Sick Boyfriend

username123

OP, what do his medical people say? Is his doctor saying it's time he got back to work?

Pinkmoon19

username123 wrote: »

OP, what do his medical people say? Is his doctor saying it's time he got back to work?

His Pyhsio says that he should go back to work when he feels ready, but hasn't said he definitely should or shouldn't.

username123

wolfen wrote: »

His Pyhsio says that he should go back to work when he feels ready, but hasn't said he definitely should or shouldn't.

Right. Perhaps the thing to do would be for him to "practice" being back at work. Could he get up and go off for a day or half day and go to a local library, sit using their computers for a bit, walk to shelves, get a book, read it for a bit, back to computer etc... That way he gets out of the comfort zone of being at home, but he can go home if he has to. If he can do that, he can go back to work.

Also, what does his GP say. To be blunt, a lot of us have to work despite pain (I have had pre and post op knee surgery pain that lasted months, even years, but I had to just put up with it because the mortgage had to be paid).

Could you be making his life too easy for him? Ultimately if one partner feels the other is taking advantage then that is a bad thing. But because of the subjective nature of pain then its a very hard call as to whether or not he "should" be able to work.

Also - he is not getting any help from social welfare?

Semele

The post about the biopsychosocial nature of pain and disability was bang on, OP. It might be an idea to ask for a referral to a therapist, ideally one specialising in health related concerns.

We pick up so many bits and bobs of beliefs/information/misinformation about health and illness in our lives- from throwaway remarks by a doctor that take root, to old wives tales, to "templates" for behaviour that we get through seeing how other people respond to serious illness. All of these mean that when it comes to being ill or in pain ourselves, our brain uses this whole mishmash that we've picked up to make sense of the situation, and a lot of the time we are not aware of these underlying thoughts. A therapist who is experienced in health related conditions could help your partner to identify the blocks to going back to work etc and to evaluate how true these are.

An example of a block might be the common (often wrong) belief that rest is the best means of recovery. So you rest, and you wait for things to get better, thinking that you will eventually get back to normal. But in excessively resting over a long period of time you might become very unfit. The next time you have to exert yourself for something it feels unusually hard and you feel weak/tired/breathless etc because of how out of condition you are. You then mistakenly attribute this feeling of weakness/tiredness to the illness, rather than seeing it as an unrelated consequence of your behaviour. This in turn feeds back in to the belief that you are ill and can't exert yourself, so you rest even more. The second consequence of this is that you never give yourself a chance to test your belief.

I hope that makes sense! A good therapist would help your partner identify what is driving his belief that pain=not being able to do much. A usual practice is to start testing these beliefs by activity-scheduling, which is agreeing activities to try over a period of time in order to test out how much you are capable of and how they make you feel. People often find that, contrary to their belief, they actually feel better if they rest less and become fitter again, in addition to the fact that mood often perks up once there's more going on in your life again. In doing this they gain a more accurate understanding of what their own limits really are and are able to make realistic goals that won't either push them too much or inadvertently increase the perceived level of disability.

Maura74

wolfen wrote: »

He doesn't have an employer. We worked in Asia for over an year and since we've been back he hasn't been working. So if he gets a job it will be with a new employer.

OP partner has the added anxiety/stress of finding suitable employment, this will very difficult if he is experiencing pain/anxiety.

OP what I have found swimming is the best exercise of all as it will not damage his existing condition and it will certainly make him feel good after it.

sligoface

I think it sounds like you are more concerned about having your life go according to the plan you've made in your head than you are about your boyfriend's mental and physical health. There's a reason the marriage vows have that whole 'in sickness and in health' bit. His chronic pain is likely affecting his confidence to go back to work because he thonks that his limited movement could create problems with keeping up with his duties and make him a target for criticism. He's probably worried that if he starts working again he will be less productive than he would be without the pain and look bad, get criticized, have to explain the problem to his boss, maybe lose the job. And that is probably what will happen if he is pushed to go back before he is physically ready. When he feels well enough to work hard and impress a new employer, he won't have as much anxiety about returning to work, and is more likely to be successful in his new position. Chronic pain often leads to anxiety/depression issues and these get exacerbated in a lot of workplace environments where your performance is being monitored all the time.

What if your bf got better and was working, but then you had an injury or illness that forced you out of work, wouldn't you expect him to support you? And God forbid, what if something like that happened to you now while he was still in bad health - you would both need each other very much, to be sure. It might feel one sided now, but that doesn't mean it will be that way forever. The shoe could be on the other foot some day.

Two years ago, I was out of work for a time and my gf was working. We still split rent/bills but she often had to feed us or pay for things like the cinema or whatever. I know it annoyed her sometimes and I wasn't happy bout it either. Then she lost her job, and I managed to get one. So then I was the one feeding us and paying for the extras. And yes it annoyed me sometimes tbh, even though I hadn't forgotten how she supported us before. Now, both of us are out of work, are barely able to pay for the most basic necessities, and rarely able to afford anything extra. Having experienced those three situations I can say with certainty that either of us would jump at the chance to be in full time work and be happy to support the other person who is still stuck without work, no matter if it is due to ill health or just a lack of employment opportunities. That's what a partnership is about.

If your bf is a kind and loving person who you believe in your heart would support you if you were the one in ill health, then the way I see it is: you have a job, you have your health, and you have love. That's a lot to be thankful for. By all means help him and encourage him to attain his own health and his own job, but to consider sending him packing to his mother as you said makes me think your love is becoming quite conditional and is largely based on him being a conduit to your plans for marriage and children. It's either that, or you genuinely have good reason to think he is taking the pss, faking the injury and is happy to have you pay for everything. Which most men are not, because both sexes are conditioned to expect the man to be the breadwinner. But sometimes life forces you to take on a role you did not expect or plan for, it's not usually permanent though and you often learn a lot from these situations.

Overheal

Depression is a real thing. Anxiety is a real thing.

Tendinitis is definitely a real thing.

I had my workers comp injury in October of 2012? I still have noticeable back issues. It starts with a lumbar strain and while you continue to try and work on it, the rest of your back tries to overcompensate and suddenly you have middle back problems, upper back problems, spine and neck misalignment, and yes I am not sure how but somehow the tendons in my shoulder blade are pretty messed up and I have no feeling around one of the knots, you can poke it and prod it, nada.

I chose to continue working when frankly, I shouldn't have. Especially for the entire piss of money retail will get you.

Friend at work, loves to surf, but has the bone structure of a beanstalk. She's had 4 different surgeries on knees and wrists. The wrists most recently because she tried to be too independent at work, a 120lb girl trying to get a 55" TV for a customer. The first surgery on her knee had something to do with surfing, and the 2nd happened purely for the fact that she skirted doctor advice and went out surfing again the moment a doctor said it would be OK soon if she took it cautiously, and she went all in.

Sorry, I rant a lot. Clearly. The point is, body injuries can take a lot of time to recover, and don't always recover 100%. I'm still dealing with mine 15+ months later. That girl has been in and out of medical leave for almost 3 years. If a doctor says to take it easy TAKE IT EASY Injuries are NOT forever but FFS they do take a long time to recover properly. Give it its due caution.

Pinkmoon19

Hi Everyone,

First off thanks for all your advice in this thread, I really appreciate it. I went to the specialist yesterday with my OH. This was the 2nd appointment, he had an examination and an MRI previous to this. Now I am not medically minded so this might not be exact, but basically: The specialist can see no abnormality in the shoulder joint, the hyper-trophism detected is at a normal level. He is suggesting that the best route to go is the Chronic pain route, which would include Psychology, Psychiatry and pain management.
In fairness the specialist was great and spent over 40 minutes with us, but what he ultimately feels is that anxiety is a bigger problem here. He thinks that my OH needs to DE-emphasize the pain and stop letting it be the biggest thing in his life. I asked Doc does he feel that work would dis-improve the condition and his response was along the lines of work will help mentally, and to have a new focus would be extremely beneficial.
This is what I have felt for a while, like for example if we are spending the day out or have some function or something to attend OH gets so worked up that he is going to be in pain that he ends up in pain, so I guess the Psychology etc will help him correct that behavior.
Based on all this I think that he does need to go back to work, now that I know his depression is so acute I think it will be extremely challenging for him and that I will need to be behind him and push him to see that it's the right choice. Thoughts anyone?

Penny Tration

If you accept that his depression and anxiety is bad enough tthat it exacerbates the physical pain he is feeling (something the specialist seems to agree with, since they're recommending psychological treatment), why would you push him to go to work.

Honestly, I felt a lot of sympathy for you when following your thread, but your last post has shocked me.

If he's mentally ill (something both you and the doctor seem to agree he is), you cannot force him to work.

Let him get some treatment for it. Going to work isn't going to fix mental illness. Treatment will.

It sounds like you're pushing and pushing because YOU want him to have a job. That's fair enough but you need to take a step back and realise that if he's mentally ill, you putting so much pressure on him is not going to help. Give him a chance to see a psychologist and pspsychiatrist and get his mental health under control.

He may be physically able to work, that does not mean mentally he is up to it.

I really think you need to step back and let him get help instead of forcing this issue.

Pinkmoon19

Let him get some treatment for it. Going to work isn't going to fix mental illness. Treatment will.

So would you feel that sitting at home alone all day would be more beneficial? I am not saying I don't want him to get treatment, I absolutely do and I think a Psychologist would be of great benefit. But I think that getting back to work is part of the recovery.

I'm not pushing him back to work for money or for material gains, I'm pushing him back to work because I feel that it would be really good for him mentally. The Specialist said yesterday that in his opinion having goals and achieving them in a working capacity is the best way through this.

Don't forget that the original reason that my OH quit work was because he was worried it would dis-improve his condition, we've now been told that this in not the case. So it is irrational for him to fear going back to work, nothing bad is going to happen, physically, by going back to work.

Mentally how else would you overcome a fear of doing something, without doing it, and seeing for yourself that nothing bad will happen to you. Fearing work and Fearing activities is not the way forward. The longer he is in fear of going back to work, the more fear he will have.

I actually feel in way it might be a relief for him to get through a day of work, and say at the end of it that he has done it. Wouldn't that be the best for his self-esteem, instead of staying at home and beating himself up for it?

Penny Tration

wolfen wrote: »

Let him get some treatment for it. Going to work isn't going to fix mental illness. Treatment will.



So would you feel that sitting at home alone all day would be more beneficial? I am not saying I don't want him to get treatment, I absolutely do and I think a Psychologist would be of great benefit. But I think that getting back to work is part of the recovery.

I'm not pushing him back to work for money or for material gains, I'm pushing him back to work because I feel that it would be really good for him mentally. The Specialist said yesterday that in his opinion having goals and achieving them in a working capacity is the best way through this.

Don't forget that the original reason that my OH quit work was because he was worried it would dis-improve his condition, we've now been told that this in not the case. So it is irrational for him to fear going back to work, nothing bad is going to happen, physically, by going back to work.

Mentally how else would you overcome a fear of doing something, without doing it, and seeing for yourself that nothing bad will happen to you. Fearing work and Fearing activities is not the way forward. The longer he is in fear of going back to work, the more fear he will have.

I actually feel in way it might be a relief for him to get through a day of work, and say at the end of it that he has done it. Wouldn't that be the best for his self-esteem, instead of staying at home and beating himself up for it?

I never said he should sit on his backside all day.

Ultimately I think you need to educate yourself about mental illness. You say his fear is irrational - of course it is. Anxiety and depression make you have irrational fears and believe me, being forced to do something that you're anxious and depressed about doesn't help.

The specialist thinks it could help him to go back to work, which is great. The specialist, however, isn't a mental health specialist.

I'm not suggesting you accept him sitting back and doing nothing.

I suggesting you stop pressuring him for a few weeks, until he gets some treatment and speaks to a mental health professional. Then HE can discuss his concerns around work with them and they can help him to rationalise his fears.

As I said above, I think you need to learn more about just how debilitating mental illness can be.

Merkin

I'm glad that you were able to go and see the consultant with him Wolfen. It seems that one condition exacerbates the other - his anxiety makes his pain appear worse and any pain causes him anxiety, a vicious cycle to be in.

I think you should sit down with your partner and set some realistic goals that you are both happy with, it will require baby steps and gentle encouragement from you. Start small and work up from that.

Maybe start with a day a week and definitely encourage him to get the help of the psychologist as recommended as soon as possible. His anxiety seems to be a big stumbling block so if this can be addressed and he can be helped in that regard, hopefully he can begin to get his life back.

Semele

I agree with Merkin- get the referral to psychology and pain management in and they will help him plan a phased return at an appropriate pace so that he pushes himself just enough to challenge his entrenched fears but not enough to feel he isn't capable. I wouldn't push him to go back until he starts having some help from them and starts to feel a bit more on top of things. It's all about building up his sense of competence and mastery again, which is probably at rock bottom between the pain and anxiety.

retro:electro

OP I am going to be blunt and say that I think you are being very unfair on your boyfriend. In one of your first posts you say how you fear for the life you have and then subsequently contradict that and you say you're doing this all for him. I'm afraid I don't believe you and I think you're being pretty selfish about the whole thing. He is in a difficult situation where neither of his ailments are visible to you. It's not like he has a broken arm or leg where you can say alright you're all better now off to work you go. How about you let him decide when he feels ready to go back up work instead of worrying about the life you may have now that he has taken ill. I felt for you in your initial post but after reading your subsequent posts I no longer do.

You going along to the doctors visit with him was probably an attempt on your behalf to quiz the doctor about when he can go back to work, and use that against your boyfriend like "well the doctor said you can so you must be ok".
You say you fear for the life you may have if it continues, well perhaps it's your boyfriend who needs to fear as he seemingly has a very unsupportive, pushy girlfriend.

Tramps Like Us

OP you are very selfish and borderline uncaring.

I cant imagine what its like for your bf with the constant pushing him to go back to work including banging that drum at the docs - all the while your bf knows he cant do it and isnt ready. Your behavior and the pressure you are putting on him must be making him miserable and certainly wont be helping him with his problems.

Him working should be the last thing that matters here, the problem is that he is suffering chronic pain and anxiety - your priorities are warped

retro:electro

Totally agree with the above post. The post about visiting the specialist said it all really, she was more concerned about asking the doctor when he can work again then getting helpful info on the nature of his ailments. Her primary concern seems to be him getting back to work, regardless of him wanting to or feeling he needs to. "I worry he can't give me what I need in life", I mean really?!? Are you for real? Ya because you are really giving him everything he needs right now aren't you.

Chara1001

To be honest, I think the OP is doing her best.
She's not questioning that his illness- whether physical/ mental/ combination of the two is real, but she's entitled to have questions about the future, to voice her side, and to give her opinion on what she thinks would be the best thing for her boyfriend to do.

It's very tough looking after someone who is ill, it has happened in my own family and especially when there is no improvement to that person- and no improvement forthcoming.
The reality is that the person who is doing the caring, or the partner who has to be strong enough for both has a very difficult position. My aunt has just died of cancer, and her husband had been looking after her for two years. I know it's a different scenario, but he needed support also during this time, and trying to be upbeat, positive, supportive and sympathetic to make someone's life a little happier isn't always easy.

The op says this started about a year ago, her boyfriend has been through a lot- but she has been there to help him through it.
We don't know if him going back to work is a good idea or not, it might be a terrible one! But I think some of the responses here are a bit unfair to her.

mlumley

wolfen wrote: »

Hi Everyone,

First off thanks for all your advice in this thread, I really appreciate it. I went to the specialist yesterday with my OH. This was the 2nd appointment, he had an examination and an MRI previous to this. Now I am not medically minded so this might not be exact, but basically: The specialist can see no abnormality in the shoulder joint, the hyper-trophism detected is at a normal level. He is suggesting that the best route to go is the Chronic pain route, which would include Psychology, Psychiatry and pain management.
In fairness the specialist was great and spent over 40 minutes with us, but what he ultimately feels is that anxiety is a bigger problem here. He thinks that my OH needs to DE-emphasize the pain and stop letting it be the biggest thing in his life. I asked Doc does he feel that work would dis-improve the condition and his response was along the lines of work will help mentally, and to have a new focus would be extremely beneficial.
This is what I have felt for a while, like for example if we are spending the day out or have some function or something to attend OH gets so worked up that he is going to be in pain that he ends up in pain, so I guess the Psychology etc will help him correct that behavior.
Based on all this I think that he does need to go back to work, now that I know his depression is so acute I think it will be extremely challenging for him and that I will need to be behind him and push him to see that it's the right choice. Thoughts anyone?

yes. You may be right. Talk to him about about finding work part time. But, don't nag him keep it nice and in small doses. Try getting him to go swimming with you. Even go out walking and things like that If he is too comfortable at home, he will stay comfortable. Don't let him Talk to him about his anxiety and reassure him that you will stay by him, if he tries hard to get back to work

sligoface

Sounds like you went with him to the doctor simply to get an answer as to when he can work again with the intent of using that info to push him into working whether he is ready or not.

Doctors can suggest treatment for symptoms but in many cases it's impossible for them to know how much pain you are in. It's true that physical pain can be psychosomatic, unfortunately, this can lead to a diagnosis of 'it's all in your head' when they can't explain or treat the pain effectively. It can be a way of shifting the blame to the patient. You should be going to the doctor to find out how to help him get better because you want him to be happy, not to acquire an ally in your agenda to get him bringing in a paycheck again. If a man was doing this to his female partner he'd be considered heartless and mean.

rcarroll

I have to say OP I feel for you after the attacks you've gotten here....lets face it, if the doctors cleared him to work then he should go back and stop overhyping his injury...I had tendonitis in my shoulder this year and I continued to work and do all my normal activities as per the physio suggested. If you have to work you find a way...the physio also insisted I dont over support and mind the arm, you have to use it and ok be careful not to do activities that exacerbate it...heck Im back rock climbing 10mths later. ..Supporting your partner is good but I think here can be too much

retro:electro

rcarroll wrote: »

I have to say OP I feel for you after the attacks you've gotten here....lets face it, if the doctors cleared him to work then he should go back and stop overhyping his injury...I had tendonitis in my shoulder this year and I continued to work and do all my normal activities as per the physio suggested. If you have to work you find a way...the physio also insisted I dont over support and mind the arm, you have to use it and ok be careful not to do activities that exacerbate it...heck Im back rock climbing 10mths later. ..Supporting your partner is good but I think here can be too much

There are no "attacks" going on here. The OP has asked for advice, some she may like and some she may not. It's sad that you think the OP's partner is overhyping his ailments. You refer to his tendonitis but you failed to mention his anxiety and depression which the specialist has said is the big issue here. It's sad that this day and age conditions like these are still not being given the right attention and treatment that they need and are instead being labelled "overhyped". Very sad indeed.

rcarroll

The specialist said that he might be over indulging his fear of pain and over thinking things. I abaolutely have time for and support for people that have issues bit I also know you can create anxiety over an issue by giving too much attention and indulgence to it. I know because I allowed myself get depressed with the first shoukder injury and had to cop on, work as I didnt have the choice financially, and find a way to deal with the fear of never doing what I love again. I pushed myself to keep going and allow my body time.to recuperate without falling into the trap of thinking Id never get there....sometimes a tough push is neeed as well as love...and its easier to allow someone wallow than push sometimes

Pinkmoon19

Thanks everyone for your posts. Anna08 and tramps like us, I find your messages extremely unfair. I know myself how much support and care I have given my OH so I'm not going to go through it all and justify myself to you. Sligo face saying I went to the doctor to quiz him is just untrue, and I think if ur just in this discussion to mud-sling you should probably unfollow.

Why is not ok for me to say that financially I can't cope any longer? We came home from teaching abroad, I went back to a job that I didn't like to support us. Right now our rent is over €1000, put on top of the bills and a car to run. My Oh goes to physio every week which costs €50, he tries to give my €100 a week, which is great but barely makes a dint in the monthly bills. I understand he has depressions but why is not ok for me to say My savings are gone, I physically cannot pay for everything?
What is un-supportive about that? It's honest. Should I just pretend that I'm not under pressure and that I have more than enough money to cover everything to keep him from stressing out?

Stheno

wolfen wrote: »

Why is not ok for me to say that financially I can't cope any longer? We came home from teaching abroad, I went back to a job that I didn't like to support us. Right now our rent is over €1000, put on top of the bills and a car to run. My Oh goes to physio every week which costs €50, he tries to give my €100 a week, which is great but barely makes a dint in the monthly bills. I understand he has depressions but why is not ok for me to say My savings are gone, I physically cannot pay for everything?
What is un-supportive about that? It's honest. Should I just pretend that I'm not under pressure and that I have more than enough money to cover everything to keep him from stressing out?

It's fine for you to say you are struggling financially.

However if your OH is struggling with getting back to work,, then perhaps you both need to sit down and look at where you can cut back on your spending and help him get to a point where he does feel well enough to go back to work?

Gatling

Completely behind the Op on this ,
Op was advised by several posters including myself to attend her bfs specialist appointment ,uncaring act absolutely not ,she needed to know how bad his condition actually was ,and it seems the problem wasn't physical as bad as it was been made out to be ,and probably related to his past anxiety and depression episodes,
The op has real genuine concerns bills stacking up so while she's slogging it out to keep their heads above water ,she gets attacked for been cold and uncaring,

Sooner or later something will break ,

Either the ops health or her own mental health will begin to suffer

Pinkmoon19

Stheno, we genuinely have cut back as much as we possibly can. I'm trying my best to help him get to a point where he does feel well enough, and I think seeing a Psychologist will really help with this. Gatling thanks a million for your post, really appreciate it!

Pinkmoon19

Hi Everyone,

I know it's been ages since I last posted here, and probably no-one is interested in the outcome of this, but I thought I would post anyway.
So eventually in mid-march I decided that we should have trial break, I really needed some head space and to take a step back from everything. Actually being completely honest I was starting to feel very down in the dumps myself, with the constant cycle of working hard all day and coming home to take on a "carer" role in the evenings, not to mention the stress of paying all the bills etc. During the break he acted quite childishly, passive aggressively and melo-dramatically, sending me emails to try and make me cry in work etc. The final straw came when he said on day 3, "I may as well just go and clear my wardrobe". What really bothered me during those 3 short days was that he seemed unconcerned about my feelings and that I was trying to tell him I was at breaking point. It just all seemed to be about him. So instead of feeding into him I let him clear his stuff out.

The long and short of it, and the reason that I decided to repost was that he has been working now for the last month. Through a close mutual friend I've learnt that he is getting on well in his new job and is happy to be back working.

So I can't help but think my worst fears were true, and that he was happy enough to stay off work while someone else was paying bills and rent on his account.
Now that this has been taken away he has to go back to work, and it seems it's been for the best. His parents would be fairly hard up and his Mum used to take on Spanish students in her spare rooms, so I can only assume that he has to pay her a rent to keep the household going hence his return to work.

On my part I have to say that I feel like a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and it's pretty obvious now how one-sided the relationship was. I also think that ultimately I have done the best thing for him, instead of relying on me he is now standing on his own 2 feet and I'm happy for him.

Thanks to everyone for your advice and support, in what was a really difficult time in my life.

Merkin

I'm really glad you got this sorted OP. Probably ultimately the outcome you may not have hoped for but at least you no longer have to shoulder the burden of supporting both of you financially when you suspected it may have been unfounded. Best of luck in the future.

blatantrereg

I'd guess he was in a comfort zone, and breaking up snapped him out of it. I would guess he wasn't consciously exploiting you, though the result is just the same really.

I think you did the best you could to deal with it appropriately, by asking for doctors' opinions on whether he would be best off working. It's hard to know what to do in situations like you were in, so getting advice from those qualified to say is the best you can do.

It's usually best to try to learn from these things; avoid getting into the same patterns again. Drawing boundaries is important. Trying to maintain them and redraw them can be hard, but also important, as they can be blasted away when it comes to mental illness.

Barely There

Sounds like you had a lucky escape from a workshy leech.