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Our reaction to dead bodies

I Heart Internet

I've just watched a clip of Albert Reynolds (RIP) laying in state and people filing past his open coffin.

It made me wonder about our (Irish) relative relaxed approach to seeing dead bodies - at funerals for the most part.

Do you think this is a good thing? I do, but can understand people being squeamish about it.

It reminded me of an English friend of mine in his early fifties who once told me that he'd never seen a dead body. I was like, "you're kidding me, what do you do at funerals?" He explained that coffins are hardly ever open in UK funerals - this man was lucky enough to have his two elderly parents still alive, which might explain things further.

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kylith

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I don't see what the big deal is regarding a seeing a dead body, it's not going to bite you! I just don't get the squeamishness connected to it, for the most part it looks the same as when they where alive.

I think that's what freaks people out. It looks like granny, but is freezing cold.

lertsnim

A funeral where I didn't see the body would be rare. I have no problem with it.

B.A._Baracus

Boy, I tell you. Seeing a recently deceased body is an earth-shattering thing.
My mam sadly died a few years ago and as she laid on the hospital bed I put the back of my fingers to her cheek... you could feel the warmth leave her body

A few minutes later I did it again and her face was cold. Yet again a few minutes later and her face was getting stiff.

Seeing death first hand, especially when it's a loved one is an earth-shattering experience. It's so hard to describe. It's like everything is real ... everything is in prospective. All your stupid problems are trivial.

It's like when you have goosebumps and you can feel the slightest breeze against your arm... If that makes sense.

I Heart Internet

Riskymove wrote: »

well, in everyone I've been at (all around Ireland) the casket is closed in the funeral home or house before going to Church

I can't think of any open casket in a church

so I guess the practice differs

Ah, I see the confusion (on both our parts).

Yes, I agree, the coffin is closed when leaving the funeral parlour or home. You're right, you don't see an open coffin in a church.

miss no stars

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

Boy, I tell you. Seeing a recently deceased body is an earth-shattering thing.
My mam sadly died a few years ago and as she laid on the hospital bed I put the back of my fingers to her cheek... you could feel the warmth leave her body
A few minutes later I did it again and her face was cold. Yet again a few minutes later and her face was getting stiff.

Seeing death first hand, especially when it's a loved one is an earth-shattering experience. It's so hard to describe. It's like everything is real ... everything is in prospective. All your stupid problems are trivial.

It's like when you have goosebumps and you can feel the slightest breeze against your arm... If that makes sense.

Yeah

The body of someone who's literally just died is so different to when someone has already gone cold. Feels like you've just missed them.

sbsquarepants

Lia_lia wrote: »

Haven't really been to many funerals since, thankfully. I don't like the idea of going to a funeral of someone I barely know (friends grandparents, neighbour etc..). I find it a bit bizarre.

I think there is a big urban, rural divide on this one. The culchies here in work, (aka the hearse followers) are forever going to the funeral of their neighbours cousins mother in laws sister or some such bollox. I've missed the funerals of uncles, aunts and cousins - fúck that shít, if you couldn't be arsed to visit them, or barely knew them even (or at all in some cases) when they were alive, it's just ridiculous to feel the need to "pay your respects" once they're dead.

I Heart Internet

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I think there is a big urban, rural divide on this one. The culchies here in work, (aka the hearse followers) are forever going to the funeral of their neighbours cousins mother in laws sister or some such bollox. I've missed the funerals of uncles, aunts and cousins - fúck that shít, if you couldn't be arsed to visit them, or barely knew them even (or at all in some cases) when they were alive, it's just ridiculous to feel the need to "pay your respects" once they're dead.

Some people, in fairness, are going to funerals to support/stand with/shake hands with/show care for one of bereaved people - they may not ever have met the dead person.

Riskymove

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I think there is a big urban, rural divide on this one.

sounds more like a close family/not so close family divide to me

ballsymchugh

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

Boy, I tell you. Seeing a recently deceased body is an earth-shattering thing.
My mam sadly died a few years ago and as she laid on the hospital bed I put the back of my fingers to her cheek... you could feel the warmth leave her body
A few minutes later I did it again and her face was cold. Yet again a few minutes later and her face was getting stiff.

Seeing death first hand, especially when it's a loved one is an earth-shattering experience. It's so hard to describe. It's like everything is real ... everything is in prospective. All your stupid problems are trivial.

It's like when you have goosebumps and you can feel the slightest breeze against your arm... If that makes sense.

i remember that feeling like it was earlier today, holding a pillow under the deceased's chin so that their mouth wouldn't fall open and stay that way as rigor mortis set in. the overdrive you go into is unreal though.

Some Kind of Wizard

I remember refusing to kiss a corpse as a child. Seems like the weirdest thing. On the subject of wakes, has anyone ever heard the word 'wake' used as a verb. e.g. So and so was waked in that room.....meaning that their body was held their during the wake.

Tazio

Family funeral of a grand uncle over 20 years ago in Co Cork.. Rural-ish wake. The deceased man lay in an open casket for two nights if memory serves right in his own living room. Family and neighbours drank and played cards over and with him!! I thought it was the coolest thing ever. They taked about his life over his body in a relaxed intimate setting. The man went out at a party effectively. It seemed so natural and respectful. It was my first experience of a real wake.

The day of his funeral/burial was the sad bit......

I've held the hand of a passing loved relative too in a hospital environment... It changed my perspective on life.. Difficult to put into typed words.. Especially on AH....

I Heart Internet

Some Kind of Wizard wrote: »

I remember refusing to kiss a corpse as a child. Seems like the weirdest thing. On the subject of wakes, has anyone ever heard the word 'wake' used as a verb. e.g. So and so was waked in that room.....meaning that their body was held their during the wake.

Ah yeah, that would be common enough.

"He was being waked.." etc

Magenta

I've seen 3 dead bodies, only because my parents brought me into the room as a child.
I now refuse to enter the room. I prefer to remember people as they were.

Tarzana

Riskymove wrote: »

I don't think I have ever seen an open coffin at a funeral

it only really happens if there is a wake or if reposing at a funeral home etc

Which is nearly every funeral in Ireland. The only closed casket funeral I've been to was where the deceased had died in a road collision.

Kablamo!

The Backwards Man wrote: »

'Awww doesn't s/he look well?'

Aye, I suppose, apart from being dead.

Was sitting watching TV with my mother one night when I heard her sighing.
"I'm just thinking Kablamo!, but god didn't your father make a lovely corpse?"

Think it's a generational/ bogger thing to be honest, I'm not the the habit of scoring bodies out of ten.

sbsquarepants

kylith wrote: »

I think that's what freaks people out. It looks like granny, but is freezing cold.

Grannies are always cold anyway:D

My granny died about 15 years ago, I loved her to bits, she'd been dying for a long time, weeks at least so the urgency kind of gets lost on you. I was out doing whatever and my ma rang me to come to her house cos she was getting close, took me a few hours to get there and by the I arrived she was totally unconscious, she'd been in and out for days. So I sat down beside her and held her hand and she opened her eyes and looked straight at me, and said "I've been waiting for you, to say goodbye!" and then closed her eyes and she was gone.
It is without a doubt the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me. I'm glad I made it in time though, not that I would have known otherwise I suppose, but I'm glad anyway. Seeing her body afterwards didn't disturb me in the slightest though.

Irish Guitarist

After my father died and his body was in the funeral home my family were going up and kissing him. I couldn't bring myself to do it. As far as I was concerned it wasn't him in the coffin. Just being in the same room as the coffin was unsettling to put it mildly.

I just can't approach a lifeless body and pretend to talk to it as if it was the person I once knew. Having a loved one die is bad enough but funerals and Irish tradition in general just makes me feel worse about it.

Tarzana

Riskymove wrote: »

well, in everyone I've been at (all around Ireland) the casket is closed in the funeral home or house before going to Church

I can't think of any open casket in a church

Caskets are closed in the church, but open at the wake/funeral home. Usually. All over Ireland.

FouxDaFaFa

I understand why people would have open caskets.

Occasionally someone dies in such circumstances that you almost need to see the body just to believe they're actually dead, it's so incomprehensible.

But generally, I don't like it. The last funeral I was at was a relative and I don't know how it happened but after being prepared for burial he was unrecognisable. As in, I went into the little room where he was (one of these really big funeral homes with many rooms) and walked back out again because I thought I had the wrong room. It was kind of disturbing.

Tarzana

Tazio wrote: »

Family funeral of a grand uncle over 20 years ago in Co Cork.. Rural-ish wake. The deceased man lay in an open casket for two nights if memory serves right in his own living room. Family and neighbours drank and played cards over and with him!! I thought it was the coolest thing ever. They taked about his life over his body in a relaxed intimate setting. The man went out at a party effectively. It seemed so natural and respectful. It was my first experience of a real wake.

My grandmother died over the only hot weekend of 2012. Temps in the high 20s in the west of Ireland all weekend. She was waked at her house and it was such a great night. So relaxed, people spilling out on to the lawn in front of her house, reminiscing about her. I loved it.

nelly17

My dad died suddenly when I was 16 - he was cutting the grass I found him lying on the patio and I called the ambulance, the rest is a bit blurry but I'm glad I got to see him again in an open coffen because it would kill me if the last time I seen him was lying on the patio with an inhaler in his hand. So yes its a good thing

brummytom

When my uncle died a few months ago, his body stayed in the living room from around midday until the night, with his youngest son sat next to him watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! I actually thought it was quite nice, but I'd say the English attitude is far more reserved/uptight.

I've never known a funeral in this country with an open coffin at all.

Strong Life in Dublin

I've been to a few wakes in funeral homes, I just can't look at someone just lying there knowing that they are gone forever and are now going to be worm food.

RobertKK

I have seen a lot of dead bodies laid out in coffins. It doesn't bother me, death is a part of life and might as well accept that rather than ignore the reality.
They are dead because they lived, and it is just the next stage, some believe in an afterlife, others don't. Maybe this affects how one sees a dead body, I don't know.

I was made kiss a dead person by a grand aunt when I was around 4 years old, I haven't forgotten, they weren't even a blood relation and I didn't really know the person.

gandalf

I think personally that it is nice to say goodbye to someone you know this way. Providing they didn't die from any major trauma.

My father had a closed coffin because he had a stroke and survived for nearly six months bedridden in hospital before he passed away, by the end he was basically skin and bones. People wouldn't have recognised the larger than life man that they knew. We put a picture of him on the coffin for them and us to remember. I saw him a couple of minutes after he passed away, he looked extremely peaceful and in a way that comforted me a bit as he went through an awful lot of pain in the last six months of his life.

I Heart Internet

I've never been to a traditional wake or (thankfully) been with someone as they died and afterwards. I'm told by people who have, that it's all quite natural and that it makes sense to take care of the person and sit on the bed, brush their hair, etc, up to a point. I'm told that it gradually becomes obvious that they are "really gone" and the more formal goodbyes can begin.

Thanks for sharing all your stories everybody. Started this thread on a whim, focussing on the practicalities, but I appreciate you all sharing your lovely stories of taking care of those you love.

You're good people AH.

YFlyer

Jimmy Savile's reaction was strange.

I Heart Internet

^dislike

YFlyer

^agree

Menas

The victorians took things a bit further.

There was a thing for a while where you could get a portrait taken with the corpse of your loved one.
This is VERY creepy.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2450832/Victorian-photographs-relatives-posing-alongside-dead-bodies.html