Grindr and a relationship- am i wrong here

jabarrett35

greeneyes2013 wrote: »

My guy literally didnt give feck. He literally just ignored me all fri nite . I found him on it at 11 pm. I didnt sleep all nite with anger he ignored my txts and calls all nite. He was still on /off all nite til 5am getting his hole as he wud say on grindr. . He literally just didnt give feck. Cudnt care less to rub it in my face.

Banning myself from grindr at mo. Id block that guy myself otherwise u cud b tempted if he sweettalks u at some stage

I was going to but just can't believe he doesn't know it's me! When another chap who I had ignored blocked me. Then again because he blocked me he may not have worked out it's me yet. He's not very ITC literate. I'm not even sure why he blocked me in the first place. Though my friend said it was just another way of winding me up.

jabarrett35

greeneyes2013 wrote: »

Yeah too true.. but I think its just time isnt it. Its hard to expect the anger and hurt to just disappear. I am tryin my best to just let it go. But its gonna take time. I know my guy is claiming benefits and stuff and working away so I get flashes of anger every now and then and think ill report him to hurt him like he hurt me but I am def not doin that. It wont make me feel any better and even tho I think the guy is a lowlife I know he is steeped in debt and at least is tryin to sort it. So I keep telling myself I would be just as low to do that. But the anger isnt gone yet. In time hopefully.


Your friend is right . Regret is pointless and dwelling on it all is stupid too. Hope in month or two im at stage where dont care anymore. Its too fresh yet tho

I def won't do anything like reporting him, you'll regret it. Rise above it all. My guy always referred to how other ppl felt about my outburst which wasn't true but they weren't there to say anything. I was mental unstable according to this other chap from the night of iPhone throwing incident. I think he thought we were both a bit unhinged! Lol

greeneyes2013

jabarrett35 wrote: »

I was going to but just can't believe he doesn't know it's me! When another chap who I had ignored blocked me. Then again because he blocked me he may not have worked out it's me yet. He's not very ITC literate. I'm not even sure why he blocked me in the first place. Though my friend said it was just another way of winding me up.

Oh the blocking is def a power trip thing to wind u up. I think when u wipe grindr and download again its whole new account so he wont know it is u unless ur pics give it away .

Do steer clear tho . I cant b on grindr now no interest in meeting any guy now yet. And if I was on it it wud just rile my blood seeing him on it !

jabarrett35

greeneyes2013 wrote: »

Oh the blocking is def a power trip thing to wind u up. I think when u wipe grindr and download again its whole new account so he wont know it is u unless ur pics give it away .

Do steer clear tho . I cant b on grindr now no interest in meeting any guy now yet. And if I was on it it wud just rile my blood seeing him on it !

Yes that's why I can't believe he doesn't know it's me. Our profiles are right next to each other when he's at the parents which he is every evening and I've not lied about my stats! Lol. That's why my friend doesn't think I've heard the last of him( she wishes I had). The longer he keeps away the better because it'll be more likely that I'll have moved on.
Yes I know it was a wind up because he made sure I was online when he did it.

greeneyes2013

jabarrett35 wrote: »

I def won't do anything like reporting him, you'll regret it. Rise above it all. My guy always referred to how other ppl felt about my outburst which wasn't true but they weren't there to say anything. I was mental unstable according to this other chap from the night of iPhone throwing incident. I think he thought we were both a bit unhinged! Lol

Never wouldnt let myself do it . It would b low of me. I know how bad his money probs are. It would be kicking him when he is down and pure vindictive. I dont know waves of anger keep coming over me. I prob sound as mad as box of frogs but time passing will b only thing to fix this.


Oh that is the one thing I hate my guy for. The total indifference to being caught and just calling me mad for calling him everything under the sun. .. that is just like the blocking tho. Pure power trip. Of course u are gonna react if u angry. That doesnt make either of us mad. But saying ur piece and knowing when to stop and keep ur dignity is the key. I know my guy didnt think id land on his door sat morn and I did feel great tearing off in d car after getting stuff back. It felt like I was taking bit of d power back and wasnt being ignored anymore. It was childish but felt good at time!

greeneyes2013

jabarrett35 wrote: »

Yes that's why I can't believe he doesn't know it's me. Our profiles are right next to each other when he's at the parents which he is every evening and I've not lied about my stats! Lol. That's why my friend doesn't think I've heard the last of him( she wishes I had). The longer he keeps away the better because it'll be more likely that I'll have moved on.
Yes I know it was a wind up because he made sure I was online when he did it.

Oh he def knows it is u so.

Its totally ur biz and I dont know ins and outs of ur situation. .. but u sound like u mite entertain him if he comes calling.

Ur friend is dead rite . B careful. Dont forget the hurt u have been made to feel now. Christmas is coming and is funny time... some people cant stand to b single at the time. Dont let him pick u up and use u for it and drop u again.


I will never hear from my guy . And im glad . I have deleted all numbers and stuff. So I will never b able to contact him .

jabarrett35

greeneyes2013 wrote: »

Never wouldnt let myself do it . It would b low of me. I know how bad his money probs are. It would be kicking him when he is down and pure vindictive. I dont know waves of anger keep coming over me. I prob sound as mad as box of frogs but time passing will b only thing to fix this.


Oh that is the one thing I hate my guy for. The total indifference to being caught and just calling me mad for calling him everything under the sun. .. that is just like the blocking tho. Pure power trip. Of course u are gonna react if u angry. That doesnt make either of us mad. But saying ur piece and knowing when to stop and keep ur dignity is the key. I know my guy didnt think id land on his door sat morn and I did feel great tearing off in d car after getting stuff back. It felt like I was taking bit of d power back and wasnt being ignored anymore. It was childish but felt good at time!

Well that what annoys me about my situation he's had all the control. He decided to take a break he told me to delete his number and he blocked me on Grindr. Oh I threatened to but I always returned within hours. So he'll know how annoyed I am at not getting my say. Because on the night of the row he just said he was going to bed when we were arguing via iMessage so I was just left frustrated. I still am. Yes I reacted to how he treat me. I've not behaved like that since I was a 15 year old teenager!

jabarrett35

greeneyes2013 wrote: »

Oh he def knows it is u so.

Its totally ur biz and I dont know ins and outs of ur situation. .. but u sound like u mite entertain him if he comes calling.

Ur friend is dead rite . B careful. Dont forget the hurt u have been made to feel now. Christmas is coming and is funny time... some people cant stand to b single at the time. Dont let him pick u up and use u for it and drop u again.


I will never hear from my guy . And im glad . I have deleted all numbers and stuff. So I will never b able to contact him .

Oh you're quite right I'd have him back in a New York minute. My head tells me I shouldn't but my heart is wining the war at the present. Yes I know he'd use me. I'm hoping he's found some new Grindr buddies to entertain him.

greeneyes2013

jabarrett35 wrote: »

Well that what annoys me about my situation he's had all the control. He decided to take a break he told me to delete his number and he blocked me on Grindr. Oh I threatened to but I always returned within hours. So he'll know how annoyed I am at not getting my say. Because on the night of the row he just said he was going to bed when we were arguing via iMessage so I was just left frustrated. I still am. Yes I reacted to how he treat me. I've not behaved like that since I was a 15 year old teenager!

Being ignored and not let have ur say is just controlling. My guy used to joke dat he was d boss in our relationship because he top. I dont think he was jokin now.. he liked to b the one in control of everything...
Another sign to walk away.. if u cant even b heard and let have ur say ... u are not being treated rite

greeneyes2013

jabarrett35 wrote: »

Oh you're quite right I'd have him back in a New York minute. My head tells me I shouldn't but my heart is wining the war at the present. Yes I know he'd use me. I'm hoping he's found some new Grindr buddies to entertain him.

Oh seriously dont not for a minute let him use u again. If that was behaviour before.. nothing will change and u will b used on his terms again. Dont do it. U deserve better. U can have better. U know ur feelings arent reciprocated so he will easily drop u anytime he likes and as bad as the hurt is now for u.. u can double and treble it if u invest any more time or feelings for him

jabarrett35

greeneyes2013 wrote: »

Oh seriously dont not for a minute let him use u again. If that was behaviour before.. nothing will change and u will b used on his terms again. Dont do it. U deserve better. U can have better. U know ur feelings arent reciprocated so he will easily drop u anytime he likes and as bad as the hurt is now for u.. u can double and treble it if u invest any more time or feelings for him

Oh lord I know you are right. If you saw some of the things he said about me! My friend couldn't believe it. She wanted to call him to ask him what he was playing at.

I was think in the future don't give them sex right away. Especially if you like them. If they really like you they'll wait. That has worked for me in the past. If that's all you want go head. But in those cases I knew it was just about sex and little else.

greeneyes2013

jabarrett35 wrote: »

Oh lord I know you are right. If you saw some of the things he said about me! My friend couldn't believe it. She wanted to call him to ask him what he was playing at.

I was think in the future don't give them sex right away. Especially if you like them. If they really like you they'll wait. That has worked for me in the past. If that's all you want go head. But in those cases I knew it was just about sex and little else.

Just remember u dont have to settle for him and how he treats u. I know im gonna b alone for a long time to come . I honestly think ill b happier this way. It will be the right guy next time and yeah u are rite jumping straight into sex is a bad omen. The longer u get to know someone the better the judgement u will make if they worth it. Its just like d txting and calling.. things shouldnt b uneven and one sided and offering up sex when it suits is a recipe for disaster. I think when it feels rite with a person u truly are getting to know then ull just know.


If ur guy was badmouthing u too then thats another sign to steer clear in the future. Theres stuff to forgive and forget but taking ur name and character shouldnt b forgotten

greeneyes2013

jabarrett35 wrote: »

Oh lord I know you are right. If you saw some of the things he said about me! My friend couldn't believe it. She wanted to call him to ask him what he was playing at.

I was think in the future don't give them sex right away. Especially if you like them. If they really like you they'll wait. That has worked for me in the past. If that's all you want go head. But in those cases I knew it was just about sex and little else.

Just remember u dont have to settle for him and how he treats u. I know im gonna b alone for a long time to come . I honestly think ill b happier this way. It will be the right guy next time and yeah u are rite jumping straight into sex is a bad omen. The longer u get to know someone the better the judgement u will make if they worth it. Its just like d txting and calling.. things shouldnt b uneven and one sided and offering up sex when it suits is a recipe for disaster. I think when it feels rite with a person u truly are getting to know then ull just know.


If ur guy was badmouthing u too then thats another sign to steer clear in the future. Theres stuff to forgive and forget but taking ur name and character shouldnt b forgotten

jabarrett35

greeneyes2013 wrote: »

Just remember u dont have to settle for him and how he treats u. I know im gonna b alone for a long time to come . I honestly think ill b happier this way. It will be the right guy next time and yeah u are rite jumping straight into sex is a bad omen. The longer u get to know someone the better the judgement u will make if they worth it. Its just like d txting and calling.. things shouldnt b uneven and one sided and offering up sex when it suits is a recipe for disaster. I think when it feels rite with a person u truly are getting to know then ull just know.


If ur guy was badmouthing u too then thats another sign to steer clear in the future. Theres stuff to forgive and forget but taking ur name and character shouldnt b forgotten

To be fair I've told all my friends about it. I've not been very discrete at all. God his ears must be burnt to a crisp by now! Lol My best friend warned me not too. She said lest is best. Because he'd be furious to know I'd been talking about him to other ppl.

greeneyes2013

jabarrett35 wrote: »

To be fair I've told all my friends about it. I've not been very discrete at all. God his ears must be burnt to a crisp by now! Lol My best friend warned me not too. She said lest is best. Because he'd be furious to know I'd been talking about him to other ppl.

I literally cant tell anyone.. no one knows I have been seeing him! The joys of being in the closet. Lol looking back ... 4 pages of spilling my guts here has been my own therapy.


Its hard to bottle up all this anger and stuff and carry on like nothing has happened at all. Thanks for listening here and sharing ur experiences.


Ur friends are rock solid right . I wouldnt waste much more breath on him and defo no point slating him to people that know him. Its a small world and it gets v uncomfortable if lots of people know ur dirty laundry and too much bout ur private life. Nothing to b gained . Id stick to ur close friends to talk bout him to b honest

jabarrett35

greeneyes2013 wrote: »

I literally cant tell anyone.. no one knows I have been seeing him! The joys of being in the closet. Lol looking back ... 4 pages of spilling my guts here has been my own therapy.


Its hard to bottle up all this anger and stuff and carry on like nothing has happened at all. Thanks for listening here and sharing ur experiences.


Ur friends are rock solid right . I wouldnt waste much more breath on him and defo no point slating him to people that know him. Its a small world and it gets v uncomfortable if lots of people know ur dirty laundry and too much bout ur private life. Nothing to b gained . Id stick to ur close friends to talk bout him to b honest

Yes you are right. But they don't know him too speak to. But I'm sure they tell others so I take your point. It's a waste of my breath really. If I felt better I wouldn't mind but I don't general.
Don't lock yourself away for too long though. Take a bit of time then dust yourself off and hopefully you'll meet someone who likes you as much as you do them. You've had this experience so you'll know what to look out for. But don't make snap decisions about them because of this experience.

greeneyes2013

jabarrett35 wrote: »

Yes you are right. But they don't know him too speak to. But I'm sure they tell others so I take your point. It's a waste of my breath really. If I felt better I wouldn't mind but I don't general.
Don't lock yourself away for too long though. Take a bit of time then dust yourself off and hopefully you'll meet someone who likes you as much as you do them. You've had this experience so you'll know what to look out for. But don't make snap decisions about them because of this experience.

Thanks mate. I know what u mean. I just need to let it sink in while. Maybe in the new year when I have soaked this in and fully drawn a line under it. Still need to let this anger work through. Cant seem to shake it yet.



All the best mate. Hope u meet a decent bloke too soon. The best way to see it is learning exprience... before we knew what we wanted and now we know what we want and what we dont and how to spot the difference.

floggg

Lads, don't mean this in a bad way, but I think you both need to have a sit down and think about how you've gotten yourselves to this point.

I think you've both identified control is a key issue.

Greeneyes, I think perhaps you are holding on to the hurt and anger as it's maybe the first thing you have been able to control yourself and on your own terms.

But it's not really going to do you much good to do so. I certainly wouldn't recommend jumping into a new relationship but I also wouldn't say close yourself of for the next few months. I think you just need to accept that sometimes we all make mistakes in relationships, embrace the experience for what it might allow you to learn about yourself and your own boundaries and comfort level and be more determined to not allow yourself to be messed around with again. Learn to take control and responsibility for yourself, and don't allow yourself to settle just for the sake of having a relationship.

I think that as you seem to admit yourself you settled for less just because of your circumstances, walking yourself away for a few months might make you more likely to repeat the cycle in a few months when you get lonely.

I think you need to get over the guilt/Shame cycle thing as well with grindr hook-ups.

I think maybe as long as your only sexual outlet is just a discrete and clandestine hook-up you're going to feel a bit of shame about it. I think you need to learn to have other outlets and be a bit more open and normalise it a bit. That doesn't mean you have to come out (though I'm sure lots of people being open and honest with others makes it easier to get over any feelings of shame) but even if you could try and meet guys for some discrete dates somewhere - if even just a quiet drink somewhere. It will normalise the process of meeting guys and means you are less likely to make do with the first semi viable option.

I think if you can maybe be a bit more empowered with regard to dating and your sexuality you might be a bit more empowered in other areas of your life. Including relationships.

Jabarrett - you need to really ask yourself why would you even consider going back to somebody who clearly didn't make you happy?

Seriously, can you tell us why exactly you feel you would go back to him? What was it about that relationship is it you miss?

Is it something about him, and if so what? And why do you think you can't find it else where?

And if it's just the idea of a relationship itself, then I think you need to learn that a relationship isn't going to be any sort of magic billet to make your life better. And as long as you just want a relationship for a relationships sake then you need to know there's a good chance you have a string of unhappy relationships ahead of you.

Why do that to yourself?

jabarrett35

Flogg I agree with you whole heartily in normal circumstances I wouldn't think twice about going back I wouldn't have got involved in the first place. However I was vulnerable at the time and it was a distraction. I think it's been taken out of my hands I wasn't as much fun as he wanted. I became too much of a hassle so
I was no longer wanted. But hey I can move on now. It's an experience I shan't be repeating! Even he said our relationship was unhealthy!

floggg

jabarrett35 wrote: »

Flogg I agree with you whole heartily in normal circumstances I wouldn't think twice about going back I wouldn't have got involved in the first place. However I was vulnerable at the time and it was a distraction. I think it's been taken out of my hands I wasn't as much fun as he wanted. I became too much of a hassle so
I was no longer wanted. But hey I can move on now. It's an experience I shan't be repeating! Even he said our relationship was unhealthy!

Is that your problem right there?

You talk about not being fun enough or not wanted.

He dumped you and maybe made you feel like you weren't enough or good enough for him, so now despite the fact he clearly made you unhappy, you want him back because you want the validation of being enough for him and being wanted again.

As long as you keep seeking his approval or validation, whether within or outside a relationship you are never going to feel good enough yourself.

Seriously, why would you crave the approval of somebody who would make you feel like that? If he can't make you happy, then he's not good enough for you.

You need to delete his numbers, block him on grindr and go off and take up something new and go prove that you are just fine and dandy as you are. Don't worry about being good enough for anybody else, and wait until you find somebody good enough for you.

God, I feel like Dr Phil right now!

jabarrett35

floggg wrote: »

Is that your problem right there?

You talk about not being fun enough or not wanted.

He dumped you and maybe made you feel like you weren't enough or good enough for him, so now despite the fact he clearly made you unhappy, you want him back because you want the validation of being enough for him and being wanted again.

As long as you keep seeking his approval or validation, whether within or outside a relationship you are never going to feel good enough yourself.

Seriously, why would you crave the approval of somebody who would make you feel like that? If he can't make you happy, then he's not good enough for you.

You need to delete his numbers, block him on grindr and go off and take up something new and go prove that you are just fine and dandy as you are. Don't worry about being good enough for anybody else, and wait until you find somebody good enough for you.

God, I feel like Dr Phil right now!

Yes I know you are right my best friend had told me that from about two weeks into me meeting him. That he was bad news and was all about control. Knowing me I'll move on in a week or something else will draw my attention away. I don't feel the need to contact him actually. But you are also right about validation. He was an absolute **** to me at the end of the day,if you knew only the half of it! You be WTF! My friends main worry is that he'll be back at some point and that the whole merry go round will start again.

floggg

jabarrett35 wrote: »

Yes I know you are right my best friend had told me that from about two weeks into me meeting him. That he was bad news and was all about control. Knowing me I'll move on in a week or something else will draw my attention away. I don't feel the need to contact him actually. But you are also right about validation. He was an absolute **** to me at the end of the day,if you knew only the half of it! You be WTF! My friends main worry is that he'll be back at some point and that the whole merry go round will start again.

You may well move on in a week or two but unless you figure out how to stop yourself getting into this type of relationship you'll end up in a similar one soon enough.

jabarrett35

floggg wrote: »

You may well move on in a week or two but unless you figure out how to stop yourself getting into this type of relationship you'll end up in a similar one soon enough.

The thing is I've never been in that kind of relationship like that for years. I was in a long term relationship when I lived in London. May be that's part of the problem I'm insecure about myself having not been out there for so long.

greeneyes2013

floggg wrote: »

Lads, don't mean this in a bad way, but I think you both need to have a sit down and think about how you've gotten yourselves to this point.

I think you've both iden7tified control is a key issue.

Greeneyes, I think perhaps you are holding on to the hurt and anger as it's maybe the first thing you have been able to control yourself and on your own terms.

But it's not really going to do you much good to do so. I certainly wouldn't recommend jumping into a new relationship but I also wouldn't say close yourself of for the next few months. I think you just need to accept that sometimes we all make mistakes in relationships, embrace the experience for what it might allow you to learn about yourself and your own boundaries and comfort level and be more determined to not allow yourself to be messed around with again. Learn to take control and responsibility for yourself, and don't allow yourself to settle just for the sake of having a relationship.

I think that as you seem to admit yourself you settled for less just because of your circumstances, walking yourself away for a few months might make you more likely to repeat the cycle in a few months when you get lonely.

I think you need to get over the guilt/Shame cycle thing as well with grindr hook-ups.

I think maybe as long as your only sexual outlet is just a discrete and clandestine hook-up you're going to feel a bit of shame about it. I think you need to learn to have other outlets and be a bit more open and normalise it a bit. That doesn't mean you have to come out (though I'm sure lots of people being open and honest with others makes it easier to get over any feelings of shame) but even if you could try and meet guys for some discrete dates somewhere - if even just a quiet drink somewhere. It will normalise the process of meeting guys and means you are less likely to make do with the first semi viable option.

I think if you can maybe be a bit more empowered with regard to dating and your sexuality you might be a bit more empowered in other areas of your life. Including relationships.

Jabarrett - you need to really ask yourself why would you even consider going back to somebody who clearly didn't make you happy?

Seriously, can you tell us why exactly you feel you would go back to him? What was it about that relationship is it you miss?

Is it something about him, and if so what? And why do you think you can't find it else where?

And if it's just the idea of a relationship itself, then I think you need to learn that a relationship isn't going to be any sort of magic billet to make your life better. And as long as you just want a relationship for a relationships sake then you need to know there's a good chance you have a string of unhappy relationships ahead of you.

Why do that to yourself?

Thanks man all v sound advice and im genuinely grateful for ur viewpoint .


I know the lessons I have to take from it now .I just need time to let the dust settle bit. I def am in no way ready to move into anything new yet but i know if I sit on my hands stewing too long ill b bitter and closed off to new experiences/guys.



I literally am still livid with anger.I cant help it. I want it to go . But it is too fresh for me to b over yet.


U are spot on about meeting guys in normal ways going for drinks and stuff. When its all so hidden and sneaking around just for sex it will b history repeating itself



Part of me knows I played with fire.. grindr was never gonna bring me somethin real especially when I was actively looking for nsa from the start. I changed the goal posts when I met him. I swallowed the sweet talk. All these are my fault.


Yeah some time to reflect and let the anger disapate and thdn move on

floggg

greeneyes2013 wrote: »

Thanks man all v sound advice and im genuinely grateful for ur viewpoint .


I know the lessons I have to take from it now .I just need time to let the dust settle bit. I def am in no way ready to move into anything new yet but i know if I sit on my hands stewing too long ill b bitter and closed off to new experiences/guys.



I literally am still livid with anger.I cant help it. I want it to go . But it is too fresh for me to b over yet.


U are spot on about meeting guys in normal ways going for drinks and stuff. When its all so hidden and sneaking around just for sex it will b history repeating itself



Part of me knows I played with fire.. grindr was never gonna bring me somethin real especially when I was actively looking for nsa from the start. I changed the goal posts when I met him. I swallowed the sweet talk. All these are my fault.


Yeah some time to reflect and let the anger disapate and thdn move on

Well I met my boyfriend on grindr.

I met him for a drink first though, not for sex.

I'm not saying we followed any Cosmo rules but you need to at least see what you think of each other with clothes on before you worry about taking anything off.

So I wouldn't necessarily say give up on grindr, particularly as it's on of your few outlets, but if you want something more than sex then meet for a pint first.

At the very least, doing it that way will weed out a lot of guys who only want a **** buddy.

greeneyes2013

floggg wrote: »

Well I met my boyfriend on grindr.

I met him for a drink first though, not for sex.

I'm not saying we followed any Cosmo rules but you need to at least see what you think of each other with clothes on before you worry about taking anything off.

So I wouldn't necessarily say give up on grindr, particularly as it's on of your few outlets, but if you want something more than sex then meet for a pint first.

At the very least, doing it that way will weed out a lot of guys who only want a **** buddy.

Ah I suppose its silly too to write off grindr. Yeah I can see totally what u mean. D red flag is when u can only meet at nite and its all sex sex sex. To get to know someone properly u have to spend real time together doin normal stuff..

Good to hear u met a normal decent guy on grindr. Gives me hope.


Thanks again for d advice

jabarrett35

I took the plunge and blocked my guy on Grindr! I was a bit childish though I made sure he was online and his profile was next to mine! Lol

LegacyUser

jabarrett35 wrote: »

I took the plunge and blocked my guy on Grindr! I was a bit childish though I made sure he was online and his profile was next to mine! Lol

Fair play, you are far better safe than sorry, temptation to take him back gone now, onwards and upwards

jabarrett35

Just got a texted asking me why I blocked him! I've not replied!

greeneyes2013

jabarrett35 wrote: »

Just got a texted asking me why I blocked him! I've not replied!

Oh doesnt that just show he likes to have power and control over other people and cant hack when the tables turned.


You have done the right thing. Stand ur ground and move on . He will inevitably want to toy with u more now that u ignoring u. Dont reply. It will show u are vulnerable still and ripe for more off his nonsense