Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

Dad Jokes

Options
135

Comments

  • Options
    #62
    valoren
    Registered Users Posts: 5,458 ✭✭✭valoren


    Lifting a heavy box

    "Do you need a hand Son?"
    "Yes please"

    *claps his hands*


  • Options
    #63
    Akrasia
    Registered Users Posts: 22,275 ✭✭✭✭Akrasia


    Whats the difference between a buffalo and a Bison?
    You can't wash your hands in a buffalo



    Why didn't the ghost go to the party?
    Because he had no body to go with

    (when i told this to my kids, they felt very sad for the poor ghost and they changed the joke to 'Because he had no friends, poor ghost')


  • Options
    #64
    Akrasia
    Registered Users Posts: 22,275 ✭✭✭✭Akrasia


    I also love tormenting my children

    (3 year old daughter): Daddy, I love you

    Me: I love me too!

    (3 year old daughter): No daddy, you love meeee!

    Me: That's what I said. I love me...

    I can drag this on for ages :)


  • Options
    #65
    kylith
    Registered Users Posts: 17,736 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    griffin100 wrote: »
    He thinks he's funny, but the unfortunate thing is I now find myself telling my kids similar jokes :eek:
    First you laugh at the jokes. Then you cringe at the jokes. Then you tell the jokes.


  • Options
    #66
    LiamWalsh95
    Registered Users Posts: 32 ✭LiamWalsh95


    "What to you call a deer with no eyes"


    "I have no ideer"


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #67
    Ardent
    Registered Users Posts: 5,284 ✭✭✭Ardent


    Q. What's big, red and eats rocks?

    A. A big red rock-eater!


  • Options
    #68
    agent graves
    Registered Users Posts: 354 ✭✭agent graves


    how did the italian chef die??

    he pasta way.

    what does a duck smoke??

    qwack


  • Options
    #69
    GLaDOS
    Moderators, Regional East Moderators Posts: 23,212 Mod ✭✭✭✭GLaDOS


    My dad's favourite, which doesn't really work via text format, is:

    "Do you know what's really annoyin'?

    "A six upside down"

    (Annoyin' = a nine in a Dublin accent)

    Cake, and grief counseling, will be available at the conclusion of the test



  • Options
    #70
    Bayberry
    Registered Users Posts: 707 ✭✭✭Bayberry


    kfallon wrote: »
    When you used to stand in front of the TV as a kid:

    "I know you're a pain....but you're not a pane of glass now come out of the way!!"

    You'd make a better door than a window!


  • Options
    #71
    Duggy747
    Registered Users Posts: 13,295 ✭✭✭✭Duggy747


    Why do Leprechauns wear 2 condoms?

    To be sure, to be sure!

    Did you hear about the blind circumsizer?

    He got the sack

    Who's the leader of the hankies?

    The hankerchief!

    I took the shell off of my racing snail to see if it went any faster.

    If anything though, it just made it more sluggish.

    The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

    Talk about Dyson with death!


    :pac:


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #72
    keano_afc
    Registered Users Posts: 8,711 ✭✭✭keano_afc


    "Da, Ma says your dinner is on the table"

    "Well she better out it on a plate wha??"


  • Options
    #73
    kfallon
    Registered Users Posts: 25,775 ✭✭✭✭kfallon


    I once met a crossdresser who live in the Greater Manchester area....

    He had a Wigan address.....


  • Options
    #74
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 26,052 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Early December, any given year -

    Candies Mum: Candie, will you make the trifle this year?
    Candies Dad: Sorry, love. Come again?
    Candies Mum: I'm just asking Candie if she'll make the trifle for Christmas dessert.
    Candies Dad: Ah right, I couldn't hear you. I'm a trifle deaf! Hahahaha!

    Every.Single.Year.


  • Options
    #75
    kfallon
    Registered Users Posts: 25,775 ✭✭✭✭kfallon


    "If you don't do your homework and study you'll only grow up to be a Government artist!"
    "A wha?"
    "A Government artist, you'll be drawing the dole!"


  • Options
    #76
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 26,052 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    One time, my auntie came in the kitchen door and put down her bag.

    'I've just come from Weightwatchers' she says.
    'No luck then?' says dad.

    Laughed til we cried, including my aunt. :)


  • Options
    #77
    newport2
    Registered Users Posts: 2,583 ✭✭✭newport2


    Candie wrote: »
    One time, my auntie came in the kitchen door and put down her bag.

    'I've just come from Weightwatchers' she says.
    'No luck then?' says dad.

    Laughed til we cried, including my aunt. :)

    He's a brave man!


  • Options
    #78
    Jimmy Two Times
    Registered Users Posts: 691 ✭✭✭Jimmy Two Times


    Why did the indians bury their chief at the top of the hill ?

    Because he was dead
    .


    From my Dad to me and from me to my lads...............hope they pass it on cos it's class.


  • Options
    #79
    newport2
    Registered Users Posts: 2,583 ✭✭✭newport2


    Sheep Lover wrote: »
    "He's the best farmer around, he's out standing in his field" ..

    "Did you hear about the magic tractor?, it turned into a field"...

    "I used to love tractors son. Not any more though...."

    Takes big inhalation of smoke from pipe

    ".....now I'm just an extractor fan"


  • Options
    #80
    smash
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,809 ✭✭✭✭smash


    Why did Lucy fall off the swing?
    Don't know
    Because she had no arms!

    Knock knock
    Who's there?
    Well it's not Lucy anyway :pac:


  • Options
    #81
    Pumpkinseeds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,635 ✭✭✭Pumpkinseeds


    My Dad seems to have lost his sense of humour.:( I usually get him a funny fathers day card, he's not really into big displays of affection, anyways, a couple of years back my Mum told me not to get him any more funny cards as apparently he interpretted the last one I got him as a 'dig at him':confused::rolleyes:


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #82
    Captain Havoc
    Moderators, Sports Moderators, Regional South East Moderators Posts: 11,391 Mod ✭✭✭✭Captain Havoc


    (Works better Orally)

    Knock Knock
    Who's there?
    Bigish
    Bigish who?
    Not today thanks.

    https://ormondelanguagetours.com

    Walking Tours of Kilkenny in English, French or German.



  • Options
    #83
    Canard
    Moderators, Education Moderators Posts: 8,572 Mod ✭✭✭✭Canard


    What has four legs and eats rocks?
    A four-legged rock eater.

    Classic dad :pac:


  • Options
    #84
    Fat Christy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,866 ✭✭✭Fat Christy


    Candie wrote: »
    One time, my auntie came in the kitchen door and put down her bag.

    'I've just come from Weightwatchers' she says.
    'No luck then?' says dad.

    Laughed til we cried, including my aunt. :)

    Do you know what's good for weight loss?

    Walking........away from the table.


  • Options
    #85
    kfallon
    Registered Users Posts: 25,775 ✭✭✭✭kfallon


    Fat Christy wrote: »
    Do you know what's good for weight loss?

    Walking........away from the table.

    I've also heard the opposite, "He/she is obviously not afraid of the table anyway!!"


  • Options
    #86
    mfceiling
    Registered Users Posts: 12,789 ✭✭✭✭mfceiling


    Homework time...

    "Da, where are the himalayas"?

    "Ask your mother, she likely put them in the attic"

    Fcuk off...


  • Options
    #87
    FluffyAngel
    Closed Accounts Posts: 518 ✭✭✭FluffyAngel


    son.. Dad where's the Andes ?

    Dad .. At the end of your armies..😋


  • Options
    #88
    kfallon
    Registered Users Posts: 25,775 ✭✭✭✭kfallon


    Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

    Because they're so good at it.


  • Options
    #89
    kfallon
    Registered Users Posts: 25,775 ✭✭✭✭kfallon


    I went out with a girl called Simile, I don't know what I metaphor.


  • Options
    #90
    SEPT 23 1989
    Registered Users Posts: 43,028 ✭✭✭✭SEPT 23 1989


    There is updoc on your shoe


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #91
    EoghanIRL
    Registered Users Posts: 4,080 ✭✭✭EoghanIRL


    "Is that a blind dog?"
    "It's vision seems fine to me"


Advertisement