Having a girl over for first time need advice.

the nikkei is rising · 12-01-2015 1:11am #1

A girl I've been seeing for a while now is coming over to my place to chill for the first time tomorrow, I dress exceptionally well and drive a nice car but the car was a gift the the clothes are the fruits of a part time job I no longer have. I only moved into this new pad last week and it's terribly under furnished. I have built a certain image and I don't want her to be turned off when she enters the poverty zone, it will be a few months before I have the capital raised to furnish this place to my taste so I don't have any other options.

I was thinking I could tell her I was waiting to have stuff delivered from Switzerland or some other trendy country (France is very in right now as well) and then further obscure my current cash flow issues trough an elaborate story.

I was thinking that I would make a mess in the toilet but as she is walking in to use it I will charge in ahead of her and act totally disgusted and claim the package in the bowl was made not by me but my maid. I would then ring 'the maid' (played on the phone by my sister or one of her friends ((who are all part of the gaiety school of acting))(((not related to the gaiety theatre))) and 'fire' her for making a mess of my toilet.

The purpose of this yarn would be twofold 1) it would show that I have a maid and nobody with cash flow problems would ever hire one 2) it would show I value cleanliness as a virtue 3) it would show I have an authoritative streak which would ease her mind even if she was in fact suspicious of my cash flow situation as no man with such authority and clarity of action would ever be subject to cash flow issues for long.

What says after hours to my plan? The only accomplice I require is the credulity of a beautiful girl and I promise on my honour I will reveal my treachery should I ever seek her hand in marriage.

comewatmay · 12-01-2015 1:15am

How do you plan on disguising that you are a full gob****e?

The Backwards Man · 12-01-2015 1:16am

You could tell her the truth.

I'm no expert on women, but I believe they 'dig' that from time to time.

Riesen_Meal · 12-01-2015 1:16am

Fúck her right in the pussy....

highgiant1985 · 12-01-2015 1:16am

you are certainly a special catch... what a lucky girl... :rolleyes:

honestly just be honest and cut the bull crap.

AndonHandon · 12-01-2015 1:18am

Even if it was your maid who laid an Eton mess in the toilet, it would freak out the girl (presuming she is classy and well-heeled). As an alternative you could have a dump in your kettle pre-prepared and when she comes over, offer her coffee and boil the dump in the kettle. Serve it to her and when she tastes it and barfs you should, eyes rolling, comment "it's organic, I don't 'do' processed".

macyard · 12-01-2015 1:18am

the nikkei is rising wrote: »

A girl I've been seeing for a while now is coming over to my place to chill for the first time tomorrow, I dress exceptionally well and drive a nice car but the car was a gift the the clothes are the fruits of a part time job I no longer have. I only moved into this new pad last week and it's terribly under furnished. I have built a certain image and I don't want her to be turned off when she enters the poverty zone, it will be a few months before I have the capital raised to furnish this place to my taste so I don't have any other options.

I was thinking I could tell her I was waiting to have stuff delivered from Switzerland or some other trendy country (France is very in right now as well) and then further obscure my current cash flow issues trough an elaborate story.

I was thinking that I would make a mess in the toilet but as she is walking in to use it I will charge in ahead of her and act totally disgusted and claim the package in the bowl was made not by me but my maid. I would then ring 'the maid' (played on the phone by my sister or one of her friends ((who are all part of the gaiety school of acting))(((not related to the gaiety theatre))) and 'fire' her for making a mess of my toilet.

The purpose of this yarn would be twofold 1) it would show that I have a maid and nobody with cash flow problems would ever hire one 2) it would show I value cleanliness as a virtue 3) it would show I have an authoritative streak which would ease her mind even if she was in fact suspicious of my cash flow situation as no man with such authority and clarity of action would ever be subject to cash flow issues for long.

What says after hours to my plan? The only accomplice I require is the credulity of a beautiful girl and I promise on my honour I will reveal my treachery should I ever seek her hand in marriage.

Tell her the truth if you lie it could be considered rape if she sleeps with you and she consented on the lie you gave.

Not worth going to jail over

shamrock55 · 12-01-2015 1:18am

I have some advice for you - stop being a gob****e!!

AndonHandon · 12-01-2015 1:19am

macyard wrote: »

Tell her the truth if you lie it could be considered rape if she sleeps with you and she consented on the lie you gave.

Not worth going to jail over

It's not rape if she isn't aware of it. Rohypnol OP.

The Strawman Argument · 12-01-2015 1:20am

Jesus, your maid plan sounds like something George Costanza would do...

neil_ · 12-01-2015 1:20am

comewatmay wrote: »

How do you plan on disguising that you are a full gob****e?

The Backwards Man wrote: »

You could tell her the truth.

I'm no expert on women, but I believe they 'dig' that from time to time.

highgiant1985 wrote: »

you are certainly a special catch... what a lucky girl... :rolleyes:

honestly just be honest and cut the bull crap.

Lads, I reckon he's joking. It's the utterly absurd horse**** that gives it away.

mfergus · 12-01-2015 1:20am

Try get as many fingers in as possible. They love that

macyard · 12-01-2015 1:20am

AndonHandon wrote: »

It's not rape if she isn't aware of it. Rohypnol OP.

If he outright lies about the furniture coming when it's not she is not fully aware and it is rape.

the nikkei is rising · 12-01-2015 1:21am

macyard wrote: »

Tell her the truth if you lie it could be considered rape if she sleeps with you and she consented on the lie you gave.

Not worth going to jail over

Fraud as to my means cannot vitiate consent, I know this as I am a lawyer in training which also makes me unwilling to tell her the truth as my cash flow situation will likely resolve itself in the next month or two when I settle in my new position.

Mickey H · 12-01-2015 1:21am

OP, I'll leave this here.

AndonHandon · 12-01-2015 1:21am

macyard wrote: »

If he outright lies about the furniture coming when it's not she is not fully aware and it is rape.

What?

Honey Monster · 12-01-2015 1:22am

Op sounds like a complete bell.

Absoluvely · 12-01-2015 1:22am

the nikkei is rising wrote: »

The purpose of this yarn would be twofold 1) it would show that I have a maid and nobody with cash flow problems would ever hire one 2) it would show I value cleanliness as a virtue 3) it would show I have an authoritative streak which would ease her mind even if she was in fact suspicious of my cash flow situation as no man with such authority and clarity of action would ever be subject to cash flow issues for long.

You count real real good.

macyard · 12-01-2015 1:23am

the nikkei is rising wrote: »

Fraud as to my means cannot vitiate consent, I know this as I am a lawyer in training which also makes me unwilling to tell her the truth as my cash flow situation will likely resolve itself in the next month or two when I settle in my new position.

I hope you get to test that in a court of law, the law alway side with us

Panda_Turtle · 12-01-2015 1:23am

Tell her its just a temporary arrangement and your awaiting the keys for your new pad on killiney hill

the nikkei is rising · 12-01-2015 1:23am

Absoluvely wrote: »

You count real real good.

Trifold would be an awfully hackneyed neologism, I outright refuse to employ it.

catallus · 12-01-2015 1:24am

The Backwards Man wrote: »

You could tell her the truth.

I'm no expert on women, but I believe they 'dig' that from time to time.

Whatever the OP does, this is not an option.

NO GOOD can EVER come from the truth!!!!!

Absoluvely · 12-01-2015 1:25am

the nikkei is rising wrote: »

Trifold would be an awfully hackneyed neologism, I outright refuse to employ it.

Is basic mathematics hackneyed too?

macyard · 12-01-2015 1:26am

AndonHandon wrote: »

What?

He is using fraud to to sleep with her buy falsifying his means, she cannot consent on a lie so it's rape.

He is coning her into having sex with him cause she thinks he is well off but he really is poor and has nothing to offer

The Backwards Man · 12-01-2015 1:26am

neil_ wrote: »

Lads, I reckon he's joking. It's the utterly absurd horse**** that gives it away.

Yeah, I guess you're right. She'd cop right away that the maid would use the staff toilet, completely absurd.

Anyhoo, here's some real advice, sing this to her and quit your notions.

Before you take another step, there's something you should know
About the years ahead and how they'll be
You'll be living in a world where roses hardly ever grow
'Cause all I have to offer you is me

There'll be no mansion waiting on the hill with crystal chandeliers
And there'll be no fancy clothes for you to wear
Everything I have is standing here in front of you to see
All I have to offer you is me

the nikkei is rising · 12-01-2015 1:28am

Look I know a relationship built on foundations of untruth is unlikely to bear fruit but I do truly have feelings for this girl and would hate for my interim situation to sully her opinion of my irreconcilably.

My novel is being considered by several publishers so it shouldn't be all that long before the cash begins to flow.

Bandito909 · 12-01-2015 1:30am

Stuff her full of bread.

RDM_83 again · 12-01-2015 1:33am

Tell her you've gutted the place because your flying in a Feng Shui expert from Hong Kong next week.
Also nothing says wealth like wearing a monocle

Larianne · 12-01-2015 1:34am

OP, go to bed. School in the morning.

the nikkei is rising · 12-01-2015 1:36am

RDM_83 again wrote: »

Tell her you've gutted the place because your flying in a Feng Shui expert from Hong Kong next week.
Also nothing says wealth like wearing a monocle

Heavens no!

There is a clear bias in favour of metropolitan 'nouveau riche' I must hide anything that would lead her to believe I am old money.

the nikkei is rising · 12-01-2015 1:38am

Larianne wrote: »

OP, go to bed. School in the morning.

From the evidence in this thread you can gather

I have purchased my own abode
I was and will be engaged in the legal profession
I have written a book
I am courting a beautiful girl

I am no child

WoollyRedHat · 12-01-2015 1:41am

the nikkei is rising wrote: »

From the evidence in this thread you can gather

I have purchased my own abode
I was and will be engaged in the legal profession
I have written a book
I am courting a beautiful girl

I am no child

What about delusional, you forgot about that. Say, do you like rabbits?

PizzamanIRL · 12-01-2015 1:42am

If anything, I'm impressed by your use of brackets in the OP.

PizzamanIRL · 12-01-2015 1:42am

By the way, is she a Brazilian model?

RDM_83 again · 12-01-2015 1:43am

the nikkei is rising wrote: »

Heavens no!

There is a clear bias in favour of metropolitan 'nouveau riche' I must hide anything that would lead her to believe I am old money.

Hmmm ok then, you should make sure to have a copy of Machiavelli's The Prince open on the table to show your all about power and improving your social position.
Also buy lots of "tasteful nude" Black and White posters

mfergus · 12-01-2015 1:44am

Larianne wrote: »

OP, go to bed. School in the morning.

I think he was already in bed, that's where this dream started...

FISMA · 12-01-2015 1:45am

Lay the gob on her asap.

If you talk like you write, you'll lose her before the kettle is boiled.

the nikkei is rising · 12-01-2015 1:46am

PizzamanIRL wrote: »

By the way, is she a Brazilian model?

No she's quite wonderful, I do not have the ability to describe her in words but the attempt of it warms my heart.

She has hair of silk coloured like dragonbone, cheekbones you could cut yourself on, a warm smile and the body of Athena herself. I do not doubt for a second the fire in her blood she is of the gentry in name and spirit and no doubt descends from the Queens of old.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 12-01-2015 1:48am

Do you know anybody with a swanky apartment you could borrow for the evening? Preferably while their mother in law (who is just DREADFUL) is also staying there, and you should schedule another date for the same night too for good measure. Then just watch a few episodes of frasier and you should be set for any and all eventualities

PizzamanIRL · 12-01-2015 1:49am

the nikkei is rising wrote: »

No she's quite wonderful, I do not have the ability to describe her in words but the attempt of it warms my heart.

She has hair of silk coloured like dragonbone, cheekbones you could cut yourself on, a warm smile and the body of Athena herself. I do not doubt for a second the fire in her blood she is of the gentry in name and spirit and no doubt descends from the Queens of old.

Ah yeah she sounds like a grand auld beoir.

the nikkei is rising · 12-01-2015 1:50am

Jeffrey Most Face wrote: »

Do you know anybody with a swanky apartment you could borrow for the evening? Preferably while their mother in law (who is just DREADFUL) is also staying there, and you should schedule another date for the same night too for good measure. Then just watch a few episodes of frasier and you should be set for any and all eventualities

That is all so very unworkable however I must commend your inventiveness and willingness to help even If it is tempered by impracticality.

AndonHandon · 12-01-2015 1:50am

the nikkei is rising wrote: »

Look I know a relationship built on foundations of untruth is unlikely to bear fruit but I do truly have feelings for this girl and would hate for my interim situation to sully her opinion of my irreconcilably.

My novel is being considered by several publishers so it shouldn't be all that long before the cash begins to flow.

If a white lie lead to getting more time with her where you could expose other elements of your personality which ends up leading to a long term relationship with her then go for it.

What area of the legal profession are you involved in?

macyard · 12-01-2015 1:52am

AndonHandon wrote: »

If a white lie lead to getting more time with her where you could expose other elements of your personality which ends up leading to a long term relationship with her then go for it.

What area of the legal profession are you involved in?

A lie that leads to sex is rape, his income is not a white lie it's a huge factor on if he can support her in the future

the nikkei is rising · 12-01-2015 1:52am

AndonHandon wrote: »

If a white lie lead to getting more time with her where you could expose other elements of your personality which ends up leading to a long term relationship with her then go for it.

What area of the legal profession are you involved in?

I'm a litigator in the corporate sphere, it's all very banal in truth, more 'Harvey Paperwork' than 'Harvey Specter.

OneArt · 12-01-2015 1:53am

I usually just pull the lever and burn the apartment whilst waiting five minutes for another.

Surely you've got another apartment as backup, no?

SimonTemplar · 12-01-2015 1:54am

Either the OP is joking or he is the type of person that would feature in an X-Files freak of the week episode.

The whole making a mess in the bathroom and blaming it on a fictional maid as a way of impressing a girl is just bat sh*t crazy!!

The other fella · 12-01-2015 1:55am

0

macyard wrote: »

If he outright lies about the furniture coming when it's not she is not fully aware and it is rape.

I thought the OP was the funniest thing i ever heard until i scrolled down and read this beaut of a post! Top drawer stuff.

the nikkei is rising · 12-01-2015 1:59am

SimonTemplar wrote: »

Either the OP is joking or he is the type of person that would feature in an X-Files freak of the week episode.

The whole making a mess in the bathroom and blaming it on a fictional maid as a way of impressing a girl is just bat sh*t crazy!!

I would sooner be found guilty of impropriety than feel the depth of loss that one may only discover through separation beyond one's control.

RobbingBandit · 12-01-2015 2:01am

Get someone to beat you up break a few things and say you were robbed, you can do it.

The other fella · 12-01-2015 2:04am

macyard wrote: »

Tell her the truth if you lie it could be considered rape if she sleeps with you and she consented on the lie you gave.

Not worth going to jail over

You dont happen to be the prosecutor in the Ched Evans case, no?

PizzamanIRL · 12-01-2015 2:04am

RobbingBandit wrote: »

Get someone to beat you up break a few things and say you were robbed, you can do it.

I volunteer.

Having a girl over for first time need advice.

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