Pressures around Church weddings

The Peanut · 11-02-2015 11:33AM

I normally wouldn't be fussed one way or the other but we got married in our local church. 2 of my wife's younger brothers had died in the years preceding it and they were buried in the village graveyard. It will sound morbid/stupid to many but it was very important for her to be able to go to their graves before and after the ceremony. It made it very emotional but that was sadly the backdrop to our wedding.

I think the increased wedding options is a very welcome development for many people though.

Ush1 · 11-02-2015 11:33AM

I had a civil ceremony. Cost 250 blips and over in 6 mins, perfec.

shruikan2553 · 11-02-2015 11:34AM

rainbow kirby wrote: »

Maybe their families shouldn't be c*nts to them and respect their choices and beliefs.

Its nox, if they aren't catholic they are wrong and need to be put back into line.

Dog of Tears · 11-02-2015 11:38AM

kylith wrote: »

I really, really don't understand why non religious people don't tell their families that anyone who isn't happy with a civil service is welcome to shove their invitation up their arse. Give in on the wedding to keep the peace and you'd damn well better be prepared to capitulate on baptism of kids, communions, confirmations, and finally the kid's weddings too.

Anyone making snide comments at my wedding will be shown the door.

Meh.

Really couldn't care less if we married in a church or a cowshed, but a church is an option that keeps most people happy and why would you want to piss your family or in-laws off about something that doesn't really matter that much to you?

kylith · 11-02-2015 11:38AM

Galilea Cold Miner wrote: »

Because people aren't c*nts to their families. They love them and and dont want to fall out with them (possibly for life) over a simple thing like this.

If their families are being ***** to them by throwing a wobbler about it not being a 'proper' or 'real' wedding unless they get married in a church then I see no problem at all in being a **** right back to them.

It is disgraceful behaviour to try to blackmail someone into being married in a religion which they are no part of because Granny won't like it. Granny is big and ugly enough to grow herself up and cop herself on. And if she doesn't like it she can either lump it and keep her mouth shut, or she can not go.

My wedding day. My decision.

Ush1 · 11-02-2015 11:40AM

Dog of Tears wrote: »

Meh.

Really couldn't care less if we married in a church or a cowshed, but a church is an option that keeps most people happy and why would you want to piss your family or in-laws off about something that doesn't really matter that much to you?

F*ck your family and in laws, it's a day for the couple.

kylith · 11-02-2015 11:41AM

Dog of Tears wrote: »

Meh.

Really couldn't care less if we married in a church or a cowshed, but a church is an option that keeps most people happy and why would you want to piss your family or in-laws off about something that doesn't really matter that much to you?

If the individual doesn't care then it's up to them. I do care, and other people care and have felt forced into church weddings. That is a disgraceful thing to do to someone. Your wedding day should be one of the happiest days of your life, not remembered with an undercurrent of bitterness because you were coerced into being married in a church.

mayobumblebee · 11-02-2015 11:42AM

I went civil myself I was surprised at how many people tried kicking up stink about it it was all people who like myself Never darken a church door. I Felt it more true to us to go Civil and for me less stressful.
However a relative of mine went church as she thought that would shut everyone up but then she was pushed on bridesmaids, decor and even colour scheme she kept changing to suit others. Do as you want and if that's church for easy sake go for it, but be careful not to be pushed to far by people because everyone will have an opinion and they will think theirs is better than yours.

Dog of Tears · 11-02-2015 11:42AM

kylith wrote: »

My wedding day. My decision.

For most people weddings are about celebrating with family and friends.

You sound like you have a bit of a Princess complex about the day tbh.

shruikan2553 · 11-02-2015 11:45AM

Dog of Tears wrote: »

For most people weddings are about celebrating with family and friends.

You sound like you have a bit of a Princess complex about the day tbh.

Its OK for the people not getting married to get what they want but not OK for the people getting married?

Akrasia · 11-02-2015 11:46AM

I got married 2 years ago. We actually had 2 weddings, The civil ceremony on the Thursday to get the legalities out of the way, and a proper wedding on the Saturday.

I asked my uncle to be the officiant, I wrote the ceremony, we chose the music and the readings and played a montage video in the middle.

Before the day there were some family members who were unsure about how it would work, but afterwards loads of people said it was the best ceremony they had been at.

The reception was in the same hotel so everyone could relax for the day without all the usual hanging around for photos and driving miles between the church and the reception.

RobertKK · 11-02-2015 11:46AM

For a practising Christian, marriage is united under God, and the civil thing is the far inferior part of the marriage.
I wouldn't consider myself married if there was no church wedding but that is due to my beliefs, other people have different beliefs on what marriage is.

awec · 11-02-2015 11:46AM

Churches cost what, 500 quid?

How does that compare to a hotel / reg office for the price of the actual ceremony alone?

11-02-2015 11:47AM

kylith wrote: »

If their families are being ***** to them by throwing a wobbler about it not being a 'proper' or 'real' wedding unless they get married in a church then I see no problem at all in being a **** right back to them.

It is disgraceful behaviour to try to blackmail someone into being married in a religion which they are no part of because Granny won't like it. Granny is big and ugly enough to grow herself up and cop herself on. And if she doesn't like it she can either lump it and keep her mouth shut, or she can not go.

My wedding day. My decision.

Speaking in general (as not having a church wedding isn't something Id consider myself anyway) I'd much rather put up with a very very minor and trivial change to my plan for a day and keep the people I love happy especially if you are stamping on their beliefs. I would always go out of my way to not fall out with family as family is just too important.

lazygal · 11-02-2015 11:47AM

Dog of Tears wrote: »

For most people weddings are about celebrating with family and friends.

You sound like you have a bit of a Princess complex about the day tbh.

We had much more efficient celebrating at our non church wedding. No boring long mass, short ceremony and straight out into the reception area for a free bar and food. For most people, sitting in a cold church through a ceremony the couple don't really believe in isn't a top ten way to celebrate anything.

Grayson · 11-02-2015 11:48AM

Dog of Tears wrote: »

For most people weddings are about celebrating with family and friends.

You sound like you have a bit of a Princess complex about the day tbh.

Try harder next time.

kylith · 11-02-2015 11:49AM

Dog of Tears wrote: »

For most people weddings are about celebrating with family and friends.

I would be of the opinion that it is a day for my friends and family to celebrate with me and whoever I am marrying. That means that my partner and I are the most important people there, it being after all our wedding. Our wedding, we make the decisions.

Dog of Tears wrote: »

You sound like you have a bit of a Princess complex about the day tbh.

The exact opposite, in fact. I want as low-key a day with as little fuss as possible.

What I do have a 'princess complex' about is people attempting to blackmail or guilt me into doing something I don't want to do.

awec · 11-02-2015 11:49AM

The last four weddings I have been at one was humanist and three were in these pentecostal protestant churches which don't actually look like traditional churches at all (they pretty much resemble a hotel's function room).

The pentecostal weddings lasted like 30 minutes, and that was including a sermon and songs. Proper order that, no sitting bored out of your wits listening to someone drone on when ye couldn't give a fcuk what he's saying and just want out.

Ush1 · 11-02-2015 11:55AM

awec wrote: »

Churches cost what, 500 quid?

How does that compare to a hotel / reg office for the price of the actual ceremony alone?

Reg office civil ceremony is 250 euro.

woppi · 11-02-2015 11:55AM

logik wrote: »

...
So, how many of you have been in the same boat and felt you have had to have the church wedding to prevent family war?

As a Christian, I am not in the same boat. However, if the parents are interfering in your marriage at the start there is going to be conflict later on unless clear boundaries are established. You may want to have a chat with the Iman/Minister/Priest/Rabbi about this. I can't imagine any of them preferring deceit in their ceremonies. They may be able to help the parents see the sense in respecting your chosen belief system.

No matter which route you go down, I wish you both every happiness together in the good times and peace together when the road is bumpy.

kylith · 11-02-2015 11:55AM

Galilea Cold Miner wrote: »

Speaking in general (as not having a church wedding isn't something Id consider myself anyway) I'd much rather put up with a very very minor and trivial change to my plan for a day and keep the people I love happy especially if you are stamping on their beliefs. I would always go out of my way to not fall out with family as family is just too important.

I wouldn't consider it minor or trivial, but that's because I believe that the RCC is one of the most despicable and evil organisations of our time and I'll be bolloxed if I'll give them a red cent, and that gods are makey-uppy fairy stories and I may as well have a service dedicated to Kahless or Pinky-Pie as to any god. And anyone trying to get me into a church wedding would be stamping on my beliefs.

And why should it be the couple's job to do what their family wants in order to not fall out with them? Why shouldn't the onus be on the family to accept what the bride and groom want to do in order to not fall out?

Plus, like I said; give in on the wedding and the pressure will be turned up for baptising the children, then for communion, then for confirmations, then for the kid's weddings. All because someone wouldn't stand up for what they wanted in the first place.

mailforkev · 11-02-2015 11:57AM

We had a humanist ceremony. Neither of us are religious so a church was never an option.

Parents were told what we were doing rather than consulted, there was no discussion. After all, they already got to pick where they got married, our wedding was our turn.

As far as I know, over half of weddings held in Dublin are now non-religious.

Ush1 · 11-02-2015 11:58AM

Princess complex, ffs, talk about victim blaming.

Sounds like some people have an inferiority complex, when "family" ask them to jump for no good reason, they say how high?

ZiabR · 11-02-2015 11:58AM

awec wrote: »

Churches cost what, 500 quid?

How does that compare to a hotel / reg office for the price of the actual ceremony alone?

Yeah, church with the priest and flowers would be in the region of 650.

Grayson · 11-02-2015 12:01PM

kylith wrote: »

I wouldn't consider it minor or trivial, but that's because I believe that the RCC is one of the most despicable and evil organisations of our time and I'll be bolloxed if I'll give them a red cent. And anyone trying to get me into a church wedding would be stamping on my beliefs.

And why should it be the couple's job to do what their family wants in order to not fall out with them? Why shouldn't the onus be on the family to accept what the bride and groom want to do in order to not fall out?

Plus, like I said; give in on the wedding and the pressure will be turned up for baptising the children, then for communion, then for confirmations, then for the kid's weddings. All because someone wouldn't stand up for what they wanted in the first place.

It's not even just the RCC. Imagine asking a Christian to deny their faith just to make someone happy. Or asking anyone of any religion to deny their beliefs for the sake of appearances.

nxbyveromdwjpg · 11-02-2015 12:04PM

Galilea Cold Miner wrote: »

Speaking in general (as not having a church wedding isn't something Id consider myself anyway) I'd much rather put up with a very very minor and trivial change to my plan for a day and keep the people I love happy especially if you are stamping on their beliefs. I would always go out of my way to not fall out with family as family is just too important.

So what you're saying is they would not extend that courtesy to you?
You have to do it their way, on your wedding day, or that's it - falling out.

It seems too obvious to point out what the real problem is here and it's not you.

hardCopy · 11-02-2015 12:05PM

I'm not religious, my wife to be is.

We told the priest from the start that I'm not practicing and wouldn't be taking communion. He was totally fine with it. You can have a catholic wedding in a church without having a mass.

I do still have to go through some of the catholic hoops to get married as I was baptised catholic so I have to get a letter of freedom from my parent's parish.

lukesmom · 11-02-2015 12:08PM

Got married in a Catholic Church because I wanted to.

jaja321 · 11-02-2015 12:09PM

We're having a humanist wedding. My family are religious, although not overtly so, but even still they were disappointed to some extent we weren't marrying in a church. We didn't budge on the actual wedding, but are compromising on having a blessing at some point after. It will keep them happy and we still get the actual wedding we want. It's not ideal, but its a compromise (and I'm finding out that wedding planning involves a lot of compromises!)

Dog of Tears · 11-02-2015 12:11PM

kylith wrote: »

I wouldn't consider it minor or trivial, but that's because I believe that the RCC is one of the most despicable and evil organisations of our time and I'll be bolloxed if I'll give them a red cent, and that gods are makey-uppy fairy stories and I may as well have a service dedicated to Kahless or Pinky-Pie as to any god. And anyone trying to get me into a church wedding would be stamping on my beliefs..

You sound very angry, but perhaps your wedding day is not the right time to be shovelling your beliefs down the throats of your family and friends.

Pressures around Church weddings

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