Any of you guys ever suffer from Oneitis

astonaidan

beano345 wrote: »

ill go against the grain here op id let a woman approach you in future you'll probably wait a long time but will cut out a lot of heartache,being lead on,ego feeders etc

As someone who does this, I wouldnt advise it for the average guy tbh. I told my friends to do it and well it doesnt work for everyone. Ive missed out on loads of girls I liked because of my attitude that girls should approach me.

EdenHazard

Yes because I think girls will like me thinking as them as the 'one' but girls don't like that for some reason. Girls are very easily freaked out. Its mad how controlled by nature we are.

beano345

astonaidan wrote: »

As someone who does this, I wouldnt advise it for the average guy tbh. I told my friends to do it and well it doesnt work for everyone. Ive missed out on loads of girls I liked because of my attitude that girls should approach me.

its worked for me, the longest relationships and most satisfying ones have been were the girl approached me,at least you know if they make a little effort they might be some way genuine.i do think if you show interest/chasing in some women they see it as a power buzz.

namelessguy

shadowcomplex wrote: »

Her saying we should go for drinks sometime on 2 occasions and a what are you doing this weekend should have been enough of an invitation , you have to understand guys in coming from a place where I used to be 22 stone and no confidence only 9 months ago , I'm 16.5 now and still losing

5.5 stone in 9 months? That's amazing dude, fair play!

astonaidan

beano345 wrote: »

its worked for me, the longest relationships and most satisfying ones have been were the girl approached me,at least you know if they make a little effort they might be some way genuine.i do think if you show interest/chasing in some women they see it as a power buzz.

Dont get me wrong, it can work but you could be missing out waiting for a girl your into by waiting for her.
Regarding Power Buzzing girls, tbh they are easy to spot and well I personally wouldnt waste my time on them

beano345

Cheap Cola wrote: »

You can find out how "genuine" a woman is when you approach them, by asking them to do things for you which take effort. The more a that a woman is attracted to you the more compliance you get. Make her chase you, get her to impress you, never try to impress her.

Women are generally turned off when you show interest that they don't deserve. Qualify her and get her to impress you, then show more interest as she earns it.

you see thats the double-bind men face,films and society have men thinking this is what i have to do to get the girl,but rarely works,its like listening to advice from your girl mates about women,what sounds right and should be right never works! i do believe after watching my own friends give up that if it was fairer dating would be easier!thanks be to god ive eventually met one who wants to be an equal!

Pawwed Rig

Mod note - Ok guys this conversation is straying into pick up artist territory which is not an appropriate topic for this forum. Back on topic please.

EdenHazard wrote: »

Girls are very easily freaked out.

Also, less of the generalisations.

Pug160

shadowcomplex wrote: »

Basically oneitis is a situation that occurs when one(usually men) invests all their feelings and emotions on one girl, oneitis usually occurs when the person hasn't had much success with women down the years and also when the person has a very inactive social life and when they get a bit of attention from a girl they create a fantasy that isn't real, this is thee girl, the perfect girl the only one that will do me, no other girls compare, and it usually occurs when the girl is single because the possibility is there, I have suffered from this a few times in my life and I'm currently going through it, I have actually gone through it a few times before and even though I can logically accept its a fantasy its still not a nice feeling and is hard to shake, the end of the oneitis usually starts with the girl in question starting a relationship or dating someone else, that's when there is an acceptance there and once those feelings have transferred onto someone else the feeling you had for the other girl completely disapate.

I'm just wondering if any of you guys have suffered from this and how you shook yourself out of it

It sounds like you need to take a look into the abundance philosophy. I've mentioned it a couple of times on here and I honestly think it's the best piece of advice out there. It might sound like common sense but I think a lot of us have gone through a stage in our lives where we have thought that there was a limited number of attractive, decent girls. But there are actually plenty out there. Once you stop being needy things do improve.

Beefy78

Great advice from Wibbs a page back.

I'm pretty much in this boat at the moment (not entirely out of character but also not something that I make a habit of). I know it is my issue and I'm very aware that it is not about this girl and is a lot more about me and where I am in my life at the moment. I've been working through that this year both on my own, with friends and even a couple of months of therapy and largely feel better for it.

My issue was that I felt that I needed a definite 'no'. Every time I asked this girl out I got a 'I'm busy tonight' or such and such but not enough of a rejection to absolutely extinguish the hope. So I decided to force the issue rather than just wait depressed until she gets a boyfriend so got her some flowers and had 'the conversation' last Thursday. It was a 'no' and I think I can accept that.

My next trouble is that we spoke on Monday and she asked me why I'm a little down. Then texted me yesterday to see if I'm ok. I appreciate the concern but it's like she's oblivious to the conversation we had last week as being part of the reason why I'm currently not in the best of moods. So I sent her a message last night (she's away for a couple of days so I couldn't do this face to face) thanking her for her concern, apologising if this sort of conversation was making her feel awkward but asking her to give me some space whilst I lick my wounds and get on with my life. I think it was the right thing to do but of course now I feel a bit of a dick about the whole thing. We work at the same place so freezing her out of my life totally isn't an option and I would like us to be friends when this is all worked through as she's a great girl and I really enjoy her company.

I empathise with the OP as I've lost a similar amount of weight (although over 12 months instead of 9). You kind of think it's going to be a magic wand which will take your problems away and then realise that actually it isn't. I just think you need to start to feel good about yourself before you can expect a girl to feel good about you.

ancapailldorcha

I've lost about 2.5 stone in the last 8 months and I do feel the world better for it. Like Beefy says, it's not a magic solution but I did find my confidence significantly increase in the last year.
I'm getting over a dose as well myself. She's one of my supervisors at work and a former model. I'll skip the description but I don't want to say anything as she's a superior and I'm going to move to the south coast of the UK in a few months so I'm not sure there'd even be a point.

TheFarrier

I didn't realise so many other people got this "oneitis". I've gone through it several times (including one where I started quite an embarrassing thread on this forum).

It doesn't help that any time I've approached any of the girls I put up on that pedestal most were quite harsh in their rejection(rejection is the wrong word but I can't think of a better one)

I'd be a fairly shy and quiet fella, even when drunk I'd be slow to make any attempt at chatting up a girl, beyond normal conversation, and the odd rejection only compounds this.

Like someone else said, I'd see anything less than a definite no as a good sign, and I've also done the whole wait for a girl to approach me. Has worked with some success but I still end up falling back into old habits.

Jaysus this lack of confidence thing is a pain in the hole.

The Corinthian

TheFarrier wrote: »

I didn't realise so many other people got this "oneitis".

Most men do (as do women) at some stage, but it's generally a folly of youth and you grow out of it.

If you end up idealizing someone, you're effectively doing so from an egocentric perspective; they become your ideal in your mind and not the person they are in reality. As you grow older, you become less likely to do this sort of thing because you come to realize that people are not simply how you perceive them, but actual independent human beings.

Some get over this before they leave their teens. Most by their early to mid twenties. A few much, much later; or never, as they never fully mature emotionally.

Beefy78

The Corinthian wrote: »

As you grow older, you become less likely to do this sort of thing because you come to realize that people are not simply how you perceive them, but actual independent human beings.

Some get over this before they leave their teens. Most by their early to mid twenties. A few much, much later; or never, as they never fully mature emotionally.

I'd say it is less to do with being emotionally mature and more to do with not having had enough experience with relationships to realise your first point.

The Corinthian

Beefy78 wrote: »

I'd say it is less to do with being emotionally mature and more to do with not having had enough experience with relationships to realise your first point.

Much the same thing though. It's from experience that we learn that we're not the centre of the universe; children are extreme egocentrics when young, but as they grow, learn and experience they realize that when someone leaves the room they don't cease to exist. Later on that someone else can have thoughts and feelings that have nothing to do with you. And eventually that people are not exactly as we perceive them, because we cannot perceive everything, and even if we did, we are prone to biases that would create false perceptions.

Maturity and experience have long been associated with each other. There's good reason for that.

Beefy78

But you can be mature in every other aspect of your life but only have had a handful of relationships. There are plenty of other experiences out there which can build emotional maturity - work, death, responsibility, family, a thousand others.

sbsquarepants

I've know this guy for about 8 or 9 years (I go out with his sister), in all that time I've never heard him talk about a woman, let alone go out with one. Out of the blue he met some girl, a very nice one it has to be said, and they went on a date roughly 1 year ago - last weekend I attended their wedding.
Now that is oneitis for you!:D

The Corinthian

Beefy78 wrote: »

But you can be mature in every other aspect of your life but only have had a handful of relationships. There are plenty of other experiences out there which can build emotional maturity - work, death, responsibility, family, a thousand others.

Sure, but it doesn't mean that you will build emotional maturity, just because they could in theory - just because you have an experience, doesn't mean you'll learn anything useful from it. Also, in my experience, if someone creates idealized fantasy loves, they will tend to be as egocentric where it comes to other people to; it's just that it's not as apparent.

Most psychological syndromes, tendencies, disorders or whatever you want to call them are related to what we call 'immaturity', which in turn is related to our own levels of egocentricm or narcissism throughout life. Invariably these are the people who don't learn from experience and thus remain emotionally at the same level as when they were twelve.

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I've know this guy for about 8 or 9 years (I go out with his sister), in all that time I've never heard him talk about a woman, let alone go out with one. Out of the blue he met some girl, a very nice one it has to be said, and they went on a date roughly 1 year ago - last weekend I attended their wedding.
Now that is oneitis for you!:D

In fairness, that is more often a product of panic and peer pressure than Oneitis.

Jeffy Show

Beefy78 wrote: »

Great advice from Wibbs a page back.

I'm pretty much in this boat at the moment (not entirely out of character but also not something that I make a habit of). I know it is my issue and I'm very aware that it is not about this girl and is a lot more about me and where I am in my life at the moment. I've been working through that this year both on my own, with friends and even a couple of months of therapy and largely feel better for it.

My issue was that I felt that I needed a definite 'no'. Every time I asked this girl out I got a 'I'm busy tonight' or such and such but not enough of a rejection to absolutely extinguish the hope. So I decided to force the issue rather than just wait depressed until she gets a boyfriend so got her some flowers and had 'the conversation' last Thursday. It was a 'no' and I think I can accept that.

My next trouble is that we spoke on Monday and she asked me why I'm a little down. Then texted me yesterday to see if I'm ok. I appreciate the concern but it's like she's oblivious to the conversation we had last week as being part of the reason why I'm currently not in the best of moods. So I sent her a message last night (she's away for a couple of days so I couldn't do this face to face) thanking her for her concern, apologising if this sort of conversation was making her feel awkward but asking her to give me some space whilst I lick my wounds and get on with my life. I think it was the right thing to do but of course now I feel a bit of a dick about the whole thing. We work at the same place so freezing her out of my life totally isn't an option and I would like us to be friends when this is all worked through as she's a great girl and I really enjoy her company.

I empathise with the OP as I've lost a similar amount of weight (although over 12 months instead of 9). You kind of think it's going to be a magic wand which will take your problems away and then realise that actually it isn't. I just think you need to start to feel good about yourself before you can expect a girl to feel good about you.

Accept that girl doesn't like you. Send her an honest text saying that you were attracted to her an you knew she knew you were attracted. Tell her you are a bit down because she rejected you but now it's time to move on, thanks for finally telling me no.

OnTheCouch

Beefy78 wrote: »

Great advice from Wibbs a page back.

I'm pretty much in this boat at the moment (not entirely out of character but also not something that I make a habit of). I know it is my issue and I'm very aware that it is not about this girl and is a lot more about me and where I am in my life at the moment. I've been working through that this year both on my own, with friends and even a couple of months of therapy and largely feel better for it.

My issue was that I felt that I needed a definite 'no'. Every time I asked this girl out I got a 'I'm busy tonight' or such and such but not enough of a rejection to absolutely extinguish the hope. So I decided to force the issue rather than just wait depressed until she gets a boyfriend so got her some flowers and had 'the conversation' last Thursday. It was a 'no' and I think I can accept that.

My next trouble is that we spoke on Monday and she asked me why I'm a little down. Then texted me yesterday to see if I'm ok. I appreciate the concern but it's like she's oblivious to the conversation we had last week as being part of the reason why I'm currently not in the best of moods. So I sent her a message last night (she's away for a couple of days so I couldn't do this face to face) thanking her for her concern, apologising if this sort of conversation was making her feel awkward but asking her to give me some space whilst I lick my wounds and get on with my life. I think it was the right thing to do but of course now I feel a bit of a dick about the whole thing. We work at the same place so freezing her out of my life totally isn't an option and I would like us to be friends when this is all worked through as she's a great girl and I really enjoy her company.

I empathise with the OP as I've lost a similar amount of weight (although over 12 months instead of 9). You kind of think it's going to be a magic wand which will take your problems away and then realise that actually it isn't. I just think you need to start to feel good about yourself before you can expect a girl to feel good about you.

Obviously I don't know the girl in your example, but it's possible she likes/liked the ego boost your company gives her, although at the same time having no intentions to take things further.

A few years back, I was 'courting' a girl for about a month or so. I would frequently meet up with her during the day, I would act interested and so on, but whenever it came to meeting up for a proper date, she would always find some excuse to get out of it. I was confused because she certainly seemed to be into me in some way and she always agreed to see me during the day and so on.

I then found out from someone else that she had had a boyfriend the whole time! I was absolutely staggered at this news, if she had just told me that straight away she would saved me so much mental anguish. And saved herself from being pestered by me, but I figured in hindsight she just liked the attention.

Of course it should be noted that not all women are like this either. They can be less direct than us, especially in matters like this, I think in an attempt to not hurt the man's feelings. I have had female friends get very stressed about what to do when they had a man chasing them and they didn't like him in that way but didn't want to say as much in so many words. However in my opinion, this just wastes everyone's time.

So it might be something to think about. For what it's worth, I believe it's a good idea to cut someone like that out of your life (at least temporarily) as her being around will hinder you moving on. Plus, never think that you're being a dick by doing that - be aware that getting into a relationship is a fundamentally selfish act in itself, no one gets into one because they feel sorry for the other person, it's because that person makes them feel good or provides something they don't have already. Likewise, staying away from someone who is no longer a relationship prospect (but about whom you may still have feelings), can only be good for you in the long-term.

hatrickpatrick

Isn't the 21st century so romantic, where the age-old experience of falling in love and infatuation is dissected to the point where it gets a disease-esque name and is discussed in the context of psychological disorders and other such bollocks

The Corinthian

hatrickpatrick wrote: »

Isn't the 21st century so romantic, where the age-old experience of falling in love and infatuation is dissected to the point where it gets a disease-esque name and is discussed in the context of psychological disorders and other such bollocks

So, if you stalk an unrequited love, should we call that romantic too?

kieranfitz

Yes, not had a dose in about 3 years though.

Cranky1966

The main backdrop to all this is we live in a chaotic universe and all our efforts to bring order to everything, including relationships, is futile.

So back to the main point.....figure out who you are and go with it... try and learn some basic rules about dealing with the opposite sex.....and incorporate them into YOUR approach....

LOTD

I've never heard or seen this word before coming across this thread, question, if you see beyond the illusion or fantasy do you really have Oneitis.

I think a lot of people can relate, it happened to me for about a year, not nice but I got over it. Not trying to be glib but you got to have a cut off point. The older I got the less I was willing to put up with people burdening their own problems or excuses on me.

OP the only advice I could give you is, don't rush in or overthink things take a step back. Also fair play on the weight loss.

shrewd

Been there before. horrible is the only word i can use to describe it.

Took me over a year to get over it.
if there is one thing I've learnt from it or one thing i wish i did during those days is to "ASK HER OUT DIRECTLY AND DEMAND A CONCRETE ANSWER".

i used to have this idea of being friends with women first, in a hope of the relationship growing into romance. Big mistake. it only takes women a couple of minutes to decide if you are potential partner or just a friend.

my rule now is that if i find a girl attractive and we are both single. i will just go for it. When i say go for it, i mean telling her how i feel about her directly and then asking her out. NOT asking her out first, they usually give a pathetic excuse which then leads to self doubts, self questioning,headaches etc.

ancapailldorcha

shrewd wrote: »

i used to have this idea of being friends with women first, in a hope of the relationship growing into romance. Big mistake. it only takes women a couple of minutes to decide if you are potential partner or just a friend.

A girl I knew at college told me that that was the best way to do it.
Personally, I prefer to ask someone out not right away but fairly promptly if I'm interested and I think there's a rapport.

IK09

ur putting the pússy on a pedestal

beks101

IK09 wrote: »

ur putting the pússy on a pedestal

And they say romance is dead

singlesnights

shrewd wrote: »

I used to have this idea of being friends with women first, in a hope of the relationship growing into romance. Big mistake. it only takes women a couple of minutes to decide if you are potential partner or just a friend.

Ending up in the "friend zone" has its perks. It often leads to being introduced to her friends, which adds to your options.

Expressing interest (whether real or not) in one of her female friends is also one of the very best ways to rekindle her interest in you!

Never underestimate the power of the female ego....

Soft Falling Rain

The Corinthian wrote: »

In fairness, that is more often a product of panic and peer pressure than Oneitis.

How.....condescending.