Our reaction to dead bodies

I Heart Internet

I've just watched a clip of Albert Reynolds (RIP) laying in state and people filing past his open coffin.

It made me wonder about our (Irish) relative relaxed approach to seeing dead bodies - at funerals for the most part.

Do you think this is a good thing? I do, but can understand people being squeamish about it.

It reminded me of an English friend of mine in his early fifties who once told me that he'd never seen a dead body. I was like, "you're kidding me, what do you do at funerals?" He explained that coffins are hardly ever open in UK funerals - this man was lucky enough to have his two elderly parents still alive, which might explain things further.

comongethappy

Closed coffins at funerals are more common here than elsewhere I thought.

ballsymchugh

i live in england. telling the locals about wakes and watching their reaction is kinda funny. they seem completely horrified at the thought, but then again, funerals here are extremely private. you more or less have to be invited to one. a staggering amount of people have never been to one, even their own grandparents.

I Heart Internet

comongethappy wrote: »

Closed coffins at funerals are more common here than elsewhere I thought.

No, I think the UK is more likely to have closed coffins.

The Backwards Man

'Awww doesn't s/he look well?'

Aye, I suppose, apart from being dead.

Ken Shamrock

In theory i like the idea, however seeing a loved one completely pale and lifeless is a lot more difficult in practice.

I Heart Internet

ballsymchugh wrote: »

i live in england. telling the locals about wakes and watching their reaction is kinda funny. they seem completely horrified at the thought, but then again, funerals here are extremely private. you more or less have to be invited to one. a staggering amount of people have never been to one, even their own grandparents.

Really, their own grandparents.

I remember passing a country town church on a summer's evening once with a (different UK friend). People were spilling out of the church, loads of them. Men in short sleeved shirts, lads in jeans and t-shirts, etc. Everyone chatting away. My UK friend wouldn't believe me when I told her it was a funeral (removal) - couldn't understand why everyone wasn't head to toe in black...

Riskymove

I Heart Internet wrote: »

It made me wonder about our (Irish) relative relaxed approach to seeing dead bodies - at funerals for the most part.

I don't think I have ever seen an open coffin at a funeral

it only really happens if there is a wake or if reposing at a funeral home etc

so it's usually family and close friends only

131spanner

Yeah I think it's a good thing. It's facing us all so there's no point in trying to avoid it.

I Heart Internet

The Backwards Man wrote: »

'Awww doesn't s/he look well?'

Aye, I suppose, apart from being dead.

"She was a beautiful corpse"

Sunnyisland

The Backwards Man wrote: »

'Awww doesn't s/he look well?'

Aye, I suppose, apart from being dead.

Sure dats the best I've seen him/her in ages,it's hard to believe there dead.

Tokyo

comongethappy wrote: »

Closed coffins at funerals are more common here than elsewhere I thought.

Other than a couple of exceptions where the injuries causing death required a closed casket, every funeral I've attended in Ireland has been open casket, and a viewing where pretty much anyone who knew the family came along to pay respects. I would imagine that it's pretty commonplace across the country...

DrumSteve

I seen a couple at funerals for friends and people I knew... it's never nice.

I Heart Internet

Riskymove wrote: »

I don't think I have ever seen an open coffin at a funeral

it only really happens if there is a wake or if reposing at a funeral home etc

so it's usually family and close friends only

I disagree. Pretty much universal (always exceptions of course) in this part of the world (Munster).

LizzieJones

comongethappy wrote: »

Closed coffins at funerals are more common here than elsewhere I thought.

I wish they were here. Been to 4 funerals myself and all of them were open coffins.

Also when a Pope dies, I don't care much for them parading his dead body around as they did on tv when John Paul II died.

The first funeral I ever went to was when I was about 16, a girl I went to school with died of an aneurysm. Went to the removal at her house and it was an open coffin. Just as I was leaving I said to my classmates "they made that doll look very like her, didn't they?". I didn't realise it was actually her, thought it was a doll

Haven't really been to many funerals since, thankfully. I don't like the idea of going to a funeral of someone I barely know (friends grandparents, neighbour etc..). I find it a bit bizarre.

KungPao

I never understood people wanting to "say goodbye" to somebody by looking at their body.

A person to us is all personality, once they die, they are gone already.

I'd never want my last memory of them to be their lifeless body - that looks very different

From experience, I prefer it this way.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

Lia_lia wrote: »

Haven't really been to many funerals since, thankfully. I don't like the idea of going to a funeral of someone I barely know (friends grandparents, neighbour etc..). I find it a bit bizarre.

You don't know your friends, grandparents or neighbours? Strange indeed.

kylith

I was at an open-coffin funeral a couple of years back. I couldn't get over the feeling that the deceased was about to jump out of the coffin to scare everyone.

Being in the presence of a corpse doesn't bother me. They're only dead, like, they can't hurt you. It's the living you have to watch out for.

Menas

I have no problem with an open coffin. I snuck a few mementos in to my dads jacket when he was in his coffin and am glad to have had the chance to do that.

But when I was younger I HATED having to kiss the corpse. Yeuch!

miss no stars

Adeline Red Chessboard wrote: »

You don't know your friends, grandparents or neighbours? Strange indeed.

While an inverted comma was missing, the meaning is all there in the comma.

The Backwards Man

Massive social occasions in Donegal since the decline of the pubs, marts, and bingo. Weddings, funerals and the district court are the only big days out left

I Heart Internet

Trigger Happy wrote: »

I have no problem with an open coffin. I snuck a few mementos in to my dads jacket when he was in his coffin and am glad to have had the chance to do that.

That's nice. I can understand that!

Trigger Happy wrote: »

But when I was younger I HATED having to kiss the corpse. Yeuch!

Yeah, that's something I've never had to do. If it was someone I was very close to (God forbid) then I'd probably think differently, but I avoid it for others.

KungPao

Kiss a corpse?
Good grief! That's something I have never done.

I did instinctively touch the hand of a relation while laid out, the coldness of it is unpleasant. Won't be doing it again.

Buona Fortuna

mike_ie wrote: »

Other than a couple of exceptions where the injuries causing death required a closed casket, every funeral I've attended in Ireland has been open casket, and a viewing where pretty much anyone who knew the family came along to pay respects. I would imagine that it's pretty commonplace across the country...

Yes, except my wife's great aunt who died last year. "I don't want all those feckin eejits gawping at me"

Closed coffin

KungPao

OSI wrote: »

Funerals tend to take a lot longer in the UK to. Not uncommon for 2-3 weeks to pass between the person dying and the funeral happening. Where as it's strange for 3 days to pass here. I'd imagine that at 3 weeks, a corpse isn't really something you should have an open viewing for.

A body looks different once the blood runs cold, imagine after a few weeks...
I was at a funeral in a hot country before, dead and buried inside 24 hours.

darkdubh

Adeline Red Chessboard wrote: »

You don't know your friends, grandparents or neighbours? Strange indeed.

I think the poster meant grandparents of friends,at least that show I read it.

Riskymove

I Heart Internet wrote: »

I disagree. Pretty much universal (always exceptions of course) in this part of the world (Munster).

well, in everyone I've been at (all around Ireland) the casket is closed in the funeral home or house before going to Church

I can't think of any open casket in a church

so I guess the practice differs

Wellyd

I cannot understand the obsession with people sitting around open coffins at wakes. It freaks me out. I always refuse to go into a room if I know the coffin is open. I never want my last memory of a person to be that of them lying dead in a coffin. My boyfriend is extremely religious and he literally loves wakes which I find very strange for someone in their mid 20s. A close relation of his died by suicide a few years ago and he sat with him from the time he was brought back to the house until the funeral mass. I just preferred to remember the person falling out of the chair drunk in our house a few months before his death. It's really a sticking point for us because he always tells me I'm ignorant for not going into a wake room to the open coffin. He thinks it's disrespectful to the bereaved family. But surely people have to understand that not everyone is comfortable with dead bodies.

ballsymchugh

OSI wrote: »

Funerals tend to take a lot longer in the UK to. Not uncommon for 2-3 weeks to pass between the person dying and the funeral happening. Where as it's strange for 3 days to pass here. I'd imagine that at 3 weeks, a corpse isn't really something you should have an open viewing for.

with embalming, the corpse is going to look the same whether dead 2 days or 3 weeks. i wasn't really commenting on the time though, just the complete abhorrence they show regarding me having been to plenty of open coffin wakes, while some of them have never been to a funeral at all.

sbsquarepants

I don't see what the big deal is regarding a seeing a dead body, it's not going to bite you! I just don't get the squeamishness connected to it, for the most part it looks the same as when they where alive.

kylith

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I don't see what the big deal is regarding a seeing a dead body, it's not going to bite you! I just don't get the squeamishness connected to it, for the most part it looks the same as when they where alive.

I think that's what freaks people out. It looks like granny, but is freezing cold.

lertsnim

A funeral where I didn't see the body would be rare. I have no problem with it.

B.A._Baracus

Boy, I tell you. Seeing a recently deceased body is an earth-shattering thing.
My mam sadly died a few years ago and as she laid on the hospital bed I put the back of my fingers to her cheek... you could feel the warmth leave her body
A few minutes later I did it again and her face was cold. Yet again a few minutes later and her face was getting stiff.

Seeing death first hand, especially when it's a loved one is an earth-shattering experience. It's so hard to describe. It's like everything is real ... everything is in prospective. All your stupid problems are trivial.

It's like when you have goosebumps and you can feel the slightest breeze against your arm... If that makes sense.

I Heart Internet

Riskymove wrote: »

well, in everyone I've been at (all around Ireland) the casket is closed in the funeral home or house before going to Church

I can't think of any open casket in a church

so I guess the practice differs

Ah, I see the confusion (on both our parts).

Yes, I agree, the coffin is closed when leaving the funeral parlour or home. You're right, you don't see an open coffin in a church.

miss no stars

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

Boy, I tell you. Seeing a recently deceased body is an earth-shattering thing.
My mam sadly died a few years ago and as she laid on the hospital bed I put the back of my fingers to her cheek... you could feel the warmth leave her body
A few minutes later I did it again and her face was cold. Yet again a few minutes later and her face was getting stiff.

Seeing death first hand, especially when it's a loved one is an earth-shattering experience. It's so hard to describe. It's like everything is real ... everything is in prospective. All your stupid problems are trivial.

It's like when you have goosebumps and you can feel the slightest breeze against your arm... If that makes sense.

Yeah

The body of someone who's literally just died is so different to when someone has already gone cold. Feels like you've just missed them.

sbsquarepants

Lia_lia wrote: »

Haven't really been to many funerals since, thankfully. I don't like the idea of going to a funeral of someone I barely know (friends grandparents, neighbour etc..). I find it a bit bizarre.

I think there is a big urban, rural divide on this one. The culchies here in work, (aka the hearse followers) are forever going to the funeral of their neighbours cousins mother in laws sister or some such bollox. I've missed the funerals of uncles, aunts and cousins - fúck that shít, if you couldn't be arsed to visit them, or barely knew them even (or at all in some cases) when they were alive, it's just ridiculous to feel the need to "pay your respects" once they're dead.

I Heart Internet

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I think there is a big urban, rural divide on this one. The culchies here in work, (aka the hearse followers) are forever going to the funeral of their neighbours cousins mother in laws sister or some such bollox. I've missed the funerals of uncles, aunts and cousins - fúck that shít, if you couldn't be arsed to visit them, or barely knew them even (or at all in some cases) when they were alive, it's just ridiculous to feel the need to "pay your respects" once they're dead.

Some people, in fairness, are going to funerals to support/stand with/shake hands with/show care for one of bereaved people - they may not ever have met the dead person.

Riskymove

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I think there is a big urban, rural divide on this one.

sounds more like a close family/not so close family divide to me

ballsymchugh

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

Boy, I tell you. Seeing a recently deceased body is an earth-shattering thing.
My mam sadly died a few years ago and as she laid on the hospital bed I put the back of my fingers to her cheek... you could feel the warmth leave her body
A few minutes later I did it again and her face was cold. Yet again a few minutes later and her face was getting stiff.

Seeing death first hand, especially when it's a loved one is an earth-shattering experience. It's so hard to describe. It's like everything is real ... everything is in prospective. All your stupid problems are trivial.

It's like when you have goosebumps and you can feel the slightest breeze against your arm... If that makes sense.

i remember that feeling like it was earlier today, holding a pillow under the deceased's chin so that their mouth wouldn't fall open and stay that way as rigor mortis set in. the overdrive you go into is unreal though.

Some Kind of Wizard

I remember refusing to kiss a corpse as a child. Seems like the weirdest thing. On the subject of wakes, has anyone ever heard the word 'wake' used as a verb. e.g. So and so was waked in that room.....meaning that their body was held their during the wake.

Tazio

Family funeral of a grand uncle over 20 years ago in Co Cork.. Rural-ish wake. The deceased man lay in an open casket for two nights if memory serves right in his own living room. Family and neighbours drank and played cards over and with him!! I thought it was the coolest thing ever. They taked about his life over his body in a relaxed intimate setting. The man went out at a party effectively. It seemed so natural and respectful. It was my first experience of a real wake.

The day of his funeral/burial was the sad bit......

I've held the hand of a passing loved relative too in a hospital environment... It changed my perspective on life.. Difficult to put into typed words.. Especially on AH....

I Heart Internet

Some Kind of Wizard wrote: »

I remember refusing to kiss a corpse as a child. Seems like the weirdest thing. On the subject of wakes, has anyone ever heard the word 'wake' used as a verb. e.g. So and so was waked in that room.....meaning that their body was held their during the wake.

Ah yeah, that would be common enough.

"He was being waked.." etc

Magenta

I've seen 3 dead bodies, only because my parents brought me into the room as a child.
I now refuse to enter the room. I prefer to remember people as they were.

Tarzana

Riskymove wrote: »

I don't think I have ever seen an open coffin at a funeral

it only really happens if there is a wake or if reposing at a funeral home etc

Which is nearly every funeral in Ireland. The only closed casket funeral I've been to was where the deceased had died in a road collision.

Kablamo!

The Backwards Man wrote: »

'Awww doesn't s/he look well?'

Aye, I suppose, apart from being dead.

Was sitting watching TV with my mother one night when I heard her sighing.
"I'm just thinking Kablamo!, but god didn't your father make a lovely corpse?"

Think it's a generational/ bogger thing to be honest, I'm not the the habit of scoring bodies out of ten.

sbsquarepants

kylith wrote: »

I think that's what freaks people out. It looks like granny, but is freezing cold.

Grannies are always cold anyway:D

My granny died about 15 years ago, I loved her to bits, she'd been dying for a long time, weeks at least so the urgency kind of gets lost on you. I was out doing whatever and my ma rang me to come to her house cos she was getting close, took me a few hours to get there and by the I arrived she was totally unconscious, she'd been in and out for days. So I sat down beside her and held her hand and she opened her eyes and looked straight at me, and said "I've been waiting for you, to say goodbye!" and then closed her eyes and she was gone.
It is without a doubt the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me. I'm glad I made it in time though, not that I would have known otherwise I suppose, but I'm glad anyway. Seeing her body afterwards didn't disturb me in the slightest though.

Irish Guitarist

After my father died and his body was in the funeral home my family were going up and kissing him. I couldn't bring myself to do it. As far as I was concerned it wasn't him in the coffin. Just being in the same room as the coffin was unsettling to put it mildly.

I just can't approach a lifeless body and pretend to talk to it as if it was the person I once knew. Having a loved one die is bad enough but funerals and Irish tradition in general just makes me feel worse about it.

Tarzana

Riskymove wrote: »

well, in everyone I've been at (all around Ireland) the casket is closed in the funeral home or house before going to Church

I can't think of any open casket in a church

Caskets are closed in the church, but open at the wake/funeral home. Usually. All over Ireland.

FouxDaFaFa

I understand why people would have open caskets.

Occasionally someone dies in such circumstances that you almost need to see the body just to believe they're actually dead, it's so incomprehensible.

But generally, I don't like it. The last funeral I was at was a relative and I don't know how it happened but after being prepared for burial he was unrecognisable. As in, I went into the little room where he was (one of these really big funeral homes with many rooms) and walked back out again because I thought I had the wrong room. It was kind of disturbing.

Tarzana

Tazio wrote: »

Family funeral of a grand uncle over 20 years ago in Co Cork.. Rural-ish wake. The deceased man lay in an open casket for two nights if memory serves right in his own living room. Family and neighbours drank and played cards over and with him!! I thought it was the coolest thing ever. They taked about his life over his body in a relaxed intimate setting. The man went out at a party effectively. It seemed so natural and respectful. It was my first experience of a real wake.

My grandmother died over the only hot weekend of 2012. Temps in the high 20s in the west of Ireland all weekend. She was waked at her house and it was such a great night. So relaxed, people spilling out on to the lawn in front of her house, reminiscing about her. I loved it.