parents swearing at their kids

Robsweezie

it's a tough one for me. on the one hand I think you should never take crap off your kid and put them in their place when they're genuinely being a little ****.

but swearing...I just don't know. maybe I'm a bit naive as I'm not a parent myself and can't empathise with the struggles of it. I think there could be better ways of communicating to a child but I can understand them blowing off steam.

there's been a couple of times in shopping centres I've noticed it happening, I'm sure you all have. one man dragged his little daughter up and told her to "get up off the ****ing ground" she seemed upset but perhaps was just whinging. another time a man swore at his daughter for standing in front of a novelty Christmas train as it passed through the centre telling her to "get out of the ****ing way". she was a toddler if I remember correctly, not sure.

this other guy laid into his son telling him he was "12 years old and acting like a ****ing baby" in front of a good few of us in a small but packed shop. his other small child was nagging him as he fiddled his wallet. he sounded like a stereotypical junkie if I'm honest(sorry for the judgment or to sound snobby, not my intention )

this all took place over Christmas shopping so I could understand the stress, but it just feels disheartening to see it happening in front of you, uncomfortable even. I know you shouldn't pussyfoot around them though.

what you think?

seventeen sheep

Well I'm pretty sure that even those who do it wouldn't agree that it's a good parenting method, or a good example to be setting for the child.

When I see something like that happening, I always just hope that it's a once-off where the parent is at the end of their tether. Rather than a regular thing.

I'd never intervene, but I wouldn't be one to throw dirty looks at the parent either. "Judge not lest ye be judged", and all that ... No parent is perfect, and you might have just caught them on a bad day.

osarusan

It's purely out of frustration, with nothing positive coming from it.

Those kids will probably end up swearing as their parent did, and getting shouted at for doing so.

Optimalprimerib

Each to their own tbh. It has become such a nanny state with every tom dick and harry judging how you mind your kid, it will get to a point where you cannot discipline your child in any manner in the fear of social services coming to your door.

Ihatecuddles

I hate seeing it, my mam used to swear at me the odd time and it always made me upset. Even when I was out with friends I'd get upset if one of them cursed, it reminded me of how small I felt when the words were said with venom.

If my husband ever swears at me I still get upset, and he swears about once every few months and there's no venom behind it.

I've never lost my tether and cursed at my son, I hope I never do either. Never agreed with hitting kids or shouting at them.

Akrasia

Swear words aren't the issue, it's name calling or humiliating behaviour towards children that is the real problem

If a child is being a brat and won't obey simple instructions it's not much different to say to the child 'For the last time, get into the car' compared with 'for the last time, get into the fecking car' or 'for the last time get into the f*cking car'

Obviously, not swearing is better because of social attitudes, but you can completely avoid any swear words and do much more damage to a child. Calling a child useless or stupid or lazy can lead to loss of confidence and other issues if it is repeated and re-inforced often enough

Rosy Posy

I'll admit to having sworn in front of my kids on occasion (dropping the dinner on my foot and other such incidents), although I'm getting good at substitutions- fluich, motherlover, and various spells from Harry Potter get trotted out- but I don't think I've sworn at them (in their earshot anyway!). In the situations you're describing I don't think it would do anything to improve the situation and would most likely make it worse. For me the bad thing about kids in a shopping nightmare misbehaviour situation is that people look at you and judge you. If you start cursing your kids out the focus goes from bad kid to bad parent. I try to minimise the shopping trips I need to take with kids in tow (try to do swops with friends or go when they're at school) but if I do have to bring them all I start out by telling them where we have to go and what we have to do and promise them some kind of treat at the end if they can behave. If they start acting up in the shop they get reminded that what they're doing is not the behaviour that's expected of them. If they don't stop doing whatever it is that they're doing they don't get the treat. If they still don't comply we leave the shop and go home in disgrace. This has only happened a couple of times and not for ages. Once they know you're going to follow through they learn very quickly and the older ones help to keep the younger ones in check because everyone's reward is dependent on everyone's good behaviour. Much more effective than swearing, without being soft. Imo swearing at kids is already a win for them (or a loss for you) as you're admitting that you don't have control.

Teyla Emmagan

Really negative and damaging way to speak to your children in my opinion. Denotes how poor and lazy the swearer's parenting skills are. And how then is the unfortunate child supposed to learn how to express themselves and communicate with others? As well as having their self worth annihilated. How good can your life be when the person who is supposed to love you most speaks to you like you are dirt? It's abuse.

I would have absolutely zero respect for anyone who swears at a child.

lertsnim

I'd have no issue with swear words being used in the vicinity of a child. I do however have an issue when it is a parent using insulting and belittling words towards a child.

ivytwine

I saw a couple recently with two kids- maybe 10 and 8- the two boys were horsing around but doing no harm as far as I could see. The father kept swearing at the older one "you're such a f**king bully, leave him the f**k alone" and then the mother joined in.

Kids with those kind of parents have no chance

Dravokivich

I'm a believer that use of words is generally about the context. Doesn't matter what the words are be they swear words or not. The examples in the OP appear to emphasize the urgency of what is being said. There are other ways of handling it, which could be just as definitive, by stating "now!" after telling a child what to do. But it's more so the tone overall the child is going to pick up on. I don't think there'd be much difference to the child between the use of the swear word, or stating "now!" in that regards.

Akrasia

I've never sworn at my children but they think the word 'sake' is a swear word'

Scenario: I'm helping child one with something while child two climbs onto the kitchen table behind my back and empties out an entire box of cereal onto the floor'

Scenario 2: We're all eating our dinner together as a family and a toddler keeps squirming out of her child seat restraints and standing up in her chair (dangerous because she could fall out)

While you're trying to get her to sit down, another child spills her glass of milk covering the whole table and dripping onto the floor


the scenarios above happen multiple times in similar forms every single day in every house where there are multiple young children.

Any exasperated parent will verbalise his/her frustration and when a child is too young to properly reason with, then changing the tone of voice is the only way to communicate urgency.

'Ah for feck sake' Guys, everyone, just do what you're told!' is not an abusive response to the frustration involved with herding cats (also known as raising young children)

looking_around

it's what is actually said that matters rather than the words being used to say it, imo.

my mother rarely ever swore. it's "vulgar and uneducated". didn't stop her belittling me and making me feel worthless though.

Egginacup

looking_around wrote: »

it's what is actually said that matters rather than the words being used to say it, imo.

my mother rarely ever swore. it's "vulgar and uneducated". didn't stop her belittling me and making me feel worthless though.

Indeed, a bratty kid being called a "little bollocks" by a stressed parent is much more preferable to a kid being called a "stupid, useless imbecile"

Dravokivich

Egginacup wrote: »

Indeed, a bratty kid being called a "little bollocks" by a stressed parent is much more preferable to a kid being called a "stupid, useless imbecile"

But that isn't what the OP is on about. The examples in the OP, the swearing wasn't directed towards the child. An insult is still an insult in your case no matter what's used to say it.

anncoates

I've sworn in front of the kids in anger once or twice, because of them but never directly at them if that makes sense. Never in public though. More like an spontaneous ejaculation when they've wound you up.

It's a stupid thing to do and not positive but I'm human and you just do the best you can parenting-wise instead of getting down in the amen corner on the internet.

Dravokivich

anncoates wrote: »

I've sworn in front of the kids in anger once or twice, because of them but never directly at them if that makes sense. Never in public though. More like an spontaneous ejaculation when they've wound you up.

It's a stupid thing to do and not positive but I'm human and you just do the best you can parenting-wise instead of getting down in the amen corner on the internet.

That's the same thing as what Akrasia is on about really. I think some people just tend to get stirred up by words themselves, without thinking of how they are used.

coopdog85

seventeen sheep wrote: »

I'd never intervene, but I wouldn't be one to throw dirty looks at the parent either. "Judge not lest ye be judged", and all that ... No parent is perfect, and you might have just caught them on a bad day.

And why would you even feel the need to intervene? It's not your child. Keep your beak out of other people's business. If they want to smother their child in Nutella & have the neighbours toothless dog come over & lick it off them then you wouldn't have any right to open your trap.

This kind of **** sickens me in Ireland. Everyone gets involved in everyone else's business. Unless a parent is physically abusive then I fail to see why using a swear word, said out of probable sheer frustration, is such a big deal. Unless it's your child then **** off & mind your own business.

Akrasia

Egginacup wrote: »

Indeed, a bratty kid being called a "little bollocks" by a stressed parent is much more preferable to a kid being called a "stupid, useless imbecile"

Especially if it's done in a Bishop Brennan voice

osarusan

I think the comments (based on a once-off observation lasting perhaps only a few seconds) about parents who swear being useless and the kids having no chance are way over the top.

OldNotWIse

Ah swearing. The antidote to the intentionally loud nouveau parenting that involves bleating about naughty steps and making baby reindeer cry... Not as bad as slapping but still rotten. Though I think a distinction can be made between certain types who swear every second word at their kids and normal, decent parents who are only human and might occasionally lose the rag. And who wouldn't. Being followed around by a loud, incontinent, dependent whinger who has yet to separate self and non-self and can't comprehend that the world does not exist solely for his benefit? Jeez... I don't think any amount of baby smell or smiling and gurgling could make that job worthwhile....


I take it swearing while you're having them is allowed?

Akrasia

coopdog85 wrote: »

And why would you even feel the need to intervene? It's not your child. Keep your beak out of other people's business. If they want to smother their child in Nutella & have the neighbours toothless dog come over & lick it off them then you wouldn't have any right to open your trap.

This kind of **** sickens me in Ireland. Everyone gets involved in everyone else's business. Unless a parent is physically abusive then I fail to see why using a swear word, said out of probable sheer frustration, is such a big deal. Unless it's your child then **** off & mind your own business.

Well there's extremes on both sides.

Parents should of course have freedom to raise their children as best they see fit,but the childrens rights should be respected too. Parents have absolutely no right to bully their children. Children have a right to protection from bullies including when the bullies are their own parents.

It's a ridiculously complex situation but early intervention services for vulnerable children should be a much bigger part of our social contract. The fact that Childline is so woefully underfunded and is not on a statutory footing is an indication that the state does not take their obligations under the 31st ammendment to our constitution seriously enough

Ireland has deferred to the rights of 'the family' for generations while children's suffering in abusive and neglectful homes was ignored

Ave Sodalis

Rosy Posy wrote: »

although I'm getting good at substitutions- fluich, motherlover, and various spells from Harry Potter get trotted out

I never really understood this. What's the different between this and swearing? At the end of the day, they're just different words but they're used in the same way and with the same meaning. Why is fluich okay but f*ck bad?
But then, I find the amount of emphasis put on the rudeness of swear words to be silly. They're only words. People can still be insulting without them and they're often used without an insulting nature. How come we've put more emphasis on certain words but other words used in the same way are okay?

bjork

It's a bit much for me. "Feck this" and "Feck that"

"You big bastard." Oh, Dreadful Language.
You big hairy arse." "You big Fecker." Fierce Stuff!

And of course the F-word, the bad F-word. Worse then Feck. You know the one I mean.
"F you" "F your effing wife" I don't know why they have to use language like that. "I'll stick this effing pitch fork up your hole" That was another one.

"Bastard this" and "Bastard that". You can't move for the Bastards. It's wall-to-wall bastards.

"You Bastard" "You Fecker" "You bollocks! Get your bollocks out of my face."

"Ride me sideways" was another one.

OldNotWIse

bjork wrote: »

It's a bit much for me. "Feck this" and "Feck that"

"You big bastard." Oh, Dreadful Language.
You big hairy arse." "You big Fecker." Fierce Stuff!

And of course the F-word, the bad F-word. Worse then Feck. You know the one I mean.
"F you" "F your effing wife" I don't know why they have to use language like that. "I'll stick this effing pitch fork up your hole" That was another one.

"Bastard this" and "Bastard that". You can't move for the Bastards. It's wall-to-wall bastards.

"You Bastard" "You Fecker" "You bollocks! Get your bollocks out of my face."

"Ride me sideways" was another one.

I don't know why but I find myself chuckling away reading this post with all the fecks and big hairy b.astards. It's like nervous laughter, when someone else is saying something they shouldn't

Rosy Posy

sup_dude wrote: »

I never really understood this. What's the different between this and swearing? At the end of the day, they're just different words but they're used in the same way and with the same meaning. Why is fluich okay but f*ck bad?
But then, I find the amount of emphasis put on the rudeness of swear words to be silly. They're only words. People can still be insulting without them and they're often used without an insulting nature. How come we've put more emphasis on certain words but other words used in the same way are okay?

Because I don't want to be mortified by my child shouting out 'donkey raping sh!t eater' or some such expletive in public. Kids are sponges- if you swear a lot around them they will repeat it and they don't develop a sense of where, when and with whom different language is appropriate until they're older.

Saipanne

I saw a knacker (i believe you jackeens call them skangers) call his child a "fcuking spastic" to his face.

Poor kid.

ivytwine

osarusan wrote: »

I think the comments (based on a once-off observation lasting perhaps only a few seconds) about parents who swear being useless and the kids having no chance are way over the top.

That was me and ok I don't know what goes on behind closed doors but if they're comfortable belittling and swearing at their kid in public for horseplay then they're probably even worse at home.

castletownman

Let's be honest here. We all had an uncle growing up who taught us some swear words just to annoy the parents.

Never done any harm.

Philo Beddoe

My mother rarely used swear words when I was a kid, except when she got behind the wheel of the car at which point she would make a sailor blush. I have to admit, I found it hilarious at the time.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

If you're resorting to swearing at a child or smacking a child to discipline them, then youre a **** parent.