Controlling or me being selfish?

Merkin

controllinghusband? wrote: »

I like that he sticks to his guns about some issue, regard not feeding the kids junk and I like that he is strictly on those issues because I can give in too easily and he keeps me centered. However, he goes too far with me, I feel, watching what I'm eating, saying no to popcorn at the cinema, saying no to things that I might fancy grocery shopping (maybe trying something new) We recently went shopping in a certain shop and he gave me a budget I could spend on clothes, 40 euro as I needed some more, he came around the shop with me and then took my basket and added up to make sure I didn't go over the 40 euro and I had only spent about 35 and he said that's enough now. I just feel like I can't ever just have a little bit of freedom. I don't spend money on much, I always stick to a budget and I don't usually spend a lot of myself. I just feel a little controlled.

Would you not think about standing up for yourself? Why is he giving you a budget for clothes? Do you not have money of your own?

rcarroll

I could be wrong but I'm taking a wild guess here based on what you've said so far....do you have problems with self-control?

I'm saying that because you have problems sleeping yet can't take the obvious step of eliminating caffeine....once you were 'forced' to do so, problem gone. You admitted yourself your husband was right.

You can't resist giving junk food to your kids even though you know it's bad for them. You also seem unable to stick to a budget with shopping for clothes and impulse buy at the shop.....

Honestly, it depends on how you're painting things here for us - if he watches every penny and goes mad if you spend even €5 over budget the ODD time, or you can't buy anything off the list when you shop for food EVER then yes...he's being controlling.

If however you're on a tight budget and have money issues then sorry, if you tend to overspend I'm with your husband on this. Also - do you tend to leave the finances to him, have him watch the pennies while you spend? - if so, he might be sick of having to juggle finances when you spend without thinking, resulting in over-controlling behaviour (which by the way I don't agree with - I think that could be sorted though by taking more control of your spending yourself).

As for the caffeine and junk food...sorry, but you know both are bad for you, even more so - if you regularly give junk food to your kids that's harmful for them and yes, I would also push you not to do that if I was your partner...

LegacyUser

rcarroll wrote: »

I could be wrong but I'm taking a wild guess here based on what you've said so far....do you have problems with self-control?

I'm saying that because you have problems sleeping yet can't take the obvious step of eliminating caffeine....once you were 'forced' to do so, problem gone. You admitted yourself your husband was right.

You can't resist giving junk food to your kids even though you know it's bad for them. You also seem unable to stick to a budget with shopping for clothes and impulse buy at the shop.....

Honestly, it depends on how you're painting things here for us - if he watches every penny and goes mad if you spend even €5 over budget the ODD time, or you can't buy anything off the list when you shop for food EVER then yes...he's being controlling.

If however you're on a tight budget and have money issues then sorry, if you tend to overspend I'm with your husband on this. Also - do you tend to leave the finances to him, have him watch the pennies while you spend? - if so, he might be sick of having to juggle finances when you spend without thinking, resulting in over-controlling behaviour (which by the way I don't agree with - I think that could be sorted though by taking more control of your spending yourself).

As for the caffeine and junk food...sorry, but you know both are bad for you, even more so - if you regularly give junk food to your kids that's harmful for them and yes, I would also push you not to do that if I was your partner...

I don't think you red my post properly. I CAN stick to a budget and I DO stick to my budgets, however he GAVE me 40 euro to buy new clothes and was STILL watching waht i spend even though I AM capble of sticking to a budget. I DONT overspend and do watch out ALL the time. I HAVE cut out caffeine and sugar AFTER 8pm.

LegacyUser

rcarroll wrote: »

I could be wrong but I'm taking a wild guess here based on what you've said so far....do you have problems with self-control?

I'm saying that because you have problems sleeping yet can't take the obvious step of eliminating caffeine....once you were 'forced' to do so, problem gone. You admitted yourself your husband was right.

You can't resist giving junk food to your kids even though you know it's bad for them. You also seem unable to stick to a budget with shopping for clothes and impulse buy at the shop.....

Honestly, it depends on how you're painting things here for us - if he watches every penny and goes mad if you spend even €5 over budget the ODD time, or you can't buy anything off the list when you shop for food EVER then yes...he's being controlling.

If however you're on a tight budget and have money issues then sorry, if you tend to overspend I'm with your husband on this. Also - do you tend to leave the finances to him, have him watch the pennies while you spend? - if so, he might be sick of having to juggle finances when you spend without thinking, resulting in over-controlling behaviour (which by the way I don't agree with - I think that could be sorted though by taking more control of your spending yourself).

As for the caffeine and junk food...sorry, but you know both are bad for you, even more so - if you regularly give junk food to your kids that's harmful for them and yes, I would also push you not to do that if I was your partner...

My children have a treat day once a week. Which includes one chocolate bar. I would like them to be able to enjoy cake at their friends birthdays which my husbands refuse and doesn't allow for special occasions, such as easter or Xmas. I think that birthdays and special occasion should be an exception to the rule. Does this make me a bad mother?

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

Would you not think about standing up for yourself? Why is he giving you a budget for clothes? Do you not have money of your own?

It's so hard to get my point across and makes the situation worse and I try to avoid this because of the kids. We have a joint bank account and all money is slipt because we are married. I work part time, but don't earn that much.

Chara1001

I dunno Op, the more I read, the less I like what you're saying about him

LegacyUser

Chara1001 wrote: »

I dunno Op, the more I read, the less I like what you're saying about him

I think my confidence is at rock bottom and now I'm starting to doubt myself. Sometimes I feel it's because the way I am that he has to be like this. I don't know.

December2012

Why do you think he does this?

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

Why do you think he does this?

I think I let things go to far and wasn't strong enough to stand up for myself and now he seems to always think he is right. I don't know, maybe I am really that bad? I just feel a bit low .

LegacyUser

OP was he always like this? Was he like this before you were married and had children??'

Neyite

Chara1001 wrote: »

I dunno Op, the more I read, the less I like what you're saying about him

Me either to be honest. You contribute to the family money, so you should get to voice an opinion on what it is spent on. For him to be controlling every penny that you spend, especially since you yourself earn some of that money, IS financial abuse as defined by Womens Aid.

He treats you the same way as he treats your children - and he is unyieldingly strict. What happens when the children break his rules? What punishments does he dole out? Does he show anger, and if so, how?

By the way, this is YOUR thread, if you feel that we are asking you questions that you feel you'd prefer not to answer, thats your right, so feel free to ignore my questions if you prefer.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

Me either to be honest. You contribute to the family money, so you should get to voice an opinion on what it is spent on. For him to be controlling every penny that you spend, especially since you yourself earn some of that money, IS financial abuse as defined by Womens Aid.

He treats you the same way as he treats your children - and he is unyieldingly strict. What happens when the children break his rules? What punishments does he dole out? Does he show anger, and if so, how?

By the way, this is YOUR thread, if you feel that we are asking you questions that you feel you'd prefer not to answer, thats your right, so feel free to ignore my questions if you prefer.

Children are small yet and are very good, but I get your point. I don't know. It doesn't get violent.

However, he doesn't punish me if I break the rules. Like, he will go off for the day and not help out or not talk much to me, another time he cut off the internet and disconnect the tv. Refuse to bring me somewhere he has already promised and withholds sex. I just feel it's easier to go along with it. I hate fighting and I can't stand if someone is mad about me.

Merkin

controllinghusband? wrote: »

It's so hard to get my point across and makes the situation worse and I try to avoid this because of the kids. We have a joint bank account and all money is slipt because we are married. I work part time, but don't earn that much.

If you're pooling your resources you should have an equal say in how it's spent.

Why is it hard to get your point across? How does he react if you try to stand up for yourself?

rcarroll

hi OP, I'm sorry if my post hit a nerve- I just wasn't sure how to read the situation on previous information. After your responses it seems that your husband is way out of line and no, you're not at all a bad mother. If he's controlling to that extent - that your kids can't have a bit of cake now and again, and he's controlling all the money, then I think there's a fairly serious problem...I hope you're ok - this doesn't sound like a healthy normal situation.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

If you're pooling your resources you should have an equal say in how it's spent.

Why is it hard to get your point across? How does he react if you try to stand up for yourself?

I somehow always end up the one begging for forgiveness. I know I sound pathetic and weak. He has a way of making it my fault or it's impossible to reason with. Sometimes, I just say sorry for it to be over with. We don't argue regularly, we only argue if I try and break the routine. like, suggest new things. I don't anymore but I do feel a bit trapped. I do love him so much.

LegacyUser

rcarroll wrote: »

hi OP, I'm sorry if my post hit a nerve- I just wasn't sure how to read the situation on previous information. After your responses it seems that your husband is way out of line and no, you're not at all a bad mother. If he's controlling to that extent - that your kids can't have a bit of cake now and again, and he's controlling all the money, then I think there's a fairly serious problem...I hope you're ok - this doesn't sound like a healthy normal situation.

Thank you, I think I wasn't explaining myself properly. A bit all over the place. Thanks for concern. I do love him and want to work through this.

Stavro Mueller

I didn't read rcarroll's post as a criticism of the sort of mother you are. What jumped out at me was this comment " I like that he is strictly on those issues because I can give in too easily and he keeps me centered. What's that all about? Do you feel some sort of dependence on him?

Are you afraid to bring the subject up with him?

LegacyUser

cymbaline wrote: »

I didn't read rcarroll's post as a criticism of the sort of mother you are. What jumped out at me was this comment " I like that he is strictly on those issues because I can give in too easily and he keeps me centered. What's that all about? Do you feel some sort of dependence on him?

Are you afraid to bring the subject up with him?

If it was up to me, the kids would eat whatever they wanted at their birthdays, their friends' birthdays, Xmas, Easter, Halloween. I am would be the sort that would maybe just decide on a whim to bring the kids off for the day and not watch what they eat. I wasn't brought up as strict as he is and I do agree that kids get way too much junk these days but I just am a bit more relaxed. Our kids don't really have a sweet tooth and do eat great which I am very glad off, but I just think flexibility is ok. I'm defo afraid because the last time I did, he stormed off for the day and refused to come back unless I agreed to say sorry and I feel like each time I bring it up, he somehow gets stricter with me?
I like peace and i like having a stable home.

LegacyUser

I do feel dependent on him for sure. I am starting to question my own judgement and also feel like I wouldn't be able to cope without him. I don't want to rock the boat.

Neyite

controllinghusband? wrote: »

Children are small yet and are very good, but I get your point. I don't know. It doesn't get violent.

However, he doesn't punish me if I break the rules. Like, he will go off for the day and not help out or not talk much to me, another time he cut off the internet and disconnect the tv. Refuse to bring me somewhere he has already promised and withholds sex. I just feel it's easier to go along with it. I hate fighting and I can't stand if someone is mad about me.

But that is how he punishes you! Who is he to cut off internet and tv because you disobeyed him? Or withhold intimacy or bring you somewhere.

Dont you see? He is not physically violent, because he does not need to be. You back down when he is unhappy with what you are doing. So he does not need to raise his voice or his hand to you.

So what happens when the children get older and start to give a bit of cheek back, they can push our buttons you know. Or do the children, as young as they are, already know that if they dont do what daddy says, its big trouble.

So, he controls what you eat, and when you eat.
controls when you sleep.
controls what you spend on groceries, and you are not allowed to spend anything more than what he has given previous agreement to.
You can only buy clothes for yourself if you ask him for money, and he decides how much you spend.
controls when children get treats - no spontaneity even at a birthday party.
He withdraws when you disobey, or leaves you to do all the work.
He cuts off internet or tv to punish you
Ignores you to punish you.
He withholds sex to punish you
He didnt give you a lift somewhere to punish you.

This is abuse. Financial, and emotional abuse.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

But that is how he punishes you! Who is he to cut off internet and tv because you disobeyed him? Or withhold intimacy or bring you somewhere.

Dont you see? He is not physically violent, because he does not need to be. You back down when he is unhappy with what you are doing. So he does not need to raise his voice or his hand to you.

So what happens when the children get older and start to give a bit of cheek back, they can push our buttons you know. Or do the children, as young as they are, already know that if they dont do what daddy says, its big trouble.

So, he controls what you eat, and when you eat.
controls when you sleep.
controls what you spend on groceries, and you are not allowed to spend anything more than what he has given previous agreement to.
You can only buy clothes for yourself if you ask him for money, and he decides how much you spend.
controls when children get treats - no spontaneity even at a birthday party.
He withdraws when you disobey, or leaves you to do all the work.
He cuts off internet or tv to punish you
Ignores you to punish you.
He withholds sex to punish you
He didnt give you a lift somewhere to punish you.

This is abuse. Financial, and emotional abuse.

Kid adores him, but do know when daddy says no he spends it and don't ask again.
He feels that that is the only way to get it through to me.

Stavro Mueller

controllinghusband? wrote: »

If it was up to me, the kids would eat whatever they wanted at their birthdays, their friends' birthdays, Xmas, Easter, Halloween. I am would be the sort that would maybe just decide on a whim to bring the kids off for the day and not watch what they eat. I wasn't brought up as strict as he is and I do agree that kids get way too much junk these days but I just am a bit more relaxed. Our kids don't really have a sweet tooth and do eat great which I am very glad off, but I just think flexibility is ok. I'm defo afraid because the last time I did, he stormed off for the day and refused to come back unless I agreed to say sorry and I feel like each time I bring it up, he somehow gets stricter with me?
I like peace and i like having a stable home.

You seem to be obsessed with what the kids are eating. Is it your means of deflecting attention away from the real issue here. That you're married to a controlling bully who treats you like an errant child.

Jenneke87

OP, I feel sad reading your posts. First I figured it wasn't rather harmless, don't drink tea after a certain hour, issue solves. But you husband sounds so mean, almost like a tyrant. €40 to spend on new clothes? A bra can cost more than that alone if you want a good one. Kids not treated during birthdays or christmas What's next, he wants you all to shower with cold water because it saves money? He's chipping away at your self esteem and your spirit, is this really how you want your children to grow up, if you have a son, do you want this man to be his role model? Just reading the things you say about him makes me wanna run real fast, I cannot even imagine what it must be like living with someone so mean and demeaning day in day out. Please get some advice on how to get out, you will lose yourself because of this relationship, everything you love about yourself you will see it dissapearing in order to appease him and to keep him happy, till your nothing but a shadow of your former self. Is that how you want to spend the rest of your life, broken and catering to all of his demands? Please don't do this to yourself and your children. Get out, it's not worth it and he certainly isn't.

LegacyUser

cymbaline wrote: »

You seem to be obsessed with what the kids are eating. Is it your means of deflecting attention away from the real issue here. That you're married to a controlling bully who treats you like an errant child.

What can I do about it? I don't want to leave him.

LegacyUser

Jenneke87 wrote: »

OP, I feel sad reading your posts. First I figured it wasn't rather harmless, don't drink tea after a certain hour, issue solves. But you husband sounds so mean, almost like a tyrant. €40 to spend on new clothes? A bra can cost more than that alone if you want a good one. Kids not treated during birthdays or christmas What's next, he wants you all to shower with cold water because it saves money? He's chipping away at your self esteem and your spirit, is this really how you want your children to grow up, if you have a son, do you want this man to be his role model? Just reading the things you say about him makes me wanna run real fast, I cannot even imagine what it must be like living with someone so mean and demeaning day in day out. Please get some advice on how to get out, you will lose yourself because of this relationship, everything you love about yourself you will see it dissapearing in order to appease him and to keep him happy, till your nothing but a shadow of your former self. Is that how you want to spend the rest of your life, broken and catering to all of his demands? Please don't do this to yourself and your children. Get out, it's not worth it and he certainly isn't.

I wouldn't even know where to begin without him? I don't know if I could cope. I don't have family to turn to and don't have any friends anymore.

czechlin

Dear OP, I wasn't sure what exactly to make of your first post. Didn't get a good feeling from your second posts but after reading all the rest, well, I'm sorry to say but things don't look great. He is controlling. And the longer he gets away with it the worse it'll become imo. Is there somebody you could talk to about it? Who could give you a little bit of support? (you say you don't have much confidence) You need to address this issue and stand up for yourself (and your kids too). Do you think you can talk to him about it or are you afraid of him/his reaction?

Stavro Mueller

If you're living in Ireland, would you consider giving Women's Aid a call 1800 341 900. Just for a chat to someone... www.womensaid.ie

Incidentally, why have you no friends any more? Did he isolate you from them?

Colser

Hi OP..I hope you dont mind me saying this but I think this is a terrible situation that you are in and I find it upsetting to hear what you are being subjected to by you husband.In my opinion this is a very abusive relationship that will wear you down completely.
You seem to have no control at all over any part of your life, you cannot go shopping or even treat your children without your husbands permission.I cannot believe he would turn off tv ect to punish you .I dont know any husband /partner that would dream of doing this, when did this behaviour start? I can only imagine the atmosphere in your house and Im sure the children are picking up on it too. I wonder if family/friends are aware of what he is like or does he act differently in company.
You say you love him so OP but I cant see whats lovable about him from your posts.I can imagine that it would be difficult/impossible to discuss your issues with him but maybe you could talk it over with someone else and try work out a way to get some control back in your marriage as you dont seem to consider leaving as an option.

Neyite

controllinghusband? wrote: »

What can I do about it? I don't want to leave him.

You cant do anything. Its that simple. He will never change, they never do, and as long as you stay in that relationship there is nothing you can do to change him. If you try to stand up to him, its likely that the controlling behaviour will intensify, and you say yourself you hate confrontation and back down.

The only way of getting rid of that controlling behaviour in your life is to leave. Which is what you say you dont want to do.

Take some time to process your thoughts - its a lot to take in in such a short time frame. Have a look at Womens Aid and this explanation of emotional abuse may be particularly pertinent to your situation. Finally, there is a book that you can read which might shed some light on why he does what he does. Though it may be difficult for you to spend that kind of money without him knowing.

It seems that I post these links here in PI far to often these days.

I understand it will take time to to process this all. It took me months to leave, and I didn't have children or financial dependence to complicate the situation. I could just pack and leave, but it was still hard. But, if, after you read any of those links, and want to talk to someone, you should contact womens aid. they are absolutely brilliant. Even if you stay with him, they will support you with that decision, ensuring you know how to keep safe.

LegacyUser

A sort of chill has been growing in me with each post from you. I wondered from the first if you were too afraid to criticize your husband and were afraid of even anonymously telling us (strangers on the internet) just how controlling he is.

If he's watching what you spend on clothes to that extent, watching what you eat, making sure your children never get a spontaneous treat, that's quite creepy sounding. He sounds VERY controlling to me.

You said in an earlier post that you feel you can't breathe and would love to just go out for milk and not return....

I think you're more scared of him than you're letting on here, and it seems to me like you definitely need help.

Go with other advice on here and contact Women's Aid.