Is he ashamed of me?

junction12

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

It's very odd OP and I think you're right to feel the way you do. All I can think is that he's keeping you nice and separate from the rest of his family so that he can break up with you easily when the time comes. Or he doesn't want it getting back to the ex, as someone else said. Either way it's pretty desperate, and the fact he flares up and gets so defensive when you bring it up is a really bad sign.

This is important to you and he says he loves you so he should be proudly announcing you to the world IMO!

I would give him an ultimatum. You deserve better than to be hidden away like a dirty little secret.

She's talked to his friends on the phone. They know about her. She's not his dirty little secret.

AndyBoBandy

Augme wrote: »

I'd never invite a girlfriend as a +1 to a wedding if she didn't know anyone. It would lessen my enjoyment of the wedding because I'd be worried about leaving her on her own etc etc.

How then would she ever get to know anyone/any of your friends? What about the next wedding down the line? Everybody has to meet someone for the first time! I guess not wanting to bring a gf along to a wedding to meet your family/friends is just some sort of self admission that it's not going to last in your mind.

faceman

Granted there are two sides to every story this seems a little odd. If I'm reading this right there have been multiple weddings that have come up?

A one off wedding is fine but if a mature individual has more than 1 wedding coming up then he would be bringing a girlfriend to at least one. The excuse that +1 wouldn't know anyone and would need to be minded is childish and insulting. As someone mentioned already, weddings are an ideal way to get to know a group of friends. And if the person is concerned about the +1 not knowing anyone then that's easily addressed by inviting the +1 out on a night out in advance of the meeting with the friends.

A relationship should be fun, exciting and making you feel like a rockstar. If you don't feel like that then something is wrong

LegacyUser

Op again wow thanks for the replies!

We see each other very varied amounts but time together is usually in blocks so if I added it up overy the time I would say it averages about 2 whole days a week. Sometimes 4days one week and 2 weeks apart and sometimes 1 day 3 times a week! It's not 3 weeks apart at any point sorry if I gave that impression.

I just want to clarify that I don't want to meet his child until he's 100% ready. How and when he chooses to do that is up to him. His love of his child is one of the best parts of him.

I included his responses in relation to his child and family as well as friends to try and show people why I get so frustrated at being kept separate from everyone. I though if I just said I hadn't met his friends people would ask about family I don't mind not meeting family until it's more settled there and he is comfortable.

In relation to the wedding it's ironic that the reason for not inviting me is that they haven't met me yet while he has no interest in introducing me to anyone. Its become a situation where I can't be part of his social life because the only meetings are invite only type things and no one knows me to invite me. The wedding wasn't the main point of my post more that it seemed an opportune time to meet people. Honestly I'd prefer to meet a couple of friends in a coffee shop or sandwich place for a quick nice to meet you chat without the pressure of a wedding but he's not doing that!

Maybe I am wrong and it's completely normal not to have met anyone in his life after this long. Thas the point of this thread I guess though no one has yet to say it's normal not to have met anyone at all after this long?

I just feel that he is either ashamed of me or as caramay said that he's hiding me away so his ex doesn't find out and cause trouble. I'm so proud of him and so happy to have met him it just makes me sad that it feels like he doesn't want people to see us as a couple.

I wouldn't say I putt pressure on him as such, I mentioned it early on in a very non pressured "I'd love to meet your friends that you're always talking about" way rather than "why haven't I met them"
Since then it comes up in conversation naturally and it's mainly light hearted. I'm putting up with it because in most other ways he is brilliant and kind and so caring towards me. I feel like he just doesn't understand how isolated from his life I feel and if we could fix it everything would fall into place.

junction12

AndyBoBandy wrote: »

How then would she ever get to know anyone/any of your friends? What about the next wedding down the line? Everybody has to meet someone for the first time! I guess not wanting to bring a gf along to a wedding to meet your family/friends is just some sort of self admission that it's not going to last in your mind.

I'd always introduce a partner in a smaller setting be it a pub/resteraunt match/etc to friends for them to met for the first time. This will allow them to have a click with somebody if there was an event coming up. So it wouldn't be over whelming for them at the event.

freshpopcorn

Have read off this thread again. Sorry for making it go off topic.
You can talk to him about your issues or break up.
Personal speaking I'd find you over clingy and would have probably broken up with you month ago. That's just my opinion tough and totally get where your coming from. You need to look at how this relationship will go in the future.

LegacyUser

faceman wrote: »

Granted there are two sides to every story this seems a little odd. If I'm reading this right there have been multiple weddings that have come up?

A one off wedding is fine but if a mature individual has more than 1 wedding coming up then he would be bringing a girlfriend to at least one. The excuse that +1 wouldn't know anyone and would need to be minded is childish and insulting. As someone mentioned already, weddings are an ideal way to get to know a group of friends. And if the person is concerned about the +1 not knowing anyone then that's easily addressed by inviting the +1 out on a night out in advance of the meeting with the friends.

A relationship should be fun, exciting and making you feel like a rockstar. If you don't feel like that then something is wrong

6 weddings in total. Out of the 6 grooms at least 3 were at the party that we could have gone to together but he didn't tell me about till afterwards. The only one I kinda thought I'd be invited to is the best friend as I presumed he'd have talked about me the way he talks to me!

Maybe like someone said he wants to wait a year and if he said that I would understand.
Or if there's any other reason at least I'd know where I stand but it's so hurtful to never be invited to anything or to meet anyone and is starting to make me doubt myself.

amdublin

Has he met your friends and family op?

How did that occur? Arranged or just naturally happened?

zeffabelli

faceman wrote: »

A relationship should be fun, exciting and making you feel like a rockstar. If you don't feel like that then something is wrong

Be careful of shoulds.

The shadow of the ideal is exactly how things get ruined.

There are no shoulds.

Sunflower 27

junction12 wrote: »

I wouldn't dream of introducing a partner to my friends unless I was dating them for at least a year and if she kept on about it and wouldn't accept my opinion. I'd be telling her to take hike. See different people different standard/opinion.

Waiting a year? Really. Never known anyone to wait that long before.

OP, the guy is full of b*lsh*t. If he loves you as he says and wants you in his future, why is he deliberately keeping you from these special events in his friends' lives.

Sunflower 27

zeffabelli wrote: »

Be careful of shoulds.

The shadow of the ideal is exactly how things get ruined.

There are no shoulds.

I think most people would agree that in a relationship you should not feel like an outsider. That causes clear upset, as seen here.

You should not feel as if your partner is ashamed of you either.

jimd2

There is probably an innocent explanation for his failure to commit fully but it is strange. I know my now wife wold have met friends / family at least on some occasion within a month or so of meeting.

It does remind me a little of this radio call I heard a few years ago......

http://www.guzer.com/animations/radio_station_roses.php

Sunflower 27

Oh, OP, don't mind the comment about being clingy. You said yourself you put it in a 'I'd like to meet your friends way'. That is not clingy at all. That shows you see a future in the relationship with him and want to be involved in his life. He should have been flattered.

I remember when I mentioned it to my partner, he organised a trip to Dublin, where most of his friends live and we all had a night out!

If you can't ask for what you like in a relationship, why then even be in one?

Emme

OP, I know you've spoken to some of his friends on the phone but are your sure things are really finished between him and his ex-girlfriend? You said that you knew this guy as a friend first. Do they still think you are just a friend or has he told them you are his girlfriend now?

Have you stayed in his house and met his housemates or has he just stayed at yours? If you haven't stayed at his house it is very strange. He may well be hiding something.

You are not being clingy. You know this guy 9 months and you haven't met any of his friends or family. In my opinion that is weird. Fair enough if he doesn't want to introduce his child yet but he should have introduced you to some of his circle by now.

I think it's a bit of a cheek him wanting to stay at yours for his mates wedding and then go without you. If I were you I'd go away that weekend and let him pay for a B&B. Or tell them one of your children is sick and you'd rather not have anyone staying. Has he met your children? If so it's all very one sided.

Maybe you should take a break from him. If you're unhappy about your weight join Slimmers World, get fitter and get some more self-confidence. There is no reason to stay with somebody who isn't treating with proper respect and is hiding you away.

My advice is take a break from him for a short while if not for good.

The actions of your bf are reminding me of the book "He's Just Not That Into You".

Payton

OP you've known this guy for roughly a year now and you still haven't met his family or friends to me these are red flags. He can chat away to as many people he wishes on whatever source but he's not playing fair here.
Call him up and tell him next weekend you'll be down to see him and gauge his response. From what you have posted he's stringing you along for his own purpose. Really is it worth all the hassle that HE is putting you through?

Wabbit Ears

TBH I don't see how the OP is really getting anything out of this relationship.

regardless of amount of time with a person people bring their partners to weddings. Not doing so once, barely forgiveable, twice GTFO, three or more, why not just beat the fcuk out of yourself with a rejection stick.

Never meeting any family or friends? Sorry, again just weird. It's gone way beyond a passing thought into active exclusion.

Not allowed meet his kid? Get a life man. Meeting dad's girlfriend is not a life altering event. It's not even a thing. It's pure projection of his insecurities onto a kid. The kid doesn't care or even really understand any of the complexities of adult relationships. And those that say about not lying to kids, WTF? We lie to kids all the time about so many things. Toothfaries, santa, why they have to goto bed, why mammys vodka bottle has a leak.

OP do yourself a favour, tell this guy to fcukoff and find someone who is capable of a normal relationship where you are actually part of his casual day to day life.

zeffabelli

Sunflower 27 wrote: »

I think most people would agree that in a relationship you should not feel like an outsider. That causes clear upset, as seen here.

You should not feel as if your partner is ashamed of you either.

Yeah see I don't make assessments based on the standards of most people, one because I am not most people, and two because these are standards I did not consent to, and three it's impossible to understand other people's relationships.

Nor do I make assessments based on the normative a or events of my life, as I am not the measure of all things either.

I can however provide other ways of looking at things and explains the possibilities of motive.

What does this mean..." You should not feel like an outsider." It's a completely appropriate response if she is de facto an outsider, but some people do like to keep things very private, what matters is how OP interprets it and whether she wants more and likes things another way.

Sunflower 27

zeffabelli wrote: »

Yeah see I don't make assessments based on the standards of most people, one because I am not most people, and two because these are standards I did not consent to, and three it's impossible to understand other people's relationships.

Nor do I make assessments based on the normative a or events of my life, as I am not the measure of all things either.

I can however provide other ways of looking at things and explains the possibilities of motive.

What does this mean..." You should not feel like an outsider." It's a completely appropriate response if she is de facto an outsider, but some people do like to keep things very private, what matters is how OP interprets it and whether she wants more and likes things another way.

This is all a little convoluted, but I think I get what you are trying to say. Of course we are all different, but I don't know of anyone that would choose to stay in a relationship that make them feel bad about themselves.

Of course there are 'shoulds' in relationships. You should feel good in them, they should enhance your life, not make you feel bad.

Add to this: You should be treated with respect, valued and made to feel loved.

Of course the OP is an outsider. That is what you are when you are on the outside looking in at something you are being excluded from. And she is clearly being excluded.

LegacyUser

Op again thanks so much everyone for your help. Sunflower 27 especially you are so kind.

To answer as many questions as I can-

amdublin- yea he has met some of my friends generally organised by me to meet or call in. He has met my child as our time together has to be midweek and of course my child is at home for school etc. His weekends off are all with his child and we don't spend weekends together, I don't mind that as the children come first.

Emme- Yes I am sure they are finished, the only way I think his ex could be involved is if he's scared of her finding out he has moved on and causing problems with the child.

Payton- if I wanted to go to his house there would be no problem it's very clear I'm welcome anytime!

His reasoning is that his friends don't tend to meet up often and there's no nights out he could bring me to where I could meet people. Its true he rarely goes out and it's mainly to "events" like weddings.
He says none of his friends would invite someone to a wedding they don't know and I do understand that but I don't understand why in all this time he hasn't arranged anything even though he knows I feel excluded and as if he's ashamed of me.

I'm so confused because on one hand what he says makes sense that he doesn't go out but on the other it's normal to want your friends and girlfriend to interact.....it's so hard to know what to do!

zoobizoo

Ophere wrote: »

He says none of his friends would invite someone to a wedding they don't know and I do understand that but I don't understand why in all this time he hasn't arranged anything even though he knows I feel excluded and as if he's ashamed of me.

These are men in their 30s! I have been often asked, while single, if I wanted to bring a plus 1 by my friends. If I was single, I would refuse.

If I was seeing someone seriously, and thought it was going somewhere, I would expect an invite for my partner. If I didn't get an invite for her, I'd ask.

I've been to many weddings of my gf's friends whom I do not know. This sounds so fishy to me.

What it sounds like is he wants to have fun with his friends, see who he can meet at the wedding and make sure that you are so out of the picture that no one will think "sure doesn't he have a girlfriend".

retro:electro

Op one or two invites to a wedding without a plus one may not raise much suspicion, several would. He has been seeing you for nearly a year now, there is no excuse for him not to have a plus one on his invite, maybe he does but he's just telling you he doesn't. I don't why anyone would purposefully leave out a good friend's partner in a wedding invite regardless of knowing them or not; weddings are one of the best if not the best place to meet people like that. Something doesn't make sense here, and if it doesn't make sense then it isn't true.

I hope you're not offended by me saying that you seem very naive. Yes youre questioning his behaviour and that's good but at the same time you're also excusing it and almost defending it. You should be with someone who is dying to show you off. The child thing is just a handy excuse tbh, I don't buy it, not at this late stage. I don't know how your self confidence isn't shot. I'd be giving him the highland fling if I were you.

Sunflower 27

The fact he isn't even being offered a 'plus 1' highlights the fact his friends don't consider him in a relationship.

Have you been to his place before? I know you said he said you are welcome any time, but have you ever gone? Sounds like this is an offer he made thinking you will never take him up on it because he says he lives in a house share.

Emme

Ophere wrote: »

Op again thanks so much everyone for your help. Sunflower 27 especially you are so kind.

To answer as many questions as I can-

amdublin- yea he has met some of my friends generally organised by me to meet or call in. He has met my child as our time together has to be midweek and of course my child is at home for school etc. His weekends off are all with his child and we don't spend weekends together, I don't mind that as the children come first.

Emme- Yes I am sure they are finished, the only way I think his ex could be involved is if he's scared of her finding out he has moved on and causing problems with the child.

Payton- if I wanted to go to his house there would be no problem it's very clear I'm welcome anytime!

His reasoning is that his friends don't tend to meet up often and there's no nights out he could bring me to where I could meet people. Its true he rarely goes out and it's mainly to "events" like weddings.
He says none of his friends would invite someone to a wedding they don't know and I do understand that but I don't understand why in all this time he hasn't arranged anything even though he knows I feel excluded and as if he's ashamed of me.

I'm so confused because on one hand what he says makes sense that he doesn't go out but on the other it's normal to want your friends and girlfriend to interact.....it's so hard to know what to do!

OP:

You don't spend weekends with this man

He has met some of your friends but you have met none of his

He only goes out to weddings and his friends wouldn't invite someone to a wedding they wouldn't know.

I have never been invited to a wedding on my own even when I've been single. It's always been "Emme and friend". This might not be the case for everyone.

Fair enough if he spends the weekends with his child but when he's not returning the favor and introducing you to his friends it seems strange. Like he's hiding something. If he's going to the weddings on his own it's like he's hanging on to you until he can find someone better (or so he thinks). Staying at your place and going to the wedding on his own is the ultimate in disrespect. Whatever you do, do not allow him to stay at your place and go to the wedding without you!

For your own sake OP pull back from this relationship, spend some time on yourself getting fit and losing some weight if that's what you want. He is not playing fair and you deserve to be with someone who is willing to introduce you to his circle. You are selling yourself short with this man.

Augme

listermint wrote: »

Sorry I'd see that as a bit weird. If I saw a future with a person and they were my "girlfriend" so to speak a wedding is a perfect opportunity to introduce them to my closest circle of friends. Not bringing them for some superfluous reason that they didn't know anyone is off the wall. The whole point of bringing them is to equate them with the crew.

At a wedding with my best friends I want to enjoy it and hang out with my friends. Otherwise I'd have to spent most of the night with the girlfriend or else spend the time worrying about leaving her on her own which would lessen the experience for me.

Augme

AndyBoBandy wrote: »

How then would she ever get to know anyone/any of your friends? What about the next wedding down the line? Everybody has to meet someone for the first time! I guess not wanting to bring a gf along to a wedding to meet your family/friends is just some sort of self admission that it's not going to last in your mind.

You make it sound as if meeting the friends at a wedding is the only way to do it or that most people meet their partners friends through a wedding. I think that very rarely happens. Most people meet the friends at other social occasions.

daisybelle2008

OP, you're concerned because your gut instinct is something is off. It is.
Irish wedding invites are not single invites sent on the basis of 'not knowing' the plus 1. You get a plus one if you have a partner. Getting involved with friends, family and social occasions is normal if you are serious about someone. Put it this way, ask people who are in happy relationships how they started out. It wasn't like this. No one in a good relationship was kept on the back burner socially as long as you are. People are making excuses, but how many happy, long term relationships started how you describe. In my experience the keepers (men and women) are dying to wheel you out at every opportunity.

Wabbit Ears

Augme wrote: »

At a wedding with my best friends I want to enjoy it and hang out with my friends. Otherwise I'd have to spent most of the night with the girlfriend or else spend the time worrying about leaving her on her own which would lessen the experience for me.

You dress it up as a 'I wanna have fun' but the underlying sentiment is selfish, sad, lonely and depressing.

Augme

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

You dress it up as a 'I wanna have fun' but the underlying sentiment is selfish, sad, lonely and depressing.

I have no idea how it's selfish, sad, lonely or depressing.

Flippyfloppy

Augme wrote: »

You make it sound as if meeting the friends at a wedding is the only way to do it or that most people meet their partners friends through a wedding. I think that very rarely happens. Most people meet the friends at other social occasions.

The point the op made in regard to these weddings is the guy she's seeing said he and his friends don't go out, and according to him, that means there's never an opportunity to meet his circle. Yet when there is an opportunity, like a wedding (of which there's been several) op isn't invited.

freshpopcorn

Op. I'm sorry if I came across harsh in my other posts.
It's up to you what you want to do now. You've been given plenty of options and opinions.
One thing though. If you weight does bother you. You might try and do something about it. You might just try and eat healthier/exercise more or try and best yourself a target of dropping a dress size for an up coming event or Christmas.