Closed doors

Daisy78

Afternoon ladies,

I've been giving some thought recently about the concept of closed doors....lost opportunities, missed chances, plans which havent worked out, regrets...

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens;but we often look so long
at the closed door we do not see the one which has been opened for us"

Helen Keller

Recent changes in my workplace promised some much wanted opportunities/promotions but a recent change in thinking at managerial level means that these opportunities are no longer available. This has lead me to think about which direction I want to take in my career as it would seem the qualifications I have now appear to be obsolete in relation to any future career I might decide to pursue even if I stay put. But anyway back to the topic of the thread, I'm sure plenty of you have experienced this in your own lives. Have you any inspiring stories of how something you had long wished/ planned for didn't, t come to pass but resulted in something far better in the long term. Have you ever looked back at a time in your life and thought "I'm so glad xyzzy didn't work out as I never be where I am now." This could be in relation to career, friendship, family, relationships, anything significant really.


I've experienced a few "cul de sac" moments in my life and I sometimes wonder how they have benefitted me and were my efforts completely futile. But I guess they are what make you "you" as we'll as the posotive, successful moments in you life too.

Sauve

I thank my lucky stars that I couldn't get into a college course I really really wanted.
I'd now likely be jobless, and about 50 grand in debt from college.

Pythia

My company laid off about a thousand people in 2011. I liked my job fine and wouldn't have left otherwise. But I got a much better job from it which I never would have applied for if I hadn't been in that position. I love my new job, it's far better than my last job in every way and I'm so glad all the cr@p happened in my previous one to bring me to where I am now!

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

CathyMoran

Was very ill a few years ago but as a result I had my children later than I had always wanted to - am glad that I have them and they did not see their mummy really ill.

I thank my lucky stars one particular relationship ended ( at the time I did not think that ) because if it hadn't I would not have met and married my husband and I might be still in a messy going no were situation.

IvyTheTerrible

I didn't get the result I wanted in a my degree, which meant I had to take a different direction to get my postgrad. If I hadn't I would never have met my OH or had my son or be living where I'm living.

Emme

My life feels like a maze of closed doors, no, doors slammed shut in my face! :mad:

Thinking about it makes me so sad, I'd love to get some of the breaks others seem to take for granted. It's not from lack of trying or hard work. I guess some people are luckier than others. I have always treated others well and tried to do the decent thing. The only thing that makes it easier is thinking that I did something terrible in a previous life (maybe I was a serial cheater ) and I'm paying for it now by being single, childless and over 40.:(

The job situation isn't so good either (I suppose I'm lucky to have one) even though I gave up years of my life studying at night while working full time - despite my efforts it got me absolutely nowhere.

Well done to those who did find a window when a door closed for them. I can't even find a chink of light!

Neyite

I don't believe in regrets. I feel that every situation, no matter how bad, has taught me something, or led me to another opportunity.

Even a really bad relationship prompted me to work on my self esteem. Which in turn ensured that I made better choices when I returned dating. And subsequently ended up with a terrific person to spend the rest of my life with.

Maybe we don't always recognised how it works, it not always about the big things for example I was in the dentist waiting room and the dentist said could he see an emergence first and could I wait, so I did and started reading the mags which happened to not to be the usual trash but ones like the Economist I read a book review of a book that I would have never know about I got the book and it was brilliant and I read all the authors books because of it.

Things like that happen to me all the time in life and to every one else as well but some how other people often don't recognised that it has happened to them.

Serendipity is a big factor in most peoples lives.

IvyTheTerrible

mariaalice wrote: »

Maybe we don't always recognised how it works, it not always about the big things for example I was in the dentist waiting room and the dentist said could he see an emergence first and could I wait, so I did and started reading the mags which happened to not to be the usual trash but ones like the Economist I read a book review of a book that I would have never know about I got the book and it was brilliant and I read all the authors books because of it.

Things like that happen to me all the time in life and to every one else as well but some how other people often don't recognised that it has happened to them.

Serendipity is a big factor in most peoples lives.

You should read "Life after life" by Kate Atkinson, little decisions or impediments can change our life's course!

clairefontaine

If a door closes, sometimes you have to keep knocking.

Moonbeam

My current husband was supposed to rent a room from another friend but the room was not ready so he ended up renting from me. I did not really know him other then from a tech group we are members of.
We also did not plan the 1st child but so glad she came when she did:)

Pokiedots

When I was 21 I was meant to get married to the guy i thought was the love of my life, I was devastated when we broke up, and remained so for a long time, now I look back and am so relieved, he wasnt right for me but if we had gotten married I would still be living in the small town we grew up in and I wouldnt have achieved any of the things I am so proud of,
Thats not to say I didnt feel a pang of loss and regret when I heard recently he had gotten married, I never realised I was still holding on the slightest to him, despite my happiness now- go figure!

Neyite

Moonbeam wrote: »

My current husband was supposed to rent a room from another friend but the room was not ready so he ended up renting from me. I did not really know him other then from a tech group we are members of.
We also did not plan the 1st child but so glad she came when she did:)

heh.:D did you have many husbands before him? :pac:

beks101

Not sure about this open and closed door business, I think I'm more of a believer in swings and roundabouts. I think life is entirely random.

Not so much that "everything happens for a reason" - more that everything works out the way it works out in the end, no matter what the path is. I think there's several different paths available to each of us - we have a hand in choosing (being proactive, making big decisions) as much as we don't (uncontrollable life events, "closed doors" etc) - but ultimately, life is about showing up and making the best of the situation you find yourself in.

I made a random, under-thought-out decision to emigrate to Canada
"for a year" - three years later I'm still here, working in the best possible job I could've found in my field, armed with some wonderful new Irish and Canadian friends and about to return home to God-knows-what.

I could just have easily never considered leaving, worked in what was becoming an increasingly unsustainable job for a while longer, moved to another company, gained more experience, emigrated to London and learned a bit more about the world, stayed in Dublin, gone back to college, become more secure in my life and career than I am now.

Either way, I'm still me. I'm still the same Beks with the same values, the same beliefs about myself, the same sense of ambition, the same attitude towards the world. The same thirst for knowledge and love and friendship, the same personal struggles.

I think the most important understanding to have of the world and how your life will pan out is that 1. being brave and courageous in your decisions is the only way to live a life without regret; and 2. that bravery and courage means that you ARE gonna fail and you ARE gonna fall. Regularly. And sometimes spectacularly. Job rejections, romantic failures, loss of friendship, emotional breakdown, sickness, sadness, bankruptcy, whatever. It's all part of the process.

Once you realize that, life seems a little more inviting I think - those rejections can serve as learning curves, or as an awakening to ideas about yourself that you wouldn't otherwise discover. You can harness them to "walk through another door" as it were.

But ultimately, I don't really think it matters which door you walk through. It's still your life, you're still living and learning and you're still the only YOU that you will ever know.

Penny Dreadful

mariaalice wrote: »

I thank my lucky stars one particular relationship ended ( at the time I did not think that ) because if it hadn't I would not have met and married my husband and I might be still in a messy going no were situation.

Same as me. I'm so happy with my lovely husband now and I shudder to think of the alternative. Sometimes doing the hard things in life (i.e. breaking up a long term relationship) are worth enduring to get to the really good things in life (i.e. a mature, grown up, fun filled, loving relationship with someone who appreciates you and shares your dreams and ambitions).

Caonima

Neyite wrote: »

I don't believe in regrets. I feel that every situation, no matter how bad, has taught me something, or led me to another opportunity....

In a strange way, then, I think you DO believe in regrets. The act of loss gave you something in return. The regret of one thing brought you to another.

There shouldn't be a crime in regretting. How can we gauge the magnitude of regret. It's just a snapshot of the olde "what could have been".

I regret things, remind myself of them often, and they help put my present in perspective. Nothing wrong with that.

Neyite

Caonima wrote: »

In a strange way, then, I think you DO believe in regrets. The act of loss gave you something in return. The regret of one thing brought you to another.

There shouldn't be a crime in regretting. How can we gauge the magnitude of regret. It's just a snapshot of the olde "what could have been".

I regret things, remind myself of them often, and they help put my present in perspective. Nothing wrong with that.

No, I actually don't think I regret things at all. I don't consciously regret bad things in my life. I dont regret the abusive relationship, because it taught me what needs to be in a good one for instance. I dont regret the mistakes that I made when I was young and stupid because I learned from them. I may mourn the loss, if thats what you mean, of things that didn't happen as a result of my poor choice, but I don't think I regret in the true sense of the word. And if I start to feel like I regret, I try to focus on the positives of what that choice gave me instead.

clairefontaine

I have regrets, and 99% of them are due to not listening. Either not listening to my own instincts, or not listening to others. Willfull deafness. Some very different outcomes if I had listened. Very simple and avoidable errors.

I don't think about regrets because it is rarely as simple as that, for example I could regret my first marriage, but on the other had I have my two daughters because of it so I don't regret it.

ruaille buaille

Im a believer in everything happens for a reason. Sometimes when things dont work out my way I often look back on it years later and realise it was for the best. If anything its a positive way to look on things and keeps me happy!

pow wow

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

Same as me. I'm so happy with my lovely husband now and I shudder to think of the alternative. Sometimes doing the hard things in life (i.e. breaking up a long term relationship) are worth enduring to get to the really good things in life (i.e. a mature, grown up, fun filled, loving relationship with someone who appreciates you and shares your dreams and ambitions).

Such an insightful post, I love it.

Jerrica

This is a much more superficial example than the ones given above buts it's on my mind a lot because it's still happening. Two weeks ago I fell over awkwardly on my right leg breaking both the tibia and fibula - I busted up the whole bottom of my leg from the knee down, and paramedics, radiographers and consultants were all in agreement that I'd done a pretty nasty job on it

That was Saturday. On Monday I had surgery to put a titanium pin down my leg. By Tuesday I was at home on a wheelchair. The following Saturday I got married.

After the surgery we had a big family meeting to decide whether or not we were going to go ahead with it - I wouldn't be able to hold my bouquet, I wouldn't be able to do a first dance, I wouldn't be able to wear the shoes I'd bought specially in New York and walking up the aisle was looking unlikely. But we decided we were ready for this, we wanted to husband and wife eachother as planned so we ploughed ahead.

The days between surgery and wedding were very low, I kept thinking about all the things I wouldn't be able to do, I was tired and struggling a lot. But the day before the big day we were back with the surgeon for a consult and he was happy with the setting of the pin and said I could walk on crutches for limited time if I felt up to it.

I spent the morning of the wedding sitting in a chair not being able to move much, and I arrived at the ceremony in my wheelchair. In the meantime I'd blinged up my crutches with sparkles and ivory ribbon with the help of some wonderful friends and I was able to slowly hobble up the aisle. Halfway up someone started to clap, and then everyone followed. By the time I reached my husband the room was full of cheering and clapping and I was a hot snotty mess of emotion. I'll never ever ever forget how amazing it was to make that walk, albeit in pain and on crutches, being surrounded by my favourite people.

We did have a first dance after all, but it was more like a static sway! oh and I made it out of the wheelchair for the song of the night too - "Titanium'

There's a part of me that wishes I had been able to enjoy the wedding as a normal bipedal healthy person, but the circumstances did make it that bit more special, and it's a hell of a story to tell the kids someday

traineeacc

^lovely post,I actually welled up thinking of you,congrats on the wedding

iwantmydinner

Amazing story Jerrica, and so well told! Totally welled up reading it too!

Emme

Congratulations on your wedding Jerrica. I wish you a successful recovery after the surgery.

Emme

I'm happy for Jerrica but her story failed to move me. She was going to get married anyway.

I've had so many doors closed in my face and so many disappointments that I'm numb and somewhat bitter. Is there a way back? I think some of us (like me) just have to plod along and tough it out through life with nothing to look forward to. An arduous journey towards death all the while battling with constant fatigue and growing cynicism. I've given up trying and asking "Why can't something good happen to me?" because it doesn't, no matter how hard I try. I'm feeling increasingly jealous and resentful towards other people which isn't nice.

Closed doors indeed. Right now it feels more like being on a never ending treadmill while surrounded by 30 metre high brick walls. If I fall off the treadmill I just have to get back on and run faster to catch up on the lost time. But I can never catch up so I keep running, running, running... And there's no joy and nothing to look forward to:mad:

loubeelou

Emme wrote: »

I'm happy for Jerrica but her story failed to move me. She was going to get married anyway.

I've had so many doors closed in my face and so many disappointments that I'm numb and somewhat bitter. Is there a way back? I think some of us (like me) just have to plod along and tough it out through life with nothing to look forward to. An arduous journey towards death all the while battling with constant fatigue and growing cynicism. I've given up trying and asking "Why can't something good happen to me?" because it doesn't, no matter how hard I try. I'm feeling increasingly jealous and resentful towards other people which isn't nice.

Closed doors indeed. Right now it feels more like being on a never ending treadmill while surrounded by 30 metre high brick walls. If I fall off the treadmill I just have to get back on and run faster to catch up on the lost time. But I can never catch up so I keep running, running, running... And there's no joy and nothing to look forward to:mad:

I really hope things start to go in your favour soon Emme. Hang in there!!

Sauve

Things will pick up Emme, don't ever resign yourself to "this is it". Change is always possible!

PM is open if you need it

clairefontaine

Emme wrote: »

I'm happy for Jerrica but her story failed to move me. She was going to get married anyway.

I've had so many doors closed in my face and so many disappointments that I'm numb and somewhat bitter. Is there a way back? I think some of us (like me) just have to plod along and tough it out through life with nothing to look forward to. An arduous journey towards death all the while battling with constant fatigue and growing cynicism. I've given up trying and asking "Why can't something good happen to me?" because it doesn't, no matter how hard I try. I'm feeling increasingly jealous and resentful towards other people which isn't nice.

Closed doors indeed. Right now it feels more like being on a never ending treadmill while surrounded by 30 metre high brick walls. If I fall off the treadmill I just have to get back on and run faster to catch up on the lost time. But I can never catch up so I keep running, running, running... And there's no joy and nothing to look forward to:mad:

I felt this way for a long time. I made a mistake in which there was a betrayal and it screwed my life up for a while. I felt stuck and unhappy and like there was no way out. It took a few years but I managed to redress and fix the mistake, (am still rebuilding) and because of that can let go of the betrayal, even though I feel I lost several years because of it, and everything seems a lot better. Sometimes you can't get the time back, just chalk it up to collateral damage.

iwantmydinner

Emme wrote: »

I'm happy for Jerrica but her story failed to move me. She was going to get married anyway.

I've had so many doors closed in my face and so many disappointments that I'm numb and somewhat bitter. Is there a way back? I think some of us (like me) just have to plod along and tough it out through life with nothing to look forward to. An arduous journey towards death all the while battling with constant fatigue and growing cynicism. I've given up trying and asking "Why can't something good happen to me?" because it doesn't, no matter how hard I try. I'm feeling increasingly jealous and resentful towards other people which isn't nice.

Closed doors indeed. Right now it feels more like being on a never ending treadmill while surrounded by 30 metre high brick walls. If I fall off the treadmill I just have to get back on and run faster to catch up on the lost time. But I can never catch up so I keep running, running, running... And there's no joy and nothing to look forward to:mad:

My mum feels like this.

I find it incredibly frustrating, because she actively makes herself a victim/martyr/sob story even in situations where she needn't be. It's like she doesn't know how not to be a victim. I'm a very practical, realistic person and find her ways incredibly frustrating. Yes, doors have closed in her face, and yes, she's a tough life. I'm not for one minute undermining these facts. But it kills me that something as simple as misplacing her car keys can be and always is turned into a whole lament about how sh!t her life is.



PS I'm not saying this is your approach to life, Emme. It just got me thinking about my mum's.

seenitall

Emme, your posts always get to me somehow. Bitterness is a horrible damaging thing to live with and it feeds on your life, on everywhere you go and everything you see, like a parasite. Believe me, I know.

Please try and get rid of it as best you can? Otherwise it's a waste of a life, of all the enjoyment and fun and good times that could still be yours for a long time to come.

You are unhappy and bitter because you desire the life you think you can't have. OK. So work with what you do have, with whatever small, trivial or unimportant things you do have in your life but that help you feel alive, connected, or like you're having fun.

Perhaps you like going to the theatre, or camping, or playing an instrument, or watching mystery dramas, or having a friend over for dinner, or going to a spa, or long morning walks, or you have a hobby you enjoy, or a pet you love. Do the small things, live for them, look forward to doing them.

If you accumulate enough small things you enjoy doing, somewhere along the way life may just stop feeling like a dreary valley of tears.

You may just one day discover that you have been so busy living the life you do have, that you have forgotten all about mourning the life you missed out on, for a long while. But you have to make an effort for this to work. You have to choose to feel differently, even if it's only by little increments and bits and pieces for a while.

The alternative (your present state of mind) seems truly horrific to me, almost the worst fate imaginable.

Tl;dr: When all the doors are closed, find another hallway with other doors. Find as many doors as necessary. Just keep looking for doors. They are never all closed; and if you think they are, you need glasses.

Legs.Eleven

A few things spring to mind for me but my mother passing away when I was young and my dad remarrying again to genuinely THE most wonderful, positive (I've never met anyone so positive), sound, cool, kind-hearted, fun women ever (after my mam) who took on 5 children when she was only in her late 30s herself and has been there for all of us for the past 20 years through thick and thin and has loved my dad throughout and from an outsider's perspective, loves him more every year. She has been our rock since our world fell apart in 1991 and words don't express how much I love the woman and how grateful I am to her for keeping us all together.

iwantmydinner

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

A few things spring to mind for me but my mother passing away when I was young and my dad remarrying again to genuinely THE most wonderful, positive (I've never met anyone so positive), sound, cool, kind-hearted, fun women ever (after my mam) who took on 5 children when she was only in her late 30s herself and has been there for all of us for the past 20 years through thick and thin and has loved my dad throughout and from an outsider's perspective, loves him more every year. She has been our rock since our world fell apart in 1991 and words don't express how much I love the woman and how grateful I am to her for keeping us all together.

Life is all about the good people! Amazing story, Legs.

Emme

seenitall wrote: »

Perhaps you like going to the theatre, or camping, or playing an instrument, or watching mystery dramas, or having a friend over for dinner, or going to a spa, or long morning walks, or you have a hobby you enjoy, or a pet you love. Do the small things, live for them, look forward to doing them.

Long morning walks are out of the question as I commute 2 hours a day so at the moment I don't have time to do anything but work and at the end of the day I'm too tired to do anything but try and sleep. I used to go to the gym twice a week and do art classes but I'm too tired for that now and can't afford it anyway thanks to some unexpected expenses. Weekends are spent doing household chores and helping elderly parents.

To iwantmydinner who suggests I'm a victim they couldn't be more wrong. Ask anyone who knows me! People tell me I'm practical, resourceful, courageous, persistent and tenacious despite everything. I am trying to hold down an increasingly demanding job which barely pays the bills while managing a long term illness and it's hard. I get little help from anyone, indeed I'm the one who is expected to help others despite not being well. I don't have a partner to come home to or someone's arms to fall into at the end of a long day, I envy people who have this so much. The closest thing to a relationship I've had in the last few years is a friends with benefits situation. It's all I have time for at the moment. I have tried so hard to change my situation but so far I haven't had any breaks. OK, I haven't had any breaks since 1999. Seriously! Mislaying keys wouldn't be a big deal for me.

I keep a brave face for friends, they don't know how I suffer and think I have a great life. Yeah right, getting up at the crack of dawn to commute to work and coming home too late in the evening to do anything but crash. I only have time to see friends once a month max, I'm too wrecked to do otherwise.

2 hours each way or 2 hours total?
1 hour each sounds grand

iwmd specifically said she wasn't suggesting you were a victim either

It not as simple as saying you learn something form every situation and that it will be better the next time that's very trite some ways of behaving and thinking are very deep rooted having said that my sister works with teenagers and does something with them called looking at unhelpful thinking styles. I do think even been aware of how your thinking is impacting on yours life is a good thing, some of it is funny she get girls saying,,, my friends don't like me,,,, so she gets them to write that down and read it back to them selves until they realise the ridiculousness of what they are thinking, with some she has to work it out and explain that their friends would not be friends with them unless they liked them that what friendship is!

I also think a little bit of reality testing is a good, because no ones life is all bad.

We only get one life and do you really want to get to 60 or what even and realise you spent most of you life beating you self up over and over again.

iwantmydinner

Emme wrote: »

Long morning walks are out of the question as I commute 2 hours a day so at the moment I don't have time to do anything but work and at the end of the day I'm too tired to do anything but try and sleep. I used to go to the gym twice a week and do art classes but I'm too tired for that now and can't afford it anyway thanks to some unexpected expenses. Weekends are spent doing household chores and helping elderly parents.

To iwantmydinner who suggests I'm a victim they couldn't be more wrong. Ask anyone who knows me! People tell me I'm practical, resourceful, courageous, persistent and tenacious despite everything. I am trying to hold down an increasingly demanding job which barely pays the bills while managing a long term illness and it's hard. I get little help from anyone, indeed I'm the one who is expected to help others despite not being well. I don't have a partner to come home to or someone's arms to fall into at the end of a long day, I envy people who have this so much. The closest thing to a relationship I've had in the last few years is a friends with benefits situation. It's all I have time for at the moment. I have tried so hard to change my situation but so far I haven't had any breaks. OK, I haven't had any breaks since 1999. Seriously! Mislaying keys wouldn't be a big deal for me.

I keep a brave face for friends, they don't know how I suffer and think I have a great life. Yeah right, getting up at the crack of dawn to commute to work and coming home too late in the evening to do anything but crash. I only have time to see friends once a month max, I'm too wrecked to do otherwise.

Emme, I specifically said I wasn't suggesting that you are a victim. Just to clarify.

However, I think you would benefit from getting yourself checked out regarding your energy levels - many people have hectic jobs and the same commute length and don't find it as draining as you do.

seenitall

Emme wrote: »

Long morning walks are out of the question as I commute 2 hours a day so at the moment I don't have time to do anything but work and at the end of the day I'm too tired to do anything but try and sleep. I used to go to the gym twice a week and do art classes but I'm too tired for that now and can't afford it anyway thanks to some unexpected expenses. Weekends are spent doing household chores and helping elderly parents.

I appreciate you have a busy life, Emme, the activities I mentioned were just suggestions of what you might like to do when you do get some free time (usually weekends). Some of what you might like to do needn't cost the earth either.

Your state of mind reads very, very downbeat all the time, and I am usually left with a bit of a sad feeling after reading your posts.

You toil, you suffer, and you keep a brave face for your friends. Life is not supposed to be like that. It's not supposed to be all about duties, chores and accommodating others. Even your positive qualities you mentioned there read like something off a CV. There is a distinct lack of joy in your life, and a need to change that was what I was trying to put across to you.

Where there's a will, there's a way. If you had a nice boyfriend, I'm sure you'd be putting a lot of energy into the relationship and I'm sure you would find the time for it, household chores and elderly parents notwithstanding, because that would be something that would be important to you. Am I right?

So just substitute yourself, your own needs, for this 'relationship'; make time for suiting yourself and doing things purely for your own enjoyment and FUN.

I have a distinct feeling, though, that you are so used to disregarding your own needs, that you won't see the point in it. I hope I'm wrong, because appreciating your interests and loving your own life is so important. What kind of life is it otherwise?

Sorry about the PI-ish post you didn't ask for, and best wishes, Emme.

Mooby

I can't even bring myself to think in terms of closed doors - much too final! I feel like I'm on a path with twists, turns, bumps and corners, you just keep moving forward, things change, some people walk with you, others do not. Sometimes my satnav plays up and I get a bit lost, but usually get back on track.