Text messages from husband's colleague

LegacyUser

Bit of background - my husband and I are both late 30s with 2 young kids. We've been married 10 years. Things are generally happy between us and we have a good relationship with similar interests. He's a great guy, good father, rarely goes out without me and normally nothing comes between us other than his playstation and my soaps.

Due to a medical problem (with me after the last child), things haven't been great in the bedroom over the last couple of years but that's now improving and we've slowly been getting back to more or less normal.

Anyway a couple of days before Xmas he'd been out for his work party. The next morning I picked up his phone to use the internet on it, mine doesn't have it and I always use his. I swiped it and it was open on the message screen. There were a number of messages from a married work colleague of his, who is a few years younger than us.

She'd texted him around 3am saying things like:
"Hey sexy where are U now",
"You look great tonite, can't stop looking at U. Hate these parties if U aren't around"
followed by "Could hardly keep my hands off U tonite. Proper goodnite kiss alone next time x"

He'd replied to the last one saying "Flattered but bad idea". She replied: "We'll see next time x".

There were a few other texts from her over the last while, normally sent late at night - nothing incriminating, "hey babe x", "what you at tonite x" crap. He usually replied with small talk or didn't reply at all.

I was worried enough to confront him about it later that day. He denied anything at all had happened at the party (which I do believe from his responses) and said she's just flirty and treats all the men in the office the same. He admitted however that he had deleted other similar texts from her in case I saw them.

I asked him to speak to her and let her know that I had seen the texts and that I felt she had crossed a line. He refused point blank, saying that she was harmless and that he found it funny and a bit of an ego boost. It caused a fairly serious argument between us.

My problem really is I can't let go of this, it's really preying on my mind. I'm usually not the jealous type at all and do trust him.

I'm hurt though because I feel he's getting into a situation, where by not speaking to her and telling her to back off, he's giving her permission to continue. If he happens to find himself in a 1 on 1 situation with this woman socially, she might then feel she has the right to try it on. I'm angry because this has caused an argument about trust within our marriage, which has never happened before. I often go to work functions with him, there's one coming up next month and i don't feel I can go if she's there.

I'm just looking for a bit of sensible advice here or an outside view, do I let him deal with it himself and move on, or insist he speaks to this girl? I've threatened to call her myself if I see any more messages which caused another argument!

Tokyo

IF everything you say is true, then I'd say he *is* dealing with the situation reasonably. Drunk co-worker starts texting me flirty drunken crap at 3am, I'd probably ignore the first couple too, then if it kept going, respond with something along the lines of "Flattered but bad idea" - enough to nail the point home, without creating too much drama at work the next day.

In short, she sounds like the office attention seeker, whereas your partner seems to just want her to leave him alone and let him enjoy his life. To be honest, I think if he marches in there to put her in her place, as per your instructions, it's going to cause bigger issues than if he just lets her get bored and move on to someone else.

loalae

He's either not replying to her or telling her that he's flattered but not interested. That sounds like rejection to me. Maybe the girl sees him as a challenge or is fooling herself. Your husband isn't giving her any ammunition or encouragement.

The only thing he's doing "wrong" is getting ego boost from it. He was honest with you and didn't dismiss your concerns but he has to work with her and maybe he knows that if he repulsed her more strongly it could end up as a sh*tstorm at work and he wants to avoid that.

Ask him how the other men at work respond to her. Laugh at the girl with him, poor thing is chasing after married men who have no interest in her.

MugMugs

Nah, sorry, I've been there and done that and frankly if he has any respect for you he'll tell that girl to back off and stop sending texts like that.

strandroad

Unregistered wrote: »

There were a few other texts from her over the last while, normally sent late at night - nothing incriminating, "hey babe x", "what you at tonite x" crap. He usually replied with small talk or didn't reply at all.

I was worried enough to confront him about it later that day. He denied anything at all had happened at the party (which I do believe from his responses) and said she's just flirty and treats all the men in the office the same. He admitted however that he had deleted other similar texts from her in case I saw them.

If this situation is not a one off and there have been other late night/flirty texts going on for a while I really don't see why your husband is even replying. He may not be responding in kind, but he is not telling her to back off either and in her eyes he's most likely just playing hard to get. He may not be driving the flirt but he's certainly taking part in it. His ego should be suitable flattered after a handful of them, no need to continue.

Why doesn't he tell her to stop texting him at home? Or at least start ignoring her texts completely?

Little Acorn

mike_ie wrote: »

IF everything you say is true, then I'd say he *is* dealing with the situation reasonably. Drunk co-worker starts texting me flirty drunken crap at 3am, I'd probably ignore the first couple too, then if it kept going, respond with something along the lines of "Flattered but bad idea" - enough to nail the point home, without creating too much drama at work the next day.

In short, she sounds like the office attention seeker, whereas your partner seems to just want her to leave him alone and let him enjoy his life. To be honest, I think if he marches in there to put her in her place, as per your instructions, it's going to cause bigger issues than if he just lets her get bored and move on to someone else.

It's not like it just happened after this one work party though.

The op said this woman has been sending other texts lately, mostly late at night.

Her husband also admitted to deleting other messages from her so that the op wouldn't see them.
If it's all harmless why bother deleting and hiding it all?

And now that he knows his wife is understandably hugely uncomfortable about all this, he doesn't seem to care about her feelings and is point blank refusing to do anything about it because he finds it "funny" and an "ego boost".

Good to see where his priorities lie. I would be fuming too tbh.

As for in work, she is the one chasing after married men so fail to see how the husband could be seen badly for putting her straight.

iusedtoknow

TBH, he is playing this one well.
It would be completely counter productive for you to steamroll in and tell her to back off. He will still have to work with her, and it could cause issues professionally for your husband if she spreads it around and spins it to suit her.

Your husband is a grown up, and is dealing with it in a grown up way. He is being up front with you about it and tbh it'll probably go away by itself. If it doesn't then HE should be the one to tell her back off, not you.

Czarcasm

OP your husband is behaving rather immaturely and insensitively on this particular issue. You've expressed your concerns to him and he has turned around and turned it back on you by telling you it's an ego boost for him and he finds it funny. I don't think he realises how serious an issue this is for you when it's encroaching on your marriage to the point where you now feel you can't accompany your own husband to an occasion.

His attitude sounds very selfish and laid back tbh, putting his own ego above your feelings, that's no way to be carrying on. It won't just go away unless your husband changes his attitude and makes it crystal clear to this other woman that her attentions are unwelcome. He's not going to do that as long as you're willing to put up with his behaviour for the sake of not rocking the boat.

If he wants to look elsewhere for an ego boost and a bit of fun, let him off, rather than let him expect you to put up with that nonsense. It'll do you no good in the long run if you let him sort this out himself. The point is - he won't, as he doesn't see he has anything to lose.

Dellnum

I think it is disgusting that this woman is married and she thinks it is okay to send texts like this to a work colleague who is also married. I don't believe for one minute that there is nothing in this. She would not be sending them if she wasn't getting some encouragement. She had to have had some sign from your husband that he was open to such messages. I would not trust her one bit and I know that all of the advice here is to say nothing and let him deal with it but quite honestly he is not dealing with it very well as it is. I don't know what you can do OP but if it were me I would be contacting her pronto and telling her what I thought of her, the cheek of her. If your husband wants to keep you happy he knows what to do and if he is not doing it then I would take it into my own hands. So what if he has to work with her and there is an atmosphere, which kind of atmosphere would you prefer between them, a cold atmosphere or a loving one. I know what I would prefer?

Tokyo

Dellnum wrote: »

If your husband wants to keep you happy he knows what to do and if he is not doing it then I would take it into my own hands. So what if he has to work with her and there is an atmosphere, which kind of atmosphere would you prefer between them, a cold atmosphere or a loving one. I know what I would prefer?

I can't imagine anything *possibly* going wrong with this course of action...

CaraMay

Yeah I don't understand how texts go from pure colleague to talking about feeling him up? There seems to be a lot of middle ground missing????

Czarcasm

mike_ie wrote: »

I can't imagine anything *possibly* going wrong with this course of action...

Exactly. Icing on the cake for his ego is the first thing that springs to mind to have two women "fighting" over him. Then it could go completely the other way where the OP's husband will resent the OP for treating him like a child and spoiling his "fun". If anyone is to approach this woman and deal with this issue it should be the person who is giving her the impression that he's flattered. That's as good as saying to her "I'm all yours", unless he explicitly spells it out to her that he isn't interested in anyone else but the OP, his wife.

animum

I personally think that he is handling the woman well.
If the op or her husband makes a big deal of this then this trouble stirring witch will get an ego boost.
He can't be nasty or she could get messy.

He needs to be a little bit more sensitive Iabout the situation at home but reacting at work could make it more of a drama than it is.

P.s. I would go to the staff night out and stand next to your husband and show her your marriage is strong...
Don't let this idiot of a woman cause arguments, she isn't worth it.

Tokyo

animum wrote: »

I would go to the staff night out and stand next to your husband and show her your marriage is strong...
Don't let this idiot of a woman cause arguments, she isn't worth it.

This, in a nutshell, is your answer.

Pissy Missy

He admitted however that he had deleted other similar texts from her in case I saw them.

First of all I am not married and do not have children but have been disrespected and cheated on in the past. I can see where he probably does not want to cause conflict in the workplace or make things awkward but things have already been made awkward by him not telling you of this girl in the first place. I don't know if he was trying to spare you of worry or if he was trying to hide this for other reasons. I don't know your husband but you do say you trust him.

I think he's been disrespectful to you by not telling this woman that you saw the messages and that they are obviously very inappropriate. Also...it makes me wonder...if he deleted texts by her, did he delete texts he sent to her possibly also? I don't want to be negative or make you worry, but do you think it is at all possible your husband had a bit of an intimate encounter with his co-worker?

This girl could be just a shi stirrer and looking for attention but maybe you could do some detective work to see if everything your husband is saying fits the bill. Are you friends with his other co-workers? Maybe you could text this girl and see what she says. Although detective work can cause trouble sometimes so think things through carefully before you take action. However you did say you trust him so you may not feel the need to do that. I wish you the best of luck with everything!xxx

strobe

Personally I think contacting her or showing up at a work thing with your husband and guarding him all night are both awful awful ideas (wouldn't make your relationship seem strong, quite the opposite).

You say you're husband refused point blank to tell her you saw the messages and she has to stop because of this. I can understand his reluctance to do this too.

But knowing how much its getting to you should absolutely trump how harmless he thinks it is or how pleasant he finds it for his ego.

Try talking to him again in a calm and reasonable way. Explain that you trust him but let him know that its making you feel uncomfortable and jealous and preying on your mind. Then ask him if he'd let her know to stop with the flirty stuff, not because you saw the messages and have told him to tell her to stop, you're not his mammy. But from whatever angle or for whatever reason he thinks would be best.

Calm and reasonable are the key words to keep in your mind.

Victoria Fortescue

he'd texted him around 3am saying things like:
"Hey sexy where are U now",
"You look great tonite, can't stop looking at U. Hate these parties if U aren't around"
followed by "Could hardly keep my hands off U tonite. Proper goodnite kiss alone next time x"

I'm with Caramay on this, they sound a lot closer than he is letting on. One text message saying 'bad idea' means nothing, there is missing context to this. He's been deleting messages because he doesn't want to be found out, he just slipped up this time. I don't know how far this has gone, but given the kind of thing she is sending him, he is at the very least encouraging her. The comment about her not being able to keep her hands off him suggests more, and he is a willing participant.

I'd go back over this with him, I'm not buying it.

JonSmith

Hi there,

he should read this thread and see peoples opinions, I personally think it's totally unreasonable, this will snowball unless he addresses it, not fair on you at all

Tokyo

Victoria Fortescue wrote: »

I'm with Caramay on this, they sound a lot closer than he is letting on. One text message saying 'bad idea' means nothing, there is missing context to this. He's been deleting messages because he doesn't want to be found out, he just slipped up this time. I don't know how far this has gone, but given the kind of thing she is sending him, he is at the very least encouraging her. The comment about her not being able to keep her hands off him suggests more, and he is a willing participant.

I'd go back over this with him, I'm not buying it.

So what - he's deleting every second text just to confuse everyone? I don't buy that either... he'd either delete everything, or none at all.

As animum stated earlier, go to the staff night out and show her first hand that the marriage is solid. Sounds like the guy is getting hung, drawn and quartered here without any reasonable proof that he's done something wrong, other than being insensitive to how his wife feels about the issue.

fungun

I think he is handling this fairly well actually. 'Official' responses saying that you have seen the texts and really want her to stop, or turning up at a social event to 'show that your marriage is strong' in fact does exactly the opposite - it shows you are worried and actually creates a sense of legitimacy to her position. It will make her feel she is making progress, and that she has driven a wedge between the two of you.....which in her mind is 'her winning'

The ideal scenario for you is that your husband maybe ups his rejections a little but not enough for the woman to think it is forced or that she has caused an issue in his marriage....and she will become bored when she doesnt get anywhere with him. So unless its really bad Id let your husband deal with it but tell him you want no more deleted texts and for him to be more forceful in his own rejections of her.....but not to let on it is coming from you. I also think it would be reasonable to be asking that he doesnt drink too much on nights out with her for now just in case....

seenitall

Hi OP,

I think the reply above me 'hits the spot', as it were.

Talk calmly to your husband and ask him to up the rejection somewhat. He should have no problem doing that if he is above board. I appreciate that it is difficult to find the right proportion of rejection to awkwardness in situations like this, however "Flattered but bad idea" is like a red flag to a bull really, a very half-hearted sort of rejection which leaves plenty of space for further developments. I wouldn't like it at all.

Best wishes.

Victoria Fortescue

mike_ie wrote: »

So what - he's deleting every second text just to confuse everyone? .

I never said he was trying to confuse anyone. What I think is more likely here is that he has been getting rid of any that might hang him out to dry, up to now. He's slipped up. I'm not sure why you're ignoring the context of texts.

I'll put it plainly. If there was a text message in my bf's phone that came from a woman saying she couldn't keep her hands off him last night, he'd have to have proof she was giving him life saving treatment for her to have her mitts on him, or I'd pack his bags for him and send him on his merry way. I'm not naive and I wouldn't put up with pathetic lies. I despise dishonesty.

The op said herself that due to her own health reasons the bedroom side of things hit a bit of a low. Maybe that will be the excuse he fires at her when this eventually comes to a head. A low in the bedroom doesn't give either party the right to seek it elsewhere. That's when couples have to come together and put the work in, communicate with each other and seek couples counselling if needs be. He's copping out, and it's up to the OP if it's salvageable, and only if he gives a full admission on what is going on.

road_high

The line "couldn't keep my hands off you" is unfortunately alarming op. Says to me too that there may be a lot of missing links you just don't know About or he is telling you.
Why would she say that if it was all a bit of flirting? Just don't buy it myself.

Fridge

I find it very hard to believe anyone (bar a complete psycho) would send texts like that unless something had already happened, or at least a lot of two-way flirting. What they say really do imply (although do not prove) there's something going on, more than unrequited flirting. Do you really think she's texting all the other guys in the office like that?

If he had completely ignored the texts, she wouldn't keep it up. It just sounds to me like she's sure of herself, because she's been given reason to be.

LegacyUser

OP here. I just wanted to thank everyone for their good advice, I'm so grateful. I read the comments over the weekend but couldn't post back until now.

A couple of people made comments about the middle ground being missing and I agree, this is what's bothering me. I'm positive nothing physical has happened but I just don't understand tbh how a professional working relationship can suddenly turn into a scenario where this type of message being sent.

Fungun, I think you are correct and this is kind of the approach that might work. I did try to instigate a conversation over the weekend but it got interrupted and didn't happen. I think he knows another talk is on the cards and we'll see how it plays out. There don't appear to have been any further messages which also leads me to believe something might already have been said.

Thank you all again, i wasn't expecting so many responses and it really means a lot to me.

GreeBo

road_high wrote: »

The line "couldn't keep my hands off you" is unfortunately alarming op. Says to me too that there may be a lot of missing links you just don't know About or he is telling you.
Why would she say that if it was all a bit of flirting? Just don't buy it myself.

big difference between that and what she actually said which was "Could hardly keep my hands off U tonite."
As in she did keep her hands off, but barely.
He didnt have to do anything to instigate that, a few posters on here seem to be missing that and effectively accusing this guy of having a full blown affair.

Hannibal Smith

I must be a right tight a$$ because if I found texts like that on my husbands phone I would kick a $$. I would go through both of them for a short cut. Who the hell does sge think she is texting some one else's husband like that? And who the hell does he think he is to argue with you over it? If you got a text message like 'could hardly keep my hands off you', from a male colleague would your husband be as reasonable as he's expecting you to be?

For her to text 'hey babe/sexy' could be defined as her being flirty, but the whole kissing and hands off him business is so far over the line she deserves a smack of the line to remind her its there! (Not that I'm condoning suggesting a violent answer )

I know we're in the year 2014 and we're all supposed to be even minded and civilised, but those texts are incredible. And I would demand the husband sort it out and if not id approach her.

Trying to rationalise them is all well and good when its not your other half in the frame.

Czarcasm

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

I must be a right tight a$$ because if I found texts like that on my husbands phone I would kick a $$. I would go through both of them for a short cut. Who the hell does sge think she is texting some one else's husband like that? And who the hell does he think he is to argue with you over it? If you got a text message like 'could hardly keep my hands off you', from a male colleague would your husband be as reasonable as he's expecting you to be?

For her to text 'hey babe/sexy' could be defined as her being flirty, but the whole kissing and hands off him business is so far over the line she deserves a smack of the line to remind her its there! (Not that I'm condoning suggesting a violent answer )

I know we're in the year 2014 and we're all supposed to be even minded and civilised, but those texts are incredible. And I would demand the husband sort it out and if not id approach her.

Trying to rationalise them is all well and good when its not your other half in the frame.

Truth be told Hannibal you wouldn't be the only one, but I wouldn't bother looking at the other woman at all in this. The responsibility for this situation lies squarely on the OP's husband who needs to grow a pair and stop acting like he's a teenager again. The fact is that it could have been any woman that could turn her husbands head, but it's his responsibility to say to this woman -

"Y'know what, I'm married, and I don't want to be dragged into your marriage problems!".

That's how any mature adult would handle the situation.

Hannibal Smith

Czarcasm wrote: »

Truth be told Hannibal you wouldn't be the only one, but I wouldn't bother looking at the other woman at all in this. The responsibility for this situation lies squarely on the OP's husband who needs to grow a pair and stop acting like he's a teenager again. The fact is that it could have been any woman that could turn her husbands head, but it's his responsibility to say to this woman -

"Y'know what, I'm married, and I don't want to be dragged into your marriage problems!".

That's how any mature adult would handle the situation.

I couldn't agree more. ..and the cheek of him trying to argue his way out of it!!! Its all true what you say...but I think id have to go for her too!!

You can tell my levels of zero tolerance when it comes to this by the amount of exclamations I've used

P. Breathnach

OP basically trusts her husband. It's his work colleague who is behaving in an inappropriate manner.

For all we know, it might be a silly game that she plays, with no great significance to her or to him. Or she might be trying it on with him. Either way, it seems that he is not playing along with the game.

OP's husband has to work with this woman. He might have judged that the best way to handle her silliness is to shrug it off - that if he reacts more strongly, it could complicate life at work.

Czarcasm

P. Breathnach wrote: »

OP basically trusts her husband. It's his work colleague who is behaving in an inappropriate manner.

For all we know, it might be a silly game that she plays, with no great significance to her or to him. Or she might be trying it on with him. Either way, it seems that he is not playing along with the game.

OP's husband has to work with this woman. He might have judged that the best way to handle her silliness is to shrug it off - that if he reacts more strongly, it could complicate life at work.

I'm fairly sure we've all been there at some point PB, and I'd say that's exactly what this other woman is playing on, but the OP's husband has his head in a haze of teenage ego stroking to see what his dismissive replies are doing to the OP, who should be his priority, not how this other woman will react.