Sick Boyfriend

Pinkmoon19

I don't really know where to start with this one. I have been with my partner for over 4 years. We've had great times together, have travelled loads and have been living together for over 2 years.
For the last year or so he has developed tendonosis in his shoulders which is preventing him from working, he finished his job in July. I love him very much and want to support him through this time. He has been getting treatment for his tendonosis for at least 6 months. There has been improvement, but certain activities are still extremely painful. I feel that it's now time to go back to work, even part-time. He says that he is afraid that the pain will worsen if he goes back to work. At what point do you draw the line and say "No you have to go back to work now?". What is also worrying me is that this his 2nd time taking extended leave from work in our relationship. He was made redundant and took 8 months off work to deal with some anxiety/depression issues before. We are at the age where we have discussed marriage and children, and that's what I want. Even though I love him and am really reluctant to take a step back from the relationship I am beginning to question if we will ever be in the position to get married etc if he doesn't go back to work. I understand that he's had some really rough months and that he is in pain and uncomfortable regularly but surely after 6 months, if he was serious about his commitment to me, he would feel the need to go back to work. Just to make it clear I have being paying all the bills and most the rent for 6 months now. My Mum feels that he is taking advantage, I really don't want to think that. Does anyone have any advice?! Am I being unfair expecting him to go back to work?

heretochat

wolfen wrote: »

I don't really know where to start with this one. I have been with my partner for over 4 years. We've had great times together, have travelled loads and have been living together for over 2 years.
For the last year or so he has developed tendonosis in his shoulders which is preventing him from working, he finished his job in July. I love him very much and want to support him through this time. He has been getting treatment for his tendonosis for at least 6 months. There has been improvement, but certain activities are still extremely painful. I feel that it's now time to go back to work, even part-time. He says that he is afraid that the pain will worsen if he goes back to work. At what point do you draw the line and say "No you have to go back to work now?". What is also worrying me is that this his 2nd time taking extended leave from work in our relationship. He was made redundant and took 8 months off work to deal with some anxiety/depression issues before. We are at the age where we have discussed marriage and children, and that's what I want. Even though I love him and am really reluctant to take a step back from the relationship I am beginning to question if we will ever be in the position to get married etc if he doesn't go back to work. I understand that he's had some really rough months and that he is in pain and uncomfortable regularly but surely after 6 months, if he was serious about his commitment to me, he would feel the need to go back to work. Just to make it clear I have being paying all the bills and most the rent for 6 months now. My Mum feels that he is taking advantage, I really don't want to think that. Does anyone have any advice?! Am I being unfair expecting him to go back to work?

I can appreciate your frustration especially if you are having to pay for everything.

But yes I do think you might be being a little unfair. You feel it is time for him to go back to work but yet say you know he is in pain. Has he sought a medical opinion on whether he can return to work? he knows his body better than anyone else and unless he is a scrounger he will know when he is able to get back to work.

I would say trust the medics on this one

strandroad

What's his job? Can he protect his arm while working?

Merkin

wolfen wrote: »

He has been getting treatment for his tendonosis for at least 6 months. There has been improvement, but certain activities are still extremely painful. I feel that it's now time to go back to work, even part-time. He says that he is afraid that the pain will worsen if he goes back to work.

Well he won't actually know until he tries will he? I think he should at least be giving it a good shot and at least if work is deemed impossible at this time he will have put some effort in and done his best to share the financial burden. It's not really acceptable to say he fears it will get worse without actually seeing what happens. Is he in a manual job? Can he apply for something less physically taxing?

Pinkmoon19

Merkin wrote: »

Well he won't actually know until he tries will he? I think he should at least be giving it a good shot and at least if work is deemed impossible at this time he will have put some effort in and done his best to share the financial burden. It's not really acceptable to say he fears it will get worse without actually seeing what happens. Is he in a manual job? Can he apply for something less physically taxing?

That's what I feel, he has worked in science before. We discussed maybe getting a desk job where he could strap up and to be fair I work at a desk and it doesn't involve much movement. @heretochat, thanks for your insight. The problem is that I fear his anxiety could be the real issue here, like that he's almost afraid to go back to work. I also should point out that he is in his 30s and I feel he might be leaving himself at a disadvantage when he begins the job hunt if he leaves it much longer.

heretochat

I don't know anything about him and only you can know what is really behind him not going to work. It could be any of a number of factors:

- he really isn't able to go back due to pain
- he is anxious about going back after being out of work for so long
- he has got used to being a "kept" man and is too lazy to go back.

As I said only you know him..

Merkin

wolfen wrote: »

The problem is that I fear his anxiety could be the real issue here, like that he's almost afraid to go back to work.

I was actually going to ask you that. If he has a history of anxiety (which necessitated time off work) do you think this could be rearing its head again?

Pinkmoon19

@heretochat. He does suffer from pain, but it's not constant. For example if he has a day around the house there is no/very little pain. We went to a children's play centre on saturday and he was in pain after that.
@merkin, yes I do think it could be becoming an anxiety issue almost more than a pain issue.

I think I should also mention at this point that we lived abroad teaching english for a year. We were having the time of our lives but when the pain got really bad we came home so he could receive treatment. I would have happily lived in Asia for a few more years but came home to be with him. I don't regret that decision at all, but knowing what I have already given up for him I do feel he should be coming up with some sort of plan or discussing possible work options with his physio. There is no definite cure for tendonosis and many people suffer from it, surely not everyone who is a sufferer can take so much time off work. I worry that if we did end up having children and say in 5 years time the issue resurfaced would I be left supporting a family on my own? I'm worried for what type of life I will have.

Merkin

wolfen wrote: »

I worry that if we did end up having children and say in 5 years time the issue resurfaced would I be left supporting a family on my own? I'm worried for what type of life I will have.

The chances are that yes, you would.

I think you both need to attend a GP/physio and establish whether he is fit for work or if there is a deeper issue at play, albeit an anxiety based one or the possibility that he may simply be work shy.

Maura74

He should speak to his GP and discuss it with s/he about his returned to work. His GP will advise whether returning to work will be OK for him. Also he should maybe requested a certification with recommendation for him to have a phase back to work and see the works OHA for minor adjustments made for him. Until he is fully recovered.

Pinkmoon19

Maura74 wrote: »

He should speak to his GP and discuss it with s/he about his returned to work. His GP will advise whether returning to work will be OK for him. Also he should maybe requested a certification with recommendation for him to have a phase back to work and see the works OHA for minor adjustments made for him. Until he is fully recovered.

Hi Maura74, someone mentioned this phase back to work scheme recently, do you have any info about that?
Thanks a mil!

ladygirl

I think your boyfriend should at least try to go back to work. The fact that he isn't willing to try tells me that he is getting used to being a kept man.

If he feels he cannot return to physical work then surely try find a desk job.
I say this time and time again but some people are just Lazy and have a different mind-frame to others.

My friend has had shoulder surgery over Christmas and is back to work (granted nothing heavy lifting etc) but he needs to be working to pay bills and support his family. yes there are times where he experiences discomfort during the day but no more or less than he would at home or at physio.

I would suggest you find out from your boyfriend when he plans on going back to work or alternatively as a previous poster said you could be dealing with "keeping" this man for years to come.

Maura74

wolfen wrote: »

Hi Maura74, someone mentioned this phase back to work scheme recently, do you have any info about that?
Thanks a mil!

It will have to be a recommendation by his GP, it could say for a couple of weeks, months or a couple of months. Also he should get mentioned on the certificate to see the company's OHA and s/he will advised minor adjustments should be made for him.

Pinkmoon19

I would suggest you find out from your boyfriend when he plans on going back to work or alternatively as a previous poster said you could be dealing with "keeping" this man for years to come.[/QUOTE]

Thanks ladygirl. I have asked him that exact question and his typical response is he will go back to work as soon as he feels better, but he can't give me a time frame on that. He regularly says that he wishes he could work, and hates seeing me going to work when he can't. But if that is true wouldn't he be attempting to even work part-time?

I do believe that he does have a painful condition, but what if it never goes away, does that mean he will never go back to work?

Maura74

Thanks ladygirl. I have asked him that exact question and his typical response is he will go back to work as soon as he feels better, but he can't give me a time frame on that. He regularly says that he wishes he could work, and hates seeing me going to work when he can't. But if that is true wouldn't he be attempting to even work part-time?

I do believe that he does have a painful condition, but what if it never goes away, does that mean he will never go back to work?

What does his employer say and are they OK with him being off work for such a long time. Some employer will want to speak to the employee that is off for a long time and will request that see their OHA. Also they may suggest making minor adjustments for him a work.

Is he being paid by his employer while off work or is he getting any kind of sickness benefits?

Pinkmoon19

Maura74 wrote: »

What does his employer say and are they OK with him being off work for such a long time. Some employer will want to speak to the employee that is off for a long time and will request that sees their OHA. Also they may suggest making minor adjustments for him.

He doesn't have an employer. We worked in Asia for over an year and since we've been back he hasn't been working. So if he gets a job it will be with a new employer.

Maura74

wolfen wrote: »

He doesn't have an employer. We worked in Asia for over an year and since we've been back he hasn't been working. So if he gets a job it will be with a new employer.

The suggestion I have made will he no good for him. However, he should get it properly diagnosed as shoulder pain not good and its effects are not good for anyone. The first step is to get him diagnosed and then take it from there. If he is in pain then he will not have the energy to get another job.

Merkin

If you were both TOEFL teachers could he set himself up as a freelance teacher to foreign students or else as a teacher in Business English to some multinationals? The work wouldn't be physically taxing and he could set his own hours while at least contributing to the house finances. I appreciate it is unpleasant suffering from pain like this but if he even shows willing it means that he is serious about helping out as opposed to just saying he'd like to.

Gatling

Op I read this thread a while back and never got around to posting ,
At first I felt for your boyfriend / partner regarding the pain issue ,I had to retire from work and be put on disability due to having two forms of arthritis and ankylosing spondylitis, I know all about constant and sever pain Its pretty hard dealing with pain on a daily basis ,
But when I read again I read your partner has an issue with anxiety and depression in the past ,I get the feeling this may be the real issue behind the reluctance to return to work ,been off work long-term can and does effect self esteem and could lead to depression / self confidence issues ,
If he's been cleared medically to return to work , I can't see why he wouldn't want to unless something is holding him back mentally ,
I've my 2 young children young children during while my wife is in college ,when I'm at my worse I've to still pull myself out of bed at 630am and have my partner help me get dressed some days ,but I can't say ohhh not today I'm in pain ,
You might suggest your partner talks to his gp or other medical professional ,in the long term this won't do him or you and good especially your relationship,

Maura74

I have suffered from shoulder pain rotator cuff similar to shoulder pain that your OH has, I can tell you the pain is very depressing indeed also it take a long time for the pain to go away. Continuous pain brings you down in mood. But you know your other OH more than anyone else and can tell if he is genuine in pain.

Pinkmoon19

Thanks for your responses Gatling and Maura 74, it's good to get advice from your perspective. Maura74, my OH definitely has days that are painful, I'm definitely not questioning that. Gatling I couldn't agree more that being off work long term can effect self esteem and can cause depression. It's very admirable that you get up and get on with your day for the sake of your family.
The point of this post wasn't really to question my OH's condition or the severity of it. I'm just finding it really hard to deal with everything. I adore my OH, I really don't want to give up or end the relationship. The thought if him packing up his bags and going back to his Mam's makes me so sad. But I just don't know if he is really going to be able to give me the things in life that I want, and they're not material. I couldn't imagine having kids in this situation. He has an appointment with a specialist in 2 weeks so hopefully that will shed some light on the condition. I'm planning to go with him and ask his opinion on what type of work would be suitable for someone in this condition.

ladygirl

I think that it is very important that you attend this appointment with this specialist and have him confirm - what, if any jobs your partner could be doing.

If he clears him from work and your partner refuses well then you seriously need to consider your future with this man.

Gatling

wolfen wrote: »

The point of this post wasn't really to question my OH's condition or the severity of it. I'm just finding it really hard to deal with everything. I adore my OH, I really don't want to give up or end the relationship. The thought if him packing up his bags and going back to his Mam's makes me so sad. But I just don't know if he is really going to be able to give me the things in life that I want, and they're not material. I couldn't imagine having kids in this situation. He has an appointment with a specialist in 2 weeks so hopefully that will shed some light on the condition. I'm planning to go with him and ask his opinion on what type of work would be suitable for someone in this condition.

Oh no I wasn't questioning the severity of your OH's condition ,at least I didn't mean to if it came across like that ,

I found my depression came about from the daily grinding pain I suffer, even on days where it might not be sever ,I'd be trying my best to avoid going places or doing things because I know once the pain comes on bad I've to stop all activities ,and the confidence goes because you don't want people constantly asking or checking if your alright to do something ,
As you said your OH has suffered from anxiety and depression before this condition flared up,

But as you and another poster said go along to his appointment and ask as many questions as you can and get a understanding of the situation ,I'd still try to speak or get him to speak to his gp if he's down or anxious again ,

But what ever happens good luck ,i know its not easy

blatantrereg

Go to the doctor with him. Ask them whether he would advise staying off work now, if yes then roughly how long til he can work etc.

GreeBo

ladygirl wrote: »

I think your boyfriend should at least try to go back to work. The fact that he isn't willing to try tells me that he is getting used to being a kept man.


I say this time and time again but some people are just Lazy and have a different mind-frame to others.

I would suggest you find out from your boyfriend when he plans on going back to work or alternatively as a previous poster said you could be dealing with "keeping" this man for years to come.

I think this is pretty harsh. The guy could have severe depression etc.
This doesnt make him lazy or enjoy being a kept man.
Having anxiety or depression and then not being able to work is a cycle of negative re-inforcement that he probably needs professional help to overcome.

Labelling him as lazy or kept is a lazy diagnosis I think.

Maura74

wolfen wrote: »

Thanks for your responses Gatling and Maura 74, it's good to get advice from your perspective. Maura74, my OH definitely has days that are painful, I'm definitely not questioning that. Gatling I couldn't agree more that being off work long term can effect self esteem and can cause depression. It's very admirable that you get up and get on with your day for the sake of your family.
The point of this post wasn't really to question my OH's condition or the severity of it. I'm just finding it really hard to deal with everything. I adore my OH, I really don't want to give up or end the relationship. The thought if him packing up his bags and going back to his Mam's makes me so sad. But I just don't know if he is really going to be able to give me the things in life that I want, and they're not material. I couldn't imagine having kids in this situation. He has an appointment with a specialist in 2 weeks so hopefully that will shed some light on the condition. I'm planning to go with him and ask his opinion on what type of work would be suitable for someone in this condition.

OP, Just an option for you to consider, it is not unusual for the woman of a partnership to be the breadwinner of the family and the man be the homemaker. This kind of arrangement is very common nowadays. Also it would not stop you have the family that you want and he would be able to take care of them while you work. Would he be well enough to do that and would you or he be open to this kind of arrangement.

Pinkmoon19

Maura74 wrote: »

OP, Just an option for you to consider, it is not unusual for the woman of a partnership to be the breadwinner of the family and the man be the homemaker. This kind of arrangement is very common nowadays. Also it would not stop you have the family that you want and he would be able to take care of them while you work. Would he be well enough to do that and would you or he be open to this kind of arrangement.

Hi Maura74, thanks for the suggestion but this really wouldn't for me.

Larry Brent

Hi OP, just a few thoughts in relation to pain and work.

Pain and disability - It seems logical to link pain and disability (i.e. the inability to work in this case), that is, the more pain you have, the less able to work you are. However, this is not the case, pain and disability are not correlated, e.g. sometimes people with severe pain can work and other times people with minimal pain do not go to work. If people have to work they will, regardless of pain. Pain and disability being linked is a relatively new thing, and only tends to prevail where disability due to pain is compensable, e.g. where sick pay or disability benefit is available.

Biomedial v Biopsychosocial - The traditional approach to pain was a biomedical one - try to determine what is the cause of pain (e.g. tendonosis) and then try to do something to make it better, so the person can go back to work. However, this has been replaced by a biopsychosocial approach, where all of the potentially related factors (psychological and social issues, which can be influenced by pain and can lead to disability). The biomedical approach if anything encourages the pain-disability link, the biopsychosocial does the opposite. An example to try and illustrate the difference - if you were to injure your back right now and I wanted to predict whether this might be a long term problem in relation to your ability to work, what would I do? Asking you about how bad it is would not tell me anything in relation to its future outcome. Nor would an x-ray or scan, even if it showed serious damage. Believe it or not, the questions to ask you which would give a better indicator of the long term outcome would be ‘do you like your work?’ and ‘do you get on with the people you work with?’ Answer yes to these questions and you have a much better chance of getting back to work sooner rather than later, regardless of the type or extent of injury. In this regard, anxiety and depression are very important factors in how pain impacts a person. In fact it is standard practice in many hospitals/clinics now to issue an anxiety/depression questionnaire to a patient when they first turn up as this will help determine how their condition should be managed.

Return to Work - regardless of injury, getting back to work as quickly as possible is a priority. The longer you are out of work the less likely you are to ever get back. Rest is generally not advised and it is in the guidelines for many conditions to avoid rest (one of the few things there is evidence for is that rest is not an effective treatment for many conditions). In the very acute stage (first few days after an injury) it may be reasonable to rest. But once it’s into the subacute stage, encouraging use of the affected part is important even if specific aggravating activities are avoided. Once approaching the chronic stage (6 weeks to 3 months) it is best to just do everything as normal. At that stage, even if something is painful, it is unlikely to do any damage. A graded exposure to painful activities is encouraged - go back to work and the first day expect things to be a little bit painful, the next day they’ll be a little less so and so on. But it is imperative to get back to normal activities, work included at this stage. I don’t think the physical shoulder problem is stopping him going back to work, it’s more likely fear (shoulder-related), anxiety or depression.

Best of luck with it.

Pinkmoon19

Return to Work - regardless of injury, getting back to work as quickly as possible is a priority. The longer you are out of work the less likely you are to ever get back. Rest is generally not advised and it is in the guidelines for many conditions to avoid rest (one of the few things there is evidence for is that rest is not an effective treatment for many conditions). In the very acute stage (first few days after an injury) it may be reasonable to rest. But once it’s into the subacute stage, encouraging use of the affected part is important even if specific aggravating activities are avoided. Once approaching the chronic stage (6 weeks to 3 months) it is best to just do everything as normal. At that stage, even if something is painful, it is unlikely to do any damage. A graded exposure to painful activities is encouraged - go back to work and the first day expect things to be a little bit painful, the next day they’ll be a little less so and so on. But it is imperative to get back to normal activities, work included at this stage. I don’t think the physical shoulder problem is stopping him going back to work, it’s more likely fear (shoulder-related), anxiety or depression.

Best of luck with it.[/QUOTE]

Thanks a mil for all that info Larry, really appreciate it. Can I ask you do you have a medical backrgound, or have you had an illness or medical condition. You seem to have a lot of knowledge on this subject. Either way your insight is much appreciated.

Calhoun

GreeBo wrote: »

I think this is pretty harsh. The guy could have severe depression etc.
This doesnt make him lazy or enjoy being a kept man.
Having anxiety or depression and then not being able to work is a cycle of negative re-inforcement that he probably needs professional help to overcome.

Labelling him as lazy or kept is a lazy diagnosis I think.

Agree with this but I think there is a slight undertone of sexism mixed with the missdiagnosis .

You have a right to be frustrated that this has stalled and needs to be moved forward but maybe the natural conclusion is not that he goes back to work but on disability or gets retrained in something that he can do.

CathyMoran

My husband has a long term illness that I knew about from the begining but he was and is such a lovely man that just figured that if he needed not to work I would just have to work extra hard for both of us. As it turns out over 7 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer (and we married 2 weeks post chemo) and he supported me (though I am back in work now), he does do more than most in terms of house work and childcare (we have a 2 and 3 year old) as a result of the long term affects of the illness on me.

What I am trying to say is that you do not know the future, if he is a good man, loves you, treats you well and makes you laugh then that is the most important thing.