Do you think this was a strange way to behave

lulu1

Two years ago our brother who was always in good health took ill. After being in hospital for a few days his wife was told that he wouldnt make it till the next morning.Hearing this my two sisters asked my brothers wife if it would be ok to go to the hospital and spend whatever time he had left with him
. So down they went to the hospital about 2 o clock that day. His three daughters and his wife was also there. My sisters were more than upset when they saw my brothers features changing from hour to hour while his wife was constantly on the mobile talking to friends. Now but they said this was I know in a case like this you would need to use your phone but this was a bit over the top.
The next thing she comes out with was God I'm hungry will we send out for something to eat, they said eating was the last thing on their minds with the nurse in and out every half hour. So with take away eaten the four of them (the wife and 3 daughters) sat down an slept in the armchairs.
In comes the nurse to see them all sleeping and checks our brother, telling us that it was only a matter of hours now and that she was going to get the priest she also woke up the family. At this stage my sisters says they were fit to be tied.
Half an hour later the priest comes in and starts the rosery. Phone rings for the forth time during the rosery until the priest actually gave her one look The daughter turned off the phone
.The end of the story is my sisters were holding my brothers hand when he died while his family was doing their own thing. They have never really forgiven her and it comes up time and time again. I tell them maybe it was her way of coping I myself could not watch a loved one dying

The Moldy Gowl

I tried to read it, but that wall of text.

I didn't know if I was coming or going

michael999999

Couldn't read that!

lulu1

Gowlasauras Rex wrote: »

I tried to read it, but that wall of text.

I didn't know if I was coming or going

Easier now

helimachoptor

Tbh people act very differently when end of life is imminent, something non typical can often be held against someone.

eviltwin

Why are you thinking about this now 2 years later?

Nodin

lulu1 wrote: »

Easier now

It's impossible to tell from that one instance whether it was the moment freaking her out or whatever, without actually knowing the woman in question, tbh.

Mr_Muffin

Please edit it to make it more readable.

Cantremember

On the face of it, a callous indifferent woman who had no feelings for her husband.

lulu1

eviltwin wrote: »

Why are you thinking about this now 2 years later?

Because I am sick of it coming up time and time again I keep telling them its over forget about it

Mod
OP, I'm not sure that After Hours is the right place for this, but I can only assume that you put it here knowing the answers you might receive as you are not a new poster.

If you want the thread moved/closed please report this post and request same.

Birneybau

Does sound a bit cold but maybe it was the only way she could cope? Grief has no logic generally.

lulu1

Cantremember wrote: »

On the face of it, a callous indifferent woman who had no feelings for her husband.

I have to say they were both good to each other throughout their marrige

eviltwin

lulu1 wrote: »

Because I am sick of it coming up time and time again I keep telling them its over forget about it

I don't think you can judge on that one moment. Grief makes people do different things. What matters is what she was like when he was alive.

lulu1

Birneybau wrote: »

Does sound a bit cold but maybe it was the only way she could cope?

That was my opinion also

FunLover18

I was with my grandmother when she tied, very different scenario (I would imagine) as she had no idea we were even there. It was myself, one other grandchild, the actual children and their respective others and my grandfather. I'm not going to lie, it was both one of the best and worst nights we've all spent together. The room was way too small for all of us (but we did all squeeze in during her last moments) so we all took it in turns. There was a little tea room in the nursing home where we spent most of the time chatting about old memories and other things. I'm not going to feel bad for getting hungry and I don't think anyone should be criticised for doing so. Myself and the uncle went into town and brought back pizzas for everyone.

As helimachoptor said, people react very differently in these scenarios.

Banjo String

lulu1 wrote: »

Two years ago our brother who was always in good health took ill.

After being in hospital for a few days his wife was told that he wouldnt make it till the next morning. Hearing this my two sisters asked my brothers wife if it would be ok to go to the hospital and spend whatever time he had left with him.

So down they went to the hospital about 2 o clock that day. His three daughters and his wife was also there.

My sisters were more than upset when they saw my brothers features changing from hour to hour while his wife was constantly on the mobile talking to friends. Now but they said this was I know in a case like this you would need to use your phone but this was a bit over the top.

The next thing she comes out with was God I'm hungry will we send out for something to eat, they said eating was the last thing on their minds with the nurse in and out every half hour. So with take away eaten the four of them (the wife and 3 daughters) sat down an slept in the armchairs. In comes the nurse to see them all sleeping and checks our brother, telling us that it was only a matter of hours now and that she was going to get the priest she also woke up the family.

At this stage my sisters says they were fit to be tied. Half an hour later the priest comes in and starts the rosery. Phone rings for the forth time during the rosery until the priest actually gave her one look The daughter turned off the phone.

The end of the story is my sisters were holding my brothers hand when he died while his family was doing their own thing. They have never really forgiven her and it comes up time and time again. I tell them maybe it was her way of coping I myself could not watch a loved one dying

Entered a few paragraphs op.

Sounds pretty selfish h alright, not sure after hour's is the best place to be asking for advice though.

alias no.9

There's no normal way to behave. People deal with grief differently. Some people get emotional, some people get detached, some people get angry and some people get busy but this list doesn't even beginning to cover the variety of reactions.
Is it possible that the illness wasn't as sudden as you were led to believe and that as a family they'd already done their goodbyes? Were they then trying to give your family time to say goodbye?

diomed

Everyone is a hero in their own story.

lulu1

diomed wrote: »

Everyone is a hero in their own story.

Can you explain your quote please

patricia88

I don't understand why you are giving out...you weren't even there!

lulu1

patricia88 wrote: »

I don't understand why you are giving out...you weren't even there!

OP I am not giving out as you call it I am stuck in the middle of it all and while I feel it was a strange way to behave I do believe it was their way of coping and I have told my sisters this

Laneyh

There's not really much you can do. It does sound a bit detached but perhaps that was the only way of coping at the time.
Assuming she was upset afterwards and was involved in arranging the funeral etc.

I was in the room when my Dad died in hospital.It was obvious for some time before that, that he was on borrowed time,my brother opted to go for lunch in a pub across the road. My other brother, mother and sister stayed in the room.
When my Dad passed away my sister and mother were praying my brother was crying and I was standing there numb not really registering any reaction.
My brother who'd gone for lunch arrived back just after my Dad died and to be honest that was possibly for the best as he just couldn't handle being there.

So I don't think there's a wrong or right reaction really. It's hard on everyone

UCDVet

People handle things very differently. If the wife was good to him, outside of this, I wouldn't hold it against her at all.

patricia88

lulu1 wrote: »

OP I am not giving out as you call it I am stuck in the middle of it all and while I feel it was a strange way to behave I do believe it was their way of coping and I have told my sisters this

Well his wife may have found it strange that you didn't go to the hospital or even make the effort to travel if it was a distance!
Everyone reacts differently to these traumatic situations

Senna

When my father passed away I was a complete mess, I have no idea what I done or what I said. I wouldn't appreciate someone analysing my actions on that day.

lulu1

patricia88 wrote: »

Well his wife may have found it strange that you didn't go to the hospital or even make the effort to travel if it was a distance!
Everyone reacts differently to these traumatic situations

OP You are right I was not there nor was I at the funeral for reasons that you dont need to know.
And no his wife would not think it was in any way strange that I was not there because she knew my situation. if you read my answers to other less accusing posters you will find i dont blame the wife in the least

Turtyturd

I reckon the wife's version talks about the sisters who came to the hospital and took over, refusing to let the wife/daughters near the bed.

iguana

She was there with her 3 children and had to be responsible for them as they lost their father. Of course she was going to be doing practical things like ordering food and ensuring her daughters ate. She didn't have the luxury of being able to surrender to her grief that your sisters did.

The King of Moo

OP, what was the wife like after your brother passed away, after a little time had passed?
This might be a more accurate measure of her feelings.

nelly17

Really tough time there is no right or wrong