Pressures around Church weddings

ZiabR

How many of you have had a church wedding and actually wanted to have the church wedding? Or were you under pressure from family and parents to have a church wedding?

For example, I am getting married at the end of this year. I am an Atheist even though I was baptised and confirmed etc. This is before I was able to make my own mind up as to what I wanted to believe. Myself and my partner never go to mass but my partner would have some faith as that is the way they have been brought up.

We are having a church wedding, and the only reason for this is that my partners parents and family and very very holy, god fearing people that say the rosary every 2nd day etc. It annoys me that we have to go down the church route but if I am honest, the trouble it would cause if we were to have a civil ceremony would not be worth it.

So, how many of you have been in the same boat and felt you have had to have the church wedding to prevent family war?

Rosy Posy

We had a civil ceremony- put the foot down. We gave the same reason as we did for not baptising the kids- if the Christian God really is all he's cracked up to be he'd be pretty peeved by us lying in his sacred house. More respectful to keep it secular imo.

Menas

I went civil. My reasoning was that it is mine and the wifes special day that I want to remember for ever, on our terms. Any compromise would soil the memory.
So if my, or her, family did not like how we did our wedding then they can go and ****e. We only invited immediate family and 4 friends to the civil ceremony. Then had the big wedding reception the next day.

I'm going to four weddings this year and none of them are in a church. Although two are in the UK.

The last church wedding I was at was in a church of Ireland church and I can't remember the last Catholic church wedding I attended, and I've attend a fair few weddings.

I think, certainly Dublin folk, that the days of church weddings are slowly fading out now that you can get married in a nice hotel rather than a cold registry office (although the one in Dublin 2 is lovely).

iDave

Yeah in a similar boat logik, getting stories of how disappointed granny/father of the bride will be etc etc.

The_Valeyard

At five weddings last year. All churches.

Hoop66

We got married in the Unitarian Church on Stephen's's's Green.

Neither of us are religious, but it's a beautiful building and they didn't make a big deal about god in the ceremony.

Duggy747

We're having a humanist ceremony next year ourselves, I'm not religious but herself would be a tiny bit though she's not fond of the Catholic Church. Our families would be religious in the average way so they don't give a shíte but even if they were heavily devout we still wouldn't do it through the church.

It's our wedding not the religious folk's and I wouldn't care how much of a stink they kick up, they can stay at home on the wedding day and sulk for all I care.

I've yet to be at a wedding that wasn't a church one and I've been to 3 last year alone. I've 5 weddings this year and only one of the 5 isn't a church wedding (I'm invited as a +1, not one of my own friends) all the rest are full proper weddings. To be honest I expect it wont feel like a wedding really without a church or proper reception in a hotel. I think out of all my friends (male and female) there is only one who may not have a church wedding.

I'm not married but if/when I do it will be a church wedding.

rainbow kirby

Getting married in May, having a humanist ceremony. One of the absolutes for me was not getting married in a church - I've been a non-believer since before my teens, it would be incredibly hypocritical of me to agree to a church wedding because that's what someone else wanted.

The Backwards Man

Even here in backwards country, where it's more important to go to a funeral to 'be seen' than to pay respects to the deceased, I'd say its about 30-40% civil ceremonies in a hotel or whatever, although a fair few of those would be outsiders taking advantage of our glorious scenery, excellent hospitality and generous exchange rates.

pinkbear

I was in a similar position logik, and got married in a church. I don't really regret it though, as it meant the day was much more enjoyable and stress free as I didn't have disappointed / sniping / absent parents and relations making it difficult. Also my deeply religious Dad was afraid I would go straight to hell if I got married in a registry office, and while I could privately scoff at this ridiculous notion, it was very real to him and I couldn't have lived with myself knowing that my Dad was spending years worrying about his beloved daughter being damned for all eternity. But my own kids know that they are welcome to get married on the back of a tractor if they want, I would never interfere!

Menas

Galilea Cold Miner wrote: »

To be honest I expect it wont feel like a wedding really without a church or proper reception in a hotel.

Have you ever been to a civil ceremony? You can customise them all you want with music, singing and the vows etc. If anything they are more special in my opinion as it removes all the God fluff and the entire ceremony is dedicated to you and your partner getting married.

And you are free to have a reception in a hotel whether you got married in a church or elsewhere!

Turtyturd

Not married but always remember my OH's ma saying we would get married in a church because her granny wanted that for her granddaughter.

Was also the day I decided if we got married it would be a civil ceremony with the bare minimum of people there.

L.Jenkins

My wife and myself had a civil ceremony in Sligo and held the reception in the Glasshouse afterwards. Was what we both wanted despite the fuss my own mother kicked up, even when we refused to get a blessing. Neither of us believe in church weddings or god and what not.

ZiabR

pinkbear wrote: »

I was in a similar position logik, and got married in a church. I don't really regret it though, as it meant the day was much more enjoyable and stress free as I didn't have disappointed / sniping / absent parents and relations making it difficult. Also my deeply religious Dad was afraid I would go straight to hell if I got married in a registry office, and while I could privately scoff at this ridiculous notion, it was very real to him and I couldn't have lived with myself knowing that my Dad was spending years worrying about his beloved daughter being damned for all eternity. But my own kids know that they are welcome to get married on the back of a tractor if they want, I would never interfere!

Yes, this is how I am feeling towards the whole thing aswell.

L.Jenkins

Turtyturd wrote: »

Not married but always remember my OH's ma saying we would get married in a church because her granny wanted that for her granddaughter.

Was also the day I decided if we got married it would be a civil ceremony with the bare minimum of people there.

We spent the guts of €2000 for everything from suit, to the dress, the ceremony and meal afterwards, while we only had family and a few friends. No fuss and absolutely painless, which we all enjoyed.

lazygal

We never contemplated a church wedding. People who allow themselves to be dictated to by parents and cave to pressure to be a hypocrite on their wedding day would want to grow a pair. If our parents had hissy fits because we didn't want a sham of a wedding in a faith we don't practice we'd have told them to get over themselves.

shruikan2553

Not married yet but neither of us are religious and its our wedding so would be going down the civil route. Can cut out the boring church stuff, quick ceremony and then onto partying.

Our parents aren't religious so won't care. Grandparents might but they aren't the ones getting married so I see no reason to plan the wedding around their wishes.

kylith

I really, really don't understand why non religious people don't tell their families that anyone who isn't happy with a civil service is welcome to shove their invitation up their arse. Give in on the wedding to keep the peace and you'd damn well better be prepared to capitulate on baptism of kids, communions, confirmations, and finally the kid's weddings too.

Anyone making snide comments at my wedding will be shown the door.

Menas

Itzy wrote: »

My wife and myself had a civil ceremony in Sligo and held the reception in the Glasshouse afterwards. Was what we both wanted despite the fuss my own mother kicked up, even when we refused to get a blessing. Neither of us believe in church weddings or god and what not.

I forgot about the pressure to get a blessing!
My mum 'accepted' that we wanted to get married in the registry office, but she kept on harping on about getting a blessing for about 2 years afterwards.

Dog of Tears

Got married in a church even though I'm a non-believer.
At the end of the day, I could have been a stubborn prick about it, but I knew the OH wanted a church wedding and her family would have been disappointed if we'd gone civil.

It's not something I felt strongly enough about to create a fuss.

aaakev

Im getting married in 2 weeks and we are having a civil ceremony in a nice hotel. When we got engaged a few years ago the other half wanted a big church wedding and i didn't. We booked this 7 months ago and couldn't be happier, no bull**** pre marriage course and no religious part to our marriage just the whole day in a nice hotel with nice gardens, close friends, good food and lots of alcohol!

Turtyturd

Itzy wrote: »

We spent the guts of €2000 for everything from suit, to the dress, the ceremony and meal afterwards, while we only had family and a few friends. No fuss and absolutely painless, which we all enjoyed.

I am talking bare minimum, as in grabbing two witnesses off the street. Although the temptation is always there to just go away for a few days and come back married although the kids make that more difficult.

desertcircus

Got married last August in the registry office in Dublin 2 before going for dinner with the 22 people we'd invited. Small, simple and perfect. In saying that, none of our parents are particularly religious, so there was never any real pressure to go down the church route; I like to think we'd have held firm if there had been, but it's impossible to know.

One thing I will say: the moment you recite your vows and become married, the venue might as well not exist. I can barely remember anything about the ceremony except the smile on my girlfriend's face as she became my wife, and that smile is something I'll never forget.

demanufactured

Registry office... Only job.. In and out in 10 mins...

Grayson

Deleted User wrote: »

I'm going to four weddings this year and none of them are in a church. Although two are in the UK.

That is going to hurt the pocket



On the original subject I've always been a fan of Vegas weddings because it gets rid of all the fuss involved with churches.

Plus I think a photo of her in the dress, me in a purple velvet suit, a pink Cadillac with Korean Elvis at a drive thru chapel would look amazing on a mantelpiece.:)

Trigger Happy

Trigger Happy wrote: »

Have you ever been to a civil ceremony? You can customise them all you want with music, singing and the vows etc. If anything they are more special in my opinion as it removes all the God fluff and the entire ceremony is dedicated to you and your partner getting married.

And you are free to have a reception in a hotel whether you got married in a church or elsewhere!

Never been to a civil ceremony, though I am invited to a wedding this year which is a civil ceremony (first and only one for a long while I reckon as all my own friends are going for full church weddings). The reception of which is just in a pub hence my comment on not having a proper reception.

I personally dont feel like its a wedding without the church and I dont consdier the God aspect "fluff".

kylith wrote: »

I really, really don't understand why non religious people don't tell their families that anyone who isn't happy with a civil service is welcome to shove their invitation up their arse.

Because people aren't c*nts to their families. They love them and and dont want to fall out with them (possibly for life) over a simple thing like this.

ZiabR

kylith wrote: »

I really, really don't understand why non religious people don't tell their families that anyone who isn't happy with a civil service is welcome to shove their invitation up their arse. Give in on the wedding to keep the peace and you'd damn well better be prepared to capitulate on baptism of kids, communions, confirmations, and finally the kid's weddings too.

Anyone making snide comments at my wedding will be shown the door.

I know you are right and I agree but it is very hard to put that into practice when you are trying to keep other people happy to.

desertcircus

Galilea Cold Miner wrote: »

Never been to a civil ceremony, though I am invited to a wedding this year which is a civil ceremony (first and only one for a long while I reckon as all my own friends are going for full church weddings). The reception of which is just in a pub hence my comment on not having a proper reception.

I personally dont feel like its a wedding without the church and I dont consdier the God aspect "fluff".



Because people aren't c*nts to their families. They love them and and dont want to fall out with them (possibly for life) over a simple thing like this.

Is there something inferior about those of us who get married outside of churches? Why is my wedding not real compared to the wedding of an atheist who gets married inside a church - is it the fact that I told no lies when marrying the woman I loved?

rainbow kirby

Galilea Cold Miner wrote: »

Because people aren't c*nts to their families. They love them and and dont want to fall out with them (possibly for life) over a simple thing like this.

Maybe their families shouldn't be c*nts to them and respect their choices and beliefs.

The Peanut

I normally wouldn't be fussed one way or the other but we got married in our local church. 2 of my wife's younger brothers had died in the years preceding it and they were buried in the village graveyard. It will sound morbid/stupid to many but it was very important for her to be able to go to their graves before and after the ceremony. It made it very emotional but that was sadly the backdrop to our wedding.

I think the increased wedding options is a very welcome development for many people though.

Ush1

I had a civil ceremony. Cost 250 blips and over in 6 mins, perfec.

shruikan2553

rainbow kirby wrote: »

Maybe their families shouldn't be c*nts to them and respect their choices and beliefs.

Its nox, if they aren't catholic they are wrong and need to be put back into line.

Dog of Tears

kylith wrote: »

I really, really don't understand why non religious people don't tell their families that anyone who isn't happy with a civil service is welcome to shove their invitation up their arse. Give in on the wedding to keep the peace and you'd damn well better be prepared to capitulate on baptism of kids, communions, confirmations, and finally the kid's weddings too.

Anyone making snide comments at my wedding will be shown the door.

Meh.

Really couldn't care less if we married in a church or a cowshed, but a church is an option that keeps most people happy and why would you want to piss your family or in-laws off about something that doesn't really matter that much to you?

kylith

Galilea Cold Miner wrote: »

Because people aren't c*nts to their families. They love them and and dont want to fall out with them (possibly for life) over a simple thing like this.

If their families are being ***** to them by throwing a wobbler about it not being a 'proper' or 'real' wedding unless they get married in a church then I see no problem at all in being a **** right back to them.

It is disgraceful behaviour to try to blackmail someone into being married in a religion which they are no part of because Granny won't like it. Granny is big and ugly enough to grow herself up and cop herself on. And if she doesn't like it she can either lump it and keep her mouth shut, or she can not go.

My wedding day. My decision.

Ush1

Dog of Tears wrote: »

Meh.

Really couldn't care less if we married in a church or a cowshed, but a church is an option that keeps most people happy and why would you want to piss your family or in-laws off about something that doesn't really matter that much to you?

F*ck your family and in laws, it's a day for the couple.

kylith

Dog of Tears wrote: »

Meh.

Really couldn't care less if we married in a church or a cowshed, but a church is an option that keeps most people happy and why would you want to piss your family or in-laws off about something that doesn't really matter that much to you?

If the individual doesn't care then it's up to them. I do care, and other people care and have felt forced into church weddings. That is a disgraceful thing to do to someone. Your wedding day should be one of the happiest days of your life, not remembered with an undercurrent of bitterness because you were coerced into being married in a church.

mayobumblebee

I went civil myself I was surprised at how many people tried kicking up stink about it it was all people who like myself Never darken a church door. I Felt it more true to us to go Civil and for me less stressful.
However a relative of mine went church as she thought that would shut everyone up but then she was pushed on bridesmaids, decor and even colour scheme she kept changing to suit others. Do as you want and if that's church for easy sake go for it, but be careful not to be pushed to far by people because everyone will have an opinion and they will think theirs is better than yours.

Dog of Tears

kylith wrote: »

My wedding day. My decision.

For most people weddings are about celebrating with family and friends.

You sound like you have a bit of a Princess complex about the day tbh.

shruikan2553

Dog of Tears wrote: »

For most people weddings are about celebrating with family and friends.

You sound like you have a bit of a Princess complex about the day tbh.

Its OK for the people not getting married to get what they want but not OK for the people getting married?

Akrasia

I got married 2 years ago. We actually had 2 weddings, The civil ceremony on the Thursday to get the legalities out of the way, and a proper wedding on the Saturday.

I asked my uncle to be the officiant, I wrote the ceremony, we chose the music and the readings and played a montage video in the middle.

Before the day there were some family members who were unsure about how it would work, but afterwards loads of people said it was the best ceremony they had been at.

The reception was in the same hotel so everyone could relax for the day without all the usual hanging around for photos and driving miles between the church and the reception.

RobertKK

For a practising Christian, marriage is united under God, and the civil thing is the far inferior part of the marriage.
I wouldn't consider myself married if there was no church wedding but that is due to my beliefs, other people have different beliefs on what marriage is.

awec

Churches cost what, 500 quid?

How does that compare to a hotel / reg office for the price of the actual ceremony alone?

kylith

kylith wrote: »

If their families are being ***** to them by throwing a wobbler about it not being a 'proper' or 'real' wedding unless they get married in a church then I see no problem at all in being a **** right back to them.

It is disgraceful behaviour to try to blackmail someone into being married in a religion which they are no part of because Granny won't like it. Granny is big and ugly enough to grow herself up and cop herself on. And if she doesn't like it she can either lump it and keep her mouth shut, or she can not go.

My wedding day. My decision.

Speaking in general (as not having a church wedding isn't something Id consider myself anyway) I'd much rather put up with a very very minor and trivial change to my plan for a day and keep the people I love happy especially if you are stamping on their beliefs. I would always go out of my way to not fall out with family as family is just too important.

lazygal

Dog of Tears wrote: »

For most people weddings are about celebrating with family and friends.

You sound like you have a bit of a Princess complex about the day tbh.

We had much more efficient celebrating at our non church wedding. No boring long mass, short ceremony and straight out into the reception area for a free bar and food. For most people, sitting in a cold church through a ceremony the couple don't really believe in isn't a top ten way to celebrate anything.

Grayson

Dog of Tears wrote: »

For most people weddings are about celebrating with family and friends.

You sound like you have a bit of a Princess complex about the day tbh.

Try harder next time.

kylith

Dog of Tears wrote: »

For most people weddings are about celebrating with family and friends.

I would be of the opinion that it is a day for my friends and family to celebrate with me and whoever I am marrying. That means that my partner and I are the most important people there, it being after all our wedding. Our wedding, we make the decisions.

Dog of Tears wrote: »

You sound like you have a bit of a Princess complex about the day tbh.

The exact opposite, in fact. I want as low-key a day with as little fuss as possible.

What I do have a 'princess complex' about is people attempting to blackmail or guilt me into doing something I don't want to do.

awec

The last four weddings I have been at one was humanist and three were in these pentecostal protestant churches which don't actually look like traditional churches at all (they pretty much resemble a hotel's function room).

The pentecostal weddings lasted like 30 minutes, and that was including a sermon and songs. Proper order that, no sitting bored out of your wits listening to someone drone on when ye couldn't give a fcuk what he's saying and just want out.

Ush1

awec wrote: »

Churches cost what, 500 quid?

How does that compare to a hotel / reg office for the price of the actual ceremony alone?

Reg office civil ceremony is 250 euro.

woppi

logik wrote: »

...
So, how many of you have been in the same boat and felt you have had to have the church wedding to prevent family war?

As a Christian, I am not in the same boat. However, if the parents are interfering in your marriage at the start there is going to be conflict later on unless clear boundaries are established. You may want to have a chat with the Iman/Minister/Priest/Rabbi about this. I can't imagine any of them preferring deceit in their ceremonies. They may be able to help the parents see the sense in respecting your chosen belief system.

No matter which route you go down, I wish you both every happiness together in the good times and peace together when the road is bumpy.