Sick Boyfriend

Pinkmoon19

I don't really know where to start with this one. I have been with my partner for over 4 years. We've had great times together, have travelled loads and have been living together for over 2 years.
For the last year or so he has developed tendonosis in his shoulders which is preventing him from working, he finished his job in July. I love him very much and want to support him through this time. He has been getting treatment for his tendonosis for at least 6 months. There has been improvement, but certain activities are still extremely painful. I feel that it's now time to go back to work, even part-time. He says that he is afraid that the pain will worsen if he goes back to work. At what point do you draw the line and say "No you have to go back to work now?". What is also worrying me is that this his 2nd time taking extended leave from work in our relationship. He was made redundant and took 8 months off work to deal with some anxiety/depression issues before. We are at the age where we have discussed marriage and children, and that's what I want. Even though I love him and am really reluctant to take a step back from the relationship I am beginning to question if we will ever be in the position to get married etc if he doesn't go back to work. I understand that he's had some really rough months and that he is in pain and uncomfortable regularly but surely after 6 months, if he was serious about his commitment to me, he would feel the need to go back to work. Just to make it clear I have being paying all the bills and most the rent for 6 months now. My Mum feels that he is taking advantage, I really don't want to think that. Does anyone have any advice?! Am I being unfair expecting him to go back to work?

heretochat

wolfen wrote: »

I don't really know where to start with this one. I have been with my partner for over 4 years. We've had great times together, have travelled loads and have been living together for over 2 years.
For the last year or so he has developed tendonosis in his shoulders which is preventing him from working, he finished his job in July. I love him very much and want to support him through this time. He has been getting treatment for his tendonosis for at least 6 months. There has been improvement, but certain activities are still extremely painful. I feel that it's now time to go back to work, even part-time. He says that he is afraid that the pain will worsen if he goes back to work. At what point do you draw the line and say "No you have to go back to work now?". What is also worrying me is that this his 2nd time taking extended leave from work in our relationship. He was made redundant and took 8 months off work to deal with some anxiety/depression issues before. We are at the age where we have discussed marriage and children, and that's what I want. Even though I love him and am really reluctant to take a step back from the relationship I am beginning to question if we will ever be in the position to get married etc if he doesn't go back to work. I understand that he's had some really rough months and that he is in pain and uncomfortable regularly but surely after 6 months, if he was serious about his commitment to me, he would feel the need to go back to work. Just to make it clear I have being paying all the bills and most the rent for 6 months now. My Mum feels that he is taking advantage, I really don't want to think that. Does anyone have any advice?! Am I being unfair expecting him to go back to work?

I can appreciate your frustration especially if you are having to pay for everything.

But yes I do think you might be being a little unfair. You feel it is time for him to go back to work but yet say you know he is in pain. Has he sought a medical opinion on whether he can return to work? he knows his body better than anyone else and unless he is a scrounger he will know when he is able to get back to work.

I would say trust the medics on this one

strandroad

What's his job? Can he protect his arm while working?

Merkin

wolfen wrote: »

He has been getting treatment for his tendonosis for at least 6 months. There has been improvement, but certain activities are still extremely painful. I feel that it's now time to go back to work, even part-time. He says that he is afraid that the pain will worsen if he goes back to work.

Well he won't actually know until he tries will he? I think he should at least be giving it a good shot and at least if work is deemed impossible at this time he will have put some effort in and done his best to share the financial burden. It's not really acceptable to say he fears it will get worse without actually seeing what happens. Is he in a manual job? Can he apply for something less physically taxing?

Pinkmoon19

Merkin wrote: »

Well he won't actually know until he tries will he? I think he should at least be giving it a good shot and at least if work is deemed impossible at this time he will have put some effort in and done his best to share the financial burden. It's not really acceptable to say he fears it will get worse without actually seeing what happens. Is he in a manual job? Can he apply for something less physically taxing?

That's what I feel, he has worked in science before. We discussed maybe getting a desk job where he could strap up and to be fair I work at a desk and it doesn't involve much movement. @heretochat, thanks for your insight. The problem is that I fear his anxiety could be the real issue here, like that he's almost afraid to go back to work. I also should point out that he is in his 30s and I feel he might be leaving himself at a disadvantage when he begins the job hunt if he leaves it much longer.

heretochat

I don't know anything about him and only you can know what is really behind him not going to work. It could be any of a number of factors:

- he really isn't able to go back due to pain
- he is anxious about going back after being out of work for so long
- he has got used to being a "kept" man and is too lazy to go back.

As I said only you know him..

Merkin

wolfen wrote: »

The problem is that I fear his anxiety could be the real issue here, like that he's almost afraid to go back to work.

I was actually going to ask you that. If he has a history of anxiety (which necessitated time off work) do you think this could be rearing its head again?

Pinkmoon19

@heretochat. He does suffer from pain, but it's not constant. For example if he has a day around the house there is no/very little pain. We went to a children's play centre on saturday and he was in pain after that.
@merkin, yes I do think it could be becoming an anxiety issue almost more than a pain issue.

I think I should also mention at this point that we lived abroad teaching english for a year. We were having the time of our lives but when the pain got really bad we came home so he could receive treatment. I would have happily lived in Asia for a few more years but came home to be with him. I don't regret that decision at all, but knowing what I have already given up for him I do feel he should be coming up with some sort of plan or discussing possible work options with his physio. There is no definite cure for tendonosis and many people suffer from it, surely not everyone who is a sufferer can take so much time off work. I worry that if we did end up having children and say in 5 years time the issue resurfaced would I be left supporting a family on my own? I'm worried for what type of life I will have.

Merkin

wolfen wrote: »

I worry that if we did end up having children and say in 5 years time the issue resurfaced would I be left supporting a family on my own? I'm worried for what type of life I will have.

The chances are that yes, you would.

I think you both need to attend a GP/physio and establish whether he is fit for work or if there is a deeper issue at play, albeit an anxiety based one or the possibility that he may simply be work shy.

Maura74

He should speak to his GP and discuss it with s/he about his returned to work. His GP will advise whether returning to work will be OK for him. Also he should maybe requested a certification with recommendation for him to have a phase back to work and see the works OHA for minor adjustments made for him. Until he is fully recovered.

Pinkmoon19

Maura74 wrote: »

He should speak to his GP and discuss it with s/he about his returned to work. His GP will advise whether returning to work will be OK for him. Also he should maybe requested a certification with recommendation for him to have a phase back to work and see the works OHA for minor adjustments made for him. Until he is fully recovered.

Hi Maura74, someone mentioned this phase back to work scheme recently, do you have any info about that?
Thanks a mil!

ladygirl

I think your boyfriend should at least try to go back to work. The fact that he isn't willing to try tells me that he is getting used to being a kept man.

If he feels he cannot return to physical work then surely try find a desk job.
I say this time and time again but some people are just Lazy and have a different mind-frame to others.

My friend has had shoulder surgery over Christmas and is back to work (granted nothing heavy lifting etc) but he needs to be working to pay bills and support his family. yes there are times where he experiences discomfort during the day but no more or less than he would at home or at physio.

I would suggest you find out from your boyfriend when he plans on going back to work or alternatively as a previous poster said you could be dealing with "keeping" this man for years to come.

Maura74

wolfen wrote: »

Hi Maura74, someone mentioned this phase back to work scheme recently, do you have any info about that?
Thanks a mil!

It will have to be a recommendation by his GP, it could say for a couple of weeks, months or a couple of months. Also he should get mentioned on the certificate to see the company's OHA and s/he will advised minor adjustments should be made for him.

Pinkmoon19

I would suggest you find out from your boyfriend when he plans on going back to work or alternatively as a previous poster said you could be dealing with "keeping" this man for years to come.[/QUOTE]

Thanks ladygirl. I have asked him that exact question and his typical response is he will go back to work as soon as he feels better, but he can't give me a time frame on that. He regularly says that he wishes he could work, and hates seeing me going to work when he can't. But if that is true wouldn't he be attempting to even work part-time?

I do believe that he does have a painful condition, but what if it never goes away, does that mean he will never go back to work?

Maura74

Thanks ladygirl. I have asked him that exact question and his typical response is he will go back to work as soon as he feels better, but he can't give me a time frame on that. He regularly says that he wishes he could work, and hates seeing me going to work when he can't. But if that is true wouldn't he be attempting to even work part-time?

I do believe that he does have a painful condition, but what if it never goes away, does that mean he will never go back to work?

What does his employer say and are they OK with him being off work for such a long time. Some employer will want to speak to the employee that is off for a long time and will request that see their OHA. Also they may suggest making minor adjustments for him a work.

Is he being paid by his employer while off work or is he getting any kind of sickness benefits?

Pinkmoon19

Maura74 wrote: »

What does his employer say and are they OK with him being off work for such a long time. Some employer will want to speak to the employee that is off for a long time and will request that sees their OHA. Also they may suggest making minor adjustments for him.

He doesn't have an employer. We worked in Asia for over an year and since we've been back he hasn't been working. So if he gets a job it will be with a new employer.

Maura74

wolfen wrote: »

He doesn't have an employer. We worked in Asia for over an year and since we've been back he hasn't been working. So if he gets a job it will be with a new employer.

The suggestion I have made will he no good for him. However, he should get it properly diagnosed as shoulder pain not good and its effects are not good for anyone. The first step is to get him diagnosed and then take it from there. If he is in pain then he will not have the energy to get another job.

Merkin

If you were both TOEFL teachers could he set himself up as a freelance teacher to foreign students or else as a teacher in Business English to some multinationals? The work wouldn't be physically taxing and he could set his own hours while at least contributing to the house finances. I appreciate it is unpleasant suffering from pain like this but if he even shows willing it means that he is serious about helping out as opposed to just saying he'd like to.

Gatling

Op I read this thread a while back and never got around to posting ,
At first I felt for your boyfriend / partner regarding the pain issue ,I had to retire from work and be put on disability due to having two forms of arthritis and ankylosing spondylitis, I know all about constant and sever pain Its pretty hard dealing with pain on a daily basis ,
But when I read again I read your partner has an issue with anxiety and depression in the past ,I get the feeling this may be the real issue behind the reluctance to return to work ,been off work long-term can and does effect self esteem and could lead to depression / self confidence issues ,
If he's been cleared medically to return to work , I can't see why he wouldn't want to unless something is holding him back mentally ,
I've my 2 young children young children during while my wife is in college ,when I'm at my worse I've to still pull myself out of bed at 630am and have my partner help me get dressed some days ,but I can't say ohhh not today I'm in pain ,
You might suggest your partner talks to his gp or other medical professional ,in the long term this won't do him or you and good especially your relationship,

Maura74

I have suffered from shoulder pain rotator cuff similar to shoulder pain that your OH has, I can tell you the pain is very depressing indeed also it take a long time for the pain to go away. Continuous pain brings you down in mood. But you know your other OH more than anyone else and can tell if he is genuine in pain.

Pinkmoon19

Thanks for your responses Gatling and Maura 74, it's good to get advice from your perspective. Maura74, my OH definitely has days that are painful, I'm definitely not questioning that. Gatling I couldn't agree more that being off work long term can effect self esteem and can cause depression. It's very admirable that you get up and get on with your day for the sake of your family.
The point of this post wasn't really to question my OH's condition or the severity of it. I'm just finding it really hard to deal with everything. I adore my OH, I really don't want to give up or end the relationship. The thought if him packing up his bags and going back to his Mam's makes me so sad. But I just don't know if he is really going to be able to give me the things in life that I want, and they're not material. I couldn't imagine having kids in this situation. He has an appointment with a specialist in 2 weeks so hopefully that will shed some light on the condition. I'm planning to go with him and ask his opinion on what type of work would be suitable for someone in this condition.

ladygirl

I think that it is very important that you attend this appointment with this specialist and have him confirm - what, if any jobs your partner could be doing.

If he clears him from work and your partner refuses well then you seriously need to consider your future with this man.

Gatling

wolfen wrote: »

The point of this post wasn't really to question my OH's condition or the severity of it. I'm just finding it really hard to deal with everything. I adore my OH, I really don't want to give up or end the relationship. The thought if him packing up his bags and going back to his Mam's makes me so sad. But I just don't know if he is really going to be able to give me the things in life that I want, and they're not material. I couldn't imagine having kids in this situation. He has an appointment with a specialist in 2 weeks so hopefully that will shed some light on the condition. I'm planning to go with him and ask his opinion on what type of work would be suitable for someone in this condition.

Oh no I wasn't questioning the severity of your OH's condition ,at least I didn't mean to if it came across like that ,

I found my depression came about from the daily grinding pain I suffer, even on days where it might not be sever ,I'd be trying my best to avoid going places or doing things because I know once the pain comes on bad I've to stop all activities ,and the confidence goes because you don't want people constantly asking or checking if your alright to do something ,
As you said your OH has suffered from anxiety and depression before this condition flared up,

But as you and another poster said go along to his appointment and ask as many questions as you can and get a understanding of the situation ,I'd still try to speak or get him to speak to his gp if he's down or anxious again ,

But what ever happens good luck ,i know its not easy

blatantrereg

Go to the doctor with him. Ask them whether he would advise staying off work now, if yes then roughly how long til he can work etc.

GreeBo

ladygirl wrote: »

I think your boyfriend should at least try to go back to work. The fact that he isn't willing to try tells me that he is getting used to being a kept man.


I say this time and time again but some people are just Lazy and have a different mind-frame to others.

I would suggest you find out from your boyfriend when he plans on going back to work or alternatively as a previous poster said you could be dealing with "keeping" this man for years to come.

I think this is pretty harsh. The guy could have severe depression etc.
This doesnt make him lazy or enjoy being a kept man.
Having anxiety or depression and then not being able to work is a cycle of negative re-inforcement that he probably needs professional help to overcome.

Labelling him as lazy or kept is a lazy diagnosis I think.

Maura74

wolfen wrote: »

Thanks for your responses Gatling and Maura 74, it's good to get advice from your perspective. Maura74, my OH definitely has days that are painful, I'm definitely not questioning that. Gatling I couldn't agree more that being off work long term can effect self esteem and can cause depression. It's very admirable that you get up and get on with your day for the sake of your family.
The point of this post wasn't really to question my OH's condition or the severity of it. I'm just finding it really hard to deal with everything. I adore my OH, I really don't want to give up or end the relationship. The thought if him packing up his bags and going back to his Mam's makes me so sad. But I just don't know if he is really going to be able to give me the things in life that I want, and they're not material. I couldn't imagine having kids in this situation. He has an appointment with a specialist in 2 weeks so hopefully that will shed some light on the condition. I'm planning to go with him and ask his opinion on what type of work would be suitable for someone in this condition.

OP, Just an option for you to consider, it is not unusual for the woman of a partnership to be the breadwinner of the family and the man be the homemaker. This kind of arrangement is very common nowadays. Also it would not stop you have the family that you want and he would be able to take care of them while you work. Would he be well enough to do that and would you or he be open to this kind of arrangement.

Pinkmoon19

Maura74 wrote: »

OP, Just an option for you to consider, it is not unusual for the woman of a partnership to be the breadwinner of the family and the man be the homemaker. This kind of arrangement is very common nowadays. Also it would not stop you have the family that you want and he would be able to take care of them while you work. Would he be well enough to do that and would you or he be open to this kind of arrangement.

Hi Maura74, thanks for the suggestion but this really wouldn't for me.

Larry Brent

Hi OP, just a few thoughts in relation to pain and work.

Pain and disability - It seems logical to link pain and disability (i.e. the inability to work in this case), that is, the more pain you have, the less able to work you are. However, this is not the case, pain and disability are not correlated, e.g. sometimes people with severe pain can work and other times people with minimal pain do not go to work. If people have to work they will, regardless of pain. Pain and disability being linked is a relatively new thing, and only tends to prevail where disability due to pain is compensable, e.g. where sick pay or disability benefit is available.

Biomedial v Biopsychosocial - The traditional approach to pain was a biomedical one - try to determine what is the cause of pain (e.g. tendonosis) and then try to do something to make it better, so the person can go back to work. However, this has been replaced by a biopsychosocial approach, where all of the potentially related factors (psychological and social issues, which can be influenced by pain and can lead to disability). The biomedical approach if anything encourages the pain-disability link, the biopsychosocial does the opposite. An example to try and illustrate the difference - if you were to injure your back right now and I wanted to predict whether this might be a long term problem in relation to your ability to work, what would I do? Asking you about how bad it is would not tell me anything in relation to its future outcome. Nor would an x-ray or scan, even if it showed serious damage. Believe it or not, the questions to ask you which would give a better indicator of the long term outcome would be ‘do you like your work?’ and ‘do you get on with the people you work with?’ Answer yes to these questions and you have a much better chance of getting back to work sooner rather than later, regardless of the type or extent of injury. In this regard, anxiety and depression are very important factors in how pain impacts a person. In fact it is standard practice in many hospitals/clinics now to issue an anxiety/depression questionnaire to a patient when they first turn up as this will help determine how their condition should be managed.

Return to Work - regardless of injury, getting back to work as quickly as possible is a priority. The longer you are out of work the less likely you are to ever get back. Rest is generally not advised and it is in the guidelines for many conditions to avoid rest (one of the few things there is evidence for is that rest is not an effective treatment for many conditions). In the very acute stage (first few days after an injury) it may be reasonable to rest. But once it’s into the subacute stage, encouraging use of the affected part is important even if specific aggravating activities are avoided. Once approaching the chronic stage (6 weeks to 3 months) it is best to just do everything as normal. At that stage, even if something is painful, it is unlikely to do any damage. A graded exposure to painful activities is encouraged - go back to work and the first day expect things to be a little bit painful, the next day they’ll be a little less so and so on. But it is imperative to get back to normal activities, work included at this stage. I don’t think the physical shoulder problem is stopping him going back to work, it’s more likely fear (shoulder-related), anxiety or depression.

Best of luck with it.

Pinkmoon19

Return to Work - regardless of injury, getting back to work as quickly as possible is a priority. The longer you are out of work the less likely you are to ever get back. Rest is generally not advised and it is in the guidelines for many conditions to avoid rest (one of the few things there is evidence for is that rest is not an effective treatment for many conditions). In the very acute stage (first few days after an injury) it may be reasonable to rest. But once it’s into the subacute stage, encouraging use of the affected part is important even if specific aggravating activities are avoided. Once approaching the chronic stage (6 weeks to 3 months) it is best to just do everything as normal. At that stage, even if something is painful, it is unlikely to do any damage. A graded exposure to painful activities is encouraged - go back to work and the first day expect things to be a little bit painful, the next day they’ll be a little less so and so on. But it is imperative to get back to normal activities, work included at this stage. I don’t think the physical shoulder problem is stopping him going back to work, it’s more likely fear (shoulder-related), anxiety or depression.

Best of luck with it.[/QUOTE]

Thanks a mil for all that info Larry, really appreciate it. Can I ask you do you have a medical backrgound, or have you had an illness or medical condition. You seem to have a lot of knowledge on this subject. Either way your insight is much appreciated.

Calhoun

GreeBo wrote: »

I think this is pretty harsh. The guy could have severe depression etc.
This doesnt make him lazy or enjoy being a kept man.
Having anxiety or depression and then not being able to work is a cycle of negative re-inforcement that he probably needs professional help to overcome.

Labelling him as lazy or kept is a lazy diagnosis I think.

Agree with this but I think there is a slight undertone of sexism mixed with the missdiagnosis .

You have a right to be frustrated that this has stalled and needs to be moved forward but maybe the natural conclusion is not that he goes back to work but on disability or gets retrained in something that he can do.

CathyMoran

My husband has a long term illness that I knew about from the begining but he was and is such a lovely man that just figured that if he needed not to work I would just have to work extra hard for both of us. As it turns out over 7 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer (and we married 2 weeks post chemo) and he supported me (though I am back in work now), he does do more than most in terms of house work and childcare (we have a 2 and 3 year old) as a result of the long term affects of the illness on me.

What I am trying to say is that you do not know the future, if he is a good man, loves you, treats you well and makes you laugh then that is the most important thing.

username123

OP, what do his medical people say? Is his doctor saying it's time he got back to work?

Pinkmoon19

username123 wrote: »

OP, what do his medical people say? Is his doctor saying it's time he got back to work?

His Pyhsio says that he should go back to work when he feels ready, but hasn't said he definitely should or shouldn't.

username123

wolfen wrote: »

His Pyhsio says that he should go back to work when he feels ready, but hasn't said he definitely should or shouldn't.

Right. Perhaps the thing to do would be for him to "practice" being back at work. Could he get up and go off for a day or half day and go to a local library, sit using their computers for a bit, walk to shelves, get a book, read it for a bit, back to computer etc... That way he gets out of the comfort zone of being at home, but he can go home if he has to. If he can do that, he can go back to work.

Also, what does his GP say. To be blunt, a lot of us have to work despite pain (I have had pre and post op knee surgery pain that lasted months, even years, but I had to just put up with it because the mortgage had to be paid).

Could you be making his life too easy for him? Ultimately if one partner feels the other is taking advantage then that is a bad thing. But because of the subjective nature of pain then its a very hard call as to whether or not he "should" be able to work.

Also - he is not getting any help from social welfare?

Semele

The post about the biopsychosocial nature of pain and disability was bang on, OP. It might be an idea to ask for a referral to a therapist, ideally one specialising in health related concerns.

We pick up so many bits and bobs of beliefs/information/misinformation about health and illness in our lives- from throwaway remarks by a doctor that take root, to old wives tales, to "templates" for behaviour that we get through seeing how other people respond to serious illness. All of these mean that when it comes to being ill or in pain ourselves, our brain uses this whole mishmash that we've picked up to make sense of the situation, and a lot of the time we are not aware of these underlying thoughts. A therapist who is experienced in health related conditions could help your partner to identify the blocks to going back to work etc and to evaluate how true these are.

An example of a block might be the common (often wrong) belief that rest is the best means of recovery. So you rest, and you wait for things to get better, thinking that you will eventually get back to normal. But in excessively resting over a long period of time you might become very unfit. The next time you have to exert yourself for something it feels unusually hard and you feel weak/tired/breathless etc because of how out of condition you are. You then mistakenly attribute this feeling of weakness/tiredness to the illness, rather than seeing it as an unrelated consequence of your behaviour. This in turn feeds back in to the belief that you are ill and can't exert yourself, so you rest even more. The second consequence of this is that you never give yourself a chance to test your belief.

I hope that makes sense! A good therapist would help your partner identify what is driving his belief that pain=not being able to do much. A usual practice is to start testing these beliefs by activity-scheduling, which is agreeing activities to try over a period of time in order to test out how much you are capable of and how they make you feel. People often find that, contrary to their belief, they actually feel better if they rest less and become fitter again, in addition to the fact that mood often perks up once there's more going on in your life again. In doing this they gain a more accurate understanding of what their own limits really are and are able to make realistic goals that won't either push them too much or inadvertently increase the perceived level of disability.

Maura74

wolfen wrote: »

He doesn't have an employer. We worked in Asia for over an year and since we've been back he hasn't been working. So if he gets a job it will be with a new employer.

OP partner has the added anxiety/stress of finding suitable employment, this will very difficult if he is experiencing pain/anxiety.

OP what I have found swimming is the best exercise of all as it will not damage his existing condition and it will certainly make him feel good after it.

sligoface

I think it sounds like you are more concerned about having your life go according to the plan you've made in your head than you are about your boyfriend's mental and physical health. There's a reason the marriage vows have that whole 'in sickness and in health' bit. His chronic pain is likely affecting his confidence to go back to work because he thonks that his limited movement could create problems with keeping up with his duties and make him a target for criticism. He's probably worried that if he starts working again he will be less productive than he would be without the pain and look bad, get criticized, have to explain the problem to his boss, maybe lose the job. And that is probably what will happen if he is pushed to go back before he is physically ready. When he feels well enough to work hard and impress a new employer, he won't have as much anxiety about returning to work, and is more likely to be successful in his new position. Chronic pain often leads to anxiety/depression issues and these get exacerbated in a lot of workplace environments where your performance is being monitored all the time.

What if your bf got better and was working, but then you had an injury or illness that forced you out of work, wouldn't you expect him to support you? And God forbid, what if something like that happened to you now while he was still in bad health - you would both need each other very much, to be sure. It might feel one sided now, but that doesn't mean it will be that way forever. The shoe could be on the other foot some day.

Two years ago, I was out of work for a time and my gf was working. We still split rent/bills but she often had to feed us or pay for things like the cinema or whatever. I know it annoyed her sometimes and I wasn't happy bout it either. Then she lost her job, and I managed to get one. So then I was the one feeding us and paying for the extras. And yes it annoyed me sometimes tbh, even though I hadn't forgotten how she supported us before. Now, both of us are out of work, are barely able to pay for the most basic necessities, and rarely able to afford anything extra. Having experienced those three situations I can say with certainty that either of us would jump at the chance to be in full time work and be happy to support the other person who is still stuck without work, no matter if it is due to ill health or just a lack of employment opportunities. That's what a partnership is about.

If your bf is a kind and loving person who you believe in your heart would support you if you were the one in ill health, then the way I see it is: you have a job, you have your health, and you have love. That's a lot to be thankful for. By all means help him and encourage him to attain his own health and his own job, but to consider sending him packing to his mother as you said makes me think your love is becoming quite conditional and is largely based on him being a conduit to your plans for marriage and children. It's either that, or you genuinely have good reason to think he is taking the pss, faking the injury and is happy to have you pay for everything. Which most men are not, because both sexes are conditioned to expect the man to be the breadwinner. But sometimes life forces you to take on a role you did not expect or plan for, it's not usually permanent though and you often learn a lot from these situations.

Overheal

Depression is a real thing. Anxiety is a real thing.

Tendinitis is definitely a real thing.

I had my workers comp injury in October of 2012? I still have noticeable back issues. It starts with a lumbar strain and while you continue to try and work on it, the rest of your back tries to overcompensate and suddenly you have middle back problems, upper back problems, spine and neck misalignment, and yes I am not sure how but somehow the tendons in my shoulder blade are pretty messed up and I have no feeling around one of the knots, you can poke it and prod it, nada.

I chose to continue working when frankly, I shouldn't have. Especially for the entire piss of money retail will get you.

Friend at work, loves to surf, but has the bone structure of a beanstalk. She's had 4 different surgeries on knees and wrists. The wrists most recently because she tried to be too independent at work, a 120lb girl trying to get a 55" TV for a customer. The first surgery on her knee had something to do with surfing, and the 2nd happened purely for the fact that she skirted doctor advice and went out surfing again the moment a doctor said it would be OK soon if she took it cautiously, and she went all in.

Sorry, I rant a lot. Clearly. The point is, body injuries can take a lot of time to recover, and don't always recover 100%. I'm still dealing with mine 15+ months later. That girl has been in and out of medical leave for almost 3 years. If a doctor says to take it easy TAKE IT EASY Injuries are NOT forever but FFS they do take a long time to recover properly. Give it its due caution.

Pinkmoon19

Hi Everyone,

First off thanks for all your advice in this thread, I really appreciate it. I went to the specialist yesterday with my OH. This was the 2nd appointment, he had an examination and an MRI previous to this. Now I am not medically minded so this might not be exact, but basically: The specialist can see no abnormality in the shoulder joint, the hyper-trophism detected is at a normal level. He is suggesting that the best route to go is the Chronic pain route, which would include Psychology, Psychiatry and pain management.
In fairness the specialist was great and spent over 40 minutes with us, but what he ultimately feels is that anxiety is a bigger problem here. He thinks that my OH needs to DE-emphasize the pain and stop letting it be the biggest thing in his life. I asked Doc does he feel that work would dis-improve the condition and his response was along the lines of work will help mentally, and to have a new focus would be extremely beneficial.
This is what I have felt for a while, like for example if we are spending the day out or have some function or something to attend OH gets so worked up that he is going to be in pain that he ends up in pain, so I guess the Psychology etc will help him correct that behavior.
Based on all this I think that he does need to go back to work, now that I know his depression is so acute I think it will be extremely challenging for him and that I will need to be behind him and push him to see that it's the right choice. Thoughts anyone?

Penny Tration

If you accept that his depression and anxiety is bad enough tthat it exacerbates the physical pain he is feeling (something the specialist seems to agree with, since they're recommending psychological treatment), why would you push him to go to work.

Honestly, I felt a lot of sympathy for you when following your thread, but your last post has shocked me.

If he's mentally ill (something both you and the doctor seem to agree he is), you cannot force him to work.

Let him get some treatment for it. Going to work isn't going to fix mental illness. Treatment will.

It sounds like you're pushing and pushing because YOU want him to have a job. That's fair enough but you need to take a step back and realise that if he's mentally ill, you putting so much pressure on him is not going to help. Give him a chance to see a psychologist and pspsychiatrist and get his mental health under control.

He may be physically able to work, that does not mean mentally he is up to it.

I really think you need to step back and let him get help instead of forcing this issue.

Pinkmoon19

Let him get some treatment for it. Going to work isn't going to fix mental illness. Treatment will.

So would you feel that sitting at home alone all day would be more beneficial? I am not saying I don't want him to get treatment, I absolutely do and I think a Psychologist would be of great benefit. But I think that getting back to work is part of the recovery.

I'm not pushing him back to work for money or for material gains, I'm pushing him back to work because I feel that it would be really good for him mentally. The Specialist said yesterday that in his opinion having goals and achieving them in a working capacity is the best way through this.

Don't forget that the original reason that my OH quit work was because he was worried it would dis-improve his condition, we've now been told that this in not the case. So it is irrational for him to fear going back to work, nothing bad is going to happen, physically, by going back to work.

Mentally how else would you overcome a fear of doing something, without doing it, and seeing for yourself that nothing bad will happen to you. Fearing work and Fearing activities is not the way forward. The longer he is in fear of going back to work, the more fear he will have.

I actually feel in way it might be a relief for him to get through a day of work, and say at the end of it that he has done it. Wouldn't that be the best for his self-esteem, instead of staying at home and beating himself up for it?

Penny Tration

wolfen wrote: »

Let him get some treatment for it. Going to work isn't going to fix mental illness. Treatment will.



So would you feel that sitting at home alone all day would be more beneficial? I am not saying I don't want him to get treatment, I absolutely do and I think a Psychologist would be of great benefit. But I think that getting back to work is part of the recovery.

I'm not pushing him back to work for money or for material gains, I'm pushing him back to work because I feel that it would be really good for him mentally. The Specialist said yesterday that in his opinion having goals and achieving them in a working capacity is the best way through this.

Don't forget that the original reason that my OH quit work was because he was worried it would dis-improve his condition, we've now been told that this in not the case. So it is irrational for him to fear going back to work, nothing bad is going to happen, physically, by going back to work.

Mentally how else would you overcome a fear of doing something, without doing it, and seeing for yourself that nothing bad will happen to you. Fearing work and Fearing activities is not the way forward. The longer he is in fear of going back to work, the more fear he will have.

I actually feel in way it might be a relief for him to get through a day of work, and say at the end of it that he has done it. Wouldn't that be the best for his self-esteem, instead of staying at home and beating himself up for it?

I never said he should sit on his backside all day.

Ultimately I think you need to educate yourself about mental illness. You say his fear is irrational - of course it is. Anxiety and depression make you have irrational fears and believe me, being forced to do something that you're anxious and depressed about doesn't help.

The specialist thinks it could help him to go back to work, which is great. The specialist, however, isn't a mental health specialist.

I'm not suggesting you accept him sitting back and doing nothing.

I suggesting you stop pressuring him for a few weeks, until he gets some treatment and speaks to a mental health professional. Then HE can discuss his concerns around work with them and they can help him to rationalise his fears.

As I said above, I think you need to learn more about just how debilitating mental illness can be.

Merkin

I'm glad that you were able to go and see the consultant with him Wolfen. It seems that one condition exacerbates the other - his anxiety makes his pain appear worse and any pain causes him anxiety, a vicious cycle to be in.

I think you should sit down with your partner and set some realistic goals that you are both happy with, it will require baby steps and gentle encouragement from you. Start small and work up from that.

Maybe start with a day a week and definitely encourage him to get the help of the psychologist as recommended as soon as possible. His anxiety seems to be a big stumbling block so if this can be addressed and he can be helped in that regard, hopefully he can begin to get his life back.

Semele

I agree with Merkin- get the referral to psychology and pain management in and they will help him plan a phased return at an appropriate pace so that he pushes himself just enough to challenge his entrenched fears but not enough to feel he isn't capable. I wouldn't push him to go back until he starts having some help from them and starts to feel a bit more on top of things. It's all about building up his sense of competence and mastery again, which is probably at rock bottom between the pain and anxiety.

retro:electro

OP I am going to be blunt and say that I think you are being very unfair on your boyfriend. In one of your first posts you say how you fear for the life you have and then subsequently contradict that and you say you're doing this all for him. I'm afraid I don't believe you and I think you're being pretty selfish about the whole thing. He is in a difficult situation where neither of his ailments are visible to you. It's not like he has a broken arm or leg where you can say alright you're all better now off to work you go. How about you let him decide when he feels ready to go back up work instead of worrying about the life you may have now that he has taken ill. I felt for you in your initial post but after reading your subsequent posts I no longer do.

You going along to the doctors visit with him was probably an attempt on your behalf to quiz the doctor about when he can go back to work, and use that against your boyfriend like "well the doctor said you can so you must be ok".
You say you fear for the life you may have if it continues, well perhaps it's your boyfriend who needs to fear as he seemingly has a very unsupportive, pushy girlfriend.

Tramps Like Us

OP you are very selfish and borderline uncaring.

I cant imagine what its like for your bf with the constant pushing him to go back to work including banging that drum at the docs - all the while your bf knows he cant do it and isnt ready. Your behavior and the pressure you are putting on him must be making him miserable and certainly wont be helping him with his problems.

Him working should be the last thing that matters here, the problem is that he is suffering chronic pain and anxiety - your priorities are warped

retro:electro

Totally agree with the above post. The post about visiting the specialist said it all really, she was more concerned about asking the doctor when he can work again then getting helpful info on the nature of his ailments. Her primary concern seems to be him getting back to work, regardless of him wanting to or feeling he needs to. "I worry he can't give me what I need in life", I mean really?!? Are you for real? Ya because you are really giving him everything he needs right now aren't you.

Chara1001

To be honest, I think the OP is doing her best.
She's not questioning that his illness- whether physical/ mental/ combination of the two is real, but she's entitled to have questions about the future, to voice her side, and to give her opinion on what she thinks would be the best thing for her boyfriend to do.

It's very tough looking after someone who is ill, it has happened in my own family and especially when there is no improvement to that person- and no improvement forthcoming.
The reality is that the person who is doing the caring, or the partner who has to be strong enough for both has a very difficult position. My aunt has just died of cancer, and her husband had been looking after her for two years. I know it's a different scenario, but he needed support also during this time, and trying to be upbeat, positive, supportive and sympathetic to make someone's life a little happier isn't always easy.

The op says this started about a year ago, her boyfriend has been through a lot- but she has been there to help him through it.
We don't know if him going back to work is a good idea or not, it might be a terrible one! But I think some of the responses here are a bit unfair to her.

mlumley

wolfen wrote: »

Hi Everyone,

First off thanks for all your advice in this thread, I really appreciate it. I went to the specialist yesterday with my OH. This was the 2nd appointment, he had an examination and an MRI previous to this. Now I am not medically minded so this might not be exact, but basically: The specialist can see no abnormality in the shoulder joint, the hyper-trophism detected is at a normal level. He is suggesting that the best route to go is the Chronic pain route, which would include Psychology, Psychiatry and pain management.
In fairness the specialist was great and spent over 40 minutes with us, but what he ultimately feels is that anxiety is a bigger problem here. He thinks that my OH needs to DE-emphasize the pain and stop letting it be the biggest thing in his life. I asked Doc does he feel that work would dis-improve the condition and his response was along the lines of work will help mentally, and to have a new focus would be extremely beneficial.
This is what I have felt for a while, like for example if we are spending the day out or have some function or something to attend OH gets so worked up that he is going to be in pain that he ends up in pain, so I guess the Psychology etc will help him correct that behavior.
Based on all this I think that he does need to go back to work, now that I know his depression is so acute I think it will be extremely challenging for him and that I will need to be behind him and push him to see that it's the right choice. Thoughts anyone?

yes. You may be right. Talk to him about about finding work part time. But, don't nag him keep it nice and in small doses. Try getting him to go swimming with you. Even go out walking and things like that If he is too comfortable at home, he will stay comfortable. Don't let him Talk to him about his anxiety and reassure him that you will stay by him, if he tries hard to get back to work

sligoface

Sounds like you went with him to the doctor simply to get an answer as to when he can work again with the intent of using that info to push him into working whether he is ready or not.

Doctors can suggest treatment for symptoms but in many cases it's impossible for them to know how much pain you are in. It's true that physical pain can be psychosomatic, unfortunately, this can lead to a diagnosis of 'it's all in your head' when they can't explain or treat the pain effectively. It can be a way of shifting the blame to the patient. You should be going to the doctor to find out how to help him get better because you want him to be happy, not to acquire an ally in your agenda to get him bringing in a paycheck again. If a man was doing this to his female partner he'd be considered heartless and mean.

rcarroll

I have to say OP I feel for you after the attacks you've gotten here....lets face it, if the doctors cleared him to work then he should go back and stop overhyping his injury...I had tendonitis in my shoulder this year and I continued to work and do all my normal activities as per the physio suggested. If you have to work you find a way...the physio also insisted I dont over support and mind the arm, you have to use it and ok be careful not to do activities that exacerbate it...heck Im back rock climbing 10mths later. ..Supporting your partner is good but I think here can be too much