Any of you guys ever suffer from Oneitis

shadowcomplex

Basically oneitis is a situation that occurs when one(usually men) invests all their feelings and emotions on one girl, oneitis usually occurs when the person hasn't had much success with women down the years and also when the person has a very inactive social life and when they get a bit of attention from a girl they create a fantasy that isn't real, this is thee girl, the perfect girl the only one that will do me, no other girls compare, and it usually occurs when the girl is single because the possibility is there, I have suffered from this a few times in my life and I'm currently going through it, I have actually gone through it a few times before and even though I can logically accept its a fantasy its still not a nice feeling and is hard to shake, the end of the oneitis usually starts with the girl in question starting a relationship or dating someone else, that's when there is an acceptance there and once those feelings have transferred onto someone else the feeling you had for the other girl completely disapate.

I'm just wondering if any of you guys have suffered from this and how you shook yourself out of it

Pepe LeFrits

I used to.

Now I think I suffer from Noneitis!

coffee_cake

Like this
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manic_Pixie_Dream_Girl
?

Cranky1966

Oneitis is not an affliction. Its like having immunity against all the hassle of having to deal with a new girl in your life every weekend....I mean, who wants that, right ? It frees you up so you can concentrate on all the more important stuff in a young mans life like...am...well...let me see...am ...oh yeah...ah no...that doesnt count...wait a sec...I know there is something .....am....

bluewolf

bluewolf wrote: »

Like this
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manic_Pixie_Dream_Girl
?

Nah.


I used to think along those kinda lines but I've gotten past it now. To be honest I've lost the majority of the interest I had in pursing relationships. It's even easier this way. :pac:

confuseddotcom

My eyes and brain hurt trying to follow that.

shadowcomplex

Cranky1966 wrote: »

Oneitis is not an affliction. Its like having immunity against all the hassle of having to deal with a new girl in your life every weekend....I mean, who wants that, right ? It frees you up so you can concentrate on all the more important stuff in a young mans life like...am...well...let me see...am ...oh yeah...ah no...that doesnt count...wait a sec...I know there is something .....am....

You obviously dont understand the term oneitis

I am pie

Sort yourself out OP, stop putting these women up on a pedestal, worse yet you know you are prone to doing it and yet continue to do it.

It's not some disease which you can't avoid, giving it a name and accepting it as a condition is a fairly pathetic way of surrendering control.

Stop it! Seriously. They sense it when you come across all stalkerish...enough with the daydreaming and longing stares! just be friendly, have a laugh and stop living a fantasy life inside your head!

Pepe LeFrits

I am pie wrote: »

Sort yourself out OP, stop putting these women up on a pedestal, worse yet you know you are prone to doing it and yet continue to do it.

It's not some disease which you can't avoid, giving it a name and accepting it as a condition is a fairly pathetic way of surrendering control.

Stop it! Seriously. They sense it when you come across all stalkerish...enough with the daydreaming and longing stares! just be friendly, have a laugh and stop living a fantasy life inside your head!

Yeah, for god's sake OP! Stop feeling lonely! Stop feeling depressed! Man up and shake it off!

PingO_O

Don't get to a stage where you have to shake yourself out of it op. When you meet someone you like be a bit more direct about wanting to take them out and if they're not interested/already attached then move on. Seems a bit cold and simple but you're only going to hurt yourself in the long run if you hang around being a girls best friend hoping one day she'll change her mind.

Cranky1966

Sorry for being flipant with my earlier message....I was tryin to lighten your mood....I do understand how you feel and it is a dreadful feeling...but it is just a feeling not an amputation...it will fade and lose its power with time...I would be inclined to agree with "I am pie" to a certain extent, but its not as easy as that to stop the feeling...if its any consolation, I think having the ability to have those feelings and then discuss it is a good thing.

I am pie

Pepe LeFrits wrote: »

Yeah, for god's sake OP! Stop feeling lonely! Stop feeling depressed! Man up and shake it off!

I don't think this is about loneliness and depression, which are real conditions (one social, one medical) which should be addressed. This onesy carry on is about putting one women up on a pedastal and getting carried away with an alternative reality that becomes damaging.

Don't do it OP, it isn't worth it. If you have other issues which prevent you from socialising then confront those, get to the bottom of those issues which you do have with the right help.

Do not obssess with this made up condition, by the sounds of it you need to get comfortable with who you are and be happy with that person. Everything else flows after that.

Stupid response there Pepe, facetious and unhelpful and not were i was coming from.

Pepe LeFrits

I am pie wrote: »

I don't think this is about loneliness and depression, which are real conditions (one social, one medical) which should be addressed.

Reading between the lines, it is in my opinion. Certainly there's a confidence issue here. The OP is talking about 'suffering' and 'when the person hasn't had much success with women down the years and also when the person has a very inactive social life and when they get a bit of attention from a girl'

These sort of things aren't easy to fix, and telling him he's being pathetic and to stop being a stalker and living a fantasy life and just 'have a laugh' is not likely to prove very helpful either.

I am pie

Pepe LeFrits wrote: »

Reading between the lines, it is in my opinion. Certainly there's a confidence issue here. The OP is talking about 'suffering' and 'when the person hasn't had much success with women down the years and also when the person has a very inactive social life and when they get a bit of attention from a girl'

These sort of things aren't easy to fix, and telling him he's being pathetic and to stop being a stalker and living a fantasy life and just 'have a laugh' is not likely to prove very helpful either.

Your first paragraph paraphrases what I said in my response to you.

Your second paragraph is a series of unhelpful accusations dressed up in quotations. I said the behaviour can be perceived as stalkerish..i.e. it can be misinterpreted by the object. Anyway, this thread isn't really about your opinion of what I said or my fairly low opinion of your bickering responses.

To the OP, like I said previously. Ignore everything else in this thread and go with:

"You need to get comfortable with who you are and be happy with that person. Everything else flows after that"

Pepe LeFrits

I am pie wrote: »

Your first paragraph paraphrases what I said in my response to you.

Your second paragraph is a series of unhelpful accusations dressed up in quotations. I said the behaviour can be perceived as stalkerish..i.e. it can be misinterpreted by the object. Anyway, this thread isn't really about your opinion of what I said or my fairly low opinion of your bickering responses.

To the OP, like I said previously. Ignore everything else in this thread and go with:

"You need to get comfortable with who you are and be happy with that person. Everything else flows after that"

I'm not bickering; I'm neither irritated nor angry. I just think your first response was pretty indelicate and ham-fisted... the advice in the second post was better though.

Wibbs

Once when I was young. For a few months I'd say. Thank feck I snapped out of it though as I've seen way too many blokes fall into it. In any examples I've seen it was the result of unrequited feelings(or a one off snog type thing), which because they were unrequited they spiraled into the realms of fantasy and wishful thinking. That's what nearly happened to me and seeing that is what made me snap out of it. My logic kicked in and overturned my heart and loins(though loins weren't really engaged that much, but maybe that was me). Unrequited love is a crock and it aint love, like dancing by yourself with arms outstretched aint a waltz. It requires two to tango(mixed dance metaphors ahoy).

My take? If you are starting to get real deep in and she aint and it's more than a couple of months and especially if you get any lines like "I like you as a friend/well you never know what might happen between us in the future/I'm not ready for a relationship right now" etc, then the best bet is to pull the eject levers. Distance yourself from them socially to let your feelings take their course. Cold turkey as it were. If you like - and it's a good bet - tell them in a kind way that this is what you need to do and hope they understand. If during this time the object of your affection tries to keep contact "as a friend", they're not respecting your wishes, so really cut them out. Meet other women(not try to shag them BTW) and get yourself out socially and move forward in life. That's shít's powerful juju.

TL;DR if you want love, accept no substitutes.

bnt

shadowcomplex wrote: »

... oneitis ...

Why did I read that as "Onanitis"? :eek:

Cranky1966

Where was Boards.ie when I was going through this angst for the first (and not the last) time...its excellant advice from all you guys for shadowcomplex ...different approaches but all coming from a good place...wonderful. Working on being comfortable with who you are is the key I agree and become comfortable with letting that shine through. I know its a generalisation, but there are two types of guys, relationship guys and one nite stand guys, you have to figure out which one you are and be happy with it. The story of the scorpion and the frog is a lesson to all.

ancapailldorcha

Don't think I can add much here except to say that I think Wibbs has nailed it perfectly. It's happened to me a few times and I'm coming out of a dose now (I hope).
It's just a matter of trying your luck and seeing how it goes. I've a good rapport with a new girl at work and I fancy her quite a lot. Unfortunately, she's in my department and is a superior so logic dictates that I let it slide. I think as I've grown older, I've gotten better at letting my mind rule my heart or at least keep it in check and not the other way around.

Cranky1966

Got to follow your gut..wherever it leads (within reason obviously). The hearts too silly and the heads too dispassionate.

shadowcomplex

Thanks for all the comments guys , the thing that sickens me the most is that I fully believe she tried to give me the opportunity but I was too slow and not forward enough , I was too nice and became friendzoned , now it seems soneone else has swooped in

The Corinthian

shadowcomplex wrote: »

I'm just wondering if any of you guys have suffered from this and how you shook yourself out of it

Not since I was fourteen.

Such ideal women are ideal only because they're theoretical (you're not actually with them, after all); if you do get them, and end up in a relationship with them, reality will leak in and their flaws will begin to show themselves, corrupting the dream and their ideal, which was the unrealistic expectation where being with this 'one girl' would somehow solve all your problems and make you complete.

As Gatsby discovered, the reality tends to fall short of the dream. And so experience, that women are just as frail and flawed as men and thus not some magic pill to all our problems, will shake you out of it and eventually you'll stop seeing women as abstract ideals and instead as people.

4Sticks

Easier said than done but try to be scared less of risk of rejection. The decent ones will let you down gently and with respect. If a girl does not treat you kindly when you approach her well its just like placing the sour milk back on the shop shelf , lucky not to buy that.

It seems old fashioned but I beleive it to be true that most girls need to be pursued they are not comfortable doing the pursuing. Lack of courage on the part of the male can be felt by the girl as lack of romantic interest.

And advice which seems so glib but I mean it sincerley which is try to have fun with all this. Ask yourself if feeling anxious " is this really going to matter in 5 years" . The answer will always be no so go get your girl.

shadowcomplex

Her saying we should go for drinks sometime on 2 occasions and a what are you doing this weekend should have been enough of an invitation , you have to understand guys in coming from a place where I used to be 22 stone and no confidence only 9 months ago , I'm 16.5 now and still losing

4Sticks

Look forward not back. You'll be grand .

The Corinthian

4Sticks wrote: »

Easier said than done but try to be scared less of risk of rejection. The decent ones will let you down gently and with respect. If a girl does not treat you kindly when you approach her well its just like placing the sour milk back on the shop shelf , lucky not to buy that.

There's no reason to fear rejection - think of things this way; every woman on the planet - young, old, fat, thin, rich, poor, comely or foul - finds you attractive. Believe it. Feel it.

Sure, logic will tell you that, quite rightly, such a presumption is utter crap, but that's not the point. If she rejects you, then that's because she's taken, or getting over a bad relationship, or gay, or clinically insane (logic will tell you that this too is utter crap, but that's also not the point). The point is that as a result, you'll never fear approaching a woman, because you 'know' she finds you attractive and if they do reject you, the World is still full of women who fancy you.

(And if they do reject you, always be polite; after all, it's their loss.)

It's up to you to take care of yourself, your self esteem and your own ego. Take care of that, and it'll take care of you, because the confidence it will afford you will make the entire exercise a self-fulfilling prophecy more often than you'd care to imagine.

It's a philosophy worked for French, Italian and Spanish men for centuries.



P.S. Reading over this, it could be taken as a PUA strategy. It's not. It's simply a way of dealing with fear of rejection that's been around for a long time.

GGG500

The Corinthian wrote: »

There's no reason to fear rejection - think of things this way; every woman on the planet - young, old, fat, thin, rich, poor, comely or foul - finds you attractive. Believe it. Feel it.

Sure, logic will tell you that, quite rightly, such a presumption is utter crap, but that's not the point. If she rejects you, then that's because she's taken, or getting over a bad relationship, or gay, or clinically insane (logic will tell you that this too is utter crap, but that's also not the point). The point is that as a result, you'll never fear approaching a woman, because you 'know' she finds you attractive and if they do reject you, the World is still full of women who fancy you.

(And if they do reject you, always be polite; after all, it's their loss.)

It's up to you to take care of yourself, your self esteem and your own ego. Take care of that, and it'll take care of you, because the confidence it will afford you will make the entire exercise a self-fulfilling prophecy more often than you'd care to imagine.

It's a philosophy worked for French, Italian and Spanish men for centuries.



P.S. Reading over this, it could be taken as a PUA strategy. It's not. It's simply a way of dealing with fear of rejection that's been around for a long time.

By definition really it is a PUA strategy. After all PUA is simply advice and discussion on how to attract women better.

This whole thread is a "PUA" thread.

The Corinthian

GGG500 wrote: »

By definition really it is a PUA strategy. After all PUA is simply advice and discussion on how to attract women better.

I would have thought a PUA strategy would concern itself primarily with the manipulation, deception and seduction of women, not primarily with personal self-esteem.

Otherwise, I suppose asking where one can meet single women is soliciting PUA strategies; as would be where to go for a date or anything related to how men relate romantically to women.

Then again, if your definition of how men relate romantically to women always involves manipulation, deception and seduction, then I can see where you're coming from. Just would not prefer to go there myself, thank you.

This whole thread is a "PUA" thread.

It's actually about self-esteem of some men, hence the invention of a 'dream girl' that'll solve all their personal problems.

Sauve

Mod

As per the charter, no discussion of PUA please and thank you

--Kaiser--

The Corinthian wrote: »

There's no reason to fear rejection - think of things this way; every woman on the planet - young, old, fat, thin, rich, poor, comely or foul - finds you attractive. Believe it. Feel it.

Sure, logic will tell you that, quite rightly, such a presumption is utter crap, but that's not the point. If she rejects you, then that's because she's taken, or getting over a bad relationship, or gay, or clinically insane (logic will tell you that this too is utter crap, but that's also not the point). The point is that as a result, you'll never fear approaching a woman, because you 'know' she finds you attractive and if they do reject you, the World is still full of women who fancy you.

(And if they do reject you, always be polite; after all, it's their loss.)

It's up to you to take care of yourself, your self esteem and your own ego. Take care of that, and it'll take care of you, because the confidence it will afford you will make the entire exercise a self-fulfilling prophecy more often than you'd care to imagine.

It's a philosophy worked for French, Italian and Spanish men for centuries.



P.S. Reading over this, it could be taken as a PUA strategy. It's not. It's simply a way of dealing with fear of rejection that's been around for a long time.

Or in the words of Phil Lynott
"If that chick don't wanna know, forget her"

beano345

ill go against the grain here op id let a woman approach you in future you'll probably wait a long time but will cut out a lot of heartache,being lead on,ego feeders etc