Is this feeling normal?

AvonEnniskerry

So I have a beautiful 4month old baby girl and she's everything to me. We have bonded well but my husband and myself were trying for 3years to conceive so understandably for the first 3months we (I) wanted to keep her to ourselves. Now that time scale is up I have a problem with people expecting to hold her. I suppose my problem arises from the fact that I would never expect the privilege of holding someone else's baby.
I have no problem though when I feel like I have an elimant of control. However people keep making me feel like I'm the one with the problem.
I do not believe I have post natal depression. I love my daughter to bits. I do not have issues with people holding her where I feel like they are not expecting to hold and kiss her. Why am I perceived as having a problem when a lot of the time I'm not even given the opportunity to explain myself. People don't seem to care what my feelings are towards her so long as they get what they want.

king_of_inismac

You are being a little over protective, that's all.

Its common (and nice) that people would appreciate your child and want to hold her.

In reality, you are transferring your issue onto them (I.e. your over protectiveness) and trying to convince yourself that its their issue. I'm not judging,we all have our little issues BTW! :-)

Don't worry- this feeling will pass so try not to get too stress and see the positive side that you have good people around you who care for you and your new child.

weetiepie

I can completely understand what you are saying. I too was the same, I told my district nurse about how I felt. She gave me a very valuable piece of advice. She told me not to let others hold my baby for at least the first 6 months because

My baby is growing rapidly, trying to increase his weight and all the passing to and fro can decrease that weight,as baby adjusts himself each time he is moved.

It unsettles baby being passed from stranger to stranger, they are brand new and they just want mummy and daddy at this stage, they are familiar with mummy and daddy's scents and its a huge comfort to them.

Is everyone who is holding the baby a non smoker? Washing their hands etc before holding the baby? Hygiene is a bigger here too!

So I would advise you to do what is best for you and your baby, forget everyone else, you and baby are the two most important people in this scenario.. There will be plenty of time for others in the future to hold baby. You need to be a happy mummy for your baby. So do not let others hold baby unless your 100% happy about it. If they are offended give them some of the reasons above. I hope this helps, best of luck

nicowa

A quick google will show you how common it is. Personally I don't mind people holding her and playing with her (either of my two at any stage). I didn't want to leave my first with my MIL for a long time - I didn't trust her, though I'm not sure i had good reason. And if they cried at any stage I wanted them back pronto. My older sister would insist on delaying the hand back and that would bug me.

I think, you've worked towards something for so long and now you have it (your baby) that you are a tad over protective. It's not wrong, it's not right. It's something you need to choose to accept and hopefully move past. Your family and friends love your baby too and, especially family, should be allowed to bond with her (sorry, I'm on mobile and can't easily check if I'm correct) generally speaking.

AvonEnniskerry

I would entirely agree with the fact that maybe I am being overprotective and that maybe I am passing on my issues. I understand that I can't keep her to myself forever. If someone puts the time and effort into understanding my feelings it makes me more secure with them as a person and therefore I do not mind them holding or bonding with my daughter as there's a foundation built and a trust formed.
I would love not to have these issues as it would make everything so much easier but I can't keep just pushing them aside just to make everyone else happy.

pwurple

weetiepie wrote: »

My baby is growing rapidly, trying to increase his weight and all the passing to and fro can decrease that weight,as baby adjusts himself each time he is moved.

Wha??? Sorry, but that can't be right. Moving a baby does not decrease their weight through calories burned while they wiggle themselves.

Unless they are seriously premature or something?

I'd assume someone was taking the piss with that one.

Moonbeam

It is up to you,but the baby might become very clingy and it might make life for baby harder when you go back to work etc.
Mine have all been passed around since day 1 and it has never led to any issues.

Roesy

Moonbeam wrote: »

It is up to you,but the baby might become very clingy and it might make life for baby harder when you go back to work etc.
Mine have all been passed around since day 1 and it has never led to any issues.

Mine is only 5 weeks but she's been passed around since day 1 too. She's our first and I was be afraid that she would be overly clingy when I went back to work. Plus she's the first grandchild on my husbands side so they are obsessed with her. I have to admit that I do find it hard to fight the urge to take her back immediately if she gets upset while someone else is holding her.

smcgiff

pwurple wrote: »

Wha??? Sorry, but that can't be right. Moving a baby does not decrease their weight through calories burned while they wiggle themselves.

Unless they are seriously premature or something?

I'd assume someone was taking the piss with that one.

It doesn't make sense and may add to the OP's anxiety. However, I presume the nurse was trying to give the OP advice as to how to avoid passing over the baby until she is ready.

xzanti

OP I had that feeling.. and I thought I was losing my marbles.

I had an emergency C Section and the In Laws kept wanting to come up and help care for him and I felt like I just wanted to cry at the thought of it.. I know that sounds horrible of me but, I had waited so long to meet him, it actually angered me that anyone wanted me to part with him.. and at the time myself and my FIL were not on good terms.. so that didn't help.

I had to just put my foot down.. I told them in very polite but certain terms that despite my not being 100% physically OK, I wanted to be left to bond with him.. I told them that Visiting is fine but I do not need help!!

I'm so glad now that I stood my ground.. You're in such a vulnerable state after having your baby, particularly on your first.. imho.

Don't feel bad about setting boundaries with people.. it's your baby and your precious time together.. Do what feels right for you.

nikpmup

I've read this thread with interest; I thought I was a hand em around kind of mother, but it's occurred to me that when visitors hold him, I hover over them ready to grab him back! Even when his dad has him, if he cries I hold my arms out to take him back - even after asking my OH to take him! I had an emergency section too, under GA; I definitely think it had a big impact on our bonding.

bp

I was a hand the baby to anyone mammy but would grab them back at the first sign of distress but I had to make myself stop as it was upsetting my other half that he couldn't calm the baby as I was there too fast. Now I play it by ear, sometimes a break from holding baby is brilliant :-)

You do what is best for you, but remember people love babies and love cuddles!

Penny Dreadful

bp wrote: »

I was a hand the baby to anyone mammy but would grab them back at the first sign of distress but I had to make myself stop as it was upsetting my other half that he couldn't calm the baby as I was there too fast. Now I play it by ear, sometimes a break from holding baby is brilliant :-)

You do what is best for you, but remember people love babies and love cuddles!

They sure do. My youngest niece is now 7 (:eek::eek: how did that happen) and thankfully she still loves hugs and kisses and cuddles.
It is the cutest nicest feeling to have a little one snuggle up to you.

share bear

I would agree that everybody has that feeling to different extents. I felt very clingy towards my lo at the start, even with my oh I would want to take him back after a certain amount of time.

we still haven't left him with a babysitter or a creche but I'm much more comfortable with people holding him. I think a big turning point for me was leaving him with his dad for long stretches of time and with family while we went to dinner. Its only being a few times but its taken away that feeling of " I have to be with him all the time"

I don't think that you should have to let a complete stranger hold your baby just cause they want to though. I wouldn't lose any sleep over letting them know its not a good time or that your not comfortable with it.

Penny Dreadful

pwurple wrote: »

Wha??? Sorry, but that can't be right. Moving a baby does not decrease their weight through calories burned while they wiggle themselves.

Unless they are seriously premature or something?

I'd assume someone was taking the piss with that one.

I had heard (and this does make more sense to me) that passing a baby (especially a very new baby) around from one to another and having handled and rubbed and picked up so much can prove irritating and eventually very uncomfortable for them. When you think of it the poor old baby has been through a lot being born ( as has their mother), its quite the wake up call for them, and their skin is very tender and sensitive so being picked up a lot could be too much.
The weight loss thing I never heard in all my life. A new mother not wanting anyone and everyone to be next or near her baby and a feeling of "I made her/him, they're mine" I can get too.
I would agree with other posters OP, letting the baby get used to being around and soothed if necessary by other people could be a blessing in the long run. A very clingy baby, no matter how much you love them, can become quite the tie in the end.

wolfpawnat

I don't like too many people handling her. Her dad I don't even bat an eyelid, but most other people I don't want, though I found myself handing her to my best friend over the weekend. So I take that as progress.

2xj3hplqgsbkym

From what others have said, some people think that this is normal and very common.
Personally I never felt like this eth my two babies.
Obviously I wouldn't give him/her to a stanger to hold, how would this even come about?

However, I loved letting my families and friends hold my babies, letting them experience the lovely snuggly new born feeling, and letting them feel happy and warm and close to my new baby.

I don't believe any of that about letting people hold your baby decreases their weight, not unless they are being passed down a line of 2000 people.

OP, personally I think you sound completely obsessive, especially since the baby is 3 months old, if I were you I would s
eek counselling to talk through your issues.

Sligo1

Moonbeam wrote: »

It is up to you,but the baby might become very clingy and it might make life for baby harder when you go back to work etc.
Mine have all been passed around since day 1 and it has never led to any issues.

Agree with this 100%. OP I can't comment on whether your feelings are common/uncommon, normal/abnormal. Not many people would go handing their babies to strangers willy nilly. But family and good friends are different. Of course it is a mothers primary instinct to protect her young so they don't come to any harm etc. but it is up to you to decide to what extent your actions are normal/abnormal. It is a very subjective matter and everybody is different In this respect.

In my honest opinion it's very important to get baby used to different people for socialisation aspects. You could be making a rod for your own back for the future when you find your baby will not go to anyone but you and you are unable to catch a break or go anywhere with your OH.

Your baby is 3 months now. Yes still young but in no means a new born and should probably be getting used to those closest to you.

liliq

It's normal.
Your natural instinct is to keep your baby close and to protect her, when you see new mums holding their babies you often see them 'veiling' the baby with their hands, it's an innate reaction to shield your baby from the outside world.
4 months is still so new and little, and you are still your babies primary need.
I rarely left my baby out of my arms, day or night, for 6 months, until I went back to work part time, and he definitely is NOT clingy now!
There are plenty of theories that keeping them close to you/ dad if he's around, primarily, creates a stronger foundation and sense of security than being passed from person to person.
OP, your baby is precisely that, YOUR baby. If you don't feel comfortable playing pass the parcel, don't do it. Soon enough your baby will be an independent little toddler, enjoy every second of closeness and cuddles.

How Strange

Being protective of your baby is very normal but I'd tend to agree with posters who say perhaps you're being over protective.

First of all, I really believe babies are unsettled by too much handling and I never really liked mine being passed around like a parcel for everyone to hold. My son, being my first and the one who was fussed over most, used to be cranky if he was held by too many people. However I never had a problem with individual people holding either of them.

I think at 4 months your baby is getting bigger and more active so she may like interacting with people and if you're still wanting to keep her to yourself then you're overprotective.

Hannibal Smith

I had one rule. ..you can hold him...but if he cries give him straight back. The types who believe they are mother earth and who want to show off how great they are with babies by trying to sooth a crying one...my crying one...is a slap in the face to the new mother. Unless of course she's asking for help or a break...but if she's asking for her baby back...dont let her have to ask twice.

Drdoc

Hi op
I have this problem to some extent but it only occurs with my mil. I thought it would pass but he's 8 months now and still there, though it has lessened.
It makes no sense as I get on very well with my mil and she has been nothing but kind and generous to me always.
I think the root of it might be that she dotes on her boys and I feel like when she dotes on my boy she's trying to make him her boy. Completely irrational probably.
So I think in some ways the feelings are normal, but like others have said its something to watch. I just bury my irrational feelings when she has him as I know it's good for him to build a bond with his granny.
BUT I do agree passing baby around like a parcel is not good and would never ask to hold someone's baby but only take them if they're offered to me

Newstarter1

I can't stand when newborns are handed around like parcels, and I would NEVER assume to ask for a hold, I always wait to be asked. That rule of thumb applies to babies of all ages. Don't even get me started on people kissing newborns :eek:
I always felt stressed when people seemed to be hinting at a hold but I ignored the hints when I didn't feel comfortable, and bit by bit as I got to know DS1 better and my confidence and he grew, I became a bit more relaxed.

Your baby - your rules

AvonEnniskerry

Rene Yummy People wrote: »

OP, personally I think you sound completely obsessive, especially since the baby is 3 months old, if I were you I would s
eek counselling to talk through your issues.

To be honest I disagree. If anything this thread will show how normal this behaviour is and I personally think it's shallow minded ppl like you that are the cause of these insecurities.
My baby gets held by those I trust, family, friends,etc. I am not completely segregating her as I do not wish her to be totally reliant on us.
However I too have a problem with my in laws who seem to totally disregard my feelings. I've been with my husband approximately 8years and they've never really put in the groundwork and now they have all these expectations. For example they made it clear the 3month rule did not apply to them. I get that they're doting grandparents but when they are around I feel a huge lack of control. My baby is taken off me and only returned to me or my husband if and when they cannot console her. As a result It makes me want to visit less, then as they see her less they are getting worse. It's a catch 22 but I don't really feel like I can discuss my fears with them without being judged. I think if we could all sit down and talk it would really help but it doesn't appear to be an option as they don't appear to care what our feelings are so long as their needs are satisfied...

How Strange

I totally agree with Hannibal Smith. Nothing annoys me more than people continuing to hold my baby if she's crying and getting distressed. If I was holding someone's baby and it started to get upset if immediately give it back to its mother.

Op my mother in law was a bit (a lot!) obsessed with my son. She'd wanted a grandchild for years and when he was born it was like she wanted to be his mother. That was very stressful at times. On a few occasions she refused to hand him back when he was very distressed and the other people around had to tell her to give him back to me.

However she hardly notices our daughter so we didn't have the same problems of holding her too long etc.

Btw I don't think you're compulsive obsessive or that you need counselling. The over protectiveness will lessen in time as your baby gets bigger and more mobile.

AvonEnniskerry

How strange, thank you for your comment. My in laws already have a grand child but they have full access to him as the mother is their daughter (who still lives at home) so I think the same was expected of us even though we live more than an hour away. I would just appreciate the courtesy of feeling respected. It's great that our daughter has grandparents that love and dote over her... Their living room looks almost like a shrine to their grand children, the mother in law is constantly buying her things. Again not sure how I feel about this and she really wants to mother her grand children (definitely not keen on this). But all I really want to say to them is listen to us and respect our wishes and things will progress from there.

vitani

AvonEnniskerry wrote: »

To be honest I disagree. If anything this thread will show how normal this behaviour is and I personally think it's shallow minded ppl like you that are the cause of these insecurities.
My baby gets held by those I trust, family, friends,etc. I am not completely segregating her as I do not wish her to be totally reliant on us.
However I too have a problem with my in laws who seem to totally disregard my feelings. I've been with my husband approximately 8years and they've never really put in the groundwork and now they have all these expectations. For example they made it clear the 3month rule did not apply to them. I get that they're doting grandparents but when they are around I feel a huge lack of control. My baby is taken off me and only returned to me or my husband if and when they cannot console her. As a result It makes me want to visit less, then as they see her less they are getting worse. It's a catch 22 but I don't really feel like I can discuss my fears with them without being judged. I think if we could all sit down and talk it would really help but it doesn't appear to be an option as they don't appear to care what our feelings are so long as their needs are satisfied...

That's an important point though. They do have 'needs' as well as you. They have a grandchild who they love and want to know, and they don't understand why you don't let them. Please don't underestimate how strong a grandparent's feelings can be for a grandchild - the birth of my daughter is one of the only times I've ever seen my own mother cry.

You need to sit them down and talk to them, or else have your husband do it. Because at the moment, it sounds like they're getting desperate to hold and cuddle your child because as time goes on, you're allowing them less and less access.

xzanti

How Strange wrote: »

Op my mother in law was a bit (a lot!) obsessed with my son. She'd wanted a grandchild for years and when he was born it was like she wanted to be his mother. That was very stressful at times. On a few occasions she refused to hand him back when he was very distressed and the other people around had to tell her to give him back to me.

Oh.God.

Nightmare!

wallycharlo

AvonEnniskerry wrote: »

...My baby gets held by those I trust, family, friends,etc....

...have a problem with my in laws who seem to totally disregard my feelings...

OP, what exactly is the difference between how those who you trust behave with your child, compared to your in-laws? It's not really clear to me what exactly your issue is with them? i.e. you write that they pass her back when they cannot console her, so shes not being forcefully distressed, etc?

Digs

I can identify with how you're feeling op. My sister in law is a difficult person to get along with and our relationship is fairly fractured. My husband finds it difficult to get on with her too because of issues from the past which I don't need to go into. It's all very brushed under the carpet though and we pretend like we get on great!

She lives very close to us but I would say I saw her about 3 times through My pregnancy. Literally from the day my daughter was born she has been suffocating us. She visited in hospital but then got upset when my husband asked her to give us a few days space once we got home as she wanted to visit immediately. I went from rarely seeing this woman to her expecting me to be happy to see her whenever she felt like it.

When she did come over she started this thing of avoiding eye contact with me and while looking at my daughter saying "are you coming" while holding her arms open. Basically her way of "asking" for her. Also she used to say again while looking at my daughter "when am I going to have you to myself?", myself and my husband found this pretty disrespectful! While I 100% want my daughter to have a relationship with her Aunty and I am sure she will, because I am uncomfortable around her it is only natural I instantly feel protective of my daughter around her. I can't just all of a sudden put my own feelings aside and give over the most precious thing in the world to me to someone I don't trust 100%. I don't see anything wrong with this, I wouldn't be doing my job as her mum otherwise.

I think I am right in saying op that naturally you also want your child to have a relationship with her Grandparents however if the nature of their interraction with her was a bit more respectful of your feelings as her mother and less of theres you would be more open to handing her over.

I did sit down with my sis in law and explain a few things and it definitely helped. We were getting tired of the snippy comments about how much my family get to see our daughter when in fact comparing our relationship to her and then to my family are worlds apart.

It's a difficult thing for someone who has no issues with their in laws to understand. You certainly don't need counselling imo!

AvonEnniskerry

wallycharlo wrote: »

OP, what exactly is the difference between how those who you trust behave with your child, compared to your in-laws? It's not really clear to me what exactly your issue is with them? i.e. you write that they pass her back when they cannot console her, so shes not being forcefully distressed, etc?

As said, when they cannot console her. They don't hand her back immediately, only after she's gotten hysterical. I have had to step in in the past and take her back before this happens. Then for example this weekend we went up to see them. The child wasn't very well but we felt under pressure to go up before Christmas so we did. Regardless of the explanation on arrival, she was taken off us again.My problem is with there attitude towards the child. They never take into account mine or the child's feelings.
As said before hand all they need to do is instead of taking her off me, allow me the time to hand her over on my own accord. I will do it. Sure we visit so that they can see her. But there's a lot to be said for basic manners. It will in turn make me feel more comfortable around them

Digs you are spot on. It is all about my in laws approach. And I would love to just clear the air and sit down and talk about it. But this isn't an option as they will immediately get defensive and take offence. I have tried to explain myself before and this was met with smart remarks like: sure you can't raise a child like that...