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Controlling or me being selfish?

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    #62
    czechlin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,341 ✭✭✭czechlin


    OP I agree with the other posters, please give it some thought and get in touch with Women's Aid. I cannot imagine how are you feeling after reading all this and I'm really sorry :( I'm sending all good vibes I can gather your way.


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    #63
    Merkin
    Registered Users Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    controllinghusband? wrote: »
    What can I do about it? I don't want to leave him.

    Have you considered couples counselling? You could go yourself first and have a couple of sessions and then go as a couple.


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    #64
    Jenneke87
    Registered Users Posts: 807 ✭✭✭Jenneke87


    controllinghusband? wrote: »
    I wouldn't even know where to begin without him? I don't know if I could cope. I don't have family to turn to and don't have any friends anymore.

    Oh you will cope without him, we as human beings are resilliant and you will adapt to the new situation....because you have to. Listen, you only have one life, I don't know how old you are but I estimate that you're somewhere between 35-45. That means that if you're lucky you'll have another 35/40 years to go, perhaps some more. How do you wanna spend those years, that's what it boils down to really. Even if you don't have family, there are organazations out there that can and will help you, but you've gotta take the first step. It's obvious from your posts that you don't feel happy in this relationship, do you really want to spend the rest of your life unhappy. Some women who leave there husband are even in a worse position than you, they don't have an income, they too have no family, but they get away, because they know that if they stay it will destroy them and their children. As a mother you are responsible for your child's wellbeing and happiness: do you think that him/her growing up in an unhappy household full of fear will do him/her any good? Either go to counseling or leave him but do something, otherwise it will be like deciding that everything shall remain the same, and that doesn't sound like a good thing for sure.


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    #65
    Toots
    Administrators, Business & Finance Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,909 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Toots


    Merkin wrote: »
    Have you considered couples counselling? You could go yourself first and have a couple of sessions and then go as a couple.

    If he's controlling the purse strings I wouldn't hold out much hope of him allowing her to go to counselling.

    OP, you think you can't survive without him because you've been controlled by him for so long that you're conditioned to think that way. The way he is treating you is not normal, it is abuse. It's not as obvious as him beating you, but it's abuse nonetheless. Seriously, look on the womens aid website, or give them a call (from work if needs be, in case he sees the number on the phone bill). You don't need to do anything about it right now, but at least you'll have more information on the type of situation you are experiencing and what supports are out there for you.


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    #66
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    OP, Womens Aid should be able to help you access counselling - I know they gave me counselling back when I needed it and I didnt have to pay.


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    #67
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    And you WOULD survive without him.

    What happened if he fell under a bus tomorrow and died? You'd be without him then and no option but to adapt and create a life for you and your children without him. You'd access services and benefits to help you, and you'd carry on. Just like you'd do if you left him.


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    #68
    zoe 3619
    Registered Users Posts: 624 ✭✭✭zoe 3619


    Ok.you're oh sounds unreasonable and controlling,but have to agree with other posters.if it's just the one issue,then maybe he has a point.my husband tends to doze during the day,so less sleepy at night.in bed looking at phone.facebook etc.drives me mad.light sleeper,so any activity keeps me awake,even though he wears headphones.he can fall asleep anywhere,so doesn't see why I find it disrupting.guess being kept short of sleep can wear u down. if this is the only issue causing problems u need to look at yourself first.maybe retire to spare room or sofa and let him get a good nights sleep sometimes?


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    #69
    Merkin
    Registered Users Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    zoe 3619 wrote: »
    Ok.you're oh sounds unreasonable and controlling,but have to agree with other posters.if it's just the one issue,then maybe he has a point.my husband tends to doze during the day,so less sleepy at night.in bed looking at phone.facebook etc.drives me mad.light sleeper,so any activity keeps me awake,even though he wears headphones.he can fall asleep anywhere,so doesn't see why I find it disrupting.guess being kept short of sleep can wear u down. if this is the only issue causing problems u need to look at yourself first.maybe retire to spare room or sofa and let him get a good nights sleep sometimes?

    You should read the rest of the thread. The sleeping issue is the least of the OP's problems.


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    #70
    zoe 3619
    Registered Users Posts: 624 ✭✭✭zoe 3619


    Merkin wrote: »
    You should read the rest of the thread. The sleeping issue is the least of the OP's problems.

    Yes.sorry.just read it,and should have read more before I posted.


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    #71
    Ham Sambo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 515 ✭✭✭Ham Sambo


    controllinghusband? wrote: »
    I'm finding life with my husband controlling. I don't know if it's because I am used to getting my own way and selfish or he is being unreasonable. I'm doubting myself a lot.
    I've never been a good sleeper and have suffered with mild insomnia all my life. However, my husband thinks it's because of my love for tea and sweet tooth, so he has set a curfew for tea and sugar, I can't have any after 8pm. If I was to break this he would storm out and it's just not worth the hassle. I do find it helps me sleep but we don't go to bed for 12 and I think 8pm is a bit early. I can't have any fizzy drinks either.

    If I say I want tea and it's even 5 mins past 8 he'll go mad. Telling me I'm being selfish and putting my needs above his sleep. Ugh, I'm just suddenly missing my freedom.
    I feel like more and more things are restricted and it's just hard to breath sometimes.
    I could be over reacting?

    Do you know what.. drink your tea with sugar, and if he complains again tell him where the spare room is!! he's having a laugh and taking the piss at the same time.


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    #72
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Merkin wrote: »
    Have you considered couples counselling? You could go yourself first and have a couple of sessions and then go as a couple.

    Couples counselling is usually not recommended for abusive situations because the victim usually opens up under the encouragement of a counsellor and the abuser then uses what was said in counselling as further ammunition for abuse in the home.

    But I do agree that the OP should get counselling. On her own though.


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