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Dad Jokes

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124

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    #92
    pew
    Registered Users Posts: 2,237 ✭✭✭pew


    2 men walk into a bar, the third one ducks.


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    #93
    Cold War Kid
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,353 ✭✭✭Cold War Kid


    My dad's jokes are too racist to post. :o


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    #94
    kfallon
    Registered Users Posts: 25,775 ✭✭✭✭kfallon


    Cold War Kid wrote: »
    My dad's jokes are too racist to post. :o

    PM me :D


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    #95
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,827 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    LiamWalsh95 wrote: »
    "What to you call a deer with no eyes"


    "I have no ideer"
    What do you call a dead deer with no eyes ?


    Still no ideer


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    #96
    Crumpets
    Registered Users Posts: 585 ✭✭✭Crumpets


    A patient say to his doctor: "Doctor I feel like a spoon"
    Doctor says: "Don't stir"

    :o


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    #97
    Turtyturd
    Registered Users Posts: 28,395 ✭✭✭✭Turtyturd


    What do you call a fly with no wings?

    A walk.



    Do you eat Indian?

    Yeah, but I can never finish a whole one.


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    #98
    kfallon
    Registered Users Posts: 25,775 ✭✭✭✭kfallon


    Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off? It reads "Small medium at large."


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    #99
    kfallon
    Registered Users Posts: 25,775 ✭✭✭✭kfallon


    I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.


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    #100
    Turtyturd
    Registered Users Posts: 28,395 ✭✭✭✭Turtyturd


    What do you call a woman standing between two houses?

    Elaine.


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    #101
    Akrasia
    Registered Users Posts: 22,242 ✭✭✭✭Akrasia


    Candie wrote: »
    One time, my auntie came in the kitchen door and put down her bag.

    'I've just come from Weightwatchers' she says.
    'No luck then?' says dad.

    Laughed til we cried, including my aunt. :)

    My wife's mother was off getting her hair cut and her dad was saying to all the kids 'Guys, when your mother comes back just tell her you like her hair" (my wife has younger brothers)

    An hour later my mother in law returned with the worst haircut i have ever seen. My father in law opened the door and the first thing he said was
    "Jayses Mary, Have you been dragged backwards through a hedge!"

    She ddn't keep that hair style for very long :)


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    #102
    Bayberry
    Registered Users Posts: 707 ✭✭✭Bayberry


    kfallon wrote: »
    I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

    Orange soda? it's far from Orange soda we were raised!! Was fizzy orange not good enough for you? :)


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    #103
    ectoraige
    Registered Users Posts: 2,100 ✭✭✭ectoraige


    What do you call a sheep with no legs?
    A cloud.


    Child: (pointing at something) Dad, what's that?
    Dad: It's your finger. :pac:

    Used the last one myself this morning. The groaned "Da-aaad" is what it's all about.


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    #104
    Penn
    Registered Users Posts: 33,293 ✭✭✭✭Penn


    Mam: You've a hair on your nose
    Dad: Good thing it's not a rabbit

    Made me cry laughing when I was about 12. Not just because of the joke, but the combination of his pride and her groan


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    #105
    Jon_459
    Registered Users Posts: 145 ✭✭Jon_459


    A toddler swallowed a 2 Euro coin so the mother brought him to hospital.

    Dad rang later to see how he was - no change!


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    #106
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 26,052 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Akrasia wrote: »
    My wife's mother was off getting her hair cut and her dad was saying to all the kids 'Guys, when your mother comes back just tell her you like her hair" (my wife has younger brothers)

    An hour later my mother in law returned with the worst haircut i have ever seen. My father in law opened the door and the first thing he said was
    "Jayses Mary, Have you been dragged backwards through a hedge!"

    She ddn't keep that hair style for very long :)

    My poor mother come home from the hairdressers and asked my dad what he thought. Dad was never a diplomat but he outdid himself by asking her if she asked them to make her look like a toilet brush. :eek:

    He's never quite as funny as he thinks :)


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    #107
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,827 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Why do elephants have big ears ?


    Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.


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    #108
    nullzero
    Registered Users Posts: 16,407 ✭✭✭✭nullzero
    ****


    Why did the Baker have smelly hands? Because he kneaded a poo

    Glazers Out!



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    #109
    Turtle001
    Registered Users Posts: 47 ✭Turtle001


    Sheep Lover wrote: »
    "He's the best farmer around, he's out standing in his field" ..

    "Did you hear about the magic tractor?, it turned into a field"...

    I did


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    #110
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,827 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Was told by father / grandfather that the best way to catch a fish was to sprinkle salt on it's tail.


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    #111
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,827 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    My friend David had his ID stolen the other day. Now we just call him Dav


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    #112
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,827 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    http://asset-d.soup.io/asset/11907/6129_d330_500.jpeg


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    #113
    catallus
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,106 ✭✭✭catallus


    Why did the can-crusher quit his job?


    Because it was soda pressing. :(


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    #114
    Swanley
    Registered Users Posts: 75 ✭✭Swanley


    Why did the dad cross the road?


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    #115
    FizzleSticks
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,172 ✭✭✭FizzleSticks


    This post has been deleted.


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    #116
    One eyed Jack
    Registered Users Posts: 23,695 ✭✭✭✭One eyed Jack


    FizzleSticks wrote: »
    Something about a hare in a soup.

    I didn't get it but he found it hilarious.

    Laughing at your own jokes - Classic Dad joke move.


    Practicing interview techniques with my son one evening, he asked me "Where do you see yourself in five years time?"...


    "In front of a mirror" :pac:


    I nearly fell off the chair laughing, my son didn't get it :o


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    #117
    steddyeddy
    Registered Users Posts: 27,564 ✭✭✭✭steddyeddy


    I've been taking evening classes in jujitsu. I should have taken them in Dublin and saved money on the plane fair.


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    #118
    One eyed Jack
    Registered Users Posts: 23,695 ✭✭✭✭One eyed Jack


    steddyeddy wrote: »
    I've been taking evening classes in jujitsu. I should have taken them in Dublin and saved money on the plane fair.


    1,000 jobs in Jeopardy? :D


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    #119
    Bongalongherb
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,766 ✭✭✭Bongalongherb


    Son: will you be voting on the same sex referendum ?

    Dad: I don't think I'll bother my arse.


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    #120
    DrGreenthumb
    Closed Accounts Posts: 720 ✭✭✭DrGreenthumb


    What did the leper say to the prostitute,

    you can keep the tip


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    #121
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,827 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    FizzleSticks wrote: »
    This post has been deleted.
    Well it's not rabbit stew.


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