Should we break up?

LegacyUser

MauraTheThird wrote: »

I honestly would not be able for all that drama, how is your head not done in yet?

On a serious note, is there any chance that your girlfriend might be suffering from depression? My sister would have mood swings like your girlfriend where she's absolutely fine and happy and the best person in the whole wide world and then the "demon" almost comes out and she is like a different person! She's moody, grouchy and can take things that have happened completely personally.

That said, if you're messing up like you say; forgetting birthdays, Christmas etc, I'd be annoyed if I was your girlfriend too. But to hold it over your head constantly is not fair either. She can't say that it's ok and then to cause so many arguments about it!

Obliq wrote: »

Aw mate...First off, you sound nice. I think your girlfriend actually blows seriously hot and cold, and has you mightily confused. She's probably proper confused herself, but it is starting to sound like something you can't fix hon. I honestly think you need to protect yourself, and stop believing that you're being bad to her, but acknowledge that you clearly can't get it right with her. It may not be you at all - you simply sound confused as to how best to treat her and her unpredictability. Please tell her you're not a bad person - she should hear that, and that you don't like hearing that you're bad to her. It's not fair on you.

Candie wrote: »

You're not ****ing up, you're being wrong-footed all the time. Take that on board too.

Your girlfriend might be a nice person most of the time, but she's treating you badly and making you believe you're being cruel and selfish. That is a mind-wreck and quite frankly she sounds exactly what she's accusing you of. Selfish, cruel, thoughtless and self-centred. You have your faults but they are nowhere NEAR deserving of all this drama and attention seeking.

I hope you come to realise that in your own time, but you're on the receiving end of some high-end passive-aggressive manipulation there.

Thanks guys... I am definitely in the wrong here but sometimes I feel these constant mood swings and unpredictability aren't helping either. I feel like everything I'm doing is wrong wrong wrong. I really just have no idea what to do anymore. I'm obviously not gonna buy her anymore gifts because right now it would feel genuinely insincere and obviously trying to suck up. I dont know what to say to her anymore, Ive told her all morning how good she is (at least I feel I have) and how she's going to ace her exams et cetera but it's not met with any happy responses (not that I'm expecting it to though). I am freaking out a little bit about going home in half an hour. I dont know what to do or say. Do I just act normal? Things are apparently normal, but cold. I feel like there's a key phrase I should be saying, something that just hasn't occurred to me. Something I'm probably being too selfish to see. I don't know anymore, just really don't. She's cooked dinner and everything and downloaded the new GoT so it seems like it will be a normal night but I just know and feel deep down that it's going to implode... I'm not gonna have said the right thing or done the right thing.

And Maura, yes, she said herself and has the past 2ish weeks she thinks she's getting depressed - she has too much free time she's on her study period and after exams she'll have holidays. We don't know a lot of people down here and so don't have many close friends so we're both a bit lonely. I'm sure this definitely contributes to the drama.

My girlfriend IS a really, really nice person. But she is known to have a short temper and can be very fiery. It runs in her family and it's no secret amongst us and friends, it's one of her personality traits. Pair that with someone as clumsy as me and it does not mix well lol!

Here's to hoping things will normalize tonight. Thank you again to everyone!

MauraTheThird

KeepMessingUp wrote: »

And Maura, yes, she said herself and has the past 2ish weeks she thinks she's getting depressed - she has too much free time she's on her study period and after exams she'll have holidays. We don't know a lot of people down here and so don't have many close friends so we're both a bit lonely. I'm sure this definitely contributes to the drama.

My girlfriend IS a really, really nice person. But she is known to have a short temper and can be very fiery. It runs in her family and it's no secret amongst us and friends, it's one of her personality traits. Pair that with someone as clumsy as me and it does not mix well lol!

Here's to hoping things will normalize tonight. Thank you again to everyone!

I'm the sort of person who HATES it when someone has a bad personality trait like being short-tempered and fiery but them being an ass or whatever is accepted because "It's just the way they are". People can control tempers when they need to, it being a "trait" is not an ok reason being a bitch. If your girlfriend has a problem, she should be grown up enough to not throw a strop whenever, regardless of personality traits imo.

She really does sound down and I know medical advice is not given here, but if she's feeling that down that it's affecting both yer lives; she should do something about it. it's not your job to try and fix her, to tiptoe around her to not to upset her.

That said, ye have had a lot of upheaval in the last few weeks and I can kindof see why she'd feel down, not that I think she's being fair on you.

She has no friends here bar you and she probably has felt let down that she doesn't have anyone around and you still couldn't try for her birthday. I could see why that'd get anyone down, especially if you are already lonely. Is she trying to do anything with her time bar studying? Sitting at home constantly dwelling on her thoughts is probably why she is being so flippant with her feelings. She probably does forgive you for X but then spends all day at home by herself, and overthinks it in her head to the point that she's mad about it again, without you even being there.

Is there counselling available in her college? Talking through her feelings would probably help coming up her exams, when stress is only going to make this problem worse.

Obliq

KeepMessingUp wrote: »

Thanks guys... I am definitely in the wrong here but sometimes I feel these constant mood swings and unpredictability aren't helping either. I feel like everything I'm doing is wrong wrong wrong. I really just have no idea what to do anymore. I'm obviously not gonna buy her anymore gifts because right now it would feel genuinely insincere and obviously trying to suck up. I dont know what to say to her anymore, Ive told her all morning how good she is (at least I feel I have) and how she's going to ace her exams et cetera but it's not met with any happy responses (not that I'm expecting it to though). I am freaking out a little bit about going home in half an hour. I dont know what to do or say. Do I just act normal? Things are apparently normal, but cold. I feel like there's a key phrase I should be saying, something that just hasn't occurred to me. Something I'm probably being too selfish to see. I don't know anymore, just really don't. She's cooked dinner and everything and downloaded the new GoT so it seems like it will be a normal night but I just know and feel deep down that it's going to implode... I'm not gonna have said the right thing or done the right thing.

And Maura, yes, she said herself and has the past 2ish weeks she thinks she's getting depressed - she has too much free time she's on her study period and after exams she'll have holidays. We don't know a lot of people down here and so don't have many close friends so we're both a bit lonely. I'm sure this definitely contributes to the drama.

My girlfriend IS a really, really nice person. But she is known to have a short temper and can be very fiery. It runs in her family and it's no secret amongst us and friends, it's one of her personality traits. Pair that with someone as clumsy as me and it does not mix well lol!

Here's to hoping things will normalize tonight. Thank you again to everyone!

Jaysus pet, stop being so hard on yourself The blank looks, the mood swings and the drama ARE NOT YOUR FAULT. When you're with someone depressed, or who depends on other people for their emotional well-being, you CAN'T get it right, no matter what you do. This is a well known phenomenon.

I hope you have a good night, but ultimately OP, this blame game is no good for you and you are not expressing that to her. You're in a panic now about going home, but you're not going home to your mam like a child caught out in a lie, you are going home to your gf who persists in making you feel like sh1t, because she feels like sh1t. Time to look after yourself - bad presents/no presents are not a deal breaker if there's a good relationship underneath all the trappings. I don't think you have one, and it's NOT all your fault. Good luck.

midlandsmissus

I've changed my mind. She is also being controlling and manipulative, andis taking her problems out on you. Don't blame yourself. Have a look at her and a look at your situation and see what is best for you both.

KeepMessingUp

KeepMessingUp wrote: »

it seems like it will be a normal night but I just know and feel deep down that it's going to implode... I'm not gonna have said the right thing or done the right thing.

And Maura, yes, she said herself and has the past 2ish weeks she thinks she's getting depressed - she has too much free time she's on her study period and after exams she'll have holidays. We don't know a lot of people down here and so don't have many close friends so we're both a bit lonely. I'm sure this definitely contributes to the drama.

My girlfriend IS a really, really nice person. But she is known to have a short temper and can be very fiery. It runs in her family and it's no secret amongst us and friends, it's one of her personality traits. Pair that with someone as clumsy as me and it does not mix well lol!

Here's to hoping things will normalize tonight. Thank you again to everyone!

This passage is very worrying. You're not her whipping boy and no one should ever be walking on eggshells for fear their partner will explode on them.

Temper is something people can learn to control. You should be important enough for her to not want to lose it with you, but instead you're convinced you deserve it.

Who told you you were clumsy? Or selfish? Or any of the other unflattering things you've said about yourself in all your posts?

Viciousness isnt' someone's personality - it's a choice.

Please rethink what you're allowing her to get away with here, because if this was a girl feeling like sh!t because her boyfriend didn't feel his gifts were good enough, or was walking on eggshells and afraid of his temper, there would be many posts worded a lot differently here. Your situation isn't right, and your self esteem and peace of mind are under attack.

midlandsmissus

Nobody should ever be afraid of their partner. She's flipping out on you and then telling you it's your fault. All the language in the first post 'and then I was great to myself on my own birthday' I'd say came from her, not how you would have described it. Im not saying your girlfriend is all bad but she is showing emotionally manipulative traits, probably because she feels bad about herself. You need to have a big talk with her, because this situation isn't good for both of you. Good luck.

Big Bag of Chips

If a girl was posting saying she was always fking up, and making her bf mad, and doesn't appreciate him enough, and when things are good they're great, but sometimes she's afraid to go home because she knows it's all going to blow up out of nowhere - every single reply would be...

You are in an abusive relationship. Get out.

I don't know if you're in an abusive relationship, but you are certainly in a manipulative one. It's up to you what you do now. But 2-3 weeks of good times followed by a major row, on a repeat cycle, isn't my idea of a fun relationship.

bagofweasels

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I don't know if you're in an abusive relationship, but you are certainly in a manipulative one. It's up to you what you do now. But 2-3 weeks of good times followed by a major row, on a repeat cycle, isn't my idea of a fun relationship.

Food for thought there OP. There's too much drama involved. Birthdays and Chritmas come and go, I always think it's what a person does the other 364/363 days of the year that really matter.

Legs.Eleven

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If a girl was posting saying she was always fking up, and making her bf mad, and doesn't appreciate him enough, and when things are good they're great, but sometimes she's afraid to go home because she knows it's all going to blow up out of nowhere - every single reply would be...

You are in an abusive relationship. Get out.

I don't know if you're in an abusive relationship, but you are certainly in a manipulative one. It's up to you what you do now. But 2-3 weeks of good times followed by a major row, on a repeat cycle, isn't my idea of a fun relationship.

I think you're right. I originally agreed that the OP was being thoughtless and should just get his thumb out and change but the more he posts, the more I'm getting a clearer picture of the craic here. I know that kind of woman and this never ever ends well. That level of moodiness that make someone doubt themselves to the degree you're doubting yourself now is a major red flag.

Beyond the laughs you have together, the relationships sounds ridiculously unhealthy; you seem to be admitting you're wrong for things you're not even guilty of. You're putting yourself down to an unjustified degree here and OP, this is not what love should be, believe me. You should feel the person you're with brings out the very best in you and perhaps sees the very best in you that others don't. You have to ask yourself if you believe that's all you're worth.

Really think hard about your happiness and what YOU want from all this, OP, because at your age, it shouldn't be this tough.

retro:electro

I'm sorry but your girlfriend sounds like a drama queen, telling you she'll put it behind her and then finding her on the couch crying listening to soppy songs. I'd be inclined to think that she likes making you feel miserable and guilty, believe me some girls are like that.

Edit: you don't sound all that bad, a bit foolish and forgetful but you sound like a nice caring person which should mean more than a lavish gift on her bday. She is carrying on like she caught you cheating on her or something to that extreme.

ABajaninCork

Oh blimey! I got tired reading this thread...

Personally, I think you're as bad as each other. OP - you and your girl probably DO love each other. But I think BOTH of you get off on the drama, fighting and then the making up. You seem like a nice boy, but by your own admission, you don't always show appreciation or make your girl feel appreciated.

She on the other hand is a complete drama queen. Blows hot and cold, crying fits and moods. If that were me, I would've hit the road ever since. And I'm a woman!! The pair of you need to mature a little.

Do yourselves a favour and split up for God's sake. Both of you are far too young for this rubbish!

ShaunaLouise92

If you know what the problem is then why do you keep messing up?

I'm sure you love the girl in your own strange way but come on man, that's ridiculous.

She will eventually cop on and break up with you if you don't start chasing your ways.

loubian

KeepMessingUp wrote: »

Im not sure what to do anymore. Ive been going out with my girlfriend for 2 years and weve had such an amazing experience together. Weve traveled the world, been to loads of festivals, live together and just had such a wonderful time. So many ups, but also so many downs. And I mean a lot, and very down downs.

Im not sure how to phrase this exactly but I cant stop fúcking up. Yesterday was her birthday and I managed to mess it up yet again. You see she is the first person Ive ever really had to buy presents for/celebrate birthdays for (outside of parties with friends etc), because I come from a poor family and we never do the whole buy presents thing. Now just because I dont give a shít about Christmas that doesnt mean that she doesnt. The first Christmas together I didnt buy her anything. That upset her but she shrugged it off. Next comes her birthday and I bought some half assed presents the day of her birthday, too little too late (while I went out and treated myself, because my birthday is just after hers). We were in Asia at the time and we ended up having a huge argument. It was awful. We nearly broke up.

Fast forward all of that and youre at last Christmas, and guess again, I bought some half assed presents a little too late. This is all the while both she and her family buy me loads of presents and gifts and cards. She is very upset, especially since I have a full time job and shes on BTEA, and we have a huge argument and I apologize and tell her next time I'll make much more of an effort to show I really do appreciate her. Now, fast forward to last Friday and it's the night before her birthday. She has lots of study to do she says shes gonna stay in but doesnt mind if I go out. I end up going out, getting quite drunk and coming home. I fall asleep on the couch in the dark. She stayed up waiting for me and then she comes into the living room and asks why am I sleeping on the couch when I should be in bed cuddling my girlfriend on her birthday? I dont have much recollection of this but apparently I flipped out and acted a total cúnt and we had a huge argument till 5am. Saturday morning I have to go to work but I'm done by 1pm. I go to town and buy her her gifts and come back but of course this doesn't suffice. She is still very upset with me and spends her whole day crying, her birthday...

I didn't budget or plan anything in advance. I didnt put any bit of effort into it. The one day where were meant to show appreciation and love for your loved one I didnt do a thing. That's 2 Christmases and 2 birthdays in a row absolutely fúcked up. Yet again, I managed to cause a massive row.

I accept I am selfish and highly inconsiderate but Im not trying to be. I really amnt. Its not even just Christmas and birthday, every 3 weeks we seem to have some big argument because I end up doing something fúcking stupid out of my own thoughtlessness and selfishness. I keep prioritizing what I want to do and not her. I keep hurting her and ruining days for her.

When were not rowing we get on a like a house on fire. Honestly, we have so much fun and laugh all the time and are so comfortable around each other, its amazing. But it keeps happening. I keep messing up. I keep doing something unbelievably thoughtless and we have a huge argument as a result. Then we patch things up, get on great for 3-4 weeks then it happens again. But this time, for her birthday, for the 4th time in a row, this really hurt her. It really hurt her. She said she has lost a lot of respect for me. She says that she's going to "ban" me from celebrating Christmas and her birthday anymore, because I keep fúcking it up monumentally.

I dont want to keep hurting her. I love her so much and I want her to be happy but I feel like I'm ultimately making her unhappy. She puts a lot of effort into showing how much she appreciates me but I just never seem to reciprocate. I dont want to hurt her anymore but its literally 2 Christmases and 2 birthdays too many.

I dont know what to do if we do break up. We both moved to this city recently and dont know many people. She is going to uni here and Im working. All my friends from home have moved away. I cant live at my mothers house. I just dunno where Ill go or what Ill do without her.

I just dont know anymore. Things are so good between us yet at the same time bad. The past 6 months have just been marked by loads of fun broken up by intense arguments. The past 2 years with her have been amazing but I dont want to keep messing up and hurting her, I just want her to be happy

Im going to work on not being so selfish and inconsiderate but it feels too late (story of her life...). I dont want to turn this into a huge wall of text so Im going to leave it at this for now, but do tell what you think of this situation and whats best...

Sounds like you're writing this from her perspective.

Does she know you come from a poor family? Do you have decent money now?

Why do you think you only buy her half arsed gifts?

If you aren't spending extravagantly on yourself, it shouldn't matter too much what the present is, it's the thought that counts.

Can you talk to her about this? Ask her what she'd like for her birthday instead of just picking at random, n if she says something that's out of your price range, just tell her you would love to buy it for her but you just can't afford it at the moment! Or even ask her a month in advance so you get a chance to save!

Good luck!

LegacyUser

Well here I am guys. In a hostel.

Arrived home earlier on and things were cold and tense. Not much conversation besides questions and answers about simple things. Prior to this she was on Facebook typing furiously to her sister. After a while we ate and sat down and watched Game of Thrones together. Things started to settle down and ease into normality and things seemed ok. She wanted me to read out her essay she had written for her exam tomorrow so I sat down and listened. That was grand. I did a 12 hour shift today and will do another tomorrow so I am exhausted. I yawned and she asked if I was going to bed. I said probably.

Then she said "Ok, so when is this thing between us going to end?" I told her I wanted it to end and am ready to move on. She told me how can it end when I haven't even done what she asked me - to show her some appreciation and recognition. She said she just wanted me to tell her that she's a nice girl and she's loved etc etc etc and to just be nice to her. This morning when we spooned I told her she was a legend and and a great person so and so forth. When she was at the library and feeling ill I told her she's a star for going in and that she'll do just fine on her exams et cetera. I tried giving her suggestions on how she can feel better. Offered to cancel my overtime either tonight or tomorrow so I can look after her if needs be. I told her I'm trying to be nice to her, trying to make her feel comfortable and trying to show I love her. She sarcastically congratulated me on doing the basic level of concern one would expect in a relationship.

Just went on another rant on how all I do is think about myself and how I can't prioritize anyone else's happiness but my own and all that stuff again. I couldn't hack it anymore, I really just could not. My mind is fried from so much drama over the weekend and also from working so much. Did 3 12 hour shifts last week, OT on Saturday, did a 12 hour shift today and will do a 12 hour shift every day this week. I am wrecked. I just couldn't argue right then and there. I started to make a bed on the couch and she kept going on about the usual. She told me to go get a hostel - I pointed out to her I'm broke so she said I'll give you the money to which I took, I think she was taken back by this. I packed my lunch, got my work badge, packed a small bag and left. Before I left she said "This relationship is ending and it's your choice". Going to stay in a hostel again tomorrow night then afterwards see if I can crash at one of the few friends I have whom I dont know that well...

When we were "talking" I had this thread in the back of my mind. I started to think I can't do this anymore. Can't take being told I'm ****ing everything up all the time and that I'm being so self-centered when I feel like I'm just trying to ease back into normalizing things. She has sent me 2 big long texts since saying the usual stuff but I haven't responded.

So I guess you guys are right... Looks like it's over. When things are good between us they are great but what's the point if every few weeks this drama just explodes and repeats itself? I have no idea what to do now. I want to stay in this city, I've grown cozy here. I can't move home, can't move back to Galway, can't go anywhere else so I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up and stay here and get on with my life.

Can't bare the thought of going into work tomorrow or the whole week. Just so tired and don't know what to do or say or think anymore. I want her to be happy too but I can't seem to do anything right. Maybe I am honestly just a self centered c.unt who cant think of anyone but myself or maybe you guys are right and she is a melodramatic queen. Honestly it's probably both. Don't have the energy for this anymore so I will leave it at this. Have to get up in 6 hours so I'm going to use the rest of this 15 minutes of internet I paid for then call it a night.

beks101

Christ on a bike. She sounds like seriously hard work. The walking on egg shells, the fear of going home because of how she might react to something seemingly trivial, the mood swings and cold shoulders and easing off only to lay on hard again...

I'm utterly bemused by her need for you to "show your appreciation for her" - what the absolute F does that mean? Bow down before her? Get down on your knees? Tell her you think she's absolutely smashing and amazing and all kinds of wonderful, only to have her throw it all back in your face by saying it's cringey and "making her skin crawl"?

Honestly OP, I think you have this girl way way WAY up on a pedestal and you've let her get inside your head and truly believe that a few stupid mistakes on your part mean you're a horribly selfish, clumsy, inconsiderate and incompetent boyfriend who's not worthy of her. And all of that shows exactly how finely she has emotionally manipulated you.

Have you ever stopped for a second to consider exactly WHY you seem to be resisting her 'rules' for what makes you a good boyfriend - i.e lavishing presents and making an uber super big deal of her birthday and bending to her every beck and call? Have you ever considered the fact that maybe - maybe - underneath it all you're resentful of her and her stupid 'rules' for your relationship that have no regard for your own nature or personality? That maybe you simply don't WANT to compromise yourself and do what she says when she says it because fundamentally it's not how you're wired and you do enough of a job of placating her moods and tiptoeing around her most of the time as it is?

That's the vibe I'm getting from all of this to be honest. That underneath it all you're not that happy with her rules and mood swings and narrow ways of measuring your love for her - because it simply doesn't fit in with your values.

Because really OP, if you wanted her badly enough and really felt that she was worth it - the answer to your problem would be quite simple, wouldn't it?

I really think you need to have a good hard think about all of this and really consider whether or not your girlfriend is someone you can actually be happy with - not for a fleeting week here or there - but really, truly, happy, secure and comfortable with in the long run.

ABajaninCork

I think you've done the right thing. Stay in the hostel/mate's sofa's for now. You need to rest, and concentrate on your work. That's your priority right now. Without money, you can't get together a deposit for something more permanent.

Leave it for a few days and let the water settle. You need to get your head together. Don't contact her until you feel ready. If at all...

She is so demanding that it's destroying you and your self esteem and to be honest you sound so caring and nice.

I'm delighted you're out of it. She is showing her true colours by how she's now handling this, and while she's likely to change tactic and be all apologetic and make promises to behave, it's going to be to get you back for some further emotional abuse to make herself feel important. Don't sacrifice your own sanity or happiness to this any more, she's gaslighting you and it's taken a toll, as we can see from all the derogatory terms you've used to describe yourself.

Keep strong and get out, rest and get over it all. And next time, make sure you find someone who deserves you, you're a nice guy, a thoughtful guy, and a kind guy. Not that other stuff.

Penny Tration

Jesus, op

Your first post made you sound like a selfish git, but the rest of your posts.... Jesus, you have the patience of a saint.


You're not a cnut. Far from it. You tried to show and tell her how much you cared, and she threw it back in your face.

I'm sure it hurts like hell, but stay broken up. You deserve more than her awful mind games.

pharmaton

thread makes me want to never have a relationship ever

Obliq

Oh you poor thing Don't be shy to tell a few acquaintances in work that you're staying in a hostel, having left your gf. Maybe they'll give you some options...

Jaysus, I'd help you out myself except that I'm near Galway. For your own sake though OP, don't accept her back. The things she's been saying are toxic to your emotional health and I'm glad you didn't just stand there and take it when she dished it out again last night - I'm glad we helped you hold that thought in the back of your mind that you don't have to take that drama and abuse anymore. Proud of ya OP, but worried. Hope you get sorted with somewhere you can stay until you can scrape together a deposit (and maybe somewhere for your stuff from the flat ASAP - I wouldn't trust her with it).

What city are you in?

December2012

While her behaviour is similar to a drama queen it is also similar to somebody who has had to put up with inconsiderate and unloving behaviour.

She's doing exams and is bound to be stressed. You're tired and bound to be stressed by the rows.

Your problem appears to be miscommunication but you also had your part to play by being hurtful. Even if it doesn't matter to you, it mattered to her and THAT should've mattered to you.

December2012

December2012 wrote: »

While her behaviour is similar to a drama queen it is also similar to somebody who has had to put up with inconsiderate and unloving behaviour.

She's doing exams and is bound to be stressed. You're tired and bound to be stressed by the rows.

Your problem appears to be miscommunication but you also had your part to play by being hurtful. Even if it doesn't matter to you, it mattered to her and THAT should've mattered to you.

He's afraid to go home because of the possible explosion. That doesn't seem to matter to her.

He's not her whipping boy, no matter how stressed she is. None of that matters to her.

If his behaviour is unloving, what's hers?

I can't help but see what I consider to be victim blaming here. This guy has been convinced of his worthlessness because he's not worshipping his gf to her liking in either an emotional or material sense.

He's well out of it, she's been gaslighting and emotionally abusing him to the extent that he feels he's a bad human being and he's afraid of her moods and explosions. Because her presents weren't up to scratch and he wasn't pandering to her every mood.

If the genders were reversed the posts referring to the OP as selfish, cruel, unloving and self centred would be jumped on in outrage instead of ganged up on and reinforced. Rightly so.

ElleEm

OP, I was pretty harsh on you in my earlier posts, but with your latest revelations, it seems like your girlfriend is drama mad. How dare she tell you to leave your own home!
She seems quite controlling and it certainly seems like you are not right for each other.

LegacyUser

First off I'd just like to say thanks again for listening and I do apologize for turning this into an unncessarily long thread and a whinefest... I just have no one else to talk to about this except her and I really can't do that anymore. Most of my friends have moved abroad, the ones I have here in Cork I don't know that well so talking to them about it would be really weird. I'm not on that level with my parents to be able to talk about this, nor my sister...

Obliq, thanks for the hypothetical offer, appreciated! I am in Cork city. So while I was on boards last night at the hostel I had left my phone charging in the room. While that was going on she had asked me if I had somewhere to stay etc. When she didn't get a response she started to get worried sick and called about 9 times. When I got back I told her I had found a room. She texted me 10 minutes later saying she doesnt want this to continue on and wants to be friends (in the sense of making up, not breaking up). I was lying in bed and thinking what life would be like without her and I admit I let my emotions get the better of me and I texted her back saying I love you. She said she's sorry for a not so happy birthday (my birthday today (not that thats relevant)) and that she wishes I was there and that she just wants things to go back to normal and for us to be happy again. She did manage to squeeze in that it sucks she tried so hard to get me to be nice to her but "whatever", that kind of annoyed me. Didnt really respond after, but still finished on good terms.

She texted me again this morning saying that if we want this to work this is what she wants out for me. Basically saying that I need to acknowledge the hurt I've put her through, need to show more appreciation beyond texting her and offering to leave work for her and to leave my ego at the door and prioritize her happiness instead for a while etc etc and If I cant do this then we still have serious problems etc. I still cant hack it. I came into work 2 hours late this morning because I was lying in bed till 3am this morning. Some drunken eejits came in at 4am and kept me up. Had to drag myself out of bed at 8am even though thats when Im meant to start.

At work now and I checked my emails. My Mam sent me an email wishing me happy birthday and saying she loves me, I dont know why but that made me burst into tears and I had to hide in the bathroom for a while.

My head is spinning, I should text her back and I want to be with her still and I really do want to make her happy and let her know she is a good person and she's loved but I can't do it under these circumstances and I don't want to things to patch up just for them to melt into shít again. Do you know how hard it is to try and tell someone they're appreciated when they're forcing you to do it? I guess that is ultimately my fault though. Wouldn't be in this situation if I had been more considerate in the first place I guess.

Can't think, should do some actual work so I can not think for a while.

Magicmatilda

The pet shop boys once had a song called - I donlt know what you want but I can't give it anymore. Seems appropriate here. If you have any contact with her I would recommend that be it.

Has she every clarified what exactly she meant by appreciating her? I'm curious myself.

Its like she needs to have someone there constantly building up her self esteem because it is obviousley very low. It is not your job, or anyone elses to do that. She needs to do that herself.

At somepoint you should make it clear to her why you left and won't be going back, if only for her own personal growth.

Reach out to the people you do know. If you are working that much you should be able to get yourself a room in a shared house soon. Were you living together? you will need to sort that out and give her notice that you won't be paying rent again.

Magicmatilda

Jesus - Yesterday was your birthday and she didn't even do anything for it other than kick you out of your home. Stay away from her OP, I know it is hard but you need to take some time and space on your own. Find a room to rent on daft or through friends and start making more friends there. Also given you mums email - maybe call your mum and tell her, she loves you and wants to support you. Let her. There is a girl out there who is just as much fun as her but with far less abuse. Go find her...

KeepMessingUp

KeepMessingUp wrote: »

She said she's sorry for a not so happy birthday (my birthday today (not that thats relevant)) and that she wishes I was there and that she just wants things to go back to normal and for us to be happy again. She did manage to squeeze in that it sucks she tried so hard to get me to be nice to her but "whatever", that kind of annoyed me. Didnt really respond after, but still finished on good terms.

She texted me again this morning saying that if we want this to work this is what she wants out for me. Basically saying that I need to acknowledge the hurt I've put her through, need to show more appreciation beyond texting her and offering to leave work for her and to leave my ego at the door and prioritize her happiness instead for a while etc etc and If I cant do this then we still have serious problems etc. I still cant hack it. I came into work 2 hours late this morning because I was lying in bed till 3am this morning. Some drunken eejits came in at 4am and kept me up. Had to drag myself out of bed at 8am even though thats when Im meant to start.

At work now and I checked my emails. My Mam sent me an email wishing me happy birthday and saying she loves me, I dont know why but that made me burst into tears and I had to hide in the bathroom for a while.

My head is spinning, I should text her back and I want to be with her still and I really do want to make her happy and let her know she is a good person and she's loved but I can't do it under these circumstances and I don't want to things to patch up just for them to melt into shít again. Do you know how hard it is to try and tell someone they're appreciated when they're forcing you to do it? I guess that is ultimately my fault though. Wouldn't be in this situation if I had been more considerate in the first place I guess.

Can't think, should do some actual work so I can not think for a while.

What a entitled, selfish brat she is.

After putting you through hell she puts you through this on YOUR birthday? Seriously, I'm worried you can't see how she's abusing you. She's refusing to take any responsibility for the situation and is convincing you - AGAIN - that you're at fault. What a piece of work.

She's playing the martyr again, and passive aggressively going for your jugular. This is a toxic person who is using your feelings to abuse and manipulate you, she is not a good person, she's a very nasty and selfish person, please don't sacrifice more of your life to her.

Btw, this isn't your fault. It's the fault of a person who will never be satisfied, for whom no validation is enough, and for whom you're a background against which she'll crush your self esteem down to elevate her own.

Her behaviour is that of an abuser. Not this lovely girl she's making you tell her she is. What appreciation do you ever get? We've had a glimpse of the verbal abuse you do get, how long before her frustrations at your 'selfishness' makes her last out with her hot temper a handy excuse. It'll happen, and she'll tell you that you drove her to it.

Tokyo

Hi OP,

as other posters have pointed out, what you describe could be classed as an abusive relationship. Such a relationship doesn't have to have physical abuse as a component - psychological abuse can be just as damaging, if not moreso.

With that in mind, it may not be a bad idea to contact AMEN - it's a voluntary organisation which provides a confidential helpline, information and a support service for people in your situation. They've also dealt with people in a similar situation to you many times before, and will be able to give you advice on the next steps to take with your relationship, including how to deal with moving out and moving on, if it comes to that. Even if that's not you want right now, sometimes it's good just to hear an understanding voice at the other end of the phone.

Good luck.

loubian

KeepMessingUp wrote: »

First off I'd just like to say thanks again for listening and I do apologize for turning this into an unncessarily long thread and a whinefest... I just have no one else to talk to about this except her and I really can't do that anymore. Most of my friends have moved abroad, the ones I have here in Cork I don't know that well so talking to them about it would be really weird. I'm not on that level with my parents to be able to talk about this, nor my sister...

Obliq, thanks for the hypothetical offer, appreciated! I am in Cork city. So while I was on boards last night at the hostel I had left my phone charging in the room. While that was going on she had asked me if I had somewhere to stay etc. When she didn't get a response she started to get worried sick and called about 9 times. When I got back I told her I had found a room. She texted me 10 minutes later saying she doesnt want this to continue on and wants to be friends (in the sense of making up, not breaking up). I was lying in bed and thinking what life would be like without her and I admit I let my emotions get the better of me and I texted her back saying I love you. She said she's sorry for a not so happy birthday (my birthday today (not that thats relevant)) and that she wishes I was there and that she just wants things to go back to normal and for us to be happy again. She did manage to squeeze in that it sucks she tried so hard to get me to be nice to her but "whatever", that kind of annoyed me. Didnt really respond after, but still finished on good terms.

She texted me again this morning saying that if we want this to work this is what she wants out for me. Basically saying that I need to acknowledge the hurt I've put her through, need to show more appreciation beyond texting her and offering to leave work for her and to leave my ego at the door and prioritize her happiness instead for a while etc etc and If I cant do this then we still have serious problems etc. I still cant hack it. I came into work 2 hours late this morning because I was lying in bed till 3am this morning. Some drunken eejits came in at 4am and kept me up. Had to drag myself out of bed at 8am even though thats when Im meant to start.

At work now and I checked my emails. My Mam sent me an email wishing me happy birthday and saying she loves me, I dont know why but that made me burst into tears and I had to hide in the bathroom for a while.

My head is spinning, I should text her back and I want to be with her still and I really do want to make her happy and let her know she is a good person and she's loved but I can't do it under these circumstances and I don't want to things to patch up just for them to melt into shít again. Do you know how hard it is to try and tell someone they're appreciated when they're forcing you to do it? I guess that is ultimately my fault though. Wouldn't be in this situation if I had been more considerate in the first place I guess.

Can't think, should do some actual work so I can not think for a while.

I'm sorry but I just can't not reply. The way you are talking, it's like she's writing a script for you and you're reading it out like it's your life. I feel really sorry for you that you still love her.

From what you've written, it seems that even though you've made some mistakes, you are willing and have tried to work things out but she has you running around like a lapdog. I mean she made you leave your own home to sleep in a hostel and yet when you text her, she's playing the victim saying how hurt you made her. I think if you go back to her, she'll realise she has you under her thumb and will be able to manipulate you further than she already has.

Look up the traits of an emotional manipulator and if she fits even some of it, it's time to move on. I have an ex who fits the bill to a tee but I have to stay in touch with him because we have a child.

You're girlfriend shouldn't be making you feel as guilty as this. I mean if it all started from some lousy presents, she sounds very selfish and it's her who should drop the ego act.

I know it can be hard to walk away from a relationship but for your mental health alone, I don't think this is a good one.

As for confiding on people, it's hard to make that first move but you'll be sp glad if you do. Your parents are still your parents and want you to be happy, so I would suggest talking to them. Even if you tell them you'd like to talk to them about something, it's a start! Good luck again op! I hope that you are okay

Penny Tration

KeepMessingUp wrote: »

First off I'd just like to say thanks again for listening and I do apologize for turning this into an unncessarily long thread and a whinefest... I just have no one else to talk to about this except her and I really can't do that anymore. Most of my friends have moved abroad, the ones I have here in Cork I don't know that well so talking to them about it would be really weird. I'm not on that level with my parents to be able to talk about this, nor my sister...

Obliq, thanks for the hypothetical offer, appreciated! I am in Cork city. So while I was on boards last night at the hostel I had left my phone charging in the room. While that was going on she had asked me if I had somewhere to stay etc. When she didn't get a response she started to get worried sick and called about 9 times. When I got back I told her I had found a room. She texted me 10 minutes later saying she doesnt want this to continue on and wants to be friends (in the sense of making up, not breaking up). I was lying in bed and thinking what life would be like without her and I admit I let my emotions get the better of me and I texted her back saying I love you. She said she's sorry for a not so happy birthday (my birthday today (not that thats relevant)) and that she wishes I was there and that she just wants things to go back to normal and for us to be happy again. She did manage to squeeze in that it sucks she tried so hard to get me to be nice to her but "whatever", that kind of annoyed me. Didnt really respond after, but still finished on good terms.

She texted me again this morning saying that if we want this to work this is what she wants out for me. Basically saying that I need to acknowledge the hurt I've put her through, need to show more appreciation beyond texting her and offering to leave work for her and to leave my ego at the door and prioritize her happiness instead for a while etc etc and If I cant do this then we still have serious problems etc. I still cant hack it. I came into work 2 hours late this morning because I was lying in bed till 3am this morning. Some drunken eejits came in at 4am and kept me up. Had to drag myself out of bed at 8am even though thats when Im meant to start.

At work now and I checked my emails. My Mam sent me an email wishing me happy birthday and saying she loves me, I dont know why but that made me burst into tears and I had to hide in the bathroom for a while.

My head is spinning, I should text her back and I want to be with her still and I really do want to make her happy and let her know she is a good person and she's loved but I can't do it under these circumstances and I don't want to things to patch up just for them to melt into shít again. Do you know how hard it is to try and tell someone they're appreciated when they're forcing you to do it? I guess that is ultimately my fault though. Wouldn't be in this situation if I had been more considerate in the first place I guess.

Can't think, should do some actual work so I can not think for a while.

I know you're tired, emotional and worn down, but one thing stood out.

She texted you to try make things better, but threw in a sly dig. That's being a rotten cow. That's not love. If she wanted to forget everything and move on, she wouldn't have made a dig.

Giving you a list of rules? Sorry, but they sound like things you already do, trying to make her happy. But she wants more? What more can you give? How long before more demands come in.

One thing though, that struck me. She wants you to prioritise her happiness above yours. Er, no. You prioritise YOUR happiness, and she should prioritise her own. You are not there to make her happy. You are supposed to ADD to her happiness, not be the sole reason for it.


Why would you want to go back? I know you love her, but nothing has changed. Nothing has been resolved. She just said 'right, you can come back, but you have to do everything I say.' That'snot love.

How aabout texting her back your own list of demands (stop throwing tantrums, stop being so unappreciative, stop trying to control me, stop trying to change me, stop manipulating me)? I can guarantee that while you're actually considering her demands, she'll blow the lid if you come back with any of your own.