Is being invited to a wedding afters like an insult these days?

gutenberg

I live in England, and in my conversations with British friends they were always shocked by this idea of the 'afters', and not being invited to the whole thing. I had always thought the Brits did a similar thing to us with regards to weddings, but it's not universal it seems. I & a group of friends here got invited to the afters of a wedding, and initially they couldn't get their heads around it, and some were a bit miffed. Once they got there however and realised that it was essentially just like a night out, only with a buffet and a complimentary drink, they were only delighted. Incidentally, the bride at that wedding was Irish, so perhaps that's why she organised it like that.

Personally, I wouldn't be at all offended by an afters invite, particularly if it was someone I wasn't especially close to, like a work colleague or acquaintance. If it was my brother, or a friend I would consider myself very close to, I imagine I would be a bit hurt if I wasn't invited to the whole thing to be honest. I just see wedding afters as a night out, and sometimes a chance to catch up with some family or friends. However, I wouldn't travel abroad just to go to a wedding afters, or even anywhere particularly out of my way, but if it's (relatively) local and I know others going I'd be happy to go along.

arayess

personally I prefer the afters only
saves me a fortune and I don't spend a day sitting there listening to fools waffle

I just rock up for the good bit.

Son Of A Vidic

Cerbera wrote: »

Is being invited to a wedding afters like an insult these days?

Absolutely not. When you've been to a lot of weddings and then saw a lot of these couples separate & break up. You tend to want to avoid the bullshít and such potentially hypocritical & schmaltzy nonsense. The 'afters' avoids all that and just focuses on the party.

Ash.J.Williams

it's the bighouse thing....the prods get to go the ceremony and reception and then let the "staff" in for a dance at the end!

zl1whqvjs75cdy

Don't see the problem with inviting someone to the afters only, but don't expect a gift if thats the case.

seamus

I guess it depends.

In a lot of cases people see it as a cynical attempt to get more presents. It does depend on the couple themselves. If you know the couple don't have a lot of cash and are having a low-key wedding with a small group, then an afters invite is perfectly fine.

Or in some cases if there's a very clear dividing line. I went to an after years back where they organised a bus from town out to the hotel (and back again). Everyone on the bus was a colleague or casual friend, not family or close friends. It was very clear that this was a "people we like but not enough to bring to the ceremony" bus, and that was perfectly fine, because that's how I felt about that person too.

On the other hand if it's family and you know they're having a wedding with 80 people but for whatever reason you don't fall into that "inner circle" and get an afters invite, then I tend to be more suspicious of it.

Getting dressed up to go to some hotel in the arse end of nowhere and meet family members who are already half-pissed? Feck that. All or nothing.

anncoates

Dunno what the issue is about people at the afters being those that are not as close to the couple as the main guests, because that's exactly what they are.

Do people need a wedding invitation to realize they're not as close to two people as their family and close friends?

valoren

You're not getting fed at it?

How about having some dinner before going to the Afters ffs!

LuckyLloyd

anncoates wrote: »

Do people need a wedding invitation to realize they're not as close to two people as their family and close friends?

Apparently yes. I would have thought it was very easy to look at a list of friends / acquaintances / etc and anticipate whether:

A) they'd even invite you to their wedding;
what the nature of that invite would be;

Don't see the point in 'afters' invites tbh - you're either close enough to me that I want you there for the whole thing or you're not and I can show you the photos later! Always thought it was an odd setup.

gimmick

We only invited the people we knew wouldn't give us a good gift to the afters.

Some couples who we knew less well but know them as being generous we invited to the whole day knowing they would put a good wad into the card.

Ash.J.Williams

Afters is a country thing....two people from the same gaa club get married, they invite their friends and family to wedding...and then the locals from the pub to the afters

SpaceTime

Some people are easily insulted.

I got into a huge load of nonsense when I was a student. A female friend invited me to a wedding, I went and bought the only present on the list I could afford (had really very little money) and she sent me a sarcastic email about how much the meal had cost and how my token gift was lovely.

That was 5 years ago and I haven't spoken to her since!

Don't invite people to weddings for a profit on presents and don't get into a sulk because you're invited to afters either.

I've turned down a lot of wedding invitations after that experience. I don't enjoy them and I find them boring and expensive so I just don't go unless it's a very close friend or relative.

Your Superior

gutenberg wrote: »

I live in England, and in my conversations with British friends they were always shocked by this idea of the 'afters', and not being invited to the whole thing. I had always thought the Brits did a similar thing to us with regards to weddings, but it's not universal it seems. I & a group of friends here got invited to the afters of a wedding, and initially they couldn't get their heads around it, and some were a bit miffed. Once they got there however and realised that it was essentially just like a night out, only with a buffet and a complimentary drink, they were only delighted. Incidentally, the bride at that wedding was Irish, so perhaps that's why she organised it like that.

Personally, I wouldn't be at all offended by an afters invite, particularly if it was someone I wasn't especially close to, like a work colleague or acquaintance. If it was my brother, or a friend I would consider myself very close to, I imagine I would be a bit hurt if I wasn't invited to the whole thing to be honest. I just see wedding afters as a night out, and sometimes a chance to catch up with some family or friends. However, I wouldn't travel abroad just to go to a wedding afters, or even anywhere particularly out of my way, but if it's (relatively) local and I know others going I'd be happy to go along.

I live in England and have never known a single wedding to not have two sets of guests, one for the ceremony and meal, and one for the reception. Usually you'd have about 60-100 for the day, then another 50-100 for the reception. It's seen as pretty normal that only family and close friends go for the day, and mates etc go at night, and don't give a present.

Then again, we also don't expect all day guests to give ridiculous cash presents to cover the cost of the meal and ceremony that the couple planned. £50 is seen as more than enough, perhaps a little more from close family. If you choose to have a big wedding, you'd better pay for it yourself.

janedoe007

I hate when you arrive at an afters, that everyone already has their allocated seat , because of the hateful seating plan, so you end up standing at the bar all night. So thanks for invite, but no thanks.

gutenberg

Your Superior wrote: »

I live in England and have never known a single wedding to not have two sets of guests, one for the ceremony and meal, and one for the reception. Usually you'd have about 60-100 for the day, then another 50-100 for the reception. It's seen as pretty normal that only family and close friends go for the day, and mates etc go at night, and don't give a present.

Then again, we also don't expect all day guests to give ridiculous cash presents to cover the cost of the meal and ceremony that the couple planned. £50 is seen as more than enough, perhaps a little more from close family. If you choose to have a big wedding, you'd better pay for it yourself.

Maybe it's a regional thing then. I also associate with a lot of middle-upper class british people (courtesy of the university where I work) so it may also be a class thing. Having said that, my Italian in-laws really can't fathom the whole 'afters' thing.

And I agree that brides & grooms should be prepared for the costs of a wedding themselves, and not to expect guests to effectively cover their costs via gifts.

FrStone

I'm after getting an invite to a friends sisters afters. Now I don't know the bride that well only his brother.

Obviously I shouldn't be invited to the wedding at all. They felt an obligation to invite me.

It's a bit awkward to say the least, rocking on up after the meal etc. I'd much prefer not to have been invited, however I've been put under alot of pressure to turn up...

So I'll have to go, throw in the suit, and spend about €100 on the gift.

Penn

FrStone wrote: »

I'm after getting an invite to a friends sisters afters. Now I don't know the bride that well only his brother.

Obviously I shouldn't be invited to the wedding at all. They felt an obligation to invite me.

It's a bit awkward to say the least, rocking on up after the meal etc. I'd much prefer not to have been invited, however I've been put under alot of pressure to turn up...

So I'll have to go, throw in the suit, and spend about €100 on the gift.

Why spend €100 on the gift? People normally spend that much on gifts or just as cash to offset the cost of the wedding meal. If you're just going to the afters, f*ck that sh*t. €20 picture frame from Hallmark or something like that at best.

Samaris

I honestly don't like much of the big culture around weddings now. I get why these social wotsits happen, so everyone can have a similar set of "rules" to follow, how much to give, whether to have an afters or a ceremony, what's the protocal for smacking a bridesmaid if they need it, etc.

I would prefer gifts not to be an obligation. I'd prefer not to do a stiff and formal affair in a fancy hotel with roast lamb and having to set someone on "Make sure Uncle Jimmy stays out of the port" duty. Everyone worrying about whether their suits are suitable or their hats are straight. Inviting people you don't really care about because of familial duty. All the worry and stress and paying a huge amount for one day that would be better suited to starting married life together.

Meeh. On a totally personal level, I'd prefer a tiny wedding, and an evening barbeque, sitting around a campfire with some instruments, friends and a few drinks, chatting and singing. If people want to give gifts, they're appreciated, but I wouldn't want people worrying over it. Handmade things is just as sweet and appreciated as money, if not more so.

It's not quite TENABLE with elderly relatives and all that, but it's what -I'd- prefer to the whole standardized rigmarole.

Riskymove

seamus wrote: »

I guess it depends.


.

this is always the case


is it a small wedding with just family and friends followed by a big party?

an intimate civil ceremony followed by a big party?



or a large wedding with all your mates and family and a few extra afters invites?

has there been a decision to invite colleagues and less close friends to afters etc.?


are you expecting people to travel for afters?


all these are different situations




TBH on one point made....I certainly wouldn't expect people invited to the afters to give me €150-€200 as a gift

Samsgirl

Much prefer an afters invite.
Hate the stuffiness of the ceremony and having to wait around for the meal in the evening. Then having to sit through unfunny speeches.
Great to have your day to yourself and be able to go at night to the fun part.

Cee-Jay-Cee

I find it insulting

We live in North Donegal and were invited to the afters of a wedding in Waterford! Obviously since they wanted us to travel the entire length of the country but didn't want us at the full wedding, they didn't get a reply of any sort.

Grayson

Samaris wrote: »

Meeh. On a totally personal level, I'd prefer a tiny wedding, and an evening barbeque, sitting around a campfire with some instruments, friends and a few drinks, chatting and singing. If people want to give gifts, they're appreciated, but I wouldn't want people worrying over it. Handmade things is just as sweet and appreciated as money, if not more so.

It's not quite TENABLE with elderly relatives and all that, but it's what -I'd- prefer to the whole standardized rigmarole.

Her, me, Vegas, a pink open top Cadillac and Korean Elvis performing the ceremony in a drive-thru chapel.

It avoids all the rigmarole involved in a wedding and results in a great photo for the mantelpiece.

Herb Powell

The wedding threads always deliver on the sheer bolllocks front, and the amount of it associated with weddings.

Riskymove

Herb Powell wrote: »

The wedding threads always deliver on the sheer bolllocks front, and the amount of it associated with weddings.

you are right, it certainly seems to bring out the worst in everyone. The amount of outrage and views on presents etc is amazing at times

I've had more laughs reading the weddings forum than the ranting and raving forum

liz lemoncello

deise08 wrote: »

I had two different cousins get married last year.

The first invited my parents and my sister to the wedding. ( we then got invites to the afters the night before the wedding.)

The second invited the parents and the brother to the wedding. ( we then hot invites to the afters two weeks before the wedding.) which to me was the second round of invites after they had gotten their replies from their first set of invites.

Did you attend either of them?

(An invite to the afters the night before? :eek: )

liz lemoncello

FrStone wrote: »

I'm after getting an invite to a friends sisters afters. Now I don't know the bride that well only his brother.

Obviously I shouldn't be invited to the wedding at all. They felt an obligation to invite me.

It's a bit awkward to say the least, rocking on up after the meal etc. I'd much prefer not to have been invited, however I've been put under alot of pressure to turn up...

So I'll have to go, throw in the suit, and spend about €100 on the gift.

I don't understand why they felt obligated to invite you and why, knowing that, you feel under pressure to go? Surely if they hadn't invited you (as they don't know you well), you'd feel no pressure, win/win?

anncoates

Is it expected these days to give gifts for an afters? Sounds ridiculous.

PhoenixParker

anncoates wrote: »

Is it expected these days to give gifts for an afters? Sounds ridiculous.

No, it really isn't.
I invited two groups of people to the afters of my wedding.

My siblings friends. They showed up and danced the night away. Didn't get a card from them, never mind a gift and none was expected or wanted.

The members of a club I'm an active member of (it was easier than picking or choosing a few of them to come to the full thing. They clubbed together and got me a card & voucher for a big department store. Maybe E10 - E20 each they contributed I'd say.

Certainly not E100 in an envelope. I'd have been completely embarrassed if someone did that.

stinkle

Sometimes it's more to do with space and being on a budget more than anything else. Our venue had a max capacity so we were limited in how many we could invite. From our perspective, we originally didnt feel the need to make an "afters" list - we did ok with planning numbers and knew there'd be a few declines from people abroad and the like. It did come up in relation to parents wanting to invite some of their friends and neighbours and we agreed that they could come to that rather than the whole day - cos no way were we gonna prioritise randomers like that over our own friends. OH started a new job about 6 months before the wedding - which was long after everything was booked - and so gave a group invite to the gang he worked with.