Only you can decide what to do, but given the distance between you and his refusal to make you a priority, I would be walking away from this relationship. As you said, his best mate lives 30 mins away!!!

You mention your weight, which makes me question what your self esteem is like? Are you holding on to this relationship because you are afraid you wont meet anyone else?

I bet you would be a great deal happier if you were not with a man that made you question yourself and made you feel insignificant and unimportant.

Life is too short, I'd be kicking this one to the kerb. You clearly deserve better. I hope you believe it.

zoobizoo

Confusedop wrote: »

Of course his friends wouldnt invite a stranger to their wedding day

They would.... I've been invited to weddings of gf's friends and had never met them before.

What ages are you and how far away do you live from one another?

Sunflower 27

zoobizoo wrote: »

They would.... I've been invited to weddings of gf's friends and had never met them before.

What ages are you and how far away do you live from one another?

Agree, that is the whole point of a +1. I have gone to weddings and not known the bride and groom several times.

freshpopcorn

To be honest, if you want the relationship to continue, you need to talk to him about this.
Different people have different views in relationships for when introducing friends/family/events/etc.

Sunflower 27

freshpopcorn wrote: »

To be honest, if you want the relationship to continue, you need to talk to him about this.
Different people have different views in relationships for when introducing friends/family/events/etc.

She said in her post she has talked to him. He always has excuses as to why she cant meet any of his friends.

bee06

OP, do you think it could be because he doesn't see a future and wants to be able to make a clean break when the time comes? Realistically is one of you going to move to be with the other. He would have to leave his child or uproot them or you would have to do the same.

freshpopcorn

freshpopcorn wrote: »

To be honest, if you want the relationship to continue, you need to talk to him about this.
Different people have different views in relationships for when introducing friends/family/events/etc.

He knows his child the best and he didn't want to introduce the op to his child and she wouldn't accept. Her opinion is the child is in school btw so isn't that young.
Not everybody is comfortably lying to their child this is daddies friend\etc

LegacyUser

freshpopcorn wrote: »

He knows his child the best and he didn't want to introduce the op to his child and she wouldn't accept. Her opinion is the child is in school btw so isn't that young.
Not everybody is comfortably lying to their child this is daddies friend\etc

Op here. In relation to the above post I didn't say that I didn't accept it, I was giving detail about the child to help with the advice I was hoping to get.....though I should have clarified thats what i meant.
When he is saying they are too young and I don't know when they will be old enough leaves our relationship in a place where there's long gaps between seeing each other so he has time with the child and means we never get weekends together because he's either at work, with the child or at some occasion. I don't see how that is sustainable in a long term relationship!

In relation to the other questions,we are mid 30's, Im about 2 hours from where he lives/works and his family home would be another hour or so in the other direction. He is planning to move closer to his home as soon as he can find a job which would bring him closer to me too.

He has said many times he loves me and wants us to work, he says he wants a future together and thinks we are "right" for each other. He treats me really well in most ways and we are very close which makes it more confusing. I think a relationship has to include a social aspect and meeting other people...doesn't it?


I've been thinking about it and even though I bring this up every couple of weeks he's never actually said he wants me to meet them. He gives excuses why we haven't and says he's not hiding me but it's never a case of him saying "yes I'd love you to meet my friends and family"

Augme

I'd never invite a girlfriend as a +1 to a wedding if she didn't know anyone. It would lessen my enjoyment of the wedding because I'd be worried about leaving her on her own etc etc.

LegacyUser

freshpopcorn wrote: »

He knows his child the best and he didn't want to introduce the op to his child and she wouldn't accept. Her opinion is the child is in school btw so isn't that young.
Not everybody is comfortably lying to their child this is daddies friend\etc

Op here. In relation to the above post I didn't say that I didn't accept it, I was giving detail about the child to help with the advice I was hoping to get.....though I should have clarified thats what i meant.
His excuse of "they are too young and i dont know when they will be old enough" means we continue with long gaps between seeing each other and always spending weekends apart because he is either at work or with the child.

In relation to the other questions,we are mid 30's, Im about 2 hours from where he lives/works and his family home would be another hour or so in the other direction. He is planning to move closer to his home as soon as he can find a job which would bring him closer to me too.

He has said many times he loves me and wants us to work, he says he wants a future together and thinks we are "right" for each other. He treats me really well in most ways and we are very close which makes it more confusing. I think a relationship has to include a social aspect and meeting other people...doesn't it?


I've been thinking about it and even though I bring this up every couple of weeks he's never actually said he wants me to meet them. He gives excuses why we haven't and says he's not hiding me but it's never a case of him saying "yes I'd love you to meet my friends and family"

I'm not sure if it's relevant but he hasn't told his child's mother about us with the reason being "it's my personal life and none of her business" though he told me a long time ago that he was scared of telling her when he met someone in case she caused problems. I wonder is that the real reason for not bringing me places? It's a lot easier to control who speak to on the phone than at a social event!

Sunflower 27

Augme wrote: »

I'd never invite a girlfriend as a +1 to a wedding if she didn't know anyone. It would lessen my enjoyment of the wedding because I'd be worried about leaving her on her own etc etc.

It depends on the person. I am sociable so it doesn't bother me talking to people.

It would be a great way for the OP to meet his friends though. If he is in it for the long haul, as he claims he is, then he should be encouraging the OP to meet his friends, not openly discouraging it.

My personal take is he is lying about his feelings to keep OP sweet. There have been far too many missed chances for him to introduce the new lady in his life. I don't believe he is being honest with the OP. Just my opinion, of course.

cazzer22

zoobizoo wrote: »

They would.... I've been invited to weddings of gf's friends and had never met them before.

What ages are you and how far away do you live from one another?

I met my OH at Christmas time and was invited to a wedding in January with all of his friends there. I met most of his friends straight away and his parents a few months later as well. I hear alarm bells ringing tbh OP. I don't get why he doesn't just invite you along to something silly like a shopping trip, so there's no huge pressure on either party. I wouldn't be very impressed.

zoobizoo

You're two hours from where is lives.... how often do you guys see each other?

freshpopcorn

cazzer22 wrote: »

I met my OH at Christmas time and was invited to a wedding in January with all of his friends there. I met most of his friends straight away and his parents a few months later as well. I hear alarm bells ringing tbh OP. I don't get why he doesn't just invite you along to something silly like a shopping trip, so there's no huge pressure on either party. I wouldn't be very impressed.

Different people introduce partners to their friends/relatives at different times.
Most of my friends wouldn't introduce a partner for a couple of months to me and I'd do the exact same. Same goes for family members.

CaraMay

I guess him having a gf will get back to the ex if he introduces you to family / friends. That's probably why.

cazzer22

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Different people introduce partners to their friends/relatives at different times.
Most of my friends wouldn't introduce a partner for a couple of months to me and I'd do the exact same. Same goes for family members.

Yes I know, I was just giving my experience on the situation. If like the OP I hadn't been introduced to anyone after 8/9 months, I would find that very odd, frustrating and tbh I would assume the guy is not invested enough in it. I never said my experience is exactly what should happen.

LegacyUser

Confusedop wrote: »

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8/9 months... we can sometimes go a couple of weeks without seeing each other.


I've never met any of his friends or family.... I've been asking him about it since March

I'm inclined to agree with the prevailing view that perhaps all is not well. However, just to give an alternative view....

You see each other perhaps not that frequently. So 8 or 9 months may not equate to a serious relationship (as in, things may not have progressed along to the extent that they might if you were seeing each other several times a week). On top of that, you've been going out 8 months. Since January? And you've been asking him about meeting his family since March? I would not be happy with this situation (if I were him - the 'nagging' to meet family at a very, very early stage in the dating game).

LegacyUser

My take is that you're expecting way too much commitment, for what seems like the beginnings of a relationship (every 3 wks for 9 mths), and overreacting.

You're together less than a year - lots of people wouldn't do the whole family meeting up in that time scale. Same goes for siblings. And you only see each other every few weeks. I'd think it's too soon to be getting aggravated about that if you only see each other 2 or 3 times a week for 9 months. Especially if there's kids involved.

He's totally right about his kid - you basically want him to lie to his child, and he quite rightly isn't prepared to do that. You are setting yourself up for battle as to who is 'more important', you or his child. And he is quite rightly choosing not to upset his child over not upsetting you.

You want to be invited to the wedding of his friends (whether all day or afters) who you don't know. That is unreasonable. You don't know them, money could be tight, if you go they might to invite a load of other +1's who they don't know, he mightn't want you there as it could be an old crowd of friends and he'd have to 'mind' you - and mainly because the people getting married have not extended an invite to you! It's not up to you BF to invite anyone.

I think you need to stop trying to force him to adhere to the timeline in your head. I think you're judging him harshly against some imaginary timeline you have, which isn't fair - and is made even more unreasonable by the fact that he has a child.

LegacyUser

Op again with an update.

I asked him about the wedding invitations and he said they have all been just for him with no +1 and as his friends hadn't met me he wasn't expecting them to invite me.
So he had a fair idea we wouldn't be invited to any of these weddings as a couple unless they met me and yet he did nothing even though I've been asking to meet them for 5/6 months.


Imagine I have had to ask my boyfriend multiple times over months why he hasn't introduced me to a soul in his life and had to humiliate myself by asking why none of his friends see us as a couple to invite to a wedding together.
He says he loves me but doesn't seeem in anyway proud or excited to show me off to anyone at all. Even knowing how upset I am he insists it's not possible to meet his friends as they don't go out anymore and he can't think of any possible way to introduce me. So from that I presume I'll be on the outside forever.

Payton

opagain wrote: »

Op again with an update.
He says he loves me but doesn't seeem in anyway proud or excited to show me off to anyone at all. Even knowing how upset I am he insists it's not possible to meet his friends as they don't go out anymore and he can't think of any possible way to introduce me. So from that I presume I'll be on the outside forever.

Do yourself a big favour and walk away. This guy has no intention of letting you into his life for his own reason's a bit selfish really and he wants to control the relationship by doing so. You've asked the questions most people who were in a relationship would but your hitting a brick wall. Move on and find someone who is willing to give their time and love to you for who you are.
Best of luck

junction12

I think ye're better off splitting up now.
I don't think ye're suited.
I'd find you very clingy wanting to meet my family and my child.(especially my child)(I don't believe in lying to kid "oh this is daddies friend).
You've also talked to his friends on the phone and they probably know your name. If your on social media they've probably looked you up the might know what you look like. I wouldn't bring a partner to a friends wedding unless I was with them for at least a year and knew then relationship was serious.

listermint

Augme wrote: »

I'd never invite a girlfriend as a +1 to a wedding if she didn't know anyone. It would lessen my enjoyment of the wedding because I'd be worried about leaving her on her own etc etc.

Sorry I'd see that as a bit weird. If I saw a future with a person and they were my "girlfriend" so to speak a wedding is a perfect opportunity to introduce them to my closest circle of friends. Not bringing them for some superfluous reason that they didn't know anyone is off the wall. The whole point of bringing them is to equate them with the crew.

freshpopcorn

listermint wrote: »

Sorry I'd see that as a bit weird. If I saw a future with a person and they were my "girlfriend" so to speak a wedding is a perfect opportunity to introduce them to my closest circle of friends. Not bringing them for some superfluous reason that they didn't know anyone is off the wall. The whole point of bringing them is to equate them with the crew.

I sort of get where that poster is coming from. You often see posts on various forums here about people going to weddings as plus ones and not knowing anybody and then them complaining they knew know nobody or they were bored because he/she spent the whole night talking to their friends.

listermint

freshpopcorn wrote: »

I sort of get where that poster is coming from. You often see posts on various forums here about people going to weddings as plus ones and not knowing anybody and then them complaining they knew know nobody or they were bored because he/she spent the whole night talking to their friends.

I don't really get it tbh. That's up to both the person who is bringing them to introduce and the person who is brought to get involved.

Jesus I'd imagine the amount of weddings where both partners know all guests is actually in the minority.

freshpopcorn

listermint wrote: »

I don't really get it tbh. That's up to both the person who is bringing them to introduce and the person who is brought to get involved.

Jesus I'd imagine the amount of weddings where both partners know all guests is actually in the minority.

I never said that both parties would know the majority of the guests.
I've seen threads here and on other sites about people going to weddings/functions and them dreading them because there going to be put in a room full of people that they've never met before apart from their partner.
Sorry off going off topic.

Flippyfloppy

freshpopcorn wrote: »

I never said that both parties would know the majority of the guests.
I've seen threads here and on other sites about people going to weddings/functions and them dreading them because there going to be put in a room full of people that they've never met before apart from their partner.
Sorry off going off topic.

That's probably person specific though. OP has made it clear she would like participate. At our own wedding we gave +1s, some people in couples decided just to travel with already invited friends, some others asked people to go on 'first dates' so it really depends. Ops bf seems to extend this not meeting his friends things across the board.

Op he really doesn't seem invested. Maybe he feels pressure to introduce you to people as you've been asking him after you were together , long distance for only 2 months? Even so, things aren't looking good, because he knows how you feel and isn't trying to alleviate that.

Sunflower 27

Why are people making out meeting his friends is a big deal. God, it doesn't mean marriage. It means I want to go out for a night with my friends and I want thus woman, who I want to date exclusively, to come along too.

If my partner had been so resistant to include me in his life when we started going out I would have told him to take a hike.

This guy cleay wants to keep you separate. It is your choice op if that us good enough.

He sees how upset this making you and still refuses to bend. Why are you accepting this?

zeffabelli

Could he be really private and like keeping his worlds separate?

Just curious op, have you applied pressure? Could it be contributing to the resistance??

You know how they say every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

Teyla Emmagan

It's very odd OP and I think you're right to feel the way you do. All I can think is that he's keeping you nice and separate from the rest of his family so that he can break up with you easily when the time comes. Or he doesn't want it getting back to the ex, as someone else said. Either way it's pretty desperate, and the fact he flares up and gets so defensive when you bring it up is a really bad sign.

This is important to you and he says he loves you so he should be proudly announcing you to the world IMO!

I would give him an ultimatum. You deserve better than to be hidden away like a dirty little secret.

junction12

Sunflower 27 wrote: »

Why are people making out meeting his friends is a big deal. God, it doesn't mean marriage. It means I want to go out for a night with my friends and I want thus woman, who I want to date exclusively, to come along too.

If my partner had been so resistant to include me in his life when we started going out I would have told him to take a hike.

This guy cleay wants to keep you separate. It is your choice op if that us good enough.

He sees how upset this making you and still refuses to bend. Why are you accepting this?

I wouldn't dream of introducing a partner to my friends unless I was dating them for at least a year and if she kept on about it and wouldn't accept my opinion. I'd be telling her to take hike. See different people different standard/opinion.