Wedding presents...who did and who didn't!

tony glenn · 11-07-2015 11:20AM #1

Well, it's all done and dusted and we had a great day. Looking back, the RSVPs were a real eye-opener, some did, some didn't, some were prompt, some were very late. Some needed reminding, some assumed we knew they'd be there. So please! Make the effort! Answer day or evening invites promptly, help stop the bride-to-be from stressing.
One final question....now the cards, envelopes and gift boxes have been opened, we're amazed how kind so many guests were...but surprised that some didn't bother with even a card! It was great to see them there, but a few were long-term friends and it's a real shock that they didn't even give us a card.
We've seen some of these guests since, and they have told us what a great day they had, and thanked us profusely, but only one mention of 'we'll drop in a card later'.
Has anyone else experienced this situation? Is a simple wedding card from a guest expecting too much these days?

hdowney · 11-07-2015 11:48AM

I think you'll get a lot of answers of it being wrong to expect anything off people who paid money to attend your big day. I do understand that. However you can buy cards for as little as 50p/â‚¬1 and I am quite stymied as to why, considering this, anyone would show up to a wedding/any sort of celebration without a card. Present, no. Would never expect. Different people, different finances etc. But a card. If you managed to go to the wedding, possibly bought a new outfit (which isn't necessary imho. Just a want from the attendee) but didn't pay a Euro for a card.....

lazygal · 11-07-2015 11:48AM

We had non gift givers. And non card givers. And we were surprised by who they were. We're married over four years and some of our siblings who didn't even give us a card still keep mentioning they haven't forgotten about us. I will snap some day and tell them to cut the crap.

11-07-2015 11:50AM

Just send them all a Thank You card. Thanking them for sharing your day and for their generous gift!

Wabbit Ears · 11-07-2015 11:53AM

Some folk give presents, some give cards, some give both, some give nothing. Each to their own. The fact that's people came to see you get married is all that's Important.

OP is reading WAYYY to much into the social nicety of card giving.

Liam McPoyle · 11-07-2015 02:44PM

lazygal wrote: »

We had non gift givers. And non card givers. And we were surprised by who they were. We're married over four years and some of our siblings who didn't even give us a card still keep mentioning they haven't forgotten about us. I will snap some day and tell them to cut the crap.

Ha ha ha, snap. We were going through our list earlier and there are a couple of people we didnt get anything from as in not even a card, a couple of them we are VERY surprised at tbh but sure its no skin off our noses, at the end of the day they were asked because we wanted them to share the day, not for a present, if we just wanted gifts from people we would have asked a helluva lot more folk than we did!

eviltwin · 11-07-2015 02:51PM

We didn't get any gifts but everyone gave a card most with a lovely message inside. One of my friends had them put in a scrapbook when we were on honeymoon and it was a lovely thing to come back to. I love personal things like cards but didn't expect them. A face to face thank you is enough.

Milly33 · 11-07-2015 05:48PM

If it was a man not given a card I wouldn't be too surprised but couples I would be like mmm why not.. Or if they were invited to the afters, I know when I was young I didn't bring a gift or card to the afters but then it would have been family weddings so I would have been put on the main family card...

rsvps drive me nuts so annoying chasing people it takes two seconds to fill it out yes or no that's it...

jon1981 · 11-07-2015 05:52PM

Cards do go missing btw. I remember a friend mentioned that they were busy sending out thank you cards one night, I said oh I haven't got mine yet, she said well we only sent them to people that gave us a card, I said again, where's mine joking, she said she didn't get it and she was surprised although I gave it to the grooms brother....

CaraMay · 11-07-2015 06:44PM

I think, given the expense associated with going to weddings, that showing up should be enough. The guests are still probably more than €250 down by just shoeing up and standing in the venue.

Addle · 11-07-2015 07:00PM

CaraMay wrote:

I think, given the expense associated with going to weddings, that showing up should be enough. The guests are still probably more than €250 down by just shoeing up and standing in the venue.

I agree. I can't understand why hosts have such expectations of invited guests.

And I really don't believe the people who say they'd be happy with just a card. You're not happy enough with people's verbal good wishes and the effort of their attendance, you want a card too???
You expect gifts and are disappointed when you don't get them. Just be honest and admit it.

bee06 · 11-07-2015 07:04PM

jon1981 wrote: »

Cards do go missing btw. I remember a friend mentioned that they were busy sending out thank you cards one night, I said oh I haven't got mine yet, she said well we only sent them to people that gave us a card, I said again, where's mine joking, she said she didn't get it and she was surprised although I gave it to the grooms brother....

Yeah, I was worried that happened at my wedding. A couple and their three adult children were there and we didn't get a card so it did cross my mind that they all have their cards to someone and they went on the missing list. Still sent everyone thank you cards regardless of whether they gave a card or not.

prettyrestless · 11-07-2015 07:10PM

If I couldn't afford a gift I probably wouldn't give a card as I would have thought that it would look worse giving an empty card than no card at all.

littlemisshobo · 11-07-2015 08:26PM

Guests get plenty of notice about a wedding so you know it's coming up and to set aside a small amount for it. If times are hard then a nice homeware gift can be picked up in a sale or in TKMAXX/Dunnes or whatever for €20-€40. There is NO need to splash out on clothes or booze. Everyone has something in their wardrobe that would do and if not then there are plenty of places that have slacks and a shirt and a dress for less. If you really don't have money for a gift then buy a card. If you have a car you can just not drink and drive home afterwards if it't not too far a distance. Otherwise book accommodation in advance or find a nice B&B nearby.

I've read so many negative posts from people that imply the bride & groom should be grateful you attend - get over yourselves! If that's how you feel about the people who want to share such a special day with you then save them them the money and RSVP that you can not attend.

The money spent on most weddings in Ireland is shocking. An average of €19,000 with some couples spending up to €40,000. But there really is no need for this and more people should focus on a day that can be fun and stress free for everyone. Aim to have a range of accommodation available to suit different budgets and a location that is central to most guests.

CaraMay · 11-07-2015 08:42PM

I Assume that's a joke little miss. It's not an honour to attend someones day is an honour that people make the effort to show up for your (normally boring) wedding.

Addle · 11-07-2015 08:48PM

littlemisshobo wrote: »

Guests get plenty of notice about a wedding so you know it's coming up and to set aside a small amount for it.

Get real. Guests have a lot more going on in their lives than saving up money and precious annual leave for other people's parties.
Eg. I have a colleague, a mother of multiple children, who happens to have 5 weddings that fall on work days this year. If she goes to them all, she'll use 1/4 of her annual leave and she'll have no right break for herself and her family this summer, and runs the risk of having to take ill-afforded non paid leave from work if any of her children are ill and can't go to school/crèche.
If she doesn't go, then those that invited her get the hump.

littlemisshobo wrote: »

get over yourselves!

Same could be applied to brides and grooms!

littlemisshobo · 11-07-2015 08:49PM

It's nice to be asked, it's nice to make the effort and show up and it's nice for everyone to have a fun day together. Otherwise everyone is missing the point. I don't see a need for any honour felt either way...

I've never been to a boring wedding and I have honestly always been delighted to asked and enjoyed myself. And actually there have been times when I did feel like wow that was nice of them to ask me. Maybe I just haven't been to enough weddings for the buzz to wear off.

But I'm glad I see it for what the day is. I think some of should just stop going to weddings you feel so put out by!

Ruby31 · 11-07-2015 09:01PM

littlemisshobo wrote: »

Guests get plenty of notice about a wedding so you know it's coming up and to set aside a small amount for it. If times are hard then a nice homeware gift can be picked up in a sale or in TKMAXX/Dunnes or whatever for €20-€40. There is NO need to splash out on clothes or booze. Everyone has something in their wardrobe that would do and if not then there are plenty of places that have slacks and a shirt and a dress for less. If you really don't have money for a gift then buy a card. If you have a car you can just not drink and drive home afterwards if it't not too far a distance. Otherwise book accommodation in advance or find a nice B&B nearby.

I've read so many negative posts from people that imply the bride & groom should be grateful you attend - get over yourselves! If that's how you feel about the people who want to share such a special day with you then save them them the money and RSVP that you can not attend.

The money spent on most weddings in Ireland is shocking. An average of €19,000 with some couples spending up to €40,000. But there really is no need for this and more people should focus on a day that can be fun and stress free for everyone. Aim to have a range of accommodation available to suit different budgets and a location that is central to most guests.

I agree with you Littlemisshobo. We had a very small wedding & kept it local to suit our guests. I couldn't believe that out of all our guests, my sister (who I'm very close to) and her parter gave us nothing at all. Not even a small token gift. Our other sister got married last year and they gave her €200. Why did we get nothing at all? I'm really hurt about it. It's hard not to compare when we are all sisters. My mum thought it was odd too and is embarrassed for her. She's gone to colleagues weddings in the past and given them gifts!

2Mad2BeMad · 11-07-2015 09:05PM

Personally
I can't give someone a card without a gift

I don't mind if someone gives me a card without anything in it or a gift, but me giving out a card on its own, feels so wrong :L

Like at christmas
everyone is giving me a card (no money or gifts or anything)
and I always give a card back with a few scratch cards in it, I can't give a card with nothing.
I feel like the other person will think I am a stingy bastard

littlemisshobo · 11-07-2015 09:06PM

If things have changed financially recently maybe that had something to do it with? But that's a weird one. Of course it hurts when it's family too and you put so much into the day that people can enjoy. Could your mom ask her in a subtle way in case a card did go amiss?

Ruby31 · 11-07-2015 09:40PM

littlemisshobo wrote: »

If things have changed financially recently maybe that had something to do it with? But that's a weird one. Of course it hurts when it's family too and you put so much into the day that people can enjoy. Could your mom ask her in a subtle way in case a card did go amiss?

Sorry I should have mentioned we did get a card with 'present to follow!' written at the end. My mum wouldn't know what to say to her and I don't blame her for not wanting to get involved. I feel petty for being annoyed about it, but it makes me feel weird about our relationship now.

littlemisshobo · 11-07-2015 09:46PM

Oh well has it been long since the wedding? Maybe things are tight for them and they are just waiting until they can gave something they have in mind or feel comfortable giving. I'd wait and if it nothing materialises well then what can you do only forget about it really? shit buzz though!!

Diamond Doll · 12-07-2015 11:58AM

Business Cat wrote: »

Ha ha ha, snap. We were going through our list earlier and there are a couple of people we didnt get anything from as in not even a card, a couple of them we are VERY surprised at tbh but sure its no skin off our noses, at the end of the day they were asked because we wanted them to share the day, not for a present, if we just wanted gifts from people we would have asked a helluva lot more folk than we did!

In fairness though you only got married a few days ago, I think the official wedding "etiquette" for sending gifts/cards is something like up to three months after the wedding.

I know I personally would never give the gift on the day, I'd give it before or (more likely) shortly after the wedding.

Addle · 12-07-2015 12:12PM

This little piggy wrote: »

In fairness though you only got married a few days ago, I think the official wedding "etiquette" for sending gifts/cards is something like up to three months after the wedding.

I know I personally would never give the gift on the day, I'd give it before or (more likely) shortly after the wedding.

I thought 'etiquette' was up to 1 year?

Diamond Doll · 12-07-2015 12:28PM

Addle wrote: »

I thought 'etiquette' was up to 1 year?

I think that's for sending thank you cards ... Could be wrong though!

CaraMay · 12-07-2015 12:29PM

Up to the first anniversary for gifts

tony glenn · 12-07-2015 01:21PM

Thanks all for the varied and interesting replies! When we look back, we had a great weekend, and that's all that really matters........

Milly33 · 12-07-2015 02:12PM

well said littlemiss.... It is the thought that counts it could be anything just a token it will never go appreciated.. even thinking there I was worried about a gift for a friend who had a baby recently as we don't have any spare money this month and I thought dya know ill make something just a good wish for them and the baby and I know they will appreciate it...

dudara · 12-07-2015 06:11PM

I always mean to get a card but I so often forget to do so. I still have to get a card for my cousin who got married several months ago. It's definitely not intentional, I'm just terrible at remembering.

Sligo1 · 12-07-2015 07:10PM

What I find hilarious to read here is when a bride/groom come on and post that they are surprised that didn't recieve a card from a guest (not present a card) to say congrats or whatever. Then a number of posters come on to say the bride/groom need to cop on. That the guests have done so much/spent so much already blah blah blah blah. Then it is those same posters who give out about the bride/groom who don't send thank you cards for the guests attending (who didn't even give a card). I really don't see he difference. Yes guests have made a big effort to attend. But the bride and groom have also gone to a big effort saving in order to provide their guests with a great day. Often also sacrificing things so they can fund a really nice day that will hopefully provide their guests with good music, good food and good wine. Seriously, as littlemosshobo said. Get over yourselves. If it is such a chore... Don't bloody go! I love going to weddings. Gives me an excuse to get a babysitter for the night and the possobility of a rare night away with my husband. U can bet your arse is be sending at the very least a congratulation card no matter how much the weekend cost me. If anything, it's common manners.

And for those moaners coming on giving out that weddings a pain in the arse... No ones holding a gun to your head forcing you to go. If it's so boring for you then go out with your mates to a nightclub or whatever tickles your fancy that night instead.

Neyite · 13-07-2015 04:51PM

I've attended a wedding where the best man didn't hand over a fair few of the cards or pay the priest with money he was given from the bride and groom. I've been at weddings where some of the bridal party took cards and lost them or they got stolen, either by other guests or hotel staff. Quite a couple of those in fact. I know of a few people who sent cards in the post, with cash or a cheque enclosed, that never arrived. So it may not necessarily be your guest being a tightarse.

Wedding presents...who did and who didn't!

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