Letting your OH sleep about in order to retain your 'relationship'

SkyBlueClouds

Ladies, or gentlemen, would you ever let this happen in your marriage/relationship?

Could insecurity ever drive you to this point - would you allow the other half to sleep about just to hold onto them?

Mail Online
Would you let your man sleep with other women to stop him leaving you? Divorcee Maria-Louise does - and says at 57 she has no choice

Maria-Louise has been married twice, to men who refused to have sex
She met her current boyfriend Tim while married to second husband Carol
Six months after they first had sex, she found out he'd indulged in a fling
According to Tim, 55, he had the ‘right’ to have sex with who he liked
Likened choosing women to sleep with to browsing at a supermarket
At 57, Maria-Louise feels she can no longer afford to be choosy

Sex, according to Tim, is akin to browsing at the supermarket: one week he might fancy a rump steak, the next roast chicken. The choice was his to make

The above article isn't a representative sample of normal relationships (one hopes). It does beg the question though, we all have the one we never want to get away. Would you put up with such extreme measures?

MarkR

SkyBlueClouds wrote: »

Ladies, or gentlemen, would you ever let this happen in your marriage/relationship?

Could insecurity ever drive you to this point - would you allow the other half to sleep about just to hold onto them?



The above article isn't a representative sample of normal relationships (one hopes). It does beg the question though, we all have the one we never want to get away. Would you put up with such extreme measures?

With a sexy college girl? Remember kids, sharing is caring!

Real answer, no.

Beefy78

What kind of a man's name is 'Carol'?

GLaDOS

Ah the Daily Mail, wouldn't expect any less

AnonoBoy

Why would you marry someone who refused to have sex?

smash

At 57, Maria-Louise is a moron!

shruikan2553

Its not cheating if you invite your girfriend to join in.

OneArt

Well if she's allowed to go for a bit of a shag herself with another bloke I don't see the problem.

It's up to individuals involved in the relationship to decide what goes and what doesn't.

bear1

shruikan2553 wrote: »

Its not cheating if you invite your girfriend to join in.

Only if she enjoys the other lads c0ck more than yours then yeah I'd say it's cheating

MsBubbles

If Maria-Louise is monogamous to this man I feel sorry for her because it seems like she has low self esteem. Also I'd be very worried about getting an STI from her partner.

It seems to me like her partner wants to have his cake and eat it.

Maybe I'm naive but if I'm in relationship I'm faithful to my partner.

SkyBlueClouds

SkyBlueClouds wrote: »

Would you put up with such extreme measures?

Nope - not me.

I am actually interested in letting my partners explore some sex with other people as it happens. But I do it for a variety of reasons. Personally I am into the idea - I am also keen to have them explore sex a little more than just with me - as I met them relatively young and they had little to no experience.

But all the reasons I have are because I want it that way. Though they have not taken up the offer yet - nor have I sought out people to fulfil it or asked around all that much.

But the idea of allowing it - when I do NOT want to do it - simply to maintain a dying relationship - is the complete opposite of that and is not something I am interested in at all. That would not be part of my relationship or conducive to it - but a release of parts of it for the sake of holding onto the illusion of other parts of it. Not for me at all.

jester77

If nothing else, at least he's honest about it

mickydoomsux

This generally happens when people should really break up but something like kids, property or money forces them to stay together and pretend they are OK with what is happening

Cuddlesworth

Deleted User wrote: »

Nope - not me.

I am actually interested in letting my partners explore some sex with other people as it happens. But I do it for a variety of reasons. Personally I am into the idea - I am also keen to have them explore sex a little more than just with me - as I met them relatively young and they had little to no experience.

But all the reasons I have are because I want it that way. Though they have not taken up the offer yet - nor have I sought out people to fulfil it or asked around all that much.

But the idea of allowing it - when I do NOT want to do it - simply to maintain a dying relationship - is the complete opposite of that and is not something I am interested in at all. That would not be part of my relationship or conducive to it - but a release of parts of it for the sake of holding onto the illusion of other parts of it. Not for me at all.

Its interesting that you use the plural when referencing your relationship/s.

MsBubbles

taxAHcruel if both parties consent and have safe sex that's fine it's their business.
But it makes me sad that Maria-Louise is putting up with behaviour she doesn't like so she's not alone.

Cuddlesworth

Cuddlesworth wrote: »

Its interesting that you use the plural when referencing your relationship/s.

It is a Polyamory type relationship I am in - hence the plural. But the point is that my desire to allow my partners free reign to explore some sexuality with others - with or without me present - is based on good reasons. It is nothing to do with a fear that I will lose my relationship if I never suggested or offered that choice.

MsBubbles wrote: »

taxAHcruel if both parties consent and have safe sex that's fine it's their business.
But it makes me sad that Maria-Louise is putting up with behaviour she doesn't like so she's not alone.

Exactly my point too. It is a for of psychological manipulation she is undergoing - whether she is doing it to herself - having it to down by her partner - or both. Essentially the continuation of her relationship is being held to ransom if she does not consent to allow infidelity. And it is truely sad if true. (If True being a standard disclaimer one should include in EVERY discussion of an article from the Daily Mail).

The_Captain

Deleted User wrote: »

Nope - not me.

I am actually interested in letting my partners explore some sex with other people as it happens. But I do it for a variety of reasons. Personally I am into the idea - I am also keen to have them explore sex a little more than just with me - as I met them relatively young and they had little to no experience.

But all the reasons I have are because I want it that way. Though they have not taken up the offer yet - nor have I sought out people to fulfil it or asked around all that much.

But the idea of allowing it - when I do NOT want to do it - simply to maintain a dying relationship - is the complete opposite of that and is not something I am interested in at all. That would not be part of my relationship or conducive to it - but a release of parts of it for the sake of holding onto the illusion of other parts of it. Not for me at all.

Bookmarking this thread pending future updates.

Generic Dreadhead

Deleted User wrote: »

It is a Polyamory type relationship I am in

Deleted User wrote: »

I am actually interested in letting my partners explore some sex with other people as it happens. But I do it for a variety of reasons. Personally I am into the idea - I am also keen to have them explore sex a little more than just with me - as I met them relatively young and they had little to no experience.

So you sleep around but none of your partners do? Wow, just wow

MsBubbles

I read the article I don't know it could just be how the article is written but My interpretation is Maria-Louise seems to have low self esteem and seems to be clinging on the hope that one day soon her current partner will no longer be attractive enough to have sex when and with whomever he wants.

cloud493

Although I'm not in a relationship, nor do I plan to be, nor do I have any interest in sex at all, I still couldn't do that.

DoYouEvenLift

What is with the big increase in cuckolding lately?

Cormac...

Cormac... wrote: »

So you sleep around but none of your partners do? Wow, just wow

I am not sure where you got ANY of that. I am in a relationship that is a three person relationship and, thus far, we have practiced 100% fidelity among the three of us and none of us have slept around.

Their sexual history is quite limited. One of them had only slept with me. The other had one partner before me. Since the start of the relationship there has been SOME sexual activity involving others - with all three of us present - consensual to all - but we are talking about two or three events here.

As such I have expressed the idea to them that they might want to explore some extra-relationship sex with or without me present in which they might obtain some more experience and I will not be the only one for their whole life. It helps that I am also somewhat sexually into the idea myself.

They appreciated the offer and have suggested they might engage in it in the future - but it has not really come up since - but it is an open idea on the back burner that has by no means been shelved. But - like me - they find forcing or "arranging" such things to be forced and unnatural. So instead we somewhat keep our mind open to offers and events as and when they might happen in the future.

But to return to the topic of this thread - ALL of the above is consensual and involves the consent and desires and interest of everyone concerned. This is the _exact_ opposite of the story in the OP where it seems the woman involved is being compelled to do it - by her relationship almost being held to ransom to force her to accept it. And that - if true - is really sad.

DoYouEvenLift wrote: »

What is with the big increase in cuckolding lately?

As with many things - I wonder if the increase in us HEARING about something is actually an increase in how often it actually happens.

Generic Dreadhead

Deleted User wrote: »

I am not sure where you got ANY of that. I am in a relationship that is a three person relationship and, thus far, we have practiced 100% fidelity among the three of us and none of us have slept around.

I'll blatantly admit I inferred it, but that's because your previous posts were pretty vague IMHO. The explanation above is a lot clearer and I can now see your situation. And regardless of what people say, as long as you're all happy that's the main thing. Though I have to say a 3-way-relationship is not for me

seamus

Deleted User wrote: »

As with many things - I wonder if the increase in us HEARING about something is actually an increase in how often it actually happens.

Indeed. Open relationships/polyamory has been slowly becoming less of a taboo, most likely as religion continues to lose its grip and it becomes clear that the only definition of a moral adult relationship is one where all parties consent freely.

In the article, the woman clearly has a lot of baggage which she should really have sorted out before jumping into a serious relationship. Sure, you make yourself tolerate almost anything given enough time, but you shouldn't have to.

Cormac...

Cormac... wrote: »

Though I have to say a 3-way-relationship is not for me

And you are - in my experience - probably very much in the majority on this. Open relationships or off standard relationships like my own are not appealing to most people I think. In fact had someone asked me before I entered one if I wanted such a thing - I would have strongly said "no" too. But quite often you evolve into such a situation by increments - find yourself in it - and you have no desire to go back or change a thing.

But then there are people like the lady in the OP story who do not want it - but feel compelled to consent to it - by their very relationship being held to ransom if they do not. And that - where it happens - is heart breaking to hear.

ash23

I think what is so wrong with the story in the OP is that he went and had the fling before he stated his feelings on open relationships.

Imo, nothing wrong with an open relationship but to begin a relationship with someone, lead them to believe that you conform to the typical relationship type which by default is monogamy and then sleep with someone else and tell them to suck it up, is wrong.

He should have been upfront a couple of dates in and told her so she had the choice early on.

I'd say he cheated but knowing that she was so desperate to stay in the relationship that he began claiming this was his right etc. knowing she'd stay.

I think it's pretty sad that she'd rather be in a miserable relationship than be alone.

seamus

seamus wrote: »

Indeed. Open relationships/polyamory has been slowly becoming less of a taboo, most likely as religion continues to lose its grip and it becomes clear that the only definition of a moral adult relationship is one where all parties consent freely.

Yea - we have watched it almost in real time over the decade of our relationship so far. Although we are very subtle and not overt about our - dynamic - if you will - there is still always someone who cops on to it - in a social setting - a pub or club - or some other part of our life.

And the nature of those reactions has certainly changed palpably over the years. Confusion and rage by many is almost unheard of for us now. A slightly raised eye brow is the usual reaction now and a few well meant questions by the more curious - which we are happy to entertain.

As you say - the death of religion - ongoing - likely has a lot to do with it. But similarly the perpetuation of rights for gays - and a society more and more seeing alternate lifestyles and dynamics - is merely becoming desensitized to the "horror" of people being unique and varied.

That said - there is still the occasional - likely well meaning but misled - guy who will cop the dynamic and step up to try and kick a few shades out of me - because it is "clear" to them that I must somehow by encroaching badly on chivalry itself and somehow wronging these girls in some way.

But in general - people do not even _notice_ because we simply do not call attention to it in any way.

eviltwin

Open relationships are fine once everyone involved knows the score and agrees to it. Its the desperation of this woman that is awful, so what that she's in her 50's, she doesn't have to settle for this crap. Its a pity she has such little respect for herself that she thinks this is the best she can get.

JuliusCaesar

The main way that relationship/marriages used to be 'open' was that the man could have affairs and the wife turned a blind eye. After all, she would gain legitimacy for her children and they would have inheritance rights.

Because marriage (formal marriage) is primarily about protecting property and the children.

But in actual fact, people had a variety of ways of actually living their lives and hopefully found a way that was mutually agreed and fulfilling.

Nowadays, there are more open marriages (polyamory), and there is certainly a huge increase in serial monogamy - possibly due to our increased life span. Many gay long-term relationships do not consider sexual fidelity to be their defining factor.



We really need to have a debate in society as to how we can address the needs of people as regards children, by which I include children's rights and needs, and property, so that the acrimony inherent in divorce can be reduced considerably.


(I didn't read the original story, but communication is of the essence in negotiating any kind of relationship! Any parameters - even fidelity - need to be discussed and agreed. Don't most people when dating decide at some stage to make the relationship 'exclusive'?)

KomradeBishop

It's pretty simple, if you're pursuing something where there is:
1: Mutual informed consent - that's fine.
2: Someones trust is being betrayed - that's wrong.

That's about it really.

Generic Dreadhead

Deleted User wrote: »

And the nature of those reactions has certainly changed palpably over the years. Confusion and rage by many is almost unheard of for us now. A slightly raised eye brow is the usual reaction now and a few well meant questions by the more curious - which we are happy to entertain

Well while I have you:
How old are you all?
How long have you know A & B?
Did you meet them at the same time or have to introduce a 2nd partner into a 1-on-1 relationship?
Do you all live together or do you all share a bed or do you take turns or what?
Are you more intimate with one over the other?
Do they identify as Bi or Straight?
Are any of you attached via parenthood or marriage, if not, do you intend to?
Do any of the answers to the above cause conflict with them?

Cormac...

Cormac... wrote: »

How old are you all?

I am 35. They are 27 and 33.

Cormac... wrote: »

How long have you know A & B?

I have known them since we were 17-23-25 more or less. Over 10 years now anyway. I am really crap at time when it comes to memory. It is all mixed up in my head. I am told this is a feature of ageing.

Cormac... wrote: »

Did you meet them at the same time or have to introduce a 2nd partner into a 1-on-1 relationship?

Yea pretty much around the same time. I developed an absolute love of live music when I was in college to the point I would literally get withdrawl if I went too long without a gig.

As part of that I used to arrange "pre gig meet ups" for gigs I was going to, on the website forums and the like of the music I loved. A lot of fun - met loads of people some of which are still amazing friends - and also the girls too.

Cormac... wrote: »

Do you all live together or do you all share a bed or do you take turns or what?

We bought a house here in Maynooth some time ago. We actually each have our own room - our own space - something I recommend in any relationship let alone more complex ones. Who actually sleeps in any given room on any given night is massively variable with no rules. It just happens as it happens.

Cormac... wrote: »

Are you more intimate with one over the other?

On any given day - perhaps - I do not track it. Over all averaged over time - no. Not at all.

Cormac... wrote: »

Do they identify as Bi or Straight?

Before they met - entirely straight. They claim that they were never into girls before each other - and aside from each other - have never really been into them since.

Cormac... wrote: »

Are any of you attached via parenthood or marriage, if not, do you intend to?

We have an advantage here that similar people we have met do not - in that the younger of the two is a Law Masters / Doctorate thingy. She can speak the language of Law as fluently as I try to speak English. This helped a lot. We are not married but we have a _lot_ of signed stuff that ensures at least some of the things marriage would bring - all relating to next of kin - inheritence - medical proxy - and much more.

I do not pretend to understand any of it. It really is another language to me sometimes. I get the gist of it. But we often joke that she probably hid stuff in the small print that we will never know about until she calls upon it to shaft us Though another Law professional in my own family did throw a cursory eye over it and nothing horrific jumped out at him. But trying to get me to learn, understand or talk law.... is like getting J C to learn biology with a science text book instead of the Bible

As for parenthood the plan is 4 children. We have 2 so far. The younger of the two wants to reach 30 before going down that route however. So I have three years before we go through THAT hell again Our youngest is just over 6 months now and the oldest she recently turned 4.

Cormac... wrote: »

Do any of the answers to the above cause conflict with them?

Thankfully no. None.

Hope that was not too long. I love talking about myself as much as the next person.

Generic Dreadhead

Well thats all very interesting.

H3llR4iser

SkyBlueClouds wrote: »

...She met her current boyfriend Tim while married to second husband Carol

Uhm...two measures for two lenghts? Maybe the situation is different, but at some point this lady decided she had the right to sleep with somebody else. Ok, she didn't go up and said "oh yeah, I'll keep doing that", but can't really paint herself too surprised.

Sex, according to Tim, is akin to browsing at the supermarket: one week he might fancy a rump steak, the next roast chicken. The choice was his to make

Sorry, for a 55 years old man it really is more like "rummaging through the bargain bin". Unless he is loaded or looks like George Clooney - preferably both. Or, he is "buying" directly.

Beefy78 wrote: »

What kind of a man's name is 'Carol'?

A Polish man, amongst others. There was a pretty famous one at that, used to dress in white. He should be fairly well known in Ireland.

Deleted User wrote: »

...
That said - there is still the occasional - likely well meaning but misled - guy who will cop the dynamic and step up to try and kick a few shades out of me - because it is "clear" to them that I must somehow by encroaching badly on chivalry itself and somehow wronging these girls in some way.
...

Really? That surprises me a bit. I would have expected women to be more likely to kick and scream about that kind of relationship, going on about how the girls are being "wronged" et all; Especially friends and families of the two ladies.

Potatoeman

Reminds me of the TV show big love.

H3llR4iser

H3llR4iser wrote: »

Really? That surprises me a bit. I would have expected women to be more likely to kick and scream about that kind of relationship, going on about how the girls are being "wronged" et all; Especially friends and families of the two ladies.

Thankfully never physically - I was more referring to people who were moved to violence by it. I have some training and can defend myself if I have to - though my victory in such situations likely stems more from me being mostly sober when the attacker is not - rather than my "skills". But I have never had to defend myself from a female attacker outside of training.

The worst we ever got from women - thankfully only one or two - is a righteous and LOUD litany about how bringing children into such a dynamic is a form of abuse or some such. We merely nodded sagely and let them on their way really.

Friends and family - yeah at the beginning there was a couple of friends who took it badly but most got over it. We lost a couple of friends who simply never came back. Their family was the hardest to get over with - at the beginning - as they just saw it as some sexual deviance - a temporary thing where I was somehow exploiting them and the like. Over time they saw we meant business - and their parental concern that their children simply be happy over ruled all else.

As with most parents who react badly to such things - like a child coming out homosexual - quite often their issue is not with the homosexuality but with the fear their child will not be happy.

Now not only are they all perfectly ok with it - and me - the parents who are not biologically grandparents still act in every way like they really are. They love us - the kids - everything. And I have every expectation when the next two kids come along - the current biological grand parents who will not be so for the next two kids - will be every bit as into the whole thing as they are now.

So I can not complain really. For the most part - with few exceptions of a lost friend or two - it could hardly have panned out better.

OldGoat

H3llR4iser wrote: »

Sorry, for a 55 years old man it really is more like "rummaging through the bargain bin". Unless he is loaded or looks like George Clooney - preferably both. Or, he is "buying" directly.

Oh feck off with the ageist crap.

Cupcake_Crisis

If it's a mutual agreement that both people are happy and comfortable with- by all means, shag rings around yourself.

If its a last ditch attempt by someone in a desperate effort to keep hold of a partner then no, it will end in absolute misery!

So it seems no one is answering "Yes" to the OPs question - which I guess is to be expected.

Perhaps a better question would be - for those who do NOT want their partner to sleep with someone else - what _would_ make you allow it? Something like Indecent Proposal where the money was right? Or some other motivation?

Those of us slightly into the idea anyway I guess can not really answer the question

ash23

Deleted User wrote: »

So it seems no one is answering "Yes" to the OPs question - which I guess is to be expected.

Perhaps a better question would be - for those who do NOT want their partner to sleep with someone else - what _would_ make you allow it? Something like Indecent Proposal where the money was right? Or some other motivation?

Those of us slightly into the idea anyway I guess can not really answer the question

I think the only thing that would make me "ok" with it would be if I were physically unable to have sex. I wouldn't expect my partner/husband to live a sex free life simply because of my own limitations.
However I wouldn't want him having relationships with others or having to hear about his other flings.

If he were discreet and safe and didn't shag too close to home then I'd turn a blind eye and give my consent.

JuliusCaesar

Just read the article.

This January, I turned 57. I was desperately lonely and in May I couldn’t take it any more. I called and begged him to take me back.
While friends are genuinely concerned that I’ve resumed our relationship, I’ve simply forced myself to accept that Tim will sow his oats when and with whom he wants to.
Today he’s 55 and I reassure myself he can’t go on doing it for ever. Granted, he’s handsome now, but sooner or later, women won’t want to sleep with him any more.
Things are back to normal between us and we’re a proper couple now, albeit one harbouring a rather tawdry secret.
I cherish having someone to hold my hand and tell me he loves me. What he does when he’s not with me I would rather not know.
Instead, I focus on our future: sitting on the terrace of our new home that I built for us, growing old together. After all — what other choice do I have?

Seeing she's told the Mail, and there are photos posted of the ex-husband, the present lover, and herself, it's not much of a secret.

evo2000

SkyBlueClouds wrote: »

Ladies, or gentlemen, would you ever let this happen in your marriage/relationship?

Could insecurity ever drive you to this point - would you allow the other half to sleep about just to hold onto them?




The above article isn't a representative sample of normal relationships (one hopes). It does beg the question though, we all have the one we never want to get away. Would you put up with such extreme measures?

**** NO! let another dude go balls deep in your missus ? what sort of a man would yeah be it d be no wonder she d be lookin for other people either that or shes a slut,

In either case go find another one, plenty of em out there,

Retain my ass! the second you start sleeping around it defeats the whole purpose of a relationship!

Micky Dolenz

Sex is over rated and yes, I have tired it, once.

evo2000

Micky Dolenz wrote: »

Sex is over rated and yes, I have tired it, once.

havin "sex" with your hand doesnt count. :P

evo2000

evo2000 wrote: »

Retain my ass! the second you start sleeping around it defeats the whole purpose of a relationship!

That depends on your definition of relationship and how it has to work. Different people have different definitions. Is your fidelity - for example - to the people in the relationship - or to the relationship itself.

For me it is the latter and as such I see no issue with "letting" the girls experiment with other guys. So far - as I said earlier - this has happened a couple of times. A game of dares in one case got quite heavy for example - involving me and the girls doing some stuff with other people. And another night in a house things got very heavy and stuff happened. It was all good - all enjoyed - all consensual and above board.

Since then I have asked them if they would like to engage in something else - with or without me there. They expressed some interest in it - but we never really followed it up yet. But we likely will some time.

But at no point do I see any of this being against the purpose of our relationship. At all.

Micky Dolenz

evo2000 wrote: »

havin "sex" with your hand doesnt count. :P

At least it's with someone who truly loves you.

evo2000

Micky Dolenz wrote: »

At least it's with someone who truly loves you.

hahahaha

evo2000

Deleted User wrote: »

That depends on your definition of relationship and how it has to work. Different people have different definitions. Is your fidelity - for example - to the people in the relationship - or to the relationship itself.

For me it is the latter and as such I see no issue with "letting" the girls experiment with other guys. So far - as I said earlier - this has happened a couple of times. A game of dares in one case got quite heavy for example - involving me and the girls doing some stuff with other people. And another night in a house things got very heavy and stuff happened. It was all good - all enjoyed - all consensual and above board.

Since then I have asked them if they would like to engage in something else - with or without me there. They expressed some interest in it - but we never really followed it up yet. But we likely will some time.

But at no point do I see any of this being against the purpose of our relationship. At all.

What ever your into i suppose, wouldnt be my cup of tea tho! i agree with you tho it does come down to how you define relationship, but i wouldnt like to be in a relationship like that..but to each there own and power too yeah if thats what makes ye happy!

evo2000

evo2000 wrote: »

What ever your into i suppose, wouldnt be my cup of tea tho! i agree with you tho it does come down to how you define relationship, but i wouldnt like to be in a relationship like that..but to each there own and power too yeah if thats what makes ye happy!

Yeah it really does come down to human diversity and what each person wants from a relationship. While - for example - I am big into the idea of "letting" the girls play around a bit - I would not want it to be consistent or constant. I am talking about a couple of experiences here. One offs.

I would not be into an "open" relationship at all. Many people are. But it would not be for me.

But a couple of one offs - just for fun - maybe even let them indulge some of their fantasies which came out in a house party game of dares recently - I would be game for that.

But full on "open" relationship - power to the people who like them - but I would be so put off by the idea.

Saipanne

I was dating a girl who was into this kind of thing. The benefit for me would have been threesomes with bisexual girls on tap, most men's fantasy. But I couldn't hack it. It was too hot and cold. One minute it was like she loved me, then the next she was distant. It was wrecking my head, because I really liked her, so this led to conflict and it ended. So, this way of life is not for me. I enjoy the intimacy of monogamy.

Thing is, she never struck me as happy with her lifestyle. She seemed to almost hate herself for it.

Never got a threesome out of it though.

Damn it.

Saipanne

Saipanne wrote: »

Never got a threesome out of it though.

Damn it.

Ah dont worry about it - they are not all they are cracked up to be.

No wait - that's not true at all - sorry