Should we break up?

LegacyUser

Im not sure what to do anymore. Ive been going out with my girlfriend for 2 years and weve had such an amazing experience together. Weve traveled the world, been to loads of festivals, live together and just had such a wonderful time. So many ups, but also so many downs. And I mean a lot, and very down downs.

Im not sure how to phrase this exactly but I cant stop fúcking up. Yesterday was her birthday and I managed to mess it up yet again. You see she is the first person Ive ever really had to buy presents for/celebrate birthdays for (outside of parties with friends etc), because I come from a poor family and we never do the whole buy presents thing. Now just because I dont give a shít about Christmas that doesnt mean that she doesnt. The first Christmas together I didnt buy her anything. That upset her but she shrugged it off. Next comes her birthday and I bought some half assed presents the day of her birthday, too little too late (while I went out and treated myself, because my birthday is just after hers). We were in Asia at the time and we ended up having a huge argument. It was awful. We nearly broke up.

Fast forward all of that and youre at last Christmas, and guess again, I bought some half assed presents a little too late. This is all the while both she and her family buy me loads of presents and gifts and cards. She is very upset, especially since I have a full time job and shes on BTEA, and we have a huge argument and I apologize and tell her next time I'll make much more of an effort to show I really do appreciate her. Now, fast forward to last Friday and it's the night before her birthday. She has lots of study to do she says shes gonna stay in but doesnt mind if I go out. I end up going out, getting quite drunk and coming home. I fall asleep on the couch in the dark. She stayed up waiting for me and then she comes into the living room and asks why am I sleeping on the couch when I should be in bed cuddling my girlfriend on her birthday? I dont have much recollection of this but apparently I flipped out and acted a total cúnt and we had a huge argument till 5am. Saturday morning I have to go to work but I'm done by 1pm. I go to town and buy her her gifts and come back but of course this doesn't suffice. She is still very upset with me and spends her whole day crying, her birthday...

I didn't budget or plan anything in advance. I didnt put any bit of effort into it. The one day where were meant to show appreciation and love for your loved one I didnt do a thing. That's 2 Christmases and 2 birthdays in a row absolutely fúcked up. Yet again, I managed to cause a massive row.

I accept I am selfish and highly inconsiderate but Im not trying to be. I really amnt. Its not even just Christmas and birthday, every 3 weeks we seem to have some big argument because I end up doing something fúcking stupid out of my own thoughtlessness and selfishness. I keep prioritizing what I want to do and not her. I keep hurting her and ruining days for her.

When were not rowing we get on a like a house on fire. Honestly, we have so much fun and laugh all the time and are so comfortable around each other, its amazing. But it keeps happening. I keep messing up. I keep doing something unbelievably thoughtless and we have a huge argument as a result. Then we patch things up, get on great for 3-4 weeks then it happens again. But this time, for her birthday, for the 4th time in a row, this really hurt her. It really hurt her. She said she has lost a lot of respect for me. She says that she's going to "ban" me from celebrating Christmas and her birthday anymore, because I keep fúcking it up monumentally.

I dont want to keep hurting her. I love her so much and I want her to be happy but I feel like I'm ultimately making her unhappy. She puts a lot of effort into showing how much she appreciates me but I just never seem to reciprocate. I dont want to hurt her anymore but its literally 2 Christmases and 2 birthdays too many.

I dont know what to do if we do break up. We both moved to this city recently and dont know many people. She is going to uni here and Im working. All my friends from home have moved away. I cant live at my mothers house. I just dunno where Ill go or what Ill do without her.

I just dont know anymore. Things are so good between us yet at the same time bad. The past 6 months have just been marked by loads of fun broken up by intense arguments. The past 2 years with her have been amazing but I dont want to keep messing up and hurting her, I just want her to be happy

Im going to work on not being so selfish and inconsiderate but it feels too late (story of her life...). I dont want to turn this into a huge wall of text so Im going to leave it at this for now, but do tell what you think of this situation and whats best...

Tokyo

OP, I'm not sure what you think breaking up with your girlfriend will solve other than to give you a false sense of having done the right thing by her. It does nothing to solve your thoughtlessness, and chances are you'll only end up carrying it into your next relationship.

It does sounds like you genuinely care for this girl, and you should probably be asking yourself if you want to save your relationship or not, rather than just walking away without addressing the issue, because that is a selfish act too. An important part of any relationship is the ability to be selfless for your partner, and it's good that you at least realise that your actions can be selfish because that means you can work on it.

A lot of what you are describing could easily be solved by keeping a diary or a planner, and a little bit of thought on your part. Buy one, fill out the important dates that you need to remember, including reminders a couple of weeks beforehand to buy gifts, or plan a meal, etc, for that event. And get in the habit of checking it every day. It'll become second nature after a while, and I'd imagine that you'll end up using it for far more than just reminders for your girlfriend.

We all are prone to being selfish, but that doesn't mean we can't learn and "train" ourselves to think of others more often. Your girlfriend might have lost some respect for you in this regard, but she still plans on being with you for next Christmas, and her next birthday. So I imagine that she's hoping that you will change your ways. So rather than feeling sorry for yourself, go out of your way to do selfless things for your girlfriend. Do things that make her feel special and appreciated. Being selfish in a relationship is one the easiest ways to break the relationship, so just keep that in mind.

Idle Passerby

You seem to know exactly what the problem is in the relationship and its very easily fixed. Is that really the only problem between the two of you? I don't get what's stopping you keeping birthdays and Christmas in mind as something to put a bit of effort into.

Penny Tration

Aside from her birthday and Christmas, which you know full well how to solve, what are things like the rest of the time?

You say you do monumentally stupid things, and put your wants ahead of her relationship needs. Is this all to do with money or buying her stuff, or other issues, like going out alone when ye had things planned?

Have you ever bought her a little gift 'just because?' After 2 years, I would hope you have. Sometimes if I'm out shopping, i see something I know my boyfriend will love, and I buy it for him just to make him smile. Have you done anything like this, or just brought her out for a lovely date night because you want to see her smile and spoil her a little bit?

I won't mince my words - you sound very selfish. I had a long term boyfriend like this, and it's horrible to know that I'm thinking of them all the time, but they don't give enough of a damn to think about me.

Breaking up with her would be a selfish act. It's not going to solve your thoughtlessness. It's just going to hurt her and let you run away from the issues.

The fact that she has stuck with you would tell me she still cares for you a lot. So don't throw that back in her face. When you get paid, go buy her something thoughtful (it doesn't have to be expensive, one of my favourite things I was given was a teddy that cost a fiver!), something you know she'd like. Listen to her, pick up clues about things she likes. Or buy a few dvds, her favourite sweets, cook her a nice dinner and make her feel loved and appreciated.

You need to show her that you care. The words 'i love you' are meaningless when you don't show her through your actions that you love her.

sopretty

Do you purposely miss her birthdays and Christmas? It doesn't sound to me like you're unaware of them?

LegacyUser

It sounds like you have a problem with alcohol - the problems with your girl are a symptom of that. If you are having blackouts and not remembering that is something you have to deal with now while you are young and can do something about it.

missjm

I'm reading between the lines here and thinking that although you know how you should behave, something is preventing you from behaving accordingly. Could you have not stayed in Friday night and cooked her a meal, got a bottle of wine - whatever. Was it really necessary to go out? Why do you leave your shopping to last minute if you feel it's so important not to F up?
I think you need to address whatever it is that's causing your behaviour and everything else will follow.

beks101

Honestly I would question your feelings for your girlfriend if I'm honest. Purely because things like birthdays and Christmas presents etc are literally the easiest things in the world to remember even if they're not important to you and you're not naturally a 'gift-giver' - if they're important to someone you love.

I can be the most monumentally selfish and single-minded person going, but when I'm in love with someone and in a relationship with them these things come naturally. I'm thinking for two instead of one most of the time. I want him to be happy and comfortable because if he's not, I'm not. So I make an effort on things that otherwise wouldn't come naturally to me.

If you can't get your sh1t together to take a few hours out of your life to make your girlfriend feel special, then I'd ask you this: do you really love the woman? And what does that mean to you? Is this "****ing up" thing on your part just an easy way of breaking up for you?

ElleEm

It definitely seems like you are self sabotaging. You KNOW when Christmas is. You know when her birthday is. I presume you also know when Valentine's Day and your anniversary is. It must seem to her like you are doing it on purpose, it has become a pattern- you mess up, you argue and you spend time feeling guilty and self loathing while she spends time feeling unloved and not special.
Why would you run to the idea of breaking up with her before you begin falling around the place trying to make up for all the fu*k ups? Surely you are capable of keeping a diary or setting reminders in your phone for things?! Your girlfriend probably feels like she doesn't matter to you, that going out with the lads was more important than being available to her on birthday. You have the ability to fix this, yet you are in self loathing mode, and you are thinking of hurting her more by splitting up with her- can you see how ridiculous that is? Start by making special dinners, buying her small gifts, taking her away on surprise days out/ weekends away, being available to her, asking her how you can make it up to her and make her feel special and loved. Surely your relationship is worth a shot?!

LegacyUser

I'm not sure what advice your expecting really OP. You admit that its not that you don't remember these occasions, its just purely that you couldn't be arsed putting in the effort of a couple of hours thought. You can use all the excuses in the world, the I came from a poor family, we didn't do presents etc but that's all they are. It's not like its difficult behaviour to change. You can get up right now, this second and spend an hour or two shopping for a thoughful gift just because you love her, you can arrange a weekend away, a nice spontaneous treat for her. You haven't bothered though, doesn't sound like you will bother. Maybe that's because you genuinely don't care enough for this girl.

That's fair enough people fall out of love all the time. But have the decency to be honest with her and stop using all the absolute crap you've written in your post as an excuse. Bottom line is you care more about yourself than her. Its that simple. Do the decent thing and let her find someone who actually gives a crap about her, but don't play the sympathy card with her like you have here because it's a complete joke of an excuse and only highlights how little you actually think of her.

That's probably blunt but its a persons life you're playing with.

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone who responded. To anyone who asked, yes my feelings for this girl without a doubt are very strong, there is no question there. I admit I was probably being overdramatic when I said we should break up and that in itself is an even more selfish thing to do, but sometimes at this point, after all this fúckery it seems like it would benefit her. This is probably my pathetic self loathing/pitying getting the best of me to be honest... But still. I want her to be happy. I feel like I am making her unhappy. She is feeling unloved. I dont want her to feel like that. I dont want to continue to disappoint, I dont want to be the reason why is she crying by herself on her birthday. But I am.

I do buy her small gifts here and there and do nice things too. When I do all the shopping (just an example!) I dont expect her to pay me back. I always walk to the shop in the middle night for her if she wants something. If she wants me to cook, I will do it no question, even if Im not fond of the meal. Just small things, but I understand stuff like this is both standard and effortless. Its not like I deserve a pat on the back or a round of applause for doing the most basic stuff one would expect from a boyfriend. Its like I said, key events where I keep messing up.

Like everyone has said the fact that she has indicated she is willing to be with me for next Christmas/birthday shows that she does care about me and wants to stay with me and even if she is "banning" me from these events I'm sure she is hoping deep down that I will do it right this time. But this is the 4th time I've fúcked up. How many more times am I going to do this? How many more times will I say I'll make it up to her then dont? How many more birthdays and Christmases am I going to ruin? If I'm to stay with her I sincerely hope this is the last time...

Like I said apart from these acts of selfishness and subsequent arguments everything is good. We do love each other. We're always laughing, always doing interesting/exciting things together, we can have stimulated intellectual conversations, we can drink 10 pints together and go home and laugh about the night, we cook great meals together all the time, etc etc etc... It's great, but it's pockmarked by these massive arguments that ruin everything and make everything shítty for a week and each time I can feel that she loves me a bit less and a bit less, she loses that bit more respect for me and cares that bit less for me.

This morning we rowed about what had happened the weekend. I went for a walk to think about what I had done and after about 2 hours later she texted me asking if I wanted to go for lunch. We met up and went for lunch. I apologized and apologized etc but she said its ok, lets just leave it behind us. We then went clothes shopping together and had a nice time. Went home, she said she was going to study so I went and watched the rugby with a friend. When I came home she was curled up in a ball on the couch listening to sad music. She talked about how shít I made her feel again. I wanted to make things better, I apologized again and again, I asked her if there is anything she wants to do, anything I can do for her etc, but she just lay there shaking her head, weeping lightly... I asked her again if theres anything she wants me to do and she just said "I dont care what you do, really" so at that point I just left and went for another walk and here I am again in an internet café trying to figure out what the hell can I do now... She doesnt want to do anything, she doesnt want to talk. I just dont know.

The thought of her crying just kills me Poor little sweetheart, all she wants is to have a nice time and feel loved and I can't even provide that to her. The thought of those tears and her little face shriveling up and sobbing is driving me mad. I want to go make her feel better, I really really do. But she isnt saying anything and doesnt want to do anything, shes just curled up in a ball on the couch not responding to any sort of stimulus... I dont know what to do.

Tokyo

KeepMessingUp wrote: »

When I came home she was curled up in a ball on the couch listening to sad music..... I asked her again if theres anything she wants me to do and she just said "I dont care what you do, really" so at that point I just left and went for another walk and here I am again in an internet café trying to figure out what the hell can I do now... She doesnt want to do anything, she doesnt want to talk. I just dont know.

Why on earth would you leave her crying like that and walk out the door to an internet cafe to post here? You don't have to necessarily DO anything for her while she feels this way, you just have to be there for her, and she needs to see that. I'm guessing that it's actions like this that would have her reconsidering her relationship with you...

ElleEm

mike_ie wrote: »

Why on earth would you leave her crying like that and walk out the door to an internet cafe to post here? You don't have to necessarily DO anything for her while she feels this way, you just have to be there for her, and she needs to see that. I'm guessing that it's actions like this that would have her reconsidering her relationship with you...

I completely agree with this.

Yet again, OP, your girl does not feel loved and what do you do? You leave her alone! She is crying and although she may not want to talk, knowing you care enough to stick around, make tea, get her a blanket, make her a hot water bottle, bring her a bar of chocolate, whatever, shows some sort of affection and care.

You keep saying "how many times can I ruin her birthday/ Christmas/ disappoint her?" etc. and the answer is you will do this as many times as you want to. You KNOW what the problem is here. You get caught up in your own stuff and fail to show her your appreciation and love for her at times when she wants it. The simple answer is don't do this anymore. Just don't. Keep track of special dates, prioritise her, show her you give a sh!t. Stop pitying yourself. Stop hating yourself. Stop playing the victim. Suck it up! Go home, give her a hug and try to make her laugh.

daisybelle2008

Going to go against the majority here, but she seems like hard work to me. All the bawling and melodrama is not going to help improve the situation. Why can't ye shop together in advance of these occasions like ye did today with the clothes shopping? Come up with a compromise, while it might take some of the romance and spontaneity out of things it will ease the pressure. Some people, myself included, just don't place a huge priority on gifts and birthdays. I would feel annoyed and pressured if someone placed more importance on me making a fuss and showering them with gifts on 'occasions' rather than how I treated them day to day. If they want to do it and it is their thing, work away but it seems a bit of a tit for tat expectation to receive back. To be honest I would see these arguments as red flags that we were incompatible, especially all the rowing and bawling because you are not morphing into her expectations.

DukeOfTheSharp

Ok, so going on all of this...it just seems like you two are highly incompatible. You're not exactly mr. thoughtful, and you have experiences which paint your world-view differently to hers. The least you could do is get her some random, meaningful, maybe even inexpensive things to make her feel good, everyone in a relationship deserves that much.

Now, having said that...she's a bit...well...overdramatic. She knows your mentality isn't like her, given your background. Working out a compromise shouldn't be hard, but you're both seemingly terrible at it. She has an overblown sense of what a relationship seems to be, to the point where she doesn't just disregard both your feelings and hers, she outright buries her resentment and becomes a wreck, vying for your pity in an attempt to be noticed, and as a result you feel worse. She's very immature when it comes to dealing with conflict, you're very immature because you can't seemingly handle emotional complexity and would run at the first sign of trouble, in place of, you know, doing better. My advice, do break up with her. It seems like you're both in desperate need of a reality check here, as you both lack the maturity to sit down and have a conversation about this. Instead of asking how you could make things better, you could have just done something, literally something, instead of walking out. There's a time to walk and there's a time to try working things out, and the both of you seem incapable of finding middle ground. You seem aware but unwilling to change the problems you've identified, she's unaware of your mindset and wants to mold you to what she thinks a boyfriend should be, but acts like a teenager instead of an adult about it. There's no future there, just continuous fighting and hassle, it's really not worth it for either of you.

On one hand, the OP knows what he has to do, but lacks the discipline to do it, regardless of the consequences.

On the other, this girlfriend seems pretty entitled. I've never once had a sobbing fit because I considered my presents unfit for the great occasion of my birthday, let alone expected all the stops to be pulled out for my benefit. I can't imagine what she'll expect any wedding she has to look like.

Buy her nicer presents if that's important to her. Spend as much money as she considers herself worth. Personally I think someone willing to walk to the shops to buy me ice cream to make me happy to have done more than enough to prove how much I'm worth to him. I think she's probably more materialistic.

OP, you're not some selfish monster, her behaviour is self-centred too. If you want to hang on to her put alerts on your phone to warn you it's coming up, but don't pander to the sulking, it's being used to guilt and control you in a very OTT way. And don't allow yourself to be told you're a selfish toad, your behaviour the other 363 days of the year counts for much more than you're getting credit for.

December2012

OP - why do you not put an effort into presents or being with her?

You really need to think about why you do what you do.

Because you're being cruel.

Time Now Please

Maybe I am missing something, but you are behaving like a complete c**t, and I don't mean that in a bad way, this girl is clearly in love with you and has put up with a lot, I'm telling ya, some day she is going to say enough is enough, you are going to have to get your arse into gear and change this before it's too late.

December2012

December2012 wrote: »

OP - why do you not put an effort into presents or being with her?

You really need to think about why you do what you do.

Because you're being cruel.

Look at the gfs behaviour. She's throwing these dramatic sobbing and sadness fits because her presents aren't up to scratch. He could put more effort in but she's lying on the sofa sobbing because he hasn't spent enough money or time on her, even though he seems considerate and loving the rest of the year round.

It's no coincidence she was languishing on the sofa, sobbing and listening to 'sad' music when he came home, she was guilt tripping the guy and manipulating him. And it's worked! He thinks hes a selfish git, even though he obviously dotes on the spoilt little princess.

It's not saying nice things about her. He could certainly do better in this situation, but she's not some innocent little child being let down by Santa, she's laying on the drama because she doesn't think he's spent enough on her, and that says materialistic to the core. If she had any perspective she'd tell herself he's not as into occasions as she is, and accept that he treats her well the rest of the year, like an adult.

Worse still, he now thinks he's a bad person just because he doesn't share her priorities. Telling someone you expect more, bigger, or more expensive gifts for your birthday or christmas smacks of selfishness and entitlement, punishing them when they don't deliver to your inflated expectations smacks of nastiness.

Penny Tration

Candie wrote: »

Look at the gfs behaviour. She's throwing these dramatic sobbing and sadness fits because her presents aren't up to scratch. He could put more effort in but she's lying on the sofa sobbing because he hasn't spent enough money or time on her, even though he seems considerate and loving the rest of the year round.

It's no coincidence she was languishing on the sofa, sobbing and listening to 'sad' music when he came home, she was guilt tripping the guy and manipulating him. And it's worked! He thinks hes a selfish git, even though he obviously dotes on the spoilt little princess.

It's not saying nice things about her. He could certainly do better in this situation, but she's not some innocent little child being let down by Santa, she's laying on the drama because she doesn't think he's spent enough on her, and that says materialistic to the core. If she had any perspective she'd tell herself he's not as into occasions as she is, and accept that he treats her well the rest of the year, like an adult.

Worse still, he now thinks he's a bad person just because he doesn't share her priorities. Telling someone you expect more, bigger, or more expensive gifts for your birthday or christmas smacks of selfishness and entitlement, punishing them when they don't deliver to your inflated expectations smacks of nastiness.

Where are you getting the part about him treating her well the rest of the year? He said they fight regularly because he always does 'monumentally stupid' things. Until/unless op clarifies what those things are, we only have his word to go on, which says that he regularly does NOT treat her well. He never said she demands more expensive presents either.

I'm not mad about my birthday, or Christmas, but I'd be upset if my bf went out on the afternoon of my actual birthday and bought me something rubbish. I'd rather something thoughtful like making my favourite meal for me. Thought doesn't cost much. Maybe she just wants the op tto be more thoughtful.

I went out with someone once for two years. On my birthday on the second year, he went out to the ccorner shop in the afternoon and bought me flowers and chocolates. I have bad hayfever, and because of a food allergy, i can't eat chocolate, which he knew. I would have preferred a card or nothing to a completely thoughtless present like that.

Maybe his girlfriend wants him to think of her a bit more, instead of her just being an afterthought.

Until the op clarifies though, we have nothing to go on that would say she's throwing her toys out of the pram over a present she didn't like.

green_screen

green_screen wrote: »

Where are you getting the part about him treating her well the rest of the year?

He buys her little gifts, walks to the shops in the middle of the night, cooks meals he doesn't like because she does like them, he's not a selfish monster.

I do buy her small gifts here and there and do nice things too. When I do all the shopping (just an example!) I dont expect her to pay me back. I always walk to the shop in the middle night for her if she wants something. If she wants me to cook, I will do it no question, even if Im not fond of the meal. Just small things, but I understand stuff like this is both standard and effortless. Its not like I deserve a pat on the back or a round of applause for doing the most basic stuff one would expect from a boyfriend. Its like I said, key events where I keep messing up.

She's talked of 'banning' him from occasions! Yet she's still throwing out the drama because he's not up to scratch. Remember it's not like he got her nothing, they just weren't up to her expectations. Then she punishes him by having the rows over it (while claiming they should just let it go?), lying on the sofa in tears, acting like a spoilt brat.

It's the worst kind of passive aggressiveness - Oh I won't make a big deal about you not getting me good enough gifts, but I'll lie here miserable and make you feel like you're torturing me until I get what I want!

He sounds like a nice guy - sure he could put in more effort but he's only human. BUT she's not some sort of angel suffering at the hands of a thoughtless goon, she's manipulating and guilting him in a passively vicious way that he simply doesn't deserve and it's disconcerting to see posters lining up behind her, as if her behaviour is acceptable in an adult. It's not, he should know that.

sunflower27

sunflower27 wrote: »

Now, fast forward to last Friday and it's the night before her birthday. She has lots of study to do she says shes gonna stay in but doesnt mind if I go out. I end up going out, getting quite drunk and coming home. I fall asleep on the couch in the dark. She stayed up waiting for me and then she comes into the living room and asks why am I sleeping on the couch when I should be in bed cuddling my girlfriend on her birthday? I dont have much recollection of this but apparently I flipped out and acted a total cúnt and we had a huge argument till 5am.

Yep, nice guy.

After saying he will make more effort, this is what he does.

Seeing a partner happy to treat themselves on their birthday (as OP said he did in Asia as well) and not even bothering to acknowledge his girlfriend's own after saying he will make it a priority is passive aggressive.

He fell asleep on the sofa. Big deal. He only has her word that he acted like a cnut, and to be honest she seems to have an agenda.

She told him it was fine to go out, but punished him for doing it. If she wanted him to stay in throwing rose petals at her feel, she shouldn't expect him to intuit it. She's overreacting and I'm really genuinely surprised people are supporting her OTT behaviour.

I'm NOT saying he's perfect. I am saying her expectations and reactions are unacceptable in an adult. He doesn't share her priorities, but instead of scaling down her expectations to meet his, or meeting in the middle, everyone is supporting him upscaling his - which he has since he is unused to buying or receiving any gifts at all - and calling him cruel and selfish because his gf doesn't think he's put in enough effort.

She needs to see things from his side too, especially if falling asleep on the sofa prompts a snarky 'what about ME?' remark, when most people would just wake him up and tell him to get into bed to be more comfortable.

Penny Tration

Apologies, Candie, i missed that post from the OP, so i see where you're coming from now.

Op, can you clarify, what are the monumentally stupid things that you do every month or so?

If my boyfriend wa nice most of the time, but fcuked up regularly, that doesn't make him a good boyfriend.

At the same time, without knowing what these things are that you say you do, it could be that your gf is a drama queen with ridiculous expectations.

You certainly should make more effort, and walking out on her when she's crying is nuts, I'd be fuming if you had done that to me.

But without knowing the full story, it's hard to know which one of you is in the wrong.

Big Bag of Chips

I think if she is constantly telling you you are messing up, constantly testing you, giving out that you ruined her occassions by buying "half assed" presents etc.. why hasn't she broken up with you yet?

If your relationship is genuinely making her that miserable, she should just walk away from it. I can never understand people who stay in relationships where they are constantly fighting and finding fault...

Aren't relationship supposed to add something good to your life? Unless you actually enjoy the fighting and drama then I don't see any reason to stay in a relationship where you clearly are on different pages. Presents aren't that big a deal to you. They are to her. You should find someone who isn't that bothered abut gifts, and she should find someone who will shower her with gifts.

Me & my husband don't do gifts. At Christmas we buy each other some "half-arsed" gifts, just so the kids can get a bit of excitement watching us open them. Birthdays are the same. My birthday present is usually a box of Ferrero Rocher - that the kids eat!! (On Mother's Day my kids handed me a box of Ferrero Rocher and said "they're not all for you"!) We don't bother. Neither of us are crying over it or wondering if we should break up.. because we're both the same.

Edit: You are the person you are.. you're just not the person she wants you to be. So she's trying to change you. To make you be more like her. That's fine if it's what you want. But the fact that you seem to mess up royally every few weeks makes me think that she has a lot of changing to do to get you up to scratch! She's better off finding someone who's almost there, rather than starting fresh and having such an uphill struggle. And you'd be better off with someone more like you. There's someone for everyone - it just doesn't really sound like you're the ones for each other.

gaynorvader

mike_ie wrote: »

OP, I'm not sure what you think breaking up with your girlfriend will solve other than to give you a false sense of having done the right thing by her. It does nothing to solve your thoughtlessness, and chances are you'll only end up carrying it into your next relationship.

It does sounds like you genuinely care for this girl, and you should probably be asking yourself if you want to save your relationship or not, rather than just walking away without addressing the issue, because that is a selfish act too. An important part of any relationship is the ability to be selfless for your partner, and it's good that you at least realise that your actions can be selfish because that means you can work on it.

A lot of what you are describing could easily be solved by keeping a diary or a planner, and a little bit of thought on your part. Buy one, fill out the important dates that you need to remember, including reminders a couple of weeks beforehand to buy gifts, or plan a meal, etc, for that event. And get in the habit of checking it every day. It'll become second nature after a while, and I'd imagine that you'll end up using it for far more than just reminders for your girlfriend.

We all are prone to being selfish, but that doesn't mean we can't learn and "train" ourselves to think of others more often. Your girlfriend might have lost some respect for you in this regard, but she still plans on being with you for next Christmas, and her next birthday. So I imagine that she's hoping that you will change your ways. So rather than feeling sorry for yourself, go out of your way to do selfless things for your girlfriend. Do things that make her feel special and appreciated. Being selfish in a relationship is one the easiest ways to break the relationship, so just keep that in mind.

This is a great idea, I'd just like to add that assuming you have a smartphone, you could put the reminders in that and set alarms for when you need to be reminded.

KeepMessingUp wrote: »

{...}

The thought of her crying just kills me Poor little sweetheart, all she wants is to have a nice time and feel loved and I can't even provide that to her. The thought of those tears and her little face shriveling up and sobbing is driving me mad. I want to go make her feel better, I really really do. But she isnt saying anything and doesnt want to do anything, shes just curled up in a ball on the couch not responding to any sort of stimulus... I dont know what to do.

Honestly, this is a very male approach. Men tend to want to try solving problems, not realising that all the girl wants is her boyfriend to sit with her and listen/hold her. It's not always about doing things, sometimes it's just about being there.

Tiddlypeeps

When you bought her gifts did you feel they were thoughtful and worthwhile before you gave them to her? Or did you buy her a selection box at christmas and a cheap pair of socks for her birthday? It would really help to know just how bad the gifts were, if they were entirely thoughtless or if she is just being very unreasonable. I'm getting the feeling that she is being very unreasonable and that your gifts are just not over the top when she is expecting over the top, but without more details its really hard to say who is in the wrong.

Either way it's definitely a case of mismatched priorities. You have clearly been trying to change for her, I think that she should be willing to give a little too. Have a proper conversation with her about it where you try to find a solution together, that should at the very least involve her telling what she needs from you more before hand. A lot of your problems seem to stem from you not doing what she wanted you to do when she gave you no real indication of what she wanted, weather it's a specific gift or you staying in with her for the night instead of going out drinking or whatever. Let her know that you are obviously just really really bad at picking up on subtle hints and that for her own sanity it would be best if she just outright tells you what she needs. It's not very romantic but it's possible that's just who you are, from the sounds of it you make up for it in lots of other ways so stop beating yourself up so much about it.0

Obliq

mike_ie wrote: »

Why on earth would you leave her crying like that and walk out the door to an internet cafe to post here? You don't have to necessarily DO anything for her while she feels this way, you just have to be there for her, and she needs to see that. I'm guessing that it's actions like this that would have her reconsidering her relationship with you...

I'm definitely thinking the OP has a severe case of feeling helpless, and when he doesn't know what to do, does nothing, or often the worst thing possible. The girlfriend is coming across as a bit guilt-trippy and martyred tbh. That whole "GO out then, I don't mind" and then being in bits on the sofa upon his return....

As for the presents, me and my fella are incompatible present buyers/givers, but it doesn't matter or bother us (well, me a little bit). I like to get silly/ cheap/kitschy/trashy/usually unaffordable treats that aren't what I'd usually allow myself to buy. So he has endless options from a bunch of flowers, to a shiny ornament, to a drive around Mondello in a porsche. On the other hand, he intensely dislikes frippery and is extremely fussy. The present must be useful and something that he already wanted, which takes a bit of the fun out of it for me really! Sometimes I get flustered and want to buy him something that I like, or he can't come up with a decision himself, so I end up getting nothing I still make a cake though, and a big fuss, although he hates fuss. Bah. Some people, eh?!

HOWEVER (and this is a big however) I have the sinking feeling that drunken returns home (from either just the OP, or both of them) have an awful lot to do with all this rowing they're doing. Am I right OP?

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone who replied. I dont have the time to quote everyone individually so I'll just make a general response...

Anyways, there was no big issue with me leaving the house yesterday. She wasn't crying when I left, just blank (not that thats any better). She is someone who highly values space and solo time so I figured I was just annoying her even more so by hanging around and trying to make things better. She wasn't píssed off. She texted me half an hour later asking if I was coming back and to bring her back some snacks. When I came back things were still sour (she seems to swing between annoyed/upset and forgiving/normal, many times throughout the day). We had another row AGAIN because she said I still hadn't shown her any appreciation. I guess I hadn't. The whole day I wanted to tell her what a good person she was but I refrained because I thought she would've thought I was being insincere and just "sucking up" (this HAS happened before, mind you). Later on during the night I told her regardless and she told me to "shut up, it's so cringey it's making my skin crawl". We ended up getting along AGAIN and watched a film together and had a laugh then went to bed. We were on good terms again in bed but ended up almost rowing again because she said I still hadn't been nice to her or shown her any appreciation.

I was so confused and fed up at this point I didn't bother fuelling it. Call me cruel or selfish or whatever if you want. I feel at a loss here. She asked me to spoon her this morning so I guess that's a good sign, we've been texting today but all her texts are quite cold and lack x's (she always puts x's at the end of her texts, even to family and friends) so I guess that's not a good sign.

Also to anyone who pointed out I don't think it's a case we're "not made for each other". I guess it's easy to say that when I'm only telling you the shíttiest side of things. We have an absolute blast together otherwise... Even yesterday, amidst all the rowing, out of nowhere we just started getting on again and laughing (before it imploded again...)

I am quite nervous about going home. I will be home 2 in hours and feel like I'm going to fúck up again without realizing how or why beforehand

I would like to get back to everyone individually but I am at work and really can't at the moment. Just thought I'd update the situation and learn more from what people have to say. But again thank you. I have taken everything on board or am at least trying to.

MauraTheThird

KeepMessingUp wrote: »

Thanks to everyone who replied. I dont have the time to quote everyone individually so I'll just make a general response...

Anyways, there was no big issue with me leaving the house yesterday. She wasn't crying when I left, just blank (not that thats any better). She is someone who highly values space and solo time so I figured I was just annoying her even more so by hanging around and trying to make things better. She wasn't píssed off. She texted me half an hour later asking if I was coming back and to bring her back some snacks. When I came back things were still sour (she seems to swing between annoyed/upset and forgiving/normal, many times throughout the day). We had another row AGAIN because she said I still hadn't shown her any appreciation. I guess I hadn't. The whole day I wanted to tell her what a good person she was but I refrained because I thought she would've thought I was being insincere and just "sucking up" (this HAS happened before, mind you). Later on during the night I told her regardless and she told me to "shut up, it's so cringey it's making my skin crawl". We ended up getting along AGAIN and watched a film together and had a laugh then went to bed. We were on good terms again in bed but ended up almost rowing again because she said I still hadn't been nice to her or shown her any appreciation.

I was so confused and fed up at this point I didn't bother fuelling it. Call me cruel or selfish or whatever if you want. I feel at a loss here. She asked me to spoon her this morning so I guess that's a good sign, we've been texting today but all her texts are quite cold and lack x's (she always puts x's at the end of her texts, even to family and friends) so I guess that's not a good sign.

Also to anyone who pointed out I don't think it's a case we're "not made for each other". I guess it's easy to say that when I'm only telling you the shíttiest side of things. We have an absolute blast together otherwise... Even yesterday, amidst all the rowing, out of nowhere we just started getting on again and laughing (before it imploded again...)

I am quite nervous about going home. I will be home 2 in hours and feel like I'm going to fúck up again without realizing how or why beforehand

I would like to get back to everyone individually but I am at work and really can't at the moment. Just thought I'd update the situation and learn more from what people have to say. But again thank you. I have taken everything on board or am at least trying to.

I honestly would not be able for all that drama, how is your head not done in yet?

On a serious note, is there any chance that your girlfriend might be suffering from depression? My sister would have mood swings like your girlfriend where she's absolutely fine and happy and the best person in the whole wide world and then the "demon" almost comes out and she is like a different person! She's moody, grouchy and can take things that have happened completely personally.

That said, if you're messing up like you say; forgetting birthdays, Christmas etc, I'd be annoyed if I was your girlfriend too. But to hold it over your head constantly is not fair either. She can't say that it's ok and then to cause so many arguments about it!

Obliq

Aw mate...

First off, you sound nice. I think your girlfriend actually blows seriously hot and cold, and has you mightily confused. She's probably proper confused herself, but it is starting to sound like something you can't fix hon. I honestly think you need to protect yourself, and stop believing that you're being bad to her, but acknowledge that you clearly can't get it right with her. It may not be you at all - you simply sound confused as to how best to treat her and her unpredictability. Please tell her you're not a bad person - she should hear that, and that you don't like hearing that you're bad to her. It's not fair on you.

KeepMessingUp

KeepMessingUp wrote: »

Thanks to everyone who replied. I dont have the time to quote everyone individually so I'll just make a general response...

Anyways, there was no big issue with me leaving the house yesterday. She wasn't crying when I left, just blank (not that thats any better). She is someone who highly values space and solo time so I figured I was just annoying her even more so by hanging around and trying to make things better. She wasn't píssed off. She texted me half an hour later asking if I was coming back and to bring her back some snacks. When I came back things were still sour (she seems to swing between annoyed/upset and forgiving/normal, many times throughout the day). We had another row AGAIN because she said I still hadn't shown her any appreciation. I guess I hadn't. The whole day I wanted to tell her what a good person she was but I refrained because I thought she would've thought I was being insincere and just "sucking up" (this HAS happened before, mind you). Later on during the night I told her regardless and she told me to "shut up, it's so cringey it's making my skin crawl". We ended up getting along AGAIN and watched a film together and had a laugh then went to bed. We were on good terms again in bed but ended up almost rowing again because she said I still hadn't been nice to her or shown her any appreciation.

I was so confused and fed up at this point I didn't bother fuelling it. Call me cruel or selfish or whatever if you want. I feel at a loss here. She asked me to spoon her this morning so I guess that's a good sign, we've been texting today but all her texts are quite cold and lack x's (she always puts x's at the end of her texts, even to family and friends) so I guess that's not a good sign.

Also to anyone who pointed out I don't think it's a case we're "not made for each other". I guess it's easy to say that when I'm only telling you the shíttiest side of things. We have an absolute blast together otherwise... Even yesterday, amidst all the rowing, out of nowhere we just started getting on again and laughing (before it imploded again...)

I am quite nervous about going home. I will be home 2 in hours and feel like I'm going to fúck up again without realizing how or why beforehand

I would like to get back to everyone individually but I am at work and really can't at the moment. Just thought I'd update the situation and learn more from what people have to say. But again thank you. I have taken everything on board or am at least trying to.

You're not ****ing up, you're being wrong-footed all the time. Take that on board too.

Your girlfriend might be a nice person most of the time, but she's treating you badly and making you believe you're being cruel and selfish. That is a mind-wreck and quite frankly she sounds exactly what she's accusing you of. Selfish, cruel, thoughtless and self-centred. You have your faults but they are nowhere NEAR deserving of all this drama and attention seeking.

I hope you come to realise that in your own time, but you're on the receiving end of some high-end passive-aggressive manipulation there.