Being wronged - how do you get past it?

NewYork1979 · 11-12-2014 4:04pm #1

Genuinely looking for a bit of advice here. If I'm in the wrong section then Mod feel free to move my post.

I just wondered how people get passed being wronged. Does revenge ever work or is it possible to believe that karma deals with wrongdoings that are done to you? I'm usually quite good to get perspective and let these things to karma but I can't find peace with this and it's six months on.

I had a situation (I volunteer in the animal charity sector) where I trusted the welfare of two animals with someone, a number of months later the animals disappeared, it caused me a huge amount of worry, I continue to worry to this day about the welfare of the animals. These people never showed an ounce of humanity towards me when they knew I was worried and upset, they lied and tried to cover themselves. They say the animals are ok, that they gave them away to someone but they won't provide proof and the lies just contradict their story. I can't get the truth from them, I did try to get help with the few laws that might have helped me but I got nowhere. Most unlike me to do this, I felt dirty to be so revengey but I felt so wronged and just wanted an answer. It didn't matter, I never got my answer. I tried appealing to their good nature but nothing. I'm trying now to just find a way to put it to bed in my head as outside sources are not going to do it for me.

I know to some that this may seem quite trivial and that there are worse things in life and trust me I know. As I write this I realise that it's not the being wronged part that bothers me, I don't need revenge, I don't need to be apologised to, I just want to know what happened and that's the part I am finding hard to park.

Any advice or similar experiences would be welcome. Thanks for reading.

strobe · 11-12-2014 4:08pm

Time was you'd just break into their home and douse their bed in revenge crabs http://crabrevenge.com/ but with pubic hair becoming less and less fashionable that's not even a viable option any more. The world I grow'd up in is gone.

NewYork1979 · 11-12-2014 4:10pm

Indeed

AnonoBoy · 11-12-2014 4:12pm

Lots of things can help.

A new bedspread, or furnishings can relax you.

Join a social club or take up a hobby like knitting, jogging or revenge killing.

11-12-2014 4:14pm

have a nice cup of tea

then burn the house down

don't really though

Wabbit Ears · 11-12-2014 4:18pm

Noone wronged you in anyway in the OP.

Noone in the OP owes you anything emotionally or physically.

Get over yourself.

Donkey Oaty · 11-12-2014 4:20pm

"Forgiveness is a great thing."

- Billy Connolly, in the context of being questioned on how he coped with the legacy of having grown up being raped repeatedly by his father.

NewYork1979 · 11-12-2014 4:21pm

Oh forget it.

DoYouEvenLift · 11-12-2014 4:22pm

No contact.

Dr Strange · 11-12-2014 4:23pm

A slap with the glove and pistols at dawn - it's the only way, OP.

One eyed Jack · 11-12-2014 4:23pm

NewYork1979 wrote: »

Oh forget it.

Good advice. Let it go instead of letting it consume you.

Larbre34 · 11-12-2014 4:25pm

NewYork1979 wrote: »

Oh forget it.

You picked the very wrong forum to be answered seriously. I suggest Soc/Personal issues.

11-12-2014 4:25pm

You could ask other animal welfare charities if they have any advice, they might have been in similar situations. I don't really know what else you could do at this stage

NewYork1979 · 11-12-2014 4:28pm

I wasn't sure if this was the correct forum, I've seen some very good genuine advice and piss takers. I'll move it.

Donkey, your passive aggressive post on trying to give me a dose of perspective says more about you then me.

OldNotWIse · 11-12-2014 4:30pm

I can understand how upsetting this is. We found a dog that had been strayed but couldn't keep it as we are pretty much full up, and a friend of the OH agreed to foster. I didn't hear from her for a couple of days and I began to worry. She ignored my calls. I was desperate and sent her texts saying please just let me know he is ok etc. He was fine in the end, she just hadn't bothered getting in touch!

Like you said, it's not about revenge you just need closure. I wish I could advise you what to do.

Beano · 11-12-2014 4:30pm

consult a qualified civil engineer and build a bridge

OldNotWIse · 11-12-2014 4:31pm

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Good advice. Let it go instead of letting it consume you.

Easier said than done when you open your heart to animals

Wabbit Ears · 11-12-2014 4:32pm

but seriously, explain how you, personally, were wronged?

Do you think these people not explaining themselves to you is you being wronged? Why do you think they own you an explanation as to what they did with these dogs?

To add, I once took in a rescue dog, Had it for a two years and loved that dog but he was to big and unpredictable to have when I had my first child. I re-homed him. I wanted to check on him but my wife and dad advised to just cut the ties and that what I did. In hindsight it was for the best. I don't owe the person who first gave me the dog any explanation as to where that dog is now.

11-12-2014 4:34pm

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

but seriously, explain how you, personally, were wronged?

Do you think these people not explaining themselves to you is you being wronged? Why do you think they own you an explanation as to what they did with these dogs?

If he gave them the animals to foster then they would

Frog Song · 11-12-2014 4:35pm

Time. You'll probably never forget it but as time goes on you'll think about it less and less. Hopefully those dogs are okay but you can't torture yourself wondering if they are or not if there's no way of finding out unfortunately.

Donkey Oaty · 11-12-2014 4:36pm

NewYork1979 wrote: »

I wasn't sure if this was the correct forum, I've seen some very good genuine advice and piss takers. I'll move it.

Donkey, your passive aggressive post on trying to give me a dose of perspective says more about you then me.

Serious question: does the rest of AH share OP's interpretation of my post?

OldNotWIse · 11-12-2014 4:37pm

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

but seriously, explain how you, personally, were wronged?

Do you think these people not explaining themselves to you is you being wronged? Why do you think they own you an explanation as to what they did with these dogs?

To add, I once took in a rescue dog, Had it for a two years and loved that dog but he was to big and unpredictable to have when I had my first child. I re-homed him. I wanted to check on him but my wife and dad advised to just cut the ties and that what I did. In hindsight it was for the best. I don't owe the person who first gave me the dog any explanation as to where that dog is now.

Of course you didn't owe them anything, and fair play to you for what you did, but if the person who gave you the dog initially called and asked how things were etc would it not be just as easy to tell her what you've just told us? I mean, you're right in principle that you don't owe anything, but if someone else is suffering or worrying because you want to make a point, well...what's the point?

edit: and as Bluewolf pointed out, had you been fostering as opposed to just having re-homed the dog, there is an implicit onus on you to keep the person informed. Fostering is temporary. It doesn't give you ownership.

NewYork1979 · 11-12-2014 4:38pm

If I said it once, I said it a thousand times that if there was any problem with them to call me and they'd be taken back. I said at the end of my post that what's getting to me is not being wronged, it's more that I've no idea what happened the animals or why they are lying so I can only deduct they were harmed. I really don't care if these people are muppets or the moralities here, I just want to know if the animals are dead or alive. It's not hard then to feel wronged or to feel I was treated less then decently.

iDave · 11-12-2014 4:38pm

Block them on Facebook

NewYork1979 · 11-12-2014 4:39pm

Donkey Oaty wrote: »

Serious question: does the rest of AH share OP's interpretation of my post?

You're right Donkey, I apologise. I thought you were being smart but on re reading it I know you were just quoting someone.

Gran Hermano · 11-12-2014 4:40pm

Dear Santa, can we please have a large Lego set. We need to build a bridge.....

11-12-2014 4:41pm

You could ask in the animals and pet issues forum also

Philo Beddoe · 11-12-2014 4:41pm

Donkey Oaty wrote: »

Serious question: does the rest of AH share OP's interpretation of my post?

I thought yours was the best and most sincere response!

NewYork1979 · 11-12-2014 4:41pm

I rescued the two of them and bottle fed them, I trusted these people after checking them out from several angles, I gave them medication when one of them got sick, I was always in touch with them. Of course I want to know where the animals are. There's only one reason why they won't tell me or clarify where they are.

Wabbit Ears · 11-12-2014 4:42pm

bluewolf wrote: »

If he gave them the animals to foster then they would

really depends on if the dog was re-homed or fostered. If re-homed the dog is now owned (like the term or not) by the new owners. The new owner have no responsibility to ever have any contact or discussions with the previous owner, be that a shelter or whatnot.

In a fostering situation the dog is owned by the likes of dogs trust and the fosterer is only essentially minding the dog. In this case the fosterers do owe the owners an explantion as to what happens to the dog.

I suppose it changes the dynamic of the OP's question if we are talking about re-homing or fostering

EDIT: ok, according to the OP's response above, no, he re-homed the dog and they owe him nowt...

11-12-2014 4:42pm

Have you made it clear to them you're only asking for knowledge sake and you're not going to start prosecuting them or something if the animals have passed away

OldNotWIse · 11-12-2014 4:42pm

Gran Hermano wrote: »

Dear Santa, can we please have a large Lego set. We need to build a bridge.....

I think the bridge construction one-liners are getting a little jaded...even in AH

OldNotWIse · 11-12-2014 4:44pm

NewYork1979 wrote: »

I rescued the two of them and bottle fed them, I trusted these people after checking them out from several angles, I gave them medication when one of them got sick, I was always in touch with them. Of course I want to know where the animals are. There's only one reason why they won't tell me or clarify where they are.

I don't have a gut feel for the situation but just to trash out some possibilities. Would it be a case that they are attached to the animals and they are afraid you want them back? Or do you know they are gone elsewhere?

NewYork1979 · 11-12-2014 4:46pm

bluewolf wrote: »

Have you made it clear to them you're only asking for knowledge sake and you're not going to start prosecuting them or something if the animals have passed away

The animals were rehomed to them but I was very much in touch with them as I was paying for them to be microchipped myself, I paid for everything until they were rehomed, vaccinations etc. This was very much a good natured relationship until they got rid of them. It seems the father of the family wanted them gone and so he apparently gave them to someone, someone who told me a load of lies when I was given his number. I asked and begged very nicely at the start, it did disintegrate as I got desperate and I got the ISPCA involved but there was nothing they could do, the guards helped but nothing.

11-12-2014 4:47pm

I'm really sorry to hear that, I'd be heart broken. Do you know where the new person lives

11-12-2014 4:48pm

Seriously?

There is only one way!

11-12-2014 4:48pm

NewYork1979 wrote: »

I wasn't sure if this was the correct forum, I've seen some very good genuine advice and piss takers. I'll move it.

Donkey, your passive aggressive post on trying to give me a dose of perspective says more about you then me.

New Yorker I couldn't agree more with you. There are so many losers who lack even basic empathy on sites like this. So be careful and protect yourself. I love animals too and would be just as upset as you. It takes someone with a big heart to go out and volunteer with abandoned animals and I bet the first few people who responded have never done that.

(On another note revenge works sometimes - it certainly has for me. Nobody got killed but it helped me get over being dumped when I was in a very bad relationship. The best revenge was that in the last 6 months he has contacted me many times to ask me out again! He never thought I would leave him. I wouldnt go back, its over).

I dont know what revenge you would have in mind but if it works for you even as a once off then go for it!! It may never give you the answer and thats what hurts as it was about 2 innocent animals in this case and not even about you. I'd say thats why its bothering you still. Good luck :-)

One eyed Jack · 11-12-2014 4:49pm

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Easier said than done when you open your heart to animals

I imagined the OP was speaking more generally though is all, as in how do other people get over feeling like they were wronged in some way. If I had understood that they were specifically looking for other people's stories of their experiences when they opened their hearts to animals, well, posted this before in another thread -

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Ohh Jesus, thank fcuk I read that story!

I was welling up here with tears in my eyes because I'm forever bringing home stray cats and kittens, but the one that really reduces me to tears every time I think about her was the kitten I found in a puddle on the side of the road that had been run over by a car, but was still alive. I took her home and cleaned her up, then brought her to the vet the next morning. He told me it might be better to put her to sleep as her hip was broken. I was horrified at the idea, the names I didn't call him under my breath! I spent the afternoon ringing vets up and down the country, money didn't come into it, I wanted this kitten to live. Every single bloody vet told me the same story. I was gutted having to accept it and bring the kitten to a different vet, I couldn't face the same guy again. Half an hour later I was truly inconsolable and angry that nothing could have been done. I didn't understand it at the time but definitely the quality of life argument Is a tough one to have to call, and I guess if I had let her go the first time the vet suggested it, it probably would have been easier on both of us.

I'm not sure that helps though

NewYork1979 · 11-12-2014 4:49pm

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I don't have a gut feel for the situation but just to trash out some possibilities. Would it be a case that they are attached to the animals and they are afraid you want them back? Or do you know they are gone elsewhere?

I just posted above, I think the father wanted them gone and it spiralled from there. I think he gave them to someone who either a) got rid of them on his behalf or b) the new person won't provide me with evidence they are ok, of course he doesn't have to provide evidence but unless he likes seeing grown women cry then they are harmed. I can't see how it played out any other way.

It would be easier to know they were dead. I know enough about animal cruelty through what I do and death sometimes is the best option.

Wabbit Ears · 11-12-2014 4:49pm

I bought a car and changed the oil and serviced it myself. I loved that car. I gave that car to my neighbour but that dad didn't like it and my neighbour gave the car to someone else. I tried to contact that 3rd party and they, not knowing me from jack, refused to give me any information about the car, its whereabouts or how they were treating it.

11-12-2014 4:51pm

A car is different to a little doggy that trusted you and might be getting harmed or met a horrible end by some randomer when they don't know why or what was going on!!

OldNotWIse · 11-12-2014 4:52pm

NewYork1979 wrote: »

The animals were rehomed to them but I was very much in touch with them as I was paying for them to be microchipped myself, I paid for everything until they were rehomed, vaccinations etc. This was very much a good natured relationship until they got rid of them. It seems the father of the family wanted them gone and so he apparently gave them to someone, someone who told me a load of lies when I was given his number. I asked and begged very nicely at the start, it did disintegrate as I got desperate and I got the ISPCA involved but there was nothing they could do, the guards helped but nothing.

Jeez why didn't the dad just surrender them back to the shelter? Real bug bear of mine that people (for whatever reason) won't do this. It's not like they will be judged. it's the responsible thing to do - to say hey actually we can't cope, take it back please. I feel so angry when I read about kittens being drowned and pups and dogs ebing abandoned etc - even if they left them tied up outside a shelter it would give them some chance!

(that's how we got one one of our cats, she was left in a box outside the shelter I worked at - she still loves sleeping in boxes and little confined spaces)

Wabbit Ears · 11-12-2014 4:54pm

in reality its not any different. I am a dog lover but dogs are bought , sold and traded. They are a commodity just like a car.

Just because the OP is emotionally attached to the dog doesn't change the fact that by now its changed ownership two times

OldNotWIse · 11-12-2014 4:55pm

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

I bought a car and changed the oil and serviced it myself. I loved that car. I gave that car to my neighbour but that dad didn't like it and my neighbour gave the car to someone else. I tried to contact that 3rd party and they, not knowing me from jack, refused to give me any information about the car, its whereabouts or how they were treating it.

Comparing a vehicle to a living, feeling animal?

Although my brother is only short of kissing his car goodnight

OldNotWIse · 11-12-2014 4:56pm

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

in reality its not any different. I am a dog lover but dogs are bought , sold and traded. They are a commodity just like a car.

Just because the OP is emotionally attached to the dog doesn't change the fact that by now its changed ownership two times

What about the ones that are rescued and re-homed? My dog is not a commodity thank you very much

NewYork1979 · 11-12-2014 4:59pm

I really don't care about the people or my ego or anything like it, wronged really is the incorrect word to use. I just want to know they are ok. I rescued four puppies and I still have the other two as I can't face this happening again, I look at the two guys at home and it upsets me every day to think where their brothers are.

The revenge part is just me getting upset as I am heartbroken over it, it makes no sense to me why they won't tell me the truth and I just think they are horrible humans.

From what I gather the father is very much the boss of his household and isn't really someone who does the right thing. I guess my radar for w**kers was out the day I did that homecheck, they were given a good reference from a fellow animal lover who is just as upset as me now.

NewYork1979 · 11-12-2014 5:01pm

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

in reality its not any different. I am a dog lover but dogs are bought , sold and traded. They are a commodity just like a car.

Just because the OP is emotionally attached to the dog doesn't change the fact that by now its changed ownership two times

Ok and even if you look at it like that, why would you make someone suffer who just wanted to know they were ok? I never once threatened to take them back, I made it very clear I just wanted to know they were ok.

Korat · 11-12-2014 5:02pm

It seems a bit extreme to be talking about revenge.

I hope the animals are ok but perhaps your deep concern was misinterpreted by the people you gave the animals to and they decided it was best not to remain in contact with you.

OldNotWIse · 11-12-2014 5:03pm

NewYork1979 wrote: »

I really don't care about the people or my ego or anything like it, wronged really is the incorrect word to use. I just want to know they are ok. I rescued four puppies and I still have the other two as I can't face this happening again, I look at the two guys at home and it upsets me every day to think where their brothers are.

The revenge part is just me getting upset as I am heartbroken over it, it makes no sense to me why they won't tell me the truth and I just think they are horrible humans.

From what I gather the father is very much the boss of his household and isn't really someone who does the right thing. I guess my radar for w**kers was out the day I did that homecheck, they were given a good reference from a fellow animal lover who is just as upset as me now.

Exactly. I know how you feel and to be honest there are some people on here acting as if you came on complaining about breach of contract or something :rolleyes: There are sh.itheads in the world and sometimes we have to move on because we are no good to the (thousands of other) fur babies that need us today and will need us tomorrow. You did your best and at least you have a clear conscience. I know it all sounds very trite, sorry

riffmongous · 11-12-2014 5:06pm

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

in reality its not any different. I am a dog lover but dogs are bought , sold and traded. They are a commodity just like a car.

Just because the OP is emotionally attached to the dog doesn't change the fact that by now its changed ownership two times

What are you on about? People have the same emotional attachment to a dog as a car because you can sell them? I think you are over estimating the amount of affection a car can show its loved ones, you're not Michael Knight by any chance?

NewYork1979 · 11-12-2014 5:06pm

Korat wrote: »

It seems a bit extreme to be talking about revenge.

I hope the animals are ok but perhaps your deep concern was misinterpreted by the people you gave the animals to and they decided it was best not to remain in contact with you.

My deep concern didn't translate into stalking the people. I was rarely onto them, I got onto them when the dogs needed to be microchipped and that's when I found out. Honestly, it wasn't a case of stalking the people, I'm way too busy and if anything I am kicking myself for not checking in more. I know my posts are emotive but I'm not some crazy.

Being wronged - how do you get past it?

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