Why do you want/not want to get married?

strobe

There's a similar thread to this in another forum and I thought it would make an interesting thread here as its not something I hear talked about often from a male point of view.

Are you married, or intend to get married at some stage, why so?

Are you unmarried and intend to stay that way, why is that?

I'll post back with my own views later when I get the time.

userod

I am in a long term relationship for 8/9 years. I don't see what a certificate from a church whose teachings I think are nonsense, and an aggregation of our tax credits is going to add to our relationship.

Skatedude

Anyone i know who got married have regretted it. Marriage was important up till the last generation or so, but religion has been losing a lot of credibility over the last few years and people don't see it as so taboo any more to live with the person you love and not need to be approved by the church.

Pawwed Rig

Tax credits are pretty irrelevant now anyway except in certain situations. Bigger issue is inheritance and guardian rights.

matrim

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Bigger issue is inheritance and guardian rights.

This is pretty much the main driver for me. I'm not married but in a long term relationship.

Marriage won't change how I feel about my GF or anything tangible about our daily lives, but if we are going to have kids I'd like to be married beforehand to have the extra rights associated with that, e.g. guardianship, and to have sorted our next of kin and inheritance in case of any problems

kryogen

MArriage means nothing to me, but does to my partner, of 8 years and we have two kids so I will marry her, I just have no need to do it myself at all

osaurus

I'm unsure about marriage. I'm 28 now and not in a relationship at the moment. When I was younger I liked the idea of it. To love someone till death do you part. Idealistic stuff really. Then as I grew older and started working I realilsed it's not all as rosy as I first thought. People who I worked with were married. Some happily, a lot not so. Many cheating on their significant others. This was throughout different jobs and countries. The naivety was shocked out of me.

My experiences have lead me to question the whole idea of marriage and what it means in today's world. From my perspective it doesn't really mean a whole lot. It also raises the question do you ever really know someone? So many people I know have been fúcked over by their wife/husband ranging from cheating to draining bank accounts and having their house repossessed due to bills not being paid.

Divorce rates are creeping up also. Assets being split, custody over children and more often than not sided with the woman. The man usually comes off worse. I don't know if I'd get into a 'contract' where if it were to go sour I'd come out of it at a huge loss - never mind money or any of that. Potential kids and visitation rights would be more important. These are all hypothetical anyway.

Leaning more towards not getting married but things change so who knows. 5 years down the line it could all change.

drumswan

kryogen wrote: »

MArriage means nothing to me, but does to my partner, of 8 years and we have two kids so I will marry her, I just have no need to do it myself at all

If you are an unmarried father you have seriously fewer rights. You should really look into it.

beano345

Unmarried and intend to stay that way,I think it amounts to modern day slavery nowadays and have seen too many men ruined by a women's vindictive whim,with the backing of divorce laws, not a chance I'd take.

The Wild Bunch

I wanna get married, simply because I believe in marriage

Wompa1

Some day I'd like to have kids. Although I think the piece of paper is kind of pointless, I'm worried that if I don't marry I'd have even less rights as a father of my kids if things go a-wry.

eh i dunno

Getting married in September this year. Excited and nervous at the same time. Love her though and its the next step after 6 years together. See some people who never married and ended up single and living alone. Thats no life for anyone after a certain age.

Only downside to marriage is the cost imo.

Pawwed Rig

eh i dunno wrote: »

Thats no life for anyone after a certain age.

Alot of people are perfectly happy unmarried

astonaidan

I do like the idea of getting married, Like 28 now and never had a long term girlfriend it just hasnt appealed to me as I believe in the whole love thing and if I dont feel it, I dont feel it and now I just re-read this and feel a bit gay

Galwayguy35

I believe in marriage, I was nearly married a few years ago but called it off a few months beforehand because I knew it was going to be a mistake.
I know by calling it off I ripped my exes heart out and it was the hardest thing I had to do but it was the right decision.

It hasn't turned me off marriage though and I would still like to be married someday.

Larry Wildman

It may seem archaic, but a lot of guys get married because they do not want their kids to be illegitimate.

Larry Wildman

I think marriage used to be seen as an expression of long term commitment. And many things have diluted that value.

The rise of critical thinking and anti religious thought clearly has a place to play in this. Many people no longer want to frame their love in a way that they need to parse through church doctrine.

But at the same time we have expiated and made more efficient the process of divorce. Which for all it's value is obviously going to have the back effect of diluting the value of marriage itself.

I mean how much commitment does it take to sign a contract one can reverse next month? Easy in, easy out, is never going to support the old commitment of marriage at all.

When I got into the relationship I am in now - living with two girls and we now have 2 of 4 planned kids - it was clear from the start the marriage was never going to be an option for us. So we tried to assess the win/lose of that reality.

The wins were relatively few. And the "lose" were even more easy to get over - at least with the help of a good solicitor. But it took time and effort and thought. Inheritance. Next of Kin. Visitor rights in the event of a disaster or injury. Visitation rights on our kids in the case of seperation. But there is always really easy ways to sort that.

I think marriage still has a lot of worth to those who put value in tradition - public declarations of love and life long commitment - and I would hate to cast any denigration on to anyone who feels that way.

It is a beautiful tradition. It has become meaningless over the years. But to deny the value of the tradition in the face of its loss of value as a practice would be really not only throwing the baby out with the bathwater... but stamping its corpse down the drain

Larry Wildman wrote: »

It may seem archaic, but a lot of guys get married because they do not want their kids to be illegitimate.

On that point however - I have to admit I have never met a single single one.

Larry Wildman

[Deleted User] wrote: »

On that point however - I have to admit I have never met a single single one.

I'm sorry but I find that hard to believe.

I can think of a lot of people I know who have explicitly stated that they got married to have kids because of legitimacy/having kids out of wedlock issues.

Larry Wildman

Larry Wildman wrote: »

I'm sorry but I find that hard to believe.

I can think of a lot of people I know who have explicitly stated that they got married to have kids because of legitimacy/having kids out of wedlock issues.

And I find your anecdote also hard to believe. "legitimacy" has got to be the single last thing I have ever heard mentioned - actually because it has NEVER been mentioned - in my circle.

But clearly we are just comparing circles of friends and experience here. One anecdote meets another. What the actual reality around us is I do not know.

Do people still care?

Pawwed Rig

Deleted User wrote: »

On that point however - I have to admit I have never met a single single one.

Me neither if I am honest. In fact the only person I know who would have cared was my old Gran and she was born in 1914. Maybe different places are more conservative than others.

Deleted User wrote: »

When I got into the relationship I am in now - living with two girls and we now have 2 of 4 planned kids - it was clear from the start the marriage was never going to be an option for us. So we tried to assess the win/lose of that reality.

Am I reading this right? There are three of you in a relationship together?

IHeartShoes

Deleted User wrote: »

'When I got into the relationship I am in now - living with two girls and we now have 2 of 4 planned kids - it was clear from the start the marriage was never going to be an option for us. So we tried to assess the win/lose of that reality.

The wins were relatively few. And the "lose" were even more easy to get over - at least with the help of a good solicitor. But it took time and effort and thought. Inheritance. Next of Kin. Visitor rights in the event of a disaster or injury. Visitation rights on our kids in the case of seperation. But there is always really easy ways to sort that.'

Can I just clarify something from the above - you are cohabiting with two girls. So you are in a romantic relationship with both and have children with both? Apols if I appear thick:)

Agree entirely that the guardianship and inheritance issues and travelling with kids etc outside of marriage can easily be managed by a family law solicitor rendering that part of the marriage debate fairly moot.

A lot of reasons for getting married quoted to me are 'celebrating or declaring our love and commitment in front of family and friends'. That can easily be achieved without the legal document, IMO. I don't wish to sound cynical but marriage simply makes a bad relationship tougher to get out of. End of.

Pawwed Rig

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Am I reading this right? There are three of you in a relationship together?

IHeartShoes wrote: »

Can I just clarify something from the above - you are cohabiting with two girls. So you are in a romantic relationship with both and have children with both? Apols if I appear thick:)

I get in some hot water on Boards for over mentioning this so I try to play it down. But yes. We are what we comically refer to a truple. (play on couple).

To answer the latter question no - both of my kids are with the older of my girlfriends. The younger of us does not want to have kids until she is 30. We are currently 35, 33 and 27. Which means the latter pair of kids we plan will come about somewhere in the next 4-7 years

Our current kids are 3.5 years old and 6 weeks - today actually. Girl and boy in that order.

To get back to the thread topic however. We have clearly no option to get married - but we feel no compulsion to - nor any loss from being unable to. Though how much we have benefited from having one of us doing a law doctorate is something I will only quantify in retrospect.

pwurple

Deleted User wrote: »

. And the "lose" were even more easy to get over - at least with the help of a good solicitor. But it took time and effort and thought. Inheritance. Next of Kin. Visitor rights in the event of a disaster or injury. Visitation rights on our kids in the case of seperation. But there is always really easy ways to sort that.

Curious as to how you overcame inheritance issues with the solicitor... It's a hefty tax bill. Who inherits, and how do they not get turfed out on their ear?

pwurple

pwurple wrote: »

Curious as to how you overcame inheritance issues with the solicitor... It's a hefty tax bill. Who inherits, and how do they not get turfed out on their ear?

Couple of signed documents - most of which I do not pretend to understand. As I said - it really helps that one of the girls is a Doctorate in Law. Though we often joke that she probably hid things in the legaleese small print that we will never know about.

eviltwin

Deleted User wrote: »

Couple of signed documents - most of which I do not pretend to understand. As I said - it really helps that one of the girls is a Doctorate in Law. Though we often joke that she probably hid things in the legaleese small print that we will never know about.

The only way around inheritance if you own a property or other asset or have a large sum of money is to put it in your child's name isn't it? We married because of inheritance tax, even though you buy half a house you have a heavier tax bill than a person who hasn't put a cent towards it :mad: There was no way I was giving the tax man more bloody money.

skallywag

Myself and my partner are not married, we live together and have a young daughter together. My own take on the inheritance issue is that in the event of my own demise my assets will default to my daughter (her being my next of kin), hence leaving no tax liability.

I don't live in Ireland at the moment so am not sure of the legal situation there, but I would imagine that it may be similar?

Pawwed Rig

skallywag wrote: »

My own take on the inheritance issue is that in the event of my own demise my assets will default to my daughter (her being my next of kin), hence leaving no tax liability.

What about guardianship of your daughter?

eviltwin wrote: »

The only way around inheritance if you own a property or other asset or have a large sum of money is to put it in your child's name isn't it?

No, that is not true. A spouse would have the same reliefs as a child (generally)

Mod note - Let's not go down the tax advice route folks as it is a minefield that depends entirely on personal circumstances

skallywag

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

What about guardianship of your daughter?

If you mean in general, i.e. the (preferred!) scenario in which I am not dead, then my partner would have full rights I assume.

Gotham

I don't want to get married because I feel that I don't need a document or legal agreement to promise to the person I love I'll be monogamous for the rest my life.

Our current society is built around it so much that my family and I can even be punished for not getting married in various legal and monetary forms.
That pis­ses me off.

Knex*

I don't see myself getting married unless I have kids, and I'm not in the headspace for that for a long while yet. Could be nigh on 10 years before I consider it, but then again, these things don't really adhere to plans that often. A lot can change in 10 years, be it legally in terms of Father's rights, my own mindset, etc.

TaxAH, without wanting to drag thread off topic, your situation fascinates me. I say that as someone who as no strong opinion either for nor against, just scenarios such as yours, open relationships (very different, I know), and monogamy are often things I dwell on.

Sleepy

I'd say I did it for the usual reasons guys I know get married: she wanted to, guardianship rights, tax credits (being a single-income co-habiting family was costing us about €3,500pa as only married couples can get joint assessment), inheritance issues will be easier in the (hopefully distant) future and, while I don't see any material difference between the two states, married or not, I'm committed to her.