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Letting your OH sleep about in order to retain your 'relationship'

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    #32
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Cormac... wrote: »
    How old are you all?

    I am 35. They are 27 and 33.
    Cormac... wrote: »
    How long have you know A & B?

    I have known them since we were 17-23-25 more or less. Over 10 years now anyway. I am really crap at time when it comes to memory. It is all mixed up in my head. I am told this is a feature of ageing.
    Cormac... wrote: »
    Did you meet them at the same time or have to introduce a 2nd partner into a 1-on-1 relationship?

    Yea pretty much around the same time. I developed an absolute love of live music when I was in college to the point I would literally get withdrawl if I went too long without a gig.

    As part of that I used to arrange "pre gig meet ups" for gigs I was going to, on the website forums and the like of the music I loved. A lot of fun - met loads of people some of which are still amazing friends - and also the girls too.
    Cormac... wrote: »
    Do you all live together or do you all share a bed or do you take turns or what?

    We bought a house here in Maynooth some time ago. We actually each have our own room - our own space - something I recommend in any relationship let alone more complex ones. Who actually sleeps in any given room on any given night is massively variable with no rules. It just happens as it happens.
    Cormac... wrote: »
    Are you more intimate with one over the other?

    On any given day - perhaps - I do not track it. Over all averaged over time - no. Not at all.
    Cormac... wrote: »
    Do they identify as Bi or Straight?

    Before they met - entirely straight. They claim that they were never into girls before each other - and aside from each other - have never really been into them since.
    Cormac... wrote: »
    Are any of you attached via parenthood or marriage, if not, do you intend to?

    We have an advantage here that similar people we have met do not - in that the younger of the two is a Law Masters / Doctorate thingy. She can speak the language of Law as fluently as I try to speak English. This helped a lot. We are not married but we have a _lot_ of signed stuff that ensures at least some of the things marriage would bring - all relating to next of kin - inheritence - medical proxy - and much more.

    I do not pretend to understand any of it. It really is another language to me sometimes. I get the gist of it. But we often joke that she probably hid stuff in the small print that we will never know about until she calls upon it to shaft us :) Though another Law professional in my own family did throw a cursory eye over it and nothing horrific jumped out at him. But trying to get me to learn, understand or talk law.... is like getting J C to learn biology with a science text book instead of the Bible :)

    As for parenthood the plan is 4 children. We have 2 so far. The younger of the two wants to reach 30 before going down that route however. So I have three years before we go through THAT hell again :) Our youngest is just over 6 months now and the oldest she recently turned 4.
    Cormac... wrote: »
    Do any of the answers to the above cause conflict with them?

    Thankfully no. None.

    Hope that was not too long. I love talking about myself as much as the next person.


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    #33
    Generic Dreadhead
    Registered Users Posts: 10,870 ✭✭✭✭Generic Dreadhead


    Well thats all very interesting.


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    #34
    H3llR4iser
    Registered Users Posts: 4,027 ✭✭✭H3llR4iser


    SkyBlueClouds wrote: »

    ...She met her current boyfriend Tim while married to second husband Carol

    Uhm...two measures for two lenghts? Maybe the situation is different, but at some point this lady decided she had the right to sleep with somebody else. Ok, she didn't go up and said "oh yeah, I'll keep doing that", but can't really paint herself too surprised.
    Sex, according to Tim, is akin to browsing at the supermarket: one week he might fancy a rump steak, the next roast chicken. The choice was his to make


    Sorry, for a 55 years old man it really is more like "rummaging through the bargain bin". Unless he is loaded or looks like George Clooney - preferably both. Or, he is "buying" directly.

    Beefy78 wrote: »
    What kind of a man's name is 'Carol'?

    A Polish man, amongst others. There was a pretty famous one at that, used to dress in white. He should be fairly well known in Ireland.
    Deleted User wrote: »
    ...
    That said - there is still the occasional - likely well meaning but misled - guy who will cop the dynamic and step up to try and kick a few shades out of me - because it is "clear" to them that I must somehow by encroaching badly on chivalry itself and somehow wronging these girls in some way.
    ...

    Really? That surprises me a bit. I would have expected women to be more likely to kick and scream about that kind of relationship, going on about how the girls are being "wronged" et all; Especially friends and families of the two ladies.


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    #35
    Potatoeman
    Registered Users Posts: 4,218 ✭✭✭Potatoeman


    Reminds me of the TV show big love.


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    #36
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    H3llR4iser wrote: »
    Really? That surprises me a bit. I would have expected women to be more likely to kick and scream about that kind of relationship, going on about how the girls are being "wronged" et all; Especially friends and families of the two ladies.

    Thankfully never physically - I was more referring to people who were moved to violence by it. I have some training and can defend myself if I have to - though my victory in such situations likely stems more from me being mostly sober when the attacker is not - rather than my "skills". But I have never had to defend myself from a female attacker outside of training.

    The worst we ever got from women - thankfully only one or two - is a righteous and LOUD litany about how bringing children into such a dynamic is a form of abuse or some such. We merely nodded sagely and let them on their way really.

    Friends and family - yeah at the beginning there was a couple of friends who took it badly but most got over it. We lost a couple of friends who simply never came back. Their family was the hardest to get over with - at the beginning - as they just saw it as some sexual deviance - a temporary thing where I was somehow exploiting them and the like. Over time they saw we meant business - and their parental concern that their children simply be happy over ruled all else.

    As with most parents who react badly to such things - like a child coming out homosexual - quite often their issue is not with the homosexuality but with the fear their child will not be happy.

    Now not only are they all perfectly ok with it - and me - the parents who are not biologically grandparents still act in every way like they really are. They love us - the kids - everything. And I have every expectation when the next two kids come along - the current biological grand parents who will not be so for the next two kids - will be every bit as into the whole thing as they are now.

    So I can not complain really. For the most part - with few exceptions of a lost friend or two - it could hardly have panned out better.


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    #37
    OldGoat
    Registered Users Posts: 12,633 ✭✭✭✭OldGoat


    H3llR4iser wrote: »
    Sorry, for a 55 years old man it really is more like "rummaging through the bargain bin". Unless he is loaded or looks like George Clooney - preferably both. Or, he is "buying" directly.
    Oh feck off with the ageist crap.

    I'm older than Minecraft goats.



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    #38
    Cupcake_Crisis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 21,448 ✭✭✭✭Cupcake_Crisis


    If it's a mutual agreement that both people are happy and comfortable with- by all means, shag rings around yourself.

    If its a last ditch attempt by someone in a desperate effort to keep hold of a partner then no, it will end in absolute misery!


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    #39
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    So it seems no one is answering "Yes" to the OPs question - which I guess is to be expected.

    Perhaps a better question would be - for those who do NOT want their partner to sleep with someone else - what _would_ make you allow it? Something like Indecent Proposal where the money was right? Or some other motivation?

    Those of us slightly into the idea anyway I guess can not really answer the question :)


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    #40
    ash23
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,791 ✭✭✭ash23


    Deleted User wrote: »
    So it seems no one is answering "Yes" to the OPs question - which I guess is to be expected.

    Perhaps a better question would be - for those who do NOT want their partner to sleep with someone else - what _would_ make you allow it? Something like Indecent Proposal where the money was right? Or some other motivation?

    Those of us slightly into the idea anyway I guess can not really answer the question :)

    I think the only thing that would make me "ok" with it would be if I were physically unable to have sex. I wouldn't expect my partner/husband to live a sex free life simply because of my own limitations.
    However I wouldn't want him having relationships with others or having to hear about his other flings.

    If he were discreet and safe and didn't shag too close to home then I'd turn a blind eye and give my consent.


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    #41
    JuliusCaesar
    Registered Users Posts: 4,882 ✭✭✭JuliusCaesar


    Just read the article.
    This January, I turned 57. I was desperately lonely and in May I couldn’t take it any more. I called and begged him to take me back.
    While friends are genuinely concerned that I’ve resumed our relationship, I’ve simply forced myself to accept that Tim will sow his oats when and with whom he wants to.
    Today he’s 55 and I reassure myself he can’t go on doing it for ever. Granted, he’s handsome now, but sooner or later, women won’t want to sleep with him any more.
    Things are back to normal between us and we’re a proper couple now, albeit one harbouring a rather tawdry secret.
    I cherish having someone to hold my hand and tell me he loves me. What he does when he’s not with me I would rather not know.
    Instead, I focus on our future: sitting on the terrace of our new home that I built for us, growing old together. After all — what other choice do I have?

    Seeing she's told the Mail, and there are photos posted of the ex-husband, the present lover, and herself, it's not much of a secret.


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    #42
    evo2000
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,728 ✭✭✭evo2000


    SkyBlueClouds wrote: »
    Ladies, or gentlemen, would you ever let this happen in your marriage/relationship?

    Could insecurity ever drive you to this point - would you allow the other half to sleep about just to hold onto them?




    The above article isn't a representative sample of normal relationships (one hopes). It does beg the question though, we all have the one we never want to get away. Would you put up with such extreme measures?

    **** NO! let another dude go balls deep in your missus ? what sort of a man would yeah be it d be no wonder she d be lookin for other people either that or shes a slut,

    In either case go find another one, plenty of em out there,

    Retain my ass! the second you start sleeping around it defeats the whole purpose of a relationship!


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    #43
    Micky Dolenz
    Registered Users Posts: 44,080 ✭✭✭✭Micky Dolenz


    Sex is over rated and yes, I have tired it, once.


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    #44
    evo2000
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,728 ✭✭✭evo2000


    Micky Dolenz wrote: »
    Sex is over rated and yes, I have tired it, once.

    havin "sex" with your hand doesnt count. :P


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    #45
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    evo2000 wrote: »
    Retain my ass! the second you start sleeping around it defeats the whole purpose of a relationship!

    That depends on your definition of relationship and how it has to work. Different people have different definitions. Is your fidelity - for example - to the people in the relationship - or to the relationship itself.

    For me it is the latter and as such I see no issue with "letting" the girls experiment with other guys. So far - as I said earlier - this has happened a couple of times. A game of dares in one case got quite heavy for example - involving me and the girls doing some stuff with other people. And another night in a house things got very heavy and stuff happened. It was all good - all enjoyed - all consensual and above board.

    Since then I have asked them if they would like to engage in something else - with or without me there. They expressed some interest in it - but we never really followed it up yet. But we likely will some time.

    But at no point do I see any of this being against the purpose of our relationship. At all.


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    #46
    Micky Dolenz
    Registered Users Posts: 44,080 ✭✭✭✭Micky Dolenz


    evo2000 wrote: »
    havin "sex" with your hand doesnt count. :P

    At least it's with someone who truly loves you. :p


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    #47
    evo2000
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,728 ✭✭✭evo2000


    Micky Dolenz wrote: »
    At least it's with someone who truly loves you. :p

    hahahaha


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    #48
    evo2000
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,728 ✭✭✭evo2000


    Deleted User wrote: »
    That depends on your definition of relationship and how it has to work. Different people have different definitions. Is your fidelity - for example - to the people in the relationship - or to the relationship itself.

    For me it is the latter and as such I see no issue with "letting" the girls experiment with other guys. So far - as I said earlier - this has happened a couple of times. A game of dares in one case got quite heavy for example - involving me and the girls doing some stuff with other people. And another night in a house things got very heavy and stuff happened. It was all good - all enjoyed - all consensual and above board.

    Since then I have asked them if they would like to engage in something else - with or without me there. They expressed some interest in it - but we never really followed it up yet. But we likely will some time.

    But at no point do I see any of this being against the purpose of our relationship. At all.

    What ever your into i suppose, wouldnt be my cup of tea tho! i agree with you tho it does come down to how you define relationship, but i wouldnt like to be in a relationship like that..but to each there own and power too yeah if thats what makes ye happy!


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    #49
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    evo2000 wrote: »
    What ever your into i suppose, wouldnt be my cup of tea tho! i agree with you tho it does come down to how you define relationship, but i wouldnt like to be in a relationship like that..but to each there own and power too yeah if thats what makes ye happy!

    Yeah it really does come down to human diversity and what each person wants from a relationship. While - for example - I am big into the idea of "letting" the girls play around a bit - I would not want it to be consistent or constant. I am talking about a couple of experiences here. One offs.

    I would not be into an "open" relationship at all. Many people are. But it would not be for me.

    But a couple of one offs - just for fun - maybe even let them indulge some of their fantasies which came out in a house party game of dares recently - I would be game for that.

    But full on "open" relationship - power to the people who like them - but I would be so put off by the idea.


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    #50
    Saipanne
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,882 ✭✭✭Saipanne


    I was dating a girl who was into this kind of thing. The benefit for me would have been threesomes with bisexual girls on tap, most men's fantasy. But I couldn't hack it. It was too hot and cold. One minute it was like she loved me, then the next she was distant. It was wrecking my head, because I really liked her, so this led to conflict and it ended. So, this way of life is not for me. I enjoy the intimacy of monogamy.

    Thing is, she never struck me as happy with her lifestyle. She seemed to almost hate herself for it.

    Never got a threesome out of it though.

    Damn it.


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    #51
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Saipanne wrote: »
    Never got a threesome out of it though.

    Damn it.

    Ah dont worry about it - they are not all they are cracked up to be.

    No wait - that's not true at all - sorry :)


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    #52
    evo2000
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,728 ✭✭✭evo2000


    Saipanne wrote: »
    I was dating a girl who was into this kind of thing. The benefit for me would have been threesomes with bisexual girls on tap, most men's fantasy. But I couldn't hack it. It was too hot and cold. One minute it was like she loved me, then the next she was distant. It was wrecking my head, because I really liked her, so this led to conflict and it ended. So, this way of life is not for me. I enjoy the intimacy of monogamy.

    Thing is, she never struck me as happy with her lifestyle. She seemed to almost hate herself for it.

    Never got a threesome out of it though.

    Damn it.

    You put up with her headwreckingness and didnt get the threesome in the end, you got a raw deal man... :D


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    #53
    Saipanne
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,882 ✭✭✭Saipanne


    evo2000 wrote: »
    You put up with her headwreckingness and didnt get the threesome in the end, you got a raw deal man... :D

    I know. I suppose I could have put up with it a bit longer for the payoff, but it wasn't worth it. If I wanted one that badly, I could just pay for it, but I dont. It obviously isn't that important to me.


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    #54
    Potatoeman
    Registered Users Posts: 4,218 ✭✭✭Potatoeman


    Saipanne wrote: »
    I was dating a girl who was into this kind of thing. The benefit for me would have been threesomes with bisexual girls on tap, most men's fantasy. But I couldn't hack it. It was too hot and cold. One minute it was like she loved me, then the next she was distant. It was wrecking my head, because I really liked her, so this led to conflict and it ended. So, this way of life is not for me. I enjoy the intimacy of monogamy.

    Thing is, she never struck me as happy with her lifestyle. She seemed to almost hate herself for it.

    Never got a threesome out of it though.

    Damn it.

    I know somwone that had something similar. Their gf was bi but they never got a threesome either she used to hook up with other girls off and on. Seemed like the worst of both worlds tbh.


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    #55
    evo2000
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,728 ✭✭✭evo2000


    Deleted User wrote: »
    Yeah it really does come down to human diversity and what each person wants from a relationship. While - for example - I am big into the idea of "letting" the girls play around a bit - I would not want it to be consistent or constant. I am talking about a couple of experiences here. One offs.

    I would not be into an "open" relationship at all. Many people are. But it would not be for me.

    But a couple of one offs - just for fun - maybe even let them indulge some of their fantasies which came out in a house party game of dares recently - I would be game for that.

    But full on "open" relationship - power to the people who like them - but I would be so put off by the idea.

    Even once offs would in the end annoy me and in the end reck the whole thing, i just think relationships should be exclusive,


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    #56
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    evo2000 wrote: »
    Even once offs would in the end annoy me and in the end reck the whole thing, i just think relationships should be exclusive,

    Then I hope it never happens for you :)

    I am quite keen on it - actually might bring it up again with them now that this thread has put it back in my head. And discuss some random strangers with them :)


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    #57
    evo2000
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,728 ✭✭✭evo2000


    Deleted User wrote: »
    Then I hope it never happens for you :)

    I am quite keen on it - actually might bring it up again with them now that this thread has put it back in my head. And discuss some random strangers with them :)

    best of luck with it man! hope it works out for yeah haha


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    #58
    H3llR4iser
    Registered Users Posts: 4,027 ✭✭✭H3llR4iser


    Deleted User wrote: »
    Thankfully never physically - I was more referring to people who were moved to violence by it. I have some training and can defend myself if I have to - though my victory in such situations likely stems more from me being mostly sober when the attacker is not - rather than my "skills". But I have never had to defend myself from a female attacker outside of training.

    Oh I didn't get the "physical violence" thing. I call it "false knight in a shiny armor" syndrome; The guy in question acts all "gentleman" and "chivalrous" but all he is trying to do is to impress (one of) the ladies to get into their pants.

    What I meant is the classic friends/mother/sisters bitching about how the girl is being taken "advantage of".
    Deleted User wrote: »
    As with most parents who react badly to such things - like a child coming out homosexual - quite often their issue is not with the homosexuality but with the fear their child will not be happy.

    Or, they think they know better because they're older and "it's the way it's always been". Unfortunately ignorance is still a factor in some cases.
    Deleted User wrote: »
    Now not only are they all perfectly ok with it - and me - the parents who are not biologically grandparents still act in every way like they really are. They love us - the kids - everything. And I have every expectation when the next two kids come along - the current biological grand parents who will not be so for the next two kids - will be every bit as into the whole thing as they are now.

    So I can not complain really. For the most part - with few exceptions of a lost friend or two - it could hardly have panned out better.

    That is extremely fascinating. I guess a certain amount of luck (about all the people involved being able to open their views) is also involved in all this.


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    #59
    allibastor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,520 ✭✭✭allibastor


    I thought the thread was would you let your partner sleep in to retain your relationship.

    D'oh


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    #60
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    H3llR4iser wrote: »
    Oh I didn't get the "physical violence" thing. I call it "false knight in a shiny armor" syndrome

    Yea - that is exactly it. I am sure the guys in question really had their heart in the right place when they stood up to me. I do not hold it against them. I simply think they were dangerously misguided really. But as you say - perhaps at least one of them was simply hoping to win the girl - not with the moral high ground.
    H3llR4iser wrote: »
    What I meant is the classic friends/mother/sisters bitching about how the girl is being taken "advantage of".

    There has certainly been some of that but thankfully - in the people who matter - it has passed. Again - I can not really blame them. If my daughter comes home with two guys or some such - I am likely to suspect exploitation at first - and will take time to be convinced it is for real - so I can hardly blame their parents for it either.

    All one can do is stay true to yourself - each other - and the relationship. And time will tell those who matter - those who care - that you really are happy.
    H3llR4iser wrote: »
    That is extremely fascinating. I guess a certain amount of luck (about all the people involved being able to open their views) is also involved in all this.

    Yeah perhaps. Or perhaps what I love about the girls is influenced by their parents - so that they are so great - is a selection on their parents to a degree - so there was always hope. So luck - yes - but some level of selection too I would guess.
    allibastor wrote: »
    I thought the thread was would you let your partner sleep in to retain your relationship.

    Yeah there are times when not disturbing in the morning will save the relationship - your life - or both. Something I have learned to my pain given I am such an early riser.


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    #61
    Colser
    Registered Users Posts: 5,572 ✭✭✭Colser


    Deleted User wrote: »
    Then I hope it never happens for you :)

    I am quite keen on it - actually might bring it up again with them now that this thread has put it back in my head. And discuss some random strangers with them :)
    taxAHcruel...Is there any jealously between you partners? Thats the bit that I would find most difficult. If I was part of a relationship like yours it would have to be with 2 men because there is no way I could share my partner with another woman in any sence of the word.I have to admire them if they dont feel like they are competing with each other all the time as I feel a lot of women would feel under pressure in that situation.


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