Asking A Father's Permission

FunLover18

When it comes to marriage proposals, do men still ask the OH's father for permission/their blessing?

It strikes me as extremely old fashioned. Is it a respect thing , and if so, who exactly is it respectful to? If for someone reason they say no would it make a difference?

Girls, do you want your OH to ask your dad before you?

Dads, do you care?

Wompa1

FunLover18 wrote: »

When it comes to marriage proposals, do men still ask the OH's father for permission/their blessing?

It strikes me as extremely old fashioned. Is it a respect thing , and if so, who exactly is it respectful to? If for someone reason they say no would it make a difference?

Girls, do you want your OH to ask your dad before you?

Dads, do you care?

Not a dad and also haven't been in that situation yet. If I was, I would ask but I would tell the father beforehand that I was going to do it. I'd say, I wanted to let you know beforehand that I'm going to ask her, I just wanted to let you know out of respect...

I wouldn't ask or care what he said after that.

bearhugs

I don't think they do, not that I've ever heard of anyway. I'd say it depends a lot on the woman how she feels, and the family dynamic. To me it's more a respect thing, and maybe a nice gesture before the fact.

FunLover18

Wompa1 wrote: »

Not a dad and also haven't been in that situation yet. If I was, I would ask but I would tell the father beforehand that I was going to do it. I'd say, I wanted to let you know beforehand that I'm going to ask her, I just wanted to let you know out of respect...

I wouldn't ask or care what he said after that.

I'm not in that position either before anyone assumes otherwise, not even close, and don't get me wrong I don't completely disagree with it but I'm just wondering would be seen as disrespectful to not say anything?

Pawwed Rig

Very disrespectful to the girl imho. She is not the property of her father and shouldn't be treated as such. She will make her own decisions.

FunLover18

bearhugs wrote: »

I don't think they do, not that I've ever heard of anyway. I'd say it depends a lot on the woman how she feels, and the family dynamic. To me it's more a respect thing, and maybe a nice gesture before the fact.

The reason I ask is because I heard of someone recently who did and I thought it was odd. It turns out the mother then went and told the daughter that her boyfriend was planning to propose but that's a whole other issue

Wompa1

FunLover18 wrote: »

I'm not in that position either before anyone assumes otherwise, not even close, and don't get me wrong I don't completely disagree with it but I'm just wondering would be seen as disrespectful to not say anything?

I don't think so. I think it's just showing respect to the father...but not asking\giving the heads up isn't really disrespect.

CantonasCollar

Myself and the wife decided to get engaged, before popping the big question to her I asked her dad for permission. It was akward as hell despite us having a good relationship ( myself and the wife had been together for 8 years at this point). Her dad just typically being himself turns round and says " you will need to ask her mother!" to which she gave him a thump and started crying.

My wife likes to remind me of the fact that her dad never said yes, I offer to drop her off at their house with her things.

Wellyd

I had this conversation recently with someone who said they'd be insulted if their husband to be asked her dad for his permission to marry her. Honestly I'd be very disappointed in my boyfriend if he didn't ask my dad. Myself and my dad have an extremely good relationship and I'd love to know that he gave the nod for me to get married. I just think it gives fathers a bit of involvement in the engagement because I know in my family my mother would get so worked up and excited about an engagement that my dad probably wouldn't get a word in edge ways for a while!

iDave

Got engaged a few weeks ago. I asked the father beforehand but it was more a formality as I knew he wouldn't say no. The missus appreciated that I did it the traditional way.

lazygal

My husband didn't ask and I wouldn't have liked it. I was a grown woman and didn't need my father's approval to marry.

Wompa1

lazygal wrote: »

My husband didn't ask and I wouldn't have liked it. I was a grown woman and didn't need my father's approval to marry.

You get that it's just a formality...the guy asks for the fathers approval...he still does what he wants even if he doesn't get it.

Frigga_92

My dad wasn't at my wedding, let alone asked permission.
I think if it is something that is important to your fiancee then you should but I'd say it's very rare for anyone to insist on it now.
My sister's husband asked my father's permission but he is from a foreign country so it may be that that is part of the tradition where he is from. It's certainly not a family tradition of ours.

It's up there with putting the ring in a glass of champagne.

Czarcasm

FunLover18 wrote: »

When it comes to marriage proposals, do men still ask the OH's father for permission/their blessing?

They do, I did, and I know of many men that did. Some men will ask both parents together, some men in the absence of the father will ask the mother.

It strikes me as extremely old fashioned. Is it a respect thing , and if so, who exactly is it respectful to? If for someone reason they say no would it make a difference?

Well it's hardly old fashioned if men still do it. It is a respect thing though, and it shows respect for the man you hope to be your future father-in-law. If he'd said no, of course it would've made a difference - the man doesn't want me marrying his daughter, it doesn't get any shìttier than that (personally speaking).

Girls, do you want your OH to ask your dad before you?

Can't answer that one, but it'd be interesting to find out alright, I must ask around and I'll come back to you (if I'm still in one piece after they're insulted by thinking I'm proposing to them ).

Dads, do you care?

I can't answer that one either, but I'm sure as hell not going to start asking men would it matter to them if I didn't ask them for their daughters hand in marriage! I'm rather attached to my family jewels :pac:

Honestly though, if I had a daughter, yes, it would matter to me personally that a man would have enough respect for me that he would ask me first. It's one of those little things that's not a big deal, it's merely a courtesy, and not doing it could set you up for a lifetime of being glared at by your father in law across the breakfast table...

I figure better safe than sorry

Akrasia

I didn't ask my wife's father for permission... Maybe that's why he never offered to pay for the wedding...

Gone Drinking

You'd have to play it by ear I suppose. Depends on the family. Some fathers would really appreciate the gesture of mentioning it to them first. I don't think any would consider it an actual option to refuse, in this day and age.

SEPT 23 1989

Nobody will be good enough for my daughter

dede12

I wouldn't want a guy to ask my father first at all. I think my da would like it because he is rather the old fashioned, strict, & protective type but I'd find it quite disrespectful, as if I was some sort of property who couldn't make up my own mind on it. The way I see it, if I'm agreeing to marry somebody it's between the two of us, not the business of my parents until we tell them. While I don't have problem w/ most wedding traditions like the father walking the bride down the aisle, the asking for permission or blessing just really strikes me a blatantly old fashioned & sexist. After all, I'm not gonna be there asking his mam for permission to marry her son before saying yes!

If parents having input is important to the couple, a much better way to go about it imo would be for the couple to go both of the parents together, announce they'd like to get engaged & ask for their blessing as a couple. That way the parents are appeased because they've been given special consideration yet makes it clear that it is the couples decision & that they don't need parental permission to get married.

Barely There

No - it's a ridiculously old fashioned concept which stems from the notion that the daughter was somehow the property of the father.

Miss Lizzie Jones

FunLover18 wrote: »

When it comes to marriage proposals, do men still ask the OH's father for permission/their blessing?

It strikes me as extremely old fashioned. Is it a respect thing , and if so, who exactly is it respectful to? If for someone reason they say no would it make a difference?

Girls, do you want your OH to ask your dad before you?

Dads, do you care?

This was 31/32 years ago but my ex-husband asked my father for permission to marry me. I felt soooo embarrassed by it.

Wompa1

Barely There wrote: »

No - it's a ridiculously old fashioned concept which stems from the notion that the daughter was somehow the property of the father.

In fairness, marriage is a ridiculously old fashioned concept.....

TwoShedsJackson

I would have needed a ouija board so, no. But had he still been alive I wouldn't have asked first.

I would hate if my oh did that
My relationship is my business not my family's

MRnotlob606

it's not old fashioned, its courtesy.

Wompa1

Deleted User wrote: »

It's up there with putting the ring in a glass of champagne.

Or standing in a building with images of a man being tortured and killed, being ceremoniously anointed as husband and wife by a man who likely has never had sex before...unless it was with a...you know, prostitute! :pac:

Retrovertigo

MRnotlob606 wrote: »

it's not old fashioned, its courtesy.

Did you need to ask the Father before you look for the ride as well?

Being courteous and all that.

Wompa1

Wompa1 wrote: »

Or standing in a building with images of a man being tortured and killed, being ceremoniously anointed as husband and wife by a man who likely has never had sex before...unless it was with a...you know, prostitute! :pac:

Or a child.

Wompa1

Retrovertigo wrote: »

Did you need to ask the Father before you look for the ride as well?

Being courteous and all that.

But....it's not courteous to ask....Ohhhhhh YOU RASCAL!

Barely There

Never cropped up in my case anyway as the OH asked me.

She never asked my Dad's permission first either - very presumptuous these modern-day women.

TwoShedsJackson

Barely There wrote: »

Never cropped up in my case anyway as the OH asked me.

She never asked my Dad's permission first either - very presumptuous these modern-day women.

I certainly hope the date was February 29th otherwise that was very un-gentlemanly of your partner!

Pherekydes

MRnotlob606 wrote: »

it's not old fashioned, its courtesy.

I think it shows an extreme lack of courtesy:

• to the woman herself: she is not her father's property;
• to the woman's mother: does she not matter?

As a father, I would refuse to answer. It's not my place. Though I suspect any man who asks my permission is not worthy of my daughter and is too immature for marriage.

GalwayGirl26

If he wants the road frontage he'd better ask....

foreverandever

I disagree, I think it is just showing respect to your OH father, it's not about asking permission but only if you have a good relationship with your father.

People saying it's treating the woman like property or it's their relationship- that's not what it's about at all and pretty silly if you think that.

I agree with the poster above who said sometimes the wedding is all about the bride and her mother and this can be a way to include father of the groom- hadn't thought of that before

newport2

Wellyd wrote: »

I had this conversation recently with someone who said they'd be insulted if their husband to be asked her dad for his permission to marry her. Honestly I'd be very disappointed in my boyfriend if he didn't ask my dad.

lazygal wrote: »

My husband didn't ask and I wouldn't have liked it. I was a grown woman and didn't need my father's approval to marry.

Herein lies the problem!

Any women I know either love or hate the idea, not much in between. And if you're going to propose, you can't really ask her without spoiling the moment.

After my wife said yes, I went to my father-in-law to be pretending I hadn't asked yet.

newport2

foreverandever wrote: »

I disagree, I think it is just showing respect to your OH father, it's not about asking permission but only if you have a good relationship with your father.

People saying it's treating the woman like property or it's their relationship- that's not what it's about at all and pretty silly if you think that.

I agree with the poster above who said sometimes the wedding is all about the bride and her mother and this can be a way to include father of the groom- hadn't thought of that before

+1

If he said no, what guy is really going to back off and not propose anyway? It's not asking permission, it's just a tradition. There might be a sexist element to it, but no more so than there is to engagement rings and other traditions.

Shenshen

I have to say if my husband had gone and asked my father, I would not have married him.

Not because of that one act, but becasue the act would have communicated to me that he regards me as another man's property that he wishes to acquire. I would not want to marry a man like that.

Luckily, it never came up as I asked him. And no, I never asked his father or mother either. I only met them after we were engaged anyway.

cletus van damme

I would ask her dad's permission. It's a respect thing.
I don't get people getting upset saying it turns the girl into property. It doesn't, it's asking for her fathers blessing.
The blessing of the man who reared her, cared and looked after her.
Some posters seem to think once the father approves it's a done deal. As far as I know (in Ireland) the lady still gets to say aye or nay. So i don't get the' property' jibes

Yeah sure it's a little traditional and some people love to piss on tradition and find some level of insult in it. But there is none here.

Shenshen

cletus van damme wrote: »

I would ask her dad's permission. It's a respect thing.
I don't get people getting upset saying it turns the girl into property. It doesn't, it's asking for her father blessing.
The blessing of the man who reared her, cared and looked after her.
Some posters seem to think once the father approves it's a done deal. As far as I know (in Ireland) the lady still gets to say aye or nay. So i don't get the' property' jibes

Yeah sure it's a little traditional and some people loves to piss on tradition and find some level of insult in it. But there is none here.

Then why not ask the person that matters first?

As someone pointed out, you don't go and ask the father's permission before you hop into bed with her. Yet you do when you decide you want to spend the rest of your life with her?

Sorry, as a female I would find it highly insulting.

kfk

dede12 wrote: »

I wouldn't want a guy to ask my father first at all. I think my da would like it because he is rather the old fashioned, strict, & protective type but I'd find it quite disrespectful, as if I was some sort of property who couldn't make up my own mind on it. The way I see it, if I'm agreeing to marry somebody it's between the two of us, not the business of my parents until we tell them. While I don't have problem w/ most wedding traditions like the father walking the bride down the aisle, the asking for permission or blessing just really strikes me a blatantly old fashioned & sexist. After all, I'm not gonna be there asking his mam for permission to marry her son before saying yes!

If parents having input is important to the couple, a much better way to go about it imo would be for the couple to go both of the parents together, announce they'd like to get engaged & ask for their blessing as a couple. That way the parents are appeased because they've been given special consideration yet makes it clear that it is the couples decision & that they don't need parental permission to get married.

So your husband to be will have to insult either you or your father? He asks your father and insults you or doesnt ask and insults your father! That is a bit selfish on your part IMO. You would be putting the person you love and want to spend the rest of your with in a position where he couldn't win! Nice start!

anncoates

I'm marrying his daughter, not buying a horse from him, so no.

tigger123

It would never even be on my radar to ask the woman's father for his permission.

It presupposes that she's his property, but more importantly it's about the two of you, and nobody else. You shouldn't feel like you have to involve either families. Bring them afterwards to celebrate, absolutely, but not until you're ready.

pickarooney

Wompa1 wrote: »

You get that it's just a formality...the guy asks for the fathers approval...he still does what he wants even if he doesn't get it.

I don't see how there's any respect involved, for anyone, in that scenario.

Carlos Orange

Shenshen wrote: »

Not because of that one act, but becasue the act would have communicated to me that he regards me as another man's property that he wishes to acquire. I would not want to marry a man like that.

Except it would literally have been for one act. If one symbolic act changes a relationship that much then I don't think it can be that solid to begin with.

Gongoozler

Shenshen wrote: »

Sorry, as a female I would find it highly insulting.

This is what I would have thought previously. Every relationship is different, and depending on your wife and her family, it can be a really nice respectful thing to do. Even though most women probably wouldn't like the idea, some would know that their father is traditional in that way, and would appreciate appeasing him. It's not always about you!

And I'd you're getting married your partner should know you well enough to know which is you.

tigger123

cletus van damme wrote: »

I would ask her dad's permission. It's a respect thing.
I don't get people getting upset saying it turns the girl into property. It doesn't, it's asking for her father blessing.
The blessing of the man who reared her, cared and looked after her.
Some posters seem to think once the father approves it's a done deal. As far as I know (in Ireland) the lady still gets to say aye or nay. So i don't get the' property' jibes

Yeah sure it's a little traditional and some people loves to piss on tradition and find some level of insult in it. But there is none here.

You make it sound like you're buying livestock from him.

jester77

Probably get a better dowry by asking.

foreverandever

My understanding of it was that before a woman used live at home until she was married and her father would take care of her, now your husband to be is saying he's going to take care of you and it's for your father to know his daughter will be cared for.

Not anything about property

sunshine and showers

I wouldn't be very impressed if my father was asked for permission, to be honest. My father wouldn't be that impressed either, I don't think. I'd say it'd be really awkward and my dad would make some terrible jokes, then slag the fella til the end of time about it...

Shenshen

psinno wrote: »

Except it would literally have been for one act. If one symbolic act changes a relationship that much then I don't think it can be that solid to begin with.

It would throw a massive doubt on my perception of the other person, simple as that.

And I wouldn't marry someone I've got doubts about.

Shakespeare's Sister

It's a silly tradition IMO - particularly when they're going to get married anyway. And I agree, why not ask her mother too?
It's true also that it's not required to ask him for permission for anything else with her (which could be all sorts ) so why suddenly when marrying her?

That said, even though I think it's pointless, I think saying "I'd say no to him if he did that" is going too far IMO. It's meant as a nice gesture, it's not really viewing her as the tradition originally did (which was pretty chauvinistic).

If a guy would prefer to do it, what about a compromise: say it to (rather than ask) both parents?