Do you think this was a strange way to behave

lulu1

Two years ago our brother who was always in good health took ill. After being in hospital for a few days his wife was told that he wouldnt make it till the next morning.Hearing this my two sisters asked my brothers wife if it would be ok to go to the hospital and spend whatever time he had left with him
. So down they went to the hospital about 2 o clock that day. His three daughters and his wife was also there. My sisters were more than upset when they saw my brothers features changing from hour to hour while his wife was constantly on the mobile talking to friends. Now but they said this was I know in a case like this you would need to use your phone but this was a bit over the top.
The next thing she comes out with was God I'm hungry will we send out for something to eat, they said eating was the last thing on their minds with the nurse in and out every half hour. So with take away eaten the four of them (the wife and 3 daughters) sat down an slept in the armchairs.
In comes the nurse to see them all sleeping and checks our brother, telling us that it was only a matter of hours now and that she was going to get the priest she also woke up the family. At this stage my sisters says they were fit to be tied.
Half an hour later the priest comes in and starts the rosery. Phone rings for the forth time during the rosery until the priest actually gave her one look The daughter turned off the phone
.The end of the story is my sisters were holding my brothers hand when he died while his family was doing their own thing. They have never really forgiven her and it comes up time and time again. I tell them maybe it was her way of coping I myself could not watch a loved one dying

The Moldy Gowl

I tried to read it, but that wall of text.

I didn't know if I was coming or going

michael999999

Couldn't read that!

lulu1

Gowlasauras Rex wrote: »

I tried to read it, but that wall of text.

I didn't know if I was coming or going

Easier now

helimachoptor

Tbh people act very differently when end of life is imminent, something non typical can often be held against someone.

eviltwin

Why are you thinking about this now 2 years later?

Nodin

lulu1 wrote: »

Easier now

It's impossible to tell from that one instance whether it was the moment freaking her out or whatever, without actually knowing the woman in question, tbh.

Mr_Muffin

Please edit it to make it more readable.

Cantremember

On the face of it, a callous indifferent woman who had no feelings for her husband.

lulu1

eviltwin wrote: »

Why are you thinking about this now 2 years later?

Because I am sick of it coming up time and time again I keep telling them its over forget about it

Mod
OP, I'm not sure that After Hours is the right place for this, but I can only assume that you put it here knowing the answers you might receive as you are not a new poster.

If you want the thread moved/closed please report this post and request same.

Birneybau

Does sound a bit cold but maybe it was the only way she could cope? Grief has no logic generally.

lulu1

Cantremember wrote: »

On the face of it, a callous indifferent woman who had no feelings for her husband.

I have to say they were both good to each other throughout their marrige

eviltwin

lulu1 wrote: »

Because I am sick of it coming up time and time again I keep telling them its over forget about it

I don't think you can judge on that one moment. Grief makes people do different things. What matters is what she was like when he was alive.

lulu1

Birneybau wrote: »

Does sound a bit cold but maybe it was the only way she could cope?

That was my opinion also

FunLover18

I was with my grandmother when she tied, very different scenario (I would imagine) as she had no idea we were even there. It was myself, one other grandchild, the actual children and their respective others and my grandfather. I'm not going to lie, it was both one of the best and worst nights we've all spent together. The room was way too small for all of us (but we did all squeeze in during her last moments) so we all took it in turns. There was a little tea room in the nursing home where we spent most of the time chatting about old memories and other things. I'm not going to feel bad for getting hungry and I don't think anyone should be criticised for doing so. Myself and the uncle went into town and brought back pizzas for everyone.

As helimachoptor said, people react very differently in these scenarios.

Banjo String

lulu1 wrote: »

Two years ago our brother who was always in good health took ill.

After being in hospital for a few days his wife was told that he wouldnt make it till the next morning. Hearing this my two sisters asked my brothers wife if it would be ok to go to the hospital and spend whatever time he had left with him.

So down they went to the hospital about 2 o clock that day. His three daughters and his wife was also there.

My sisters were more than upset when they saw my brothers features changing from hour to hour while his wife was constantly on the mobile talking to friends. Now but they said this was I know in a case like this you would need to use your phone but this was a bit over the top.

The next thing she comes out with was God I'm hungry will we send out for something to eat, they said eating was the last thing on their minds with the nurse in and out every half hour. So with take away eaten the four of them (the wife and 3 daughters) sat down an slept in the armchairs. In comes the nurse to see them all sleeping and checks our brother, telling us that it was only a matter of hours now and that she was going to get the priest she also woke up the family.

At this stage my sisters says they were fit to be tied. Half an hour later the priest comes in and starts the rosery. Phone rings for the forth time during the rosery until the priest actually gave her one look The daughter turned off the phone.

The end of the story is my sisters were holding my brothers hand when he died while his family was doing their own thing. They have never really forgiven her and it comes up time and time again. I tell them maybe it was her way of coping I myself could not watch a loved one dying

Entered a few paragraphs op.

Sounds pretty selfish h alright, not sure after hour's is the best place to be asking for advice though.

alias no.9

There's no normal way to behave. People deal with grief differently. Some people get emotional, some people get detached, some people get angry and some people get busy but this list doesn't even beginning to cover the variety of reactions.
Is it possible that the illness wasn't as sudden as you were led to believe and that as a family they'd already done their goodbyes? Were they then trying to give your family time to say goodbye?

diomed

Everyone is a hero in their own story.

lulu1

diomed wrote: »

Everyone is a hero in their own story.

Can you explain your quote please

patricia88

I don't understand why you are giving out...you weren't even there!

lulu1

patricia88 wrote: »

I don't understand why you are giving out...you weren't even there!

OP I am not giving out as you call it I am stuck in the middle of it all and while I feel it was a strange way to behave I do believe it was their way of coping and I have told my sisters this

Laneyh

There's not really much you can do. It does sound a bit detached but perhaps that was the only way of coping at the time.
Assuming she was upset afterwards and was involved in arranging the funeral etc.

I was in the room when my Dad died in hospital.It was obvious for some time before that, that he was on borrowed time,my brother opted to go for lunch in a pub across the road. My other brother, mother and sister stayed in the room.
When my Dad passed away my sister and mother were praying my brother was crying and I was standing there numb not really registering any reaction.
My brother who'd gone for lunch arrived back just after my Dad died and to be honest that was possibly for the best as he just couldn't handle being there.

So I don't think there's a wrong or right reaction really. It's hard on everyone

UCDVet

People handle things very differently. If the wife was good to him, outside of this, I wouldn't hold it against her at all.

patricia88

lulu1 wrote: »

OP I am not giving out as you call it I am stuck in the middle of it all and while I feel it was a strange way to behave I do believe it was their way of coping and I have told my sisters this

Well his wife may have found it strange that you didn't go to the hospital or even make the effort to travel if it was a distance!
Everyone reacts differently to these traumatic situations

Senna

When my father passed away I was a complete mess, I have no idea what I done or what I said. I wouldn't appreciate someone analysing my actions on that day.

lulu1

patricia88 wrote: »

Well his wife may have found it strange that you didn't go to the hospital or even make the effort to travel if it was a distance!
Everyone reacts differently to these traumatic situations

OP You are right I was not there nor was I at the funeral for reasons that you dont need to know.
And no his wife would not think it was in any way strange that I was not there because she knew my situation. if you read my answers to other less accusing posters you will find i dont blame the wife in the least

Turtyturd

I reckon the wife's version talks about the sisters who came to the hospital and took over, refusing to let the wife/daughters near the bed.

iguana

She was there with her 3 children and had to be responsible for them as they lost their father. Of course she was going to be doing practical things like ordering food and ensuring her daughters ate. She didn't have the luxury of being able to surrender to her grief that your sisters did.

The King of Moo

OP, what was the wife like after your brother passed away, after a little time had passed?
This might be a more accurate measure of her feelings.

nelly17

Really tough time there is no right or wrong

The other fella

You would hear stories of people who become very distant from their loved ones when they hear they havent much time left, its a coping mechanism.

dan185

Sorry for your loss OP

Move on

mrsbyrne

Turtyturd wrote: »

I reckon the wife's version talks about the sisters who came to the hospital and took over, refusing to let the wife/daughters near the bed.

This is quite possible too. She may also be still fuming about how your sisters have bbeen bad mouthing her to anybody who will listen for the last 2 year's.
My dad died very suddenly when I was 15. I was totally calm and collected through the whole thing and never shed a tear. I totally took it on myself to make all the phone calls. I read at the packed funeral mass surrounded by extremely distressed family. I don't know why or how I dealt with it that way.

Icaras

What did you and your sisters want her to do? Scream down the hospital, pull her hair out, stay by her husband side no matter what?
She has/had 3 kids to think about too.

I think it's sad that ye are still dwelling on this.

PizzamanIRL

If they had a seemingly good marriage then I suppose it was her way of coping with it.

Maybe she didn't want to face the fact that her husband was about to pass away and didn't want to sit there mourning like most people would. I'd say if you were a fly on the wall after he passed away, you would have seen her break down in tears when she was alone.

At the end of the day, like you said it's over and everyone should forget about it. I doubt your brother would like to see all of you arguing about it.

conorh91

I know this is COMPLETELY not the same situation but here goes.

A few years ago my much-beloved dog died of heart disease. In the days before his death he was on all sorts of medicines, and spent all his time gasping and swollen by the fireplace, trying to keep warm.

In his last days and hours, I just wanted him to die. I pretended to comfort him, but preferred to be away in my room or outside. I felt zero emotional attachment to him. Each rasping breath irritated me. The vet kept wanting to try something different but I just wanted him gone. I wanted him gone pronto.

To this day, I cannot watch a dog movie on TV, or look at photos of him, without welling up or crying my eyes out. But before he died, a very rational part of my brain superseded all emotions, otherwise I would have been a train wreck. Only later was I able to slowly process his death.

I again reiterate that this is completely less of a situation than losing your brother in tragic circumstances. I'm not trying to draw a comparison, but I do believe that the brain often tries to drown-out emotions in extraordinary emotional circumstances.

dreamers75

nelly17 wrote: »

Really tough time there is no right or wrong

No right or wrong thing to do in this situation, for all you know the wife was on the phone to her family members as your were being cold to her.

Tbh the sisters coming accross as bitchy here.

diomed

lulu1 wrote: »

Can you explain your quote please

Yes.
We are hearing one story. The person giving the account edits the story.
If the other people in the story were asked to give their version it would be different.
Each storyteller paints themselves in a good light.
In a court case two or more sides of a story are heard.

lulu1

Icaras wrote: »

What did you and your sisters want her to do? Scream down the hospital, pull her hair out, stay by her husband side no matter what?
She has/had 3 kids to think about too.

I think it's sad that ye are still dwelling on this.

Not kids 3 adults in their twenties No I would love to forget about the whole thing but it keeps raising its ugly head

lulu1

diomed wrote: »

Yes.
We are hearing one story. The person giving the account edits the story.
If the other people in the story were asked to give their version it would be different.
Each storyteller paints themselves in a good light.
In a court case two or more sides of a story are heard.

Believe me the only thing I editited in this story was my first post.

The other fella

conorh91 wrote: »

I know this is COMPLETELY not the same situation but here goes.

A few years ago my much-beloved dog died of heart disease. In the days before his death he was on all sorts of medicines, and spent all his time gasping and swollen by the fireplace, trying to keep warm.

In his last days and hours, I just wanted him to die. I pretended to comfort him, but preferred to be away in my room or outside. I felt zero emotional attachment to him. Each rasping breath irritated me. The vet kept wanting to try something different but I just wanted him gone. I wanted him gone pronto.

To this day, I cannot watch a dog movie on TV, or look at photos of him, without welling up or crying my eyes out. But before he died, a very rational part of my brain superseded all emotions, otherwise I would have been a train wreck. Only later was I able to slowly process his death.

I again reiterate that this is completely less of a situation than losing your brother in tragic circumstances. I'm not trying to draw a comparison, but I do believe that the brain often tries to drown-out emotions in extraordinary emotional circumstances.

Its nothing different, death is death and grief is grief.

P_1

People grieve in all sorts of different ways. There's no right or wrong way to go about it really.

lulu1

conorh91 wrote: »

I know this is COMPLETELY not the same situation but here goes.

A few years ago my much-beloved dog died of heart disease. In the days before his death he was on all sorts of medicines, and spent all his time gasping and swollen by the fireplace, trying to keep warm.

In his last days and hours, I just wanted him to die. I pretended to comfort him, but preferred to be away in my room or outside. I felt zero emotional attachment to him. Each rasping breath irritated me. The vet kept wanting to try something different but I just wanted him gone. I wanted him gone pronto.

To this day, I cannot watch a dog movie on TV, or look at photos of him, without welling up or crying my eyes out. But before he died, a very rational part of my brain superseded all emotions, otherwise I would have been a train wreck. Only later was I able to slowly process his death.

I again reiterate that this is completely less of a situation than losing your brother in tragic circumstances. I'm not trying to draw a comparison, but I do believe that the brain often tries to drown-out emotions in extraordinary emotional circumstances.

Op i am so sorry about your dog you were right to post because a dog is part of the family as well. We also have a dog and I dread to think of anything happening to it Glad to hear that things are getting a little bit better now.

lulu1

PizzamanIRL wrote: »

If they had a seemingly good marriage then I suppose it was her way of coping with it.

Maybe she didn't want to face the fact that her husband was about to pass away and didn't want to sit there mourning like most people would. I'd say if you were a fly on the wall after he passed away, you would have seen her break down in tears when she was alone.

At the end of the day, like you said it's over and everyone should forget about it. I doubt your brother would like to see all of you arguing about it.

OP I would say you have it right

lulu1

Turtyturd wrote: »

I reckon the wife's version talks about the sisters who came to the hospital and took over, refusing to let the wife/daughters near the bed.

I have to say you are completely wrong on that. I will come to their defence the exact same way as i went to the wife's
There is no way that any of them would take over. They would have been mad but they would not have said anything

gctest50

lulu1 wrote: »

Not kids 3 adults in their twenties No I would love to forget about the whole thing but it keeps raising its ugly head

which person keeps dragging it back up ?

lulu1

mrsbyrne wrote: »

This is quite possible too. She may also be still fuming about how your sisters have bbeen bad mouthing her to anybody who will listen for the last 2 year's.
My dad died very suddenly when I was 15. I was totally calm and collected through the whole thing and never shed a tear. I totally took it on myself to make all the phone calls. I read at the packed funeral mass surrounded by extremely distressed family. I don't know why or how I dealt with it that way.

No they would never badmouth her outside the house this is kept among ourselves. Yes I know what you mean by coping. I myself stayed up for two nights when my mother in law died I was shattered but i needed to do it.
I remember laughing my head off at the silliest things for the want of sleep (strange or what???)

Neyite

lulu1 wrote: »

Not kids 3 adults in their twenties No I would love to forget about the whole thing but it keeps raising its ugly head

Its still incredibly sad and traumatic to lose your father at that age and a mother will still try to do what she can to help them process that. Maybe by being strong while her heart was breaking inside. Maybe by ensuring they eat and leading by example despite having zero appetite. Maybe by being generous enough to allow precious last moments to be shared with the wider family.

Your sisters sound like bitches. Sorry. They sound sanctimoniously smug that THEY grieved properly, unlike his loving wife and kids who were likely in reeling shock and on autopilot. :rolleyes:

Its in the days that follow that the family grieve. When the house empties of visitors, and that chair in the corner is empty. When a programme comes on and you switch it on without thinking because dad used to watch it. Its when you get engaged and he'll never walk you up the aisle. Its when the first grandchild is born and never gets a cuddle from grandad.

Why are your sisters so bitter?

lulu1

gctest50 wrote: »

which person keeps dragging it back up ?

Its the both of them The reason I am posting today is that i made the mistake of mentioning his name when I visited yesterday.

gctest50

lulu1 wrote: »

Its the both of them The reason I am posting today is that i made the mistake of mentioning his name when I visited yesterday.

do they have kids ?