Dating a Single Parent (Again)

Gannicus · 07-05-2014 09:32AM #1

Out of my last 4 relationships 2 of the girls I have dated are single parents. One ended very amicably. We just wanted different things in the long run (more kids, where to live etc), the other turned into a war of attrition about anything and everything. So after that ended last year I made a decision not to date a single parent again.

Fast forward to last week. I was on the bus to work and a girl I know and used to have a massive crush on (still do) got on I haven't seen her in about 6 years. She still looks great aswel. Saw her again yesterday and this morning on the bus. We were chatting and having a good laugh. This morning I asked her if she was up to anything this weekend and wanted to grab a drink after work Friday evening. She said yes but she has to get a babysitter. No, she didn't have a child when before we lost contact. With that I automatically tried to play it off as a friendly drink and told her if she can't get a sitter not to worry.

Should I see where things go with us

or

Based on my past experiences avoid going down this route again.

I'm not saying people shouldn't date a single parent, hell I did it twice for a sum total of 3 years (2 years and 1 year respectively) between both relationships. Just that I don't think it's something that will ever work for me. Am I wrong?

Boombastic · 07-05-2014 09:33AM

whatever floats your boat

Gyalist · 07-05-2014 09:35AM

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy · 07-05-2014 09:36AM

You're wrong if you walk away from her just because she has a sprog. I was best man at my team mate's wedding. His wife had 1 child from a previous relationship.

Now their married 3 years, with one toddler extra and another on the way.

Penny Tration · 07-05-2014 09:38AM

Duracell Bunny wrote: »

You're wrong if you walk away from her just because she has a sprog. I was best man at my team mate's wedding. His wife had 1 child from a previous relationship.

Now their married 3 years, with one toddler extra and another on the way.

I don't think he'd be wrong at all tbh. Some people want very different things, and there's no point developing a relationship with someone who you probably won't be with once it gets serious.

If someone has a kid, I wouldn't date them tbh. I never want kids, never want to be in a relationship where there's a kid involved, and that's that tbh.

monflat · 07-05-2014 09:41AM

Big Steve wrote: »

Out of my last 4 relationships 2 of the girls I have dated are single parents. One ended very amicably. We just wanted different things in the long run (more kids, where to live etc), the other turned into a war of attrition about anything and everything. So after that ended last year I made a decision not to date a single parent again.

Fast forward to last week. I was on the bus to work and a girl I know and used to have a massive crush on (still do) got on I haven't seen her in about 6 years. She still looks great aswel. Saw her again yesterday and this morning on the bus. We were chatting and having a good laugh. This morning I asked her if she was up to anything this weekend and wanted to grab a drink after work Friday evening. She said yes but she has to get a babysitter. No, she didn't have a child when before we lost contact. With that I automatically tried to play it off as a friendly drink and told her if she can't get a sitter not to worry.

Should I see where things go with us

or

Based on my past experiences avoid going down this route again.

I'm not saying people shouldn't date a single parent, hell I did it twice for a sum total of 3 years (2 years and 1 year respectively) between both relationships. Just that I don't think it's something that will ever work for me. Am I wrong?

Put it this way if a girl liked u and you liked her
But it turned out you had a child a few yrs ago .

How would you feel if she walked away cause you " had a child "

Give it a go. You will know soon enough

diveout · 07-05-2014 09:41AM

You could have also had relationships with childless single women and it not worked out but you would not be on here asking should I never date a childless woman again.

Seriously, you have to identify the problems before you can determine whether or not it's them having children that is is the problem or if its a problem with how the two of you relate.

It takes maturity to date a single parent, there is a lot of give and take, and compromise, they often have little time, etc and it costs them a lot of money, often money they don't have to get a sitter so they can go out and meet your for a drink. Some people can't do it, some people are not capable of that and want the person all to themselves. I think its better if you are very honest with yourself about which camp you fall in before getting involved with a family.

Boombastic · 07-05-2014 09:43AM

Duracell Bunny wrote: »

You're wrong if you walk away from her just because she has a sprog. I was best man at my team mate's wedding. His wife had 1 year old child from a previous relationship.

Now their married 3 years, with one toddler extra and another on the way.

different strokes for different folks.. a child would make me run in the opposite direction. all might be rosy when they're babies but only time will tell, not to mention you are entering in to a relationship with others( childs other parent &/ partner)

other people wouldn't mind.

Calibos · 07-05-2014 09:43AM

Was it the children themselves that were the seed of whatever caused the other relationships to breakdown?

ie. You don't like kids and hated the little fcukers.
She wanted more kids. You didn't.
She didn't want more kids. You did.
Sick of no alone time because of kids.
Sick of no spontaneity because of having to account for kids.

If you can't track the breakdowns of the other relationships directly or indirectly to the kids then surely this old crush having a kid isn't at all like 'doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same results'. It broke down because of incompatibility with the mothers not the kids and thus what difference does it make if this woman has a kid too.

07-05-2014 09:45AM

Did your other relationships end because the women were parents?

Grayson · 07-05-2014 09:45AM

monflat wrote: »

Put it this way if a girl liked u and you liked her
But it turned out you had a child a few yrs ago .

How would you feel if she walked away cause you " had a child "

Personally I'd be fine with it. A child is a huge deal.

Gannicus · 07-05-2014 09:47AM

diveout wrote: »

You could have also had relationships with childless single women and it not worked out but you would not be on here asking should I never date a childless woman again.

I have had relationships with childless women that haven't worked but when theose relationships went arse about face the only ones affected where myself and the girl. There was no kids to worry about or impact on their lives

diveout wrote: »

Seriously, you have to identify the problems before you can determine whether or not it's them having children that is is the problem or if its a problem with how the two of you relate.

I think it may be a bit of both

diveout wrote: »

It takes maturity to date a single parent, there is a lot of give and take, and compromise, they often have little time, etc and it costs them a lot of money, often money they don't have to get a sitter so they can go out and meet your for a drink. Some people can't do it, some people are not capable of that and want the person all to themselves. I think its better if you are very honest with yourself about which camp you fall in before getting involved with a family.

I know all of these come into play I have dated single parents before. I'm not sure on whether I want them to come into play with me again.

07-05-2014 09:51AM

Big Steve wrote: »

I have had relationships with childless women that haven't worked but when theose relationships went arse about face the only ones affected where myself and the girl. There was no kids to worry about or impact on their lives

Ok, that's a very fair point. But you can have a relationship with someone and not be involved with their children until such time that the relationship moves on. I don't think you should give up the chance at being happy with someone you fancy (and have done for a long time), and get on great with because there is a child in the mix. But that's just me, it wouldn't be something that would bother me but I can see why it would be difficult for you giving your quoted post. I'm not really the kind of person who sees the problems, I tend to see around them, but that's not always a good thing either!

My opinion; go for it. Don't get in too deep (har har) too early.

danniemcq · 07-05-2014 09:53AM

In fairness OP both reasons you gave to giving up on dating a single parent could be applied to any relationship. There is no need for writing off a full section of society. I could easily say i'm giving up on dating women without kids and give the same reasons you gave.

If both of you have the same goals/ambitions then there is no reason her having a kid or kids should get in the way.

Speaking from experience from the kids point of view (although probably older than the kids your ex's had) I'd be more cautious with the whole thing yes, take it slowly before you finally decide to commit or whatever but just because you are cautious doesn't mean give up.

Maphisto · 07-05-2014 09:56AM

I'm interested in a reply to Calibos post. I also think that this girl could be the best thing since whatever and it seems wrong to make a generalisation.

Is it because the whole dating, moving in (or not) gets condensed or altered because of the kids?

geeky · 07-05-2014 10:37AM

Big Steve wrote: »

Out of my last 4 relationships 2 of the girls I have dated are single parents. One ended very amicably. We just wanted different things in the long run (more kids, where to live etc), the other turned into a war of attrition about anything and everything. So after that ended last year I made a decision not to date a single parent again.

Fast forward to last week. I was on the bus to work and a girl I know and used to have a massive crush on (still do) got on I haven't seen her in about 6 years. She still looks great aswel. Saw her again yesterday and this morning on the bus. We were chatting and having a good laugh. This morning I asked her if she was up to anything this weekend and wanted to grab a drink after work Friday evening. She said yes but she has to get a babysitter. No, she didn't have a child when before we lost contact. With that I automatically tried to play it off as a friendly drink and told her if she can't get a sitter not to worry.

Should I see where things go with us

or

Based on my past experiences avoid going down this route again.

I'm not saying people shouldn't date a single parent, hell I did it twice for a sum total of 3 years (2 years and 1 year respectively) between both relationships. Just that I don't think it's something that will ever work for me. Am I wrong?

The way you tell it, the break-ups with your two past relationships had less to do with the people having kids - it was more to do with the women themselves, your relationship with them, and your long-term priorities.

Sure, kids are a complication, and affect a person's priorities, but not in a uniform way. I'd be pretty eager to establish whether there's a long-term connection and shared priorities before getting too attached - if a serious relationship is what you're considering.

By the way, I wouldn't hold anything against someone who doesn't want to date single parents, no more than someone who flat out doesn't want kids - if you don't want that in your life, that's a perfectly legitimate position.

In your case, I'd say see where things go.

Celly Smunt · 07-05-2014 10:41AM

Has she gone fat after the pregnancy? Maybe you're just a chubby chaser

Gannicus · 07-05-2014 10:45AM

Celly Smunt wrote: »

Has she gone fat after the pregnancy? Maybe you're just a chubby chaser

No she hasn't. Well I don't think so. She still looks great to me.

Even if she was/wasn't chubby after the baby her attractiveness is still subjective to me or others.

Gannicus · 07-05-2014 10:48AM

geeky wrote: »

The way you tell it, the break-ups with your two past relationships had less to do with the people having kids - it was more to do with the women themselves, your relationship with them, and your long-term priorities.

I think that the fact they had a child from a past relationship they are no longer in has indefinitely changed the way they look at the future in comparison to childless women of the same age and social background.

diveout · 07-05-2014 10:51AM

Big Steve wrote: »

I think that the fact they had a child from a past relationship they are no longer in has indefinitely changed the way they look at the future in comparison to childless women of the same age and social background.

That could be very very true. I could see how a certain cynacism would bleed through, where you are scared to invest.

It's also the case you are so used to being independent that you can get scared to lean too much on someone, and then suddenly it's gone, after you have grown used to it.

mayordenis · 07-05-2014 10:52AM

Gyalist wrote: »

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

OP has already done the same twice with 2 different results.

suicide_circus · 07-05-2014 10:52AM

At least you know she's ridin'.

jane82 · 07-05-2014 10:52AM

If you are prepared to treat the child like your own go for it. If not , dont, its not fair on the child or the mother.

minidazzler · 07-05-2014 10:58AM

Personally I wouldn't go out with a girl who has a kid. I don't want that baggage. But that's me, some people inexplicably like kids.

Gannicus · 07-05-2014 11:01AM

diveout wrote: »

That could be very very true. I could see how a certain cynacism would bleed through, where you are scared to invest.

I don't see how this could be the case. I had discussions with them about our futures and one was a mature and grown up conclusion and the other just well I suppose I could say I was dragged into unnecessary arguments but I shouldn't have risen to the rows that happened. but I'm not scared to invest. I was willing to invest a future with these two women just like any of the ones that don't have kids.

cena · 07-05-2014 11:02AM

It is up to you really.

I am not sure I could do it. What if I want kids and she doesn't want anymore. Only one way it could end if you really want kids and she doesn't

diveout · 07-05-2014 11:03AM

Big Steve wrote: »

I don't see how this could be the case. I had discussions with them about our futures and one was a mature and grown up conclusion and the other just well I suppose I could say I was dragged into unnecessary arguments but I shouldn't have risen to the rows that happened. but I'm not scared to invest. I was willing to invest a future with these two women just like any of the ones that don't have kids.

Sorry, I meant THEY could be scared to invest.

loveta · 07-05-2014 11:04AM

Third time lucky

Gannicus · 07-05-2014 11:07AM

diveout wrote: »

Sorry, I meant THEY could be scared to invest.

Oh right.....

kupus · 07-05-2014 11:08AM

I would advise against it.
Dating a single parent is not the same as dating one without a kid.
Time, money, priorities, all go out the window when it comes to you or the kid.
But youve been through all this before so you know the score.

maybe, you want to be a dad so you go for the women who have kids already without the added responsibility of it being yours.
Maybe. something to think about.

Tasden · 07-05-2014 11:08AM

jane82 wrote: »

If you are prepared to treat the child like your own go for it. If not , dont, its not fair on the child or the mother.

Not necessarily. My child already has a dad, any guy I see isn't a replacement for him so I wouldn't expect them to treat her as if she's theirs. Obviously they'd have to have a good relationship with her if our relationship was to go anywhere long-term but I wouldn't expect anyone to treat her as their own.

Both myself and my boyfriend have a child from a previous relationship and we both care about each others child but we don't take on a parenting role. Maybe in the future that might happen naturally, who knows.

That's just me though. Everyones different.

Dating a Single Parent (Again)

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