Is he committed? If yes, why still doesn't want to propose?

interracial84 · 07-12-2014 11:57pm #1

Me and my boyfriend are in our late twenties; we both are Financial Independent adults.

I know him for 4 years already, we live in the same neighborhood. The first 2.5 years, we were acquaintance then became casual friends.
The next 6 months he spend to chase me. He chase hard for 6 months just trying to get one date with me.
He waited outside my apartment stairs many times, just to wait to see me so he can asked for my cell phone number.
After he have my phone #, he wants to spend more time with me; so he still wait outside my stairs hoping I would open the door, and go outside to see him/hang around with him.
I know we live in the same neighborhood and all, but I think it was extreme to be waiting outside a girl's staircase. He must be serious right?

I pretty much was touch by his persistent, and I didn't want to keep him waiting outside, it was cold in the winter time too. So I gave in to be his girl, and that how this relationship started.
We have been dating for 1 year already, and we are in committed relationship. The ways he treats me is still the same as day one, he is a caring, loving and protective boyfriend. He doesn't even let me carried a light bag of groccery, lol.

We are an interracial couple, so we do get alot of ignorant/negatives comments towards us,and his "skin color"; but it doesn't bother him at all. He told me to be strong and "We" will make it through this together.
It is all his effort, his persistent and steady affection that help carried this whole relationship through till now.

I believe he committed to me because out of his own willing, he bought matching 'promise ring' to show his commitment (it's the classic band wedding ring type).
He wears the ring on his finger all the times (even without me remind him). So this should be a good sign that he committed right?
He wear the ring everywhere, I don't know if he take it off when carried big work load at his Warehouse job. But whenever he not at work, I always see him wear it.

He always wants to live together with me, and he mentioned marriage. He even asked me when am I going to give him a son, yet still have not pop the "propose" question.
So should I be worried? I am sure he is not cheating on me because after work he drive straight back to be with me, and he tell me his whereabouts.
We both work full time, so whenever we have same day/time off, we do sleep in the same bed. And I know his body smell, so if there another woman smell on his body, I would definately know.
So far no clues or signs of him cheating, no different smell on his body. So cheating is not a possibility, unless he hide it real good.

I just wondering why he still not propose yet? When he always wear the ring, and he talks about live together/marriage/give him a son, etc...
Of course I don't want to force him into marriage, it is not true happiness if you are forcing your man to married you.
Any opinion/advice on why he still not propose? Should I worried that he not committed to me, any red flags?
So I'm just the girl in his neighborhood, the official "girlfriend", the girl got him to wear the 'promise ring", and that's it? This gonna to be the status for the rest of my life?

BTW, we are a poor couple live in "the Hood" (neighborhood for lower income people). He is far from rich, neither am I, but we both have full time job. I splits half half on dates with him, I always pay for my own.
I voluntary to help him because I know he doesn't have much money himself.

I told him that if we live together. It will be 50/50 Financially; that this month I pay for rent, next month he pay for rent. All household bills will be split half half, evenly distributed.
So money shouldn't be why he scare of marriage, because he have no assets. His permanent address is his mom place, he have no place of his own. He only have clothes, some favorite books of his, his Car, and his Warehouse job.

I know some men scare of marriage, because they don't want to loose their Assets if divorce, but my boyfriend doesn't have any assets.
He even asked me when am I going to give him a son, yet no propose... should I worried if he truely being commited to me?

strobe · 08-12-2014 9:45am

Is he Irish? It's far from normal for Irish people to propose marriage after a year of going out with each other and having not even tried living together yet. It's nothing to do with lack of commitment though.

Realt Dearg Sec · 08-12-2014 9:46am

A year! Ffs, I'd be running scared if awoman started throwing around the W word after a year, and you're not even living together! Reverse! Reverse!

LegacyUser · 08-12-2014 10:05am

Welcome to the Irish scene, OP, Be prepared to wait!
Many couples don't get married unless they've been dating for many years.
I've been at 5 weddings in 2014, & those couples were dating for 8 years, 10 years, 7 years, 15 years& 6 years respectively.

interracial84 · 08-12-2014 10:39am

Before I answer the question, what do you mean by Irish? As in he White?
We're in committed relationship for a year, but I know him for 4 years already (we live in the same neighborhood)

It just throughout this whole interracial relationship, I get all kinds of negative/ignorant comments about us: such as he is a player, he just gonna hit and run, he not serious, he won't ever married me, I am just something new to him, etc... I don't think this is the case; due to how long he been chasing me, and he is the emotionally strong one that hold on to this relationship, despite all the racist/discrimination stuff we get everyday.

It just being an Asian girl, my culture is very different from his, and I don't want to be the Asian girl that is NOT married, yet become the "baby mama", that will be veryyy embarrassinggg... I hope he truely committed to me.

interracial84 · 08-12-2014 10:45am

Well, I answer the question now.
We're NOT Irish, we live in USA, so we are Americans, I'm Asian and he Black.
I am Asian-American, and he is African-American.

This whole relationship have been stress for me due to I get ignorant/racist comments from everyone including my mother. Fortunately for me, I don't live with my mother, I live on my own, so my mom cannot control who I date.

He is the strong one in this relationship, he said we going to make it through together. But me being Asian, I guess the way I raise, and my culture is not strong minded as his; but I am still trying though because I can't picture my life without him.

08-12-2014 10:56am

OP I think it's him you need to be talking to about this particularly if he's on about wanting kids. if he says he wants a kid, point out you'd prefer to wait until you're married and ask how he sees that going.
I understand you need the security and reassurance of it if you're getting stick from everyone around you about it, and I don't see the harm in having the discussion with him.
Don't just sit around waiting for him to ask, it's your life

This is an irish discussion forum based in ireland, and the culture here may be different to what you are used to, hence the question. His colour was not in question.
of course you're still welcome to ask your advice here, it was just for clarity people were asking.

interracial84 · 08-12-2014 11:10am

Oh, I am so sorry. I was Google and I came across this website, I read around and like the site, so I decided to post my thread for some advice.
Sorry, I hope it is OK for me to be American and come here posted. Thank you

It been tough for me, due to our cultures are greatly different. It is amazing how he still hang on trying to make this relationship work out, there times when I want to give up for his shake, but he just WON'T at all.

suicide_circus · 08-12-2014 4:06pm

It sounds like you have much more "traditional" values than he has.

I don't know what the culture is like in the US but expecting marriage after one year sounds strange to me.

You need to make it clear to this man what you want and what you expect, he probably is not a mind reader. Talk to him.

bjork · 08-12-2014 5:34pm

Although you may both have different heritages you share the common American culture I presume? So I'm not really understanding the whole different culture thing.

Regardless of background or culture if this is something you have decided you need to move the relationship forward, you need to sit down and discuss it with him to see if he also agrees and work out a way to move things forward. If he does not agree you either need to break from the relationship or compromise in a way that meets your needs as well as his. Timeframes for example of when he see this phase in occurring in his life etc. Will ye be moving in beforehand and living together etc

Having said all that, 1 year is short and although you knew him beforehand, it is quick to be married. I would ignore all the racial comments, people who make them are obviously unhappy in their own lives and need to project anger on to anything that is different to them (although in this day and age is an inter racial couple really "different"?).

cookiexx · 08-12-2014 5:38pm

A years is no time and madness in terms of getting engaged after that point. do you live together? have the same values and ambitions and future plans and goals?

bee06 · 08-12-2014 5:47pm

OP as others have said I would find a year very soon to be getting engaged. Lots of steps in the relationship to go before that. However if you find that his comments about having kids are serious rather than a someday down the road kind of comment then I would be clear that you dont see yourself having kids until you're married. Be clear on what your values are and he should do the same and hopefully you can match up or at least come to a happy compromise.

interracial84 · 08-12-2014 6:02pm

I never expect marriage from him. You right one year is not long enough to be married, but is 1 year long enough have a baby out of the wedlock?

I admit I think of marriage, because I don't want to be the "Baby Mama" tittle. You do NOT know how hard it be for an Asian girl, and being unmarried with a baby?
I will be know as the Asian girl who got knock up, and now is a Baby Mama.
The whole Asian community will talks s-h-i-t about me, further worst they going to say I got knock up by a Black guy. (not that his race matter since I do love him, but can you see the "tone" in their ignorant attitude?)
And my parents will disown me. it doesn't matter that they disown me, since I survive on my own, I move out for more than a decade without my parents..
But still... come on, what kind of daughter would want their parents to DISOWN them?

I just need time to digest of HOW am I going to accept the 'BABY MAMA' tittle without being married. To the western culture maybe it is not a big deal, but to my Asian culture, it really A BIG DEAL!!!
I know I love him, I do, but I don't know if that love is enough for me to give him a son out of the wedlock.

Lord, and he wants a SON, always the word "son" out of his mouth.
How the heck am I suppose to guarantee that it gonna be a son? What happened if it turn out to be a daughter? Will he still want the baby if it a daughter?
what up with all the 'men' mind, why always want a 'son"? and not a daughter?

FactCheck · 08-12-2014 6:02pm

To be fair, in many American subcultures (including white, black, and Asian ones), it's quite common to be engaged after one year. Whether we think that's a good idea or not, it's not that unusual for people to have strong objections to having children or living together without marriage or at least a proposal.

So having said that, my advice is: he's not a mind reader! If you want to get married, tell him. When he mentions living together or having children, say that you would only want to do that if you were married.

You can have whatever preferences you like, and run your private relationship however you like. Just be upfront about it. Don't sit around being coy for another year. Spit it out!

interracial84 · 08-12-2014 6:04pm

We been together for a year already, 1 year already.
But I know him for 4 years because we live in the same neighborhood.
The first 2.5 years, we were acquaintance and then casual friends.
The next 6 months he spend to chase me, then I gave in
Then now we together for a year already.
2015 will begin the year number 2

It is NOT too early for us, due to we are in the same neighborhood, and we see each others everyday. Come on, his apartment is few minutes in walking distant away from mine.
And when two people are this close distant together, things will happen 10 times FASTER than other couples who far distant from each others.

But I have to admit, he moving things faster than me, I am the slow pace one in this relationship; he is the one always initiate things.

FactCheck · 08-12-2014 6:04pm

Are the "son" comments perhaps a jokey way for him to imply he does want children, and he wants them with you, without having to have a big heavy relationship conversation? Some people like to use humour to get stuff like that across. It's a bit immature, but I suppose there are much worse traits to have.

ElleEm · 08-12-2014 6:11pm

It sounds like you are clear in your decision- you do not want a child without being married, so just tell him this next time he mentions "giving him a son".

Do you want a baby? Are you ready financially? How would you manage with a child living in separate homes?

It certainly seems like you need to have a deeper conversation with him about your future but most of your posts are about what he wants. What about you?

Big Bag of Chips · 08-12-2014 6:12pm

Do you trust him? Does he respect you? Why do you think you will have a baby before you are married? Surely you get to decide if/when you get pregnant. If you don't want to have a baby before marriage, then make sure you take all reasonable precautions.

Do you think he will try force you to get pregnant? Do you think he will try black mail you to get pregnant first? If he does he's not such a great guy after all.. If he doesn't, then you have nothing to worry about.

A year is a short time. Whether you are in Ireland or the US, living next door or 100 miles apart. It seems you don't even really know much about him if you are so worried about being used as a "baby mamma". Or that you are worried about talking to him about all this. A marriage needs more than being madly in love. It needs honesty, communication and trust.

interracial84 · 08-12-2014 6:37pm

FactCheck, I don't think he joking fully.
Here is why: My BF have lots of one night stand in the past.
But he is smart, he told me he always use a condom, since the one night stand were just PURELY PHYSICAL for him, there was no Emotional attachment into it.
So after sex he leaves right away, and he always use a condom because he doesn't want to pay for Child support.
He is 29, and he does NOT have any baby mama, so he is a pretty self control guy, considered he always remember how to wear a Condom.

There is this guy here in my neighborhood who is also Black, and is around the same age has my boyfriend, yet this guy already have 5 babies with 5 different baby mama already.
Now if this guy was SMART like my boyfriend, Remember to use a Condom, then this guy don't have to be worrying paying for child support for all those 4-5 babies for the remaining of their lives.

Please don't take offended the statement above about there a black guy here that have 5 baby mama, (I apologize if I offended anyone) I am NOT talking about all the black guys out there. I am just giving a SPECIFIC example of one black guy case that live in my neighborhood.

My boyfriend whenver he see the neighbor kids outside playing in the playground, or kids running around; he alwasy ask me when will I give him a son? I guess he half jokes, and half serious.
But when we sleep together, he does NOT use a condom on me.
Well, we are in a committed relationship, and he is the first guy I sleep with, so he knows I am clean, so he doesn't use a condom.
But what ever his reason, he not using a condom on me, making me to believe that he maybe really want a baby.

I am serious about this, I DO NOT want to get knock up and be know as the "BABY MAMA", I know I do love him alot, but I don't know if my love for him is enough to give him a baby out of the wedlock. I hope I make sense to everyone here...

Please put yourself in my situation, being an Asian girl, not married and have a baby is really 'a bad thing' in my culture. Maybe to his culture is not a big deal, but to mine it is.

ElleEm · 08-12-2014 6:46pm

You really shouldn't be having unprotected sex with a person withot knowing for sure that they are free of STIs. Are you on other contraception to protect you against pregnancy at least? You cannot take his word for it. You seem to be very naive. You should be talking to him about this and make your decision very clear.

bjork · 08-12-2014 6:46pm

Do you really believe that he used a condom with every other girl apart from you because he knows your clean? Do you know if he's clean? has he been tested? Just because he doesn't have other kids doesn't mean he hasn't any sexually transmitted diseases.

If you don't want to have a baby with him before marriage, maybe you should insist on a condom to prevent it. The pill (Are you on the pill?) can and does fail. A baby is a bigger commitment than a marriage.

bee06 · 08-12-2014 6:53pm

OP are you using some form of birth control if you are not using condoms?

The bottom line is just because he wants a son doesn't mean you have to give in to this if you don't feel comfortable. Talk to him and tell him how you feel.

interracial84 · 08-12-2014 7:26pm

He told me he use a condom in all his one night stand.
But he doesn't use it in his last 2 relationship. He have like 2 relationship prior to me. And I am aware he didn't use a condom with those girls, but this was back in his college days, and I didn't think at the age of 18-22, those girls he meet in college would be in the higher risk category of STD and HIV due to their young age, and busy going to school.

I am NOT naive as you think, maybe just little bit.
I live in the same neighborhood with him for 4 years, we were friends before we get together as a couple, and I was friends with him so I know him well.
I know his whole family as well as his friends, we also have mutual friends from the neighborhood too.

We friends 2.5 years before he chase me (this whole 2.5 years I know he not dating anyone),
afterward he chase me 6 months, that whole six months I put him on the test to see his persistent.
Would any guy that not serious would be chasing a girl for six months?
he wait many nights outside my stairs too, and I know he is out there, yet I still test his patience, I let him continue to wait in the cold.
But then I eventually gave in and agree to be his girl, and that how we started.

He is a regular donor blood to the American Red Cross, I saw his blood donation card in his wallet. Don't regular blood donor check for HIV as well as STD?
I was very honest with him, let him know that I was a virgin, and I say it to his face that I will be bored him in bed due to I don't have any sexual experience, and if he wants to run then run.
But I he still with me, so I guess I haven't bored him out that much yet.

Well from being his friends and around him in this pass 4 years of him being my neighbors, so I know he didn't bring any girls back here to slepe, becasue he can't hide it from me.
Maybe I was stupid to give him my V-card without get him to check for STD, but I know after I lost my virginity to him, I did go get myself a check up and that including STD testing, and I come out clean.

Even till now, one year into the relationship, I still get clean results, so it safe to say that he also clean.
And now I eversince he date me, there no other women, because I know his body smell too well; if there another woman smell on him, I would definatley know (we women are sensitive in this)

08-12-2014 7:29pm

OP I assume you are on the pill?
You keep, rightly, being concerned about the "baby mama" thing, but you act as though you don't have any choice in it. Of course you do. Go on the pill if you aren't already and maybe even use condoms also. TALK to him properly about all this and how you feel about it. Don't be passive.

MistyCheese · 08-12-2014 8:42pm

Honey if you're having unprotected sex with a man and end up as his baby mama then it's really your own fault. He wants a baby and he's going the right way about getting a baby. You want to be married before having a baby so you need to quit having unprotected sex because that's how you get a baby.

The next time he asks when you're going to give him a son sit his a.s.s down and tell him no rings, no babies.

You can also tell him that it's men, not women, who determine the gender of a baby. The woman provides an X chromosome and the man can provide an X or a Y chromosome. If he brings an X to the table you'll be having a girl. If he wants a boy he needs to supply you with a Y chromosome. So don't let him guilt you over gender.

Obviously the first thing you need to do is talk to him. Let him know that you're happy to have a baby with him, but you will need to be married first and ask him if he sees that happening, would he like marriage and then babies in the next year? Two years? Five years? Then decide if his answers match closely enough with what you want out of life.

If you want to marry this man you will need to be able to discuss things with him. Unless you're happy to sit back and let him make all the decisions.

strobe · 08-12-2014 9:09pm

Lots of men don't like to use condoms in a relationship, but always do for ONS's. It doesn't mean they want a baby with the girl they are in a relationship with though.

Ask him straight out if he wants to have a baby. It's really hard to tell if you just think he does or if he does, even for you apparently. So just ask him straight out, if that's what he wants or if he was just joking. Then ask him straight out about his thoughts on marriage at some point in the future.

Just to point something out

Look it's not an insult... but you're clearly a bit naive...

There's nothing wrong with that. And I'm not suggesting he's cheating. But just don't go thinking you apparently have been round the block and are all clued up. You're obviously not. And just in case you're not, use birth control, on your end of things if nothing else, but condoms would be a good idea too, if you don't want to be a 'Baby Mama'.

woodchuck · 08-12-2014 9:19pm

OP, if you don't want to have a baby outside of wedlock, then DON'T. You have a choice in the matter. I really really hope you are on the pill?! If you're not, then that's the first thing you need to do!!

Secondly, do you communicate openly with your boyfriend? Because from the sounds of it you don't. You really need to make YOUR needs heard as well as listening to his. Relationships are about open communication, common goals/values and compromise where possible. Don't be afraid to speak up.

Thirdly... and forgive me for asking the question... but do you really love him? You've repeatedly mentioned how he chased you for 6 months and you eventually 'gave in' and 'agreed' to be his girl. Were you just worn down by his persistence? Why are you with him? You don't even have to tell us why, but I just hope it's something you ask yourself and that you're with him for the right reasons.

interracial84 · 08-12-2014 9:43pm

I believe he wants a baby, because he does NOT want me to be on the pills, and he does NOT use a condom.

Fortunately for me he works often in the night shift, and I work in day shift, so a week we have like 2 days where we have the same hours off together, and we spend all day together, and that include sex.
Other days when we both busy work, we do make an effort to see each others though, but we have like 4 hours together until he went off to work again.

And I do love him. I date him knowing he poor, and have rough childhood like his in and out of jail decease father.
I know he doesn't have money much so I voluntary to helps him pays half half on dates, and I never ask him to buy me anything.
I cook and clean for him, I worried about his driving safety when he drive back from work lates, and I give him my virginity.
If these are not love, then I don't know what is? For western culture, virginity is not important, but for Asian culture like myself, it is very important.

I never ask him to take responsibility for me, because I am an adult, I can take care of myself.
But what I want is he take responsibility for his kids, if we ever have kids in the future, you know what I mean?

I need to have aserious talk with him, and get to a common ground on the Baby Mama issue. I think sometimes I spoil him too much, I always let him have things his ways.

strobe · 08-12-2014 9:47pm

Yeah... unless there is something not working right with one of you biologically. Then you're going to get pregnant.

bjork · 08-12-2014 9:48pm

So you don't want a baby before being married, yet you are having unprotected sex with him? Why? You are not taking care of yourself if you do not want a child at this time and are not using protection.

I beginning to think this is a joke tbh

interracial84 · 08-12-2014 9:56pm

bjork, I am dead serious.
I never say I DON'T want a baby.

I said I do NOT want to get the Baby Mama tittle.

I am looking for him to propose to me, and I am waiting...
But this obviously is NOT working, due to I need an answer fast.
I am already 30 this year, I'm not young anymore. Being Asian does helps look young, but I'm sure my clock is ticking.

I need to have a serious talk with him, asking him how long do I have to wait. I tend to let him have things his ways, I'm the passive one. I need to be more assertive.

bjork · 08-12-2014 10:00pm

You say you don't want the title of "baby mama" yet you are taking no steps to prevent it. What are you going to do if you get pregnant and he doesn't want to marry you. Then you will a have the title of "Baby Mama" you are so desperate to avoid.

or do you think that by you being pregnant he will be forced in to marrying you? Because that's not how things work in reality

woodchuck · 08-12-2014 10:02pm

You only said he doesn't want you on the pill... should take it from that that you're NOT on the pill?! :eek: For the love of god, you KNOW you're going to end up pregnant sooner or later if you keep that up (unless there's something physically wrong with you both). You need to take control of the situation, NOW.

Does he love you? Everything you've written here is about what you do for him. I hope for your sake that it's reciprocated.

Yes... yes you really really do...

interracial84 · 08-12-2014 10:03pm

You right, that is why I say this need to stop, until we get to the common ground on the baby mama issue.
I mean the sex need to stop, until I can get him to tell me if he ever want to get married.

I need to sit down and ask him directly, if he ever think of marriage with me one day. I will be content if his answer is Yes.
NOT the answer "baby, I married you if YOU want" --- NOPEEE!! I won't take that!!
I want it to come out of his own heart, that he WILLINGLY WANTS to married me one day, out of his OWN WILLING!!

bee06 · 08-12-2014 10:03pm

OP, it's not about being assertive and demanding he marry you. It's about being honest about what you want for your life with him. No offence but I'm really surprised you are 29. You come across as much younger with what you've said on this thread.

woodchuck · 08-12-2014 10:04pm

You obviously don't want to have a baby out of wedlock. We all get that, and nobody questions that. But you need to stop having unprotected sex with him NOW until you resolve this issue with him!! It's not a matter of how long you have to wait to get a proposal/married. If you're having unprotected sex then it could already be too late (you could be pregnant right now!!). Every time you have unprotected sex you risk getting pregnant and being given the title 'baby momma' that you're so desperate to avoid.

For your own sake, do NOT have unprotected sex until you're married if you do not want to have a baby before you are married. It's really not that complicated...

interracial84 · 08-12-2014 10:06pm

woodchuck, bjork, you jumping the horse here.
I say that he does not want me to be on the pills. He have been pressing this baby issue for the past few months,
I was on the pills before, but then I got on and off.
But for the past few months, I was completely off due to he ask me to stop it.

So yes, I am stupid for always let him have things his ways. This also need to stop.

woodchuck · 08-12-2014 10:07pm

So you HAVE been having unprotected sex. I stand by everything I've said. Taking the pill 'on and off' is not the same as taking it consistently.

If you get pregnant out of wedlock, you'll only have yourself to blame if you haven't been taking proper precautions.

bjork · 08-12-2014 10:08pm

What were his reasons for stopping you from taking the pill?
Was it so you could get pregnant and have a baby?

You are only going out a year and he is pressing the baby issue for the last few months, how long in to the relationship did you come off the pill

maria34 · 08-12-2014 10:11pm

it sounds a bit weird to me as you are 30 but so naive. why you keep having unprotected sex with him? you dont want to be a baby mama tho!
second thing is - if you get married and have a baby, nobody guaranties you will stay together forever. so you will be a baby mama once you divorce?

it looks like you dont trust him and arent sure is he up for any good. you have to trust your man 100% to get married and count on him!

you posted here, so you are obviously worried about things. its like sixth sense women have. if you think something wrong is going on, stop unprotected sex!!! and if you still think you want to stay with him and marry, why not ask yourself. women and men are equal these days.

interracial84 · 08-12-2014 10:12pm

bee06,

I considered myself mature, due to I move out on my own since the age of 18, and I survive on my own, working with my own hands, and paying my own rent and bills.

Perhaps you miss my other thread where I ask for advice due to my abusive mother who belittle me, and mentally/verbally abuse me, as well as physically abuse me through my whole childhood. The domestic "child abuse" was big, I end up in 'foster home" for few years.

After I turn 18, I move oout of the house as fast as I can, obviously the damage my mother did to me was beyond repairable.
You try living on your own without a penny from your parents at the age of 18 to 30, and tell me what you think okay.

Regarding to dating, I don't have much experience. Due to my priority was not love, I was busy working full time to support myself.
I even dropped out of college in my 2nd year, because I couldn't struggle the hours of work full time and go school full time.

Back in my college years, I did have an ex-boyfriend, but it obviously wasn't serious since there was no sex involved. Afterward I did go out on few dates, and that as far as it get. Until I meet my current boyfriend when I move into this neighborhood.

So you calling me not mature is calling my dating experience, this I agree.
As for Financially independent, I been mature since the age of 18

woodchuck · 08-12-2014 10:12pm

If you don't want to have a baby out of wedlock, you need to stop having UNPROTECTED sex until you're actually married.

Glad to see you're coming around to some sense on this. But I still think you need to be clear that it's not about not having sex at all, just about not having unprotected sex. And that should be until you're actually married (from what you've said about not having a baby outside of wedlock), not just until he demonstrates his intent to marry.

interracial84 · 08-12-2014 10:15pm

calling me immature, try having an abusive mother who beats you in your childhood, and try moving out at the age of 18 survive on your own without a penny from your parents or anyone, then tell me how hard that is.

maria34, you right, it just my sixth sense been got me worried.
I do want a baby, that is why I been off the pills for the last few months, but now few months passed and he still haven't pop the marriage question, so I start to wonder if I make the right decission, perhaps it is not.

bjork · 08-12-2014 10:17pm

So you have been actively trying for a baby, even though you don't want the title of "baby mama" in the hope that he would propose in the meantime?

In the discussion you had with him when you came off the pill, did you bring up the topic of marriage with him? What was his answer then? If it was he wasn't ready yet, why did you come off the pill ?

bee06 · 08-12-2014 10:19pm

There are different types of maturity and to be honest your attitude to becoming a "baby mama" but still having unprotected sex because he told you to come off the pill is completely immature. If a 20 year old came on here saying these things I'd think they were immature.

You did a great job taking control of your life from an abusive parent when you were 18 and here you are giving up that hard earned control to a man and taking risks that may leave you in a position that you are 100% against. Take back control of your life before the worst happens!

interracial84 · 08-12-2014 10:20pm

pretty much I guess I do want a baby.
But I don't want to be know as the Asian girl not married and have a baby.
so I hope in would propose to me in the past few months, but still not happening yet, so now my only option left is to have a serious talk with him, on where we stand on this baby issue.

Obviously my culture is more 'traditional' than his. I am just having internal conflict right now with my emotions and my cultures.

bjork · 08-12-2014 10:23pm

Did you have a serious talk with him on the baby issue when you discussed coming off the pill. Was marriage mentioned during that conversation?

Big Bag of Chips · 08-12-2014 10:25pm

Are you hoping you will get pregnant and THEN he will propose?

Pretty big gamble you're taking there!

Have you told him you don't want a baby before you're married? A year is no length of time to be deciding to have a baby with a person you can't discuss the basics of life with.

You can divorce from a marriage... You can't get out of parenthood so easy.

interracial84 · 08-12-2014 10:27pm

You right bee06, I survive on my own more than a decade without help from anyone.
Everything I have is make out of my own hard work money, I haven't spend a penny of that abusive mother of mine the day I walk out of that hell house.

I guess deep down inside me I want a baby, you know what I mean?
I just don't want the 'baby Mama' tittle due to my culture think that is a shame, and I will get alot of slam about it in my commmunity and my parents will disown me. Which I said before, I don't care if they disown me, I have move out of their house since the age 18.
I don't need them for more than a decade, why I need them now.
And did I mentioend my racist mother attitude against my BF? She was so ignorant and very disrespectful to him.

They have never meet, yet just after she knows I date him, she immediately refused to accept him. Well I don't need her anyways, I come back home to visit my old father, not visiting her.
She is done, and out of my life, the day she beats me black and blue to bruises ober my arms, and red handmarks slap across my face, and I come to school with that. And the school call the police for "child abuse"

interracial84 · 08-12-2014 10:29pm

boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057339784

i was physically/mentally abuse by my mother, should I tell him?

onthis same forum section, just scroll down the threads

This was my thread about my mother, and asking if I should tell him about my abusive past. Only one comment on it, maybe I can get some more comments from you guys, thank you.

Big Bag of Chips · 08-12-2014 10:34pm

Mod Note: interracial84, having more than one thread open in the Personal Issues forum is not allowed. It is considered attention seeking. As you have opened this one, I will lock the other one.

I'd just like to say, your relationship with this man doesn't seen very established if you cannot discuss pregnancy, marriage or your past with him. I would recommend you start taking the contraceptive pill again.

Is he committed? If yes, why still doesn't want to propose?

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