Inviting (horrible !) mother in law for christmas !

Glitzgirl

Really hoping for some help on this issue, background is as follows,

My mother in law (who I had no problems prior to this) is spending her first year alone. Her husband has recently passed from a long battle with cancer (2011) during which time I cared for him even having to move him in to live with myself and my family. During those time she was repeatedly insulting and rude to myself and most involved , as I believe she was hoping to live with her other son who works abroad. However he has since made it clear he has no intention of doing this. Now that she realises she has burned most of her bridges I caught her trying to make my partner feel bad (as he is the only son who lives in the country and has children ie her grandchildren.) I really can't stress how vile this woman has been to me and I am wondering if anyone else in a similar situation has stuck to their guns and not allowed their MIL to stay or visit Christmas Day ? ( I like to and always have celebrated Christmas Day with my partner and kids no visitors etc) I don't want her to ruin our christmas!

amdublin

Live and let live.

Sounds like your mil was going through a pretty stressful time with losing her husband. Cut her a bit of slack.

Christmas for me is a time of peace and goodwill, if it was me I'd invite her - I'd get her involved in preparations, ask her to help on the day etc.

Good luck and happy Christmas.

P's. You may get better advice in personal issues forum.

Posy

OP, if you don't get many responses here, and would like this moved to P.I, just let me or D4RK ONION know.

Akrasia

My grandmother on my fathers side lost her husband to cancer when my father was 17. My mother and father were already in a relationship and got married a few years later. My mother still talks about how horrible it was to be around my grandmother for a few years. She took the loss very hard and took to drink for a while.

It took a few years but she came through it, and these days, my grandmother is the nicest, warmest woman you could ever hope to meet and she has an excellent relationship with her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren.

Everyone's circumstances are different. It's nice to have a pleasant peaceful christmas, but not at any cost. Christmas for me is all about family and friends being together and keeping relationships strong. We have had some difficult christmases down through the years, when people have been sick, or after a family tragedy, but staying together and not withdrawing has kept us close in the long term

looksee

OP, This is a forum for 'year round' Christmas - but it is still a long way to Christmas. Put it out of your mind for the moment, re-visit it in November. Don't think about it or worry about it. A lot of things can have changed by Christmas, just wait and see what happens, but in the meantime, enjoy the summer, life is short enough without jumping 6 months at a time.

Glitzgirl

I appreciate the replies here. The reason he entered my mind is as I said she believed she could go stay with her other son who lives abroad and since that idea has been dismissed she has began already approaching my partner , ie her son about the issue already. Normally I would put her behaviour down to stress in s situation like this but this was certainly not the case. As mentioned by a previous poster all circumstances are different. Posy can you please move this to P.I my apologies if that's where it was meant to be originally. Thanks

Glitzgirl

looksee wrote: »

OP, This is a forum for 'year round' Christmas - but it is still a long way to Christmas. Put it out of your mind for the moment, re-visit it in November. Don't think about it or worry about it. A lot of things can have changed by Christmas, just wait and see what happens, but in the meantime, enjoy the summer, life is short enough without jumping 6 months at a time.

Going off topic slightly but I adore Christmas and start my planning/shopping in January every year. It's a time of friends family and traditions and I love it besides in less than 3 months the shops will be in full swing with their Christmas stock so there is always time to think of Christmas in my opinion

Tombo2001

Did your mother in law just walk into the room there Glitzgirl?

Glitzgirl

Tombo2001 wrote: »

Did your mother in law just walk into the room there Glitzgirl?

No thankfully although my reaction may have been very similar if she had!

looksee

OP, I really think your son has to be the prime mover here, if he insists she should be with you for Christmas then you would be entitled to say, ok, but you have to keep her in line! But she sounds very stressed and unhappy if she is already worrying about Christmas, you said her husband had a long illness, it can have a very damaging effect on the people around when that happens. Try not to get wound up about it, don't turn her down but don't make any promises yet. Maybe she feels very alone and neglected after all the attention that had to be given to her husband, maybe a bit of love and attention at Christmas (or even before) would make all the difference.

Glitzgirl

looksee wrote: »

OP, I really think your son has to be the prime mover here, if he insists she should be with you for Christmas then you would be entitled to say, ok, but you have to keep her in line! But she sounds very stressed and unhappy if she is already worrying about Christmas, you said her husband had a long illness, it can have a very damaging effect on the people around when that happens. Try not to get wound up about it, don't turn her down but don't make any promises yet. Maybe she feels very alone and neglected after all the attention that had to be given to her husband, maybe a bit of love and attention at Christmas (or even before) would make all the difference.

He had initially banned her from the house but at the end of the day it is his mother and she has no one (because of her own actions) he has even said he feels it would ruin our Christmas as to be honest neither of us can look at her or be in the room with her without feeling very resentful and hurt never mind trying to force pleasantries over the Christmas table. This woman got all the support and help she could ever need for the first year of his illness and her own horrible neglectful actions meant she soon lost everyone's respect and help after that anything that was done was not for her benefit but for my FIL's. the man had to be removed from his home and live with us because she was flat out ignoring his basic needs (feeding, company etc). She in my opinion made her bed however my OH may give in as he feels obliged. She never allowed his illness to affect her life I mean the woman frequently went on holidays abroad and made no arrangements for care or even tell anyone she was going! We would often find him in the house by himself (before he was removed obviously) how could you have someone like that sit at your table at Christmas!

gctest50

Just leave her to herself - she seems to be already ruining the christmas happyz

Maybe christmas abroad if you can afford it ? be a nice change

Glitzgirl

gctest50 wrote: »

Just leave her to herself - she seems to be already ruining the christmas happyz

Maybe christmas abroad if you can afford it ? be a nice change

Only way I'd go abroad for Christmas would be to Lapland ! I won't lie the idea has crossed my mind suddenly develop a tradition of going abroad for the festive season I think i may and hope she gets the hint !

washiskin

I can see from you latest post that the hurt runs deep & rightly so, but I sense your good heart coming through in your understanding of her situation vis. having no-one.

It can be an awful thing to swallow your feelings towards someone's outrageous behaviour - how is she around your children? Do they see her as Nana or would they be happier without her being there too?

Hopefully between now & then, you might both be in a place where you can have a chat to clear the air about what went on before & start to build a better relationship moving on from here. If not, then it's up to your Partner to take the lead, as Looksee says.

hoodwinked

sorry are you saying in the op he died in 2011? what did she do in 2012/2013?


also you said you had no problems previously? this leads me to believe she was just acting out due to the stress of the situation.

personally, i have been through the wars with my mother in law, everyone was telling me i had the patience of a saint because i was just supporting my husband and trying and trying again, but lately we have turned a corner and now are starting to build a good relationship, in the war years i would have felt like you, but i bit my tongue for my husbands sake, i would say:

you need to do what ever your husband decides, she is his mother, if he decides he wants her there support him, and maybe try once again to build bridges, all you can do is try. if he decides he doesn't want her there (and take note what he might say in the heat of the moment he may not mean) so be it, support him, try not to impose your views on him either, he needs to make his own mind up.

Posy

Moved to P.I at the request of the OP.

Please note Personal Issues charter now applies.

Magicmatilda

Out of interest - did she have a good relationship with her husband when he was well, did he treat her well throughout their marraige.

Her actions sound like she resented having to look after him and I am wondering why that might be, maybe she just resented him for getting sick.

Has she been rude to you directly? How does she treat your child/children?

I would find it difficult to leave someone alone at Christmas but that is not to say that some people don;t go to far.

Also have you discussed this with her, explained your anger or has your husband?

Neyite

I think that it must be very hard for your husband when his manipulative mother turns the screws. Its very hard to escape from the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that is experienced. Toxic Parents by Susan Forward is an excellent book that I recommend you both read. Christmas is a long way away at the moment, so try to persuade him to be non-commital for as long as possible.

Ultimately, the way I see it is, she has the potential to drive a big wedge between you and your husband, and that if he capitulates and agrees to her coming for Christmas, that you should be supportive of him. I know that you love Christmas, but your relationship trumps that. She sounds horrible, and I do understand how upsetting it must be for you to have a lovely family time wrecked, but try to understand how bad your husband will feel knowing that he made a choice that he didnt really choose which ruined his family occasion.

freshpopcorn

Could your husband have a chat with her about behaviour?
He could be very blunt with her and tell her that he loves her/etc but sometimes her actions hurts himself/you and his children. He could say he doesn't want his families Christmas ruined by her because life is short and he wants every Christmas to be as happy as possible.

deisemum

Before ye decide whether to have her with you for christmas or not I think you husband and yourself should have a very frank discussion with her and set boundries before agreeing. I think it's also important that both of you are present for that discussion so it shows unity and it affects both of you.

Glitzgirl

Sorry for delay ill try get to as many of the questions as I can !

neemish

If this is raising it's head in July...JULY!!!... I'd take the initiative. Have a chat with your partner and together decide on a plan. And then go with it. If you decide to invite her, do it as graciously as you can. She's coming, this is what's happening, end of story. You(or better still your partner) tell her what the arrangements are, rather than the other way round. If you decide to go abroad, tell her well in advance.

I remember reading a Readers Digest article years ago that said Christmas Day, by far, is the most stressful day for families and that the best thing to do is to lower expectations and to cope with the inevitable.
So if you MIL is going to turn up and start making life hell, how can you cope with that? Could you invite a bigger crowd so that she kind of gets lost in the bunch? Or get your partner to have a nice chat about leaving certain conversations for another time? If you do have to invite her, can you arrange a day or two for you and your family to go away together and have a time just for yourselves?

What I'm trying to say is, don't let her ruin Christmas and the build up to it by making a huge issue of it. It's one day. Yes, it's an important day. But if you start worrying about this now, you'll have yourself in knots by December.

Glitzgirl

hoodwinked wrote: »

sorry are you saying in the op he died in 2011? what did she do in 2012/2013?


also you said you had no problems previously? this leads me to believe she was just acting out due to the stress of the situation. .

No sorry he was diagnosed in 2011 passed earlier this month. From 2011 - mid 2013 I cared for him in his own house attended all apps etc and in 2013 I was put on bed rest for pregnancy related problems during which time she was told she needed to either arrange care or take time off to care for him and she refused. My son was born in early 2013 dec by section he was only home 2 weeks when my FIL (who deteriorated so badly over the period i was on bed rest as she left him in the house alone etc that he was hospitalised) was removed from her house in 2013 and since lived with myself my partner and our 2 children. No problems with her previously always polite cordial etc

December2012

Do whatever your husband wants - he's truly in a horrible situation.

CaraMay

December2012 wrote: »

Do whatever your husband wants - he's truly in a horrible situation.

It's 100% your husband decision this year.

Calhoun

Neyite wrote: »

I think that it must be very hard for your husband when his manipulative mother turns the screws. Its very hard to escape from the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that is experienced. Toxic Parents by Susan Forward is an excellent book that I recommend you both read. Christmas is a long way away at the moment, so try to persuade him to be non-commital for as long as possible.

Ultimately, the way I see it is, she has the potential to drive a big wedge between you and your husband, and that if he capitulates and agrees to her coming for Christmas, that you should be supportive of him. I know that you love Christmas, but your relationship trumps that. She sounds horrible, and I do understand how upsetting it must be for you to have a lovely family time wrecked, but try to understand how bad your husband will feel knowing that he made a choice that he didnt really choose which ruined his family occasion.

I agree with this advice, i think your husband is damned if he does damned if he doesn't.

The one thing i would make it clear to him is that, he needs to be supportive of you. There is a line between understanding and doormat and he better appreciate where that is and make sure you aren't in the firing line the whole time.

implausible

If you do decide with your husband to try and mend bridges, I don't think that having it happen in the highly pressurised atmosphere of Christmas is a good idea. It would be worth testing the waters - maybe a short visit to her some Sunday or invite her for an hour of a kid's birthday.

Your husband is in an awful position and you have to think of the future - your child deserves to know his grandmother (providing she isn't a toxic influence).

People can react in inappropriate and surprising ways to a stressful situation like the illness of a loved one. People can also change.

Glitzgirl

Thanks for all the advice given. In reply to a comment about testing the waters I have done at a previous encounter and I was just blanked completely. I think it may stay like that and when she wants something she will ring my partner, not me I suppose based on our conversations (myself and partner) both agree that a sacrifice has to be made, we either swallow our feelings to accommodate her happiness and ruin our christmas or stick by our guns and worry about the morality of it i suppose, (I'm not heartless I don't like to see anyone alone ESP at Christmas but I do feel like she has treated me like a doormat already) so wondering has anyone stuck by their guns and not allowed a relative etc to visit and regretted it or did it give you peace of mind knowing they wouldn't be arriving!

Calhoun

You only have to look through some of the stuff that has come up on this forum to see many people before have cut poisonous folks out of their lives for the better of it.

Your case is clouded however by the recent bereavement and your husband still being in touch with his mother.

Its hard to truly give you the right advice as i don't think many have been in that situation that your husband is in. Only he really knows if its worth having here there.

As this is the first Christmas i think they would both get a little bit of a free pass but if she continues the way she is i would expect him to do something about it.

Glitzgirl

Calhoun wrote: »

You only have to look through some of the stuff that has come up on this forum to see many people before have cut poisonous folks out of their lives for the better of it.

Your case is clouded however by the recent bereavement and your husband still being in touch with his mother.

Its hard to truly give you the right advice as i don't think many have been in that situation that your husband is in. Only he really knows if its worth having here there.

As this is the first Christmas i think they would both get a little bit of a free pass but if she continues the way she is i would expect him to do something about it.

Very sound advice Calhoun thank you I may just go with the flow this christmas and expect her to arrive but I will not tolerate any rudeness especially in my own home so I think you are right I will just have to see how this christmas goes!

Calhoun

I wouldn't either i generally am of the opinion that my home is my castle, i would bite my tongue to a certain extent but pushed to far and she would be told where to go.

Big Bag of Chips

He's only dead a few weeks. She was always alright before his illness and only got bad when he got bad.

I think you need to be a bit more patient with her. Yes, you had your own stuff going on, but she had her stuff too, which made her behave selfishly. Could have been out of fear of what was coming, could have been denial, self-preservation. Could be a combination of all of those.

I know Christmas is a special time for you, just you and your family etc. But, there will be many more Christmases where it will be just you and your family. And down the line, you Christmas tradition will change as children leave home, or have their own family etc.

Try to put yourself in your mil's shoes. If in 30-40 years time, you found yourself dealing with your partner dying, you might behave out of character for a while etc, but hope people would understand at least some of how you are feeling. And then your child's partner, the only child you have near you, with your only grandchildren decided on the year you were bereaved, because of things you did during the horrible time, that they'd prefer for you to not be in their house at Christmas, because they like their tradition of "just family".

Life is complicated. Really, really complicated. And while we can sit at our keyboards and tell you to "cut toxic people from your life" etc, the reality is often not so easy. Life, and in particular family relationships, can rarely be boxed up and compartmentalised neatly. We often have to bite out tongue and keep the peace, for the greater good. And I think that is what you are going to have to do here.

If she is a guest in your house, you don't have to take any abuse/nastiness from her. Come up with a few select replies to her barbs, and don't be bullied into changing what you do in your own house. But try balance it with sensitivity at what she has gone through for the last couple of years, and the new leg of what she is going through now.

I don't envy you. But, you will not be the only person in the country playing host to someone they'd really rather not! As someone else mentioned above, if its agreed she will come, then work with that, and make the best of an awkward situation.

Glitzgirl

Think I may have to invite you Calhoun for back up

Glitzgirl

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

He's only dead a few weeks. She was always alright before his illness and only got bad when he got bad.

I think you need to be a bit more patient with her. Yes, you had your own stuff going on, but she had her stuff too, which made her behave selfishly. Could have been out of fear of what was coming, could have been denial, self-preservation. Could be a combination of all of those.

I know Christmas is a special time for you, just you and your family etc. But, there will be many more Christmases where it will be just you and your family. And down the line, you Christmas tradition will change as children leave home, or have their own family etc.

Try to put yourself in your mil's shoes. If in 30-40 years time, you found yourself dealing with your partner dying, you might behave out of character for a while etc, but hope people would understand at least some of how you are feeling. And then your child's partner, the only child you have near you, with your only grandchildren decided on the year you were bereaved, because of things you did during the horrible time, that they'd prefer for you to not be in their house at Christmas, because they like their tradition of "just family".

Life is complicated. Really, really complicated. And while we can sit at our keyboards and tell you to "cut toxic people from your life" etc, the reality is often not so easy. Life, and in particular family relationships, can rarely be boxed up and compartmentalised neatly. We often have to bite out tongue and keep the peace, for the greater good. And I think that is what you are going to have to do here.

If she is a guest in your house, you don't have to take any abuse/nastiness from her. Come up with a few select replies to her barbs, and don't be bullied into changing what you do in your own house. But try balance it with sensitivity at what she has gone through for the last couple of years, and the new leg of what she is going through now.

I don't envy you. But, you will not be the only person in the country playing host to someone they'd really rather not! As someone else mentioned above, if its agreed she will come, then work with that, and make the best of an awkward situation.

I understand from the outside it looks as though she was in shock denial etc but I really don't have the energy to go through all the horrible nasty things she did. I mean at the end of the day what kind of wife locks her ill husband in the house alone and tells no one so she can go to work ? And no they are not financially dependent on her working. Her husband and his illness were an inconvenience for her lifestyle and that's all it was. I have tried to be patient as has my partner and I think holding our tongues for over 3 years only to be repeatedly insulted by her is enough for anybody to put up with

El Horseboxo

I don't really see eye to eye with my mother in law. Granted she's not my mother in law too long. Think she feels I've took her little girl away from her. Hopefully when her grandchild is born which is just before Christina please God things might ease up a bit. I'm sure she'll be around for Christmas then. For now I just stuck it up and don't let her see she bothers me.

Glitzgirl

El Horseboxo wrote: »

I don't really see eye to eye with my mother in law. Granted she's not my mother in law too long. Think she feels I've took her little girl away from her. Hopefully when her grandchild is born which is just before Christina please God things might ease up a bit. I'm sure she'll be around for Christmas then. For now I just stuck it up and don't let her see she bothers me.

Congrats and best of luck for the future! Christmas will be very exciting for you all and I hope it brings you all closer- my only advice make boundaries clear from outset as sometimes with the best meaning in the world MIL can try take over after the birth of a baby

CaraMay

Glitzgirl wrote: »

I understand from the outside it looks as though she was in shock denial etc but I really don't have the energy to go through all the horrible nasty things she did. I mean at the end of the day what kind of wife locks her ill husband in the house alone and tells no one so she can go to work ? And no they are not financially dependent on her working. Her husband and his illness were an inconvenience for her lifestyle and that's all it was. I have tried to be patient as has my partner and I think holding our tongues for over 3 years only to be repeatedly insulted by her is enough for anybody to put up with

But it was his father so you should be taking your lead from him. It's not ok that she insulted you but I don't see why you are more annoyed about her locking away her husband than your partner is.

It's time for you to take a step back and let him interact with his mother any way he wants. If he wants to take her insults then so be it but I'm not saying you have to. It's his parents we are talking about after all so he should be able to deal with them as he wishes

cazzer22

Glitzgirl wrote: »

Really hoping for some help on this issue, background is as follows,

My mother in law (who I had no problems prior to this) is spending her first year alone. Her husband has recently passed from a long battle with cancer (2011) during which time I cared for him even having to move him in to live with myself and my family. During those time she was repeatedly insulting and rude to myself and most involved , as I believe she was hoping to live with her other son who works abroad. However he has since made it clear he has no intention of doing this. Now that she realises she has burned most of her bridges I caught her trying to make my partner feel bad (as he is the only son who lives in the country and has children ie her grandchildren.) I really can't stress how vile this woman has been to me and I am wondering if anyone else in a similar situation has stuck to their guns and not allowed their MIL to stay or visit Christmas Day ? ( I like to and always have celebrated Christmas Day with my partner and kids no visitors etc) I don't want her to ruin our christmas!

Hi Glitzgirl. This has been an ongoing issue in my family for the last seven years. It's my grandmother though and I know how my pressure you must feel to invite her for Christmas. In my family, it's on a rotation basis that my dad invites her one year, then my uncle. It's a difficult thing to have to put up with. I know how challenging my grandmother can be and my mum (would be her mother in law-same as you) experiences very similar difficulties.
Invite her, but be firm on when she can arrive and when you'd like her to go. If we didn't my granny would've stayed long after the New Year. Get her involved in the Christmas dinner preparation etc so that if she's kept busy she hopefully won't have the time to make rude remarks.
Also, you're inviting her into YOUR home so therefore, she fits into your plan and how you celebrate Christmas. My granny would often try to change our traditions because they weren't what she normally did, totally not on. Stick to your guns and I'm sure you'll have a lovely Christmas.
Will be thinking of you, best of luck OP x

Glitzgirl

cazzer22 wrote: »

Hi Glitzgirl. This has been an ongoing issue in my family for the last seven years. It's my grandmother though and I know how my pressure you must feel to invite her for Christmas. In my family, it's on a rotation basis that my dad invites her one year, then my uncle. It's a difficult thing to have to put up with. I know how challenging my grandmother can be and my mum (would be her mother in law-same as you) experiences very similar difficulties.
Invite her, but be firm on when she can arrive and when you'd like her to go. If we didn't my granny would've stayed long after the New Year. Get her involved in the Christmas dinner preparation etc so that if she's kept busy she hopefully won't have the time to make rude remarks.
Also, you're inviting her into YOUR home so therefore, she fits into your plan and how you celebrate Christmas. My granny would often try to change our traditions because they weren't what she normally did, totally not on. Stick to your guns and I'm sure you'll have a lovely Christmas.
Will be thinking of you, best of luck OP x

Thank you for your reply! That would be the ideal solution but unfortunately she has burned her bridges with almost every one she knows so i may find it hard to get volunteers I have a horrible gut feeling we may just bite the bullet and do it and try get her to abide by them glad to hear it has worked out for u x

Glitzgirl

CaraMay wrote: »

But it was his father so you should be taking your lead from him. It's not ok that she insulted you but I don't see why you are more annoyed about her locking away her husband than your partner is.

CaraMay I never said I was more annoyed than my partner. I stared that he has on more than one occasion tried to speak to her about it and it resulted in her going off crying to the father who in turn asked my partner to leave the mother be. It is very hard to try care for a person who you love and are close with and to see them being so horribly treated and neglected by their own wife while everyone else does anything they can for him. She could insult me all she liked that I could forgive but to have to watch a person close to me and my partner deteriate because she wasn't bothered with him was very hard on him and us

Dutchess

Hi Glitzgirl,

I'll tell you a bit of my story in the hope that it will help you at the risk that people might think of me as a cold merciless monster.

My problem is not with an in-law but with my own mother. I am 28. A lot of things about the way I was raised were weird. But the real problems started when we realised she has an alcohol problem. There was all the lying and hiding and fights that comes with this. I know she is sick (in many more ways than one) and I knew she had a rotten childhood herself. But years of being guilted, accused of being a liar while being lied to and ruining the atmosphere take their toll.

And I think one of my biggest issues always was her sense of entitlement. That her position as my mother entitled her to lecture me and boss me around despite how little of a mother she actually was. She also completely took my dad for granted as he is kind hearted (too much so).

A few years ago I went home to the Netherlands for Christmas. It had been planned a bit in advance. I wasn't bringing my husband and my sister didn't have a boyfriend at the time so it would just be the 4 of us. Just the way mammy liked it. That didn't stop her from, a few weeks beforehand, doing some truly awful things. And I had enough. I refused to let my few days at home at Christmas be ruined by that.

So I told my father that if I was to be in the house for Christmas, she wouldn't be. So my mother spent Christmas at her sister's. My dad and sis were fine with it but I got some pretty serious accusations from my aunt and uncle, "inhumane"..."how dare you".... All very easy to say when you haven't been through what we went through.

I believe in cutting some slack and second chances but I also believe that you don't owe anyone an infinite amount of chances and never ending forgiveness and kindness because they are related to you. Because there are people in the world (my mother and from what I read, you mother in law) who will abuse their positions as family members and take the people around them for granted.

The person you describe sounds like when everything is working out for them, they are perfectly tolerable. But once difficulty hits, they hide from responsibility and lash out to those who don't. Potentially out of a sense of guilt. You doing the right thing was probably very confrontational.

If your mother in law has to spend Christmas alone, maybe it will teach her that taking people for granted and treating them poorly is not going to do her any good.

Tolerating a toxic person in your life too much will do you or your family no good in the future. You're in the situation of being the last resort but you owe nothing.

Glitzgirl

Dutchess wrote: »

Hi Glitzgirl,

I'll tell you a bit of my story in the hope that it will help you at the risk that people might think of me as a cold merciless monster. .

Hi Dutchess thank you so much for sharing your story and you shouldn't fear about other people judging your actions, as you were in an impossible situation and sound like you had made the best effort you could. I think you summed it up fantastically when you said how people are not entitled to an infinite number of chances. That is so very true

Glitzgirl

Update**

Have since found out at the funeral mass the MIL told my 6 year old who was sat beside her that she would be lonely as she lived alone now , and of course my 6 year old said that's ok nana you can live with us, to which she said do you think your mammy will be cross ? Does mammy say mean things about nana? !

When I was told this I nearly died! She was told in no uncertain terms by her other son (the one she had hoped to live with following the funeral) that that was not an option and now fearing the consequences of her actions has begun to emotionally reach out to my 6 year and my partner!

Now I was unaware of this at the time and I may have genuinely felt for her (despite how horrible she has been) but at the time I was too busy being shocked and unbelievable hurt that at both the funeral and the removal mass every person who helped my FIL and his family and my children were mentioned by name, and not only was I not even mentioned by name as a family member or even friend of my FIL , the priest then proceeded to say how she had cared for my FIL day in and day out! To add insult to injury she contacted me recently (after several people approached her and said how that was cruel what she had done) and very publicly blamed the poor priest for forgetting me and mixing up the information she had given him ! Yeah right, so to hear she had the nerve to do that then ask my son if I was giving out about her (to see if living with us was a realistic option ) the woman has some neck! Needless to say I am not worrying about Christmas anymore and I made my position very clear to my partner she would not set foot in my house!

Dutchess

Good for you. That is absolutely horrid and taking a stand is the right thing.

Glitzgirl

Dutchess wrote: »

Good for you. That is absolutely horrid and taking a stand is the right thing.

Even my partner was floored when he realised how nasty she could be at the funeral of all places! Course that was when she was of the opinion she was going to be living with the other son so I suppose at the time she thought she could afford to be as mean as she wanted. Ah well always comes back around I say! And Dutchess how have you been since? Was that last Christmas ? Is your mam still in contact and do you regret your decision?

Dutchess

Actions have consequences. She took you for granted and treated you as her second choice and when you became her only choice she went through your child. Inexcusable in my opinion and a typical case of abusing her position.

As for me, I am not great or anything but that has more to do with life as a whole than that one Christmas. My parents have just gotten divorced now as my dad had enough as well. We still have some contact.

She wants to come over here but I have always said it is the one thing I will not have happen as I know that if she gets drunk and any of the things that come with that I won't want to be near her and in that case she'd be on the street as it's a different country where she knows nobody else.

I have never regretted the decision that Christmas (a few years ago now) since. I wanted to have a nice time with my family, peaceful and without discussions and arguments and that's what that choice got me. And I think for my dad and sis it was a load off as well, but they could never bring themselves to make that kind of decision.

tinkerbell

OP, if it were me, I couldn't forgive how she treated your FIL. You wouldn't treat an animal like that, nevermind your own husband. There is NO excuse for her abandoning your FIL like that. If your husband wants to see her, fine. But at the end of the day, you're not married to her, you're married to your husband and if you don't want her in your house then your husband should respect that. Tbh, it sounds like your husband would respect that because it's his own father who was treated so cruelly - I doubt he can easily forgive that. She sounds like a right manipulative b1tch and what she has done was just unforgiveable. It's not a minor discretion, it's a pretty big deal. And I most certainly would have no issue with not inviting her over for Christmas after how she has treated you and your family.

Santa Cruz

You should give it one more go with her this Christmas. If she can't behave herself then she's on her own from then on. If her son has an issue with that then he can go and stay with her for Christmas.

December2012

Him, I see a lot of talk about you, and her, but little about your husband.

For this year, I think you should be going along with what he wants. If it happens to be the same as you, then great. If not, then go along with him. He is the one who has lost his father.

amdublin

Santa Cruz wrote: »

You should give it one more go with her this Christmas. If she can't behave herself then she's on her own from then on. If her son has an issue with that then he can go and stay with her for Christmas.

^^^

I think this.

Glitzgirl - this is a different scenario from Duchess. This has not been going on for your whole life etc.

Frankly, and I mean frankly, you seem to be almost looking for "more bad stuff" she has done. How did you just find out about the funeral over the last two days?

Live and let. There are some incredibly toxic people who will never change who you simply have to cut out of your life. There are others who have done bad things, who need to be "managed" to an extent but ultimately who have not been "toxic" enough to simply cut out on a whim.

If this makes sense??

Aimeee

Awful situation really, I kind of have pity for her in a way. What happened to make her such a bitter selfish person?
I'd be inclined to give her this Christmas due to the year it's been. Have your ground rules though and a fixed time limit. Your partner has to be onside too.
Best of luck whatever you decide, a lot of things can happen between now and Christmas so try not to stress too much about it at this stage. (Easier said than done I know).