Grindr and a relationship- am i wrong here

greeneyes2013

So I met a guy few months back on grindr- im ashamed to say i have a cycle i complete every few months- download grindr , meet a guy for nsa (and it is clear between both of us that is what is happening) , then i come home and feel disgusting for doing stuff with a total stranger (always safe of course but i just feel awful after every time, it never feels right and i regret it instantly), then delete the app and go three - four months before i do it again.

Anyways, me and this guy i met in September was meant to be one off but when we met , i liked him and he seemed to like me so we decided to keep meeting up and pursue a regular thing . we are both not out and live in rural areas of the midlands so we both were lonely and looking for something i guess. We hadnt talked of a relationship by this stage, it was more just friends with benefits thing.

About 4 weeks in, i had deleted my grindr but he hadnt and he had mentioned as we got to know each other that he has built up lots of contacts on the app and he would "take his pick" from time to time about who to meet, he showed me messages that showed he was happy to string along guys in the past about meeting and then cancelling saying he was busy - he was pretty much bragging that he kept these guys sweet so that he could always go back to them- when suited him, obviously he didnt say this but i got this impression.


I was concerned he was still on grindr, so i downloaded and made a fake profile , i contacted him to see would he meet me and he said he would. I was livid, so i ended our "arrangement". He swore he had no intention of meeting and it was only for a bit of harmless banter he did that. I thought about it and i had genuinely developed feelings for him now so i said id give us another go. He told me he was off grindr and we agreed to close this off now for sure, he claimed this was not specifically spelt out the last time but i felt it was pretty much clear. so we were exclusive now and he said he was falling in love with me too as was i .


Anyways, we were going good now, i thought. But it didnt feel like much more than sex to me. I always initiated contact, texting and calling daily for the first while. He only ever initiated contact when he was horny and wanted me over for sex. He has serious money probs and would say he wasnt in a good mood, couldnt talk, was busy trying to make money through nixers of evenings and that was why he couldnt talk or make time for me most days. Any time we met there was sex. So i started to question did he feel the same or was he just using me for sex. He told me i was paranoid and reading into things and that it was more than sex.

Anyways, i was sick one weekend and the following one a had a family thing so i didnt meet him for two weeks.

I have to admit privately, i started to doubt him when it was always about meeting for sex and he could never talk to me and stuff so i downloaded grindr again to check up on him. I had him favourited. He was offline and seemed not to be using it.

The weekend i was sick, he never texted or called once to see how i was and on the sunday night, i checked grindr before bed (this was a daily habit now, paranoid i know) i found him online. I texted him just to say hi and he replied "that's mad i was just about to text you" and i saw he was off grindr then so i said nothing.

The next weekend i told him i couldnt meet due to a family thing. he seemed very cool and hinted that he didnt believe i was sick the weekend before. We hadnt had full sex in about three weeks now but he said it was cool another time. I asked him straight out was it just sex he wanted and we had a bit of a back and forth all eve texting. me questioning how he never had time for me only if sex was involved, he told me i was paranoid and that it was defo more than sex between us. He wanted to meet that weekend after this but i told him i had family thing, he went all quiet as usual then but now started to ignore my texts, only replying when i said i was getting worried now

Anyways, i checked grindr that weekend of my family thing , he was on it ALL THE TIME. I was furious , i told him he was a scumbag and i knew he was not on it talking about the weather and we were over. He blanked me, wouldnt reply to me. Then i told him i wanted money back i gave him and a gift i gave him and he suddenly replied that " i was a mad yolk" and warned me to stay away from his home. (I could only ever go meet him at his home at night because he works from home and loads of people call all day) so i told him was calling in the morning for my money and gift back and he blanked me still.

I landed at his door the next day and he was horrible - he said i was a mad yolk, stir crazy, he flung the money and gift at me and said i was paranoid and he had done nothing wrong



I honestly was developing feelings for him, but i always doubted he felt the same, the writing was on the wall when he only ever initiated contact for sex i felt, so i felt i was right to end it but he kept saying i was mad , crazy and seriously deranged. I dont think i am, i feel i was played big time by someone who wanted nothing more than a **** buddy , but he has me thinking in the back of my mind was i paranoid.


any opinions appreciated, sorry this is so long, i will really appreciate anyone who reads this and offers their views

Ten of Swords

OP it's pretty clear from your post that you're confused and hurt by the whole thing but from your post it does seem to me that you acted with questionable judgement towards the end.

This started as NSA sex, an arrangement you were both comfortable with, but what's coming across in your post is that you chose to ignore obvious warning signs when you started to develop feelings.

You clearly fell hard for this person but the fake profiles, checking up on him, confronting him etc all come across as insecurity to me. In your post you acknowledged that it was paranoid behaviour. Let me ask you this, over the course of this 'arrangement' who's behaviour changed - both, his or just yours? Have you ever done these things when you were with anyone else?

Arriving on his doorstep to demand your money and gift back was not the right way to handle the situation and he was correct when he said he had done nothing wrong. It's unfortunate that you were hurt but you simply cannot make someone care for you, it often end like this.

In your post you make no mention of age but you come across as young (under 25 if I had to guess) so I would just put this bad experience behind you and move on and focus your energy on finding someone who will properly care for and appreciate you, if you're willing to try a proper relationship, or stick to your NSA Grindr cycle if that is what you are more comfortable with.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your reply. I just turned 30. I have never had a relationship before. I can accept that is a sad reflection on me and I accept I have been immature and niave. I know things arent black and white. I was wrong too. I know the spying was unhealthy and a bad omen. But I do feel labelling me mad was unneccessary on his part. We had agreed to b exclusive and neither of us would use grindr anymore. He went back on his word. I do feel that he was dishonest and should have broken it off from me if he was not into being exclusive anymore.


U ask did his behaviour change.. I felt he blew hot and cold and with hindsight when he was horny and wanted me over he said he loved me. Then after sex he would shower and make some small talk before I got the hint to go.



Everytime I queried was it just sex he was adamant no it was more. Thats why I am upset. I feel his actions of being distant and cold didnt match what he said.



I do feel him suddenly ignoring me and not talking to me when he was caught out on grindr again when we had agreed that wouldnt happen anymore was disrespectful. I know calling to his house and getting stuff back was childish but I actually felt he showed such disrespect for me by blanking me I felt better taking back anything I gave him. Childish yes but I sm glad I did it.



Thanks for the advice. I know I have to forget it and move on. I think im banning myself from grindr . I might try proper dating site like match.com

greeneyes2013

Ten of Swords wrote: »

OP it's pretty clear from your post that you're confused and hurt by the whole thing but from your post it does seem to me that you acted with questionable judgement towards the end.

This started as NSA sex, an arrangement you were both comfortable with, but what's coming across in your post is that you chose to ignore obvious warning signs when you started to develop feelings.

You clearly fell hard for this person but the fake profiles, checking up on him, confronting him etc all come across as insecurity to me. In your post you acknowledged that it was paranoid behaviour. Let me ask you this, over the course of this 'arrangement' who's behaviour changed - both, his or just yours? Have you ever done these things when you were with anyone else?

Arriving on his doorstep to demand your money and gift back was not the right way to handle the situation and he was correct when he said he had done nothing wrong. It's unfortunate that you were hurt but you simply cannot make someone care for you, it often end like this.

In your post you make no mention of age but you come across as young (under 25 if I had to guess) so I would just put this bad experience behind you and move on and focus your energy on finding someone who will properly care for and appreciate you, if you're willing to try a proper relationship, or stick to your NSA Grindr cycle if that is what you are more comfortable with.

Thank you for your reply.

Im 30. I know its embarrasing but this was my first real relationship. Im in the closet and didnt do anything til 26 with a guy. I accept I am inexperienced and I would say immature too. I have accepted being gay and acting on it alot slower in life than most guys my age.




I know I was paranoid. I can see it was unhealthy and wrong on my part. I did ignore the warning signs. What he said ( I love u) and what he did ( left me to txt and call bar when he was horny and only then txted to say we shud meet) confused me because it was like two different messages..




The one thing I dont accept is he did nothing wrong. When we agreed to be exclusive and pursue a relationship and he assured me it was more than sex or friends with benefits... we clearly agreed no more chatting guys on grindr period. Grindr was out .He went back on his word. If he lied about this then I cant b sure if he did or did not meet someone for sex. I know he was doin sonething he shouldnt have sinply by being in grindr. . I had no reason to trust him So I feel justified in ending it.



I am gonna move on and put this down to experience. But I dont like how he labelled me crazy. He was dishonest and I was entitled to challenge him on goin back on his word. There was no trust so it has to b over.



I know taking stuff back was childish. But I felt he disrespected me so much by ignoring me that I couldnt b happy letting him owe me money and stuff and getting off with it.


I am avoiding grindr.id love to try match.com or proper dating but being a closet case is gonna b huge barrier I feel. Oh well anyways thanks foe ur perspective

hfallada

I cant see why you were angry at the guy initially. You didnt say in your post you discussed exclusivity with the guy at the 4 week mark, meaning you didnt both agree not to see other people. But yet you were angry with him when he talking to other guys( some people like the novelty of people admiring them on grindr, but never meeting them). I think 4 weeks after having an NSA encounter to considering exclusivity is very rushed. And you wont really know the guy.

You sound like you didnt really know the guy, but were willing to attempt to enter into a relationship with him and lent him money (I wouldnt lend money to close friends, as it never ends well). He might have just been looking for sex and unfortunately you didnt see that. But he doesnt sound like a person they wants a relationship. And the way he was treated you, why would you even consider entering into a relationship with him?

Dr. Shrike

This goes with the territory of being closeted in rural/small-town Ireland, in my opinion.

From my past experience of those site and apps, certain parts of Ireland have more than their fair share of closeted men, who try to do the bare minimum possible to deal with their sexual and romantic desires. In this case you were a convenient way to scratch an itch. Though I wouldn't be surprised if he did have feelings for you, but was rubbish at dealing with them.

And to be completely honest, you're also one of those guys. Maybe this is a wake-up call for how you've not been living your life to the full.

greeneyes2013

hfallada wrote: »

I cant see why you were angry at the guy initially. You didnt say in your post you discussed exclusivity with the guy at the 4 week mark, meaning you didnt both agree not to see other people. But yet you were angry with him when he talking to other guys( some people like the novelty of people admiring them on grindr, but never meeting them). I think 4 weeks after having an NSA encounter to considering exclusivity is very rushed. And you wont really know the guy.

You sound like you didnt really know the guy, but were willing to attempt to enter into a relationship with him and lent him money (I wouldnt lend money to close friends, as it never ends well). He might have just been looking for sex and unfortunately you didnt see that. But he doesnt sound like a person they wants a relationship. And the way he was treated you, why would you even consider entering into a relationship with him?

Thanks at the 4 week mark he says we had never clearly closed our relationship off. I felt we had as we had agreed to go away for weekend away and I had booked and paid for it all.. food drink hotel etc. I knew he had money probs so this is why I paid for all. Hindsight showed me this is more evidence of using me. It is hard to describe but I felt we were very much a committed couple by then. He said clearly he had no interest in others anymore. But after the row I thought about it and I guess because I had feelings for him I had clouded judgement and agreed it was ambiguous and not his fault.

But def the 2nd time we were exclusive and he shouldnt have been on grindr.


This is a big learning curve. I look back and the signs were obvious. He didnt feel he same. Despite telling me what I wanted to hear. I have to just move on and let it go now. This is honestly the first time I have ever been hurt this way and I feel so stupid and used. But I have to get over it. Thanks

greeneyes2013

Dr. Shrike wrote: »

This goes with the territory of being closeted in rural/small-town Ireland, in my opinion.

From my past experience of those site and apps, certain parts of Ireland have more than their fair share of closeted men, who try to do the bare minimum possible to deal with their sexual and romantic desires. In this case you were a convenient way to scratch an itch. Though I wouldn't be surprised if he did have feelings for you, but was rubbish at dealing with them.

And to be completely honest, you're also one of those guys. Maybe this is a wake-up call for how you've not been living your life to the full.

D/p sorry

greeneyes2013

Dr. Shrike wrote: »

This goes with the territory of being closeted in rural/small-town Ireland, in my opinion.

From my past experience of those site and apps, certain parts of Ireland have more than their fair share of closeted men, who try to do the bare minimum possible to deal with their sexual and romantic desires. In this case you were a convenient way to scratch an itch. Though I wouldn't be surprised if he did have feelings for you, but was rubbish at dealing with them.

And to be completely honest, you're also one of those guys. Maybe this is a wake-up call for how you've not been living your life to the full.

I see it that way now too. I was just handy to have when he wanted sex But like he showed me on his fone he had built loadsa contacts up at the start . I feel confused why he bothered leading me on so much. Why didnt he just keep ****in around wit these guys and never lead me on into thinking we having a relationship. What was he getting more out of me than any other guy if sex is all he truly wanted. I have my own theory. He kept asking to do bareback which thank god I never did. I think he felt this was why being in an exclusive thing was worthwhile. I kept telling him id have to know him much longr months and months more before I felt ready for that. I think this was what he wanted to try and this was the readon he led me in so much. Could b wrong of course.




I do feel u are bit harsh . There is dome truth that being in the closet is gonna hold me back and I have to accept that. But I dont feel I in anyway deserved to b led on so much. We both were closet cases. If he was out and I in closet.. id accept that had something to do with how I was treated. That he got fed up of me not being open and out. That wasnt the case. I was lied to and deceived and I dont think anyone deserves that - out or in closet. Thanks for your perspective

floggg

greeneyes2013 wrote: »

I see it that way now too. I was just handy to have when he wanted sex But like he showed me on his fone he had built loadsa contacts up at the start . I feel confused why he bothered leading me on so much. Why didnt he just keep ****in around wit these guys and never lead me on into thinking we having a relationship. What was he getting more out of me than any other guy if sex is all he truly wanted. I have my own theory. He kept asking to do bareback which thank god I never did. I think he felt this was why being in an exclusive thing was worthwhile. I kept telling him id have to know him much longr months and months more before I felt ready for that. I think this was what he wanted to try and this was the readon he led me in so much. Could b wrong of course.




I do feel u are bit harsh . There is dome truth that being in the closet is gonna hold me back and I have to accept that. But I dont feel I in anyway deserved to b led on so much. We both were closet cases. If he was out and I in closet.. id accept that had something to do with how I was treated. That he got fed up of me not being open and out. That wasnt the case. I was lied to and deceived and I dont think anyone deserves that - out or in closet. Thanks for your perspective

I think the closet, and your relative comfort staying in it, may have meant you made some poor choices and probably meant you wanted this relationship to work even when all the signs indicated you guys weren't a good match and it wouldn't end well.

If you aren't out it can be harder to find somebody, so maybe you were willing to make do with the wrong option just to have somebody, and somebody who was just as interested in keeping things hidden as you were, rather than being alone or trying to find somebody through more visible channels.

So in that sense maybe he was just your way of scratching an itch too.

I don't say that to be critical - I think lots of people can make poor choices when first starting out and looking for a relationships, especially those of us who maybe came a bit late to the dating game and missed out on all the teenage romances that would have allowed us to get all these silly mistakes out of the way.

I know I certainly made poor choices too when I came out, though thankfully I never got emotionally invested.

While I don't blame you for being a bit naive, I think some self analysis would be helpful so you can avoid making the same mistakes twice.

It seems maybe you are looking for validation here and for us to say it's all his fault, but ignoring your own part in this. That's not to say his behaviour was acceptable (particularly the grindr use) but there were warning signs there you chose to ignore.

greeneyes2013

floggg wrote: »

I think the closet, and your relative comfort staying in it, may have meant you made some poor choices and probably meant you wanted this relationship to work even when all the signs indicated you guys weren't a good match and it wouldn't end well.

If you aren't out it can be harder to find somebody, so maybe you were willing to make do with the wrong option just to have somebody, and somebody who was just as interested in keeping things hidden as you were, rather than being alone or trying to find somebody through more visible channels.

So in that sense maybe he was just your way of scratching an itch too.

I don't say that to be critical - I think lots of people can make poor choices when first starting out and looking for a relationships, especially those of us who maybe came a bit late to the dating game and missed out on all the teenage romances that would have allowed us to get all these silly mistakes out of the way.

I know I certainly made poor choices too when I came out, though thankfully I never got emotionally invested.

While I don't blame you for being a bit naive, I think some self analysis would be helpful so you can avoid making the same mistakes twice.

It seems maybe you are looking for validation here and for us to say it's all his fault, but ignoring your own part in this. That's not to say his behaviour was acceptable (particularly the grindr use) but there were warning signs there you chose to ignore.

Thanks I accept there was wrong on both sides. I def saw signs but kept ignoring them. If im honest I just wanted to believe the sweet talk cus this was the first time I have developed real feelings.

I am def immature. Like u say I missed out on teenage dating so I can see my behaviour taking things back and stuff was childish.

I know it wasnt all him .


What hurts was he was so verbally abusive. Kept saying I was crazy and wouldnt even deny or admit he was on grindr. He made me sound like a nutcase. I dont feel I am. I reacted how anyone would have -with anger. Taking stuff back and showing up at his place was a bad idea. I should have just let it go. I will now . I have too

Annasopra

greeneyes2013 wrote: »

Thanks I accept there was wrong on both sides. I def saw signs but kept ignoring them. If im honest I just wanted to believe the sweet talk cus this was the first time I have developed real feelings.

I am def immature. Like u say I missed out on teenage dating so I can see my behaviour taking things back and stuff was childish.

I know it wasnt all him .


What hurts was he was so verbally abusive. Kept saying I was crazy and wouldnt even deny or admit he was on grindr. He made me sound like a nutcase. I dont feel I am. I reacted how anyone would have -with anger. Taking stuff back and showing up at his place was a bad idea. I should have just let it go. I will now . I have too

Yeah

I think you just need to move on. Don't dwell on it but learn from it.

jabarrett35

I had a similar experience to you having met someone on Grindr ( though we were both out or I thought we were) I was vulnerable at the time having only moved back from London. So my normal scumbag radar was turned off! Even though my friends told me I wouldn't listen. So I wouldn't beat yourself up to much we all do it, even those of us who should no better. My drama end last week when I got a very annoyed while drunk because he'd invited another chap over. He never said anything until the Monday then he started in on me via text. Basically I was just company and I could have been anyone. I was the fool that went out to get drink and food! So when your feelings get involved we make excuses for their bad behaviour. I was at fault because I should've said no way back. But you'll know for the next time and may be I will too.

greeneyes2013

jabarrett35 wrote: »

I had a similar experience to you having met someone on Grindr ( though we were both out or I thought we were) I was vulnerable at the time having only moved back from London. So my normal scumbag radar was turned off! Even though my friends told me I wouldn't listen. So I wouldn't beat yourself up to much we all do it, even those of us who should no better. My drama end last week when I got a very annoyed while drunk because he'd invited another chap over. He never said anything until the Monday then he started in on me via text. Basically I was just company and I could have been anyone. I was the fool that went out to get drink and food! So when your feelings get involved we make excuses for their bad behaviour. I was at fault because I should've said no way back. But you'll know for the next time and may be I will too.

Sorry to hear you have had the same mate, it honestly sucks, it's just amazing how someone can get under your skin so much and you get blindsided to the obvious things staring you in the face.

But we both will get past this hurt and move on to better things.

I have never felt such anger and hurt in my life , honestly, i sound like a silly teenager probably, i have always been very independent but when you feel like you were played, it is so hard not to be angry and stuff

One thing that could so easily happen now is we become hardened and bitter by these experiences but i am determined i am not gonna let that happen. hope you find a decent bloke . For me, i think im probably better taking stock and being on my own again cus i think i have long way to go yet before a relationship is on the cards for me being in the closet isnt conducive to a real healthy relationship.

For me, i think i got wrapped up in having what i cant really have right now. But all the best to you man , hope you find a decent guy

jabarrett35

greeneyes2013 wrote: »

Sorry to hear you have had the same mate, it honestly sucks, it's just amazing how someone can get under your skin so much and you get blindsided to the obvious things staring you in the face.

But we both will get past this hurt and move on to better things.

I have never felt such anger and hurt in my life , honestly, i sound like a silly teenager probably, i have always been very independent but when you feel like you were played, it is so hard not to be angry and stuff

One thing that could so easily happen now is we become hardened and bitter by these experiences but i am determined i am not gonna let that happen. hope you find a decent bloke . For me, i think im probably better taking stock and being on my own again cus i think i have long way to go yet before a relationship is on the cards for me being in the closet isnt conducive to a real healthy relationship.

For me, i think i got wrapped up in having what i cant really have right now. But all the best to you man , hope you find a decent guy

Thank you I'm sure it'll work out well for you. And as you say don't become hardened or bitter. At least you had the sex that stop between us because he wanted to be "friends"! I excepted that but I still had feelings for him and should've got out then but I didn't so I've no one else to blame but myself. Also even though he was out he never wanted to meet me out in public which drove me mad. In one of his tongue lashings he said it was because I was too flamboyant! I'm chatty but not flamboyant. That was one of the many insults I endured. So just watch out for the warning signs if you do all the texting or it's unequal say something and if it's not rectified get out and head for the hills! Lol

greeneyes2013

jabarrett35 wrote: »

Thank you I'm sure it'll work out well for you. And as you say don't become hardened or bitter. At least you had the sex that stop between us because he wanted to be "friends"! I excepted that but I still had feelings for him and should've got out then but I didn't so I've no one else to blame but myself. Also even though he was out he never wanted to meet me out in public which drove me mad. In one of his tongue lashings he said it was because I was too flamboyant! I'm chatty but not flamboyant. That was one of the many insults I endured. So just watch out for the warning signs if you do all the texting or it's unequal say something and if it's not rectified get out and head for the hills! Lol

Our stories are eerily similar. I had that too! The second time we met... the guy listed off lots of things he didnt like bout me. Mannerisms and stuff ... I left that day thinkin we were done. But he told me the following week it was all in my head!

I think that is why im so hurt now. It was total mind games all the time. Pushing u away with one hamd and pullin u back with another when it suited for sex. I was told I was reading into things when I queried was it just sex but sure it was obvious that was all it was.


Yep thats the big thing im taking away. If u are doin the textin and calling most the time or things feel unequal dont invest anymore time and feelings and run!!! I kept lettin my guys money probs come as an excuse for his behaviour... and yes I will never loan money again.


But hey to hell with both these guys cus I honestly cant see how treating people like this doesnt come back to bite ya. I know my guy will be while before he gets someone with my patience again.there are many guys much smarter that wont b duped. I just hope there isnt some other soft touch gonna fall for it. But yeah we well shot!

jabarrett35

greeneyes2013 wrote: »

Our stories are eerily similar. I had that too! The second time we met... the guy listed off lots of things he didnt like bout me. Mannerisms and stuff ... I left that day thinkin we were done. But he told me the following week it was all in my head!

I think that is why im so hurt now. It was total mind games all the time. Pushing u away with one hamd and pullin u back with another when it suited for sex. I was told I was reading into things when I queried was it just sex but sure it was obvious that was all it was.


Yep thats the big thing im taking away. If u are doin the textin and calling most the time or things feel unequal dont invest anymore time and feelings and run!!! I kept lettin my guys money probs come as an excuse for his behaviour... and yes I will never loan money again.


But hey to hell with both these guys cus I honestly cant see how treating people like this doesnt come back to bite ya. I know my guy will be while before he gets someone with my patience again.there are many guys much smarter that wont b duped. I just hope there isnt some other soft touch gonna fall for it. But yeah we well shot![/QUOTE

Though in fairness my guy did a lot of texting plus I did give him a fair amount of abuse but that's because everything was on his terms. It was only after we came back from holiday in November he really laid into me recounting all my transgressions he thought I was guilty of which were related to me via iMessage for four hours! Then he was all apologises the next day. Money was never a real issue. Apart from the last tongue lashing when he asked me had I taken €50 from his wallet that morning! He'd given me the money because I'd bought two bottles of vodka and food. That's how he started the conversation off! And then it was all down hill from there on in. Ending with would I delete his number! His never tried to delete a number from an iPhone before because it's not that easy. He blocked me on Grindr on Friday. I thought that was a bit unnecessary but just another way of hurting me.
But as the days have gone by I thought why did I put up with all that nonsense in the first place.
It's all a learning experience one I could've done without to be frank.

greeneyes2013

jabarrett35 wrote: »

Thank you I'm sure it'll work out well for you. And as you say don't become hardened or bitter. At least you had the sex that stop between us because he wanted to be "friends"! I excepted that but I still had feelings for him and should've got out then but I didn't so I've no one else to blame but myself. Also even though he was out he never wanted to meet me out in public which drove me mad. In one of his tongue lashings he said it was because I was too flamboyant! I'm chatty but not flamboyant. That was one of the many insults I endured. So just watch out for the warning signs if you do all the texting or it's unequal say something and if it's not rectified get out and head for the hills! Lol

Our stories are eerily similar. I had that too! The second time we met... the guy listed off lots of things he didnt like bout me. Mannerisms and stuff ... I left that day thinkin we were done. But he told me the following week it was all in my head!

I think that is why im so hurt now. It was total mind games all the time. Pushing u away with one hamd and pullin u back with another when it suited for sex. I was told I was reading into things when I queried was it just sex but sure it was obvious that was all it was.


Yep thats the big thing im taking away. If u are doin the textin and calling most the time or things feel unequal dont invest anymore time and feelings and run!!! I kept lettin my guys money probs come as an excuse for his behaviour... and yes I will never loan money again.


But hey to hell with both these guys cus I honestly cant see how treating people like this doesnt come back to bite ya. I know my guy will be while before he gets someone with my patience again.there are many guys much smarter that wont b duped. I just hope there isnt some other soft touch gonna fall for it. But yeah we well shot!

greeneyes2013

Dp again sorry

jabarrett35

However don't be surprised if he doesn't come knocking sometime in the future because these people are usually shameless. Be warned!

greeneyes2013

jabarrett35 wrote: »

However don't be surprised if he doesn't come knocking sometime in the future because these people are usually shameless. Be warned!

Oh for sure no sweet talk or backtracking will ever make me entertain such a manipulative scumbag again. I doubt mine will contact me ever. He is a really proud guy , can never say sorry I was wrong or admit any fault on his own part plus he has his store of past grindr hook ups to entertain. Im sure there are a ton of guys hearing he was very busy for the last 2 months . Hope at least one guy tells him to take a run and jump.

greeneyes2013

Dp sorry

jabarrett35

Well I hope mine keeps away as well but he's parents are only 100 yards from me and he spends a lot of time there, I've already run into him once! Lol However I'm not changing my routine because of him.

greeneyes2013

jabarrett35 wrote: »

greeneyes2013 wrote: »

Our stories are eerily similar. I had that too! The second time we met... the guy listed off lots of things he didnt like bout me. Mannerisms and stuff ... I left that day thinkin we were done. But he told me the following week it was all in my head!

I think that is why im so hurt now. It was total mind games all the time. Pushing u away with one hamd and pullin u back with another when it suited for sex. I was told I was reading into things when I queried was it just sex but sure it was obvious that was all it was.


Yep thats the big thing im taking away. If u are doin the textin and calling most the time or things feel unequal dont invest anymore time and feelings and run!!! I kept lettin my guys money probs come as an excuse for his behaviour... and yes I will never loan money again.


But hey to hell with both these guys cus I honestly cant see how treating people like this doesnt come back to bite ya. I know my guy will be while before he gets someone with my patience again.there are many guys much smarter that wont b duped. I just hope there isnt some other soft touch gonna fall for it. But yeah we well shot![/QUOTE

Though in fairness my guy did a lot of texting plus I did give him a fair amount of abuse but that's because everything was on his terms. It was only after we came back from holiday in November he really laid into me recounting all my transgressions he thought I was guilty of which were related to me via iMessage for four hours! Then he was all apologises the next day. Money was never a real issue. Apart from the last tongue lashing when he asked me had I taken €50 from his wallet that morning! He'd given me the money because I'd bought two bottles of vodka and food. That's how he started the conversation off! And then it was all down hill from there on in. Ending with would I delete his number! His never tried to delete a number from an iPhone before because it's not that easy. He blocked me on Grindr on Friday. I thought that was a bit unnecessary but just another way of hurting me.
But as the days have gone by I thought why did I put up with all that nonsense in the first place.
It's all a learning experience one I could've done without to be frank.

Sorry I missed all this part . Your guy mite have txted more and he laid out all the reasons he didnt like being with you anymore.. mine was a mute.. monosyllabic answers all the time for bout 2 msgs every other day... then the blunt ones "need sex horny.. meet ?" ... god I actually cant believe how thick I was.. it was so obviously sex and nothing more..


But I think tho our guys were bit dif in some respects.. basically we were strung along for conveinence sakes and used.

Your guy sounds alot more confrontational. That was prob more unpleasant.Mine just didnt ever seem to want to engage beyond small talk and sex. It was so hard reading between the lines all the time.


But yeah lessons learned all round. All the best mate anyways.

greeneyes2013

jabarrett35 wrote: »

Well I hope mine keeps away as well but he's parents are only 100 yards from me and he spends a lot of time there, I've already run into him once! Lol However I'm not changing my routine because of him.[/quote





Oh ****e thats bit uncomfortable. But u know what id just grit me teeth smile and say hello and keep walking. No point letting him think u uncomfortable and defo no point engaging with him to talk.

Onwards and upwards eh

hotbabe1992

I think you got good advice (from what ive read so far),i was also in a simliar situation i was being used for sex and was led to believe we were in an actual relationship..Im in a better situation now and believe everything happens for a reason..

My advice to you is dont dwell on it,try to get over it,take your time if you have to,learn from your mistakes(ie your radar not working properly you were feeling vunerable and lonely),and dont let it embitter you.

If you let it take hold of you,by dwelling on it,thats how you can become bitter about your experience,remember you didnt wrong anybody here.

greeneyes2013

hotbabe1992 wrote: »

I think you got good advice (from what ive read so far),i was also in a simliar situation i was being used for sex and was led to believe we were in an actual relationship..Im in a better situation now and believe everything happens for a reason..

My advice to you is dont dwell on it,try to get over it,take your time if you have to,learn from your mistakes(ie your radar not working properly you were feeling vunerable and lonely),and dont let it embitter you.

If you let it take hold of you,by dwelling on it,thats how you can become bitter about your experience,remember you didnt wrong anybody here.

yeah I think I have gotten decent advice here... and im grateful to everyone who has replied, genuinely.

I def need time to let the lessons sink in so im def keeping myself to myself for the foreseeable....but I need to shake myself now and stop dwelling on the anger and hurt side or ill become exactly what I don't want ... bitter like you say...


I have to just let it sink in that multiple factors have led me to feel like this .... and I do have to really absorb my own fault in this as well so that history will never , ever repeat itself... the almost willing blindness to the obvious, the immature childish venting in the aftermath are the big ones right now staring me in the face


But yeah thanks a mil everyone, it's been really helpful to have all the various viewpoints, much appreciated

jabarrett35

I've got to confess to a piece of childishness! Lol After he blocked me on Grindr I deleted my profile and reinstalled it, he hasn't worked out it's me yet! Lol I know it's very childish, but I just felt like that at the time.

jabarrett35

As I was told by a good friend regret is a useless emotion it's done now. Like you I have to learn from the experience and know what to look out for the future.

greeneyes2013

jabarrett35 wrote: »

I've got to confess to a piece of childishness! Lol After he blocked me on Grindr I deleted my profile and reinstalled it, he hasn't worked out it's me yet! Lol I know it's very childish, but I just felt like that at the time.

My guy literally didnt give feck. He literally just ignored me all fri nite . I found him on it at 11 pm. I didnt sleep all nite with anger he ignored my txts and calls all nite. He was still on /off all nite til 5am getting his hole as he wud say on grindr. . He literally just didnt give feck. Cudnt care less to rub it in my face.

Banning myself from grindr at mo. Id block that guy myself otherwise u cud b tempted if he sweettalks u at some stage

greeneyes2013

jabarrett35 wrote: »

As I was told by a good friend regret is a useless emotion it's done now. Like you I have to learn from the experience and know what to look out for the future.

Yeah too true.. but I think its just time isnt it. Its hard to expect the anger and hurt to just disappear. I am tryin my best to just let it go. But its gonna take time. I know my guy is claiming benefits and stuff and working away so I get flashes of anger every now and then and think ill report him to hurt him like he hurt me but I am def not doin that. It wont make me feel any better and even tho I think the guy is a lowlife I know he is steeped in debt and at least is tryin to sort it. So I keep telling myself I would be just as low to do that. But the anger isnt gone yet. In time hopefully.


Your friend is right . Regret is pointless and dwelling on it all is stupid too. Hope in month or two im at stage where dont care anymore. Its too fresh yet tho