Do you think this was a strange way to behave

kingchess

Maybe the wife and family had already accepted the fact he would die, and had come to terms with this fact. And understood that the practical things like arranging the funeral etc would have to be done and that life goes on?

kerry4sam

lulu1 wrote: »

Two years ago our brother who was always in good health took ill. After being in hospital for a few days his wife was told that he wouldnt make it till the next morning.Hearing this my two sisters asked my brothers wife if it would be ok to go to the hospital and spend whatever time he had left with him
. So down they went to the hospital about 2 o clock that day. His three daughters and his wife was also there. My sisters were more than upset when they saw my brothers features changing from hour to hour while his wife was constantly on the mobile talking to friends. Now but they said this was I know in a case like this you would need to use your phone but this was a bit over the top.
The next thing she comes out with was God I'm hungry will we send out for something to eat, they said eating was the last thing on their minds with the nurse in and out every half hour. So with take away eaten the four of them (the wife and 3 daughters) sat down an slept in the armchairs.
In comes the nurse to see them all sleeping and checks our brother, telling us that it was only a matter of hours now and that she was going to get the priest she also woke up the family. At this stage my sisters says they were fit to be tied.
Half an hour later the priest comes in and starts the rosery. Phone rings for the forth time during the rosery until the priest actually gave her one look The daughter turned off the phone
.The end of the story is my sisters were holding my brothers hand when he died while his family was doing their own thing. They have never really forgiven her and it comes up time and time again. I tell them maybe it was her way of coping I myself could not watch a loved one dying

I've read your opening post over & over and each time I read it, I don't think it's strange.
On Christmas Eve just gone I visited my Late Loving Dads (passed away on Dec 20th 2013) grave alone and literally fell to my knees bawling (not just crying). I could feel my heart breaking over again. A lady who had just sat in her car actually re-entered the graveyard after seeing me and waited somewhere behind me before leaving again.
It was like a repeat button was pressed; uncontrollable crying for over 40mins!

Reached Home again real quiet but eyes still blood-shot & it was noticed unfortunately,
but
later that evening I was back involved with all family again no bother; phonecalls, banter, laughs, reminiscing ...

I'd be willing to bet that she did feel what everyone else felt; maybe delayed; maybe in quiet. You said someone phoned her before-hand so maybe she used that time before anyone else arrived (like I did with we had the wake with my own Dad);
Think it is time to lay this to rest imo for everyones sake. Easier said than done; history will almost always be brought up, such it the way some families operate; but you should try help who you can to make Peace in this situation and leave the lady to her own Memories.

In short, No I don't think this is a strange way to behave,
You can pm me if you like,
kerry4sam

dreamerb

Dying and death are hugely stressful times for families. People react differently.

It's probably worth remembering that one of the pressures on immediate family if someone's dying, is keeping other family and friends informed, so mobile phone usage is very normal. And a deathbed watch can be long: it's also perfectly normal to get hungry.

OP, I'm sorry your sisters feel so bad, but it really sounds to me like they arrived in in full grief mode, maybe not ever internalising that this had been an ongoing situation or realising that other people deal with grief, stress and pain in different ways. Maybe you can help give them more perspective. Best wishes and sympathies.

lulu1

dreamerb wrote: »

Dying and death are hugely stressful times for families. People react differently.

It's probably worth remembering that one of the pressures on immediate family if someone's dying, is keeping other family and friends informed, so mobile phone usage is very normal. And a deathbed watch can be long: it's also perfectly normal to get hungry.

OP, I'm sorry your sisters feel so bad, but it really sounds to me like they arrived in in full grief mode, maybe not ever internalising that this had been an ongoing situation or realising that other people deal with grief, stress and pain in different ways. Maybe you can help give them more perspective. Best wishes and sympathies.

Yea we were all heartbroken and while I do sympathies with my sisters I have told them it is really none of our business. He had his own family and they had been together for over 30 years and it was the wife's business how she handled things

Ann22

Sounds insensitive to say the least imo. So sorry about your loss..

Tell me how

Two main things in my opinion


A = There are 2 sides to every story and we have only heard yours. I'm not suggesting that you are lying in any way but we don't know what your brothers wife and daughters experience was.

B = People are strange. All people. You me and everyone in between. What makes sense for one person can seem insensitive or just plain wrong to another.

No one can truly say what your brothers relationship with his wife and daughters was like or how would he have felt if he had known how they would behave. He may have preferred them to be this way as life must go on for the living and why wallow in grief. I'm not saying that such an approach is correct but some people do feel that way. Also, some people do react to serious news by getting some nervous energy which may be displayed in actions such as ordering food or being on the phone. Within reason there is no right and wrong way to react and I don't think any of us can be 100% sure how we would react in a given situation until it actually happens.

One thing I would feel quite strongly about. It's not worth falling out with relatives over the interpretation of a perceived slight. It seems to be something that happens amongst family members a lot but who wins in these cases? In this case your sisters and their or your families may end up being distanced from your brothers wife and daughters and is this what your brother would have wanted.

AstraOwner

So they were together for over 30 years and they were good to each other throughout their marriage?

I think it's really sad that how she reacted to the situation is being questioned. I can only imagine how hurtful/angry to her it would be if she knew. I don't think it shows your sisters in a very good light at all OP. I'm not even sure why you yourself brought it here.



For what it's worth I think that having children present would affect how a mother might react in such a situation.

braddun

people do strange things when someones dying


theres no right way or wrong way

Degag

lulu1 wrote: »

Two years ago our brother who was always in good health took ill. After being in hospital for a few days his wife was told that he wouldnt make it till the next morning.Hearing this my two sisters asked my brothers wife if it would be ok to go to the hospital and spend whatever time he had left with him
. So down they went to the hospital about 2 o clock that day. His three daughters and his wife was also there. My sisters were more than upset when they saw my brothers features changing from hour to hour while his wife was constantly on the mobile talking to friends. Now but they said this was I know in a case like this you would need to use your phone but this was a bit over the top.
The next thing she comes out with was God I'm hungry will we send out for something to eat, they said eating was the last thing on their minds with the nurse in and out every half hour. So with take away eaten the four of them (the wife and 3 daughters) sat down an slept in the armchairs.
In comes the nurse to see them all sleeping and checks our brother, telling us that it was only a matter of hours now and that she was going to get the priest she also woke up the family. At this stage my sisters says they were fit to be tied.
Half an hour later the priest comes in and starts the rosery. Phone rings for the forth time during the rosery until the priest actually gave her one look The daughter turned off the phone
.The end of the story is my sisters were holding my brothers hand when he died while his family was doing their own thing. They have never really forgiven her and it comes up time and time again. I tell them maybe it was her way of coping I myself could not watch a loved one dying

I don't know your family but the way I would read this is:

She couldn't control who called her on the phone. More likely than not it was friends, neighbours, relatives etc asking how your brother was doing. It would probably been easier for her not to answer the phone than answer it. To be fair, after he had I died, doing the rosary, the phone should have been put off

Eating? Come on seriously?

Sleeping? Can you blame a woman and her 3 kids who were probably up day and night for "a few days" to catch a few winks regardless of the situation? It was hardly their choice.

Being honest OP, youe story sounds like you and your siblings didn't really like this woman in the first place cause her actions don't really seem that out of place.

Jaxxy

Some people seem to take to grieving as though it's some sort of competition. They have to be seen to be crying the most, wailing the most, and suddenly they become overnight experts on the deceased, whether they were close or not. To many people, this is the "normal" way to grieve, and they judge those who do not subscribe to their way of thinking.

Fact is, there is no normal way to do it. Not at all. People react differently and they come to terms with these sometimes life-changing events in different ways, taking different lengths of time. I experienced something similar recently enough, OP, and in my experience, it's usually the quiet, stoic mourners that I've learned need the extra attention.

When the dust settles and the family and friends return to their own lives, carrying on regardless, when the immediate family are left alone in the quiet house - that's when reality sets in, and that's when they most need a friend.

Shame on your sisters, to be honest.

FloatingVoter

There is nothing strange about this. I've lost my father and mother. Both times I had to run cold and organise things like funerals and sandwiches for the grieving.
Seen from the outside, I would have looked a cold bastard. I probably still am being ostracised by extended family as a result. No matter. The job got done, the people I loved and cared for got a proper sendoff and I don't care what others think. Emotions are on the inside, crocodiles cry.

blacklilly

Degag wrote: »

Being honest OP, youe story sounds like you and your siblings didn't really like this woman in the first place cause her actions don't really seem that out of place.

Are people actually reading this thread???

At no point has the OP condemned the wife of this man or his children for the way they were in his final hours.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

People cope with death and loved ones dying in different ways. It's very unfair of you to judge a wife and children because they didn't mourn the same way as the sisters expected from them. Leave them alone to deal with the loss of a spouse and the loss of a father, life is hard enough without creating drama when there shouldn't be any. Chances are the man that died would be disgusted with his sisters for berating his family to anyone who would listen.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

FloatingVoter wrote: »

There is nothing strange about this. I've lost my father and mother. Both times I had to run cold and organise things like funerals and sandwiches for the grieving.
Seen from the outside, I would have looked a cold bastard. I probably still am being ostracised by extended family as a result. No matter. The job got done, the people I loved and cared for got a proper sendoff and I don't care what others think. Emotions are on the inside, crocodiles cry.

This.
When something horrific does happen, there's no time for being sad. Being sad doesn't choose flowers or coffins, readings, prayers, singer for church, it doesn't organise an undertaker, clothes or food for after the funeral and it doesn't get the house ready for an influx of visitors pretty much as soon as the news breaks.

When my dad passed away, at the end I was praying - hoping - he would die. Because it was horrible watch him try fight something he was never going to win. It was horrible watch someone so strong fight for every single breath he took. I cried when he died, obviously, but after that, no tears. Everyone was telling me how calm I was, how brave I was, how I was in good form. Then the day that he was buried, that night when nobody else was around and when the realisation that he was under a heap of clay in the cold, with nobody to mind him, sent me into such a state I had a panic attack. A year later, I don't talk about him at all in person, but i still can't sleep because I get horrific nightmares, I still feel panicky when I have to go into the hospital where he spent almost all of the last year of his life, and I sleep with a birthday card he wrote me for my last birthday.

So I guess what I'm saying is - in my situation I'm sure I didn't react to a loss the way people expected me to, and even though I never talk about him doesn't mean it doesn't affect me, or that I'm less sad than someone who cried and cried over their dad.