Text messages from husband's colleague

Hannibal Smith

P. Breathnach wrote: »

OP basically trusts her husband. It's his work colleague who is behaving in an inappropriate manner.

For all we know, it might be a silly game that she plays, with no great significance to her or to him. Or she might be trying it on with him. Either way, it seems that he is not playing along with the game.

OP's husband has to work with this woman. He might have judged that the best way to handle her silliness is to shrug it off - that if he reacts more strongly, it could complicate life at work.

Having to work with someone does not give them license to send messages like that to a co worker. If it was a man sending the messages he'd be lynched for it.

Silly game or not its causing arguments and she needs to be told firmly to stop.

pancake batter

I don't think that this sounds like a text sent from somebody that hasn't had any encouragement. It really would be hard to believe that she sends these to other people too unless she is completely unhinged.

Matteroffact

Not alone is this woman chasing a married man but she is actually married herself !!!! There is no way that she is sending these texts to all the men in the office, nor are these texts harmless. Your husband should be telling this woman that she is out of order and that if she doesn't stop this nonsense he will report her. See, he doesn't want the texts to stop because he is enjoying them, and by not asking her to stop he is encouraging her to send more. I am sorry OP but I would not let my husband go to any office "do's" that she is at when you are not there. This is a game that could get totally out of hand. I also don't believe that your husband is not sending her texts as well, otherwise why would she bother ? I don't like the sound of this at all and this woman needs to be told......now.

seenitall

Unregistered wrote: »

There don't appear to have been any further messages which also leads me to believe something might already have been said.

Well, I'd just double check that with the hubs, but hopefully that's the end of it now.

road_high

pancake batter wrote: »

I don't think that this sounds like a text sent from somebody that hasn't had any encouragement. It really would be hard to believe that she sends these to other people too unless she is completely unhinged.

Definitely. The OP has already mentioned her husband has deleted texts that went back and forth too. That sounds like a two-way street to me, even if she does appear to be the chaser.
Why did he not neutralise all this with a very firm "I'm married and love my wife so please leave me alone. Thank you". ? It really is that simple. From what I'm hearing this hasn't happened and he has been half-hearted at best in his turn-downs of her advances.

Magicmatilda

I'm female and single but if I was getting texts like that from a male work collegue and it was unwanted then I would be telling him quite sply that I was not interested and ask him to stop. Then, if he continued I would again ask him to stop and also add that if he continues I would involve HR.

I certainly would not be doing absolutely nothing and engage with him.

If she feels comfortable enough to send a text like that then how comfortable are they in person.

I work in an office and unwanted texts like that would be considered unacceptable.

However if I was interested it would be a different story. So how interested is he?

The fact that he is unwilling to respect your feelings does not bide well. It's not a small thing and everybody doesn't carry on like that.

Victoria Fortescue

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm positive nothing physical has happened but I just don't understand tbh how a professional working relationship can suddenly turn into a scenario where this type of message being sent.

Well it didn't happen over night, and it wasn't without lack of encouragement from your husband. It sounds like the result of ongoing two way flirting that is on the verge of getting dangerous. I would see this as a threat to your marriage, because your husband has not said 'I'm a married man, I'm not interested' to her.

Do not let this drop, and take no excuses. This bullsh1t about her being some kind of psycho predator is an excuse for a weak man falling pathetically for her advances and an ego boost. He's looking for a thrill, and behaving like an idiot. If I didn't get the truth out him and fast, and a promise he would have the back off conversation with her, he'd be looking for his bloody suitcases, never mind a thrill.

GreeBo

Victoria Fortescue wrote: »

Well it didn't happen over night, and it wasn't without lack of encouragement from your husband. It sounds like the result of ongoing two way flirting that is on the verge of getting dangerous. I would see this as a threat to your marriage, because your husband has not said 'I'm a married man, I'm not interested' to her.

I really cannot see how you can say these things about someone else and their marriage.

I also think effectively advising that someone kicks out their husband of 10 years, whom they have 2 kids with, is not terribly useful.

Victoria Fortescue

GreeBo wrote: »

I really cannot see how you can say these things about someone else and their marriage.

Someone that deletes messages are covering their tracks. If they feel they have to cover their tracks then they are likely to be hiding something.

I also think effectively advising that someone kicks out their husband of 10 years, whom they have 2 kids with, is not terribly useful.

I'm sorry you feel that way, but the advice is not meant for you. There is nothing what so ever wrong with the op requesting the truth from her husband. It's entirely up to her what she wants to do beyond that.

I do have children myself, and fidelity is a deal breaker for me, therefore so is the truth. My advice is based on this, so Im uphased by your disagreement. We obviously handle things differently.

Tokyo

GreeBo wrote: »

I really cannot see how you can say these things about someone else and their marriage.

I also think effectively advising that someone kicks out their husband of 10 years, whom they have 2 kids with, is not terribly useful.

I have to agree with this. The thread has gone from advising the "op requesting the truth from her husband", to pretty much labeling the guy as a cheating husband because he is apparently "covering his tracks", encouraging the woman, etc etc. I'm all for the OP talking to her husband and that would be my advice too, but I don't see how it's helpful to say that if it were MY husband, I"d have his balls in a jar, etc etc.

The fact remains that this situation involves somebody from his workplace, which makes it a complex situation for the OP's husband, and people seem to be brushing that aside. If it were someone form MY workplace, I'd be treating the situation with kid gloves too. That's not an excuse, it's quite possible that the OP's husband is being less than 100% honest, but he does deserve the benefit of the doubt, particularly from people who don't know the person, hit work environment, etc etc.

ladygirl

If something like this happened to me - I would also just laugh off any msgs that I got and dismiss them lightheartedly as harmless fun, whilst at the same time hoping that my dismissal would eventually discourage the person from texting in future. This I think was your husbands way of saving face at the office and I think many in his position would have responded exactly the same way.

However her recent messages are showing that this has gone totally out of control. Putting all feelings for this girl and her actions aside - it is your husband not her who is disrespecting you. He is disrespecting you by entertaining these messages and getting his "ego boost" from something that clearly upsets you so much.

He says nothing happened and you believe him (that ends that)
however these messages cannot continue and he needs to be made aware of that. I understand that he does not want to rock the boat at work - what I do not understand is how he is so willing to rock the boat at home!!! Why put this girls feelings ahead of those of his wife????

Once he found out you had saw the messages and how upset you were he should have immediately nipped this in the bud..

I unfortunately would give him an ultimatum... Tell him that HIS behaviour is unacceptable. And that he either puts this girl in line and never responds to her messages again or reconsiders his future with you.. His failure to do the above will show you that you may have more than some text messages to worry about.

You should be able to trust your partner to go to work and being unable to do so will ruin your marriage one way or another in time...

ALl the best op

scarymoon1

GreeBo wrote: »

I really cannot see how you can say these things about someone else and their marriage.

I also think effectively advising that someone kicks out their husband of 10 years, whom they have 2 kids with, is not terribly useful.

I agree - too often I see people giving advice to end a marriage or break up with someone. You can't give that advice by reading a few lines on a thread - very naive to dish out bad advice like that.

Sleepy

A huge degree of this comes down to what the workplace is like. If it's a large corporate place or a public sector agency where there's a huge staff, direct work contact between them is rare and official HR offices and policies exist, it'd a lot easier to go "official" on something like this than in an SME where everything is about the team and close work is required regularly. In the latter situation (much like my own work environment), I'd be playing it like the OP's husband is too: careful not to cause offense but declining her advances (in fact, I've done just that in the past myself, though to be fair, my circumstances would have been different - a one off approach that was never mentioned again rather than the rabid persuit the OP's husband is fending off).

So many of the responses in here seem to be along the lines of "tell him to throw professional caution to the wind and to hell with the consequences" that it verges on the ridiculous. It's not a leap to suggest that OP and her husband have a mortgage/rent and bills to pay. An overly emotional response to this based on the OP's hurt feelings could have far more serious consequences than her being put out by the calmer, more tactful refusals her husband is currently giving his colleague.

road_high

scarymoon1 wrote: »

I agree - too often I see people giving advice to end a marriage or break up with someone. You can't give that advice by reading a few lines on a thread - very naive to dish out bad advice like that.

I don't think people are neccessarily saying "end the marriage" here; that's drastic in fairness. What I would say is there are a lot of unanswered questions and missing gaps in the husbands story. These all need to be answered and the facts established to rebuilt trust on the part of the op.

scarymoon1

road_high wrote: »

I don't think people are neccessarily saying "end the marriage" here; that's drastic in fairness. What I would say is there are a lot of unanswered questions and missing gaps in the husbands story. These all need to be answered and the facts established to rebuilt trust on the part of the op.

I said too often I see people giving advice to end marriages - I didn't say where. I should have been specific

brooke 2

Matteroffact wrote: »

Not alone is this woman chasing a married man but she is actually married herself !!!! There is no way that she is sending these texts to all the men in the office, nor are these texts harmless. Your husband should be telling this woman that she is out of order and that if she doesn't stop this nonsense he will report her. See, he doesn't want the texts to stop because he is enjoying them, and by not asking her to stop he is encouraging her to send more. I am sorry OP but I would not let my husband go to any office "do's" that she is at when you are not there. This is a game that could get totally out of hand. I also don't believe that your husband is not sending her texts as well, otherwise why would she bother ? I don't like the sound of this at all and this woman needs to be told......now.[/quoteI

Your husband is clearly enjoying the attentions of this woman.
Many men find women who flatter them to be irresistible. The fact
that he dismisses your concerns about her texts I would find
worrying.

CaraMay

It's ridiculous to say to not 'let' her husband go to any office nights out. So HE can't be trusted? If he is going to cheat then he is going to cheat. I also think there is more to it here and we are not hearing the full story from him.

P. Breathnach

CaraMay wrote: »

... I also think there is more to it here and we are not hearing the full story from him.

We are not hearing anything from him. Everybody here is speculating about his position.

ladygirl

CaraMay wrote: »

It's ridiculous to say to not 'let' her husband go to any office nights out. So HE can't be trusted? If he is going to cheat then he is going to cheat. I also think there is more to it here and we are not hearing the full story from him.

I don't think it is unreasonable to ask for him not to go to these work parties unless this issue is resolved.. I completely understand that if he is going to cheat he can do it anywhere - however this issue all stemmed from her messages at 3am following a boozy work night out.

Once he has assured his wife that he has resolved the issue then I feel that they can then progress as normal - however until then I feel his wifes feelings should be put ahead of his social life with this woman..

CaraMay

P. Breathnach wrote: »

We are not hearing anything from him. Everybody here is speculating about his position.

Obviously...

I meant she isn't getting the full story.

GreeBo

Victoria Fortescue wrote: »

Someone that deletes messages are covering their tracks. If they feel they have to cover their tracks then they are likely to be hiding something.

In *your* opinion. It may well be that the husband is dealing with this delicate situation and doesnt want his wife, the OP, to get upset over some messages that someone else has sent.
You are convicting this guy without knowing the full or even half the story.

Victoria Fortescue wrote: »

I'm sorry you feel that way, but the advice is not meant for you. There is nothing what so ever wrong with the op requesting the truth from her husband. It's entirely up to her what she wants to do beyond that.

Agreed, she can ask for whatever she wants from her husband.

Victoria Fortescue wrote: »

I do have children myself, and fidelity is a deal breaker for me, therefore so is the truth. My advice is based on this, so Im uphased by your disagreement. We obviously handle things differently.

There is nothing to handle yet, there is no infidelity as far as anyone knows. Your advice to the OP is all based on your view that the husband has done something and is hiding it.

This is a very emotional and traumatic time for the OP, I dont think weighing in with Ricki Lake style "kick him to the curb" replies is helping anyone.

Czarcasm

GreeBo wrote: »

In *your* opinion. It may well be that the husband is dealing with this delicate situation and doesnt want his wife, the OP, to get upset over some messages that someone else has sent.
You are convicting this guy without knowing the full or even half the story.

Greebo you need to go back and read the OP. It'd be nice if her husband actually clued his wife in on this "brilliant strategy" of his, instead of dismissing her concerns out of hand.

There is nothing to handle yet, there is no infidelity as far as anyone knows. Your advice to the OP is all based on your view that the husband has done something and is hiding it.

The OP trusts her husband when he says there's been no physical infidelity, but her husband has admitted deleting other similar messages so the OP wouldn't see them, has claimed this woman is "like this with all the guys in the office", as if that somehow makes it ok? "All the guys in the office" aren't married to the OP, who is now left questioning whether this has anything to do with her previous health issues that caused issues in the bedroom from years back.

This is a very emotional and traumatic time for the OP, I dont think weighing in with Ricki Lake style "kick him to the curb" replies is helping anyone.

I don't think trivialising or justifying her husband prioritising another woman or the atmosphere in the office, over his wife's feelings is helping anyone either. Whether it be only a small company with five of them in the office, or a multi-national with 500 of them in the office, sexual harassment is still sexual harassment, whether her husband takes it seriously or not.

I know it's silly to throw around ultimatums, but at some point the OP is going to have to step up, assert herself and say enough is enough with the pussyfooting around the issue.

GreeBo

Czarcasm wrote: »

Greebo you need to go back and read the OP. It'd be nice if her husband actually clued his wife in on this "brilliant strategy" of his, instead of dismissing her concerns out of hand.

Indeed it would be nice, but I dont think thats a good enough reason to walk away from 10 years and 2 kids!

Czarcasm wrote: »

The OP trusts her husband when he says there's been no physical infidelity, but her husband has admitted deleting other similar messages so the OP wouldn't see them, has claimed this woman is "like this with all the guys in the office", as if that somehow makes it ok? "All the guys in the office" aren't married to the OP, who is now left questioning whether this has anything to do with her previous health issues that caused issues in the bedroom from years back.

Agreed, which is why she should talk to him, not start planning on how she is going to kick him out of the house.

Czarcasm wrote: »

I don't think trivialising or justifying her husband prioritising another woman or the atmosphere in the office, over his wife's feelings is helping anyone either. Whether it be only a small company with five of them in the office, or a multi-national with 500 of them in the office, sexual harassment is still sexual harassment, whether her husband takes it seriously or not.

Im not attempting to trivialise anything, merely to show that there are scenarios that are perfectly valid, that dont end up with a broken home as a lot on here appear to be advocating.

Czarcasm wrote: »

I know it's silly to throw around ultimatums, but at some point the OP is going to have to step up, assert herself and say enough is enough with the pussyfooting around the issue.

Or they continue to talk about it and figure out a way that works for them, as a couple of people who have known each other for a hell of a lot longer than any of us have been involved.
Ultimatums, in my experience, dont end well.

I believe a little balance is required on this thread, tbh a lot of it seems like women who have been scorned themselves preaching about evil men who cant be trusted and always cheat. I think thats pointless and of no use to the OP.

Czarcasm

GreeBo wrote: »

Indeed it would be nice, but I dont think thats a good enough reason to walk away from 10 years and 2 kids!

I've no doubt it's a complicated situation and there are many factors we're not privy to, but the solution is so simple and it's her husbands responsibility to tell this other woman that straight out, there's no room for her in his marriage. He would be the one responsible for throwing all that away if he thinks the OP should have to put up with his behaviour. This is only one facet of what the OP herself describes as a good husband and father, but he needs to come down off the ego trip and realise the damage that entertaining this other woman is doing to his marriage.

Agreed, which is why she should talk to him, not start planning on how she is going to kick him out of the house.

The OP HAS tried talking to him, but he's not seeing very much sense at the moment. He's tuned out because nobody likes a party pooper. A little bit of maturity needs to be called upon here. Like the OP said - great guy in every other respect, but on this one he's only letting himself down badly by handling it in such a half hearted fashion.

I believe a little balance is required on this thread, tbh a lot of it seems like women who have been scorned themselves preaching about evil men who cant be trusted and always cheat. I think thats pointless and of no use to the OP.

The OP's husband isn't doing a whole lot to counteract that misguided perception though, is he? That's what's really pointless here, is his half hearted "I'm flattered but bad idea" texts, deleting texts in case the OP sees them, sure the guy might as well be loading the gun himself with that half-baked strategy that's as much as saying to this other woman "I would if I could but I can't", she only sees "I would...". Who knows, the guys in the office might actually admire him for telling this woman to stop making herself look like a fool.

tinkerbell

This is not harmless fun. I find it extremely odd that the OP's husband just thinks it's alright to let this woman text him with things like "could barely keep my hands off you" and all the other crap she was texting him. The OP's husband should be telling her it is not on for her to text him and to stop it at once. It is sexual harassment.

Unless of course the OP's husband actually wants her to text him which makes me think he does as I don't think anybody would actually allow someone to text them crap like that if they did not want it.

It is also v strange that the husband has deleted some texts. This whole thing strikes me as that the husband likes the attention and has led her on a bit (which doesn't mean he has actually cheated yet) but it is still wrong to do so.

I'm sure if roles were reversed, the husband would be ready to throttle the guy if he was texting his wife stuff like "could barely keep my hands off you". Even to respond to texts with "not a good idea" - eh wtf is that about?

Seriously OP, there are red flags everywhere here. Either that or your husband is a naive idiot and doesn't think it's a big deal and she's harmless. Regardless, you clearly aren't comfortable with it so he should be nipping it in the bud.

P. Breathnach

tinkerbell wrote: »

This is not harmless fun....

It could be. Two possibilities:
- It's a silly flirtatious game that both parties are playing, without either of them taking it at all seriously.
- She is making a play for him, and he is deflecting her as gently as he can because a more robust response might lead to an awkward situation in the workplace.

Okay, the second scenario is not entirely harmless on all fronts, but it is not harmful to OP, and it is her interest that we are addressing here.

Czarcasm

P. Breathnach wrote: »

It could be. Two possibilities:
- It's a silly flirtatious game that both parties are playing, without either of them taking it at all seriously.
- She is making a play for him, and he is deflecting her as gently as he can because a more robust response might lead to an awkward situation in the workplace.

Okay, the second scenario is not entirely harmless on all fronts, but it is not harmful to OP, and it is her interest that we are addressing here.

It might be just a silly flirtatious game for this other woman and the OPs husband, but the OP isn't part of the game, and it's causing arguments in their marriage. Therefore it's not harmless, because it's causing harm. I don't think it's in the OPs interest to facilitate her husband's ego being stroked by another woman either. Each of us here our opinions are colored by our experiences, and mine tells me that this other woman is unhappy in her own marriage, and wants to feel wanted by other men, though she has no intentions of doing anything physical with them.

She hit jackpot with the OPs husband, knowing that she can flirt with him "safely", as in he has no intentions of anything physical happening either. It's a dangerous game which makes it exciting for them both, but the OP is bringing him back to reality, and that's no fun. Her husband needs a serious reality check before he ends up in the same boat as this other woman and she figures "I've had my fun and that's all that matters", before moving on to her next target.

Engine No.9

ladygirl wrote: »

I don't think it is unreasonable to ask for him not to go to these work parties unless this issue is resolved.. I completely understand that if he is going to cheat he can do it anywhere - however this issue all stemmed from her messages at 3am following a boozy work night out.

I'm sorry, I have a serious issue with this. Putting caveats on whether a fella (or girl for that matter) can go out is more likely to add fuel to the fire and a guy who might never have had a mind to cheat may well feel "who the hell does she think she is?" and it starts to creep in up to the point where cheating is now an option. Obviously relationships, and especially marriages, have an implied contract where cheating is banned but putting the reins on someone tends to make them pull harder in the opposite direction.

Look, if he's going to cheat, let him. Take your action, whatever that may be and be better off for it. If it turns out he does/is cheat(ing) then you and your kids are far better off without this influence in your daily lives.

And just to put a point on it, I'm separated from my partner of 10 years for the last 2 and a half years. Cheating wasn't the issue. But we have 5 kids together and they are really great, grounded kids. A break up isn't the worst thing in the world for kids so long as the adults don't become 2 more children.

Hannibal Smith

I don't know when it became ok for work place atmosphere to take priority over home life atmosphere. Or for a work colleague to send messages like that to another colleague.

Op if I was you id go to that night out. I dont mean go, hang out of your husband and mark your territory. I mean just go to show your face and don't hide because this woman hasn't the social etiquette to behave properly

ladygirl

pajopearl wrote: »

I'm sorry, I have a serious issue with this. Putting caveats on whether a fella (or girl for that matter) can go out is more likely to add fuel to the fire and a guy who might never have had a mind to cheat may well feel "who the hell does she think she is?" and it starts to creep in up to the point where cheating is now an option. Obviously relationships, and especially marriages, have an implied contract where cheating is banned but putting the reins on someone tends to make them pull harder in the opposite direction.

Look, if he's going to cheat, let him. Take your action, whatever that may be and be better off for it. If it turns out he does/is cheat(ing) then you and your kids are far better off without this influence in your daily lives.

And just to put a point on it, I'm separated from my partner of 10 years for the last 2 and a half years. Cheating wasn't the issue. But we have 5 kids together and they are really great, grounded kids. A break up isn't the worst thing in the world for kids so long as the adults don't become 2 more children.

Im sorry but I disagree.. I dont think it is in any way unreasonable to ask him to refrain from work nights out until this matter is resolved. Not ALL nights out - simply work nights out.

Failure for the OP to put her foot down and express that his behaviour is unacceptable will only lead it to continue and cause much more problems down the line.

He needs to know that his actions have consequences.. That choosing to entertain these messages is going to lead to a hostile environment at home with his wife as she is hurt by his behaviour.

By letting on that she is ok with these work nights to continue she is simply brushing problems under the carpet - This issue needs to be resolved sooner rather than later if their relationship is to survive. From what Ive heard from the OP they were a great couple before this issue and in my opinion they can be again.. However only if her husband puts their marriage first. By walking out the door to a boozy night out with the office girl, whilst his wife is at home minding his children absolutely worried out of her mind is not the way to go about building on their relationship at the moment.

It is bad enough that she is probably paranoid about her partner going to work at the moment (completely understandable under the circumstances) but to have to deal with more boozy nights out on top of that is completely disrespectful. Family should come first!!