Is this feeling normal?

Chocolate fiend

My solution, carry the baby in a sling, it's up to you when/if someone else gets to hold them then because you have to take them out to pass them over.
My daughter is 22 months, I carry her everywhere still (in said sling) and I am and always have been very slow to give her to anyone, she has never been away from me at all. We went to a preschool concert the other day for my son and she headed off and sat with the other children and played so well, one of the childcare workers commented on how securely attached she is to me because she just knows I am there, I firmly believe this is because I held her constantly and never passed her around. It hasn't made her clingy at all, it has done quite the opposite and given her great confidence.

wallycharlo

AvonEnniskerry wrote: »

...It was 3months of just myself and my husband holding and caring for our daughter...

Just merely out of curiousity, where did you come accross this '3 month rule' i.e. is it a general baby term or 'newborn lingo' so to speak, or is it rather something which yourself and your husdand devised together?

the_monkey

I know exactly how you feel OP, with our boy 2 years ago her family took the piss - In Spain I think uncles and grandparents think they are parents too ... they show total disrespect to the parents and totally take over, even the uncle was trying to feed the baby, I lost the head a couple of times ...

One day the uncle came into our room in the morning and took the baby away .... sick.

mum2be

So during this 3 month period did you allow anybody else to hold your baby? Was it totally yourself and your husband tending to the baby? Did you even let any grandparents hold the child?

mum2be

Op, I think you have a lot of issues and insecurities and are allowing these to come between your inlaws and your daughter. I don't blame your inlaws from being peeved off that they are not allowed to share the joy of your new daughter. It basically comes down to control. For your own reasons you want to control how they interact with your daughter and when and where your daughter interacts with them. You are using your daughter in your own personal battle with them to punish them in a way that's selfish.
You said in your first post it was you yourself that implemented the three month rule. If you were strong enough to insist that this (daft, in my opinion) rule was implemented, why can you not be strong enough to ask for your daughter back when you say your mother-in-law refuses to give her back to you, 'Mary, I'll take her back and settle her'.
You shut your husband's family out at a very exciting time for them. Perphaps you should have used the birth of your daughter as a way to heal whatever wounds were between you and move on.

We are not lucky enough to have family nearby but when my children do see them I have no problem handing them over for some love and cuddles. Sometimes, the baby will be strange in a new house, but as soon as she's ready I'll hand her over and I cannot imagine denying my family or my inlaws this joy. My eldest daughter has a great relationship with her grandparents, aunts, uncle and cousins and loves to see them and talk about them.

Are you afraid that your inlaws will bond with your daughter or come between your bond with her? Remember, you are your daughter's mother and nobody else will take your place and could ever replace the bond that you have with her. Be confident in that and in your ability to raise her as a confident young girl without any insecurities. However I think if you are to continue like this you will be creating problems for your daughter in the future.
We've all been first time parents at some stage and remember the enormous urge to love and protect all of our babies. However I cannot imagine denying my family (and I include my inlaws here) from loving and cuddling my babies. Have you ever heard of the phrase 'it takes a village to raise a child'?

Enjoy being a parent and don't waste time fretting about past transgressions. Relax. Enjoy being a mum. Forget the negative thoughts like 'I'll give you my daughter when I think you've earned my respect' or whatever reasons you have for not letting them hold her.

I think after a few other children you'll be giving them away before you reach your inlaw's door : )

Synyster Shadow

I think it's each persons situation that makes it different for everyone. For me my MIL never liked me then loved me cause I was pregnant sayin she'd help me during it. Never happened and my son arrived. Then she was awkward with him which got him agitated when she'd hold him. Even now he'll make strange with her 8 months on. I remember when he was born she said she didn't know how she would feel about him, been rid had to learn to love her son. She says these things and expects I won't talk to my husband. It's an awkward situation.

Now I'm almost 6 months pregnant and she's back to I'll help and said to stay with her a week so she could help while I was unwell and hubby was working. She was never there and ended up going to her friends for the week. Her solution when this baby arrives is to let her take my son and I'll look after new baby. So separate my two kids. This won't happen and after all the chances I have given for her to be part of his life she has messed each single chance up. And she won't from here on, she never visits rathers go places for weeks on end instead and I'm too tired to keep doing the running. Am I been unfair? Some will say yes but it's me that puts up with it all and deals with an unhappy toddler so I'm gonna please me now.

Point is you'll only be able do what your comfortable with. And until you are comfortable everything will be strained when it comes to them wanting this that and the other. I think these situations know how to get stressful making them feel a lot worse. I do sympathise with you. For me I'm glad I gave the chances that she wanted but she messed up for herself which hubby see's himself and he wants less of it in future without me having to say I'm worried and stressed about it.

AvonEnniskerry

I really like the sling idea. The 3month rule was something myself and my husband devised to make us feel more comfortable with the baby. We asked no one to hold her during this time. Not even the grand parents, they got there obligatory hold whilst in the hospital but that's it. However while mine respected our wishes. His did not. She's a newborn child not a toy to be passed around.

I'm getting annoyed at people not reading the thread properly but yet coming to their own conclusions mum2be. It is not that I am not allowing my in laws to hold her. I am just not happy with the lack of respect so it is making me less comfortable going up. Why shouldn't I ask for respect. As previously stated my I'm laws will never get to babysit her alone. But this is for safety reasons towards my own child and as a mother, I feel I would not be doing my job correctly handing her over whilst I am not comfortable and whilst I know potentially there is greater risk of something happening.
While I am there though I wish to be taken into account regarding the child. I am aware the issues come down to control but why should I be made feel like I have no control in a situation regarding my daughter.

Also I would just like to point out that's it not as easy as just getting over it. This feeling is in my gut. Not something fleeting. Without the help of others making me feel at ease by respecting my wishes it will always be there. I can't just push my feelings aside as it will only make things worse. Everything will just build up, not go away which appears to be a common misconception.

CaraMay

But it's not all about you op...

I think mum2be hit the nail on the head and the baby is being used as a reward / punishment depending on your mood. You came on a public forum to get people's opinion yet now you are getting annoyed with the responses.

I suspect your husband has little input into any of this yet it's his parents who are being sidelined and manipulated. It's all ridiculous IMHO

AvonEnniskerry

I think yes to an extent it is all about me. But im the new mother in a fragile state of mind. Say I go to the doctor tomorrow and im diagnosed with post natal depression. Im sent to therapy and put on medication. All for something that could have been resolved with a little understanding from people.

As for my husband it is not your place to judge our relationship. He is in agreement as to why I would not be comfortable with his mother minding our daughter on her own. Yes I came into a public forum but the resounding result is that others too feel this way.

Sligo1

AvonEnniskerry wrote: »

I think yes to an extent it is all about me. But im the new mother in a fragile state of mind. Say I go to the doctor tomorrow and im diagnosed with post natal depression. Im sent to therapy and put on medication. All for something that could have been resolved with a little understanding from people.

As for my husband it is not your place to judge our relationship. He is in agreement as to why I would not be comfortable with his mother minding our daughter on her own. Yes I came into a public forum but the resounding result is that others too feel this way.

OP perhaps if you are still describing yourself as being in a fragile state of mind 4 months after the birth of your baby you do need a little extra help? Talk to someone maybe?

vitani

Sligo1 wrote: »

OP perhaps if you are still describing yourself as being in a fragile state of mind 4 months after the birth of your baby you do need a little extra help? Talk to someone maybe?

Agree with this. You've been through a lot over the last few years, it seems, so it might be no harm to talk to someone.

I found the first few months after my daughter's birth very tough. I don't think I had PND but my PHN did arrange for me to talk to a counsellor and it did wonders for me - even just in the sense of having that time for 'me' and not the baby.

AvonEnniskerry

I genuinely think just talking to the in laws and having them create an understanding atmosphere would do the world of good. Whereas at the moment I just feel backed into a corner as everytime I try to say anything it's immediately counter acted. I think in all honesty only talking to them has the potential to repair the relationship. Talking to a stranger isn't really going to resolve anything, only provide me with an outlet as this post has.

Sligo1

AvonEnniskerry wrote: »

I genuinely think just talking to the in laws and having them create an understanding atmosphere would do the world of good. Whereas at the moment I just feel backed into a corner as everytime I try to say anything it's immediately counter acted. I think in all honesty only talking to them has the potential to repair the relationship. Talking to a stranger isn't really going to resolve anything, only provide me with an outlet as this post has.

It's totally up to you OP. But here you are only getting people's opinions not professional advice. I dunno, IMO I couldn't imagine not having ANYONE at all hold my baby for a whole 3 months. My mum would have been completely devastated. Our baby is the first good thing that's happened In our family in over 10 years since my dad died. Our wee fella (first grandchild) really brought our whole family together. And I've never seen so much love come from my brother (LO uncle) as I did when LO was born. It was really lovely. But I know your story is completely different and you have your reasons.

The only reason I suggested talk to someone is because you described your own state of mid as being fragile. Which of course every mother is when they give birth... And I could be wrong but I would think after 4 months of this things should be getting a lot better. If this is how I was feeling 4 months later I myself would begin to look at other avenues for relief, opinions and advice from people who really know what they're talking about,

liliq

Fragile doesn't mean bad though? 4 months isn't a very long time in the grand scheme of things.

nikpmup

I'm 11 weeks in and I would say I'm still fragile! It's such a big change, and for every woman who bounces back into normal life, there's one who is fragile. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong necessarily, just that we all adjust to our new roles at a different pace and in a different way.

Sligo1

I didnt say fragile meant bad. But it is something that is bothering the OP. I myself would interpret fragile as perhaps feeling vulnerable. I for one would not want to be feeling vulnerable at a time when I need to be feeling strong for my baby. whenever I have been dealing with people who would describe themselves as having a fragile state of mind... There's usually some professional advice needed or recommended along the way. Feeling a bit fragile is quite different to having a "fragile state of mind".

It is well known that baby blues manifest in the first 2-4 days post birth. It is also published that PND can become a lot more obvious in mothers 4-6 months post birth. Just to note OP I am not saying you have PND. Please don't think I am. I don't know your situation. And I know babes shouldn't be handed around like parcels. But this is something that is bothering you. If you and your husband both agree your inlaws are difficult then the problem probably doesn't lie with you at all.

Merely just putting a few facts out there.

Here's a link for anyone worried about PND.

http://www.hse.ie/eng/services/Publications/services/Children/Postnatal_Depression_A_Guide_for_Mothers,_Family_and_Friends.pdf

AvonEnniskerry

Sligo1, thank you for your comments, I appreciate the way you're phrasing them whilst still getting your point across. The fragile stare is only really revealed when I feel completely out of control which only really happens around his in laws. He would agree that they are difficult and that talking to them is not an option. I don't think I am the whole problem but I am the one suffering. I know someone will say they too are suffering by not getting as much access to their grandchild as they would like. But all they need do is bare in mind our wishes and not argue our choices.

Sligo1

AvonEnniskerry wrote: »

Sligo1, thank you for your comments, I appreciate the way you're phrasing them whilst still getting your point across. The fragile stare is only really revealed when I feel completely out of control which only really happens around his in laws. He would agree that they are difficult and that talking to them is not an option. I don't think I am the whole problem but I am the one suffering. I know someone will say they too are suffering by not getting as much access to their grandchild as they would like. But all they need do is bare in mind our wishes and not argue our choices.

Best of luck OP. I really hope you talk to them and start to feel better in yourself soon. Motherhood is very difficult and exhausting without others impacting on that. Everybody is so different with how they deal with different situations. I hope ye get it all sorted

CaraMay

Op it's pretty clear that you are not going to listen to or take on any advice you got which is different to what you want to hear ie you are right and your in laws are bad.

I'm going to bow out at this stage for the above reason. Hope you can resolve these issues with your in laws for your daughter and husbands sake.

mum2be

I'm getting annoyed at people not reading the thread properly but yet coming to their own conclusions mum2be. It is not that I am not allowing my in laws to hold her. I am just not happy with the lack of respect so it is making me less comfortable going up. Why shouldn't I ask for respect. As previously stated my I'm laws will never get to babysit her alone. But this is for safety reasons towards my own child and as a mother, I feel I would not be doing my job correctly handing her over whilst I am not comfortable and whilst I know potentially there is greater risk of something happening.
While I am there though I wish to be taken into account regarding the child. I am aware the issues come down to control but why should I be made feel like I have no control in a situation regarding my daughter.

AvonEnniskerry, I have been following this thread with interest since you first posted as I really found it hard to understand your point of view.

What is this lack of respect that you talk about? Is it that your mother-in-law picks your daughter up without asking you? Do you want them to ask your permission if they do anything regarding your daughter? Do you require permission every time someone interacts with your daughter? Is it ok if I give her this toy to play with? Mary, can I give her a kiss goodbye? Can I put her socks back on as they've fallen off? To me, that sounds like helicopter parenting and over the top.
Where does your husband come into this? I presume he is with you when you visit. Do they ask him for permission every time they would like to hold your daughter? How does he really feel about the situation?

You want control in every situation regarding your daughter. Why would you need control in a situation where you visit your in-laws for something so simple as giving their granddaughter a cuddle? It's your pride that's hurt. It appears you feel the need to somehow dictate how everyone interacts with your daughter. I don't think this is natural and the situation will only get worse as long as you persist with this bizarre notion.

There is nothing wrong deciding that they will never babysit for you. I can understand that, especially if your mother-in-law is unsteady on her feet as you previously mentioned.

Have you thought about how you will cope as your daughter grows? If you return to work? Send your daughter to a creche? School? Someone's birthday? Have a babysitter over if you go out?

AvonEnniskerry

Mum2be. I think there is a lot to be said for a little respect. I am asking that if I say for whatever reason ie that she is unwell so therefore do not want her passed around that they respect that as opposed to arguing it. Last time we went up this was the case as my husbands father basically prised her from his arms. Their own son had informed them of the situation but yet they still chose to disregard it. It is not a situation of you cannot or must ask to interact with her but merely a please just take on board what we as her parents say or ask of you.
I'm sorry if I jumped to the wrong conclusion and I thank you for following the thread but in turn I can't understand why you can't see where I am coming from.
Personally I think she is only 4months old and there is still and will be plenty of time for others to interact with her. Before long she will be making her own decisions and I will as her mother stand along side what ever she wants, well within reason lol. But for now she's only a baby, our baby.

amdublin

It's a very difficult one.

I can see how you are feeling but I guess I can see how other people just want to hold her.
After all you have her all day and all night every day, but the grandparents only see her now and again.
I think I'd try and facilitate nana and granda as much as possible on that basis.

amdublin

Ps. Appreciate if she is unwell then it might be different, but hopefully this is rare rather than the norm that you will have to has grandparents not to hold her on this basis.

mum2be

Op, perhaps you should be less defensive and more proactive in your approach.

On arrival when your daughter has settled offer her to her grandparents.

I get that they're doting grandparents but when they are around I feel a huge lack of control. My baby is taken off me and only returned to me or my husband if and when they cannot console her.

Totally normal behaviour on the part of your daughter and you are probably the only person she'll want to settle her (even though I think every grandmother out there would love to be able to settle a crying baby in front of its mother to let us know that 'they know best, take note!'. Don't worry about it. It happens everyone. I'm pretty sure her grandparents didn't make her cry on purpose so don't take it personally. You're making a big deal out of it. Take your baby off them and tell them you'll settle her.

Maybe encourage your in-laws to visit you where your daughter would be familiar in her own surroundings and have her own bouncer, playmat or toys to play with.

Perhaps don't visit when your daughter is sick.

You've only yourselves to blame for the problems you're having because of your control issues and the creation of these daft three month rules and expecting your in-laws to conform.
Parenting is hard, but you're making it even harder and unnecessarily more stressful for no coherent reason.

As with CaraMay, I can't add any more to the thread and I'm bowing out.
Good luck.

AvonEnniskerry

Mum2be, that's exactly it. I don't get given the opportunity to offer. I bring her in. I like to settle her within the new place before handing her over but before this happens they want her. Our daughter unfortunately doesn't like being held by others for to long within her own house where it's usually just mammy and daddy. They also stay late keeping her up if this is the case.
I wouldn't usually visit with a sick child but we we're put under a huge amount of pressure by the grandparents to come up as they wanted to see her regardless of her being sick or not. To be honest I don't think hey believed us.
I have no problems with parenting where they are not concerned. I am not saying we are right and they are wrong but they could meet us in the middle.

Also without meaning to sound smart, I did not ask for advice I merely asked if that protective feeling was normal. The thread kind of got off topic when I mentioned my in laws, thoughi have received some great advice or handy hints and tips. Thank you to all who followed it and commented. The thread has been a great insight into others and a great help to myself.

tinkerbell

OP, I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with your approach. You and your husband are the parents of the child, you know what is best. I have a few friends who adopt a similar approach - the baby is not passed around like a toy and is not held for ages by whoever. These kids have all turned out well rounded toddlers who adore their grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. and are very affectionate towards them.

Personally, I think it's very insulting for people to say you must have PND because you don't want your kid to be passed around like some object the minute they arrive in someone else's house. Your inlaws don't even respect your wishes. It is not much to ask that after a journey in a car to their house that they wait a little while til the baby gets settled in before getting picked up. It's not that you are denying access, all you want is a bit of time for baby to get settled first, then they can have a cuddle.

You need to get your husband to speak to them and tell them that if they don't start showing some respect for you both as parents, that you will not be able to continue visiting. The reason I say this is that I think it's horrible that they grabbed her from your husbands arms, knowing that the baby was sick and so wouldn't have been in good form anyway. I'm sure as adults none of us would appreciate being passed around while feeling sick, regardless if it's grandparents or not.

However, I do think that you need to start realising you are partly at fault too. Why did you go visiting / allow them to visit when your baby was sick? Put your child first and start saying no to your inlaws. If baby is sick, you don't go visiting. Also, if you don't want visitors, tell them. And stop letting the whole issue of them staying late result in your baby staying up late. Continue your routine as normal, ie if bedtime is at 7pm and they are still there, pick the baby up and tell them she is going to bed. Stop letting them dictate your routine. Nobody visiting should dictate when your baby goes to sleep. Carry on as normal as if you had nobody visiting. You and your husband are the parents, you know what is best. So start standing up for yourself. Good luck.

AvonEnniskerry

Hi. I am the OP to this thread. And I wanted to keep you updated.

My daughter is now nearing her 2nd birthday and I couldn't tell you where the time has gone.
So in the end I chose to do what felt right. I am not saying it was necessarily the right thing for all involved but it definitely helped me with my baby. Slowly as my child got bigger these things started not to bother me as much as she became more and more capable. I would say honestly I still have a strained relationship with my in laws but I've accepted that that's just what it is.
My daughter is really happy, outgoing and very social. I do not feel my wanting to keep her close negatively affected her in any way. If anything it allowed her flourish. We have a great bond (despite not being able to breastfeed).
She absolutely adores her father and is just amazingly social around other children. Adults she takes a few minutes to warm up to but once she's been given that space there is no stopping her.
Thanks again for all your help and replies.

But if anyone else were to feel like this I would tell them yes it's normal. You grow out of it but do what feels right for you.

amdublin

Super!

Sounds like your average little 2 year old. Good job!

Why still the strained relationship with the inlaws?

AvonEnniskerry

amdublin wrote:

Why still the strained relationship with the inlaws?

Because quite simply there is no give on their side. They are never happy as all too often there is a smart comment to be made. 😪

I have come to the conclusion that we are simply different types of people. I am polite and never rude. But I have had enough. And I don't try to engage with them anymore other than what's necessary. We are amicable but it's basically in a life without my husband or child we would not have befriended.

amdublin

AvonEnniskerry wrote: »

Because quite simply there is no give on their side. They are never happy as all too often there is a smart comment to be made. 😪

I have come to the conclusion that we are simply different types of people. I am polite and never rude. But I have had enough. And I don't try to engage with them anymore other than what's necessary. We are amicable but it's basically in a life without my husband or child we would not have befriended.

Aww that's a pity. But at least as you said you are all amicable.