Inviting (horrible !) mother in law for christmas !

Big Bag of Chips

He's only dead a few weeks. She was always alright before his illness and only got bad when he got bad.

I think you need to be a bit more patient with her. Yes, you had your own stuff going on, but she had her stuff too, which made her behave selfishly. Could have been out of fear of what was coming, could have been denial, self-preservation. Could be a combination of all of those.

I know Christmas is a special time for you, just you and your family etc. But, there will be many more Christmases where it will be just you and your family. And down the line, you Christmas tradition will change as children leave home, or have their own family etc.

Try to put yourself in your mil's shoes. If in 30-40 years time, you found yourself dealing with your partner dying, you might behave out of character for a while etc, but hope people would understand at least some of how you are feeling. And then your child's partner, the only child you have near you, with your only grandchildren decided on the year you were bereaved, because of things you did during the horrible time, that they'd prefer for you to not be in their house at Christmas, because they like their tradition of "just family".

Life is complicated. Really, really complicated. And while we can sit at our keyboards and tell you to "cut toxic people from your life" etc, the reality is often not so easy. Life, and in particular family relationships, can rarely be boxed up and compartmentalised neatly. We often have to bite out tongue and keep the peace, for the greater good. And I think that is what you are going to have to do here.

If she is a guest in your house, you don't have to take any abuse/nastiness from her. Come up with a few select replies to her barbs, and don't be bullied into changing what you do in your own house. But try balance it with sensitivity at what she has gone through for the last couple of years, and the new leg of what she is going through now.

I don't envy you. But, you will not be the only person in the country playing host to someone they'd really rather not! As someone else mentioned above, if its agreed she will come, then work with that, and make the best of an awkward situation.

Glitzgirl

Think I may have to invite you Calhoun for back up

Glitzgirl

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

He's only dead a few weeks. She was always alright before his illness and only got bad when he got bad.

I think you need to be a bit more patient with her. Yes, you had your own stuff going on, but she had her stuff too, which made her behave selfishly. Could have been out of fear of what was coming, could have been denial, self-preservation. Could be a combination of all of those.

I know Christmas is a special time for you, just you and your family etc. But, there will be many more Christmases where it will be just you and your family. And down the line, you Christmas tradition will change as children leave home, or have their own family etc.

Try to put yourself in your mil's shoes. If in 30-40 years time, you found yourself dealing with your partner dying, you might behave out of character for a while etc, but hope people would understand at least some of how you are feeling. And then your child's partner, the only child you have near you, with your only grandchildren decided on the year you were bereaved, because of things you did during the horrible time, that they'd prefer for you to not be in their house at Christmas, because they like their tradition of "just family".

Life is complicated. Really, really complicated. And while we can sit at our keyboards and tell you to "cut toxic people from your life" etc, the reality is often not so easy. Life, and in particular family relationships, can rarely be boxed up and compartmentalised neatly. We often have to bite out tongue and keep the peace, for the greater good. And I think that is what you are going to have to do here.

If she is a guest in your house, you don't have to take any abuse/nastiness from her. Come up with a few select replies to her barbs, and don't be bullied into changing what you do in your own house. But try balance it with sensitivity at what she has gone through for the last couple of years, and the new leg of what she is going through now.

I don't envy you. But, you will not be the only person in the country playing host to someone they'd really rather not! As someone else mentioned above, if its agreed she will come, then work with that, and make the best of an awkward situation.

I understand from the outside it looks as though she was in shock denial etc but I really don't have the energy to go through all the horrible nasty things she did. I mean at the end of the day what kind of wife locks her ill husband in the house alone and tells no one so she can go to work ? And no they are not financially dependent on her working. Her husband and his illness were an inconvenience for her lifestyle and that's all it was. I have tried to be patient as has my partner and I think holding our tongues for over 3 years only to be repeatedly insulted by her is enough for anybody to put up with

El Horseboxo

I don't really see eye to eye with my mother in law. Granted she's not my mother in law too long. Think she feels I've took her little girl away from her. Hopefully when her grandchild is born which is just before Christina please God things might ease up a bit. I'm sure she'll be around for Christmas then. For now I just stuck it up and don't let her see she bothers me.

Glitzgirl

El Horseboxo wrote: »

I don't really see eye to eye with my mother in law. Granted she's not my mother in law too long. Think she feels I've took her little girl away from her. Hopefully when her grandchild is born which is just before Christina please God things might ease up a bit. I'm sure she'll be around for Christmas then. For now I just stuck it up and don't let her see she bothers me.

Congrats and best of luck for the future! Christmas will be very exciting for you all and I hope it brings you all closer- my only advice make boundaries clear from outset as sometimes with the best meaning in the world MIL can try take over after the birth of a baby

CaraMay

Glitzgirl wrote: »

I understand from the outside it looks as though she was in shock denial etc but I really don't have the energy to go through all the horrible nasty things she did. I mean at the end of the day what kind of wife locks her ill husband in the house alone and tells no one so she can go to work ? And no they are not financially dependent on her working. Her husband and his illness were an inconvenience for her lifestyle and that's all it was. I have tried to be patient as has my partner and I think holding our tongues for over 3 years only to be repeatedly insulted by her is enough for anybody to put up with

But it was his father so you should be taking your lead from him. It's not ok that she insulted you but I don't see why you are more annoyed about her locking away her husband than your partner is.

It's time for you to take a step back and let him interact with his mother any way he wants. If he wants to take her insults then so be it but I'm not saying you have to. It's his parents we are talking about after all so he should be able to deal with them as he wishes

cazzer22

Glitzgirl wrote: »

Really hoping for some help on this issue, background is as follows,

My mother in law (who I had no problems prior to this) is spending her first year alone. Her husband has recently passed from a long battle with cancer (2011) during which time I cared for him even having to move him in to live with myself and my family. During those time she was repeatedly insulting and rude to myself and most involved , as I believe she was hoping to live with her other son who works abroad. However he has since made it clear he has no intention of doing this. Now that she realises she has burned most of her bridges I caught her trying to make my partner feel bad (as he is the only son who lives in the country and has children ie her grandchildren.) I really can't stress how vile this woman has been to me and I am wondering if anyone else in a similar situation has stuck to their guns and not allowed their MIL to stay or visit Christmas Day ? ( I like to and always have celebrated Christmas Day with my partner and kids no visitors etc) I don't want her to ruin our christmas!

Hi Glitzgirl. This has been an ongoing issue in my family for the last seven years. It's my grandmother though and I know how my pressure you must feel to invite her for Christmas. In my family, it's on a rotation basis that my dad invites her one year, then my uncle. It's a difficult thing to have to put up with. I know how challenging my grandmother can be and my mum (would be her mother in law-same as you) experiences very similar difficulties.
Invite her, but be firm on when she can arrive and when you'd like her to go. If we didn't my granny would've stayed long after the New Year. Get her involved in the Christmas dinner preparation etc so that if she's kept busy she hopefully won't have the time to make rude remarks.
Also, you're inviting her into YOUR home so therefore, she fits into your plan and how you celebrate Christmas. My granny would often try to change our traditions because they weren't what she normally did, totally not on. Stick to your guns and I'm sure you'll have a lovely Christmas.
Will be thinking of you, best of luck OP x

Glitzgirl

cazzer22 wrote: »

Hi Glitzgirl. This has been an ongoing issue in my family for the last seven years. It's my grandmother though and I know how my pressure you must feel to invite her for Christmas. In my family, it's on a rotation basis that my dad invites her one year, then my uncle. It's a difficult thing to have to put up with. I know how challenging my grandmother can be and my mum (would be her mother in law-same as you) experiences very similar difficulties.
Invite her, but be firm on when she can arrive and when you'd like her to go. If we didn't my granny would've stayed long after the New Year. Get her involved in the Christmas dinner preparation etc so that if she's kept busy she hopefully won't have the time to make rude remarks.
Also, you're inviting her into YOUR home so therefore, she fits into your plan and how you celebrate Christmas. My granny would often try to change our traditions because they weren't what she normally did, totally not on. Stick to your guns and I'm sure you'll have a lovely Christmas.
Will be thinking of you, best of luck OP x

Thank you for your reply! That would be the ideal solution but unfortunately she has burned her bridges with almost every one she knows so i may find it hard to get volunteers I have a horrible gut feeling we may just bite the bullet and do it and try get her to abide by them glad to hear it has worked out for u x

Glitzgirl

CaraMay wrote: »

But it was his father so you should be taking your lead from him. It's not ok that she insulted you but I don't see why you are more annoyed about her locking away her husband than your partner is.

CaraMay I never said I was more annoyed than my partner. I stared that he has on more than one occasion tried to speak to her about it and it resulted in her going off crying to the father who in turn asked my partner to leave the mother be. It is very hard to try care for a person who you love and are close with and to see them being so horribly treated and neglected by their own wife while everyone else does anything they can for him. She could insult me all she liked that I could forgive but to have to watch a person close to me and my partner deteriate because she wasn't bothered with him was very hard on him and us

Dutchess

Hi Glitzgirl,

I'll tell you a bit of my story in the hope that it will help you at the risk that people might think of me as a cold merciless monster.

My problem is not with an in-law but with my own mother. I am 28. A lot of things about the way I was raised were weird. But the real problems started when we realised she has an alcohol problem. There was all the lying and hiding and fights that comes with this. I know she is sick (in many more ways than one) and I knew she had a rotten childhood herself. But years of being guilted, accused of being a liar while being lied to and ruining the atmosphere take their toll.

And I think one of my biggest issues always was her sense of entitlement. That her position as my mother entitled her to lecture me and boss me around despite how little of a mother she actually was. She also completely took my dad for granted as he is kind hearted (too much so).

A few years ago I went home to the Netherlands for Christmas. It had been planned a bit in advance. I wasn't bringing my husband and my sister didn't have a boyfriend at the time so it would just be the 4 of us. Just the way mammy liked it. That didn't stop her from, a few weeks beforehand, doing some truly awful things. And I had enough. I refused to let my few days at home at Christmas be ruined by that.

So I told my father that if I was to be in the house for Christmas, she wouldn't be. So my mother spent Christmas at her sister's. My dad and sis were fine with it but I got some pretty serious accusations from my aunt and uncle, "inhumane"..."how dare you".... All very easy to say when you haven't been through what we went through.

I believe in cutting some slack and second chances but I also believe that you don't owe anyone an infinite amount of chances and never ending forgiveness and kindness because they are related to you. Because there are people in the world (my mother and from what I read, you mother in law) who will abuse their positions as family members and take the people around them for granted.

The person you describe sounds like when everything is working out for them, they are perfectly tolerable. But once difficulty hits, they hide from responsibility and lash out to those who don't. Potentially out of a sense of guilt. You doing the right thing was probably very confrontational.

If your mother in law has to spend Christmas alone, maybe it will teach her that taking people for granted and treating them poorly is not going to do her any good.

Tolerating a toxic person in your life too much will do you or your family no good in the future. You're in the situation of being the last resort but you owe nothing.

Glitzgirl

Dutchess wrote: »

Hi Glitzgirl,

I'll tell you a bit of my story in the hope that it will help you at the risk that people might think of me as a cold merciless monster. .

Hi Dutchess thank you so much for sharing your story and you shouldn't fear about other people judging your actions, as you were in an impossible situation and sound like you had made the best effort you could. I think you summed it up fantastically when you said how people are not entitled to an infinite number of chances. That is so very true

Glitzgirl

Update**

Have since found out at the funeral mass the MIL told my 6 year old who was sat beside her that she would be lonely as she lived alone now , and of course my 6 year old said that's ok nana you can live with us, to which she said do you think your mammy will be cross ? Does mammy say mean things about nana? !

When I was told this I nearly died! She was told in no uncertain terms by her other son (the one she had hoped to live with following the funeral) that that was not an option and now fearing the consequences of her actions has begun to emotionally reach out to my 6 year and my partner!

Now I was unaware of this at the time and I may have genuinely felt for her (despite how horrible she has been) but at the time I was too busy being shocked and unbelievable hurt that at both the funeral and the removal mass every person who helped my FIL and his family and my children were mentioned by name, and not only was I not even mentioned by name as a family member or even friend of my FIL , the priest then proceeded to say how she had cared for my FIL day in and day out! To add insult to injury she contacted me recently (after several people approached her and said how that was cruel what she had done) and very publicly blamed the poor priest for forgetting me and mixing up the information she had given him ! Yeah right, so to hear she had the nerve to do that then ask my son if I was giving out about her (to see if living with us was a realistic option ) the woman has some neck! Needless to say I am not worrying about Christmas anymore and I made my position very clear to my partner she would not set foot in my house!

Dutchess

Good for you. That is absolutely horrid and taking a stand is the right thing.

Glitzgirl

Dutchess wrote: »

Good for you. That is absolutely horrid and taking a stand is the right thing.

Even my partner was floored when he realised how nasty she could be at the funeral of all places! Course that was when she was of the opinion she was going to be living with the other son so I suppose at the time she thought she could afford to be as mean as she wanted. Ah well always comes back around I say! And Dutchess how have you been since? Was that last Christmas ? Is your mam still in contact and do you regret your decision?

Dutchess

Actions have consequences. She took you for granted and treated you as her second choice and when you became her only choice she went through your child. Inexcusable in my opinion and a typical case of abusing her position.

As for me, I am not great or anything but that has more to do with life as a whole than that one Christmas. My parents have just gotten divorced now as my dad had enough as well. We still have some contact.

She wants to come over here but I have always said it is the one thing I will not have happen as I know that if she gets drunk and any of the things that come with that I won't want to be near her and in that case she'd be on the street as it's a different country where she knows nobody else.

I have never regretted the decision that Christmas (a few years ago now) since. I wanted to have a nice time with my family, peaceful and without discussions and arguments and that's what that choice got me. And I think for my dad and sis it was a load off as well, but they could never bring themselves to make that kind of decision.

tinkerbell

OP, if it were me, I couldn't forgive how she treated your FIL. You wouldn't treat an animal like that, nevermind your own husband. There is NO excuse for her abandoning your FIL like that. If your husband wants to see her, fine. But at the end of the day, you're not married to her, you're married to your husband and if you don't want her in your house then your husband should respect that. Tbh, it sounds like your husband would respect that because it's his own father who was treated so cruelly - I doubt he can easily forgive that. She sounds like a right manipulative b1tch and what she has done was just unforgiveable. It's not a minor discretion, it's a pretty big deal. And I most certainly would have no issue with not inviting her over for Christmas after how she has treated you and your family.

Santa Cruz

You should give it one more go with her this Christmas. If she can't behave herself then she's on her own from then on. If her son has an issue with that then he can go and stay with her for Christmas.

December2012

Him, I see a lot of talk about you, and her, but little about your husband.

For this year, I think you should be going along with what he wants. If it happens to be the same as you, then great. If not, then go along with him. He is the one who has lost his father.

amdublin

Santa Cruz wrote: »

You should give it one more go with her this Christmas. If she can't behave herself then she's on her own from then on. If her son has an issue with that then he can go and stay with her for Christmas.

^^^

I think this.

Glitzgirl - this is a different scenario from Duchess. This has not been going on for your whole life etc.

Frankly, and I mean frankly, you seem to be almost looking for "more bad stuff" she has done. How did you just find out about the funeral over the last two days?

Live and let. There are some incredibly toxic people who will never change who you simply have to cut out of your life. There are others who have done bad things, who need to be "managed" to an extent but ultimately who have not been "toxic" enough to simply cut out on a whim.

If this makes sense??

Aimeee

Awful situation really, I kind of have pity for her in a way. What happened to make her such a bitter selfish person?
I'd be inclined to give her this Christmas due to the year it's been. Have your ground rules though and a fixed time limit. Your partner has to be onside too.
Best of luck whatever you decide, a lot of things can happen between now and Christmas so try not to stress too much about it at this stage. (Easier said than done I know).

Calhoun

I would agree to an extent that op you are looking for an excuse but then again bringing your kid into it is a really low and manipulative tactic.

What does your husband think ? We have heard allot about what you think but how does he feel.

Glitzgirl

Calhoun wrote: »

I would agree to an extent that op you are looking for an excuse but then again bringing your kid into it is a really low and manipulative tactic.

What does your husband think ? We have heard allot about what you think but how does he feel.

Anything I have said or shared here has been discussed with my partner and we are both of the same opinion, the only place we differ would be he obviously feels guilty it is his mother at the end of the day and would be more inclined to feel obliged to let her become a bigger part of our family life. You can take it anytime I say "I" here I speak for both of us and as mentioned before he has tried to discuss this with her in the past to no avail at all.

In regards to looking for an excuse absaloutely not - for the first year of his illness I defended her actions telling myself and other people she was in shock /denial etc until I realised myself and seen for myself how horrid she was acting. I expected her to be in some form of denial as most would that's why for that first year most of my FIL family were very helpful and supportive to both her and him, realistically until she slowly burnt bridges with all involved. My partner knows and has seen this for himself the only difference is she is his mother so he may ultimately feel obliged to overlook the past and feel responsible for her

Glitzgirl

Aimeee wrote: »

Awful situation really, I kind of have pity for her in a way. What happened to make her such a bitter selfish person?
I'd be inclined to give her this Christmas due to the year it's been. Have your ground rules though and a fixed time limit. Your partner has to be onside too.
Best of luck whatever you decide, a lot of things can happen between now and Christmas so try not to stress too much about it at this stage. (Easier said than done I know).

Thank you Aimee and honestly after being informed what was said at the funeral I'd say my biggest worry is whether she was serious or not !

Glitzgirl

amdublin wrote: »

^^^

I think this.

Glitzgirl - this is a different scenario from Duchess. This has not been going on for your whole life etc.

Frankly, and I mean frankly, you seem to be almost looking for "more bad stuff" she has done. How did you just find out about the funeral over the last two days?

Live and let. There are some incredibly toxic people who will never change who you simply have to cut out of your life. There are others who have done bad things, who need to be "managed" to an extent but ultimately who have not been "toxic" enough to simply cut out on a whim.

If this makes sense??

As I said before funeral was only recent and at the time my MIL was sat at the far end of the bench from me with my son and partner between. My partner had the good sense not to tell me what was said right at that moment and time as it was not an appropriate place to discuss it, and to be honest I was so badly hurt after the funeral I left with the rest of my FIL family and didn't attend the meal / afters. I heard about it later when my son told me (partner explained what had happened )

Glitzgirl

Santa Cruz wrote: »

You should give it one more go with her this Christmas. If she can't behave herself then she's on her own from then on. If her son has an issue with that then he can go and stay with her for Christmas.

Hi Santa Cruz I have thought about this even before now and to be honest I wouldn't class myself a bad person but I just find that every time I have bit my tongue and not challenged her or my partner has challenged her and nothing changed, it gets harder to look at her. Genuinely I see her sometimes and all I think about is his cruel she was to her husband, even making off the cuff remarks in front him! I just see him break down in tears after her hurtful comments to him and I really can't hold a civil conversation with her. How can you honestly say you could have someone like that sat opposite you at the dinner table in your own home willingly ?

Glitzgirl

I think it's important to say that I realize how easy it is to sound bitter or b1tchy especially when you have had a bad experience with someone, and my feelings aren't from resentment because I had to care for my FIL. I loved him dearly. I spent as much time with him as I could even before he got ill, and I will never regret caring for him. The things I say about my MIL here are to try be as honest as possible regarding the situation I am now facing, they may sound harsh and cruel and the fact is they were - towards my FIL and myself and my family. It killed me to see him treated so badly by the woman he adored and loved so dearly.

I have tried with her, and when that failed I bit my tongue (we all did) to keep the peace. Both my partner and I would hate to see anyone stuck but we both feel she was so wrong to do what she did and are having difficulty coming to terms with it and the lack of acknowledgement of how much our family was put on hold and sacrificed to care for her husband because she was not bothered to do it. But as it is his mother I know my partner will probably do the right thing by her, and my dilemma is when is it enough ? Can I really tolerate having this woman in my home or am I forced to be miserable to keep my MIL happy and my relationship ok by allowing her to be in our lives?

washiskin

How about this for a compromise?

After all the excitement of Christmas Morning, your partner & kids head over to her for a couple of hours, maybe for breakfast, while you get on with whatever you need to do; this means she will see her son & grandchildren and you will not have to put up with her and may enjoy that little window to yourself in between the bedlam .

This was sometimes the way in ours as my mum & her mil did NOT see eye to eye EVER as she (my nan) never thought my mum was good enough for her son (she thought this of all her daughters in law btw). Other years we all visited but it really depended on how nan behaved during the year.

Whispered

You're in a tough situation Glitz.

A person in my husbands life (not either of his parents thankfully) is a very destructive influence. Lying, stealing, gambling, needing to borrow money etc but every time this person needs something I encourage my husband to be there for them. The only reason I do this is because after a few shock deaths in my own family, I try to live with the idea in mind that life is short. If this person was to drop dead tomorrow, I'd like my husband to have the peace that comes with knowing he did the absolute most he could do and is in no way accountable. He recently said that enough is enough and again, I'm supporting him in that decision, but in no way did I try to influence it.

Now in saying that, at the moment I do not have a child to think about as you do. I do have one on the way and I have mixed feelings about allowing this person be a part of the childs life. So your situation has some dimensions I can't yet understand.

So in short - I don't know what you should do, but I don't envy you.

professore

Glitzgirl wrote: »

He had initially banned her from the house but at the end of the day it is his mother and she has no one (because of her own actions) he has even said he feels it would ruin our Christmas as to be honest neither of us can look at her or be in the room with her without feeling very resentful and hurt never mind trying to force pleasantries over the Christmas table. This woman got all the support and help she could ever need for the first year of his illness and her own horrible neglectful actions meant she soon lost everyone's respect and help after that anything that was done was not for her benefit but for my FIL's. the man had to be removed from his home and live with us because she was flat out ignoring his basic needs (feeding, company etc). She in my opinion made her bed however my OH may give in as he feels obliged. She never allowed his illness to affect her life I mean the woman frequently went on holidays abroad and made no arrangements for care or even tell anyone she was going! We would often find him in the house by himself (before he was removed obviously) how could you have someone like that sit at your table at Christmas!

Leave her to her misery. She is clearly a horrible selfish person.

professore

We get on reasonably well with our in laws but Christmas day is strictly for family and we then do Stephens day with the mother in law, or sometimes new years eve. No problem at all.