Closed doors

iwantmydinner

Emme wrote: »

I'm happy for Jerrica but her story failed to move me. She was going to get married anyway.

I've had so many doors closed in my face and so many disappointments that I'm numb and somewhat bitter. Is there a way back? I think some of us (like me) just have to plod along and tough it out through life with nothing to look forward to. An arduous journey towards death all the while battling with constant fatigue and growing cynicism. I've given up trying and asking "Why can't something good happen to me?" because it doesn't, no matter how hard I try. I'm feeling increasingly jealous and resentful towards other people which isn't nice.

Closed doors indeed. Right now it feels more like being on a never ending treadmill while surrounded by 30 metre high brick walls. If I fall off the treadmill I just have to get back on and run faster to catch up on the lost time. But I can never catch up so I keep running, running, running... And there's no joy and nothing to look forward to:mad:

My mum feels like this.

I find it incredibly frustrating, because she actively makes herself a victim/martyr/sob story even in situations where she needn't be. It's like she doesn't know how not to be a victim. I'm a very practical, realistic person and find her ways incredibly frustrating. Yes, doors have closed in her face, and yes, she's a tough life. I'm not for one minute undermining these facts. But it kills me that something as simple as misplacing her car keys can be and always is turned into a whole lament about how sh!t her life is.



PS I'm not saying this is your approach to life, Emme. It just got me thinking about my mum's.

seenitall

Emme, your posts always get to me somehow. Bitterness is a horrible damaging thing to live with and it feeds on your life, on everywhere you go and everything you see, like a parasite. Believe me, I know.

Please try and get rid of it as best you can? Otherwise it's a waste of a life, of all the enjoyment and fun and good times that could still be yours for a long time to come.

You are unhappy and bitter because you desire the life you think you can't have. OK. So work with what you do have, with whatever small, trivial or unimportant things you do have in your life but that help you feel alive, connected, or like you're having fun.

Perhaps you like going to the theatre, or camping, or playing an instrument, or watching mystery dramas, or having a friend over for dinner, or going to a spa, or long morning walks, or you have a hobby you enjoy, or a pet you love. Do the small things, live for them, look forward to doing them.

If you accumulate enough small things you enjoy doing, somewhere along the way life may just stop feeling like a dreary valley of tears.

You may just one day discover that you have been so busy living the life you do have, that you have forgotten all about mourning the life you missed out on, for a long while. But you have to make an effort for this to work. You have to choose to feel differently, even if it's only by little increments and bits and pieces for a while.

The alternative (your present state of mind) seems truly horrific to me, almost the worst fate imaginable.

Tl;dr: When all the doors are closed, find another hallway with other doors. Find as many doors as necessary. Just keep looking for doors. They are never all closed; and if you think they are, you need glasses.

Legs.Eleven

A few things spring to mind for me but my mother passing away when I was young and my dad remarrying again to genuinely THE most wonderful, positive (I've never met anyone so positive), sound, cool, kind-hearted, fun women ever (after my mam) who took on 5 children when she was only in her late 30s herself and has been there for all of us for the past 20 years through thick and thin and has loved my dad throughout and from an outsider's perspective, loves him more every year. She has been our rock since our world fell apart in 1991 and words don't express how much I love the woman and how grateful I am to her for keeping us all together.

iwantmydinner

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

A few things spring to mind for me but my mother passing away when I was young and my dad remarrying again to genuinely THE most wonderful, positive (I've never met anyone so positive), sound, cool, kind-hearted, fun women ever (after my mam) who took on 5 children when she was only in her late 30s herself and has been there for all of us for the past 20 years through thick and thin and has loved my dad throughout and from an outsider's perspective, loves him more every year. She has been our rock since our world fell apart in 1991 and words don't express how much I love the woman and how grateful I am to her for keeping us all together.

Life is all about the good people! Amazing story, Legs.

Emme

seenitall wrote: »

Perhaps you like going to the theatre, or camping, or playing an instrument, or watching mystery dramas, or having a friend over for dinner, or going to a spa, or long morning walks, or you have a hobby you enjoy, or a pet you love. Do the small things, live for them, look forward to doing them.

Long morning walks are out of the question as I commute 2 hours a day so at the moment I don't have time to do anything but work and at the end of the day I'm too tired to do anything but try and sleep. I used to go to the gym twice a week and do art classes but I'm too tired for that now and can't afford it anyway thanks to some unexpected expenses. Weekends are spent doing household chores and helping elderly parents.

To iwantmydinner who suggests I'm a victim they couldn't be more wrong. Ask anyone who knows me! People tell me I'm practical, resourceful, courageous, persistent and tenacious despite everything. I am trying to hold down an increasingly demanding job which barely pays the bills while managing a long term illness and it's hard. I get little help from anyone, indeed I'm the one who is expected to help others despite not being well. I don't have a partner to come home to or someone's arms to fall into at the end of a long day, I envy people who have this so much. The closest thing to a relationship I've had in the last few years is a friends with benefits situation. It's all I have time for at the moment. I have tried so hard to change my situation but so far I haven't had any breaks. OK, I haven't had any breaks since 1999. Seriously! Mislaying keys wouldn't be a big deal for me.

I keep a brave face for friends, they don't know how I suffer and think I have a great life. Yeah right, getting up at the crack of dawn to commute to work and coming home too late in the evening to do anything but crash. I only have time to see friends once a month max, I'm too wrecked to do otherwise.

coffee_cake

2 hours each way or 2 hours total?
1 hour each sounds grand

iwmd specifically said she wasn't suggesting you were a victim either

mariaalice

It not as simple as saying you learn something form every situation and that it will be better the next time that's very trite some ways of behaving and thinking are very deep rooted having said that my sister works with teenagers and does something with them called looking at unhelpful thinking styles. I do think even been aware of how your thinking is impacting on yours life is a good thing, some of it is funny she get girls saying,,, my friends don't like me,,,, so she gets them to write that down and read it back to them selves until they realise the ridiculousness of what they are thinking, with some she has to work it out and explain that their friends would not be friends with them unless they liked them that what friendship is!

I also think a little bit of reality testing is a good, because no ones life is all bad.

We only get one life and do you really want to get to 60 or what even and realise you spent most of you life beating you self up over and over again.

iwantmydinner

Emme wrote: »

Long morning walks are out of the question as I commute 2 hours a day so at the moment I don't have time to do anything but work and at the end of the day I'm too tired to do anything but try and sleep. I used to go to the gym twice a week and do art classes but I'm too tired for that now and can't afford it anyway thanks to some unexpected expenses. Weekends are spent doing household chores and helping elderly parents.

To iwantmydinner who suggests I'm a victim they couldn't be more wrong. Ask anyone who knows me! People tell me I'm practical, resourceful, courageous, persistent and tenacious despite everything. I am trying to hold down an increasingly demanding job which barely pays the bills while managing a long term illness and it's hard. I get little help from anyone, indeed I'm the one who is expected to help others despite not being well. I don't have a partner to come home to or someone's arms to fall into at the end of a long day, I envy people who have this so much. The closest thing to a relationship I've had in the last few years is a friends with benefits situation. It's all I have time for at the moment. I have tried so hard to change my situation but so far I haven't had any breaks. OK, I haven't had any breaks since 1999. Seriously! Mislaying keys wouldn't be a big deal for me.

I keep a brave face for friends, they don't know how I suffer and think I have a great life. Yeah right, getting up at the crack of dawn to commute to work and coming home too late in the evening to do anything but crash. I only have time to see friends once a month max, I'm too wrecked to do otherwise.

Emme, I specifically said I wasn't suggesting that you are a victim. Just to clarify.

However, I think you would benefit from getting yourself checked out regarding your energy levels - many people have hectic jobs and the same commute length and don't find it as draining as you do.

seenitall

Emme wrote: »

Long morning walks are out of the question as I commute 2 hours a day so at the moment I don't have time to do anything but work and at the end of the day I'm too tired to do anything but try and sleep. I used to go to the gym twice a week and do art classes but I'm too tired for that now and can't afford it anyway thanks to some unexpected expenses. Weekends are spent doing household chores and helping elderly parents.

I appreciate you have a busy life, Emme, the activities I mentioned were just suggestions of what you might like to do when you do get some free time (usually weekends). Some of what you might like to do needn't cost the earth either.

Your state of mind reads very, very downbeat all the time, and I am usually left with a bit of a sad feeling after reading your posts.

You toil, you suffer, and you keep a brave face for your friends. Life is not supposed to be like that. It's not supposed to be all about duties, chores and accommodating others. Even your positive qualities you mentioned there read like something off a CV. There is a distinct lack of joy in your life, and a need to change that was what I was trying to put across to you.

Where there's a will, there's a way. If you had a nice boyfriend, I'm sure you'd be putting a lot of energy into the relationship and I'm sure you would find the time for it, household chores and elderly parents notwithstanding, because that would be something that would be important to you. Am I right?

So just substitute yourself, your own needs, for this 'relationship'; make time for suiting yourself and doing things purely for your own enjoyment and FUN.

I have a distinct feeling, though, that you are so used to disregarding your own needs, that you won't see the point in it. I hope I'm wrong, because appreciating your interests and loving your own life is so important. What kind of life is it otherwise?

Sorry about the PI-ish post you didn't ask for, and best wishes, Emme.

Mooby

I can't even bring myself to think in terms of closed doors - much too final! I feel like I'm on a path with twists, turns, bumps and corners, you just keep moving forward, things change, some people walk with you, others do not. Sometimes my satnav plays up and I get a bit lost, but usually get back on track.