Potential issue with priest

Liam McPoyle · 03-02-2015 11:19AM #1

Hi all.

I'm just looking for some advice / thoughts on something that is causing fiancé and I a bit of anxiety.

In the parish we are getting married in, there are 4 or 5 priests that divide up the weddings between themselves at the beginning of the year.

We got the name of ours and went along to Sunday mass to see what he was like etc. Turns out he is a non native English speaker and as a result he has a very thick accent, so thick that we both had difficulty understanding him at mass and we had to listen to a voice mail 3 times before we could pick up what he said.

The ceremony is pretty important to us, herself in particular, and we are are worried that as a result of the priests accent it would 1) mean that the attendees and ourselves won't be able to understand him clearly on the day and 2) the video of the ceremony will not pick it up either. It's not like we would be watching it regularly or anything but it would be nice if we could dig it out I years to come for a trip down memory lane.

So my question is, if we ask for a different priest are we being arseholes and if we are to ask for a different one, how would be broach the subject?

Any thoughts appreciated as it's causing a bit of stress.

polydactyl · 03-02-2015 12:43PM

Do you know a priest? Could you ask if your "own" priest could do it instead as a personal favour? We had a family friend perform out wedding not for any reason like yours but it meant a lot to my husband family and the local priest had absolutely no problem with it at all. I figure he was thrilled he had a Sat free

kildareash · 03-02-2015 12:57PM

Is there a parish secretary or somewhere you can go to discuss your concerns?

How did you book your wedding in the parish initially?

Your issue is with not understanding him, which is legit, so I wouldn't think you were being assholes by wanting someone else to officiate at your wedding.
If his accent is that strong, it's probably something they have come across before.

Good luck!

Liam McPoyle · 03-02-2015 01:53PM

kildareash wrote: »

Is there a parish secretary or somewhere you can go to discuss your concerns?

How did you book your wedding in the parish initially?

Your issue is with not understanding him, which is legit, so I wouldn't think you were being assholes by wanting someone else to officiate at your wedding.
If his accent is that strong, it's probably something they have come across before.

Good luck!

Aye, a lot of it has been through the parish secretary alright. I think I will give her a shout and discuss with her our concerns.

I just don't want to be seen as been feckin racist of something like that!

Thanks for the replies.

kildareash · 03-02-2015 01:57PM

Business Cat wrote: »

Aye, a lot of it has been through the parish secretary alright. I think I will give her a shout and discuss with her our concerns.

I just don't want to be seen as been feckin racist of something like that!

Thanks for the replies.

It's all about how you approach it...personally I wouldn't start with "we want a new priest"
I'd just explain it how you did here.
I think there are certain situations where the softly, softly approach works better than all guns blazing.

If there are a few priests in the parish, I can't imagine it would be much of an issue to change and it's not as if you are specifically requesting a particular one.

username000 · 03-02-2015 02:04PM

Clearly the Church feels he is capable of saying mass and officiating at Catholic ceremonies.

What exactly would you feel you didnt understand on the day - you will have a mass booklet so everything that is a part of the ceremony will be written down in that. And if he says a few words about you, it will be words that you have provided so it isnt like he will be talking about new aspects of your relationship or personalities!

You could just as easily be assigned an Irish priest who is old and mumbly or someone who is a native english speaker but who has a thick accent like Glaswegian or something.

Liam McPoyle · 03-02-2015 02:35PM

username000 wrote: »

Clearly the Church feels he is capable of saying mass and officiating at Catholic ceremonies.

What exactly would you feel you didnt understand on the day - you will have a mass booklet so everything that is a part of the ceremony will be written down in that. And if he says a few words about you, it will be words that you have provided so it isnt like he will be talking about new aspects of your relationship or personalities!

You could just as easily be assigned an Irish priest who is old and mumbly or someone who is a native english speaker but who has a thick accent like Glaswegian or something.

I didn't say we wanted a native English speaker, I said he isn't a native English and had a thick accent that we have difficulty understanding, there is a pretty big difference. It would be exactly the same if it was a native English speaker we couldn't understand. We should not be expected to have to rely on a booklet to be able to follow our own wedding ceremony and it's absolute nonsense to suggest we should.

Nice try at implying something else though, if you have nothing to add but insinuations then kindly keep them to yourself, yeah.

username000 · 03-02-2015 02:41PM

Business Cat wrote: »

Nice try at implying something else though, if you have nothing to add but insinuations then kindly keep them to yourself, yeah.

No idea what youre talking about, perhaps your own paranoia is a reflection of something you see in yourself.

Im still not clear on what there is to "follow" in the marriage ceremony. A printed version will be available for you to read (you will be the one who decides what readings etc are used). Its mass with a catholic marriage ceremony. Surely if you are having a Catholic wedding you are familiar with the general layout of mass? And you will have practiced the marriage ceremony part with the priest. What cant you follow?

pooch90 · 03-02-2015 02:56PM

Of course you want to be able to understand what is being said in your own wedding ceremony without having to read it from the booklet! That's a silly thing to say.

Wabbit Ears · 03-02-2015 02:57PM

I got married abroad and me and my family had zero understanding of what the priest was saying but catholic masses are all repeats and no one had a problem with it. I was also at a wedding of a family member in Roscommon where the priest is from Africa ( no idea specifically where) and does mass in a really think accent. He also did a relatives funeral. I have no idea what he said but everyone local says hes a lovely fella and everyone seem to just accept him, and we are talking proper Roscommon country folk which surprised me as I was expecting some grumbles from the haters but there was none.

also, sounds like this isn't your parish, in fact, sounds like its neither of your parish?

username000 · 03-02-2015 03:03PM

pooch90 wrote: »

Of course you want to be able to understand what is being said in your own wedding ceremony without having to read it from the booklet! That's a silly thing to say.

Well I really meant to read and familiarise yourself with beforehand. Seeing as the couple design the mass and marriage ceremony themselves - youd want to be fairly un-involved to not know or understand what was going on.

You dont show up on the day to a surprise ceremony. Its actually planned by the couple and they choose the readings etc...

skallywag · 03-02-2015 03:15PM

Business Cat wrote: »

Nice try at implying something else though, if you have nothing to add but insinuations then kindly keep them to yourself, yeah.

I see no insinuations whatsoever in username000's response.

Can you please clarify?

lazygal · 03-02-2015 03:24PM

pooch90 wrote: »

Of course you want to be able to understand what is being said in your own wedding ceremony without having to read it from the booklet! That's a silly thing to say.

TBH every Catholic wedding I've been to has been the same, and I read along with the booklet to keep up, so I don't see the big issue here. Even as a godless heathen I can manage to figure out what's going on, and surely the couple would know the format of a catholic ceremony if they're having a church wedding?

kandr10 · 03-02-2015 03:33PM

Honestly I see no I insinuation in what above poster has said. Understandably you don't want to come across the wrong way but you so easily will in this situation. Bear in mind also that phone conversations/ voicemails can be difficult to understand for any number of reasons and aren't necessarily representative of how this priest always speaks. Perhaps if you both met with him in person on wedding business or hang back after mass to have a chat with him you might get on a bit better.
The only way not to offend otherwise is to request a particular priest that might be known to either of you. I'd tread carefully though.

Addle · 03-02-2015 03:36PM

It might be the makings of the ceremony, inject a bit if humour into it!

Sherlof3 · 03-02-2015 03:55PM

Hi there - totally appreciate your concerns and it is a tricky situation - I would agree that sensitively approach it with the parish secretary and then if there's no leeway then have a think about bringing your own priest.

Good luck!

Meathlass · 03-02-2015 06:06PM

If the wedding ceremony is so important to you and your partner then presumably you have your own priest that you go to every Sunday who can officiate?

An Bhanríon · 03-02-2015 06:10PM

I would try a word in the ear of the parish secretary. Best of luck. I wouldn't be too happy with that situation either. It's a tricky one!

The other option, of course, would be to get a priest from outside the parish. But that does depend on who you know. It would be worth asking around your family and friends, though. You never know who might know a priest who would do your wedding.

We were lucky that we knew our priest and that he was available to do our wedding. We had seen him do many masses and we knew he would do a lovely wedding mass. And it DOES make a difference which priest does your mass.

fits · 03-02-2015 06:16PM

Hmm I think its a bit off tbh. If he can say a mass why can't he do a wedding ceremony? They really are all the same so I don't see why it matters so much. I agree it could just as easily be a mumbler. This is sort of the deal with the rcc. You take what you are given. My sister had a lad with severe mental issues and we were terrified he'd go off on one, but we couldn't ask the curate to do it as the pp had the say.

I work in an international environment and have to consciously moderate my accent and modify my language and would be very upset if at the receiving end of something like this. I'm also very accepting of all the colours of the rainbow where accents are concerned.

username000 · 03-02-2015 06:19PM

An Bhanríon wrote: »

And it DOES make a difference which priest does your mass.

Well of course it does, but if you are not bringing a priest that you actually know and are just accepting whoever the parish assigns, then I dont think the guys accent is a reason to have an issue with him. What if they complain and get a different one and he turns out to be dour, or a mumbler? The point is - if they dont know any of them, one is as good as another. The priest is there to do a job, his accent should be irrelevant.

It comes off as shallow at best and racist at worst.

lazygal · 03-02-2015 06:22PM

An Bhanríon wrote: »

And it DOES make a difference which priest does your mass.

Are couples allowed to pick and choose? I would've thought the main thing is having a priest conduct the wedding sacrament, not how its delivered, if you are having a church wedding. All Catholic weddings have melted into one for me, so I can't see the issue here, the format is the same no matter what.

Dolbert · 03-02-2015 06:31PM

This does strike me as being quite bride/groomzilla-ish, as though the problem is that the priest's accent doesn't 'fit' with the wedding

Sorry.

lazygal · 03-02-2015 06:36PM

Dolbert wrote: »

This does strike me as being quite bride/groomzilla-ish, as though the problem is that the priest's accent doesn't 'fit' with the wedding Sorry.

Not a very Christian attitude towards the priest, one might say.

Wabbit Ears · 03-02-2015 06:45PM

You don't get to chose the priest if its not your own parish, and even then its at the parish priests discretion.

Here Comes The Trio · 03-02-2015 07:06PM

Ah now, you're getting some really narky replies and I don't see why!
Having been to about 50 weddings last year I think it does make a difference who says the ceremony. Yes, it's about the marriage, but some ceremonies stand out to me as being a bit more memorable than others, and you want to be totally comfortable throughout the ceremony too. I know the ceremony layout by heart, and most of the wording, I still would find it a bit awkward if it was very hard to understand, or if guests' heads are buried in booklets the entire time.
These comments about "surely since you care so much about the ceremony you have your own priest who you see every Sunday" are really not helpful IMO...
Anyway I just wanted to say I think you are entitled to not have to struggle to understand 90 mins of your own wedding, if the accent is as difficult as you say it is I would have a word with the secretary anyway. Good luck!

username000 · 03-02-2015 07:30PM

Personally if I was the secretary I would not entertain someone requesting a different priest because the originally assigned one had the "wrong" accent.

Here Comes The Trio · 03-02-2015 07:34PM

username000 wrote: »

Personally if I was the secretary I would not entertain someone requesting a different priest because the originally assigned one had the "wrong" accent.

The OP hasn't said it's the "wrong" accent. They said it's very difficult to understand. I personally don't feel it's too much to ask that they be comfortable with who marries them on the day.

username000 · 03-02-2015 07:42PM

Here Comes The Trio wrote: »

The OP hasn't said it's the "wrong" accent. They said it's very difficult to understand. I personally don't feel it's too much to ask that they be comfortable with who marries them on the day.

Would they reject the pope over his accent I wonder?

Of course it's the "wrong" accent, if it was the right one they wouldn't be rejecting him! I highly doubt they will get to pick and choose tbh, it's not a personality contest and unless you are bringing a priest you have a relationship with you just get whoever is available to do the job on the day. The priest is doing a job, not entertaining an audience. So long as he is capable of officiating a wedding I'd say they'll be told that that's it. I would hope so too.

lazygal · 03-02-2015 07:49PM

Here Comes The Trio wrote: »

The OP hasn't said it's the "wrong" accent. They said it's very difficult to understand. I personally don't feel it's too much to ask that they be comfortable with who marries them on the day.

That isn't a church wedding protocol is it though? Picking the priest you like the sound of the best? All Catholic wedding ceremonies are exactly the same, no matter how couples like to think how personal they are, so its neither here nor there what the priest sounds like. Surely the important thing for a catholic couple is the fact that a priest is officiating as they partake of the sacrament of marriage, and worldly things like accent are not a concern?
If I wanted someone who was a brilliant speaker to marry me I'd pay a celebrant of my own choosing to marry me. We did, and he did a great job.

seventeen sheep · 03-02-2015 07:50PM

I reckon try to attend a couple of masses said by the other priests in the church. Decide on one you'd like. Then ring the secretary raving about how impressed you were with his sermon, and is there any way at all he might be able to do your wedding, as you feel it would make the ceremony so much more special. That way you're not being in any way negative about the original priest.

I think your concern is perfectly valid, by the way.

Here Comes The Trio · 03-02-2015 07:55PM

username000 wrote: »

Would they reject the pope over his accent I wonder?

Of course it's the "wrong" accent, if it was the right one they wouldn't be rejecting him! I highly doubt they will get to pick and choose tbh, it's not a personality contest and unless you are bringing a priest you have a relationship with you just get whoever is available to do the job on the day. The priest is doing a job, not entertaining an audience. So long as he is capable of officiating a wedding I'd say they'll be told that that's it. I would hope so too.

Yeah I mostly agree, I dunno I guess I just feel for the OP, but like you said earlier we don't know that a new priest wouldn't be a mumbler either. I know he's doing "a job" but that's a whole other debate that I don't wish to have...

lazygal wrote: »

All Catholic wedding ceremonies are exactly the same, no matter how couples like to think how personal they are, so its neither here nor there what the priest sounds like.

Again I know it's just my opinion, but I have to disagree with that.

Potential issue with priest

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