Any of you guys ever suffer from Oneitis

shadowcomplex

Basically oneitis is a situation that occurs when one(usually men) invests all their feelings and emotions on one girl, oneitis usually occurs when the person hasn't had much success with women down the years and also when the person has a very inactive social life and when they get a bit of attention from a girl they create a fantasy that isn't real, this is thee girl, the perfect girl the only one that will do me, no other girls compare, and it usually occurs when the girl is single because the possibility is there, I have suffered from this a few times in my life and I'm currently going through it, I have actually gone through it a few times before and even though I can logically accept its a fantasy its still not a nice feeling and is hard to shake, the end of the oneitis usually starts with the girl in question starting a relationship or dating someone else, that's when there is an acceptance there and once those feelings have transferred onto someone else the feeling you had for the other girl completely disapate.

I'm just wondering if any of you guys have suffered from this and how you shook yourself out of it

Pepe LeFrits

I used to.

Now I think I suffer from Noneitis!

Like this
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manic_Pixie_Dream_Girl
?

Cranky1966

Oneitis is not an affliction. Its like having immunity against all the hassle of having to deal with a new girl in your life every weekend....I mean, who wants that, right ? It frees you up so you can concentrate on all the more important stuff in a young mans life like...am...well...let me see...am ...oh yeah...ah no...that doesnt count...wait a sec...I know there is something .....am....

bluewolf

bluewolf wrote: »

Like this
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manic_Pixie_Dream_Girl
?

Nah.


I used to think along those kinda lines but I've gotten past it now. To be honest I've lost the majority of the interest I had in pursing relationships. It's even easier this way. :pac:

confuseddotcom

My eyes and brain hurt trying to follow that.

shadowcomplex

Cranky1966 wrote: »

Oneitis is not an affliction. Its like having immunity against all the hassle of having to deal with a new girl in your life every weekend....I mean, who wants that, right ? It frees you up so you can concentrate on all the more important stuff in a young mans life like...am...well...let me see...am ...oh yeah...ah no...that doesnt count...wait a sec...I know there is something .....am....

You obviously dont understand the term oneitis

I am pie

Sort yourself out OP, stop putting these women up on a pedestal, worse yet you know you are prone to doing it and yet continue to do it.

It's not some disease which you can't avoid, giving it a name and accepting it as a condition is a fairly pathetic way of surrendering control.

Stop it! Seriously. They sense it when you come across all stalkerish...enough with the daydreaming and longing stares! just be friendly, have a laugh and stop living a fantasy life inside your head!

Pepe LeFrits

I am pie wrote: »

Sort yourself out OP, stop putting these women up on a pedestal, worse yet you know you are prone to doing it and yet continue to do it.

It's not some disease which you can't avoid, giving it a name and accepting it as a condition is a fairly pathetic way of surrendering control.

Stop it! Seriously. They sense it when you come across all stalkerish...enough with the daydreaming and longing stares! just be friendly, have a laugh and stop living a fantasy life inside your head!

Yeah, for god's sake OP! Stop feeling lonely! Stop feeling depressed! Man up and shake it off!

PingO_O

Don't get to a stage where you have to shake yourself out of it op. When you meet someone you like be a bit more direct about wanting to take them out and if they're not interested/already attached then move on. Seems a bit cold and simple but you're only going to hurt yourself in the long run if you hang around being a girls best friend hoping one day she'll change her mind.

Cranky1966

Sorry for being flipant with my earlier message....I was tryin to lighten your mood....I do understand how you feel and it is a dreadful feeling...but it is just a feeling not an amputation...it will fade and lose its power with time...I would be inclined to agree with "I am pie" to a certain extent, but its not as easy as that to stop the feeling...if its any consolation, I think having the ability to have those feelings and then discuss it is a good thing.

I am pie

Pepe LeFrits wrote: »

Yeah, for god's sake OP! Stop feeling lonely! Stop feeling depressed! Man up and shake it off!

I don't think this is about loneliness and depression, which are real conditions (one social, one medical) which should be addressed. This onesy carry on is about putting one women up on a pedastal and getting carried away with an alternative reality that becomes damaging.

Don't do it OP, it isn't worth it. If you have other issues which prevent you from socialising then confront those, get to the bottom of those issues which you do have with the right help.

Do not obssess with this made up condition, by the sounds of it you need to get comfortable with who you are and be happy with that person. Everything else flows after that.

Stupid response there Pepe, facetious and unhelpful and not were i was coming from.

Pepe LeFrits

I am pie wrote: »

I don't think this is about loneliness and depression, which are real conditions (one social, one medical) which should be addressed.

Reading between the lines, it is in my opinion. Certainly there's a confidence issue here. The OP is talking about 'suffering' and 'when the person hasn't had much success with women down the years and also when the person has a very inactive social life and when they get a bit of attention from a girl'

These sort of things aren't easy to fix, and telling him he's being pathetic and to stop being a stalker and living a fantasy life and just 'have a laugh' is not likely to prove very helpful either.

I am pie

Pepe LeFrits wrote: »

Reading between the lines, it is in my opinion. Certainly there's a confidence issue here. The OP is talking about 'suffering' and 'when the person hasn't had much success with women down the years and also when the person has a very inactive social life and when they get a bit of attention from a girl'

These sort of things aren't easy to fix, and telling him he's being pathetic and to stop being a stalker and living a fantasy life and just 'have a laugh' is not likely to prove very helpful either.

Your first paragraph paraphrases what I said in my response to you.

Your second paragraph is a series of unhelpful accusations dressed up in quotations. I said the behaviour can be perceived as stalkerish..i.e. it can be misinterpreted by the object. Anyway, this thread isn't really about your opinion of what I said or my fairly low opinion of your bickering responses.

To the OP, like I said previously. Ignore everything else in this thread and go with:

"You need to get comfortable with who you are and be happy with that person. Everything else flows after that"

Pepe LeFrits

I am pie wrote: »

Your first paragraph paraphrases what I said in my response to you.

Your second paragraph is a series of unhelpful accusations dressed up in quotations. I said the behaviour can be perceived as stalkerish..i.e. it can be misinterpreted by the object. Anyway, this thread isn't really about your opinion of what I said or my fairly low opinion of your bickering responses.

To the OP, like I said previously. Ignore everything else in this thread and go with:

"You need to get comfortable with who you are and be happy with that person. Everything else flows after that"

I'm not bickering; I'm neither irritated nor angry. I just think your first response was pretty indelicate and ham-fisted... the advice in the second post was better though.

Wibbs

Once when I was young. For a few months I'd say. Thank feck I snapped out of it though as I've seen way too many blokes fall into it. In any examples I've seen it was the result of unrequited feelings(or a one off snog type thing), which because they were unrequited they spiraled into the realms of fantasy and wishful thinking. That's what nearly happened to me and seeing that is what made me snap out of it. My logic kicked in and overturned my heart and loins(though loins weren't really engaged that much, but maybe that was me). Unrequited love is a crock and it aint love, like dancing by yourself with arms outstretched aint a waltz. It requires two to tango(mixed dance metaphors ahoy).

My take? If you are starting to get real deep in and she aint and it's more than a couple of months and especially if you get any lines like "I like you as a friend/well you never know what might happen between us in the future/I'm not ready for a relationship right now" etc, then the best bet is to pull the eject levers. Distance yourself from them socially to let your feelings take their course. Cold turkey as it were. If you like - and it's a good bet - tell them in a kind way that this is what you need to do and hope they understand. If during this time the object of your affection tries to keep contact "as a friend", they're not respecting your wishes, so really cut them out. Meet other women(not try to shag them BTW) and get yourself out socially and move forward in life. That's shít's powerful juju.

TL;DR if you want love, accept no substitutes.

bnt

shadowcomplex wrote: »

... oneitis ...

Why did I read that as "Onanitis"? :eek:

Cranky1966

Where was Boards.ie when I was going through this angst for the first (and not the last) time...its excellant advice from all you guys for shadowcomplex ...different approaches but all coming from a good place...wonderful. Working on being comfortable with who you are is the key I agree and become comfortable with letting that shine through. I know its a generalisation, but there are two types of guys, relationship guys and one nite stand guys, you have to figure out which one you are and be happy with it. The story of the scorpion and the frog is a lesson to all.

ancapailldorcha

Don't think I can add much here except to say that I think Wibbs has nailed it perfectly. It's happened to me a few times and I'm coming out of a dose now (I hope).
It's just a matter of trying your luck and seeing how it goes. I've a good rapport with a new girl at work and I fancy her quite a lot. Unfortunately, she's in my department and is a superior so logic dictates that I let it slide. I think as I've grown older, I've gotten better at letting my mind rule my heart or at least keep it in check and not the other way around.

Cranky1966

Got to follow your gut..wherever it leads (within reason obviously). The hearts too silly and the heads too dispassionate.

shadowcomplex

Thanks for all the comments guys , the thing that sickens me the most is that I fully believe she tried to give me the opportunity but I was too slow and not forward enough , I was too nice and became friendzoned , now it seems soneone else has swooped in

The Corinthian

shadowcomplex wrote: »

I'm just wondering if any of you guys have suffered from this and how you shook yourself out of it

Not since I was fourteen.

Such ideal women are ideal only because they're theoretical (you're not actually with them, after all); if you do get them, and end up in a relationship with them, reality will leak in and their flaws will begin to show themselves, corrupting the dream and their ideal, which was the unrealistic expectation where being with this 'one girl' would somehow solve all your problems and make you complete.

As Gatsby discovered, the reality tends to fall short of the dream. And so experience, that women are just as frail and flawed as men and thus not some magic pill to all our problems, will shake you out of it and eventually you'll stop seeing women as abstract ideals and instead as people.

4Sticks

Easier said than done but try to be scared less of risk of rejection. The decent ones will let you down gently and with respect. If a girl does not treat you kindly when you approach her well its just like placing the sour milk back on the shop shelf , lucky not to buy that.

It seems old fashioned but I beleive it to be true that most girls need to be pursued they are not comfortable doing the pursuing. Lack of courage on the part of the male can be felt by the girl as lack of romantic interest.

And advice which seems so glib but I mean it sincerley which is try to have fun with all this. Ask yourself if feeling anxious " is this really going to matter in 5 years" . The answer will always be no so go get your girl.

shadowcomplex

Her saying we should go for drinks sometime on 2 occasions and a what are you doing this weekend should have been enough of an invitation , you have to understand guys in coming from a place where I used to be 22 stone and no confidence only 9 months ago , I'm 16.5 now and still losing

4Sticks

Look forward not back. You'll be grand .

The Corinthian

4Sticks wrote: »

Easier said than done but try to be scared less of risk of rejection. The decent ones will let you down gently and with respect. If a girl does not treat you kindly when you approach her well its just like placing the sour milk back on the shop shelf , lucky not to buy that.

There's no reason to fear rejection - think of things this way; every woman on the planet - young, old, fat, thin, rich, poor, comely or foul - finds you attractive. Believe it. Feel it.

Sure, logic will tell you that, quite rightly, such a presumption is utter crap, but that's not the point. If she rejects you, then that's because she's taken, or getting over a bad relationship, or gay, or clinically insane (logic will tell you that this too is utter crap, but that's also not the point). The point is that as a result, you'll never fear approaching a woman, because you 'know' she finds you attractive and if they do reject you, the World is still full of women who fancy you.

(And if they do reject you, always be polite; after all, it's their loss.)

It's up to you to take care of yourself, your self esteem and your own ego. Take care of that, and it'll take care of you, because the confidence it will afford you will make the entire exercise a self-fulfilling prophecy more often than you'd care to imagine.

It's a philosophy worked for French, Italian and Spanish men for centuries.



P.S. Reading over this, it could be taken as a PUA strategy. It's not. It's simply a way of dealing with fear of rejection that's been around for a long time.

GGG500

The Corinthian wrote: »

There's no reason to fear rejection - think of things this way; every woman on the planet - young, old, fat, thin, rich, poor, comely or foul - finds you attractive. Believe it. Feel it.

Sure, logic will tell you that, quite rightly, such a presumption is utter crap, but that's not the point. If she rejects you, then that's because she's taken, or getting over a bad relationship, or gay, or clinically insane (logic will tell you that this too is utter crap, but that's also not the point). The point is that as a result, you'll never fear approaching a woman, because you 'know' she finds you attractive and if they do reject you, the World is still full of women who fancy you.

(And if they do reject you, always be polite; after all, it's their loss.)

It's up to you to take care of yourself, your self esteem and your own ego. Take care of that, and it'll take care of you, because the confidence it will afford you will make the entire exercise a self-fulfilling prophecy more often than you'd care to imagine.

It's a philosophy worked for French, Italian and Spanish men for centuries.



P.S. Reading over this, it could be taken as a PUA strategy. It's not. It's simply a way of dealing with fear of rejection that's been around for a long time.

By definition really it is a PUA strategy. After all PUA is simply advice and discussion on how to attract women better.

This whole thread is a "PUA" thread.

The Corinthian

GGG500 wrote: »

By definition really it is a PUA strategy. After all PUA is simply advice and discussion on how to attract women better.

I would have thought a PUA strategy would concern itself primarily with the manipulation, deception and seduction of women, not primarily with personal self-esteem.

Otherwise, I suppose asking where one can meet single women is soliciting PUA strategies; as would be where to go for a date or anything related to how men relate romantically to women.

Then again, if your definition of how men relate romantically to women always involves manipulation, deception and seduction, then I can see where you're coming from. Just would not prefer to go there myself, thank you.

This whole thread is a "PUA" thread.

It's actually about self-esteem of some men, hence the invention of a 'dream girl' that'll solve all their personal problems.

Sauve

Mod

As per the charter, no discussion of PUA please and thank you

--Kaiser--

The Corinthian wrote: »

There's no reason to fear rejection - think of things this way; every woman on the planet - young, old, fat, thin, rich, poor, comely or foul - finds you attractive. Believe it. Feel it.

Sure, logic will tell you that, quite rightly, such a presumption is utter crap, but that's not the point. If she rejects you, then that's because she's taken, or getting over a bad relationship, or gay, or clinically insane (logic will tell you that this too is utter crap, but that's also not the point). The point is that as a result, you'll never fear approaching a woman, because you 'know' she finds you attractive and if they do reject you, the World is still full of women who fancy you.

(And if they do reject you, always be polite; after all, it's their loss.)

It's up to you to take care of yourself, your self esteem and your own ego. Take care of that, and it'll take care of you, because the confidence it will afford you will make the entire exercise a self-fulfilling prophecy more often than you'd care to imagine.

It's a philosophy worked for French, Italian and Spanish men for centuries.



P.S. Reading over this, it could be taken as a PUA strategy. It's not. It's simply a way of dealing with fear of rejection that's been around for a long time.

Or in the words of Phil Lynott
"If that chick don't wanna know, forget her"

beano345

ill go against the grain here op id let a woman approach you in future you'll probably wait a long time but will cut out a lot of heartache,being lead on,ego feeders etc

astonaidan

beano345 wrote: »

ill go against the grain here op id let a woman approach you in future you'll probably wait a long time but will cut out a lot of heartache,being lead on,ego feeders etc

As someone who does this, I wouldnt advise it for the average guy tbh. I told my friends to do it and well it doesnt work for everyone. Ive missed out on loads of girls I liked because of my attitude that girls should approach me.

EdenHazard

Yes because I think girls will like me thinking as them as the 'one' but girls don't like that for some reason. Girls are very easily freaked out. Its mad how controlled by nature we are.

beano345

astonaidan wrote: »

As someone who does this, I wouldnt advise it for the average guy tbh. I told my friends to do it and well it doesnt work for everyone. Ive missed out on loads of girls I liked because of my attitude that girls should approach me.

its worked for me, the longest relationships and most satisfying ones have been were the girl approached me,at least you know if they make a little effort they might be some way genuine.i do think if you show interest/chasing in some women they see it as a power buzz.

namelessguy

shadowcomplex wrote: »

Her saying we should go for drinks sometime on 2 occasions and a what are you doing this weekend should have been enough of an invitation , you have to understand guys in coming from a place where I used to be 22 stone and no confidence only 9 months ago , I'm 16.5 now and still losing

5.5 stone in 9 months? That's amazing dude, fair play!

astonaidan

beano345 wrote: »

its worked for me, the longest relationships and most satisfying ones have been were the girl approached me,at least you know if they make a little effort they might be some way genuine.i do think if you show interest/chasing in some women they see it as a power buzz.

Dont get me wrong, it can work but you could be missing out waiting for a girl your into by waiting for her.
Regarding Power Buzzing girls, tbh they are easy to spot and well I personally wouldnt waste my time on them

beano345

Cheap Cola wrote: »

You can find out how "genuine" a woman is when you approach them, by asking them to do things for you which take effort. The more a that a woman is attracted to you the more compliance you get. Make her chase you, get her to impress you, never try to impress her.

Women are generally turned off when you show interest that they don't deserve. Qualify her and get her to impress you, then show more interest as she earns it.

you see thats the double-bind men face,films and society have men thinking this is what i have to do to get the girl,but rarely works,its like listening to advice from your girl mates about women,what sounds right and should be right never works! i do believe after watching my own friends give up that if it was fairer dating would be easier!thanks be to god ive eventually met one who wants to be an equal!

Pawwed Rig

Mod note - Ok guys this conversation is straying into pick up artist territory which is not an appropriate topic for this forum. Back on topic please.

EdenHazard wrote: »

Girls are very easily freaked out.

Also, less of the generalisations.

Pug160

shadowcomplex wrote: »

Basically oneitis is a situation that occurs when one(usually men) invests all their feelings and emotions on one girl, oneitis usually occurs when the person hasn't had much success with women down the years and also when the person has a very inactive social life and when they get a bit of attention from a girl they create a fantasy that isn't real, this is thee girl, the perfect girl the only one that will do me, no other girls compare, and it usually occurs when the girl is single because the possibility is there, I have suffered from this a few times in my life and I'm currently going through it, I have actually gone through it a few times before and even though I can logically accept its a fantasy its still not a nice feeling and is hard to shake, the end of the oneitis usually starts with the girl in question starting a relationship or dating someone else, that's when there is an acceptance there and once those feelings have transferred onto someone else the feeling you had for the other girl completely disapate.

I'm just wondering if any of you guys have suffered from this and how you shook yourself out of it

It sounds like you need to take a look into the abundance philosophy. I've mentioned it a couple of times on here and I honestly think it's the best piece of advice out there. It might sound like common sense but I think a lot of us have gone through a stage in our lives where we have thought that there was a limited number of attractive, decent girls. But there are actually plenty out there. Once you stop being needy things do improve.

Beefy78

Great advice from Wibbs a page back.

I'm pretty much in this boat at the moment (not entirely out of character but also not something that I make a habit of). I know it is my issue and I'm very aware that it is not about this girl and is a lot more about me and where I am in my life at the moment. I've been working through that this year both on my own, with friends and even a couple of months of therapy and largely feel better for it.

My issue was that I felt that I needed a definite 'no'. Every time I asked this girl out I got a 'I'm busy tonight' or such and such but not enough of a rejection to absolutely extinguish the hope. So I decided to force the issue rather than just wait depressed until she gets a boyfriend so got her some flowers and had 'the conversation' last Thursday. It was a 'no' and I think I can accept that.

My next trouble is that we spoke on Monday and she asked me why I'm a little down. Then texted me yesterday to see if I'm ok. I appreciate the concern but it's like she's oblivious to the conversation we had last week as being part of the reason why I'm currently not in the best of moods. So I sent her a message last night (she's away for a couple of days so I couldn't do this face to face) thanking her for her concern, apologising if this sort of conversation was making her feel awkward but asking her to give me some space whilst I lick my wounds and get on with my life. I think it was the right thing to do but of course now I feel a bit of a dick about the whole thing. We work at the same place so freezing her out of my life totally isn't an option and I would like us to be friends when this is all worked through as she's a great girl and I really enjoy her company.

I empathise with the OP as I've lost a similar amount of weight (although over 12 months instead of 9). You kind of think it's going to be a magic wand which will take your problems away and then realise that actually it isn't. I just think you need to start to feel good about yourself before you can expect a girl to feel good about you.

ancapailldorcha

I've lost about 2.5 stone in the last 8 months and I do feel the world better for it. Like Beefy says, it's not a magic solution but I did find my confidence significantly increase in the last year.
I'm getting over a dose as well myself. She's one of my supervisors at work and a former model. I'll skip the description but I don't want to say anything as she's a superior and I'm going to move to the south coast of the UK in a few months so I'm not sure there'd even be a point.

TheFarrier

I didn't realise so many other people got this "oneitis". I've gone through it several times (including one where I started quite an embarrassing thread on this forum).

It doesn't help that any time I've approached any of the girls I put up on that pedestal most were quite harsh in their rejection(rejection is the wrong word but I can't think of a better one)

I'd be a fairly shy and quiet fella, even when drunk I'd be slow to make any attempt at chatting up a girl, beyond normal conversation, and the odd rejection only compounds this.

Like someone else said, I'd see anything less than a definite no as a good sign, and I've also done the whole wait for a girl to approach me. Has worked with some success but I still end up falling back into old habits.

Jaysus this lack of confidence thing is a pain in the hole.

The Corinthian

TheFarrier wrote: »

I didn't realise so many other people got this "oneitis".

Most men do (as do women) at some stage, but it's generally a folly of youth and you grow out of it.

If you end up idealizing someone, you're effectively doing so from an egocentric perspective; they become your ideal in your mind and not the person they are in reality. As you grow older, you become less likely to do this sort of thing because you come to realize that people are not simply how you perceive them, but actual independent human beings.

Some get over this before they leave their teens. Most by their early to mid twenties. A few much, much later; or never, as they never fully mature emotionally.

Beefy78

The Corinthian wrote: »

As you grow older, you become less likely to do this sort of thing because you come to realize that people are not simply how you perceive them, but actual independent human beings.

Some get over this before they leave their teens. Most by their early to mid twenties. A few much, much later; or never, as they never fully mature emotionally.

I'd say it is less to do with being emotionally mature and more to do with not having had enough experience with relationships to realise your first point.

The Corinthian

Beefy78 wrote: »

I'd say it is less to do with being emotionally mature and more to do with not having had enough experience with relationships to realise your first point.

Much the same thing though. It's from experience that we learn that we're not the centre of the universe; children are extreme egocentrics when young, but as they grow, learn and experience they realize that when someone leaves the room they don't cease to exist. Later on that someone else can have thoughts and feelings that have nothing to do with you. And eventually that people are not exactly as we perceive them, because we cannot perceive everything, and even if we did, we are prone to biases that would create false perceptions.

Maturity and experience have long been associated with each other. There's good reason for that.

Beefy78

But you can be mature in every other aspect of your life but only have had a handful of relationships. There are plenty of other experiences out there which can build emotional maturity - work, death, responsibility, family, a thousand others.

sbsquarepants

I've know this guy for about 8 or 9 years (I go out with his sister), in all that time I've never heard him talk about a woman, let alone go out with one. Out of the blue he met some girl, a very nice one it has to be said, and they went on a date roughly 1 year ago - last weekend I attended their wedding.
Now that is oneitis for you!:D

The Corinthian

Beefy78 wrote: »

But you can be mature in every other aspect of your life but only have had a handful of relationships. There are plenty of other experiences out there which can build emotional maturity - work, death, responsibility, family, a thousand others.

Sure, but it doesn't mean that you will build emotional maturity, just because they could in theory - just because you have an experience, doesn't mean you'll learn anything useful from it. Also, in my experience, if someone creates idealized fantasy loves, they will tend to be as egocentric where it comes to other people to; it's just that it's not as apparent.

Most psychological syndromes, tendencies, disorders or whatever you want to call them are related to what we call 'immaturity', which in turn is related to our own levels of egocentricm or narcissism throughout life. Invariably these are the people who don't learn from experience and thus remain emotionally at the same level as when they were twelve.

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I've know this guy for about 8 or 9 years (I go out with his sister), in all that time I've never heard him talk about a woman, let alone go out with one. Out of the blue he met some girl, a very nice one it has to be said, and they went on a date roughly 1 year ago - last weekend I attended their wedding.
Now that is oneitis for you!:D

In fairness, that is more often a product of panic and peer pressure than Oneitis.

Jeffy Show

Beefy78 wrote: »

Great advice from Wibbs a page back.

I'm pretty much in this boat at the moment (not entirely out of character but also not something that I make a habit of). I know it is my issue and I'm very aware that it is not about this girl and is a lot more about me and where I am in my life at the moment. I've been working through that this year both on my own, with friends and even a couple of months of therapy and largely feel better for it.

My issue was that I felt that I needed a definite 'no'. Every time I asked this girl out I got a 'I'm busy tonight' or such and such but not enough of a rejection to absolutely extinguish the hope. So I decided to force the issue rather than just wait depressed until she gets a boyfriend so got her some flowers and had 'the conversation' last Thursday. It was a 'no' and I think I can accept that.

My next trouble is that we spoke on Monday and she asked me why I'm a little down. Then texted me yesterday to see if I'm ok. I appreciate the concern but it's like she's oblivious to the conversation we had last week as being part of the reason why I'm currently not in the best of moods. So I sent her a message last night (she's away for a couple of days so I couldn't do this face to face) thanking her for her concern, apologising if this sort of conversation was making her feel awkward but asking her to give me some space whilst I lick my wounds and get on with my life. I think it was the right thing to do but of course now I feel a bit of a dick about the whole thing. We work at the same place so freezing her out of my life totally isn't an option and I would like us to be friends when this is all worked through as she's a great girl and I really enjoy her company.

I empathise with the OP as I've lost a similar amount of weight (although over 12 months instead of 9). You kind of think it's going to be a magic wand which will take your problems away and then realise that actually it isn't. I just think you need to start to feel good about yourself before you can expect a girl to feel good about you.

Accept that girl doesn't like you. Send her an honest text saying that you were attracted to her an you knew she knew you were attracted. Tell her you are a bit down because she rejected you but now it's time to move on, thanks for finally telling me no.

OnTheCouch

Beefy78 wrote: »

Great advice from Wibbs a page back.

I'm pretty much in this boat at the moment (not entirely out of character but also not something that I make a habit of). I know it is my issue and I'm very aware that it is not about this girl and is a lot more about me and where I am in my life at the moment. I've been working through that this year both on my own, with friends and even a couple of months of therapy and largely feel better for it.

My issue was that I felt that I needed a definite 'no'. Every time I asked this girl out I got a 'I'm busy tonight' or such and such but not enough of a rejection to absolutely extinguish the hope. So I decided to force the issue rather than just wait depressed until she gets a boyfriend so got her some flowers and had 'the conversation' last Thursday. It was a 'no' and I think I can accept that.

My next trouble is that we spoke on Monday and she asked me why I'm a little down. Then texted me yesterday to see if I'm ok. I appreciate the concern but it's like she's oblivious to the conversation we had last week as being part of the reason why I'm currently not in the best of moods. So I sent her a message last night (she's away for a couple of days so I couldn't do this face to face) thanking her for her concern, apologising if this sort of conversation was making her feel awkward but asking her to give me some space whilst I lick my wounds and get on with my life. I think it was the right thing to do but of course now I feel a bit of a dick about the whole thing. We work at the same place so freezing her out of my life totally isn't an option and I would like us to be friends when this is all worked through as she's a great girl and I really enjoy her company.

I empathise with the OP as I've lost a similar amount of weight (although over 12 months instead of 9). You kind of think it's going to be a magic wand which will take your problems away and then realise that actually it isn't. I just think you need to start to feel good about yourself before you can expect a girl to feel good about you.

Obviously I don't know the girl in your example, but it's possible she likes/liked the ego boost your company gives her, although at the same time having no intentions to take things further.

A few years back, I was 'courting' a girl for about a month or so. I would frequently meet up with her during the day, I would act interested and so on, but whenever it came to meeting up for a proper date, she would always find some excuse to get out of it. I was confused because she certainly seemed to be into me in some way and she always agreed to see me during the day and so on.

I then found out from someone else that she had had a boyfriend the whole time! I was absolutely staggered at this news, if she had just told me that straight away she would saved me so much mental anguish. And saved herself from being pestered by me, but I figured in hindsight she just liked the attention.

Of course it should be noted that not all women are like this either. They can be less direct than us, especially in matters like this, I think in an attempt to not hurt the man's feelings. I have had female friends get very stressed about what to do when they had a man chasing them and they didn't like him in that way but didn't want to say as much in so many words. However in my opinion, this just wastes everyone's time.

So it might be something to think about. For what it's worth, I believe it's a good idea to cut someone like that out of your life (at least temporarily) as her being around will hinder you moving on. Plus, never think that you're being a dick by doing that - be aware that getting into a relationship is a fundamentally selfish act in itself, no one gets into one because they feel sorry for the other person, it's because that person makes them feel good or provides something they don't have already. Likewise, staying away from someone who is no longer a relationship prospect (but about whom you may still have feelings), can only be good for you in the long-term.

hatrickpatrick

Isn't the 21st century so romantic, where the age-old experience of falling in love and infatuation is dissected to the point where it gets a disease-esque name and is discussed in the context of psychological disorders and other such bollocks