Is there "something wrong" with a guy if he...

donegal_man

Would you insist on knowing how many partners someone had had before entering into a relationship with them? It's an honest question as I can't see how you would introduce it into a conversation.

Barely There

DoYouEvenLift wrote: »

Well that's kind of a given seeing as he also probably wouldn't have time for you since 20 would more than likely fall above what's an acceptable number to him.

If someones number is high enough that they personally don't feel comfortable disclosing the honest truth in fear of the relationship ending or that one partner suspects the others of being too high to personally be able to accept that they fear even knowing the truth then it's just a tad bit sad that two people in a relationship cannot be completely open and honest with one another. If I was in that kind of situation I wouldn't settle until I was with someone I could be truly honest with and be accepted. Also, someone not being comfortable telling the truth about their number of previous partners seems a little insecure in my opinion. I mean, if women are going to try to be like certain men when it comes to having high numbers of sexual partners, which isn't actually very common I might add, then women should also be as confident about their high numbers as men are and be prepared to be open about it...[sarcasm]unless, of course, the woman feels guilty about it for some odd reason.[/sarcasm]

It's not about openness or honesty. For a lot of people it's about not really caring that much about it in the first place.

No idea how many previous sexual partners my wife's had and she's no idea how many I've had, but neither of us were virgins when we met.

We've been married over 10years and it's honestly never cropped up in conversation. It's irrelevant really who she's been with sexually in the past, I'm far more interested in who she's with sexually in the present - that'd be me .

I've found from previous relationships that people who are obsessed with knowing 'the number' tend to be a bit lacking in self-confidence.

Liam McPoyle

Barely There wrote: »

It's not about openness or honesty. For a lot of people it's about not really caring that much about it in the first place.

No idea how many previous sexual partners my wife's had and she's no idea how many I've had, but neither of us were virgins when we met.

We've been married over 10years and it's honestly never cropped up in conversation. It's irrelevant really who she's been with sexually in the past, I'm far more interested in who she's with sexually in the present - that'd be me .

I've found from previous relationships that people who are obsessed with knowing 'the number' tend to be a bit lacking in self-confidence.

+100%

My fiance does not know my "number", I dont know hers, nor do either of us care. As you said above, who she is having sex with now is all that matters.

paddy1990

paddy1990 wrote: »

Is there "something wrong" with a guy if he...
doesn't want his future wife to have had sex with 20+ guys?

I would not say there is anything "wrong" with it. Everyone has their preferences. I simply do not understand this particular preference myself. If a girl is sexually healthy in the present - then who she was with in the past would bother me not at all. That other people think otherwise is clear - but why they do is not I guess.

I have many criteria for picking a partner - and their sexual history is simply not on the list. Perhaps there is something "wrong" with me. Actually my partners having little sexual experience before meeting me is one reason why extra-relationship activity is an avenue worth exploring. I would actually not like to think I am the only person a girl has sex with in their whole life.

Ave Sodalis

DoYouEvenLift wrote: »

Well that's kind of a given seeing as he also probably wouldn't have time for you since 20 would more than likely fall above what's an acceptable number to him.

If someones number is high enough that they personally don't feel comfortable disclosing the honest truth in fear of the relationship ending or that one partner suspects the others of being too high to personally be able to accept that they fear even knowing the truth then it's just a tad bit sad that two people in a relationship cannot be completely open and honest with one another. If I was in that kind of situation I wouldn't settle until I was with someone I could be truly honest with and be accepted. Also, someone not being comfortable telling the truth about their number of previous partners seems a little insecure in my opinion. I mean, if women are going to try to be like certain men when it comes to having high numbers of sexual partners, which isn't actually very common I might add, then women should also be as confident about their high numbers as men are and be prepared to be open about it...[sarcasm]unless, of course, the woman feels guilty about it for some odd reason.[/sarcasm]

Not once did I say I was afraid of telling him for fear of my relationship ending. I said he doesn't know because it's irrelevant so he never felt the need to ask. If he wanted to know, I would tell him and if he had a problem with it (and I don't see how he would) then I'd be better off without someone who judges me like that. Luckily, my boyfriend knows that it's irrelevant and that the only thing that matters now is that I only have one.

Also, I have a high number because I like sex and was single up until my boyfriend. Not because I want to be like a man.

Liam McPoyle

I have a two fold question for those that say the amount of partners someone had had would be an issue.

Firstly, say you meet the girl of your dreams, someone that ticks the boxes in every conceievable way based on your own preferences but you find out she had had intercourse with <insert your own cut off point here> partners.

Would you over look it if she had slept with 1,2,3 or what ever more partners than you would deem normally acceptable?

What's the cut off point, if any?

Secondly, if the conversation came up with a partner and it turned out you had slept with twice as many people as she had. She decides based on your number that you have been too promiscuous for her tastes and bins you, I presume that would be 100% acceptable?

Wibbs

Business Cat wrote: »

Firstly, say you meet the girl of your dreams, someone that ticks the boxes in every conceievable way based on your own preferences but you find out she had had intercourse with <insert your own cut off point here> partners.

Would you over look it if she had slept with 1,2,3 or what ever more partners than you would deem normally acceptable?

What's the cut off point, if any?

For me the cut off point would be less a figure than the mentality/worldview behind it. A narcissist with self control issues with 10 would be a lot more of an issue than an emotionally stable woman with 20. However if the number is up at three figures I'd be asking questions regardless.

Secondly, if the conversation came up with a partner and it turned out you had slept with twice as many people as she had. She decides based on your number that you have been too promiscuous for her tastes and bins you, I presume that would be 100% acceptable?

Yep. I could perfectly understand their reasoning(if said number was well above average). It would be their choice to make that call, just as it would be my choice in reverse.

gunny558

Bepolite wrote: »

Firstly who says a successful marriage has to be monogamous?

Secondly what ever two people decide works for them one constant holds in the vast majority of cases and that's honesty and trust, if you don't have that then there's not really much else to worry about; you're doomed to fail.

Thirdly, 1951 would like this thread back.

Dont get me wrong, Im not saying the only way a marraige can be happy is through monogomy.

If an open relationship works for you and having NSA encounters with strangers and your husband is happy then work away. Knock yourself out.

But for the '1951 lads' amongst us, who actually want a closed relationship- if our woman wanted to sleep around with other men while dating us.... that would be a problem.

Now Im not going to lie and try and think up reasons etc I can see its silly logic. Her sleeping around doesnt really hurt us in any real way (so long as she uses protection) but I guess we just dont like the idea that shes off sleeping with other men whilst dating us at the same time. Yeh its stupid logic, and probably makes us old fashioned and conservative etc but its just the way we are and theres no changing it. More liberal people like yourself can tell us we are oppressive and controlling etc... but it aint gonna change us :P

dissed doc

paddy1990 wrote: »

Doesn't want his future wife to have had sex with 20+ guys?

I was talking to some friends and this came up and the girls were all saying that any guy who has a problem with it (i threw out 20 as an arbitrary number) all had a complex and had issues and "something wrong" with them.

What was funny to me was that some men agreed with the women. I think there was an element of white knighting going on, as the girl that was the most outspoken is absolutely gorgeous, so some of the lads would have been white knighting in the hopes of keeping any hope alive of something happening between them and her on a drunken night. In fact one guy actually admitted this afterwards lol

Personally I would rather marry a girl with as low an amount of sexual partners as possible, with a virgin being absolutely ideal.

If someone is used to having a lot of sexual partners and variety, they are unlikely to suddenly change if that way of life has developed in parallel to their personality.

It is not time based but what experience people have developed and how prepared for adult long term relationships they are. 20 partners and 30 years old means e.g., 1 or 2 new people every year in a relationship. Would that person struggle after 3 or 5 years in a relationship leading to marriage? I think so.

Zico

I thought this was supposed to be the Gentlemen's Club. Whatever happened to never telling?:P

There are some questions you're better off not knowing the answer to, in my opinion.

If you've got a number in your head and they come back with a number way below it will you think they're lying?

Best let sleeping dogs lie.

eviltwin

I often wonder about "the number" and if people who put such an emphasis on it are only concerned with the figure or it they have an issue with the nature of "the number"

For example, say you meet a person who has had 10 partners. Does it make a difference if those 10 people were proper relationships? Is it better to have been in 10 relationships than say, have had 4 drunken one night stands with people who you barely remember?

If you have had only had one lover what does that say about you? Does it make you a better prospect than the man or woman who has had a history? If so why and if not, why not?

I don't get this hang up on the number of sexual partners a person has had, I can understand it if you are young and the people you are looking at as potential dates are young enough not to have a history but for most people over a certain age the idea of a virgin or a person who has only had sex with one person is a bit pie in the sky.

Personally I want someone who has had a past, who has had a chance to hone his skills and get over his sexual hang ups with someone else. I don't want to have to be a teacher or the one who helps him through his fears of say, oral sex. I'm too old to take someone in hand and guide them. All I need to know is that they are experienced, std free and on the same wave length as me. The actual tally of past lovers is none of my business.

The One Doctor

The idea of finding a virgin is bizarre. Of the two partners I've had so far, including my current girlfriend with whom our baby is due in December, both have been more experienced than me, teaching me a lot in the process.

Why would I want a partner with less sexual experience than I have? it doesn't make any sense. A virgin would make for an utterly crap sexual experience. Would I have my car repaired by someone with no experience of repairing cars? Fuck no.

J Mysterio

Id say its a power/ control thing for OP. She's mine, mine, all mine! I'd hazard a guess OP is likely young, inexperienced and slightly frightened.

Sleephead

Zico wrote: »

Best let sleeping dogs lie.

That's what caused the issue in the first place!

Alf Veedersane

The benefits of an experienced girlfriend/wife are obvious.

But a lot of blokes don't like to think about them picking up that experience.

The preference being The Immaculate Education, if you will.


Personally, I don't really think about my wife's sexual history. It doesn't interest me because I love who she is. What she did is irrelevant.

As is the fact I smoked for a week when I was 11.

Pawwed Rig

Sleephead wrote: »

That's what caused the issue in the first place!

Mod note - Clean up the tone a bit. Thx

keane2097

It seems reasonable for someone to want a partner with the same attitude to sex as they have themselves.

In general though, this sort of thing tends to be a problem for certain men who are upset that the amount of sex they would like to have (and the amount they think others are having) doesn't match up with the amount of sex they get.

ancapailldorcha

As long as "the number" isn't in the magnitude of several hundreds then I wouldn't be too bothered. It's not really my business. A number of that magnitude would probably be indicative of some sort of issues for anyone of either gender though since I've no intention of dating any men then that's of no concern to me.

DazMarz

First and foremost, would be someone who you can get along with, have a laugh with, enjoy being with, someone you can trust, someone who makes you smile when you think of them, someone who you can just be in love with. That would be what I'd look for first!

When it comes to the bedroom side of things, I'd much rather someone who is very experienced, who knows what they're doing, who'd be open to experimentation and who would be just simply good in bed.

Previous partners would not mean an awful lot to me, if at all. Maybe if a previous partner was a really, really close friend of mine or something, but even at that, I don't think it would bother me.

I know plenty of girls who would have a lot of sexual partners, but once they get into a relationship, that guy is the only one for them. That's it. And that is all that really matters.

This childish bull that some posters have said about the same mouth that was used to perform sexual acts is now being used to kiss their children... That is so childish and such utter rubbish, I don't even know where to start. What about a couple who have never been with anyone else, who have always been together? Surely the female partner in that relationship has performed certain sexual acts on her partner involving her mouth? If they have a child together then, do you still feel the same about her kissing her child?

(Please note: the above paragraph was insanely hard to write without descending to childish sexual language)

The bottom line is, once you are happy with your partner, once your sex life is good and once you are faithful to each other... leave the past where it is and move the fúck on. If you are trying to attain that "perfect", virginal woman later in life, you're in for a big disappointment... even if you find her...

Barely There

I don't really get why 'the number' has such a significance anyway.
If a girl is in her mid-20's say, and has had two long term relationships which have lasted around 3 years each, then her number is only two, but she'll have had sex way more times and be far more sexually experienced than a similar girl who's had 30 ONS in the same period.

i take it you mean 20+ guys at once????

ha ha otherwise who cares and why should you??? are you afraid you'll suffer buy comparison??? does it not mean that after 20 plus, she has finally decided nobody else comes close to you?? kind of a compliment I'd think.

you're over thinking this one way too much!

daveyeh

Some of the posts here are childishly insecure.

You'd think that the girl with 20 previous partners had the 20 c***s in her at the same time.

If you liked to put it about a bit yourself in the past, it's normal to accept that if your partner had too, that it's ok.

Ashbx

paddy1990 wrote: »

Doesn't want his future wife to have had sex with 20+ guys?

I was talking to some friends and this came up and the girls were all saying that any guy who has a problem with it (i threw out 20 as an arbitrary number) all had a complex and had issues and "something wrong" with them.

What was funny to me was that some men agreed with the women. I think there was an element of white knighting going on, as the girl that was the most outspoken is absolutely gorgeous, so some of the lads would have been white knighting in the hopes of keeping any hope alive of something happening between them and her on a drunken night. In fact one guy actually admitted this afterwards lol

Personally I would rather marry a girl with as low an amount of sexual partners as possible, with a virgin being absolutely ideal.

I do agree that majority of men probably don't want their future wives having loads of sexual partners. A virgin however - I think you are hoping too much in this day and age!

But you also need to understand that women are just like men....women have a need for sex too. Women enjoy sex too. And some women do enjoy having one night stands! So if she does have a few partners under her belt, I don't think its fair to think of her any different because of it. At the end of the day, if she is marrying you...then she has chosen you despite how many or little partners she's had in the past.

I suppose its the age old argument of why can a guy have sex with 20+ women and be considered a hero and a woman does it and is considered a slut.

What is your opinion the other way around? I am a woman, and I can certainly tell you, I wouldn't like my future husband to have 20+ sexual partners either!

I do agree with you but I also think it goes both ways!!!

Barely There

Ashbx wrote: »

But you also need to understand that women are just like men....women have a need for sex too. Women enjoy sex too. And some women do enjoy having one night stands! So if she does have a few partners under her belt, I don't think its fair to think of her any different because of it. At the end of the day, if she is marrying you...then she has chosen you despite how many or little partners she's had in the past.

I suppose its the age old argument of why can a guy have sex with 20+ women and be considered a hero and a woman does it and is considered a slut.

What is your opinion the other way around? I am a woman, and I can certainly tell you, I wouldn't like my future husband to have 20+ sexual partners either!

I do agree with you but I also think it goes both ways!!!

It seems like you're contradicting yourself in your post tbh.

I'm curious - If you would consider 20 partners to too much for a potential husband - what would be your 'cut-off number'?

Ashbx

Ashbx wrote: »

I do agree that majority of men probably don't want their future wives having loads of sexual partners. A virgin however - I think you are hoping too much in this day and age!

But you also need to understand that women are just like men....women have a need for sex too. Women enjoy sex too. And some women do enjoy having one night stands! So if she does have a few partners under her belt, I don't think its fair to think of her any different because of it. At the end of the day, if she is marrying you...then she has chosen you despite how many or little partners she's had in the past.

I suppose its the age old argument of why can a guy have sex with 20+ women and be considered a hero and a woman does it and is considered a slut.

What is your opinion the other way around? I am a woman, and I can certainly tell you, I wouldn't like my future husband to have 20+ sexual partners either!

I do agree with you but I also think it goes both ways!!!

more to the point ashbx, do you go both ways?? oh behave!!!!!!:D

Ashbx

Barely There wrote: »

It seems like you're contradicting yourself in your post tbh.

I'm curious - If you would consider 20 partners to too much for a potential husband - what would be your 'cut-off number'?

I suppose I kind of am there! I shouldn't have put the last line in!

At the end of the day, I don't have a cut off point really because everyone is different. I lost my virginity 12 years ago, however I have been with my current boyfriend for the last 11 years so my number of partners is actually very low but im not inexperienced. Someone could have lost their virginity the exact same day as me but because they haven't been in a relationship for a long period could have 30 or 40 partners!

So basically, yes im contradicting myself a bit but I can only speak from my experience. It might bother me for a few days yes but it would never affect my judgement of my boyfriend. It certainly wouldn't make me turn down a proposal or anything of the sort! Like I said in my previous post, if he chooses me then despite all the other partners, im the one he chose!

However, despite my contradiction, my post was to see how people would feel if it was a woman asking about a man's sexual partners? I do feel its very different rules for men and women in this regard and at the end of the day, it really shouldn't make a difference.

Ashbx

rusty cole wrote: »

more to the point ashbx, do you go both ways?? oh behave!!!!!!:D

Ha ha, you certainly have a way of twisting words!

strobe

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest if they had a lot of previous sexual partners, unless I had reason to think otherwise I'd just presume they really loved sex, were uninhibited about it, and had been single quite a lot. Which I'd view quite positively if anything.

strobe

strobe wrote: »

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest if they had a lot of previous sexual partners, unless I had reason to think otherwise I'd just presume they really loved sex, were uninhibited about it, and had been single quite a lot. Which I'd view quite positively if anything.

yesss H.I.V Positively... ha ha ha

sorry I couldn't resist.. im still in agreement with the girls!

Blacktie.

I think a lot of this fear of a number is a fear of her having had better. Insecurities galore.