Letting your OH sleep about in order to retain your 'relationship'

SkyBlueClouds · 14-10-2014 10:14am #1

Ladies, or gentlemen, would you ever let this happen in your marriage/relationship?

Could insecurity ever drive you to this point - would you allow the other half to sleep about just to hold onto them?

Mail Online
Would you let your man sleep with other women to stop him leaving you? Divorcee Maria-Louise does - and says at 57 she has no choice

Maria-Louise has been married twice, to men who refused to have sex
She met her current boyfriend Tim while married to second husband Carol
Six months after they first had sex, she found out he'd indulged in a fling
According to Tim, 55, he had the ‘right’ to have sex with who he liked
Likened choosing women to sleep with to browsing at a supermarket
At 57, Maria-Louise feels she can no longer afford to be choosy

Sex, according to Tim, is akin to browsing at the supermarket: one week he might fancy a rump steak, the next roast chicken. The choice was his to make

The above article isn't a representative sample of normal relationships (one hopes). It does beg the question though, we all have the one we never want to get away. Would you put up with such extreme measures?

MarkR · 14-10-2014 10:16am

SkyBlueClouds wrote: »

Ladies, or gentlemen, would you ever let this happen in your marriage/relationship?

Could insecurity ever drive you to this point - would you allow the other half to sleep about just to hold onto them?

The above article isn't a representative sample of normal relationships (one hopes). It does beg the question though, we all have the one we never want to get away. Would you put up with such extreme measures?

With a sexy college girl? Remember kids, sharing is caring!

Real answer, no.

Beefy78 · 14-10-2014 10:18am

What kind of a man's name is 'Carol'?

GLaDOS · 14-10-2014 10:19am

Ah the Daily Mail, wouldn't expect any less

AnonoBoy · 14-10-2014 10:21am

Why would you marry someone who refused to have sex?

smash · 14-10-2014 10:21am

At 57, Maria-Louise is a moron!

shruikan2553 · 14-10-2014 10:22am

Its not cheating if you invite your girfriend to join in.

OneArt · 14-10-2014 10:25am

Well if she's allowed to go for a bit of a shag herself with another bloke I don't see the problem.

It's up to individuals involved in the relationship to decide what goes and what doesn't.

bear1 · 14-10-2014 10:28am

shruikan2553 wrote: »

Its not cheating if you invite your girfriend to join in.

Only if she enjoys the other lads c0ck more than yours then yeah I'd say it's cheating

MsBubbles · 14-10-2014 10:53am

If Maria-Louise is monogamous to this man I feel sorry for her because it seems like she has low self esteem. Also I'd be very worried about getting an STI from her partner.

It seems to me like her partner wants to have his cake and eat it.

Maybe I'm naive but if I'm in relationship I'm faithful to my partner.

14-10-2014 10:55am

SkyBlueClouds wrote: »

Would you put up with such extreme measures?

Nope - not me.

I am actually interested in letting my partners explore some sex with other people as it happens. But I do it for a variety of reasons. Personally I am into the idea - I am also keen to have them explore sex a little more than just with me - as I met them relatively young and they had little to no experience.

But all the reasons I have are because I want it that way. Though they have not taken up the offer yet - nor have I sought out people to fulfil it or asked around all that much.

But the idea of allowing it - when I do NOT want to do it - simply to maintain a dying relationship - is the complete opposite of that and is not something I am interested in at all. That would not be part of my relationship or conducive to it - but a release of parts of it for the sake of holding onto the illusion of other parts of it. Not for me at all.

jester77 · 14-10-2014 10:55am

If nothing else, at least he's honest about it

mickydoomsux · 14-10-2014 10:56am

This generally happens when people should really break up but something like kids, property or money forces them to stay together and pretend they are OK with what is happening

Cuddlesworth · 14-10-2014 10:58am

Deleted User wrote: »

Nope - not me.

I am actually interested in letting my partners explore some sex with other people as it happens. But I do it for a variety of reasons. Personally I am into the idea - I am also keen to have them explore sex a little more than just with me - as I met them relatively young and they had little to no experience.

But all the reasons I have are because I want it that way. Though they have not taken up the offer yet - nor have I sought out people to fulfil it or asked around all that much.

But the idea of allowing it - when I do NOT want to do it - simply to maintain a dying relationship - is the complete opposite of that and is not something I am interested in at all. That would not be part of my relationship or conducive to it - but a release of parts of it for the sake of holding onto the illusion of other parts of it. Not for me at all.

Its interesting that you use the plural when referencing your relationship/s.

MsBubbles · 14-10-2014 11:01am

taxAHcruel if both parties consent and have safe sex that's fine it's their business.
But it makes me sad that Maria-Louise is putting up with behaviour she doesn't like so she's not alone.

14-10-2014 11:04am

Cuddlesworth wrote: »

Its interesting that you use the plural when referencing your relationship/s.

It is a Polyamory type relationship I am in - hence the plural. But the point is that my desire to allow my partners free reign to explore some sexuality with others - with or without me present - is based on good reasons. It is nothing to do with a fear that I will lose my relationship if I never suggested or offered that choice.

MsBubbles wrote: »

taxAHcruel if both parties consent and have safe sex that's fine it's their business.
But it makes me sad that Maria-Louise is putting up with behaviour she doesn't like so she's not alone.

Exactly my point too. It is a for of psychological manipulation she is undergoing - whether she is doing it to herself - having it to down by her partner - or both. Essentially the continuation of her relationship is being held to ransom if she does not consent to allow infidelity. And it is truely sad if true. (If True being a standard disclaimer one should include in EVERY discussion of an article from the Daily Mail).

The_Captain · 14-10-2014 11:25am

Deleted User wrote: »

Nope - not me.

I am actually interested in letting my partners explore some sex with other people as it happens. But I do it for a variety of reasons. Personally I am into the idea - I am also keen to have them explore sex a little more than just with me - as I met them relatively young and they had little to no experience.

But all the reasons I have are because I want it that way. Though they have not taken up the offer yet - nor have I sought out people to fulfil it or asked around all that much.

But the idea of allowing it - when I do NOT want to do it - simply to maintain a dying relationship - is the complete opposite of that and is not something I am interested in at all. That would not be part of my relationship or conducive to it - but a release of parts of it for the sake of holding onto the illusion of other parts of it. Not for me at all.

Bookmarking this thread pending future updates.

Generic Dreadhead · 14-10-2014 11:32am

Deleted User wrote: »

It is a Polyamory type relationship I am in

Deleted User wrote: »

I am actually interested in letting my partners explore some sex with other people as it happens. But I do it for a variety of reasons. Personally I am into the idea - I am also keen to have them explore sex a little more than just with me - as I met them relatively young and they had little to no experience.

So you sleep around but none of your partners do? Wow, just wow

MsBubbles · 14-10-2014 11:33am

I read the article I don't know it could just be how the article is written but My interpretation is Maria-Louise seems to have low self esteem and seems to be clinging on the hope that one day soon her current partner will no longer be attractive enough to have sex when and with whomever he wants.

cloud493 · 14-10-2014 11:34am

Although I'm not in a relationship, nor do I plan to be, nor do I have any interest in sex at all, I still couldn't do that.

DoYouEvenLift · 14-10-2014 11:37am

What is with the big increase in cuckolding lately?

14-10-2014 11:38am

Cormac... wrote: »

So you sleep around but none of your partners do? Wow, just wow

I am not sure where you got ANY of that. I am in a relationship that is a three person relationship and, thus far, we have practiced 100% fidelity among the three of us and none of us have slept around.

Their sexual history is quite limited. One of them had only slept with me. The other had one partner before me. Since the start of the relationship there has been SOME sexual activity involving others - with all three of us present - consensual to all - but we are talking about two or three events here.

As such I have expressed the idea to them that they might want to explore some extra-relationship sex with or without me present in which they might obtain some more experience and I will not be the only one for their whole life. It helps that I am also somewhat sexually into the idea myself.

They appreciated the offer and have suggested they might engage in it in the future - but it has not really come up since - but it is an open idea on the back burner that has by no means been shelved. But - like me - they find forcing or "arranging" such things to be forced and unnatural. So instead we somewhat keep our mind open to offers and events as and when they might happen in the future.

But to return to the topic of this thread - ALL of the above is consensual and involves the consent and desires and interest of everyone concerned. This is the _exact_ opposite of the story in the OP where it seems the woman involved is being compelled to do it - by her relationship almost being held to ransom to force her to accept it. And that - if true - is really sad.

DoYouEvenLift wrote: »

What is with the big increase in cuckolding lately?

As with many things - I wonder if the increase in us HEARING about something is actually an increase in how often it actually happens.

Generic Dreadhead · 14-10-2014 11:42am

Deleted User wrote: »

I am not sure where you got ANY of that. I am in a relationship that is a three person relationship and, thus far, we have practiced 100% fidelity among the three of us and none of us have slept around.

I'll blatantly admit I inferred it, but that's because your previous posts were pretty vague IMHO. The explanation above is a lot clearer and I can now see your situation. And regardless of what people say, as long as you're all happy that's the main thing. Though I have to say a 3-way-relationship is not for me

seamus · 14-10-2014 11:44am

Deleted User wrote: »

As with many things - I wonder if the increase in us HEARING about something is actually an increase in how often it actually happens.

Indeed. Open relationships/polyamory has been slowly becoming less of a taboo, most likely as religion continues to lose its grip and it becomes clear that the only definition of a moral adult relationship is one where all parties consent freely.

In the article, the woman clearly has a lot of baggage which she should really have sorted out before jumping into a serious relationship. Sure, you make yourself tolerate almost anything given enough time, but you shouldn't have to.

14-10-2014 11:48am

Cormac... wrote: »

Though I have to say a 3-way-relationship is not for me

And you are - in my experience - probably very much in the majority on this. Open relationships or off standard relationships like my own are not appealing to most people I think. In fact had someone asked me before I entered one if I wanted such a thing - I would have strongly said "no" too. But quite often you evolve into such a situation by increments - find yourself in it - and you have no desire to go back or change a thing.

But then there are people like the lady in the OP story who do not want it - but feel compelled to consent to it - by their very relationship being held to ransom if they do not. And that - where it happens - is heart breaking to hear.

ash23 · 14-10-2014 12:00pm

I think what is so wrong with the story in the OP is that he went and had the fling before he stated his feelings on open relationships.

Imo, nothing wrong with an open relationship but to begin a relationship with someone, lead them to believe that you conform to the typical relationship type which by default is monogamy and then sleep with someone else and tell them to suck it up, is wrong.

He should have been upfront a couple of dates in and told her so she had the choice early on.

I'd say he cheated but knowing that she was so desperate to stay in the relationship that he began claiming this was his right etc. knowing she'd stay.

I think it's pretty sad that she'd rather be in a miserable relationship than be alone.

14-10-2014 12:06pm

seamus wrote: »

Indeed. Open relationships/polyamory has been slowly becoming less of a taboo, most likely as religion continues to lose its grip and it becomes clear that the only definition of a moral adult relationship is one where all parties consent freely.

Yea - we have watched it almost in real time over the decade of our relationship so far. Although we are very subtle and not overt about our - dynamic - if you will - there is still always someone who cops on to it - in a social setting - a pub or club - or some other part of our life.

And the nature of those reactions has certainly changed palpably over the years. Confusion and rage by many is almost unheard of for us now. A slightly raised eye brow is the usual reaction now and a few well meant questions by the more curious - which we are happy to entertain.

As you say - the death of religion - ongoing - likely has a lot to do with it. But similarly the perpetuation of rights for gays - and a society more and more seeing alternate lifestyles and dynamics - is merely becoming desensitized to the "horror" of people being unique and varied.

That said - there is still the occasional - likely well meaning but misled - guy who will cop the dynamic and step up to try and kick a few shades out of me - because it is "clear" to them that I must somehow by encroaching badly on chivalry itself and somehow wronging these girls in some way.

But in general - people do not even _notice_ because we simply do not call attention to it in any way.

eviltwin · 14-10-2014 12:11pm

Open relationships are fine once everyone involved knows the score and agrees to it. Its the desperation of this woman that is awful, so what that she's in her 50's, she doesn't have to settle for this crap. Its a pity she has such little respect for herself that she thinks this is the best she can get.

JuliusCaesar · 14-10-2014 12:20pm

The main way that relationship/marriages used to be 'open' was that the man could have affairs and the wife turned a blind eye. After all, she would gain legitimacy for her children and they would have inheritance rights.

Because marriage (formal marriage) is primarily about protecting property and the children.

But in actual fact, people had a variety of ways of actually living their lives and hopefully found a way that was mutually agreed and fulfilling.

Nowadays, there are more open marriages (polyamory), and there is certainly a huge increase in serial monogamy - possibly due to our increased life span. Many gay long-term relationships do not consider sexual fidelity to be their defining factor.

We really need to have a debate in society as to how we can address the needs of people as regards children, by which I include children's rights and needs, and property, so that the acrimony inherent in divorce can be reduced considerably.

(I didn't read the original story, but communication is of the essence in negotiating any kind of relationship! Any parameters - even fidelity - need to be discussed and agreed. Don't most people when dating decide at some stage to make the relationship 'exclusive'?)

KomradeBishop · 14-10-2014 12:31pm

It's pretty simple, if you're pursuing something where there is:
1: Mutual informed consent - that's fine.
2: Someones trust is being betrayed - that's wrong.

That's about it really.

Generic Dreadhead · 14-10-2014 12:36pm

Deleted User wrote: »

And the nature of those reactions has certainly changed palpably over the years. Confusion and rage by many is almost unheard of for us now. A slightly raised eye brow is the usual reaction now and a few well meant questions by the more curious - which we are happy to entertain

Well while I have you:
How old are you all?
How long have you know A & B?
Did you meet them at the same time or have to introduce a 2nd partner into a 1-on-1 relationship?
Do you all live together or do you all share a bed or do you take turns or what?
Are you more intimate with one over the other?
Do they identify as Bi or Straight?
Are any of you attached via parenthood or marriage, if not, do you intend to?
Do any of the answers to the above cause conflict with them?

Letting your OH sleep about in order to retain your 'relationship'

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