Is he ashamed of me?

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8/9 months and we were friends for a few months before that. He's very kind and supportive, treats me really well etc. We are opposite sides of the country and both have children so we can sometimes go a couple of weeks without seeing each other. He generally comes to me as he shares a house with other people so lacks privacy and likes to get away when he has time off work.

I am 100% sure he isn't seeing someone else, he's always on the phone to me and has made it clear I can visit anytime I want to. He's always available to talk to or video chat so I'm certain there's no other person involved.

My issue is that I'm starting to feel like he's ashamed of me. I've never met any of his friends or family (though I have spoken to a few on the phone) I've been asking him about it since March or April and he always has an excuse.
For example his family reason is because his parents are unwell (I'm happy not to meet his parents yet but what about siblings? )
His child it's because the child is to young to know it's dad is in a relationship - I asked why he couldn't just introduce me as a friend like his other friends but it turned into a massive row where I'm pressurising him. The child is in school so isnt particularly young BTW.
His friends is because they are far away which is partly my fault for not going to visit his place though when I was meant to be going up at the same time as a night out he told them he couldn't go and didn't mention it to me until afterwards.
He also said it's because there hasn't been any events where they are all together for me to meet them. Now, so far this year he has gone to a few weddings wit a few more coming up.
One is his best friend which is taking place 30 mins from my house and he will be staying at my house before the wedding and coming back the next day. Another is so close he has asked me to pick him up so he can save on a hotel!
Of course his friends wouldnt invite a stranger to their wedding day but I can't help wondering why he hasn't asked for me to be invited to the afters. Is that expecting too much?


Finally we had arranged about a month ago that I would visit him on a certain weekend to support him in his sport and then spend the day together and I would stay. I decided to treat us to a hotel for privacy. It turns out that he didn't book the time off work and will be going in so I will go to see him do his activity, have lunch together and then sit in a hotel room alone for 10 hours!! It's the first time I would have been going up too! Anytime he has plans with his friends or child he's able to remember to take the time off and be free so why not me?

I'm a bit overweight but not hugely and I dress well and look decent, he clearly likes my company and says he tells his friends and family about me but seems to not want them to see me in person though he doesn't mind phone chats.

Sorry for the long post I had a lot on my mind!

Sunflower 27

Hi there

From what you say, he doesn't seem overly invested in this relationship. There is very little effort being made on his part. It sounds as if he is getting out of it what suits him and to hell with how you feel.

The bottom line is you are unhappy, and that in itself isn't good enough.

Of course he should be eager and excited to show you off to his friends and inviting you to a wedding would be the perfect place to do this.

Only you can decide what to do, but given the distance between you and his refusal to make you a priority, I would be walking away from this relationship. As you said, his best mate lives 30 mins away!!!

You mention your weight, which makes me question what your self esteem is like? Are you holding on to this relationship because you are afraid you wont meet anyone else?

I bet you would be a great deal happier if you were not with a man that made you question yourself and made you feel insignificant and unimportant.

Life is too short, I'd be kicking this one to the kerb. You clearly deserve better. I hope you believe it.

zoobizoo

Confusedop wrote: »

Of course his friends wouldnt invite a stranger to their wedding day

They would.... I've been invited to weddings of gf's friends and had never met them before.

What ages are you and how far away do you live from one another?

Sunflower 27

zoobizoo wrote: »

They would.... I've been invited to weddings of gf's friends and had never met them before.

What ages are you and how far away do you live from one another?

Agree, that is the whole point of a +1. I have gone to weddings and not known the bride and groom several times.

freshpopcorn

To be honest, if you want the relationship to continue, you need to talk to him about this.
Different people have different views in relationships for when introducing friends/family/events/etc.

Sunflower 27

freshpopcorn wrote: »

To be honest, if you want the relationship to continue, you need to talk to him about this.
Different people have different views in relationships for when introducing friends/family/events/etc.

She said in her post she has talked to him. He always has excuses as to why she cant meet any of his friends.

bee06

OP, do you think it could be because he doesn't see a future and wants to be able to make a clean break when the time comes? Realistically is one of you going to move to be with the other. He would have to leave his child or uproot them or you would have to do the same.

freshpopcorn

freshpopcorn wrote: »

To be honest, if you want the relationship to continue, you need to talk to him about this.
Different people have different views in relationships for when introducing friends/family/events/etc.

He knows his child the best and he didn't want to introduce the op to his child and she wouldn't accept. Her opinion is the child is in school btw so isn't that young.
Not everybody is comfortably lying to their child this is daddies friend\etc

LegacyUser

freshpopcorn wrote: »

He knows his child the best and he didn't want to introduce the op to his child and she wouldn't accept. Her opinion is the child is in school btw so isn't that young.
Not everybody is comfortably lying to their child this is daddies friend\etc

Op here. In relation to the above post I didn't say that I didn't accept it, I was giving detail about the child to help with the advice I was hoping to get.....though I should have clarified thats what i meant.
When he is saying they are too young and I don't know when they will be old enough leaves our relationship in a place where there's long gaps between seeing each other so he has time with the child and means we never get weekends together because he's either at work, with the child or at some occasion. I don't see how that is sustainable in a long term relationship!

In relation to the other questions,we are mid 30's, Im about 2 hours from where he lives/works and his family home would be another hour or so in the other direction. He is planning to move closer to his home as soon as he can find a job which would bring him closer to me too.

He has said many times he loves me and wants us to work, he says he wants a future together and thinks we are "right" for each other. He treats me really well in most ways and we are very close which makes it more confusing. I think a relationship has to include a social aspect and meeting other people...doesn't it?


I've been thinking about it and even though I bring this up every couple of weeks he's never actually said he wants me to meet them. He gives excuses why we haven't and says he's not hiding me but it's never a case of him saying "yes I'd love you to meet my friends and family"

Augme

I'd never invite a girlfriend as a +1 to a wedding if she didn't know anyone. It would lessen my enjoyment of the wedding because I'd be worried about leaving her on her own etc etc.

LegacyUser

freshpopcorn wrote: »

He knows his child the best and he didn't want to introduce the op to his child and she wouldn't accept. Her opinion is the child is in school btw so isn't that young.
Not everybody is comfortably lying to their child this is daddies friend\etc

Op here. In relation to the above post I didn't say that I didn't accept it, I was giving detail about the child to help with the advice I was hoping to get.....though I should have clarified thats what i meant.
His excuse of "they are too young and i dont know when they will be old enough" means we continue with long gaps between seeing each other and always spending weekends apart because he is either at work or with the child.

In relation to the other questions,we are mid 30's, Im about 2 hours from where he lives/works and his family home would be another hour or so in the other direction. He is planning to move closer to his home as soon as he can find a job which would bring him closer to me too.

He has said many times he loves me and wants us to work, he says he wants a future together and thinks we are "right" for each other. He treats me really well in most ways and we are very close which makes it more confusing. I think a relationship has to include a social aspect and meeting other people...doesn't it?


I've been thinking about it and even though I bring this up every couple of weeks he's never actually said he wants me to meet them. He gives excuses why we haven't and says he's not hiding me but it's never a case of him saying "yes I'd love you to meet my friends and family"

I'm not sure if it's relevant but he hasn't told his child's mother about us with the reason being "it's my personal life and none of her business" though he told me a long time ago that he was scared of telling her when he met someone in case she caused problems. I wonder is that the real reason for not bringing me places? It's a lot easier to control who speak to on the phone than at a social event!

Sunflower 27

Augme wrote: »

I'd never invite a girlfriend as a +1 to a wedding if she didn't know anyone. It would lessen my enjoyment of the wedding because I'd be worried about leaving her on her own etc etc.

It depends on the person. I am sociable so it doesn't bother me talking to people.

It would be a great way for the OP to meet his friends though. If he is in it for the long haul, as he claims he is, then he should be encouraging the OP to meet his friends, not openly discouraging it.

My personal take is he is lying about his feelings to keep OP sweet. There have been far too many missed chances for him to introduce the new lady in his life. I don't believe he is being honest with the OP. Just my opinion, of course.

cazzer22

zoobizoo wrote: »

They would.... I've been invited to weddings of gf's friends and had never met them before.

What ages are you and how far away do you live from one another?

I met my OH at Christmas time and was invited to a wedding in January with all of his friends there. I met most of his friends straight away and his parents a few months later as well. I hear alarm bells ringing tbh OP. I don't get why he doesn't just invite you along to something silly like a shopping trip, so there's no huge pressure on either party. I wouldn't be very impressed.

zoobizoo

You're two hours from where is lives.... how often do you guys see each other?

freshpopcorn

cazzer22 wrote: »

I met my OH at Christmas time and was invited to a wedding in January with all of his friends there. I met most of his friends straight away and his parents a few months later as well. I hear alarm bells ringing tbh OP. I don't get why he doesn't just invite you along to something silly like a shopping trip, so there's no huge pressure on either party. I wouldn't be very impressed.

Different people introduce partners to their friends/relatives at different times.
Most of my friends wouldn't introduce a partner for a couple of months to me and I'd do the exact same. Same goes for family members.

CaraMay

I guess him having a gf will get back to the ex if he introduces you to family / friends. That's probably why.

cazzer22

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Different people introduce partners to their friends/relatives at different times.
Most of my friends wouldn't introduce a partner for a couple of months to me and I'd do the exact same. Same goes for family members.

Yes I know, I was just giving my experience on the situation. If like the OP I hadn't been introduced to anyone after 8/9 months, I would find that very odd, frustrating and tbh I would assume the guy is not invested enough in it. I never said my experience is exactly what should happen.

LegacyUser

Confusedop wrote: »

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8/9 months... we can sometimes go a couple of weeks without seeing each other.


I've never met any of his friends or family.... I've been asking him about it since March

I'm inclined to agree with the prevailing view that perhaps all is not well. However, just to give an alternative view....

You see each other perhaps not that frequently. So 8 or 9 months may not equate to a serious relationship (as in, things may not have progressed along to the extent that they might if you were seeing each other several times a week). On top of that, you've been going out 8 months. Since January? And you've been asking him about meeting his family since March? I would not be happy with this situation (if I were him - the 'nagging' to meet family at a very, very early stage in the dating game).

LegacyUser

My take is that you're expecting way too much commitment, for what seems like the beginnings of a relationship (every 3 wks for 9 mths), and overreacting.

You're together less than a year - lots of people wouldn't do the whole family meeting up in that time scale. Same goes for siblings. And you only see each other every few weeks. I'd think it's too soon to be getting aggravated about that if you only see each other 2 or 3 times a week for 9 months. Especially if there's kids involved.

He's totally right about his kid - you basically want him to lie to his child, and he quite rightly isn't prepared to do that. You are setting yourself up for battle as to who is 'more important', you or his child. And he is quite rightly choosing not to upset his child over not upsetting you.

You want to be invited to the wedding of his friends (whether all day or afters) who you don't know. That is unreasonable. You don't know them, money could be tight, if you go they might to invite a load of other +1's who they don't know, he mightn't want you there as it could be an old crowd of friends and he'd have to 'mind' you - and mainly because the people getting married have not extended an invite to you! It's not up to you BF to invite anyone.

I think you need to stop trying to force him to adhere to the timeline in your head. I think you're judging him harshly against some imaginary timeline you have, which isn't fair - and is made even more unreasonable by the fact that he has a child.

LegacyUser

Op again with an update.

I asked him about the wedding invitations and he said they have all been just for him with no +1 and as his friends hadn't met me he wasn't expecting them to invite me.
So he had a fair idea we wouldn't be invited to any of these weddings as a couple unless they met me and yet he did nothing even though I've been asking to meet them for 5/6 months.


Imagine I have had to ask my boyfriend multiple times over months why he hasn't introduced me to a soul in his life and had to humiliate myself by asking why none of his friends see us as a couple to invite to a wedding together.
He says he loves me but doesn't seeem in anyway proud or excited to show me off to anyone at all. Even knowing how upset I am he insists it's not possible to meet his friends as they don't go out anymore and he can't think of any possible way to introduce me. So from that I presume I'll be on the outside forever.

Payton

opagain wrote: »

Op again with an update.
He says he loves me but doesn't seeem in anyway proud or excited to show me off to anyone at all. Even knowing how upset I am he insists it's not possible to meet his friends as they don't go out anymore and he can't think of any possible way to introduce me. So from that I presume I'll be on the outside forever.

Do yourself a big favour and walk away. This guy has no intention of letting you into his life for his own reason's a bit selfish really and he wants to control the relationship by doing so. You've asked the questions most people who were in a relationship would but your hitting a brick wall. Move on and find someone who is willing to give their time and love to you for who you are.
Best of luck

junction12

I think ye're better off splitting up now.
I don't think ye're suited.
I'd find you very clingy wanting to meet my family and my child.(especially my child)(I don't believe in lying to kid "oh this is daddies friend).
You've also talked to his friends on the phone and they probably know your name. If your on social media they've probably looked you up the might know what you look like. I wouldn't bring a partner to a friends wedding unless I was with them for at least a year and knew then relationship was serious.

listermint

Augme wrote: »

I'd never invite a girlfriend as a +1 to a wedding if she didn't know anyone. It would lessen my enjoyment of the wedding because I'd be worried about leaving her on her own etc etc.

Sorry I'd see that as a bit weird. If I saw a future with a person and they were my "girlfriend" so to speak a wedding is a perfect opportunity to introduce them to my closest circle of friends. Not bringing them for some superfluous reason that they didn't know anyone is off the wall. The whole point of bringing them is to equate them with the crew.

freshpopcorn

listermint wrote: »

Sorry I'd see that as a bit weird. If I saw a future with a person and they were my "girlfriend" so to speak a wedding is a perfect opportunity to introduce them to my closest circle of friends. Not bringing them for some superfluous reason that they didn't know anyone is off the wall. The whole point of bringing them is to equate them with the crew.

I sort of get where that poster is coming from. You often see posts on various forums here about people going to weddings as plus ones and not knowing anybody and then them complaining they knew know nobody or they were bored because he/she spent the whole night talking to their friends.

listermint

freshpopcorn wrote: »

I sort of get where that poster is coming from. You often see posts on various forums here about people going to weddings as plus ones and not knowing anybody and then them complaining they knew know nobody or they were bored because he/she spent the whole night talking to their friends.

I don't really get it tbh. That's up to both the person who is bringing them to introduce and the person who is brought to get involved.

Jesus I'd imagine the amount of weddings where both partners know all guests is actually in the minority.

freshpopcorn

listermint wrote: »

I don't really get it tbh. That's up to both the person who is bringing them to introduce and the person who is brought to get involved.

Jesus I'd imagine the amount of weddings where both partners know all guests is actually in the minority.

I never said that both parties would know the majority of the guests.
I've seen threads here and on other sites about people going to weddings/functions and them dreading them because there going to be put in a room full of people that they've never met before apart from their partner.
Sorry off going off topic.

Flippyfloppy

freshpopcorn wrote: »

I never said that both parties would know the majority of the guests.
I've seen threads here and on other sites about people going to weddings/functions and them dreading them because there going to be put in a room full of people that they've never met before apart from their partner.
Sorry off going off topic.

That's probably person specific though. OP has made it clear she would like participate. At our own wedding we gave +1s, some people in couples decided just to travel with already invited friends, some others asked people to go on 'first dates' so it really depends. Ops bf seems to extend this not meeting his friends things across the board.

Op he really doesn't seem invested. Maybe he feels pressure to introduce you to people as you've been asking him after you were together , long distance for only 2 months? Even so, things aren't looking good, because he knows how you feel and isn't trying to alleviate that.

Sunflower 27

Why are people making out meeting his friends is a big deal. God, it doesn't mean marriage. It means I want to go out for a night with my friends and I want thus woman, who I want to date exclusively, to come along too.

If my partner had been so resistant to include me in his life when we started going out I would have told him to take a hike.

This guy cleay wants to keep you separate. It is your choice op if that us good enough.

He sees how upset this making you and still refuses to bend. Why are you accepting this?

zeffabelli

Could he be really private and like keeping his worlds separate?

Just curious op, have you applied pressure? Could it be contributing to the resistance??

You know how they say every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

Teyla Emmagan

It's very odd OP and I think you're right to feel the way you do. All I can think is that he's keeping you nice and separate from the rest of his family so that he can break up with you easily when the time comes. Or he doesn't want it getting back to the ex, as someone else said. Either way it's pretty desperate, and the fact he flares up and gets so defensive when you bring it up is a really bad sign.

This is important to you and he says he loves you so he should be proudly announcing you to the world IMO!

I would give him an ultimatum. You deserve better than to be hidden away like a dirty little secret.

junction12

Sunflower 27 wrote: »

Why are people making out meeting his friends is a big deal. God, it doesn't mean marriage. It means I want to go out for a night with my friends and I want thus woman, who I want to date exclusively, to come along too.

If my partner had been so resistant to include me in his life when we started going out I would have told him to take a hike.

This guy cleay wants to keep you separate. It is your choice op if that us good enough.

He sees how upset this making you and still refuses to bend. Why are you accepting this?

I wouldn't dream of introducing a partner to my friends unless I was dating them for at least a year and if she kept on about it and wouldn't accept my opinion. I'd be telling her to take hike. See different people different standard/opinion.

junction12

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

It's very odd OP and I think you're right to feel the way you do. All I can think is that he's keeping you nice and separate from the rest of his family so that he can break up with you easily when the time comes. Or he doesn't want it getting back to the ex, as someone else said. Either way it's pretty desperate, and the fact he flares up and gets so defensive when you bring it up is a really bad sign.

This is important to you and he says he loves you so he should be proudly announcing you to the world IMO!

I would give him an ultimatum. You deserve better than to be hidden away like a dirty little secret.

She's talked to his friends on the phone. They know about her. She's not his dirty little secret.

AndyBoBandy

Augme wrote: »

I'd never invite a girlfriend as a +1 to a wedding if she didn't know anyone. It would lessen my enjoyment of the wedding because I'd be worried about leaving her on her own etc etc.

How then would she ever get to know anyone/any of your friends? What about the next wedding down the line? Everybody has to meet someone for the first time! I guess not wanting to bring a gf along to a wedding to meet your family/friends is just some sort of self admission that it's not going to last in your mind.

faceman

Granted there are two sides to every story this seems a little odd. If I'm reading this right there have been multiple weddings that have come up?

A one off wedding is fine but if a mature individual has more than 1 wedding coming up then he would be bringing a girlfriend to at least one. The excuse that +1 wouldn't know anyone and would need to be minded is childish and insulting. As someone mentioned already, weddings are an ideal way to get to know a group of friends. And if the person is concerned about the +1 not knowing anyone then that's easily addressed by inviting the +1 out on a night out in advance of the meeting with the friends.

A relationship should be fun, exciting and making you feel like a rockstar. If you don't feel like that then something is wrong

LegacyUser

Op again wow thanks for the replies!

We see each other very varied amounts but time together is usually in blocks so if I added it up overy the time I would say it averages about 2 whole days a week. Sometimes 4days one week and 2 weeks apart and sometimes 1 day 3 times a week! It's not 3 weeks apart at any point sorry if I gave that impression.

I just want to clarify that I don't want to meet his child until he's 100% ready. How and when he chooses to do that is up to him. His love of his child is one of the best parts of him.

I included his responses in relation to his child and family as well as friends to try and show people why I get so frustrated at being kept separate from everyone. I though if I just said I hadn't met his friends people would ask about family I don't mind not meeting family until it's more settled there and he is comfortable.

In relation to the wedding it's ironic that the reason for not inviting me is that they haven't met me yet while he has no interest in introducing me to anyone. Its become a situation where I can't be part of his social life because the only meetings are invite only type things and no one knows me to invite me. The wedding wasn't the main point of my post more that it seemed an opportune time to meet people. Honestly I'd prefer to meet a couple of friends in a coffee shop or sandwich place for a quick nice to meet you chat without the pressure of a wedding but he's not doing that!

Maybe I am wrong and it's completely normal not to have met anyone in his life after this long. Thas the point of this thread I guess though no one has yet to say it's normal not to have met anyone at all after this long?

I just feel that he is either ashamed of me or as caramay said that he's hiding me away so his ex doesn't find out and cause trouble. I'm so proud of him and so happy to have met him it just makes me sad that it feels like he doesn't want people to see us as a couple.

I wouldn't say I putt pressure on him as such, I mentioned it early on in a very non pressured "I'd love to meet your friends that you're always talking about" way rather than "why haven't I met them"
Since then it comes up in conversation naturally and it's mainly light hearted. I'm putting up with it because in most other ways he is brilliant and kind and so caring towards me. I feel like he just doesn't understand how isolated from his life I feel and if we could fix it everything would fall into place.

junction12

AndyBoBandy wrote: »

How then would she ever get to know anyone/any of your friends? What about the next wedding down the line? Everybody has to meet someone for the first time! I guess not wanting to bring a gf along to a wedding to meet your family/friends is just some sort of self admission that it's not going to last in your mind.

I'd always introduce a partner in a smaller setting be it a pub/resteraunt match/etc to friends for them to met for the first time. This will allow them to have a click with somebody if there was an event coming up. So it wouldn't be over whelming for them at the event.

freshpopcorn

Have read off this thread again. Sorry for making it go off topic.
You can talk to him about your issues or break up.
Personal speaking I'd find you over clingy and would have probably broken up with you month ago. That's just my opinion tough and totally get where your coming from. You need to look at how this relationship will go in the future.

LegacyUser

faceman wrote: »

Granted there are two sides to every story this seems a little odd. If I'm reading this right there have been multiple weddings that have come up?

A one off wedding is fine but if a mature individual has more than 1 wedding coming up then he would be bringing a girlfriend to at least one. The excuse that +1 wouldn't know anyone and would need to be minded is childish and insulting. As someone mentioned already, weddings are an ideal way to get to know a group of friends. And if the person is concerned about the +1 not knowing anyone then that's easily addressed by inviting the +1 out on a night out in advance of the meeting with the friends.

A relationship should be fun, exciting and making you feel like a rockstar. If you don't feel like that then something is wrong

6 weddings in total. Out of the 6 grooms at least 3 were at the party that we could have gone to together but he didn't tell me about till afterwards. The only one I kinda thought I'd be invited to is the best friend as I presumed he'd have talked about me the way he talks to me!

Maybe like someone said he wants to wait a year and if he said that I would understand.
Or if there's any other reason at least I'd know where I stand but it's so hurtful to never be invited to anything or to meet anyone and is starting to make me doubt myself.

amdublin

Has he met your friends and family op?

How did that occur? Arranged or just naturally happened?

zeffabelli

faceman wrote: »

A relationship should be fun, exciting and making you feel like a rockstar. If you don't feel like that then something is wrong

Be careful of shoulds.

The shadow of the ideal is exactly how things get ruined.

There are no shoulds.

Sunflower 27

junction12 wrote: »

I wouldn't dream of introducing a partner to my friends unless I was dating them for at least a year and if she kept on about it and wouldn't accept my opinion. I'd be telling her to take hike. See different people different standard/opinion.

Waiting a year? Really. Never known anyone to wait that long before.

OP, the guy is full of b*lsh*t. If he loves you as he says and wants you in his future, why is he deliberately keeping you from these special events in his friends' lives.

Sunflower 27

zeffabelli wrote: »

Be careful of shoulds.

The shadow of the ideal is exactly how things get ruined.

There are no shoulds.

I think most people would agree that in a relationship you should not feel like an outsider. That causes clear upset, as seen here.

You should not feel as if your partner is ashamed of you either.

jimd2

There is probably an innocent explanation for his failure to commit fully but it is strange. I know my now wife wold have met friends / family at least on some occasion within a month or so of meeting.

It does remind me a little of this radio call I heard a few years ago......

http://www.guzer.com/animations/radio_station_roses.php

Sunflower 27

Oh, OP, don't mind the comment about being clingy. You said yourself you put it in a 'I'd like to meet your friends way'. That is not clingy at all. That shows you see a future in the relationship with him and want to be involved in his life. He should have been flattered.

I remember when I mentioned it to my partner, he organised a trip to Dublin, where most of his friends live and we all had a night out!

If you can't ask for what you like in a relationship, why then even be in one?

Emme

OP, I know you've spoken to some of his friends on the phone but are your sure things are really finished between him and his ex-girlfriend? You said that you knew this guy as a friend first. Do they still think you are just a friend or has he told them you are his girlfriend now?

Have you stayed in his house and met his housemates or has he just stayed at yours? If you haven't stayed at his house it is very strange. He may well be hiding something.

You are not being clingy. You know this guy 9 months and you haven't met any of his friends or family. In my opinion that is weird. Fair enough if he doesn't want to introduce his child yet but he should have introduced you to some of his circle by now.

I think it's a bit of a cheek him wanting to stay at yours for his mates wedding and then go without you. If I were you I'd go away that weekend and let him pay for a B&B. Or tell them one of your children is sick and you'd rather not have anyone staying. Has he met your children? If so it's all very one sided.

Maybe you should take a break from him. If you're unhappy about your weight join Slimmers World, get fitter and get some more self-confidence. There is no reason to stay with somebody who isn't treating with proper respect and is hiding you away.

My advice is take a break from him for a short while if not for good.

The actions of your bf are reminding me of the book "He's Just Not That Into You".

Payton

OP you've known this guy for roughly a year now and you still haven't met his family or friends to me these are red flags. He can chat away to as many people he wishes on whatever source but he's not playing fair here.
Call him up and tell him next weekend you'll be down to see him and gauge his response. From what you have posted he's stringing you along for his own purpose. Really is it worth all the hassle that HE is putting you through?

Wabbit Ears

TBH I don't see how the OP is really getting anything out of this relationship.

regardless of amount of time with a person people bring their partners to weddings. Not doing so once, barely forgiveable, twice GTFO, three or more, why not just beat the fcuk out of yourself with a rejection stick.

Never meeting any family or friends? Sorry, again just weird. It's gone way beyond a passing thought into active exclusion.

Not allowed meet his kid? Get a life man. Meeting dad's girlfriend is not a life altering event. It's not even a thing. It's pure projection of his insecurities onto a kid. The kid doesn't care or even really understand any of the complexities of adult relationships. And those that say about not lying to kids, WTF? We lie to kids all the time about so many things. Toothfaries, santa, why they have to goto bed, why mammys vodka bottle has a leak.

OP do yourself a favour, tell this guy to fcukoff and find someone who is capable of a normal relationship where you are actually part of his casual day to day life.

zeffabelli

Sunflower 27 wrote: »

I think most people would agree that in a relationship you should not feel like an outsider. That causes clear upset, as seen here.

You should not feel as if your partner is ashamed of you either.

Yeah see I don't make assessments based on the standards of most people, one because I am not most people, and two because these are standards I did not consent to, and three it's impossible to understand other people's relationships.

Nor do I make assessments based on the normative a or events of my life, as I am not the measure of all things either.

I can however provide other ways of looking at things and explains the possibilities of motive.

What does this mean..." You should not feel like an outsider." It's a completely appropriate response if she is de facto an outsider, but some people do like to keep things very private, what matters is how OP interprets it and whether she wants more and likes things another way.

Sunflower 27

zeffabelli wrote: »

Yeah see I don't make assessments based on the standards of most people, one because I am not most people, and two because these are standards I did not consent to, and three it's impossible to understand other people's relationships.

Nor do I make assessments based on the normative a or events of my life, as I am not the measure of all things either.

I can however provide other ways of looking at things and explains the possibilities of motive.

What does this mean..." You should not feel like an outsider." It's a completely appropriate response if she is de facto an outsider, but some people do like to keep things very private, what matters is how OP interprets it and whether she wants more and likes things another way.

This is all a little convoluted, but I think I get what you are trying to say. Of course we are all different, but I don't know of anyone that would choose to stay in a relationship that make them feel bad about themselves.

Of course there are 'shoulds' in relationships. You should feel good in them, they should enhance your life, not make you feel bad.

Add to this: You should be treated with respect, valued and made to feel loved.

Of course the OP is an outsider. That is what you are when you are on the outside looking in at something you are being excluded from. And she is clearly being excluded.

LegacyUser

Op again thanks so much everyone for your help. Sunflower 27 especially you are so kind.

To answer as many questions as I can-

amdublin- yea he has met some of my friends generally organised by me to meet or call in. He has met my child as our time together has to be midweek and of course my child is at home for school etc. His weekends off are all with his child and we don't spend weekends together, I don't mind that as the children come first.

Emme- Yes I am sure they are finished, the only way I think his ex could be involved is if he's scared of her finding out he has moved on and causing problems with the child.

Payton- if I wanted to go to his house there would be no problem it's very clear I'm welcome anytime!

His reasoning is that his friends don't tend to meet up often and there's no nights out he could bring me to where I could meet people. Its true he rarely goes out and it's mainly to "events" like weddings.
He says none of his friends would invite someone to a wedding they don't know and I do understand that but I don't understand why in all this time he hasn't arranged anything even though he knows I feel excluded and as if he's ashamed of me.

I'm so confused because on one hand what he says makes sense that he doesn't go out but on the other it's normal to want your friends and girlfriend to interact.....it's so hard to know what to do!

zoobizoo

Ophere wrote: »

He says none of his friends would invite someone to a wedding they don't know and I do understand that but I don't understand why in all this time he hasn't arranged anything even though he knows I feel excluded and as if he's ashamed of me.

These are men in their 30s! I have been often asked, while single, if I wanted to bring a plus 1 by my friends. If I was single, I would refuse.

If I was seeing someone seriously, and thought it was going somewhere, I would expect an invite for my partner. If I didn't get an invite for her, I'd ask.

I've been to many weddings of my gf's friends whom I do not know. This sounds so fishy to me.

What it sounds like is he wants to have fun with his friends, see who he can meet at the wedding and make sure that you are so out of the picture that no one will think "sure doesn't he have a girlfriend".