Do you think this was a strange way to behave

The other fella

You would hear stories of people who become very distant from their loved ones when they hear they havent much time left, its a coping mechanism.

dan185

Sorry for your loss OP

Move on

mrsbyrne

Turtyturd wrote: »

I reckon the wife's version talks about the sisters who came to the hospital and took over, refusing to let the wife/daughters near the bed.

This is quite possible too. She may also be still fuming about how your sisters have bbeen bad mouthing her to anybody who will listen for the last 2 year's.
My dad died very suddenly when I was 15. I was totally calm and collected through the whole thing and never shed a tear. I totally took it on myself to make all the phone calls. I read at the packed funeral mass surrounded by extremely distressed family. I don't know why or how I dealt with it that way.

Icaras

What did you and your sisters want her to do? Scream down the hospital, pull her hair out, stay by her husband side no matter what?
She has/had 3 kids to think about too.

I think it's sad that ye are still dwelling on this.

PizzamanIRL

If they had a seemingly good marriage then I suppose it was her way of coping with it.

Maybe she didn't want to face the fact that her husband was about to pass away and didn't want to sit there mourning like most people would. I'd say if you were a fly on the wall after he passed away, you would have seen her break down in tears when she was alone.

At the end of the day, like you said it's over and everyone should forget about it. I doubt your brother would like to see all of you arguing about it.

conorh91

I know this is COMPLETELY not the same situation but here goes.

A few years ago my much-beloved dog died of heart disease. In the days before his death he was on all sorts of medicines, and spent all his time gasping and swollen by the fireplace, trying to keep warm.

In his last days and hours, I just wanted him to die. I pretended to comfort him, but preferred to be away in my room or outside. I felt zero emotional attachment to him. Each rasping breath irritated me. The vet kept wanting to try something different but I just wanted him gone. I wanted him gone pronto.

To this day, I cannot watch a dog movie on TV, or look at photos of him, without welling up or crying my eyes out. But before he died, a very rational part of my brain superseded all emotions, otherwise I would have been a train wreck. Only later was I able to slowly process his death.

I again reiterate that this is completely less of a situation than losing your brother in tragic circumstances. I'm not trying to draw a comparison, but I do believe that the brain often tries to drown-out emotions in extraordinary emotional circumstances.

dreamers75

nelly17 wrote: »

Really tough time there is no right or wrong

No right or wrong thing to do in this situation, for all you know the wife was on the phone to her family members as your were being cold to her.

Tbh the sisters coming accross as bitchy here.

diomed

lulu1 wrote: »

Can you explain your quote please

Yes.
We are hearing one story. The person giving the account edits the story.
If the other people in the story were asked to give their version it would be different.
Each storyteller paints themselves in a good light.
In a court case two or more sides of a story are heard.

lulu1

Icaras wrote: »

What did you and your sisters want her to do? Scream down the hospital, pull her hair out, stay by her husband side no matter what?
She has/had 3 kids to think about too.

I think it's sad that ye are still dwelling on this.

Not kids 3 adults in their twenties No I would love to forget about the whole thing but it keeps raising its ugly head

lulu1

diomed wrote: »

Yes.
We are hearing one story. The person giving the account edits the story.
If the other people in the story were asked to give their version it would be different.
Each storyteller paints themselves in a good light.
In a court case two or more sides of a story are heard.

Believe me the only thing I editited in this story was my first post.

The other fella

conorh91 wrote: »

I know this is COMPLETELY not the same situation but here goes.

A few years ago my much-beloved dog died of heart disease. In the days before his death he was on all sorts of medicines, and spent all his time gasping and swollen by the fireplace, trying to keep warm.

In his last days and hours, I just wanted him to die. I pretended to comfort him, but preferred to be away in my room or outside. I felt zero emotional attachment to him. Each rasping breath irritated me. The vet kept wanting to try something different but I just wanted him gone. I wanted him gone pronto.

To this day, I cannot watch a dog movie on TV, or look at photos of him, without welling up or crying my eyes out. But before he died, a very rational part of my brain superseded all emotions, otherwise I would have been a train wreck. Only later was I able to slowly process his death.

I again reiterate that this is completely less of a situation than losing your brother in tragic circumstances. I'm not trying to draw a comparison, but I do believe that the brain often tries to drown-out emotions in extraordinary emotional circumstances.

Its nothing different, death is death and grief is grief.

P_1

People grieve in all sorts of different ways. There's no right or wrong way to go about it really.

lulu1

conorh91 wrote: »

I know this is COMPLETELY not the same situation but here goes.

A few years ago my much-beloved dog died of heart disease. In the days before his death he was on all sorts of medicines, and spent all his time gasping and swollen by the fireplace, trying to keep warm.

In his last days and hours, I just wanted him to die. I pretended to comfort him, but preferred to be away in my room or outside. I felt zero emotional attachment to him. Each rasping breath irritated me. The vet kept wanting to try something different but I just wanted him gone. I wanted him gone pronto.

To this day, I cannot watch a dog movie on TV, or look at photos of him, without welling up or crying my eyes out. But before he died, a very rational part of my brain superseded all emotions, otherwise I would have been a train wreck. Only later was I able to slowly process his death.

I again reiterate that this is completely less of a situation than losing your brother in tragic circumstances. I'm not trying to draw a comparison, but I do believe that the brain often tries to drown-out emotions in extraordinary emotional circumstances.

Op i am so sorry about your dog you were right to post because a dog is part of the family as well. We also have a dog and I dread to think of anything happening to it Glad to hear that things are getting a little bit better now.

lulu1

PizzamanIRL wrote: »

If they had a seemingly good marriage then I suppose it was her way of coping with it.

Maybe she didn't want to face the fact that her husband was about to pass away and didn't want to sit there mourning like most people would. I'd say if you were a fly on the wall after he passed away, you would have seen her break down in tears when she was alone.

At the end of the day, like you said it's over and everyone should forget about it. I doubt your brother would like to see all of you arguing about it.

OP I would say you have it right

lulu1

Turtyturd wrote: »

I reckon the wife's version talks about the sisters who came to the hospital and took over, refusing to let the wife/daughters near the bed.

I have to say you are completely wrong on that. I will come to their defence the exact same way as i went to the wife's
There is no way that any of them would take over. They would have been mad but they would not have said anything

gctest50

lulu1 wrote: »

Not kids 3 adults in their twenties No I would love to forget about the whole thing but it keeps raising its ugly head

which person keeps dragging it back up ?

lulu1

mrsbyrne wrote: »

This is quite possible too. She may also be still fuming about how your sisters have bbeen bad mouthing her to anybody who will listen for the last 2 year's.
My dad died very suddenly when I was 15. I was totally calm and collected through the whole thing and never shed a tear. I totally took it on myself to make all the phone calls. I read at the packed funeral mass surrounded by extremely distressed family. I don't know why or how I dealt with it that way.

No they would never badmouth her outside the house this is kept among ourselves. Yes I know what you mean by coping. I myself stayed up for two nights when my mother in law died I was shattered but i needed to do it.
I remember laughing my head off at the silliest things for the want of sleep (strange or what???)

Neyite

lulu1 wrote: »

Not kids 3 adults in their twenties No I would love to forget about the whole thing but it keeps raising its ugly head

Its still incredibly sad and traumatic to lose your father at that age and a mother will still try to do what she can to help them process that. Maybe by being strong while her heart was breaking inside. Maybe by ensuring they eat and leading by example despite having zero appetite. Maybe by being generous enough to allow precious last moments to be shared with the wider family.

Your sisters sound like bitches. Sorry. They sound sanctimoniously smug that THEY grieved properly, unlike his loving wife and kids who were likely in reeling shock and on autopilot. :rolleyes:

Its in the days that follow that the family grieve. When the house empties of visitors, and that chair in the corner is empty. When a programme comes on and you switch it on without thinking because dad used to watch it. Its when you get engaged and he'll never walk you up the aisle. Its when the first grandchild is born and never gets a cuddle from grandad.

Why are your sisters so bitter?

lulu1

gctest50 wrote: »

which person keeps dragging it back up ?

Its the both of them The reason I am posting today is that i made the mistake of mentioning his name when I visited yesterday.

gctest50

lulu1 wrote: »

Its the both of them The reason I am posting today is that i made the mistake of mentioning his name when I visited yesterday.

do they have kids ?

bee06

lulu1 wrote: »

Its the both of them The reason I am posting today is that i made the mistake of mentioning his name when I visited yesterday.

Have you told them to cop themselves on and that your brother wouldn't want them b*tching at each other on his behalf? That's what I'd do.

Lau2976

Without meaning to sound harsh, your sisters need to grow up. People deal with death in different ways and to hold it against your sister in law is cruel and unfair.

When's grandfather died my father comfort ate for days. Anything in sight was eaten. You wouldn't even have known someone was dead with his reactions.

Your sister in law dealt with it how she did and whether she stands by that or feels guilty is no concern of your families.

matrim

Yes, the way your sisters are still bitching about this years later is a strange way to behave.

lulu1

Neyite wrote: »

Its still incredibly sad and traumatic to lose your father at that age and a mother will still try to do what she can to help them process that. Maybe by being strong while her heart was breaking inside. Maybe by ensuring they eat and leading by example despite having zero appetite. Maybe by being generous enough to allow precious last moments to be shared with the wider family.

Your sisters sound like bitches. Sorry. They sound sanctimoniously smug that THEY grieved properly, unlike his loving wife and kids who were likely in reeling shock and on autopilot. :rolleyes:

Its in the days that follow that the family grieve. When the house empties of visitors, and that chair in the corner is empty. When a programme comes on and you switch it on without thinking because dad used to watch it. Its when you get engaged and he'll never walk you up the aisle. Its when the first grandchild is born and never gets a cuddle from grandad.

Why are your sisters so bitter?

I dont know really i know that you do strange things at times like that. I know them well and I know they would never sit down and eat or fall asleep when a loved on had less than an hour to live and they just found it hurtful

lulu1

bee06 wrote: »

Have you told them to cop themselves on and that your brother wouldn't want them b*tching at each other on his behalf? That's what I'd do.

I have told them 50 times I feel so guilty sitting talking behind someones back that is so not me. I try and change the subject now

lulu1

gctest50 wrote: »

do they have kids ?

yes they do

bee06

lulu1 wrote: »

I have told them 50 times I feel so guilty sitting talking behind someones back that is so not me. I try and change the subject now

I'd just be very clear so that you will not listen to them on the subject anymore and that you will leave the room if they bring it up and I would go so far as to just get up and leave.

Neyite

lulu1 wrote: »

I dont know really i know that you do strange things at times like that. I know them well and I know they would never sit down and eat or fall asleep when a loved on had less than an hour to live and they just found it hurtful

Is it possible that the wife deliberately engineered the meal so that the kids would be away from the bedside and not watch their dad die? Its something I could see my mother doing. And thinking of my own son, I know my partner would never want him to see him die so if he asked me to, I'd protect him from that moment unless he was a full grown man. Maybe your brother asked his wife to do that?

padd b1975

I bet they weren't ordering food when his will was being read.

FactCheck

So, if the children were in their twenties... your brother and wife were together the best part of thirty years? And they had a happy marriage, and she was a good wife to him all that time?

And this pair of bitches are still going on about her using her phone on the day he died?

You need to tell them to cop on to themselves.

What a horrible way to talk about family. Usually someone dying young makes people realise they need to make the most of the time they have with the people they love.