Requesting guest specific gift.

ABajaninCork

Cake Guy is my hero Get in there!!!

Agent Smyth

I would love to know the full list of gifts they have asked for ??

I don't think its unreasonable for a couple to expect gifts from family and friends, to me this would seem normal,
But to specify a gift from a guest with out consulting or considering their personal circumstances is bad manners
If I was the OP or an invited guest I would not even RSVP, let them contact you

Gatica

Agent Smyth wrote: »

But to specify a gift from a guest with out consulting or considering their personal circumstances is bad manners

actually, they did try that:

Lau2976 wrote: »

didn't see any issue asking for it as she "knew" I was doing well at the moment.

Toots

Agent Smyth wrote: »

I would love to know the full list of gifts they have asked for ??

I don't think its unreasonable for a couple to expect gifts from family and friends, to me this would seem normal,
But to specify a gift from a guest with out consulting or considering their personal circumstances is bad manners
If I was the OP or an invited guest I would not even RSVP, let them contact you

I can safely say I would kill to see that list. Well, perhaps not kill, that's going a bit far. I could stretch to a maiming though!

I wonder did they have a special mathematical formula that they used to determine how much they'd charge each guest?

sunshine and showers

I'd love to see that list too!

People generally do like to give something when attending a wedding, so I can see the benefits of having a list of presents that you would like (and use) for your guests to look at (takes some of the guesswork out and the risk of two of the same thing or a pile of stuff that will sit in the cupboard forever). But Jesus, you'd have to have a very good selection of budgets considered on it and I'd never assign gifts to people!

Also, would it not be more appropriate to tell people about the list if they ask or be subtle and put he word out through family or friends that it exists?

Never organised a wedding or been to one where I wasn't with my parents!

amdublin

clint_silver wrote: »

Different strokes for different folks here. I personally am way happier when I get an invite with a "we'd prefer gifts of x" with an invite. People know you're going to give a gift of some sort. It's just perfect logic to me to make sure the gift is something you actually need.
Head over to adverts under the wedding section for pages and pages of presents for sale that aren't needed.
Instead of it being crass on the invite Id see it as saving people money getting the wrong thing. Each to their own though.

I prefer getting an invite where people say "we would like your presence rather than presents".

Tarzana2

clint_silver wrote: »

Different strokes for different folks here. I personally am way happier when I get an invite with a "we'd prefer gifts of x" with an invite. People know you're going to give a gift of some sort. It's just perfect logic to me to make sure the gift is something you actually need.

But sure, most people DO give money. So maybe do the classy thing and don't mention gifts at all?

If anyone was planning to give a gift other than money, some crass mention of 'cash only' on an invite won't sway them. And might indeed make them more likely to go with their original plan for a present.

Meangadh

I have had such a laugh reading the last few pages about the ridiculous acronyms and God did I need cheering up, so thanks everyone!

Delighted to hear about Cake Guy, maybe the greedy couple might start getting the hint now!

And despite the risk of sounding like a broken record: Mention of ANY gift on an invitation is unacceptable. Unless it happens to be to say you don't want them. But specifying gifts or money or gift registries or any of that- ugh. Get a grip. People mostly give money anyway, and if you get a gift that you don't like, so what. Boo hoo. I'm assuming you got a partner that you *do* like, and that should be enough.

Don't be so bloody patronising and selfish by mentioning gifts. This couple need a good dose of reality.

HiGlo

Apart from if/when I ask family members for ideas what to get them for Christmas or birthdays, I personally think it's completely inappropriate and rude to ask or indicate what you would like as a present from somebody. While I think the majority of guests going to a wedding will get a gift for the bride and groom I think it's at the guests own discretion what they get and how much they pay.

Even when the bride and groom ask for cash, I think that's crass. It is my own personal policy that I don't give ANYONE cash or vouchers as a gift. I am not their piggy bank for their lifestyle. I will always give a thoughtful, considered present. I There have been 2 weddings (out of maybe around 10 or 12) where I haven't actually given a gift. It isn't something I've intentionally done and one of the couples, I still intend on getting something for them - even though the wedding was last summer.

This couple seem to be completely beyond the comprehension of reality. Assessing a persons financial worth and then dictating what gift they should buy them for a wedding present is just bizzare behaviour and their explanation/justification for it is dumbfounding. Like, actually doing mathematical calculations on it?!?! WTF!

I'm so very, very glad the OP has declined the invitation and explained why, and that the cake man has also refused to comply with their demands.
You can only hope that somehow this couple get a reality check when they realise people's reactions, but unfortunately I doubt it.

HiGlo

clint_silver wrote: »

Different strokes for different folks here. I personally am way happier when I get an invite with a "we'd prefer gifts of x" with an invite. People know you're going to give a gift of some sort. It's just perfect logic to me to make sure the gift is something you actually need.
Head over to adverts under the wedding section for pages and pages of presents for sale that aren't needed.
Instead of it being crass on the invite Id see it as saving people money getting the wrong thing. Each to their own though.

HA!!!! I think we may have stumbled across our bride here.........

How is it saving people money by telling them what to buy? It's not as if those people will ever know it didn't meet your requirements :rolleyes:, or as if they have to go off out and buy you something else instead.... It's your problem, not theirs.


Gifts do not serve the purpose of supplying people with an inventory of items they need.:eek: There's a certain type of person that thinks like that and I'm so very glad that I don't know any of those people........

Tarzana2

Meangadh wrote: »

But specifying gifts or money or gift registries or any of that- ugh. Get a grip. People mostly give money anyway, and if you get a gift that you don't like, so what. Boo hoo.

This. Oh noes, I got a few gifts I don't want! What shall I do?

username000

I wouldn't even send an RSVP, just wouldn't turn up. Let them pay for the dinner that won't be eaten and have an empty chair messing with the seating plan.

Sligo1

username000 wrote: »

I wouldn't even send an RSVP, just wouldn't turn up. Let them pay for the dinner that won't be eaten and have an empty chair messing with the seating plan.

I would send them the rsvp and tell them I was going with plus 1! And then just wouldn't turn up (feign sickness on the day). That way they will be the ones out of pocket for my no show. mwahahahaha.

I would obviously never ever do this, only to maybe this couple. Their behaviour is truly disgusting.

athtrasna

Sligo1 wrote: »

I would send them the rsvp and tell them I was going with plus 1! And then just wouldn't turn up (feign sickness on the day). That way they will be the ones out of pocket for my no show. mwahahahaha.

I would obviously never ever do this, only to maybe this couple. Their behaviour is truly disgusting.

I'd put money on this couple sending an invoice like that birthday party thing in England

Sligo1

athtrasna wrote: »

I'd put money on this couple sending an invoice like that birthday party thing in England

I swear to god when I wrote that post I was going to say that! But I got busy at work. Lol.

clint_silver

HiGlo wrote: »

Gifts do not serve the purpose of supplying people with an inventory of items they need.:eek: There's a certain type of person that thinks like that and I'm so very glad that I don't know any of those people........

A gift like a birthday gift or something you get for someone who deserves something nice is one thing.

Wedding gifts, as Ive come to understand them, are something you get the Bridge and groom to help them start out on their journey in life together. Young couples have a an awful lot of "needs" that transcend the joyous coming together of their wedding day, if Im going to get someone something, Id much rather get something that will help them in life rather than a boxset of newbridge champagne flutes that will be up in the attic 2 weeks later or for sale on a second hand website.
Letting me know what that gift is, would seem to me to be a natural extension of that.

Gatica

Seeing as how wedding gifts have been traditional for a very long time, I have no problem with there being a gift registry in a reasonably priced store. People can choose to give a gift or not, but if they do at least they can get the B&G something they'd like from a wide range of budgets, from spoons to processors.
Weddings I've attended where they've had them, they were never in your face, you'd either check it out on a website or ask about it.

That is quite altogether different from someone deciding what your assigned budget is, and thus, accordingly the gift you should be getting them.

MistyCheese

clint_silver wrote: »

Wedding gifts, as Ive come to understand them, are something you get the Bridge and groom to help them start out on their journey in life together.

Yes. Precisely. That's exactly it. And as the norm these days is for a couple to live together for years, perhaps even have a few children, before marrying, most couples getting married do not need toasters or plates. For some that seems to mean that it's perfectly reasonable to ask for fancy, expensive things to upgrade their current homeware. For others, they decide it makes sense to ask for cash or a contribution towards jet-skiing on their honeymoon. Some people even consider it okay to ask for a bicycle for their child.

That's their perrogative. However, some people feel that it's rude to ask for a gift, any gift, including to ask for cash. And it's especially rude to specify a gift. Of course 'rude' is subjective. You don't think it's rude for a couple getting married to say "Here, we don't want champagne flutes. Could you get us (other thing) instead?" Obviously the couple who are the subjects of this thread don't consider that rude either. But a lot of posters here do.

And that is completely leaving aside the unique angle of this couple arbitrarily deciding that their guests should give them €250 but that amount may be lowered if the person can also contribute a 'service'. The value of the 'service' is determined completely by the couple and subtracted from the €250 with the remainder used to purchase a gift which the couple will specify.

Wow, that was clumsy enough to write out in a nutshell, imagine the work this couple will have had to actually go to in order to determine how much anyones 'service' is worth, then subtract that from the €250 and choose themselves (or their child) a gift to match the remaining amount.

hdowney

Cake Guy is da man. I LOVE this thread

Meangadh

Gatica wrote: »

Seeing as how wedding gifts have been traditional for a very long time, I have no problem with there being a gift registry in a reasonably priced store. People can choose to give a gift or not, but if they do at least they can get the B&G something they'd like from a wide range of budgets, from spoons to processors.
Weddings I've attended where they've had them, they were never in your face, you'd either check it out on a website or ask about it.

That is quite altogether different from someone deciding what your assigned budget is, and thus, accordingly the gift you should be getting them.

I agree that allowing people to choose is better than this particular situation on this thread- but I'm sorry, I'll never be ok with a mention of gifts on an invite. It's tacky, crass, needy and completely missing the point of a wedding. Yes, gifts are traditional- but it should be completely up to the guest. Feck the list. Feck what the Bride and Groom want. That's not why they're getting married, and personally I couldn't care less whether they get stuff they "want" or not. What they "want" is to get married. Anything extra on top of that is a bonus that they should accept with gratitude, even if it's a crappy tenth set of knives.

(Sorry I realise I'm an awful grump when it comes to this, but it's one of my biggest bug bears in the world!!)

Oryx

^^^^ We got six sets of steak knives when I got married. I was vegetarian at the time....

fits

Oryx wrote: »

^^^^ We got six sets of steak knives when I got married. I was vegetarian at the time....

I dunno. I really hate getting stuff we wont use. Eg. We got a present of an absolutely massive (think big ben) fake wood wallclock at christmas there. I dont even know what to do with it. I dont want anything from people and yet they feel it necessary to feed this mindless cycle of consumerism to buy people sh1te they dont want. Ireally would honestly prefer people to spend the money on themselves and enjoying the wedding than putting themselves under extra financial pressure to buy us stuff we dont want.

we will have a list and its ok too if people dont use it or dont give us anything.

Meangadh

fits wrote: »

I dunno. I really hate getting stuff we wont use. Eg. We got a present of an absolutely massive (think big ben) fake wood wallclock at christmas there. I dont even know what to do with it. I dont want anything from people and yet they feel it necessary to feed this mindless cycle of consumerism to buy people sh1te they dont want. Ireally would honestly prefer people to spend the money on themselves and enjoying the wedding than putting themselves under extra financial pressure to buy us stuff we dont want.

we will have a list and its ok too if people dont use it or dont give us anything.

Well if that truly was the case, you'd just tell people not to buy any presents.

But in fairness I do see where you're coming from in that the majority of the guests would buy you something anyway. I just think personally I'd just be sucking it up and just accepting the stuff I wouldn't use. Gifts just don't come into the equation at all for me, it'd be the last thing on my mind.

Sligo1

Meangadh wrote: »

Feck what the Bride and Groom want. That's not why they're getting married, and personally I couldn't care less whether they get stuff they "want" or not.

Why would you bother getting them anything if you couldn't care less what they want? I usually give cash but if I was going to get a couple a wedding gift i think I'd think long and hard about what they need. I'd 'try' at the very least to think of something I know they wouldnt get 10 of like glasses or frames. Well that's what my mum taught me to do anyway when buying a gift. She would always put lots of thought into it.

If I couldn't give a toss about what the couple would like... Well Tbh they would probably mean so little to me that I wouldn't bother even going to the wedding...

fits

Meangadh wrote: »

Well if that truly was the case, you'd just tell people not to buy any presents.

But in fairness I do see where you're coming from in that the majority of the guests would buy you something anyway. I just think personally I'd just be sucking it up and just accepting the stuff I wouldn't use. Gifts just don't come into the equation at all for me, it'd be the last thing on my mind.

I really can't stick waste or clutter. And there is absolutely no point in telling some family members not to buy presents. So a list is the lesser of two evils I think. Our wedding guests will be 75% family at least.

Meangadh

Sligo1 wrote: »

Why would you bother getting them anything if you couldn't care less what they want? I usually give cash but if I was going to get a couple a wedding gift i think I'd think long and hard about what they need. I'd 'try' at the very least to think of something I know they wouldnt get 10 of like glasses or frames. Well that's what my mum taught me to do anyway when buying a gift. She would always put lots of thought into it.

If I couldn't give a toss about what the couple would like... Well Tbh they would probably mean so little to me that I wouldn't bother even going to the wedding...

Ah no that's not what I meant- I actually pretty much always try to buy thoughtful gifts for weddings and also give some cash. What I mean is, if someone dictated to me on the invitation what they "want", it would really piss me off. Why should I, or the guests, have anything to do with what they want? I mean obviously you'd try to get them something you think they'd want, but it shouldn't be dictated to you what that is. It's not a day for collecting presents, what they "want" shouldn't come into it at all. It should be what the guests want to give them. And yeah, whilst I'd still attend the wedding, it would leave a sour taste in my mouth.

I mean obviously this thread is the extreme side of that, but I honestly have no idea how that couple has such neck.

polydactyl

We had a wedding list when we got married as one half of the family were very into "gifts" and we saw a lot of crystal being bought before which we had no time or use for so we had the list. Prices ranged from 2euro to 300 but the 300 was split into 6 so really 2 euro to 50. Only ppl who asked if there was a list got told, no mention of it in invite and it worked a charm. We got gifts we wanted but we still got a few off list shockers but with those the thought and sentiment was every bit as appreciated as those on the list. You can hope for gifts I think but never ask unless people ask you first.


Also cake guy rocks

Toots

^^
That sort of list is what I think works out really well - it's stuff the couple actually want, but all budgets are catered for. If someone said to me "my gift registry is at XYZ", I'd be delighted to pick one big thing, or a few smaller bits and make a hamper. However if someone said to me "Get me a €200 stand mixer." they'd be getting nothing. I'd be sorely tempted to send them a poop in a shoe-box, but I'd settle with nothing. Wouldn't want people to think I'm crazy.

Purple Mountain

Is the €250 per couple??
What about us sad singletons with no +1?!!

Lau2976

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Is the €250 per couple??
What about us sad singletons with no +1?!!

I Wasn't given a plus one option. They have me on their "single and ready to mingle list" and yes, it's an actual, written down, printed list.