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Child Item

Is he committed? If yes, why still doesn't want to propose?

interracial84

Me and my boyfriend are in our late twenties; we both are Financial Independent adults.

I know him for 4 years already, we live in the same neighborhood. The first 2.5 years, we were acquaintance then became casual friends.
The next 6 months he spend to chase me. He chase hard for 6 months just trying to get one date with me.
He waited outside my apartment stairs many times, just to wait to see me so he can asked for my cell phone number.
After he have my phone #, he wants to spend more time with me; so he still wait outside my stairs hoping I would open the door, and go outside to see him/hang around with him.
I know we live in the same neighborhood and all, but I think it was extreme to be waiting outside a girl's staircase. He must be serious right?

I pretty much was touch by his persistent, and I didn't want to keep him waiting outside, it was cold in the winter time too. So I gave in to be his girl, and that how this relationship started.
We have been dating for 1 year already, and we are in committed relationship. The ways he treats me is still the same as day one, he is a caring, loving and protective boyfriend. He doesn't even let me carried a light bag of groccery, lol.

We are an interracial couple, so we do get alot of ignorant/negatives comments towards us,and his "skin color"; but it doesn't bother him at all. He told me to be strong and "We" will make it through this together.
It is all his effort, his persistent and steady affection that help carried this whole relationship through till now.

I believe he committed to me because out of his own willing, he bought matching 'promise ring' to show his commitment (it's the classic band wedding ring type).
He wears the ring on his finger all the times (even without me remind him). So this should be a good sign that he committed right?
He wear the ring everywhere, I don't know if he take it off when carried big work load at his Warehouse job. But whenever he not at work, I always see him wear it.

He always wants to live together with me, and he mentioned marriage. He even asked me when am I going to give him a son, yet still have not pop the "propose" question.
So should I be worried? I am sure he is not cheating on me because after work he drive straight back to be with me, and he tell me his whereabouts.
We both work full time, so whenever we have same day/time off, we do sleep in the same bed. And I know his body smell, so if there another woman smell on his body, I would definately know.
So far no clues or signs of him cheating, no different smell on his body. So cheating is not a possibility, unless he hide it real good.

I just wondering why he still not propose yet? When he always wear the ring, and he talks about live together/marriage/give him a son, etc...
Of course I don't want to force him into marriage, it is not true happiness if you are forcing your man to married you.
Any opinion/advice on why he still not propose? Should I worried that he not committed to me, any red flags?
So I'm just the girl in his neighborhood, the official "girlfriend", the girl got him to wear the 'promise ring", and that's it? This gonna to be the status for the rest of my life?

BTW, we are a poor couple live in "the Hood" (neighborhood for lower income people). He is far from rich, neither am I, but we both have full time job. I splits half half on dates with him, I always pay for my own.
I voluntary to help him because I know he doesn't have much money himself.

I told him that if we live together. It will be 50/50 Financially; that this month I pay for rent, next month he pay for rent. All household bills will be split half half, evenly distributed.
So money shouldn't be why he scare of marriage, because he have no assets. His permanent address is his mom place, he have no place of his own. He only have clothes, some favorite books of his, his Car, and his Warehouse job.

I know some men scare of marriage, because they don't want to loose their Assets if divorce, but my boyfriend doesn't have any assets.
He even asked me when am I going to give him a son, yet no propose... should I worried if he truely being commited to me?

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strobe

Is he Irish? It's far from normal for Irish people to propose marriage after a year of going out with each other and having not even tried living together yet. It's nothing to do with lack of commitment though.

Realt Dearg Sec

A year! Ffs, I'd be running scared if awoman started throwing around the W word after a year, and you're not even living together! Reverse! Reverse!

LegacyUser

Welcome to the Irish scene, OP, Be prepared to wait!
Many couples don't get married unless they've been dating for many years.
I've been at 5 weddings in 2014, & those couples were dating for 8 years, 10 years, 7 years, 15 years& 6 years respectively.

interracial84

Before I answer the question, what do you mean by Irish? As in he White?
We're in committed relationship for a year, but I know him for 4 years already (we live in the same neighborhood)

It just throughout this whole interracial relationship, I get all kinds of negative/ignorant comments about us: such as he is a player, he just gonna hit and run, he not serious, he won't ever married me, I am just something new to him, etc... I don't think this is the case; due to how long he been chasing me, and he is the emotionally strong one that hold on to this relationship, despite all the racist/discrimination stuff we get everyday.

It just being an Asian girl, my culture is very different from his, and I don't want to be the Asian girl that is NOT married, yet become the "baby mama", that will be veryyy embarrassinggg... I hope he truely committed to me.

interracial84

Well, I answer the question now.
We're NOT Irish, we live in USA, so we are Americans, I'm Asian and he Black.
I am Asian-American, and he is African-American.

This whole relationship have been stress for me due to I get ignorant/racist comments from everyone including my mother. Fortunately for me, I don't live with my mother, I live on my own, so my mom cannot control who I date.

He is the strong one in this relationship, he said we going to make it through together. But me being Asian, I guess the way I raise, and my culture is not strong minded as his; but I am still trying though because I can't picture my life without him.

[Deleted User]

OP I think it's him you need to be talking to about this particularly if he's on about wanting kids. if he says he wants a kid, point out you'd prefer to wait until you're married and ask how he sees that going.
I understand you need the security and reassurance of it if you're getting stick from everyone around you about it, and I don't see the harm in having the discussion with him.
Don't just sit around waiting for him to ask, it's your life

interracial84 wrote: »

Before I answer the question, what do you mean by Irish? As in he White?

This is an irish discussion forum based in ireland, and the culture here may be different to what you are used to, hence the question. His colour was not in question.
of course you're still welcome to ask your advice here, it was just for clarity people were asking.

interracial84

Oh, I am so sorry. I was Google and I came across this website, I read around and like the site, so I decided to post my thread for some advice.
Sorry, I hope it is OK for me to be American and come here posted. Thank you

It been tough for me, due to our cultures are greatly different. It is amazing how he still hang on trying to make this relationship work out, there times when I want to give up for his shake, but he just WON'T at all.

suicide_circus

It sounds like you have much more "traditional" values than he has.

I don't know what the culture is like in the US but expecting marriage after one year sounds strange to me.

You need to make it clear to this man what you want and what you expect, he probably is not a mind reader. Talk to him.

bjork

Although you may both have different heritages you share the common American culture I presume? So I'm not really understanding the whole different culture thing.

Regardless of background or culture if this is something you have decided you need to move the relationship forward, you need to sit down and discuss it with him to see if he also agrees and work out a way to move things forward. If he does not agree you either need to break from the relationship or compromise in a way that meets your needs as well as his. Timeframes for example of when he see this phase in occurring in his life etc. Will ye be moving in beforehand and living together etc

Having said all that, 1 year is short and although you knew him beforehand, it is quick to be married. I would ignore all the racial comments, people who make them are obviously unhappy in their own lives and need to project anger on to anything that is different to them (although in this day and age is an inter racial couple really "different"?).

cookiexx

A years is no time and madness in terms of getting engaged after that point. do you live together? have the same values and ambitions and future plans and goals?

bee06

OP as others have said I would find a year very soon to be getting engaged. Lots of steps in the relationship to go before that. However if you find that his comments about having kids are serious rather than a someday down the road kind of comment then I would be clear that you dont see yourself having kids until you're married. Be clear on what your values are and he should do the same and hopefully you can match up or at least come to a happy compromise.

interracial84

I never expect marriage from him. You right one year is not long enough to be married, but is 1 year long enough have a baby out of the wedlock?

I admit I think of marriage, because I don't want to be the "Baby Mama" tittle. You do NOT know how hard it be for an Asian girl, and being unmarried with a baby?
I will be know as the Asian girl who got knock up, and now is a Baby Mama.
The whole Asian community will talks s-h-i-t about me, further worst they going to say I got knock up by a Black guy. (not that his race matter since I do love him, but can you see the "tone" in their ignorant attitude?)
And my parents will disown me. it doesn't matter that they disown me, since I survive on my own, I move out for more than a decade without my parents..
But still... come on, what kind of daughter would want their parents to DISOWN them?

I just need time to digest of HOW am I going to accept the 'BABY MAMA' tittle without being married. To the western culture maybe it is not a big deal, but to my Asian culture, it really A BIG DEAL!!!
I know I love him, I do, but I don't know if that love is enough for me to give him a son out of the wedlock.

Lord, and he wants a SON, always the word "son" out of his mouth.
How the heck am I suppose to guarantee that it gonna be a son? What happened if it turn out to be a daughter? Will he still want the baby if it a daughter?
what up with all the 'men' mind, why always want a 'son"? and not a daughter?

FactCheck

To be fair, in many American subcultures (including white, black, and Asian ones), it's quite common to be engaged after one year. Whether we think that's a good idea or not, it's not that unusual for people to have strong objections to having children or living together without marriage or at least a proposal.

So having said that, my advice is: he's not a mind reader! If you want to get married, tell him. When he mentions living together or having children, say that you would only want to do that if you were married.

You can have whatever preferences you like, and run your private relationship however you like. Just be upfront about it. Don't sit around being coy for another year. Spit it out!

interracial84

We been together for a year already, 1 year already.
But I know him for 4 years because we live in the same neighborhood.
The first 2.5 years, we were acquaintance and then casual friends.
The next 6 months he spend to chase me, then I gave in
Then now we together for a year already.
2015 will begin the year number 2

It is NOT too early for us, due to we are in the same neighborhood, and we see each others everyday. Come on, his apartment is few minutes in walking distant away from mine.
And when two people are this close distant together, things will happen 10 times FASTER than other couples who far distant from each others.

But I have to admit, he moving things faster than me, I am the slow pace one in this relationship; he is the one always initiate things.

FactCheck

Are the "son" comments perhaps a jokey way for him to imply he does want children, and he wants them with you, without having to have a big heavy relationship conversation? Some people like to use humour to get stuff like that across. It's a bit immature, but I suppose there are much worse traits to have.

ElleEm

It sounds like you are clear in your decision- you do not want a child without being married, so just tell him this next time he mentions "giving him a son".

Do you want a baby? Are you ready financially? How would you manage with a child living in separate homes?

It certainly seems like you need to have a deeper conversation with him about your future but most of your posts are about what he wants. What about you?

Big Bag of Chips

Do you trust him? Does he respect you? Why do you think you will have a baby before you are married? Surely you get to decide if/when you get pregnant. If you don't want to have a baby before marriage, then make sure you take all reasonable precautions.

Do you think he will try force you to get pregnant? Do you think he will try black mail you to get pregnant first? If he does he's not such a great guy after all.. If he doesn't, then you have nothing to worry about.

A year is a short time. Whether you are in Ireland or the US, living next door or 100 miles apart. It seems you don't even really know much about him if you are so worried about being used as a "baby mamma". Or that you are worried about talking to him about all this. A marriage needs more than being madly in love. It needs honesty, communication and trust.

interracial84

FactCheck, I don't think he joking fully.
Here is why: My BF have lots of one night stand in the past.
But he is smart, he told me he always use a condom, since the one night stand were just PURELY PHYSICAL for him, there was no Emotional attachment into it.
So after sex he leaves right away, and he always use a condom because he doesn't want to pay for Child support.
He is 29, and he does NOT have any baby mama, so he is a pretty self control guy, considered he always remember how to wear a Condom.

There is this guy here in my neighborhood who is also Black, and is around the same age has my boyfriend, yet this guy already have 5 babies with 5 different baby mama already.
Now if this guy was SMART like my boyfriend, Remember to use a Condom, then this guy don't have to be worrying paying for child support for all those 4-5 babies for the remaining of their lives.

Please don't take offended the statement above about there a black guy here that have 5 baby mama, (I apologize if I offended anyone) I am NOT talking about all the black guys out there. I am just giving a SPECIFIC example of one black guy case that live in my neighborhood.

My boyfriend whenver he see the neighbor kids outside playing in the playground, or kids running around; he alwasy ask me when will I give him a son? I guess he half jokes, and half serious.
But when we sleep together, he does NOT use a condom on me.
Well, we are in a committed relationship, and he is the first guy I sleep with, so he knows I am clean, so he doesn't use a condom.
But what ever his reason, he not using a condom on me, making me to believe that he maybe really want a baby.

I am serious about this, I DO NOT want to get knock up and be know as the "BABY MAMA", I know I do love him alot, but I don't know if my love for him is enough to give him a baby out of the wedlock. I hope I make sense to everyone here...

Please put yourself in my situation, being an Asian girl, not married and have a baby is really 'a bad thing' in my culture. Maybe to his culture is not a big deal, but to mine it is.

ElleEm

You really shouldn't be having unprotected sex with a person withot knowing for sure that they are free of STIs. Are you on other contraception to protect you against pregnancy at least? You cannot take his word for it. You seem to be very naive. You should be talking to him about this and make your decision very clear.

bjork

interracial84 wrote: »

Mod Note: Please don't quote full passages. It clogs the thread up with duplicate text.

Do you really believe that he used a condom with every other girl apart from you because he knows your clean? Do you know if he's clean? has he been tested? Just because he doesn't have other kids doesn't mean he hasn't any sexually transmitted diseases.

If you don't want to have a baby with him before marriage, maybe you should insist on a condom to prevent it. The pill (Are you on the pill?) can and does fail. A baby is a bigger commitment than a marriage.

bee06

OP are you using some form of birth control if you are not using condoms?

The bottom line is just because he wants a son doesn't mean you have to give in to this if you don't feel comfortable. Talk to him and tell him how you feel.

interracial84

He told me he use a condom in all his one night stand.
But he doesn't use it in his last 2 relationship. He have like 2 relationship prior to me. And I am aware he didn't use a condom with those girls, but this was back in his college days, and I didn't think at the age of 18-22, those girls he meet in college would be in the higher risk category of STD and HIV due to their young age, and busy going to school.

I am NOT naive as you think, maybe just little bit.
I live in the same neighborhood with him for 4 years, we were friends before we get together as a couple, and I was friends with him so I know him well.
I know his whole family as well as his friends, we also have mutual friends from the neighborhood too.

We friends 2.5 years before he chase me (this whole 2.5 years I know he not dating anyone),
afterward he chase me 6 months, that whole six months I put him on the test to see his persistent.
Would any guy that not serious would be chasing a girl for six months?
he wait many nights outside my stairs too, and I know he is out there, yet I still test his patience, I let him continue to wait in the cold.
But then I eventually gave in and agree to be his girl, and that how we started.

He is a regular donor blood to the American Red Cross, I saw his blood donation card in his wallet. Don't regular blood donor check for HIV as well as STD?
I was very honest with him, let him know that I was a virgin, and I say it to his face that I will be bored him in bed due to I don't have any sexual experience, and if he wants to run then run.
But I he still with me, so I guess I haven't bored him out that much yet.

Well from being his friends and around him in this pass 4 years of him being my neighbors, so I know he didn't bring any girls back here to slepe, becasue he can't hide it from me.
Maybe I was stupid to give him my V-card without get him to check for STD, but I know after I lost my virginity to him, I did go get myself a check up and that including STD testing, and I come out clean.

Even till now, one year into the relationship, I still get clean results, so it safe to say that he also clean.
And now I eversince he date me, there no other women, because I know his body smell too well; if there another woman smell on him, I would definatley know (we women are sensitive in this)

[Deleted User]

OP I assume you are on the pill?
You keep, rightly, being concerned about the "baby mama" thing, but you act as though you don't have any choice in it. Of course you do. Go on the pill if you aren't already and maybe even use condoms also. TALK to him properly about all this and how you feel about it. Don't be passive.

MistyCheese

Honey if you're having unprotected sex with a man and end up as his baby mama then it's really your own fault. He wants a baby and he's going the right way about getting a baby. You want to be married before having a baby so you need to quit having unprotected sex because that's how you get a baby.

The next time he asks when you're going to give him a son sit his a.s.s down and tell him no rings, no babies.

You can also tell him that it's men, not women, who determine the gender of a baby. The woman provides an X chromosome and the man can provide an X or a Y chromosome. If he brings an X to the table you'll be having a girl. If he wants a boy he needs to supply you with a Y chromosome. So don't let him guilt you over gender.

Obviously the first thing you need to do is talk to him. Let him know that you're happy to have a baby with him, but you will need to be married first and ask him if he sees that happening, would he like marriage and then babies in the next year? Two years? Five years? Then decide if his answers match closely enough with what you want out of life.

If you want to marry this man you will need to be able to discuss things with him. Unless you're happy to sit back and let him make all the decisions.

strobe

Lots of men don't like to use condoms in a relationship, but always do for ONS's. It doesn't mean they want a baby with the girl they are in a relationship with though.

Ask him straight out if he wants to have a baby. It's really hard to tell if you just think he does or if he does, even for you apparently. So just ask him straight out, if that's what he wants or if he was just joking. Then ask him straight out about his thoughts on marriage at some point in the future.

Just to point something out

interracial84 wrote:

[...]I am NOT naive as you think[...]

there no other women, because I know his body smell too well; if there another woman smell on him, I would definatley know (we women are sensitive in this)

Look it's not an insult... but you're clearly a bit naive...

There's nothing wrong with that. And I'm not suggesting he's cheating. But just don't go thinking you apparently have been round the block and are all clued up. You're obviously not. And just in case you're not, use birth control, on your end of things if nothing else, but condoms would be a good idea too, if you don't want to be a 'Baby Mama'.

woodchuck

OP, if you don't want to have a baby outside of wedlock, then DON'T. You have a choice in the matter. I really really hope you are on the pill?! If you're not, then that's the first thing you need to do!!

Secondly, do you communicate openly with your boyfriend? Because from the sounds of it you don't. You really need to make YOUR needs heard as well as listening to his. Relationships are about open communication, common goals/values and compromise where possible. Don't be afraid to speak up.

Thirdly... and forgive me for asking the question... but do you really love him? You've repeatedly mentioned how he chased you for 6 months and you eventually 'gave in' and 'agreed' to be his girl. Were you just worn down by his persistence? Why are you with him? You don't even have to tell us why, but I just hope it's something you ask yourself and that you're with him for the right reasons.

interracial84

I believe he wants a baby, because he does NOT want me to be on the pills, and he does NOT use a condom.

Fortunately for me he works often in the night shift, and I work in day shift, so a week we have like 2 days where we have the same hours off together, and we spend all day together, and that include sex.
Other days when we both busy work, we do make an effort to see each others though, but we have like 4 hours together until he went off to work again.

And I do love him. I date him knowing he poor, and have rough childhood like his in and out of jail decease father.
I know he doesn't have money much so I voluntary to helps him pays half half on dates, and I never ask him to buy me anything.
I cook and clean for him, I worried about his driving safety when he drive back from work lates, and I give him my virginity.
If these are not love, then I don't know what is? For western culture, virginity is not important, but for Asian culture like myself, it is very important.

I never ask him to take responsibility for me, because I am an adult, I can take care of myself.
But what I want is he take responsibility for his kids, if we ever have kids in the future, you know what I mean?

I need to have aserious talk with him, and get to a common ground on the Baby Mama issue. I think sometimes I spoil him too much, I always let him have things his ways.

strobe

interracial84 wrote: »

I believe he wants a baby, because he does NOT want me to be on the pills, and he does NOT use a condom.

Fortunately for me he works often in the night shift, and I work in day shift, so a week we have like 2 days where we have the same hours off together, and we spend all day together, and that include sex.

Yeah... unless there is something not working right with one of you biologically. Then you're going to get pregnant.

bjork

interracial84 wrote: »

Mod Note: Please don't quote full passages. It clogs the thread up with duplicate text.

So you don't want a baby before being married, yet you are having unprotected sex with him? Why? You are not taking care of yourself if you do not want a child at this time and are not using protection.

I beginning to think this is a joke tbh

interracial84

bjork, I am dead serious.
I never say I DON'T want a baby.

I said I do NOT want to get the Baby Mama tittle.

I am looking for him to propose to me, and I am waiting...
But this obviously is NOT working, due to I need an answer fast.
I am already 30 this year, I'm not young anymore. Being Asian does helps look young, but I'm sure my clock is ticking.

I need to have a serious talk with him, asking him how long do I have to wait. I tend to let him have things his ways, I'm the passive one. I need to be more assertive.