Should we break up?

Obliq

Oh dear I can't say happy birthday, because it isn't. However, I hope you defer your birthday to some happier time and have it then. Call your Mam, she loves you and I know you said you haven't that kind of relationship, but maybe you could (I would want to know what's going on for you if I was your Mam). It's ok to be upset and needing people - also, it's fine to let it all out up here - you're not having a whinge fest, you're in trouble.

What will life be like without your gf? Better in some ways, and not so fun in others. It'll be different. You won't have your head wrecked, nor be having sinking feelings about going home. You won't be told you're not appreciative enough, and you won't be manipulated into agreeing how crap you are at being nice. You won't be the one shouldering all the blame for what's been going on, and you won't be being fed a ton of guilt over your (admittedly not brilliant) presents that you're never let forget about, nor ever will be let, by the looks of things.

You will be upset though, as you've clearly had some good times and still do (between the random acts of drama), and you will have to branch out for yourself and make a life to suit just you for a while. That includes biting the bullet and making friends on your own, calling on those you know a bit for somewhere to crash where you won't be woken at 4am by drunken eejits. That's why I'd suggest calling your Mam. Everyone needs a helping hand every now and then - wouldn't she be horrified at the thought she could be helping you now but didn't know about what you're going through?

OP, I wish I knew someone in Cork bar just my elderly aunt, who hasn't room for anyone. Honest to christ, you sound decent and a hard worker. Hang in there.....you'll get through this.

Legs.Eleven

OP, I hope you can see the wood for the trees eventually and I know it's hard to think straight because of the lack of sleep and the confusion but it's very, very obvious to an outsider what is going on here: your girlfriend is manipulative and selfish. Of course it's relevant that yesterday was your birthday; she threw you out of the house you're paying rent for as well on your birthday and she talks about how badly you treat her on hers?

What in the love of jaysus does the girl want from you? She sounds like a deeply insecure individual. You're not there to give her validation, you're there because you want to love her and to be loved and to have a mutually respectful relationship that doesn't make you feel shit about yourself. This relationship is toxic beyond belief. This girl is bandying around ridiculous platitudes about wanting to make up then brings up the same issue again and again but gives you absolutely no indication of what she expects from you (bar presents on her birthday).

When someone is down, what more can you do but offer to leave work early and help her? The mind absolutely boggles.


You sound like such a nice fella, OP and I really, really hope you do what's right. It sounds as if you need help to see things clearly and I'd definitely recommend getting in touch with AMEN or this might never end and you'll be stuck in this cycle of highs and lows for the rest of your life and you'll be left with absolutely no self worth whatsoever. Don't let that happen, OP/

I hope you're okay, OP and happy birthday for yesterday

Big Bag of Chips

It's ok to tell her that she obviously needs more than you are capable of giving. There are many different types of couples. Some are quite dependent on each other, and almost live in their own bubble of "we don't need anyone else, we've got each other". Other couples are happy being together but not living in each other's pockets or needing constant validation, reassurance etc.

Every couple needs to have that to a small degree.. but constant attention seeking, constantly wanting/needing your partner to prove they love you is not healthy, for anyone... If both people in the couple are like that, everyone's happy. If 1 is, and 1 isn't it only leads to misery for both.

You are more relaxed in your relationship, and that is not wrong. She wants the champagne and roses, and she's not necessarily wrong either. The only thing that's wrong is you two together. She needs to be with someone who has nothing else in their life only her. You need someone who is a bit more independent and doesn't need a man "to take care of her".

I'd be curious if your gf (ex?) has many friends? Does she put the same demands and conditions on friendships as she does on her relationships... If she does, I'm guessing her friends haven't/won't stick around for very long.

You are determined to take some of the blame here, so do. Accept that you cannot, and have not given her what she wants. But also accept that whilst she is entitled to demand whatever she feels she is deserving of from a relationship. You are not obliged to give it, if it's all too much. You are not the only bloke in the world. And if you are not happy as a couple (and clearly you're not) then its time to cut your loses and find people that you will both be genuinely happy with.

A good relationship is one you can relax in. Not one where you are always holding your breath wondering what's going to happen next.

Even when she was 'apologising' to you and asking you to come back, she was putting conditions on what you needed to do to be a better boyfriend. She needs to go find someone else who ticks all the boxes, because it is unfair on you to force you to change the fundamental person you are, just to please her.

On another note, when you end up with someone who you truly love, and who truly loves you... It clicks into place. The little things to show you appreciate someone, or they appreciate you, click into place. They might be subtle things, like making a cup of tea, bringing home a bar of chocolate from the shop on the way home from work etc... They are small gestures that might not seem all that significant, but they will come naturally when you are truly happy.

I hope you don't go back to that relationship, OP, because although things might change for a week or 2 they will always revert. You are too different as people for you both to ever be genuinely happy together. One of you will always be seriously compromising yourselves for the other's happiness. There are easier relationships out there for both of you. I just hope you don't waste any more time flogging this dead horse.

Taltos

OP I am not going to make any judgements here but can I strongly recommend you have a look at this website and reach out to them for support asap.

http://www.amen.ie/

Stop blaming yourself in all this, take some time for you, ask for time away from texts, or turn off your phone but do reach out for some real help asap.

Tiddlypeeps

I have to agree with others, the more you post the more clear it is that you are in an abusive relationship.

Here is a list of signs you should look out for. Taken from the Amen website:

What are the signs to look out for ?

Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings

Do you:

feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
feel that you can't do anything right for your partner?
believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
wonder if you're the one who is crazy?
feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Your Partner's Belittling Behaviour

Does your partner:

humiliate or yell at you?
criticise you and put you down?
treat you so badly that you're embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
blame you for her own abusive behaviour?
see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Your Partner's Absusive Behaviour or Threats

Does your partner:

have a bad and unpredictable temper?
hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
threaten to take your children away or harm them?
threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
force you to have sex?
destroy your belongings?

Your Partner's Controlling Behaviour

Does your partner:

act excessively jealous and possessive?
control where you go or what you do?
keep you from seeing your friends or family?
limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
constantly check up on you?

You don't need to answer yes to every single one for it to indicate an abusive relationship, only a few.

midlandsmissus

She is unhappy and you are unhappy. At the end of the day you are not giving each other what you both need.

Don't let this all be one sided.

She was able to tell you what she needs out of the relationship. you need to be able to tell her what you need out of the relationship. what do you want out of the relationship?

Relationship is about compromise.

If you can't both grow from this and compromise, you may be better off apart.

But a first big thing is not to take this all as your fault:she was able to ascertain her needs, you need to be able to stand up for what you need too. Give and take. Good luck.

Big Bag of Chips

She's well able to talk at you, but does she talk to you? Do you ever have discussions about your relationship? Or during/after every row does she just tell you what you've done wrong and that you "must do better" in future? Has she any faults? Has she ever accepted blame for any row that you've ever had, or is it *always* your fault?

One thing I know for certain... In most relationships one person is rarely, very very very rarely *always* wrong. You cannot be always the one who is to blame. Unless you are an alcoholic, drug abusing, gambling addict who comes home and knocks her about because your dinner isn't made to your liking then you cannot possibly *always* be the one who is in the wrong.

Relationships are supposed to be equal, and that even means sharing the blame when things go wrong.

retro:electro

So all of this happened because you didn't worship her on her bday, but yet on your bday she emotionally abuses you and kicks you out of the house..
Maybe you should give her a taste of her own medicine and tell her until SHE starts appreciating YOU that this isn't going to work.

LegacyUser

I gotta say, I have taken everything I have read on board here. The way I view her and this relationship has completely changed. I will be honest, and before I go further don't think I am sucking up, I think there is more to this than meets boardsies eyes. This woman has really helped me out throughout our relationship and made a lot of sacrifices for me. I do understand her view point, and can especially see why she'd be upset especially since she doesn't have anyone close here in Cork. I do see why she'd be tired and fed up after all this inconsideration. The fact that she has stuck with me after these years and through many more fúck ups by myself (I haven't told you guys half of it) and still believes we can work, and not only believes but genuinely wants to.

I mean there has been occassions like this where she sincerely apologizes for acting like a dragon lady and she has acknowledged she can be very hard on me and wants me to tell her if she's bringing down my self esteem and how I think about myself (which she has...). She often asks how I have so much patience with her.

Now, that said I can see from another perspective how tough and demanding and melodramatic she can be. Almost too much. In retrospect I am amazed my eyes haven't popped out of my head in frustration yet. I can see how I've belittled myself so much and made myself feel so bad and how that is extremely unhealthy.

But, I am going to give her a text and go home and give this ONE final shot. I have kind of accepted this probably won't work and have mentally started to accept it is time to move on. But there's no harm in trying once more. I have this wonderful hindsight you have given me and I refuse to let her mentally make me bully myself. I will of course try to be more considerate and selfless, but like I said I'm not going to stand and take the abuse anymore.

I don't have much faith or hope, but she still does, I think anyways. Even if it doesn't work out there's no harm in letting this end as smoothly and amicably as possible as opposed to just telling her it's over then grabbing my stuff and disappearing. We have been through way too much together for it to end like this so if it does more than likely end, I will do my best to make it the least dramatic and emotionally negative as possible because we've been through enough. I still want her to be happy at the end of the day, as I do myself.

I would also just like to give a massive thanks to everyone here too. It's really changed a lot of things and helped me out when I felt admittedly at one of my most loneliest confused times. I almost sobbed earlier here at the desk in work because everyone was being so nice I couldnt really believe it. Honestly, in some ways I can say it changed my life a little bit. I dont know what I wouldve done without this hindsight. I probably wouldve continued into this downward spiral of self hate and helplessness and who knows what things would be like now.

Leaving work in an hour and a half and we'll see how things play out, but I am ready to, very unfortunately, move on... Never thought this would happen but this is life. Third time I've fallen in love and convinced myself she was the one. lol how many times is it gonna take! As many as it needs I guess

Semele

KeepMessingUP wrote: »

She said she just wanted me to tell her that she's a nice girl and she's loved etc etc etc and to just be nice to her. This morning when we spooned I told her she was a legend and and a great person so and so forth. When she was at the library and feeling ill I told her she's a star for going in and that she'll do just fine on her exams et cetera.

Jesus, OP. This bit actually made me cringe. Does that sound like the behaviour of an adult woman? "A nice girl"?! She wants a cheerleader, not a boyfriend. Why should she be told how nice she is when she's not being nice, or be appreciated as a "star" and a "legend" for just attending to her basic responsibilities- responsibilities that are entirely her business and that no one else benefits from!


There are some serious issues there in my opinion. Otherwise I'm glad you're out of it- it's horrible now because you're still in her world of drama and mindf*ckery but once you get a bit of distance you'll realise just how mad it was. Tell people though, please. You need someone else to help you reality-check while you're this vulnerable

Obliq

KeepMessingUp wrote: »

I gotta say, I have taken everything I have read on board here. The way I view her and this relationship has completely changed. I will be honest, and before I go further don't think I am sucking up, I think there is more to this than meets boardsies eyes. This woman has really helped me out throughout our relationship and made a lot of sacrifices for me. I do understand her view point, and can especially see why she'd be upset especially since she doesn't have anyone close here in Cork. I do see why she'd be tired and fed up after all this inconsideration. The fact that she has stuck with me after these years and through many more fúck ups by myself (I haven't told you guys half of it) and still believes we can work, and not only believes but genuinely wants to.

I mean there has been occassions like this where she sincerely apologizes for acting like a dragon lady and she has acknowledged she can be very hard on me and wants me to tell her if she's bringing down my self esteem and how I think about myself (which she has...). She often asks how I have so much patience with her.

Now, that said I can see from another perspective how tough and demanding and melodramatic she can be. Almost too much. In retrospect I am amazed my eyes haven't popped out of my head in frustration yet. I can see how I've belittled myself so much and made myself feel so bad and how that is extremely unhealthy.

But, I am going to give her a text and go home and give this ONE final shot. I have kind of accepted this probably won't work and have mentally started to accept it is time to move on. But there's no harm in trying once more. I have this wonderful hindsight you have given me and I refuse to let her mentally make me bully myself. I will of course try to be more considerate and selfless, but like I said I'm not going to stand and take the abuse anymore.

I don't have much faith or hope, but she still does, I think anyways. Even if it doesn't work out there's no harm in letting this end as smoothly and amicably as possible as opposed to just telling her it's over then grabbing my stuff and disappearing. We have been through way too much together for it to end like this so if it does more than likely end, I will do my best to make it the least dramatic and emotionally negative as possible because we've been through enough. I still want her to be happy at the end of the day, as I do myself.

I would also just like to give a massive thanks to everyone here too. It's really changed a lot of things and helped me out when I felt admittedly at one of my most loneliest confused times. I almost sobbed earlier here at the desk in work because everyone was being so nice I couldnt really believe it. Honestly, in some ways I can say it changed my life a little bit. I dont know what I wouldve done without this hindsight. I probably wouldve continued into this downward spiral of self hate and helplessness and who knows what things would be like now.

Leaving work in an hour and a half and we'll see how things play out, but I am ready to, very unfortunately, move on... Never thought this would happen but this is life. Third time I've fallen in love and convinced myself she was the one. lol how many times is it gonna take! As many as it needs I guess

Best of luck pet. Mind yerself and please talk to your Mam

Penny Tration

Best of luck, op.

I don't doubt for a second that she has all of the good points you've mentioned. I really don't.

There has to come a point, however, where you decide how much crap you're willing to take, for the glimmers of perfection you occasionally see.

It sounds as though you've realised that yourself, so I wish you all the best. I hope that whatever happens, you're both happy. I think your last post was eloquently and maturely written, by the way.

Just don't let her bring you down anymore. If you stay together, I think you should suggest counselling for her (some for you yourself may not be a bad idea either tbh).

I'm glad the posts here helped you.

I know it's not your birthday anymore, but try find a day this week to celebrate it and just enjoy yourself.

Best of luck.

Obliq is right OP, talk to your mum because you need support and your mum loves you - she just told you so .

And please don't take some of the earlier negative replies to this thread to heart. You're obviously a decent guy who's worn out trying to do the right thing. I hope for both your sakes that your gf doesn't just apologise, but changes her behaviour. And I hope you hang on to the knowledge and insight you've gained here. You deserve better, and if your best isn't good enough for your gf then let it go.

Stand firm though, don't let yourself fall into the habit of being the fall guy or of backing down all the time to avoid her temper.

Best of luck, and every happiness in the future.

Obliq

Candie wrote: »

I hope for both your sakes that your gf doesn't just apologise, but changes your her behaviour.

Fixed your post Candie!

Obliq

Obliq wrote: »

Fixed your post Candie!

Me too

Big Bag of Chips

KeepMessingUp wrote: »

...she... wants me to tell her if she's bringing down my self esteem and how I think about myself (which she has...).

Ya see, this is the bit that is worrying me. This is a very strange thing to say to a partner. Why on earth would anyone in a relationship ever say this to someone, or think it of themselves, unless they knew they were bullying you? I would never ever in all my life, ever feel the need to say this to anyone... Especially the man I claim to love.

Bizarre.

Couples argue. That happens. But it is actually possible to disagree with someone or let someone know they've upset you without "bringing down their self-esteem and how they think about themselves." I feel that even asking you that question is more sinister than it seems. It's not about being worried about you, and how you feel. It's like she knows she is making you feel like this, and enjoys the control she has over you. So you don't buy great birthday presents.. not ideal (for her) but not 'damaging'.
She is knowingly knocking your confidence and destroying your self-esteem... That's on a whole other level.

She knows she's a bitch to you. I thinkyou are focusing too much on the normal aspects of the relationship and making them out to be some big grand gestures, when in fact they are just normal in a normal everyday relationship. Helping and supporting your partner is normal. It is not "your partner being so good to you"... It's simply your partner being your partner.

Someone mentioned earlier that she seems to want a cheerleader to congratulate her for going about her average, daily, adult life. And that's what she wants and that's what she has you doing. You see the very basics of a relationship that she offers you, as her being "so good" to you. It's not!! It's the minimum expected in any relationship. Going in to college and getting on with her work even if you're a bit sick is what people do. And she has you congratulating her for it??? It is attention seeking at best, and deliberately humiliating you at worst. And if she was really *that* sick, then going in to college was a stupid thing to do and also attention seeking.

I hope when you do finish with her and start a normal, average everyday relationship you will realise just how bad this relationship was. I hope you are both very young, with not a whole lot of adult relationship experience, and neither of you know any better. And I hope you both learn a lot from this one and don't make the same mistakes in the next one.

Good luck, OP, I have a feeling you'll need it.

ABajaninCork

OP - Have a read of this thread.

Got me thinking this might also apply to you. Any of this seem familiar?