Wedding presents...who did and who didn't!

tony glenn

Well, it's all done and dusted and we had a great day. Looking back, the RSVPs were a real eye-opener, some did, some didn't, some were prompt, some were very late. Some needed reminding, some assumed we knew they'd be there. So please! Make the effort! Answer day or evening invites promptly, help stop the bride-to-be from stressing.
One final question....now the cards, envelopes and gift boxes have been opened, we're amazed how kind so many guests were...but surprised that some didn't bother with even a card! It was great to see them there, but a few were long-term friends and it's a real shock that they didn't even give us a card.
We've seen some of these guests since, and they have told us what a great day they had, and thanked us profusely, but only one mention of 'we'll drop in a card later'.
Has anyone else experienced this situation? Is a simple wedding card from a guest expecting too much these days?

hdowney

I think you'll get a lot of answers of it being wrong to expect anything off people who paid money to attend your big day. I do understand that. However you can buy cards for as little as 50p/€1 and I am quite stymied as to why, considering this, anyone would show up to a wedding/any sort of celebration without a card. Present, no. Would never expect. Different people, different finances etc. But a card. If you managed to go to the wedding, possibly bought a new outfit (which isn't necessary imho. Just a want from the attendee) but didn't pay a Euro for a card.....

lazygal

We had non gift givers. And non card givers. And we were surprised by who they were. We're married over four years and some of our siblings who didn't even give us a card still keep mentioning they haven't forgotten about us. I will snap some day and tell them to cut the crap.

Just send them all a Thank You card. Thanking them for sharing your day and for their generous gift!

Wabbit Ears

Some folk give presents, some give cards, some give both, some give nothing. Each to their own. The fact that's people came to see you get married is all that's Important.

OP is reading WAYYY to much into the social nicety of card giving.

Liam McPoyle

lazygal wrote: »

We had non gift givers. And non card givers. And we were surprised by who they were. We're married over four years and some of our siblings who didn't even give us a card still keep mentioning they haven't forgotten about us. I will snap some day and tell them to cut the crap.

Ha ha ha, snap. We were going through our list earlier and there are a couple of people we didnt get anything from as in not even a card, a couple of them we are VERY surprised at tbh but sure its no skin off our noses, at the end of the day they were asked because we wanted them to share the day, not for a present, if we just wanted gifts from people we would have asked a helluva lot more folk than we did!

eviltwin

We didn't get any gifts but everyone gave a card most with a lovely message inside. One of my friends had them put in a scrapbook when we were on honeymoon and it was a lovely thing to come back to. I love personal things like cards but didn't expect them. A face to face thank you is enough.

Milly33

If it was a man not given a card I wouldn't be too surprised but couples I would be like mmm why not.. Or if they were invited to the afters, I know when I was young I didn't bring a gift or card to the afters but then it would have been family weddings so I would have been put on the main family card...

rsvps drive me nuts so annoying chasing people it takes two seconds to fill it out yes or no that's it...

jon1981

Cards do go missing btw. I remember a friend mentioned that they were busy sending out thank you cards one night, I said oh I haven't got mine yet, she said well we only sent them to people that gave us a card, I said again, where's mine joking, she said she didn't get it and she was surprised although I gave it to the grooms brother....

CaraMay

I think, given the expense associated with going to weddings, that showing up should be enough. The guests are still probably more than €250 down by just shoeing up and standing in the venue.

Addle

CaraMay wrote:

I think, given the expense associated with going to weddings, that showing up should be enough. The guests are still probably more than €250 down by just shoeing up and standing in the venue.

I agree. I can't understand why hosts have such expectations of invited guests.

And I really don't believe the people who say they'd be happy with just a card. You're not happy enough with people's verbal good wishes and the effort of their attendance, you want a card too???
You expect gifts and are disappointed when you don't get them. Just be honest and admit it.

bee06

jon1981 wrote: »

Cards do go missing btw. I remember a friend mentioned that they were busy sending out thank you cards one night, I said oh I haven't got mine yet, she said well we only sent them to people that gave us a card, I said again, where's mine joking, she said she didn't get it and she was surprised although I gave it to the grooms brother....

Yeah, I was worried that happened at my wedding. A couple and their three adult children were there and we didn't get a card so it did cross my mind that they all have their cards to someone and they went on the missing list. Still sent everyone thank you cards regardless of whether they gave a card or not.

prettyrestless

If I couldn't afford a gift I probably wouldn't give a card as I would have thought that it would look worse giving an empty card than no card at all.

littlemisshobo

Guests get plenty of notice about a wedding so you know it's coming up and to set aside a small amount for it. If times are hard then a nice homeware gift can be picked up in a sale or in TKMAXX/Dunnes or whatever for €20-€40. There is NO need to splash out on clothes or booze. Everyone has something in their wardrobe that would do and if not then there are plenty of places that have slacks and a shirt and a dress for less. If you really don't have money for a gift then buy a card. If you have a car you can just not drink and drive home afterwards if it't not too far a distance. Otherwise book accommodation in advance or find a nice B&B nearby.

I've read so many negative posts from people that imply the bride & groom should be grateful you attend - get over yourselves! If that's how you feel about the people who want to share such a special day with you then save them them the money and RSVP that you can not attend.

The money spent on most weddings in Ireland is shocking. An average of €19,000 with some couples spending up to €40,000. But there really is no need for this and more people should focus on a day that can be fun and stress free for everyone. Aim to have a range of accommodation available to suit different budgets and a location that is central to most guests.

CaraMay

I Assume that's a joke little miss. It's not an honour to attend someones day is an honour that people make the effort to show up for your (normally boring) wedding.

Addle

littlemisshobo wrote: »

Guests get plenty of notice about a wedding so you know it's coming up and to set aside a small amount for it.

Get real. Guests have a lot more going on in their lives than saving up money and precious annual leave for other people's parties.
Eg. I have a colleague, a mother of multiple children, who happens to have 5 weddings that fall on work days this year. If she goes to them all, she'll use 1/4 of her annual leave and she'll have no right break for herself and her family this summer, and runs the risk of having to take ill-afforded non paid leave from work if any of her children are ill and can't go to school/crèche.
If she doesn't go, then those that invited her get the hump.

littlemisshobo wrote: »

get over yourselves!

Same could be applied to brides and grooms!

littlemisshobo

It's nice to be asked, it's nice to make the effort and show up and it's nice for everyone to have a fun day together. Otherwise everyone is missing the point. I don't see a need for any honour felt either way...

I've never been to a boring wedding and I have honestly always been delighted to asked and enjoyed myself. And actually there have been times when I did feel like wow that was nice of them to ask me. Maybe I just haven't been to enough weddings for the buzz to wear off.

But I'm glad I see it for what the day is. I think some of should just stop going to weddings you feel so put out by!

Ruby31

littlemisshobo wrote: »

Guests get plenty of notice about a wedding so you know it's coming up and to set aside a small amount for it. If times are hard then a nice homeware gift can be picked up in a sale or in TKMAXX/Dunnes or whatever for €20-€40. There is NO need to splash out on clothes or booze. Everyone has something in their wardrobe that would do and if not then there are plenty of places that have slacks and a shirt and a dress for less. If you really don't have money for a gift then buy a card. If you have a car you can just not drink and drive home afterwards if it't not too far a distance. Otherwise book accommodation in advance or find a nice B&B nearby.

I've read so many negative posts from people that imply the bride & groom should be grateful you attend - get over yourselves! If that's how you feel about the people who want to share such a special day with you then save them them the money and RSVP that you can not attend.

The money spent on most weddings in Ireland is shocking. An average of €19,000 with some couples spending up to €40,000. But there really is no need for this and more people should focus on a day that can be fun and stress free for everyone. Aim to have a range of accommodation available to suit different budgets and a location that is central to most guests.

I agree with you Littlemisshobo. We had a very small wedding & kept it local to suit our guests. I couldn't believe that out of all our guests, my sister (who I'm very close to) and her parter gave us nothing at all. Not even a small token gift. Our other sister got married last year and they gave her €200. Why did we get nothing at all? I'm really hurt about it. It's hard not to compare when we are all sisters. My mum thought it was odd too and is embarrassed for her. She's gone to colleagues weddings in the past and given them gifts!

2Mad2BeMad

Personally
I can't give someone a card without a gift

I don't mind if someone gives me a card without anything in it or a gift, but me giving out a card on its own, feels so wrong :L

Like at christmas
everyone is giving me a card (no money or gifts or anything)
and I always give a card back with a few scratch cards in it, I can't give a card with nothing.
I feel like the other person will think I am a stingy bastard

littlemisshobo

If things have changed financially recently maybe that had something to do it with? But that's a weird one. Of course it hurts when it's family too and you put so much into the day that people can enjoy. Could your mom ask her in a subtle way in case a card did go amiss?

Ruby31

littlemisshobo wrote: »

If things have changed financially recently maybe that had something to do it with? But that's a weird one. Of course it hurts when it's family too and you put so much into the day that people can enjoy. Could your mom ask her in a subtle way in case a card did go amiss?

Sorry I should have mentioned we did get a card with 'present to follow!' written at the end. My mum wouldn't know what to say to her and I don't blame her for not wanting to get involved. I feel petty for being annoyed about it, but it makes me feel weird about our relationship now.

littlemisshobo

Oh well has it been long since the wedding? Maybe things are tight for them and they are just waiting until they can gave something they have in mind or feel comfortable giving. I'd wait and if it nothing materialises well then what can you do only forget about it really? shit buzz though!!

Diamond Doll

Business Cat wrote: »

Ha ha ha, snap. We were going through our list earlier and there are a couple of people we didnt get anything from as in not even a card, a couple of them we are VERY surprised at tbh but sure its no skin off our noses, at the end of the day they were asked because we wanted them to share the day, not for a present, if we just wanted gifts from people we would have asked a helluva lot more folk than we did!

In fairness though you only got married a few days ago, I think the official wedding "etiquette" for sending gifts/cards is something like up to three months after the wedding.

I know I personally would never give the gift on the day, I'd give it before or (more likely) shortly after the wedding.

Addle

This little piggy wrote: »

In fairness though you only got married a few days ago, I think the official wedding "etiquette" for sending gifts/cards is something like up to three months after the wedding.

I know I personally would never give the gift on the day, I'd give it before or (more likely) shortly after the wedding.

I thought 'etiquette' was up to 1 year?

Diamond Doll

Addle wrote: »

I thought 'etiquette' was up to 1 year?

I think that's for sending thank you cards ... Could be wrong though!

CaraMay

Up to the first anniversary for gifts

tony glenn

Thanks all for the varied and interesting replies! When we look back, we had a great weekend, and that's all that really matters........

Milly33

well said littlemiss.... It is the thought that counts it could be anything just a token it will never go appreciated.. even thinking there I was worried about a gift for a friend who had a baby recently as we don't have any spare money this month and I thought dya know ill make something just a good wish for them and the baby and I know they will appreciate it...

dudara

I always mean to get a card but I so often forget to do so. I still have to get a card for my cousin who got married several months ago. It's definitely not intentional, I'm just terrible at remembering.

Sligo1

What I find hilarious to read here is when a bride/groom come on and post that they are surprised that didn't recieve a card from a guest (not present a card) to say congrats or whatever. Then a number of posters come on to say the bride/groom need to cop on. That the guests have done so much/spent so much already blah blah blah blah. Then it is those same posters who give out about the bride/groom who don't send thank you cards for the guests attending (who didn't even give a card). I really don't see he difference. Yes guests have made a big effort to attend. But the bride and groom have also gone to a big effort saving in order to provide their guests with a great day. Often also sacrificing things so they can fund a really nice day that will hopefully provide their guests with good music, good food and good wine. Seriously, as littlemosshobo said. Get over yourselves. If it is such a chore... Don't bloody go! I love going to weddings. Gives me an excuse to get a babysitter for the night and the possobility of a rare night away with my husband. U can bet your arse is be sending at the very least a congratulation card no matter how much the weekend cost me. If anything, it's common manners.

And for those moaners coming on giving out that weddings a pain in the arse... No ones holding a gun to your head forcing you to go. If it's so boring for you then go out with your mates to a nightclub or whatever tickles your fancy that night instead.

Neyite

I've attended a wedding where the best man didn't hand over a fair few of the cards or pay the priest with money he was given from the bride and groom. I've been at weddings where some of the bridal party took cards and lost them or they got stolen, either by other guests or hotel staff. Quite a couple of those in fact. I know of a few people who sent cards in the post, with cash or a cheque enclosed, that never arrived. So it may not necessarily be your guest being a tightarse.

Milly33

Jes really.. They must have gotten pretty mad with the best man. Bit much out of people really

bleary

I know for really good friends I have been really late with a card and present. Mainly because if I don't really need to think about it I can just stick money in a card. Whereas for them I was up to a year late. I really wanted something thoughtful and that they would love. Never found it so bought a book and stuck the money in it instead.
Some people I almost started avoiding as I felt terrible they would think I wasn't giving them something.

fits

I have no idea if some people didnt give us cards or gifts and i dont care much either. The fact they came is the main thing and i hope they enjoyed themselves.

Neyite

fits wrote: »

I have no idea if some people didnt give us cards or gifts and i dont care much either. The fact they came is the main thing and i hope they enjoyed themselves.

I'd be the same, tbh. It's a gift to have all the family around and having a day out together, especially as the older generation thins out a bit. I'd be gutted if someone I really wanted to have there enjoying the day felt that the needed to turn down the invite because they were too broke to get me a gift.

CaraMay

Sligo those digs were clearly intended at me. My point is that it's a couples day and most of the couples think you are as excited about their wedding as they are. That's rarely the case. Maybe it is an excuse to get away from the kids for some but for a lot it's an expensive, conveyor belt day shock doesn't always suit.

If you expect people to dress up and arrive at a locator of your choosing on the day of your choosing then yes, they should send a thank you card, whether it not they get a gift.

Sligo1

CaraMay wrote: »

Sligo those digs were clearly intended at me. My point is that it's a couples day and most of the couples think you are as excited about their wedding as they are. That's rarely the case. Maybe it is an excuse to get away from the kids for some but for a lot it's an expensive, conveyor belt day shock doesn't always suit.

If you expect people to dress up and arrive at a locator of your choosing on the day of your choosing then yes, they should send a thank you card, whether it not they get a gift.

No no no caramay, I honestly wasn't aiming that at you. It was a general comment to explain a lot of posters seem slightly hypocritical on the wedding forum. all I was saying is that it is common manners to send a card to say congratulations. Just as it is common manners to send thank you cards to guests. Yet many many posters here don't seem to think manners goes both ways. Also, while I agree there are a lot of bride/groomzillas around there are also a lot of guests (as apparent on this forum) who think the entire world revolves around them and that there would be utter devastation from all around if they didn't show up to someone's wedding day. Newsflash... Unless you were a best friend or brother/sister etc... You really probably won't be massively missed. So if it is a chore then just don't go. And if you do go have some manners and send a card to say congrats. There really is no excuse. And I just don't buy those excuses saying guests pay enough to attend. If you have spent enough then go and make one! Brides and grooms may spend thousands upon thousands on their day.... But they are still expected to send thank you cards (as apparent on this forum). And many people get very ratty if they don't.

Don't take my comment personally caramay. It really wasn't aimed at you and sorry If you thought it was .

Sligo1

CaraMay wrote: »

If you expect people to dress up and arrive at a locator of your choosing on the day of your choosing then yes, they should send a thank you card, whether it not they get a gift.

But with this point I have to say, i gave out invites. But I didn't "expect" peiple to came. I invited them and gave them an rsvp which gave them a choice. I certainly didn't think they would be as excited as me on the day as I was the one getting married. Not them. Why would they be as excited as me? It makes no sense... Unless it was the friend of mine who copped off with the best man.... Then maybe....

But I certainly would hope people would decline the invite if they were only going out of duty and thought the day was going to be a boring monotonous waste of time.

CaraMay

I don't think guests would believe that the couple would be devestated if they don't show up but you do need to come up with a pretty good excuse otherwise if often alters the friendship.

Anyway we both agree that everyone should send a card

Flippyfloppy

Im really in agreement with the sentiment of thank you cards, however what if instead you personally thank each guest after the wedding in person? I felt thank you cards were a bit formal and Made sure to thank each guest for coming on the day, and again afterwards & thanked them personally for their gift whatever it was when I saw them. Would thank you cards really be necessary after this?

Sligo1

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

Im really in agreement with the sentiment of thank you cards, however what if instead you personally thank each guest after the wedding in person? I felt thank you cards were a bit formal and Made sure to thank each guest for coming on the day, and again afterwards & thanked them personally for their gift whatever it was when I saw them. Would thank you cards really be necessary after this?

I thanked people personally and also sent thank you cards. However, if it were me as the guest and the bride/groom thanked me personally for whatever it was I gave them I think this is enough. It's a lot more personal and to know they made the effort to ring me to chat to say thank you or said it soon after the wedding I would think this even nicer than a thank you card.

Sam Kade

Judging by the title it seems that the op was more interested in what was in the card rather than just getting a card.

ronjo

One thing I really dont get is that if you are planning on giving a gift why on earth would you wait (Up to a year!!!) to give it?

If I was giving cash I would certainly give it on the day.... If a gift then drop it up to their house in the days before or the day after.... Or even to one of the parents house.
Whats with this ridiculous waiting??

Flippyfloppy

Sligo1 wrote: »

I thanked people personally and also sent thank you cards. However, if it were me as the guest and the bride/groom thanked me personally for whatever it was I gave them I think this is enough. It's a lot more personal and to know they made the effort to ring me to chat to say thank you or said it soon after the wedding I would think this even nicer than a thank you card.

I hope our thank yous were enough! We had around 100 guests so we were able to thank each personally. Jeez even to this day I still thank them for coming when they mention the day!

Addle

ronjo wrote:

Whats with this ridiculous waiting??

I sometimes have to wait until it's affordable.

A lot of bride and grooms whine about refusals too.

ronjo

Addle wrote: »

I sometimes have to wait until it's affordable.

A lot of bride and grooms whine about refusals too.

If I felt someone needed to wait to save to give me a present I really wouldnt want them doing that as they obviously have more important things to spend their money on than me.

hdowney

Addle wrote:

A lot of bride and grooms whine about refusals too.

Those that whine about refusals really didn't want/care if you attended. They wanted the gift they expected you attending would bring and are pissed they won't be getting it. You can bet your bottom dollar if you said sorry I can't attend but here have this gift/cash anyway they wouldn't be whining about your lack of attendance.

Sunny Dayz

I know for our wedding one of our closest friends said to us that they would be waiting until after our wedding to get our gift. They said the reason for this was that they had something in mind for us, it was a personal thing to be specially made and they didn't want organise it and then find out that someone had gotten us something similar or the same. Made complete sense and we loved the gift (an engraved mirror with our family crests).

Tradition states you have one year and one day after the wedding to give the bride and groom a gift!

ronjo

Deleted User wrote: »

Tradition states you have one year and one day after the wedding to give the bride and groom a gift!

Perhaps it does state this but its an absolutely ridiculous tradition if you ask me.

Ok I understand from above that they wanted to wait until after the wedding for a personal gift but 1 year???

lazygal

ronjo wrote: »

Perhaps it does state this but its an absolutely ridiculous tradition if you ask me.

Ok I understand from above that they wanted to wait until after the wedding for a personal gift but 1 year???

Yeah, I think this 'tradition' is an excuse for those who don't really intend to give a gift at all more than anything. I didn't mind not getting a gift or a card. What I did mind was those who kept saying 'We haven't forgotten about you, we will get you something/drop up that card/send it on as soon as we have it organised', especially from our siblings. We know you won't get us anything, you know you won't get us anything, stop the pretence that 'it's on the way'.