Controlling or me being selfish?

LegacyUser

I'm finding life with my husband controlling. I don't know if it's because I am used to getting my own way and selfish or he is being unreasonable. I'm doubting myself a lot.
I've never been a good sleeper and have suffered with mild insomnia all my life. However, my husband thinks it's because of my love for tea and sweet tooth, so he has set a curfew for tea and sugar, I can't have any after 8pm. If I was to break this he would storm out and it's just not worth the hassle. I do find it helps me sleep but we don't go to bed for 12 and I think 8pm is a bit early. I can't have any fizzy drinks either.

If I say I want tea and it's even 5 mins past 8 he'll go mad. Telling me I'm being selfish and putting my needs above his sleep. Ugh, I'm just suddenly missing my freedom.
I feel like more and more things are restricted and it's just hard to breath sometimes.
I could be over reacting?

December2012

Hmmmmm it depends.

My husband snores which affects my life greatly, because obviously I sleep with my husband and have to listen to him.

His refusal to wear snoring strips or investigate sleep apnea makes me feel like my sleep problems don't matter.

We actually had a big chat about this last week and he finally sees my point, and coincidentally we are getting on better because (a) I'm getting more and better quality sleep, and (b) I feel closer to him because he is trying to do something to help our sleep situation.

Are you doing anything about your insomnia?

Faith

Trying to sleep next to someone who isn't sleeping properly is a pain in the backside. I've been known to snap fiercely at my fiancé because he sniffs loudly in his sleep, rather than taking 2 seconds to blow his nose. Also irritating are people who complain about a problem but do nothing to change it.

What are you doing to fix your insomnia issues? Have you had a sleep study done or spoken to a specialist? If I was getting woken up constantly every night by someone who wasn't concerned by the effect their problem had on me, I'd be pretty cranky.

The answer to your post depends very heavily on what you're doing to solve your sleep issues yourself. I do think you should be doing everything in your power to fix the issue, especially as sleep is so important.

Stavro Mueller

Has he ever behaved like this over anything else or is it only over this issue? It may just be that he's at the end of his tether with you tossing and turning in the bed at night and spoiling his sleep. You said you're used to getting your own way - could it be that the pair of you don't have a good track record of compromising on things and it's manifesting itself here? This is a massive issue for him and perhaps this is his way of dealing with it, childish as it may seem.

You don't sound like you're totally convinced that the tea, the fizzy drinks and the sugary things are causing you the problem. I get the impression that if he wasn't throwing his toys out of his pram like this, that you'd be having these things almost up until bedtime. Did your husband try broaching this with you in a gentler fashion first only for you to act as if nothing had been said? Did you offer any sort of compromise, such as trying a decaffeinated tea?

Merkin

I can see his point. His delivery might need some fine tuning but you've conceded yourself that you're sleeping better since these changes have been implemented. If one partner has a sleep problem like snoring or restlessness, it's invariably the OTHER partner that has the real problem and is the one who suffers. Sugar and caffeine up to about six hours before bedtime do effect sleep so it's a bit selfish of you to insist on wanting these knowing that it will ultimately result in him losing sleep.

bee06

If the tea ban is the only example of his control then I would think he's trying to help you and himself get more sleep. You admit yourself that no tea helps so maybe he finds it frustrating that you'll still drink tea and are then awake and keeping him awake too as a result?

m'lady

I'd also like to know if you have done anything to try and help the insomnia, as it could possibly be causing a multitude of problems within the relationship- I know if I was getting very little sleep I would be totally irrational and unbearable to live with, and my OH would be hiding the coffee!

As others have asked, is this the first time he has shown this controlling nature, or is it a regular trait? It's hard for any of us to advise you on this without knowing that in fairness..

elusiveguy

You could buy some decaf tea? My OH has a similar issue and find decaf tea solves the want for tea but still lets her sleep

Also I know that sometimes when I get very tired over a long period of time I'm sometimes not very rational.... I think he's wrong for getting so angry with you but I think the idea is sound

Neyite

He is wrong to control you this way, but you are also wrong to not take steps to sort out your sleep habit. There is a pair of you in it tbh.

Why not try it his way for a fortnight and if there is no change, go back to what you were doing? Look into other ways to foster good sleep habits, and compromise. If you are having a restless night, take the sofa or spare bed to prevent interrupting his sleeping.

Emme

I think he's doing it for your own good. It might be a good idea to cut down on sugar anyway.

You could have camomile tea at night instead of regular tea.

Have you spoken to a doctor about your insomnia?

Wabbit Ears

So you have sleep problems and cant see the relationship between that and caffeine with sugar in the evening time?

Its must be extremely frustrating for your husband for you to be acting so contrary to any common sense.

Personally I think setting the bar at 8 Pm is actually overly generous, Is say one after dinner and that's it.

There's loads of alternatives to standard tea, I like valerian root if I'm stressed as it really helps me sleep but normally just drink red berry or rosehip teas, I fins the Saga brand teas that you can get in any polish shop to be very reasonably priced and excellent quality.

eviltwin

Totally agree with Neyite. I have to be honest, if my husband told me what I could and could not eat, even if it was meant in kindness I would go mad. You're a grown adult not a child and there is no excuse for him telling you that you have a curfew on food.

However, the snoring is an issue and can be really hard to live with - I know from personal experience. You really do owe it to him to address it and try and find a solution.

Would you try a snoring ring or one of those yokes you place on your nose?

czechlin

OP I find it a bit hard to evaluate whether or not is your husband controlling. Is it just the tea-sleep issue you mention here or are there other situations where you find him restricting?

In regards the sleep problem I agree with posters above, as Merkin said 'his delivery might need some fine tuning' but I can see his point. I'm a light sleeper. I've got a problem with noises when I sleep and cannot handle snoring. It feels like a needle piercing through my brain. Few nights of this and I could crawl the walls and turn into a psychotic demon. I often think that falling in love with a chronic snorer could end up tragically. Maybe he's just frustrated and at his wits' end. If that's the only issue than I would try to compromise and cut the sugar and fizzy drinks (again high in sugar) in the evenings, get caffeine free tea or herbal teas (some are delicious and even good for sleeping - that's coming from a person, who despised the idea of any other tea but black for years!) and wait for the results.

LegacyUser

eviltwin wrote: »

Totally agree with Neyite. I have to be honest, if my husband told me what I could and could not eat, even if it was meant in kindness I would go mad. You're a grown adult not a child and there is no excuse for him telling you that you have a curfew on food.

However, the snoring is an issue and can be really hard to live with - I know from personal experience. You really do owe it to him to address it and try and find a solution.

Would you try a snoring ring or one of those yokes you place on your nose?

The OP doesn't have an issue with snoring, they say they don't sleep well/long and that is disturbing their OH's sleep. I agree that the OP is an adult and shouldn't be dictated to by her husband over what and when she can eat/drink but at the same time they are sharing a space and need to accommodate each other. It should be noted it's a myth that sugar keeps you awake or makes you hyper.

OP you state you suffer from 'mild insomnia' but is this just self diagnosed or has a GP confirmed insomnia? People are quick to label any sleep issues as insomnia but the reality is chronic insomnia which means lasting longer then a month is a sign of a bigger health issue. If it is chronic insomnia then you should be speaking to your GP OP or if you suffer from poor sleep quality then it would have other noticeable effects like depression but I suspect it's more a case of the sleeping pattern you have does not match your partners. If you've always had this sleep pattern and it hasn't resulted in you feeling drained or depressed then that means your reaching stage 3 when sleeping. Different people need different amounts of sleep depending on their own bodies and as long as you reach all the stages of sleep then it's enough sleep for you.

If your finding your current sleep pattern affecting your health OP then you should speak to your OP about addressing it but if you've found it doesn't have an impact then consider changing your sleep pattern may in fact have a negative impact on your health. How long have you and your OH been sharing a bed? Did you not live together before marrying? There have been several threads on here about couples finding major issues with sharing beds once they started living together long term. Some couples just aren't sleep compatible and it might be worth considering separate beds for sleeping.

CaraMay

controllinghusband? wrote: »

I am used to getting my own way

And yet you are questioning if he is controlling? How would he be controlling if you are used to getting your own way?

controllinghusband? wrote: »

I've have suffered with mild insomnia all my life.

So why if you 'suffer' from insomnia would you deliberately drink a substance with caffeine or sugar in it which has been medically proven to inhibit sleep.

Sounds to me that you are being the controlling one who still wants to get her own way without trying to help yourself.

December2012

The snoring issue was introduced by me.

Sugar may not keep you awake (not sure I agree with that) but it definitely has a way of making you crash and affecting your body / hormones / rhythms, similar to the way alcohol and caffeine can.

GardenMadness

Basically, he has no right telling you what you may or may not eat or drink. You're a grown woman, these are decisions you can make for yourself.

However, I doubt that, if he feels that he can give these instructions and go mad if you don't comply fully, this is the only way in which he controls you, and I wonder whether this control is affecting your sleep?

In any event, if you can't sleep in the same bed, don't.

IrishEyes19

I would be telling someone where to go if they told me what I could eat or drink, that is out of order. You need find a solution to the sleeping issue, but no one is allowed to control you,

Idle Passerby

I would find it very controlling if my partner threw a fit if I wanted the odd cup of tea. However if your sleep problems means he cant get a decent nights sleep would you consider going to a different room when you cant sleep?

Obliq

I would hate to be told what I could or could not do. That happened me long enough in a marriage and I wouldn't take kindly to it now. Saying that, I also get insomnia from time to time and I DO take full responsibility for when I have brought it on myself.

I have a bad caffeine habit and could cheerfully drink 3 or 4 cups of tea after dinner and up to 10pm. This was doing me no favours at all. Now in my 40's, it is affecting me more and more and I recently gave up tea after dinner in favour of Roibos tea (which I like, because you can put milk in it and it's the same colour as real tea - just tastes like tea with honey in).

My fella has carefully mentioned one or two of my bad habits that have got to him a bit over the years (as have I to him) and I've made every effort to take this on board (the insomnia wasn't one of them). I'm wondering if you, instead of taking on board careful mentions of your habit of bringing insomnia on yourself, have actually kind of ignored all the careful mentions and are now in territory of your fella having to actually get you to sign in blood on a parchment to do anything about your habit?

Teyla Emmagan

Why don't you just give up the tea in the evenings? It seems to be at the root of both your problems. You sound like you're insisting on your cup of tea to be contrary and he sounds like he's worn out watching you taking something that will keep him awake all night. No one needs tea that badly, just find a substitute and let your boyfriend get a rest.

Toots

Try a test run where you switch to decaf tea for a month. I love my tea, but when I was pregnant I switched to decaf and TBH it tastes pretty much the same. I found the Barrys decaf to be the nicest. Also instead of fizzy drinks late at night, try sugar free dilutable juice, and some nice exotic fruits instead of sweets. If you're still having issues with sleep after the month, you'll know that the issue is not being caused by the tea and sweets, and you can have your tea guilt free and if your husband starts kicking up, you can tell him to shove it. However, if you find that your sleep problems go away during the month then it would be pretty selfish to go back to the way things were.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. I have since cut out tea and switched to decaf herbal after 8pm. I am definitely sleeping better. That's the sleeping issue out of the way. Husband is happier.

I still think he is a little controlling in other ways too. I don't know, I just feel like if I agree to something, anything, there is no room for changing it and he won't let it be changed. I love him so much, but I do feel like I can't breathe sometimes. This heavy pressure on my chest, Like I can't express myself.

I am watched what I ate, what I spend money wise and all different kinds of issues. I do think that it's great that he is strict with me, because I need it sometimes but sometimes I just wanna go out for milk and never come back.

LegacyUser

I meant I was 'used to getting my own way' as in when I wasn't married and not living with my partner. In this relationship I compromise on absolutely overtime and do not drink tea or eat after 8pm. I have switched to decaf tea, which helps. I guess my issue is when the children are just going to bed, that's when i used to relax with tea and food and now I can't.

GardenMadness

You think it's great that he watches what you eat and spend? Get yourself a therapist.

czechlin

controllinghusband? wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. I have since cut out tea and switched to decaf herbal after 8pm. I am definitely sleeping better. That's the sleeping issue out of the way. Husband is happier.

I still think he is a little controlling in other ways too. I don't know, I just feel like if I agree to something, anything, there is no room for changing it and he won't let it be changed. I love him so much, but I do feel like I can't breathe sometimes. This heavy pressure on my chest, Like I can't express myself.

I am watched what I ate, what I spend money wise and all different kinds of issues. I do think that it's great that he is strict with me, because I need it sometimes but sometimes I just wanna go out for milk and never come back.

Well, OP, all you stated above is quite disconcerting. Have you tried to talk to your husband about how you feel? As for him being strict with you - why do think you need it? To me that sounds very strange. You're an adult. I see relationships as a sort of partnerships, you're equal and take care of each other but not breathing down each others necks. Not sure if I'm making any sense.

Merkin

controllinghusband? wrote: »

I am watched what I ate, what I spend money wise and all different kinds of issues. I do think that it's great that he is strict with me, because I need it sometimes but sometimes I just wanna go out for milk and never come back.

Can you tell us a bit more about the issues mentioned above?

Because I think he has been quite reasonable re the tea and sugar issue and you were the one unwilling to help the issue so I'm wondering if it's a similar story with the issues mentioned above or if he is genuinely a control freak. Some more information would help.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

Can you tell us a bit more about the issues mentioned above?

Because I think he has been quite reasonable re the tea and sugar issue and you were the one unwilling to help the issue so I'm wondering if it's a similar story with the issues mentioned above or if he is genuinely a control freak. Some more information would help.

When we shop, he doesn't let me stray from the list, even if I am just in the mood for something different. I have to account for every penny that I spend.

LegacyUser

I like that he sticks to his guns about some issue, regard not feeding the kids junk and I like that he is strictly on those issues because I can give in too easily and he keeps me centered. However, he goes too far with me, I feel, watching what I'm eating, saying no to popcorn at the cinema, saying no to things that I might fancy grocery shopping (maybe trying something new) We recently went shopping in a certain shop and he gave me a budget I could spend on clothes, 40 euro as I needed some more, he came around the shop with me and then took my basket and added up to make sure I didn't go over the 40 euro and I had only spent about 35 and he said that's enough now. I just feel like I can't ever just have a little bit of freedom. I don't spend money on much, I always stick to a budget and I don't usually spend a lot of myself. I just feel a little controlled.

bee06

These things do make him sound controlling alright. I hope you don't mind me asking but do ye have money problems that he is worried about?

LegacyUser

bee06 wrote: »

These things do make him sound controlling alright. I hope you don't mind me asking but do ye have money problems that he is worried about?

no, we do ok. It all depends on his mood, If he is in a good mood with me he is more relaxed but if he isn't then it's unbearable.