Potential issue with priest

Liam McPoyle

Hi all.

I'm just looking for some advice / thoughts on something that is causing fiancé and I a bit of anxiety.

In the parish we are getting married in, there are 4 or 5 priests that divide up the weddings between themselves at the beginning of the year.

We got the name of ours and went along to Sunday mass to see what he was like etc. Turns out he is a non native English speaker and as a result he has a very thick accent, so thick that we both had difficulty understanding him at mass and we had to listen to a voice mail 3 times before we could pick up what he said.

The ceremony is pretty important to us, herself in particular, and we are are worried that as a result of the priests accent it would 1) mean that the attendees and ourselves won't be able to understand him clearly on the day and 2) the video of the ceremony will not pick it up either. It's not like we would be watching it regularly or anything but it would be nice if we could dig it out I years to come for a trip down memory lane.

So my question is, if we ask for a different priest are we being arseholes and if we are to ask for a different one, how would be broach the subject?

Any thoughts appreciated as it's causing a bit of stress.

polydactyl

Do you know a priest? Could you ask if your "own" priest could do it instead as a personal favour? We had a family friend perform out wedding not for any reason like yours but it meant a lot to my husband family and the local priest had absolutely no problem with it at all. I figure he was thrilled he had a Sat free

kildareash

Is there a parish secretary or somewhere you can go to discuss your concerns?

How did you book your wedding in the parish initially?

Your issue is with not understanding him, which is legit, so I wouldn't think you were being assholes by wanting someone else to officiate at your wedding.
If his accent is that strong, it's probably something they have come across before.

Good luck!

Liam McPoyle

kildareash wrote: »

Is there a parish secretary or somewhere you can go to discuss your concerns?

How did you book your wedding in the parish initially?

Your issue is with not understanding him, which is legit, so I wouldn't think you were being assholes by wanting someone else to officiate at your wedding.
If his accent is that strong, it's probably something they have come across before.

Good luck!

Aye, a lot of it has been through the parish secretary alright. I think I will give her a shout and discuss with her our concerns.

I just don't want to be seen as been feckin racist of something like that!

Thanks for the replies.

kildareash

Business Cat wrote: »

Aye, a lot of it has been through the parish secretary alright. I think I will give her a shout and discuss with her our concerns.

I just don't want to be seen as been feckin racist of something like that!

Thanks for the replies.

It's all about how you approach it...personally I wouldn't start with "we want a new priest"
I'd just explain it how you did here.
I think there are certain situations where the softly, softly approach works better than all guns blazing.

If there are a few priests in the parish, I can't imagine it would be much of an issue to change and it's not as if you are specifically requesting a particular one.

username000

Clearly the Church feels he is capable of saying mass and officiating at Catholic ceremonies.

What exactly would you feel you didnt understand on the day - you will have a mass booklet so everything that is a part of the ceremony will be written down in that. And if he says a few words about you, it will be words that you have provided so it isnt like he will be talking about new aspects of your relationship or personalities!

You could just as easily be assigned an Irish priest who is old and mumbly or someone who is a native english speaker but who has a thick accent like Glaswegian or something.

Liam McPoyle

username000 wrote: »

Clearly the Church feels he is capable of saying mass and officiating at Catholic ceremonies.

What exactly would you feel you didnt understand on the day - you will have a mass booklet so everything that is a part of the ceremony will be written down in that. And if he says a few words about you, it will be words that you have provided so it isnt like he will be talking about new aspects of your relationship or personalities!

You could just as easily be assigned an Irish priest who is old and mumbly or someone who is a native english speaker but who has a thick accent like Glaswegian or something.

I didn't say we wanted a native English speaker, I said he isn't a native English and had a thick accent that we have difficulty understanding, there is a pretty big difference. It would be exactly the same if it was a native English speaker we couldn't understand. We should not be expected to have to rely on a booklet to be able to follow our own wedding ceremony and it's absolute nonsense to suggest we should.

Nice try at implying something else though, if you have nothing to add but insinuations then kindly keep them to yourself, yeah.

username000

Business Cat wrote: »

Nice try at implying something else though, if you have nothing to add but insinuations then kindly keep them to yourself, yeah.

No idea what youre talking about, perhaps your own paranoia is a reflection of something you see in yourself.

Im still not clear on what there is to "follow" in the marriage ceremony. A printed version will be available for you to read (you will be the one who decides what readings etc are used). Its mass with a catholic marriage ceremony. Surely if you are having a Catholic wedding you are familiar with the general layout of mass? And you will have practiced the marriage ceremony part with the priest. What cant you follow?

pooch90

Of course you want to be able to understand what is being said in your own wedding ceremony without having to read it from the booklet! That's a silly thing to say.

Wabbit Ears

I got married abroad and me and my family had zero understanding of what the priest was saying but catholic masses are all repeats and no one had a problem with it. I was also at a wedding of a family member in Roscommon where the priest is from Africa ( no idea specifically where) and does mass in a really think accent. He also did a relatives funeral. I have no idea what he said but everyone local says hes a lovely fella and everyone seem to just accept him, and we are talking proper Roscommon country folk which surprised me as I was expecting some grumbles from the haters but there was none.

also, sounds like this isn't your parish, in fact, sounds like its neither of your parish?

username000

pooch90 wrote: »

Of course you want to be able to understand what is being said in your own wedding ceremony without having to read it from the booklet! That's a silly thing to say.

Well I really meant to read and familiarise yourself with beforehand. Seeing as the couple design the mass and marriage ceremony themselves - youd want to be fairly un-involved to not know or understand what was going on.

You dont show up on the day to a surprise ceremony. Its actually planned by the couple and they choose the readings etc...

skallywag

Business Cat wrote: »

Nice try at implying something else though, if you have nothing to add but insinuations then kindly keep them to yourself, yeah.

I see no insinuations whatsoever in username000's response.

Can you please clarify?

lazygal

pooch90 wrote: »

Of course you want to be able to understand what is being said in your own wedding ceremony without having to read it from the booklet! That's a silly thing to say.

TBH every Catholic wedding I've been to has been the same, and I read along with the booklet to keep up, so I don't see the big issue here. Even as a godless heathen I can manage to figure out what's going on, and surely the couple would know the format of a catholic ceremony if they're having a church wedding?

kandr10

Honestly I see no I insinuation in what above poster has said. Understandably you don't want to come across the wrong way but you so easily will in this situation. Bear in mind also that phone conversations/ voicemails can be difficult to understand for any number of reasons and aren't necessarily representative of how this priest always speaks. Perhaps if you both met with him in person on wedding business or hang back after mass to have a chat with him you might get on a bit better.
The only way not to offend otherwise is to request a particular priest that might be known to either of you. I'd tread carefully though.

Addle

It might be the makings of the ceremony, inject a bit if humour into it!

Sherlof3

Hi there - totally appreciate your concerns and it is a tricky situation - I would agree that sensitively approach it with the parish secretary and then if there's no leeway then have a think about bringing your own priest.

Good luck!

Meathlass

If the wedding ceremony is so important to you and your partner then presumably you have your own priest that you go to every Sunday who can officiate?

An Bhanríon

I would try a word in the ear of the parish secretary. Best of luck. I wouldn't be too happy with that situation either. It's a tricky one!

The other option, of course, would be to get a priest from outside the parish. But that does depend on who you know. It would be worth asking around your family and friends, though. You never know who might know a priest who would do your wedding.

We were lucky that we knew our priest and that he was available to do our wedding. We had seen him do many masses and we knew he would do a lovely wedding mass. And it DOES make a difference which priest does your mass.

fits

Hmm I think its a bit off tbh. If he can say a mass why can't he do a wedding ceremony? They really are all the same so I don't see why it matters so much. I agree it could just as easily be a mumbler. This is sort of the deal with the rcc. You take what you are given. My sister had a lad with severe mental issues and we were terrified he'd go off on one, but we couldn't ask the curate to do it as the pp had the say.

I work in an international environment and have to consciously moderate my accent and modify my language and would be very upset if at the receiving end of something like this. I'm also very accepting of all the colours of the rainbow where accents are concerned.

username000

An Bhanríon wrote: »

And it DOES make a difference which priest does your mass.

Well of course it does, but if you are not bringing a priest that you actually know and are just accepting whoever the parish assigns, then I dont think the guys accent is a reason to have an issue with him. What if they complain and get a different one and he turns out to be dour, or a mumbler? The point is - if they dont know any of them, one is as good as another. The priest is there to do a job, his accent should be irrelevant.

It comes off as shallow at best and racist at worst.

lazygal

An Bhanríon wrote: »

And it DOES make a difference which priest does your mass.

Are couples allowed to pick and choose? I would've thought the main thing is having a priest conduct the wedding sacrament, not how its delivered, if you are having a church wedding. All Catholic weddings have melted into one for me, so I can't see the issue here, the format is the same no matter what.

Dolbert

This does strike me as being quite bride/groomzilla-ish, as though the problem is that the priest's accent doesn't 'fit' with the wedding Sorry.

lazygal

Dolbert wrote: »

This does strike me as being quite bride/groomzilla-ish, as though the problem is that the priest's accent doesn't 'fit' with the wedding Sorry.

Not a very Christian attitude towards the priest, one might say.

Wabbit Ears

You don't get to chose the priest if its not your own parish, and even then its at the parish priests discretion.

Here Comes The Trio

Ah now, you're getting some really narky replies and I don't see why!
Having been to about 50 weddings last year I think it does make a difference who says the ceremony. Yes, it's about the marriage, but some ceremonies stand out to me as being a bit more memorable than others, and you want to be totally comfortable throughout the ceremony too. I know the ceremony layout by heart, and most of the wording, I still would find it a bit awkward if it was very hard to understand, or if guests' heads are buried in booklets the entire time.
These comments about "surely since you care so much about the ceremony you have your own priest who you see every Sunday" are really not helpful IMO...
Anyway I just wanted to say I think you are entitled to not have to struggle to understand 90 mins of your own wedding, if the accent is as difficult as you say it is I would have a word with the secretary anyway. Good luck!

username000

Personally if I was the secretary I would not entertain someone requesting a different priest because the originally assigned one had the "wrong" accent.

Here Comes The Trio

username000 wrote: »

Personally if I was the secretary I would not entertain someone requesting a different priest because the originally assigned one had the "wrong" accent.

The OP hasn't said it's the "wrong" accent. They said it's very difficult to understand. I personally don't feel it's too much to ask that they be comfortable with who marries them on the day.

username000

Here Comes The Trio wrote: »

The OP hasn't said it's the "wrong" accent. They said it's very difficult to understand. I personally don't feel it's too much to ask that they be comfortable with who marries them on the day.

Would they reject the pope over his accent I wonder?

Of course it's the "wrong" accent, if it was the right one they wouldn't be rejecting him! I highly doubt they will get to pick and choose tbh, it's not a personality contest and unless you are bringing a priest you have a relationship with you just get whoever is available to do the job on the day. The priest is doing a job, not entertaining an audience. So long as he is capable of officiating a wedding I'd say they'll be told that that's it. I would hope so too.

lazygal

Here Comes The Trio wrote: »

The OP hasn't said it's the "wrong" accent. They said it's very difficult to understand. I personally don't feel it's too much to ask that they be comfortable with who marries them on the day.

That isn't a church wedding protocol is it though? Picking the priest you like the sound of the best? All Catholic wedding ceremonies are exactly the same, no matter how couples like to think how personal they are, so its neither here nor there what the priest sounds like. Surely the important thing for a catholic couple is the fact that a priest is officiating as they partake of the sacrament of marriage, and worldly things like accent are not a concern?
If I wanted someone who was a brilliant speaker to marry me I'd pay a celebrant of my own choosing to marry me. We did, and he did a great job.

seventeen sheep

I reckon try to attend a couple of masses said by the other priests in the church. Decide on one you'd like. Then ring the secretary raving about how impressed you were with his sermon, and is there any way at all he might be able to do your wedding, as you feel it would make the ceremony so much more special. That way you're not being in any way negative about the original priest.

I think your concern is perfectly valid, by the way.

Here Comes The Trio

username000 wrote: »

Would they reject the pope over his accent I wonder?

Of course it's the "wrong" accent, if it was the right one they wouldn't be rejecting him! I highly doubt they will get to pick and choose tbh, it's not a personality contest and unless you are bringing a priest you have a relationship with you just get whoever is available to do the job on the day. The priest is doing a job, not entertaining an audience. So long as he is capable of officiating a wedding I'd say they'll be told that that's it. I would hope so too.

Yeah I mostly agree, I dunno I guess I just feel for the OP, but like you said earlier we don't know that a new priest wouldn't be a mumbler either. I know he's doing "a job" but that's a whole other debate that I don't wish to have...

lazygal wrote: »

All Catholic wedding ceremonies are exactly the same, no matter how couples like to think how personal they are, so its neither here nor there what the priest sounds like.

Again I know it's just my opinion, but I have to disagree with that.

AnonoBoy

lazygal wrote: »

All Catholic wedding ceremonies are exactly the same, no matter how couples like to think how personal they are, so its neither here nor there what the priest sounds like.

Not really true. Priests often give sermons they write themselves at weddings. You can't follow that along in a booklet.

fits

I definitely agree that a nice priest can make a difference. But unless you bring your own, you generally don't get to choose. That's the way its always been.

cactusgal

I don't really have much more advice to add Op, but I do understand your concern. I'm not Irish and have to modify my accent at times to make myself understood, and I also work in a very international environment, so I'm dealing with different accents all the time.

But, one of the priests at my parents' church was extremely hard to understand, and mass (the homily) was very hard to follow. He was very fluent, but his pronunciation wasn't great, so although he had a great vocabulary and had perfect grammar, his pronunciation really held him back. I'd not want him to do my wedding mass for that reason, so I understand where you're coming from.

lazygal

AnonoBoy wrote: »

Not really true. Priests often give sermons they write themselves at weddings. You can't follow that along in a booklet.

Yes, but the prayers and the standy uppy and sitting down bits are always the same, a few prayers of the faithful, the long prayers most people mumble along to, the same gospel readings, the shuffling around for communion and the man in the robe. It's hardly difficult to predict what's going to happen at Irish catholic weddings. And a priest with an accent isn't going to make things that difficult to follow when most guests have been to exactly the same type of ceremony several times.
I do remember two sermons. One was a rant about gay marriage around the time of civil partnerships being introduced and the other was a serious warning about drink driving and people being killed on the roads. Who says romance is dead?!

Arbiter of Good Taste

Business Cat wrote: »

Nice try at implying something else though, if you have nothing to add but insinuations then kindly keep them to yourself, yeah.

Interesting reaction. Can I suggest that if you are worried about being offensive, maybe try not to start off in defensive mode.

haveringchick

OP as you can see one particular poster has a serious problem with RCC, has no real interest in offering you an opinion on how you might proceed, but hates to ever miss an opportunity to be disrespectfull dismissive or even offensive about anything Catholic.Never tires of it in fact. Best ignore.
I would have no hesitation in going direct to the priest in question. Tell him how important your actual marriage ceremony is to you and that you only picked up bits and pieces of the mass and his sermon that you attended. Tell him that this has upset you greatly and enquire as to whether it be possible for him to concelebrate the mass with another, possibly retired, priest.
Honesty is the best policy. Dont worry. No feelings will be hurt.

Liam McPoyle

username000 wrote: »

No idea what youre talking about, perhaps your own paranoia is a reflection of something you see in yourself.

Hmmmm, indeed.

username000 wrote: »

It comes off as shallow at best and racist at worst.

Why didnt you just make your accusation from the get go instead of beating around the bush, it helps people look less foolish. To those that were questioning where the insinuation was, you happy now? Ive been around boards long enough that I can smell re-reg wind up merchants a mile off, this one stinks.

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

I got married abroad and me and my family had zero understanding of what the priest was saying but catholic masses are all repeats and no one had a problem with it. I was also at a wedding of a family member in Roscommon where the priest is from Africa ( no idea specifically where) and does mass in a really think accent. He also did a relatives funeral. I have no idea what he said but everyone local says hes a lovely fella and everyone seem to just accept him, and we are talking proper Roscommon country folk which surprised me as I was expecting some grumbles from the haters but there was none.

also, sounds like this isn't your parish, in fact, sounds like its neither of your parish?

Im from the country, fiance has not lived in her "home" parish in over 8 years so we dont have a priest that either of us know well.

Meathlass wrote: »

If the wedding ceremony is so important to you and your partner then presumably you have your own priest that you go to every Sunday who can officiate?

Yes, of course. Whether we go to mass 5 times a week or once a year is irrelevant, if we have trouble understanding the celebrant then thats potentially an issue. Great post by the way, would definitely read again.

Sherlof3 wrote: »

Hi there - totally appreciate your concerns and it is a tricky situation - I would agree that sensitively approach it with the parish secretary and then if there's no leeway then have a think about bringing your own priest.

Good luck!

Thanks, we have kind of decided what we are going to do.

fits wrote: »

Hmm I think its a bit off tbh. If he can say a mass why can't he do a wedding ceremony? They really are all the same so I don't see why it matters so much. I agree it could just as easily be a mumbler. This is sort of the deal with the rcc. You take what you are given. My sister had a lad with severe mental issues and we were terrified he'd go off on one, but we couldn't ask the curate to do it as the pp had the say.

I work in an international environment and have to consciously moderate my accent and modify my language and would be very upset if at the receiving end of something like this. I'm also very accepting of all the colours of the rainbow where accents are concerned.

There is no debating that he can say a mass or perform a wedding ceremony. The issue that we are concerned about is that we do not want to have to strain to hear/understand what he is saying.

You have said that you consciously make an effort to be understood clearly by moderating your language, so its too much to ask that we would want a priest that we can clearly understand?

Bit of a contradiction imo but thanks for the input.

Dolbert wrote: »

This does strike me as being quite bride/groomzilla-ish, as though the problem is that the priest's accent doesn't 'fit' with the wedding Sorry.

No need to apologise, its something we are concerned about ie coming across as precious. We just want everything to go as flawlessly as possible, not too much to ask I would have thought.

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

You don't get to chose the priest if its not your own parish, and even then its at the parish priests discretion.

Cheers, we kinda figured as much.

username000 wrote: »

Personally if I was the secretary I would not entertain someone requesting a different priest because the originally assigned one had the "wrong" accent.

Wow, great post, would definitely read again, thanks so much for coming.

seventeen sheep wrote: »

I reckon try to attend a couple of masses said by the other priests in the church. Decide on one you'd like. Then ring the secretary raving about how impressed you were with his sermon, and is there any way at all he might be able to do your wedding, as you feel it would make the ceremony so much more special. That way you're not being in any way negative about the original priest.

I think your concern is perfectly valid, by the way.

We have been to mass a number of times with one of the priests thats there, we have spoken to him a few times, it was him that we first went to after we got engaged. We got on well with him and liked him but based on what others have said, it may not be an option to specify as there is no real "connection" there.

cactusgal wrote: »

I don't really have much more advice to add Op, but I do understand your concern. I'm not Irish and have to modify my accent at times to make myself understood, and I also work in a very international environment, so I'm dealing with different accents all the time.

But, one of the priests at my parents' church was extremely hard to understand, and mass (the homily) was very hard to follow. He was very fluent, but his pronunciation wasn't great, so although he had a great vocabulary and had perfect grammar, his pronunciation really held him back. I'd not want him to do my wedding mass for that reason, so I understand where you're coming from.

Thanks for the input. The priest has fluent english and perfect vocabulary, its just that its a very thick accent.

Arbiter of Good Taste wrote: »

Interesting reaction. Can I suggest that if you are worried about being offensive, maybe try not to start off in defensive mode.

Wow, fantastic post, thanks for sharing, would definitely read again.

Mods, I think we are done here so if you would be so kind as to stick a fork in the thread please.

We have decided that we are going to attend at least one more mass by the priest and decide after that what to do but the gut feeling is that we are going to stick with him and hope for the best.

Thanks to those that actually tried to add something to the thread.

AnonoBoy

lazygal wrote: »

I do remember two sermons. One was a rant about gay marriage around the time of civil partnerships being introduced and the other was a serious warning about drink driving and people being killed on the roads. Who says romance is dead?!

Point is you were able to understand them.

I'm not a member of the church but have heard some lovely sermons at weddings over the years myself. Just because you aren't a fan doesn't mean the OP and their partner wouldn't want to understand what's being said about them on their wedding day.

fits

I know its a contradiction but my point was that some non native English speakers are not used to hearing an Irish accent like mine and take time to 'tune in'. The same might work in reverse too for your priest. I spend a lot of time giving lectures and would be disappointed if people didn't hire me because of the accent they are not used to. I honestly don't know how much goes over peoples heads.

December2012

Perhaps if you have a relative that was hard of heaing such strong pronunciation would be a problem?

Maybe a clearer speaker would help in that situation; you could express this concern to the secretary and see what they say.

jackofalltrades

I think being able to understand what your Priest is saying is a reasonable request.
It's a wedding mass, so there's going to be a fair bit of participation from yourselves and others.
If people can't understand what the priest is saying, then they're going to struggle to know what's going on.

I can't really give you any practical advice on it, hope it works out for both of you.

Wabbit Ears

I wonder how often the parish secretary has had a variation of this conversation. I'd imagine a fair number of brides and grooms have 'had a quiet word' due to their drawing of the short straw. Wonder how many different versions of the reasoning why this priest isn't right for them has she heard.

Liam McPoyle

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

I wonder how often the parish secretary has had a variation of this conversation. I'd imagine a fair number of brides and grooms have 'had a quiet word' due to their drawing of the short straw. Wonder how many different versions of the reasoning why this priest isn't right for them has she heard.

We've wondered that ourselves tbh. I genuinely feel bad for thinking about asking for a change but like I said in a previous post, we want it to go as smoothly as possible and we do want to be fully able to understand what he is saying.

Can you imagine if either of us had to ask him to repeat something that we didn't catch or couldn't make out?

username000

Business Cat wrote: »

We've wondered that ourselves tbh. I genuinely feel bad for thinking about asking for a change but like I said in a previous post, we want it to go as smoothly as possible and we do want to be fully able to understand what he is saying.

Can you imagine if either of us had to ask him to repeat something that we didn't catch or couldn't make out?

I'm sure if your attitude IRL is as reasonable as it is on this thread you will have no problem explaining that you don't want the foreign priest.

Best of luck!

Electric Sheep

AnonoBoy wrote: »

Not really true. Priests often give sermons they write themselves at weddings. You can't follow that along in a booklet.

The ceremony is long enough without a sermon.

Liam McPoyle

username000 wrote: »

I'm sure if your attitude IRL is as reasonable as it is on this thread you will have no problem explaining that you don't want the foreign priest.

Best of luck!

10/10.

Would definitely read again.

AnonoBoy

Electric Sheep wrote: »

The ceremony is long enough without a sermon.

Actually it's probably a homily I mean rather than a sermon.

Is that the right term?

jackofalltrades

AnonoBoy wrote: »

Actually it's probably a homily I mean rather than a sermon.

Is that the right term?

If you're talking about the bit in the middle, after the gospel, where the priest "freestyles" then that's the homily.
Sermon can be used to describe the above as well.

marialouise

jackofalltrades wrote: »

If you're talking about the bit in the middle, after the gospel, where the priest "freestyles" then that's the homily.
Sermon can be used to describe the above as well.

Freestyles!!!! Haha ❤️

Toots

Pretty sure the OP came on here asking for advice, not to be antagonised and called a racist.

username000 I see that you are new to the site. I recommend that you have a good read through the Charter for this forum, and make sure that any future posts you make here are in keeping with the rules. A few of our more seasoned posters would do well to have a re-read of it also.

Just to be clear, anyone who continues to post in an unhelpful, antagonistic manner will be infracted.

Business Cat, if you want me to close the thread just let me know - drop me a PM or report this post, and I'll close it.